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Shadows of the Past

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It's freakin' Monday morning and you're at work early. You hope to catch JJ before it gets too busy, because you want to thank her for the weekend you spent more or less together having lots of fun, without anyone around. You can't remember ever feeling so carefree and young; you never trusted anyone enough to let your guard down so completely. But with JJ you always feel save and you feel accepted just the way you are. You. Emily Prentiss. Not Agent Prentiss or “the Ambassador Prentiss' daughter”. No! Only you; plain, old Emily.

 

The two of you went out dancing with Garcia and the guys Saturday evening and ended up in your apartment. When you told JJ you've never had a sleepover she insisted on having one, like NOW! So she stayed. You watched old movies the whole Sunday, never changing out of your pyjamas, eating ice creme and junk food and had a lot of girl talk.

 

You really want to thank JJ for the wonderful weekend, for the fun you had, for her friendship. Alas! When you look insider her office, she's already concentrating on her work and you don't want to disturb her. She'll come by your desk later, when she gets a refill of coffee.

 

So you go to your own desk in the still deserted bull pen and start catching up on paperwork. One by one your co-workers arrive and there's some commotion when they recall Saturday night together. You're pretty sure that JJ flirted with you, but as long as no one else mentions it, you would rather bite your tongue than to tell anyone.

 

Soon all of you are busy with your work again. You're just about to finish one of your reports, when you feel someone observing you. You look up, and there she is. JJ with her bright blue eyes, smiling at you with that smile you swear she has reserved just for you, because you've never seen her direct it at someone else.

 

Somehow time seems to stop as you fall into those blue eyes; but then she moves and the spell is broken. She comes over to your desk and leans casually against it, arms crossed above her chest, looking intensely at you. And you swear that the room temperature just went up at least five degrees.

 

She's wearing jeans today, that one pair that hugs her ass just nicely sitting low on her hips. And you have a little trouble formulating coherent thoughts but finally you manage to at least greet her.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Hey yourself.”

 

You wink at her. “How was your weekend?” You ask so the others wouldn't know that you two spent the whole weekend together. They would only come to the wrong conclusion and you don't want to put JJ in that situation.

 

She smiles the most glorious smile and says: “I had the best weekend. I spent it with a friend of mine, watching movies and having fun. I'm so glad I have her as a friend.”

 

You try to play it cool, you really try; but you can tell that JJ sees right through you. You can't hide the little blush or the excitement over her words.

 

“So, do you maybe wanna grab a bite at lunch? I'll buy.” You know JJ's never comfortable when you want to pay, but you have to try. And then she surprises you again.

 

“Okay, but only if I can buy the drinks tonight.”

 

“There are drinks tonight?” You ask surprised. You've never went for drinks on a weekday with the guys.

 

“Please Emily. My desk is swamped with the most horrible cases. I need to unwind a little. Pretty please?”

 

And she looks at you with those big, blue eyes and you really can't deny her anything when she looks at you like that.

 

“Okay. It's a date.” And you can't believe you said date, but when you see JJ's face lighten up you can't bring yourself to regretting it.

 

“Pick me up around one for lunch?”

 

“Yes, I will.”

 

“Later.”

 

And then she's on her way to the break room to get her coffee fix and you can't help yourself but follow her with your eyes. Her hips swaying just a little more as usual, just as if she knows you're watching her.

 

Time flies by and soon it's close to one pm. You lock your desk, grab your stuff and head to JJ's office. When you're at her door your hear the phone ringing and JJ answering in her “office voice” as you like to call it; all professional and verrrry sexy.

 

“Jareau.”

 

You lean in the doorway, content with just being able to watch her for an undisturbed moment.

 

You see her furrow her brows and you start feeling a little uneasy.

 

“This is Federal Agent Jareau. Who is this?”

 

Her voice is still polite, but you can pick up on her concern.

 

“Carly? What the hell...” Suddenly she sits up straight and you can see her shoulders tremble. She can barely control her voice and motions for you to come in and close the door. You're not sure it's you place to witness this conversation, but then you see the fear in JJ's eyes and you know: this is exactly the place where you're needed and where you want to be.

 

“Why are you calling? I told you years ago...”

 

You can tell she's trying to stay calm, she lays all her professionalism into her voice, but her hands are clenched to fists, the knuckles already turning white; and the last time you saw her under that much strain had been in that barn, when Reid had been abducted.

 

“YOU cheated on ME!”

 

You can barely hear her now, her voice little more than a whisper, but full of venom. Her eyes are blazing with rage and anger; and you prefer anger over fear any time.

 

“You told me I was sick, that I needed help. You beat me up and manipulated me, how could you possibly think...”

 

You really can't believe what you're hearing. You feel anger rise in your gut, like acid burning in your stomach. What happened? The JJ you know would never let a man lay a hand on her or do anything to her she doesn't want.

 

“No, please don't...”

 

Her voice is suddenly childlike, begging; and you loathe it. JJ's slumped together in her chair, tears threatening to fall any moment now.

 

“Please Carly, please. I never filed charges, please promise me.... Okay, fine. Tonight... I'll be there.”

 

And then she puts the phone down and buries her head in her arms on the desk. You think she's crying, because she's shaking all over. But just when you want to reach out to her she straightens up again, her face a mask of calmness and countenance. You can see right through her facade and it hurts that she distances herself from you.

 

Finally she speaks.

 

“I'm sorry Emily. I have to cancel our plans for today. Rain check?”

 

And you want to scream at her, that you're not stupid. You're a profiler and her body language during the conversation told you everything you need to know. You're deeply frustrated, because you want to help and she's shutting you out.

 

But all you say is: “Sure. Maybe tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe tomorrow.” But you can hear the doubt in her voice and a cold fear takes over your heart. Something is seriously wrong with your blonde friend and you plan on figure it out and help her.

 

You turn to leave but stop at the door, without turning towards her.

“You know I'll always be here for you, right?” You wait for her to answer but she doesn't and so you leave. There's nothing for you to do here.

 

You go back to your desk, pretending to work while you in reality chat with Garcia. You know Garcia and JJ have been friends for some years now and when it comes to JJ you trust her completely. You tell her everything about the conversation and she's as shocked as you are but she promises to help and so you two work out a plan.

 

After that is settled you actually manage to get some work done, until Garcia calls you on your cell to tell you that JJ's “on the move”. And you're not surprised that she didn't say goodbye but rather slipped out of the bureau unnoticed. But since you knew she would Garcia is tracking her and you just need to follow Garcia's directions.

 

Those directions lead you into a part of town where you'd rather not be, but your concern for JJ drives you forward.

 

Finally you arrive. Where, you're not really sure. It seems to be a really shabby nightclub. Some of the windows are obviously broken and fixed with cardboard. The lights above the door only flickers every few seconds but you can make out the name.

 

“Garcia”, you whisper into your intercom. “Find out everything you can about a bar called “Last Resort”.”

 

“Will do.”

 

You take a moment to observe the surroundings and even before Garcia calls you back you know it's a gay bar. You become even more worried now, not because you are opposed to homosexuality, quite the opposite. But JJ? You're pretty sure she's straight and you really wonder who she's meeting here.

 

Without waiting any longer for Garcia, she's probably still working through her shock anyway; you leave the fake security of your car and enter the dump.

 

Your eyes need a moment to adjust but then you're able to admire the locality in all her doubtful glory. But you don't look at the interior at all. All you're looking for is JJ.

 

“Where is she, dammit?” you whisper under your breath.

 

“She just went out back,” Garcia says just that moment, and you don't know if she heard you or just called at the right time.

 

You leave out front and circle around to the back alley. Careful, using each shadow to stay hidden, you make your way to the two persons you can make out now. When you get closer you can identify JJ; but you've never seen the other person before.

 

You sneak further towards them until you can listen in on their conversation. Obviously you missed the beginning but it seems they're just about to getting to the “good” stuff.

 

“What do you want, Carly? We're over for years. You were not interested in me back then, well besides dominating me and making me feel bad. Why now?”

 

JJ's voice sounds strange in your ears; it totally lacks her usual compassion. Her posture is rigid and somewhat defensive. She tries to keep her distance to this other woman.

 

“I still love you J. I was confused. I didn't know ... I made a big mistake letting you go.”

 

Carly takes a step towards JJ, who takes a step back.

 

“If I had stayed I'd probably be dead by now. You would've killed me in one of your drunken fits.” Finally you can make out some emotion in JJ's voice, even if it's anger. You've seen JJ angry, and you know she can stand her ground.

 

“No J. I could never hurt you.” The other woman's voice sounds pleading and fragile, but somehow you sense that it's not real.

 

“Listen to yourself. You've lost touch with reality. You killed anyone yet?”

 

“J, please!”

 

“No! It's over. I don't love you. I guess I never did.”

For every step Carly takes toward JJ, she takes a step back, moving in circles like in a sick dance.

 

“You don't know love. I'm the only one who really loves you.”

 

“Carly. I met someone. And she's great. She's beautiful, understanding, caring, smart and she would never hurt me. I’m sure I know love.”

JJ's voice is very silent and for a moment you think you're hallucinating, but then it hits you with full force. JJ has found someone. Why didn't she say anything? You would have been glad for her, even if it breaks your heart to know that she's in love with someone else. But all that really matters to you is her happiness.

 

“If you don't come back to me, I'll tell everyone.”

 

“Please Carly, don't do this. You just said you loved me. If you really did you could never do that.”

 

Suddenly JJ seems ten years younger; all her self-confidence is gone in a blink. And you can't think of anything that would frighten JJ that much. You've seen JJ face the most dangerous killers and psychos in the world without breaking a sweat. You've seen her shoot someone that dared to threaten her friends without hesitation.

 

“I don't care about your psycho-babble. You come back, or you're done. Everyone will know you're a dyke! A dyke with some very sick fantasies, or did you forget?”

 

When you see JJ hang her shoulders defeated you decide it's your moment of truth. You step out of the shadows and are at JJ's side in a heartbeat. You take her by her shoulders and turn her, so she can look you in the eyes.

 

“Emily?” She looks surprised to see you, but you can't blame her.

 

“JJ, listen. Don't let her do this to you. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. Nobody will hate or despise you. I'll always be your friend. And Garcia and the boys, too. Have a little faith in us. Please!”

 

You try to communicate as much of your feelings as possible and you hope it'll be enough.

 

JJ's standing motionless before you and you have no clue if she even heard a single word you said, but suddenly her eyes go wide and she pushes you to the ground.

 

Before you're even able to fully comprehend what just happened, you see JJ sweep Carly of her feet, disarm and cuff her. A knife is lying a few feet away; and there's blood on it.

 

In one smooth motion you're on your feet again and tell Garcia to call the cops. Then you approach JJ carefully; you can see a little blood seeping through her shirt's left arm.

 

“You're hurt,” you say, your voice not more than a whisper. But she hears you and turns to you.

 

“It's only a scratch, really.”

 

And then she falls into your arms and sobs are wracking her small frame.

 

That's how the cops find you. You show them your badge and give them the short version of what happened. You promise to file a report the next day and they take her away. And you're alone with a sobbing JJ.

 

“Come on JJ. I'll take you home.”

 

She lets you take her to your car. She stopped sobbing a while ago, but still tears are streaming down her face, and you have no idea what to do.

 

Sometime during the ride she suddenly looks at you.

 

“How long you've been standing there?” Her voice is small and uncertain, having to ask but not really wanting to know.

 

“A while.”

 

“Did you hear what I said?”

 

“Which part?”

 

“The part where I found someone.”

 

“Yes, I heard.” And you try to sound warm and understanding, but you're not sure if you manage to hold the jealousy out of your voice.

 

She's silent again and you try to think of something to say, something funny to lighten the mood or something reassuring, but you can't think of anything. To say that you were surprised when you learned that JJ is gay would be an understatement, but learning that she's in love with someone else was a blow below your waistline.

 

“Can we go to your place?”

 

And again she surprises you. You don't really want to hear more about her found love, but you promised to be there for her, to help her.

 

“Sure.”

 

Out of the corner of your eye you see that she's watching you and you're pretty sure you're missing a crucial piece of the puzzle, but you can't figure it out.

 

You arrive at your apartment and you first check on JJ's arm. You urge her to take her shirt off and you nearly faint at the sight suddenly in front of you.

 

JJ in a dark red lace bra and you're favorite pair of jeans. You hurry to clean the cut and disinfect it with some alcohol. Finally you put a Band-Aid on it.

 

When you're finished you look at JJ again and you don't have anything else you can focus on anymore. You try your hardest not to stare at her bra-covered breasts or her flat, well-toned tummy; so you try to look anywhere else and the silence between you is about to be getting awkward. And then you look into her eyes and there's something there you can't quite figure out. Longing? Desire?

Her eyes are a little darker than usual and her breathing is a little accelerated, but you blame it on the stress.

 

Suddenly you notice that she's shivering, has goose bumps all over and her rock hard nipples are clearly showing through her bra. And you could kick yourself because she's obviously cold, standing here half naked in your kitchen.

 

“I'm sorry JJ. You must be freezing. Come, I'll get you a shirt.”

 

And you grab her hand and notice that it's sweaty. But you can't make any sense of it. How can she be cold and sweating at the same time?

 

She follows you without resistance into your bedroom, but when you're about to grab a shirt out of the wardrobe she stops you.

 

“I'm not cold Emily.” And her voice sounds strange in your ears. It's all low and husky and when you turn around to look at her you see that her eyes are even darker than before.

 

And suddenly you hear a loud click inside your head and everything makes sense. All the signs suddenly add up and you can't stop the shudder rippling through your body. You take a deep breath and try to compose yourself. Everything you dreamt of for so long is about to come true.

 

JJ's taking a step towards you, well into your personal space, and you can feel the heat radiating from her through your clothes. Her hand comes up to your face, stroking your cheek lightly and you lean into it. And then her lips are on yours and you can't remember that you closed your eyes but obviously you did,because you never saw it coming.

 

And this first kiss is all you ever dreamt of and so much more. It starts out slowly but heats up soon and JJ demands entrance with her tongue, which you grant her gladly. Soon you're both battling for dominance, JJ's hands busy tugging your shirt out of your pants, finding your skin beneath it eventually.

 

And her touch sets you on fire, you can't keep from moaning into her mouth, can't stop your hands from cupping her breasts, stroking her nipples with your thumbs. But in the back of your mind you know you should talk about this, you really don't want to screw this up, you want her forever and not just for tonight.

 

All your willpower combined is just enough to break free from that kiss. You grab her hands and hold them in yours between the two of you.

 

JJ looks at you like you took her favorite toy away and you nearly give in.

 

“We need to talk about this.”

 

Your voice sounds funny to yourself. You wanted to sound all determined but it sounds more like a question to you.

 

JJ closes her eyes and takes some slow breaths, trying to calm down.

 

“Emily, please. Can we talk about this later? I can't deal with it now.”

 

She tries to kiss you again, but you manage to stop her.

 

“I need to know JJ? I need to know this is real, I couldn't bear loosing you.”

 

A small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth and then she leans into you whispering in your ear in the most sexy voice you've ever heard: “Emily please. I need you to make me yours!”

 

You feel all your synapses overload, those words are all the reassurance you need, at least for now. And you let go.

 

You kiss her again, slow and sensual, leading her backwards toward the bed, laying her down. You step back and start to undress. She's on her back, propped up on her elbows so she won't miss anything. Her eyes roam hungrily over your body, caressing every bit of skin you reveal. But you take your time, teasing her until you finally stand naked before her. And it isn't the least bit awkward, it just feels right. She gets up now and stands an arm-length before you holding you captured with her now-oh-so-dark-eyes. She undresses, too. Shedding the last barriers that are able to keep you separated.

 

And when she's naked she lays down again like she did before, propped up on her elbows.

 

You can't move. All you can do is watch her, memorize every inch of her body, because she's so damn beautiful. Hey hair shimmering golden in the dim light of your bedroom, her skin the color of bronze, the shadows accentuating her muscles. Her cheeks are flushed, her breathing erratic but you still can't believe that this is really happening and not one of your dreams. And you fear if you move, if you take the next step, you'll wake up like so many times before.

 

And then she spreads her legs a little and you can see the moisture glistening in her golden locks; and the smell of her arousal hits you full force as it spreads out in the room. All you can do is moan as the smell invades your senses. Suddenly your mouth is dry and you swallow audibly, moistening your lips with your tongue. But still you can't move. And she's looking at you almost pleadingly now and her lips move without sound.

 

“Please!”

 

Finally you're able to move and lay down beside her, but she doesn't have any of it and pulls you atop of her. The emotions are threatening to overwhelm you and you bury your face in her neck and just breathe.

 

You can feel her muscles flex beneath you, your skin burns everywhere your bodies touch. Her skin is sweaty already and she's so soft to your touch. She's stroking your back now, making soothing sounds.

 

And then she's moving beneath you again, spreading her legs further, and your thigh comes in contact with her center. And you can't believe how wet she is.

 

And now you can hear her. “Emily, please.” and it's like someone has turned a switch. Suddenly you're able to breathe again, to move again.

 

You start rocking your hips slowly, JJ grinding against your thigh with every move. You start caressing JJ with your hands and your mouth, a little cautiously at first, but soon you find that making love to JJ is easy. She's writhing beneath you moaning and whimpering at every touch, every kiss.

 

You start kissing her at her face, her eyes, cheeks, and nose. You want to worship any part of her, moving downwards above her throat and over her collarbone. When you suck on her pulse point she makes the cutest little noises and pushes up against you.

 

Her hands are busy, too. Exploring every inch of your body she can reach. But you won't be distracted and continue your path down her body. You kiss her breasts, her nipples. First one, then the other. Licking and nibbling until JJ moans louder, deeper, fisting her hands in your hair, trying to keep you in place. And it almost hurts, but it doesn't, in fact it arouses you even more and you could feel the wetness between your legs multiplying.

 

And then JJ's not holding you in place anymore but she's pushing you downwards. And you're happy to oblige, sliding and kissing further down her body, licking and nibbling alternating with kissing and suckling.

 

And she spreads her legs further, opening up totally for you; giving herself to you completely. And you can't wait any longer, you have to taste her.

She puts one of her legs above your shoulder and pulls you in, you grasp her hips to keep her steady and take the first lick. She bucks wildly against your mouth, you're barely able keep her down with your hands. Her flavor is nothing like anything you've tasted before, it's sweet and tangy at the same time and you love it. You dive right back in because you're addicted at once. You try to gather every bit with your tongue while JJ is moaning and swearing, bucking and trying to get the needed friction.

 

“Oh God, Em... please I need... you inside, please!”

 

And you trust two fingers deep inside her and she feels so good, surrounding you, all velvety and wet and warm. And you feel the first contractions around your fingers.

 

“Ooooh myyyy ... Emily! ...Harder.”

 

And her voice is impossible low, guttural, feral. It vibrates through your body and resonates in your own clit, hitting it like a thunderbolt. And you hear someone moaning besides JJ until it registers in your brain that it's you moaning.

 

You add a third finger and pump harder into her, stroking her clit with your tongue in the same rhythm.

 

Her body is tense all over now, her eyes closed, her head thrown back, tossing on the pillow. And you can actually feel her coming, so you pick up speed and suck hard at her clit, and then she's there, screaming your name. And it's the most beautiful her voice ever sounded, even if it's scratchy and raw now.

 

You try to lick up all the juices flowing from her center; you don't want any drop of this ambrosia to go to waste.

 

When she goes limp again you carefully extract you fingers from her center and scramble up beside her, engulfing her in a loving embrace, holding her close to let her calm down. Your own body is still tense, your need for release almost painful. So when JJ's breathing evens out again and she opens her eyes, to look lovingly at you, you decide to take matters in your own hands.

 

You sit up and straddle one of her firm thighs, pressing your center against it.

 

“Oh my god Emily, you're so wet. I should have... please let me.”

 

But you're already almost there, riding her thigh, causing the much-needed friction. And so JJ decides to help you with tensing her thigh and pressing up against your center, her hands rest on your pelvic bones pressing down a little. And all the time she's watching you with her intense stare that set's you on fire every time. Your rocking becomes faster as the pressure is building up and up, almost painful, almost too much. And your head lolls back and your moans become louder, more inarticulate with every thrust, and you know that the incoming climax will sweep you off your feet and you know you never came so hard ever in your entire life. And still the pressure is building and you think you might die if you can't find release any time soon now.

 

And then you hear her voice, barely audible above your moans.

 

“Emily, come for me, please!”

 

And that's all you need. You feel spasms surge through your whole body and you scream for her on the top of your lungs, wave after wave wracking your body, her hands the only thing grounding you, until you finally collapse atop of her, not sure if you'll be able to move for a week.

 

Afterwards you lay tangled together, sweaty and slightly out of breath, basking in the afterglow of your lovemaking when JJ props herself up on one elbow and looks at you seriously.

 

“You wanted to talk.” You can hear that she's back to her old self, that she's grounded again.

 

“Later.” you mumble, already half sleeping. And then you look at her and smile. “You already told me everything I needed to know.”

 

Chapter Text

You awake to your mobile ringing, the sound coming out of the depth of a heap of clothes on the floor. You nearly jump out of the bed, wincing at a little soreness and try to locate your phone as quickly as possible, to avoid Emily waking up. You finally find it and take a look at the display.

 

When you see it's Hotch calling you hurry to take the call.

 

“Jareau.” You keep your voice to a minimum, trying not to be too obvious about it.

 

“JJ. Sorry to wake you this early, but you've got to come to the bureau ASAP. We have a new case. Oh and bring Emily.”

 

'How did he know. Damn profilers!'

 

“Yes Sir. We'll be there as soon as possible.”

 

The line goes dead and you look at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It is happily blinking: 05:24. A groan escapes your throat. 'Way too early!'

 

“Whassup?” you hear Emily asking in a cute, still sleep induced voice.

 

And you smile at her adoringly. You still can't believe what happened the day before. But upon remembering you feel your face flush with heat and desire surging through you again. You go over to Emily and sit down beside her.

 

“Hotch called. We have to come in right away. A new case, he didn't provide any details, yet.”

 

Emily sits up, stroking your cheek lightly.

 

“Good morning.” And she looks at you like you're the most precious treasure, totally in awe at the sight of your beauty. You become a little coy at her intense stare, and awareness that you're both still stark naked hits you.

 

“Good morning yourself.” And then you're kissing her again, like it's the most natural thing to do; not passionate and demanding like the night before, but slow and sensual, a reminder of shared pleasures. Waking up besides Emily after a night of hot lovemaking and kissing her good morning. You could get used to this. It's so different; from everything you've experienced before.

 

“We need to get going”, you say after breaking the kiss, leaning your forehead against Emily's.

 

“I know we need to talk about ... this, us. And I promise we will; as soon as possible. I don't wanna screw this up.”

 

She nods her understanding and you get up again.

 

You manage to be at the office an hour later, you wearing one of Emily's shirts. Everyone else is already there and you head straight for the briefing room. Hotch pulls Emily aside and talks to her with a very serious look on his face, looking at you repeatedly and you start wondering what this is all about.

 

Nothing is like it usually is. There are no files, no photos, just round about serious faces, nobody daring to look at you. And you feel in your gut, that something went terribly wrong and somehow it has to do with you.

 

And then Emily's sitting down beside you and Hotch starts the briefing.

 

“Okay listen up. I don't know how to break this to you gently, so I'll just say it. We apparently have a serial killer in East Allegheny.”

 

As soon as the words register in your brain you feel all color drain from your face and like you can't breathe anymore. Hotch's voice is only a mere background voice, adding to the white noise in your ears. But suddenly Emily's beside you, turning you towards her holding your hands and looking deep into your eyes.

 

“JJ? Jennifer! Jennifer, please. Look at me.”

 

But you can't move, can't breathe, can't even blink. And then you feel Emily take you into her arms, burying your head at her shoulder and rocking you gently back and forth. Slowly you're able to calm down, your breathing slows back to normal and the noise stops.

 

“Sh, it's okay Sweetie. Calm down. I know this is hard, but you can do this. You're not alone. We'll deal with this together.”

 

You can hear Emily's voice now. Calm, soothing, luring you out of your catatonic state.

 

And finally you're able to react. You hug Emily tightly, whispering “Thank you”, into her ear. Only then are you able to register, that the two of you are alone in the briefing room. The others must have left after your breakdown to give you the time you need to reassemble. And distinctly you wonder if everybody already knows that you've fucked Emily just the other night. But just now you don't really care. There's a killer on the loose in your hometown. And as much as you wanted to break free and flee that conservative little town that never gave you enough room to be yourself, as much as you hated growing up there, it is the place you grew up. Not everything was bad there and if anything it had been a peaceful place, well until you screwed up at least.

 

“So, let's catch this bastard!”

 

Minutes later the team is assembled again and Hotch continues the briefing.

 

“As I said. We have a serial in East Allegheny. And it seems that it stands in direct relation to the attack on you two yesterday. We have three victims until now. Garcia already stated that they were all members of JJ's varsity soccer team. Also every victim had the following message pinned to their chest: 'Forever and ever – and never apart...'

 

You recognize the words at once. The vow you took with Carly, back when everything was still innocent and friendship between the two of you and you fall into the rhyme reciting it from long lost memories: 'Nobody'll ever come between us – no one else inside my heart!'

 

Everyone looks at you, like you grew a second head and you feel yourself blush with embarrassment.

 

“I'll take it, you know the person who wrote this?” asks Hotch looking intensely at you.

 

You only nod, memories flooding over you, wave by wave. Things you thought long forgotten, facts of your past you'd rather not be remembered of.

 

Emily chimes in, already piecing the puzzle together.

 

“The messages are from Carly, aren't they? Hotch, she's the one who attacked us yesterday.”

 

Hotch perks up at that. “Yesterday? She can't be our killer then. Because the last murder happened just yesterday evening.”

 

“She's got a partner, or better a servant. She's really good at dominating and manipulating people.”

 

And again with the looks. You feel like you need to scream. It's difficult enough as it is already, you don't need those damn profilers looking at you, like you are the killer. And then there's Emily's hand on your arm and you feel all the tension leaving you upon that touch.

 

“Okay. Let's bring her in for an interview. We'll head for East Allegheny after.”

 

“She won't talk to you”, you say. “Well, she will talk. But nothing you wanna hear or could be useful to the case.”

 

“Give me five minutes with that crazy bitch and she'll sing like the lil’ bird she is.”

 

You can tell from his voice that Morgan is really upset about this. And you hate the fact that everyone is so worked up due to you. You know Morgan is trying to protect you, like a big brother would, but you fear that if he knew ... If he knew the beast lurking inside of you, he would be so disappointed. You can almost see the pitiful looks, degrading you from a trained agent, an independent woman into some victim, some helpless girl who would best be married off squeezing out one child a year.

 

You can feel Emily's glance upon you, but you can't bring yourself to look back at her. You could deal with the team knowing all this stuff about you, but thinking that Emily would know as well ... no, you can't bring yourself to return the glance. And you remember promising Emily that you'd talk about this, but now you're not sure Emily still wants to talk. You're fairly certain that there isn't any possibility left for “us”.

 

You don't hear what's discussed among the team; you're deeply lost in your thoughts when suddenly Emily addresses you.

“JJ? She's here. You wanna ... ?” She gestures to the observation room and you get up before she's even finished.

 

You enter the room and feel yourself drawn to the window. There she is. Now that she's cuffed and in another room you take the liberty to look at her more closely.

 

You remember that she was really beautiful, she looked a little like Emily with her dark hair and her pale skin and she was really charming. Now she's too thin, skinny even. Her hair, once long and full, cropped short and becoming grey already. Her skin has an unhealthy touch to it and her eyes, those eyes you could get lost in for hours, are dull and hazy.

 

You wonder what happened to her but if you're honest with yourself you already know. Too much booze, too much drugs, too much sex and too little sleep. But you still wonder where she took the wrong turn. And you can't help yourself but think that it might be your fault, because in the beginning ... She had been just like you.

 

Your thoughts are interrupted when Morgan enters the interview room and you become aware of Hotch, Rossi and Emily being with you. Emily is standing right behind you, looking over your shoulder, a hand protectively on your arm.

Inside Morgan's sitting down opposite Carly, and Hotch turns on the microphone so you can follow the interrogation.

 

“So Carly, why don't you tell me why you killed those girls?”

 

She only looks at him with a smug grin. “I wanna talk to J. You her lackey or what?”

 

“Don't get your hopes up, Missy. You don't getta talk to her. Now why did you kill them?”

 

“She was always good at letting pretty boys do her dirty work for her. Sweet, innocent Jennifer. I wanna talk to her.”

 

You flinch at that, but the worst part is that it's true. She exaggerates of course, but the basic message is true. You were always able to twist all the boys around your finger. And you made good use of it.

 

“I'm not doing her work. She's none of your business right now. Why did you kill those women? Who's your partner?”

 

“Wow, not only pretty but smart, too. Well if you're so damn smart, why don't you get it? I will not talk to you or anyone else of your little club. I wanna talk to J. I want to see the look on her face when I tell her what I did for us. No one else. Understood?”

 

“No! You don't get it. You won't talk to her; you won't even look at her. You'll talk to me!”

 

JJ can see it happen, she sees how Carly gets the upper hand in this conversation. Morgan being an easy target for her. And she knows it will get ugly any moment now.

 

“Hotch get him out. Get him out now.” You almost beg, but it's already too late.

 

Carly looks up at the mirror; she knows you're standing behind it, watching her. And then she strikes.

 

“Well, that's all kind of interesting. Isn't it? Wanna know what I think? I think you wanna fuck her yourself. You wanna stick that dick o' yours into her sweet little pussy or even better up her cute, little, white ass. And you know what? Been there, done that! I bet it's really eating at you that she's fucking that other bitch. What's her name? Emily? A shame really, you're such a pretty boy.”

 

Hotch is too stunned to react for a moment, and that moment is all Carly needed. Morgan jumps up and is about to hit Carly, when Hotch finally calls him back.

 

You sit down on the floor, back to the wall, not able to stand any longer. You're so embarrassed. Morgan enters and you try to vanish, you can't look anyone in the eye right now.

 

But Emily doesn't let you. She crouches down before you and lifts you chin with her hand, looking you straight in the eyes.

 

“JJ. It's okay. She's toying with you, we know that. Don't let her get to you!”

 

The next moment Hotch is standing beside you. “We're not getting anywhere here. We're flying to Pennsylvania in one hour; maybe we can find the partner there. Prentiss. You and JJ stay here and try to get something out of her.”

 

You try to object: “But Hotch, I know everyone in East Allegheny, I would be more use there.”

 

“No, JJ. I don't want you anywhere near that second killer. You stay put with Emily and Garcia! We can call you if we need any info.”

 

“I can't do this Hotch. I can't face her, let alone talk to her.”

 

“Emily will. And Garcia will record the interview. No one else will learn any of this. But JJ you have to be honest with Emily so she can outsmart that ... Carly. Okay. I know Emily and Garcia are your friends. You do trust them, don't you?”

 

Of course you trust them, you just don't trust yourself anymore.

 

Chapter Text

The team is gone and you're left alone with Emily; and with Garcia, tucked away in her office. You're ALONE with Emily and you know you have a lot of explaining to do. But you really don't know where to start or how.

 

“I'll take it this is gonna be a longer conversation? How about I grab us some coffee and we just talk. I know this is very difficult and embarrassing, but I promise: I will neither hate you nor will I stop loving you. I don't care what you did, even if it was sick or weird or even forbidden. But I highly doubt that you did anything that could really offend me. But in the case you did. I don't care, because I love who you are right now! And if what you went through made you who you are, well then that's fine with me!”

 

You look at her and wonder how she can be so calm about this. Didn't she hear what Carly said? Doesn't she see how twisted you really are? You don't even register that she admitted being in love with you.

 

“Why don't you sit down? I'll be right back.”

 

And then she's gone. You stand up and look through the window again. Seeing her brings back a lot of memories, bad memories; but some good ones too.

 

Carly sits at the table like she's on vacation; relaxed, calm, self-confident. She's muttering something, her lips moving constantly. You know you should turn the micro on; she could say something useful, but you can't. And then she looks up and your eyes meet. You jump away from the window out of reflex; you know she can't see you, but you feel the need to flee anyway.

 

You sit down at the table in the back of the room, away from the window, your hands shaking slightly. You bury your head in your hands. Just this morning everything seemed to be good. Better than good actually. Carly locked away securely, you and Emily finally ended the dancing around of each other.

 

And then Carly managed to screw it all. You're mortified that everyone knows now.

 

You never wanted to go back there; you never wanted anyone to find out. It's your past, you've changed. You're not that girl from East Allegheny anymore. You're a grown woman, self-confident, independent, with healthy desires. How could you tell Emily what she needs to know in order to crack Carly and still look her in the eye? How could you possibly continue working in the BAU? And Garcia? The thought of your dear friend finding out all this stuff brings tears to your eyes. You'll miss her so much.

 

Emily comes back with coffee for the both of you and her ready bag over her shoulder. She puts the bag down in the corner and sits down beside you.

 

“I won't judge you Jennifer.” She puts a hand on your arm reassuringly, but takes it away when you don't react.

 

“We'll see.” You take a sip of your coffee, it's just the way you like it, and start talking. You don't hold back anything; you don't go easy on yourself. You just tell matter of factly. And you never look at Emily the whole time.

 

If you would look at her you would see, that she's getting rather fidgety while you tell about how you met Carly in high-school and your first sex with her. You would see that she's opening the top button on her shirt and sweat is starting to form at her hairline when you tell about how you enjoyed letting Carly fuck you in semi-public places, always at risk of being caught. You would see that she's fumbling with her cuffs and wiping her sweaty palms at her pants as you tell her about how you liked fucking Carly with your fist or a big dildo and the other way around. You even tell her that you liked being tied up und being fucked up your ass. You take a shaky breath, tears streaming down your face freely.

 

You're surprised when you feel her hand on your arm again, trying to console you. You can hear she's about to say something, but you're not ready to face her rejection just yet; and you're not ready with your story. So you hurry to interrupt her.

 

“Wait.” Your voice is raspy from crying and talking and sounds desperate.

 

“Let me finish. There's more.”

 

You feel her squeeze your arm reassuringly but she doesn't say anything. You're relieved. You wouldn't be able to continue if you heard the disgust in her voice now.

 

You take another sip of your coffee, but it's cold now and you push the cup away from you, clasping your hands together instead.

 

You continue and tell her about how in your fourth year you made plans to leave East Allegheny for College. You worked very hard and didn't spend as much time with her than before. She became jealous and tried to convince you to stay. But leaving and finally being able to be who you are had been your dream for so long; you wouldn't give that up, not even for her.

 

She tried to convince you and to sweet talk you, she tried to make you jealous fucking around with other people, she tried to make you believe that your desires were sick and nobody but her would understand them. But you wouldn't have any of it, you were determined; nothing and nobody would hold you. When nothing worked Carly started beating you. You finally threatened to press charges, buying you the time to actually finish high school and leave.

 

“That was actually the last time I saw her or talked to her until yesterday.”

 

You still won't look at her, you couldn't bear to see the distance in her eyes.

 

For a long time neither of you speaks, after some moments Emily gets up and starts pacing though; you know it helps her think. You risk some quick glances but her face gives nothing away. She's deep in thoughts, brows furrowed, softly mumbling under her breath.

 

And with every minute passing without her turning to you and utter her disregard for you, you get your hopes up just a little more. Hopes that maybe, just maybe she wouldn't hate you now; that you could somehow manage to stay friends at least.

 

After what seems like an eternity she finally turns back to you and sits down beside you again.

 

“I have a plan. But I need your help.”

 

You look into her eyes and search for her feelings, but she's focused on the case, there's no hint what she's feeling for you now. And you feel like screaming at her. 'Tell me already that you hate me now! Let's get over with it. Don't say nothing!'

 

But you don't. You just nod and wait for her to elaborate.

 

“So, I get that she's the jealous type, huh?”

 

You nod again.

 

She resumes her pacing, talking more to herself than to you, finding the words as she talks.

 

“We'll make that work for us. I wanna make her believe that we're fucking. Here, now, with her in the next room. And that I had a great time fucking you while being able to look at her, knowing that I can have you whenever I want, wherever I want and in any way I want, and she doesn't. I wanna go in there with a smug grin on my face and make her more jealous than she's ever been before. I want her to lose her temper. I want her to go psycho and lose control.”

 

“Sure. What do you need me to do?”

 

She's standing right in front of the window now, pulling out her phone.

 

“Garcia, would you turn the feed off until I tell you otherwise? No, only the observation room. Thanks.”

 

Confusion must be written all over your face, because she grins at you amused.

 

“Come here.” Her voice sends a shiver down your spine; you thought you'd never hear her voice sound like that again.

 

You get up and stand beside her at the window. And then your confusion grows when she starts to unbutton her shirt and slips it off her shoulders in order to bare them.

 

“Bite me.” You think she has to be joking, but she sounds dead serious.

 

“What?”

 

“Bite me. You bit me to stop from screaming.”

 

And then it hits you; what she's planned, what she's intending to do. And you actually have to smile.

 

“Em. I understand now, but listen. It won’t work. She'll see right through you. You have to trust me.”

 

You look deep into her eyes, biting your lower lip in concentration; you're trying hard to keep your emotions at bay. You can't let your hopelessness get in the way.

 

“I know her and she knows me. At least she knew me. I've changed, but she can't see that. I know how she thinks, how her mind works. Even if you can't have faith in us anymore, trust me in this, please.”

 

“We'll talk about us later. Right now we have to focus on this case. I trust you.”

 

Her glance is full of determination and if you didn't know better you could have sworn you'd seen sympathy in her eyes. You can't believe anyone in their right mind could possibly understand any of your desires.

 

“Good. Close your eyes.”

 

She raises her eyebrows but does what you told her to do.

 

You open your shirt too and take her hands in yours, placing them on top of your breasts. You hear her breath hitch and lean into her, pulling her close, to whisper in her ear.

 

“Do you feel that? Do you remember how we made love yesterday? How you made me come so hard? I can still feel you between my thighs, can still feel your tongue working me, your fingers inside me.”

 

You draw small circles over her stomach with your left hand, while your right hand is buried in her hair, keeping her in place. You feel yourself getting wet at the memories and your voice becomes husky. You start sucking on her pulse point and hear her groan, her hands toying with your breasts.

 

“This has to be real,” you whisper. “She needs to smell your arousal and mine.”

 

And then you kiss her hard, and she kisses you back with equal force, your tongues battling for dominance. You open your pants quickly and shove one of her hands into your wetness, coating it in your juices.

 

“Do you remember how you got yourself off on my thigh after you finished me off?” With that you push your thigh between her legs, into her center.

 

“Oh God JJ.” She groans and leans her forehead against your shoulder, starting to draw lazy circles over your clit, while rocking against your thigh.

 

You try to focus on the task; her hand between your legs is a real distraction, but you manage to control yourself.

 

“Don't move.” You stop her hand from moving, otherwise you would've come right then and there. You would love nothing more than to actually fuck her right here in the middle of the BAU. Or have her fuck you right there on the table. But you still have work to do.

 

“JJ, what…?”

 

And then you rake your nails down her back and bite into her shoulder, so hard you almost draw blood, almost, but it will leave very visible and recognizable marks.

 

You hear Emily hiss in pain and feel so guilty about doing this to her, about hurting her.

 

Then you pull back completely, turn away and start rearranging your clothes.

 

“You better get in there now. And don't make the same mistake Morgan did. Don't try to protect me. If someone can get it out of her it's you, but you have to stay calm, don't go easy on me.”

 

And you see the shock from the lost contact in her face, but realization what you actually did hits her quickly; you can see it in her eyes. She licks some of your juices off her hand and redresses.

 

“We'll talk later”, she promises and then leaves the room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

You step to the window again waiting for Emily to enter the interrogation room. It takes her way longer than you expected but not as long as you would have needed to get your act together.

 

You turn on the microphone now, although you know it will be hard to follow the conversation; you can't leave Emily alone with this.

 

Emily enters sporting the smug grin she promised, confidence radiating from her like light from the sun; blinding you, warming you. But at the same time you feel the sharp pain of loss. She could have been yours, if your past hadn't caught up with you.

 

Your co-worker struts across the room and sits down across from Carly, every movement shouting “butch”.

 

Carly taxes Emily from head to toe, openly showing her hatred for the agent. But Emily doesn't even flinch; she returns the stare, managing to keep her emotions hidden behind her professional mask.

 

“Emily.” Carly's voice is sipping with false sweetness and you flinch at the sound. You hate how Carly taunts her; how she tries to prove that she's the stronger one, that she's the one who deserves to be with you.

 

Emily only smirks at her and the next minutes pass in a silent battle of wills, both of them trying to stare the other one down.

 

You get antsy behind the window. No sound coming through the speaker. No coughing, no clearing of throats, not even the rustling of clothes. Neither of them fidgets or twitches. The pumping of your heart is the only thing you hear.

 

And then it's Emily who makes her move. You can't exactly see what she's doing because she sits with her back to the window. From your point of view it seems she's just scratching her neck, where her hair tickles her, but you see Carly's eyes widen in surprise and you know Emily managed to let Carly get a glimpse at the bite mark.

 

You see something snap inside of Carly and you know Emily has scored the first point.

 

“So J sent her bitch to deal with me now. Where's the pretty boy?”

 

Emily doesn't react to Carly's insult, nor does she answer her question.

 

“I'm Federal Agent Prentiss, I'm with the Behavior Analysis Unit. Now, we can do this the hard way or the easy way. It's really your choice.”

 

You can't believe how calm and collected she sounds and even you can't see any sign of unease or concern in her eyes.

 

“Well I can tell you what J would choose.” Carly smirks at Emily, sure to gain the upper hand again.

 

“Oh don't bother. I know. But why don't you tell me something I don't know already. Why you killed those women for example.”

 

You can see the disbelieve in Carly's eyes and you know she'll set a trap now for Emily, like she did with Morgan.

 

“You know Agent Prentiss, I really don't think ya know. Do ya wanna know something about your sweet, precious Jennifer? Well, lemme tell ya something.”

 

You hear the change in Carly's voice, how she slips back into her slight slang she used to have back in high-school. Involuntarily you shiver, fear gripping at your heart. Did you forget something? Did you leave something out of your tale? You can't really say, it's all a blur now. But you hope whatever it is, that it's not getting worse.

Carly's eyes start to twitch nervously and you can tell that she's about to lose it. And you can tell that Emily's noticed, too.

 

What happens now really seems to happen in slow motion to you.

 

You see Emily get up and walk around the table to stand behind Carly, looking straight into your eyes as if she feels where you're standing. She puts her hands on Carly's shoulders, leans slightly forward and whispers into her ear. You really have to make an effort to understand what she's mumbling.

 

“Let me tell you something, because you got it all wrong. See, I'm not her bitch. She's mine. And the reason why she's not here talking to you: she's in the other room unable to walk right now because I just fucked her. I fucked her hard and fast, knowing I could have her and you don't. I know exactly how she likes to be fucked. And sometimes I even give her what she wants, when she's been a good girl.”

 

You shudder at the coldness in Emily's voice, at the disdainfulness. You know she's only playing her role in this game, but she's so convincing that you fear she could really mean it; you know she would have every right to disrespect you now. After everything you told her today, how could she not despise you?

 

And then the events change from slow motion to fast forward, as Carly tries to get up and jump Emily. But the handcuffs hold her and all she can do is scream and rage. Emily standing calmly behind her, out of her reach.

 

“You stupid bitch! I'll kill ya. I swear to God. I'll kill ya. Nobody's get to touch her and live. That's why they had to die. They confessed! They confessed that they had fucked her.”

 

You feel sick to your stomach upon hearing this. Carly had tortured your teammates, of course they had confessed.

 

Carly continues to rant and Emily, standing in front of Carly again, just looks at her and you're sure she has a wicked grin on her face to fuel the rage further.

 

“Sofia swore to me that they confessed. She wouldn't dare lie to me.”

 

You have your phone out and open in a second, calling Hotch's mobile.

 

“Hotch. It's JJ. We have a name.”

 

Chapter Text

Inside the observation room you see Carly still raging against her cuffs, but surely they won't budge. Emily is sporting a very satisfied grin right now, leaning onto the table addressing Carly again.

 

“Gotcha.”

 

Carly stops every movement like she was hit by a thunderbolt and then spits Emily in the face. You feel rage coursing through your whole system and if glances could kill Carly would drop dead this second. How could she dare tainting Emily like that!

 

Carly starts speaking again, her eyes gleaming insanely.

 

“You'll pay for that Emily. I'll kill you, or I'll have you killed. Or even better, what do you think: will your precious JJ still love you when you're a little disfigured? Scars all over your face and body. Burn marks, where your skin is the most soft right now. No nerves to feel her caressing you. You'll never be safe again. You'll always have to look over your shoulder, my shadow will haunt you and hunt you down.”

 

And then she starts laughing and it's the most insane sound you've ever heard, salvia dripping from her mouth and her eyes are those of a maniac. And you swear to God that you'll protect Emily with all you've got; even if she won't be your friend anymore, even if she never talked to you again. You will not let her suffer in your place.

 

Emily's phone is ringing; seemingly untouched she uses a handkerchief to wipe the salvia off her face and answers the call, leaving the room in the process.

 

“Prentiss.”

 

The door to the interrogation room closes behind Emily and cuts off the sounds of her conversation effectively. You turn off the microphone; you're not able to listen to Carly's ranting any longer. You got what you needed; hopefully you'll never have to see her again.

 

Emily's still not reappeared and you start to wonder if she'll even bother coming back here. But then you remember her ready bag, still resting in the corner of the room; she'll at least come back to get that.

 

You sit down in your chair again, not able to do anything else. For the first time at the BAU you're at a total loss what to do next. Sure, you could go back to your office and start on the paperwork, but if you're honest with yourself then it doesn't matter to you. Nothing seems to be important right now. Maybe you should simply get up, leave your badge and gun on the table and disappear. But you can't even muster the strength to simply get up right now. Does it really matter?

 

You take your badge out of your jacket and look at it thoughtfully. You still remember the day you finally got it; you thought you managed to leave your past behind completely. You really believed that you were able to start over, forget your mistakes and be a better person, or a different person at least. You look at the picture and see your younger self look back at you; and you realize that you were wrong. Your past is an undeniable part of you, the darkness will always be there, inside of you, lurking in the shadows, threatening to come out and devour everyone who happens to be near you.

 

And now you managed to endanger Emily; you know better than to take Carly's threat lightly. It's really all your fault. It really might be better if you just got up and left right now.

 

You remember the first time you saw Emily. She came out of Hotch's office and you were at once taken by her beauty, by the aura of confidence radiating from her. The thought scared you a bit. It had been a long time since someone managed to catch your interest at first sight. You remember that you were torn between wishing she would join the team so would get a chance to get to know her better, and running the other way so you wouldn't be tempted.

 

It had taken a while, due to your difficulties with trusting new people in your life, but eventually you became friends. Emily really snuck her way past the barricades you erected after Carly. Penelope being the only other friend you had at the time. Sure you had co-workers, buddies, associates and the occasional fuck, but you let nobody really come close.

 

But Emily earned your trust, never pushing, never asking. She was always just there in the right moment. By being your friend she became yours. And soon after you realized that you felt more than just friendship towards her. But the thoughts, the fantasies, the dreams that came with it totally freaked you out and it had taken you the better part of a year and some lame, boring and unsatisfying trysts with Will to come to terms with your feelings. You finally were able to admit to yourself that you were gay. You hadn't been with a woman since high school; your occasional one-night-stands being men. But Emily got under your skin and you weren't able to pretend any longer.

 

Things really started to work out nicely between the two of you. And then: BAM! Carly was back and everything you had built up crumpled to pieces.

 

What should you do now?

 

Suddenly Emily is beside you; you never heard her enter, but she's there. She puts a hand on your arm and you tense under her touch.

 

“JJ?” Her voice sounds deeply troubled and your eyes are drawn to her. “JJ, what are you still doing here?”

 

You look at her questioningly, “What?”

 

“What are you doing here? You've been sitting here for almost two hours just staring holes into thin air. I thought you went to your office when Garcia called me. She's really worried.”

 

“Why would she be worried?” You don't understand what Emily's saying. The case is almost closed; why would Garcia be worried.

 

Emily sighs and you wonder why she even bothers checking in on you. She surely has a lot of paperwork to do.

 

“Hotch just called a few minutes ago. They got her and are coming back tomorrow. He told me to take you home.”

 

Her voice is calm, almost like she's talking to a child. You sense that she's holding back something, that something's bothering her deeply.

 

“Should I give you my badge and my gun?” You want to save her the trouble of breaking it to you gently; you really want to make this easy for her.

 

“What? Why would I want your badge?” Confusion is clearly written all over her face for a moment. She looks at you more closely. It seems she's searching for something in your eyes. Finally she gets up.

 

“Enough with this shit. Come on. I'll take you home. You need to rest. Clear your mind a bit.”

 

When you don't move, she takes your hand and drags you behind her, grabbing her ready bag on the way out. You really don't care what happens to you right now so you simply follow her, looking forward to being home. Alone. Quiet. With the nice bottle of Tequila you bought the other day.

 

To your surprise Emily stops at her own condo and foreseeing your question she starts to speak.

 

“There's no way I will let you be by yourself tonight. You're in no condition to be on your own right now. Come on. We need to talk.”

 

“What's there to talk about? I screwed up big time. End of story.”

 

Emily sighs again. “Look JJ. I really don't want to discuss this here in the car. Can we please get inside?”

 

“Fine. I guess I have no other choice anyway.”

 

You get out of the car and slam the door a little too loudly. You really don't know what Emily possibly would want to talk about. You are over, there is no sugar coating it.

 

Emily opens the door and you follow her inside, heading straight for the big windows facing the Capitol. You love the sight. Was it really only just two days ago that you stood here with Emily watching the sunset? Feeling all giddy inside like some high school girl because Emily's arms would sometimes brush against yours. Thinking about her lips and how it would feel to kiss her, to touch her. Was it really just yesterday that you finally took that step and did kiss her and made love to her?

 

You hear Emily busy in the kitchen, getting some coffee ready probably. Suddenly she's standing right behind you, her hand softly squeezing your shoulder.

 

“Jennifer, let's sit down and talk about this, please.”

 

“Fine. Whatever.” You walk over to the couch and sit down, Emily just one step behind you. She sits down beside you, one leg folded beneath her in order to be able to face you.

 

Once again you can't bring yourself to look at her, but she takes your chin and turns your head towards her.

 

“I'm here JJ. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you.”

 

You look at her in utter disbelieve. “What's bothering me? You really have the nerve to ask me what's wrong? Fine. I'll tell you. I AM WRONG. Okay? Everything about me is twisted and sick and just wrong. I'm gay and yet I enjoy dick. I like to be punished and I like to be tied up. I like to be fucked up my ass. The harder the better. And you are always kind and caring and gentle. How could I do that to you? There's no way we could possibly work out. That's what’s wrong with me.”

 

You worked yourself up during your little speech, nearly yelling at Emily in the end. Tears are streaming down your face freely. After your outburst you have no strength left and just collapse into Emily's arms.

 

She's just holding you, rocking you gently back and forth until you calm down and stop crying. You can't believe she's still able to even touch you; you feel so dirty and tainted; but being here in Emily's arms feels so good, so right.

 

You can't imagine why Emily still cares so much. Hearing your story must have repulsed her, there's no way she would still want to be friends with you. You sigh. There's really just one thing left she probably wants from you. The only thing everyone ever wanted from you since high school. Carly had warned you and she had been right. Everyone just wants to fuck you. Even if they didn't admit it at once. And if that's what Emily wants from you, you certainly are willing to give it to her.

 

When you start speaking again your voice sounds defeated, tired.

 

“What do you want? Do you want me to finish what I started earlier? Fine.”

You turn towards her, push her onto her back, open the fly on her pants and get one of your hands inside before she has any time to react. But after her first moment of shock she slaps you across the face, pulls your hand out and holds both of them firmly in a death-grip.

 

“Jennifer Ann Jareau! Stop acting like a whore!” She practically shouts at you, leaving you stunned. “What do you think you're doing?”

 

You try to break free from her hold on you, but she's determined and you are really tired. You can't get free and it starts to turn you on. You bite your lower lip to stop from moaning, trying to control yourself.

 

“JJ, please.” She continues more softly. “Please stop fighting me. Listen to me. Please!”

 

When you see tears in her eyes you sober up. You stop fighting against her grip on your wrists and she loosens her hold a little but doesn't let go completely.

 

“Okay. I'm listening.”

 

She seems relieved that you finally start to come back to your senses.

 

“I want you to listen to me closely okay? I will not leave you! Not ever. I don't know what you think about me, but I can assure you. I'm no angel either. What you told me didn't disgust me and wouldn't be near enough to drive me away. So you like dick. Guess what: me too. And you like it rough. Nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with you. You only made one mistake. You trusted Carly. And she told you that you were sick and twisted. I’m sure East Allegheny played its part, too. JJ what do I have to do to make you believe me? I love you. And I don't want to lose you.”

 

You can't believe what you're hearing. She can't be serious. Surely she misunderstood something.

 

“Emily. You don't get it. I am gay and I like dick. So much, in fact, I pick up random guys to be fucked sometimes. Maybe you don't think it's wrong and disgusting. But I do. I don't wanna feel that way. I've managed to keep it under control for so long now.”

 

“So basically you say I'm wrong and twisted, too?”

 

“No! You're the most compassionate and gentle person I know.”

 

“But JJ you are caring, too. You're gentle and sensitive and kind. You are a wonderful person. There's nothing wrong with your desires. Everyone has the right to unwind and to let loose and give into their wild side. It's what makes us human.”

 

“But ...” You can't bring yourself to believe in Emily's words. She couldn't possibly have a dark streak to her.

 

She sees the doubt in your eyes and takes a deep breath. Inwards you prepare for the next speech, but all she says is: “Do you trust me?”

 

Your answer comes quick and without hesitation. “Of course. With my life.”

 

“Good. Come.”

 

She pulls you up from the couch and leads you upstairs. You actually suspect that she's leading you to her bedroom but she turns left, opens another door and leads you into some kind of study with a big, old desk, and bookshelves covering nearly all of the walls.

 

She then leads you to the front of the desk and tells you to close your eyes. You're getting a little nervous but you do what you're told and close them. You hear Emily opening some drawer and rummaging through it. You lean heavily on the desk, exhaustion finally catching up with you.

 

Suddenly she's standing behind you again, very close; you can feel her breath on your neck and it makes you shiver.

 

“Trust me!” She whispers into your ear.

 

But you don't have the time to process what she's saying when you feel yourself being pressed face down onto the desk. She's taken you by surprise and manages to cuff your arms spread-eagle to the table before you're able to react.

 

“Emily… what the heck? What are you doing?” You try to fight the restraints but you can't move because she leans above you, adding to the weight pressing you down onto the hard surface of the desk. Her hair tickles your cheek and she whispers again: “You need to trust me. Please!”

 

You feel yourself nod. And then she's shoving your shirt up above your breasts unceremoniously and unclasps your bra pushing it up also. The desk is cold against your now bare breasts and you feel your nipples harden instantly.

 

She presses up against you from behind, the desk crushing your hipbones and you know you'll have bruises there tomorrow but you feel yourself getting wet with arousal.

 

And then there's her voice again, while she's busy opening your pants and slipping them and your panties down to your ankles, forcing them over your shoes so you're standing practically naked bent over that antique and probably expensive as hell desk.

 

“You know what I'm gonna do to you? What I wanted to do since I first lay my eyes on you, but never dared to hope for. You remember my first day? How you gave me the tour and told me everything about procedures? All I could do was imagine how your tits looked and how you would taste if I licked you and how I wanted to press you up against your desk and fuck you from behind.”

 

Emily's voice is raw with need and arousal and you can't stop the moan coming from deep down inside you. This is exactly what you dreamed about, what you wanted Emily to do to you since the very first day and what you never dared to hope for. All your doubts are gone, you can hear it in her voice; she's enjoying this as much as you do.

 

“You like that, don't you?” Her voice is teasing and sultry; and you're dripping already.

 

“Oh God yes. I need you to fuck me. Fuck me hard!”

 

You don't know when or how she took her clothes off, but you feel her skin now. Her breasts pressing into your back, her thighs against yours and something long and hard between your thighs.

 

“Oh I will.”

 

She presses your legs apart with her knees and enters you with three fingers without any warning.

 

You can't hold the scream and you hope that the walls aren't too thin, or that the neighbors are deep sleepers at least. But the thought that someone might actually hear youturnsyou on even more.

 

“Oh my God JJ! You're so wet.”

 

She starts pumping into you and you haven’t been this turned on and hot in a very long time. You moan and thrash about, not caring that the cuffs cut into your wrists and that the table crushes your hipbones even more.

 

You hear yourself begging for more, for harder, for faster.

 

And suddenly Emily's fingers are gone and you scream out in frustration; you're so close. But then you feel the strap-on sliding through your wetness, Emily coating it with your own juices. And you shiver in anticipation.

 

“Damn Emily. Don't tease. Fuck me already!”

 

And without any further notice Emily enters you with the phallic object and pinches your clit with one hand at the same time, while her other hand fists into your hair, pulling your head slightly towards her. And you scream again, because it's too much. She starts moving into you carefully and slowly, a little deeper with every thrust, to let you get accustomed to the size.

 

But it's too slow, you want hard and fast and you say so.

 

“Fuck Emily. Stop being careful and make me come already.”

 

And you hear her groan: “God JJ.” But she picks up speed and her thrusts become deep and hard and fast, just the way you like it and it's only a matter of minutes until you come; hard and fast like she fucks you, screaming her name until your voice gives out and you go limp beneath her, gasping for air.

 

You feel like your bones and muscles have turned into Jell-O and when Emily pulls out you groan, aftershocks rippling through your body.

 

You barely register that she's undoing the cuffs, freeing you from the desk and cuffing you again, your hands behind your back. You hear her hissing though when she becomes aware of the marks on your wrists.

 

By now, she's standing near your head and you don't care about your wrists, because you can smell her. The scent of her arousal a heavy perfume, mixed with the evidence of your own arousal, invading your senses.

 

She's standing right in front of you; you hear her breath coming in ragged gasps. And then she lifts your chin up with one hand, the big, black, fake cock nearly in your face.

 

“Clean it up!”

 

In the first moment you don't get what she means, but when she moves her pelvis forward, the cock nearly pushing into your mouth, you understand perfectly what she wants.

 

Just a second ago you thought you couldn't possibly move for at least a week but now you already feel yourself getting turned on again. You can't believe the boldness Emily is displaying, but you are absolutely ready to find out what else is to come.

 

You open your mouth eagerly and moan as you taste yourself on the fake cock. You feel Emily stare at you sucking and licking her fake dick and see her tremble in excitement, her abdominal muscles flexing and tensing in a rapid sequence. And you hear her moan out your name. You would love to touch her and make her come hard and fast, but you know this is her show and you are quite content with the part you're playing right now.

 

Suddenly she pulls back, panting heavily. She's fumbling with your cuffs again, this time fastening your hands together at some point above your head.

“Turn around. On your back.”

You see that she's opening the harness and stepping out of it, walking around the desktowards your feet.

 

You still feel like Jell-O. But somehow you manage to turn onto your back, your ass on the edge of the desk. You raise your head a little and see her kneeling between your legs. Her hands pushing your legs apart, wandering upwards on the insides of your thighs.

 

She throws you a smoldering look as she takes a deep breath, inhaling your scent deeply and all you can do is moan at the raw hunger in her eyes. You spread your legs further apart, lifting yourself up a little to meet her eager mouth halfway. You can't believe you're already that turned on again, but as soon as her tongue makes the first contact you're reduced to a moaning body again. You let out a frustrated groan because you would love to bury your hands in her hair and hold her head right there. Right there, with her tongue between your folds. And she's making humming noises sending vibrations through your clit into your whole system and all you can do is moan and scream and beg her for release.

 

“Oh God Em, please. Please. Yes there, right there.”

 

And then her tongue is on your clit and you feel like you're about to explode, because it's still too sensitive and a second orgasm is crashing over you.

 

You might have passed out, because the next thing you know is her adjusting the harness with the attached cock to your hips, its base resting firmly atop your too sensitive clit. And you whimper because the contact sends aftershocks through your drained body. But when she looks at you, hungry, predatory and sexy as hell, you feel re-energized. Your imagination is working overtime and the thought of Emily climbing atop of you and impaling herself on the black cock sets you aflame again.

 

And then she's doing exactly that. With feral grace she climbs atop the desk kneeling over you just above the fake cock. But then she leans down to you and kisses you sensually, slowly. The kiss completely different from all her previous actions, in stark contrast to her behavior. You can feel her wetness on your tummy and she's breathing heavily, trembling with excitement.

 

“I love you so much,” she whispers. “Never leave me. Please JJ. I need you.”

 

And then she's sprinkling little kisses all over your face and your throat, continuously whispering. “Please JJ, please. Don't leave. Please.”

 

And you can't believe she's the one begging you to stay and not the other way around. And you sense that she's holding back on your account. To show you that this is all about you and your dreams and not about her own needs. She wants to show you that it can be different, that your experiences aren't what really counts, and that with the right partner everything can be perfect.

 

You have to swallow before you're able to speak, your voice hoarse from overexertion.

“I won't. I promise, I won't leave.”

 

You hear her sob against your shoulder and you know she has to be tense all over, needing release as much as reassurance.

 

“Don't hold back Em. Please. I wanna see you riding that cock. For me?”

 

Her sobs turn into moans against your skin and when she sits up you can see the primal need reflected in her almost black eyes. You bite your lip and groan quietly, Emily's glance sending lightning bolts through your body.

 

She raises herself up on her knees and positions her center over the cock. You can't avert your eyes; your glance glued to the image before you as Emily lowers herself slowly but surely onto your fake dick. The pressure on your clit is sending tremors through your body and you fight to keep your head up, not wanting to miss a single moment.

 

As more and more of the dildo is disappearing inside Emily's core, she throws her head back and moans, and you know this won't take very long. It will be over too soon.

 

And then she's really riding you. Her movements becoming rapidly faster and erratic. Each thrust pushing onto your clit with tremendous force. You fight to keep your eyes open, moaning in unison with Emily who's moving frantically now, trying to find the much-needed release.

 

And then she's pinching her own clit and gets tense all over, screaming your name.

 

“Oh God Jennifer!”

 

And it takes your breath away how beautiful she looks in this moment, how uncontrolled. Finally she collapses atop of you, gasping desperately for air, and you never felt better in your whole life.

 

You want to hold her and caress her but your hands are still cuffed to somewhere on the damn desk and you can't move them; you're not sure you even feel your arms anymore. So you put tiny kisses on her head, make soothing sounds and wait for her to calm down again.

 

After some minutes, you can't really say how much time has passed, her breathing evens out and she starts to stir, pushing herself up carefully, to sit upright again. She groans a little, the cock still buried deep within her. She doesn't move any further but her eyes wander over your body longingly.

 

“You are the most beautiful person I've ever met, Jennifer Jareau. Inside and out. And don't you dare think otherwise.”

 

The emotion in her voice and the sincerity make you smile. “Right back at ya!” You whisper lovingly, not sure what else to say. You wriggle your arms a little and groan at the pain shooting towards your shoulders. “How about you uncuff me already?”

 

The devilish glance she's sending you makes your heart skip a beat and takes your breath away.

 

“Not yet. There's still something unfinished.” She only smirks at you, ignoring your questioning glances. Raising herself up from the cock she moans a little. She slides from the desk and you can see her juices glistening on the cock still standing tall at your center.

 

She moves around the desk and you try your hardest to follow her with your eyes. She frees you from where your hands are bound to the desk but cuffs them again behind your back. Then she helps you to sit up at the edge of the desk, your feet just reaching the floor.

 

And then she's in front of you again; looking straight into your eyes while she's sinking down to her knees. You wouldn't have thought it'd be possible, but her glance makes your arousal rise again. And when she peaks her tongue out to lick around the tip of the dick and along the shaft you feel like your legs give out beneath you; but her hands are gripping your hips tightly helping to keep you steady.

 

And then she's sucking ”your” dick and you can't remember seeing anything so damn sexy and hot in your whole life. And you feel as tense as if she was really sucking you and not some fake dick. All the while she's keeping your eyes captured with her glance. And you desperately need to touch her now, but your hands are cuffed behind your back and all you can do to spurn her on is moan and gasp and move your hips in sync with her.

 

“Oh God Emily. What ... shit! Oh my God.”

 

And suddenly you feel her entering you with her fingers. Two or three, you don't know and you really don't care because all you can feel right now is the heat coursing through your body, overloading your synapses and centering in your core, discharging all the tension and sending you over the edge screaming.

 

“Eeeeeeemilyyyyyyyyyy!”

 

You feel your knees give out under you, but Emily is there catching you and laying you down carefully. She finally uncuffs you, massaging your arms tenderly to get the blood circulating again. And you hiss in pain because it hurts like hell as the feeling starts to come back to your hands and arms. After that she unbuckles the harness and slips it off you.

 

You feel yourself gathered up in her arms and lifted from the ground. She actually carries you to the bedroom, nestled securely in her arms, your head resting on her shoulder.

 

And you never felt safer and more at ease in your whole life as you drift off to sleep in her arms.

 

 

Two months later

 

You sit in the kitchen by yourself reading the morning paper. Emily is still asleep upstairs; it has been a long night again. But something woke you up early; some gut feeling, and you couldn't go back to sleep. So you decided to get up rather than to disturb Emily's sleep with your tossing and turning.

 

You're sipping your coffee and even if you barely slept three hours you're finally absolutely content and happy with your life.

 

It had taken a lot of talking, after the edge was off you were both finally able to address your feelings and fears towards each other and towards your jobs. You agreed on keeping a facade for the job; both of you keeping your own apartment, arriving separately at work, separate rooms when out in the field. The team knew of course, but it was something everyone agreed to silently. Besides Garcia of course; who squeed and hugged you both, insisting instantly to be JJ's best man and the god-mother to all of your children.

 

Soothing Emily's fears wasn't as easy. Her fear for you needing men from time to time was warranted given your history, but when you explained to her that you were only dating men out of your fear of being gay and that she was all you had ever wished for, she was persuaded easily enough. After all she trusted you with everything else and therefore she decided to take your word for it and trust you completely.

 

Eliminating your fears, that you might hurt Emily's feelings with your more unusual desires had been a lot more fun. Whatever fantasies you threw at her: Emily was up to it, playing along and having as much fun as you did. And really, the only one ever to catch you during one of your semi-public trysts had been Garcia (You had to kick her out, because she refused to leave muttering something about too hot to be hidden.).

And so, here you are, sitting in Emily's kitchen reading the morning paper. You couldn't have imagined your life any more perfect than this.

 

Until your phone rings.

 

“Jareau.”

 

“JJ. It's Hotch. Carly and Sofia managed to get away.”

 

~ FIN~