Chapter 1: Don't get involved
Guess I’ll be seeing a lot more of you… Just like old times
Mycroft words rang through his head as he exited the wedding, pulling on his coat and finally allowing the sadness to show on his features. “Just like old times”
Caring is not an advantage.
Sherlock hated how true those words were. Allowing himself to fall in love with John Watson was one of the most idiotic things he could have done.
You look sad… when you think he can’t see you
Sherlock sat in the cab as the driver drove him back to 221B Baker Street. He didn’t want to go there it was a just a reminder of John.
This is what people do they get married. I warned you. Don’t get involved
Sherlock walked up the stairs as if in a haze. He needed drugs and he needed them now. The brunette walked to his bedroom, dropping to his knees then opening up the floor board which revealed a red box. Sherlock let out a shuttering breath and opened the box that held a syringe with a vial beside it. The drug greeted him like an old friend, the familiar feel of it crawling up through his veins and enveloping him. Sherlock closed his eyes allowing the haze to take over and allowing it to take John with it.
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people gettin' it on
Sherlock woke up with a groan and sat up. “John?” he called a couple more times before realizing John didn’t reside at 221B Baker Street any longer. Even after being back from Serbia, he still called for John when he woke from a nightmare only to be met with the sicken silence of the flat. The clock read 7:30pm and the sky had darkened. Briefly Sherlock tried to remember what day it was but he discovered he didn’t really care.
Sherlock sat in the dark for a solid hour before rising to his feet. He couldn’t take the silence anymore. He needed out of this flat everything said John and to top it off he wasn’t even free from John in his mind palace. He needed something… someone?
Maybe a gay club wasn’t the best of Sherlock’s ideas but it seemed to be logical. After drinking a various amount of alcohol and taking whatever pill that man gave him, Sherlock allowed himself to be pulled to the dance floor. He didn’t dance but he leaned back on whoever was grinding against him, allowing himself to imagine it was John.
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
James… Robert… Liam..? Sherlock couldn’t remember who it was dancing against him. He found that dancing with a complete stranger for a couple hours helped the bitter taste of loneness. Every night he’d go out dance, drink and get high before coming back to the flat only to repeat it. But not tonight. Tonight he allowed himself to get into the cab with this man.
“Where to?” The cab asked and Sherlock blinked several times before replying
“221B Baker Street” Sherlock let himself rest against whoever this man was but he looked like John. A little tall but he fit the profile blond, strong and blue eyes.
The next thing he remembers is kissing. The taste of vodka and weed on the other man’s tongue as it explored Sherlock’s throat. Then they were stopped outside his flat and the man gave the driver money as they climbed out of the cab. Sherlock took the man’s hand and lead him up the steep stairs.
Sherlock and John raced through the darken alley, linked by the handcuffs and Sherlock did the logical thing which was take a hold of Johns hand. Sherlock’s pale slender fingers fitting perfectly with John’s calloused tan ones.
“Shezza which one is it?” The man asked and Sherlock pointed to the door to his flat. Once inside the flat the man had Sherlock against the wall, the kisses heated and lustful. Sherlock let himself be hoisted up before taken to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind them.
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
Sherlock woke up to an empty bed and an ache in his lower body. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to push the longing for John out of his mind. He rose again and went to grab another syringe when he realized it was empty. He needed more; he needed to forget John the only way he knew how, Heroin
Spending your days in a haze didn’t seem ideal to most people and he would much rather be running the streets solving crimes with John but that was over now. He was back to the time before John.
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Sherlock let out an exhale through his nose as the morphine filled his veins. The haze the drug brought already starting to mess with his vision and the ache in his chest lessening with every passing second. Sherlock in that moment regretted ever giving this up, ever giving up this feeling because if it was anything to go by these past few days? weeks? months? that no one missed him. Of course dealing with Mycroft after he found out would be an extreme pain in his arse but for right now it was worth it.
What Sherlock didn’t expect was the sudden bile rising in his throat. The next thing the consulting detective knew was he was puking in the bathtub while his body shook violently. What he didn’t expect either was the blood in the bathtub and the sharp abdominal pains along with chest pains. Sherlock coughed and puked once more before he suddenly felt extremely tired.
“Overdose” Sherlock murmured to himself as he slumped against the tub but this wasn’t his tub. This wasn’t his bathroom. Where was he again?
“Shezza you okay mate?” This was the man he slept with; said man put his hand on Sherlocks forehead “you’re cold as ice”
“Overdose” Sherlock tried to say but it came out more as a moan
“Hold on I got a friend that can help” The blond said and called someone. Before he knew it, Sherlock was hooked to an IV laying back in the recliner. From observing the interaction this man that he had slept with again apparently was named Peter.
“Listen he needs a hospital now.” The man stated “He will die if we don’t call an ambulance
The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
John, I am a ridiculous man redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic los…so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
The speech is the only thing that is playing in the mind palace apparently. How inconvenient. When Sherlock opens his eyes, he is welcomed to the sound of a beeping heart monitor and a very concerned looking Mycroft.
Don’t get involved
Sherlock let out a shuttering breath as the words ran through his head again. “Mycroft”
“What the bloody hell were you thinking?” The elder Holmes hissed with clenched fists before they relaxed and he went to stand closer to his bed when he saw the look in Sherlock’s eyes “I told you not to get involved Sherlock”
“Don’t tell him” Sherlock murmured which caused Mycroft to sigh “please”
“As you wish” Mycroft murmured “Mrs. Hudson wishes to see you. You haven’t been home in a week and she had grown concerned leading her to phone me since John did not pick up. You’ve been brining men home and coming home late at night according to her.”
Sherlock squeezed his eyes shut and turned up whatever pain killer they were pumping into his veins. “I got involved”
“I know. I should have predicted this” Mycroft murmured as he brushed a curly hair from Sherlock’s forehead. “Did you intend…?”
“No” Sherlock replied but I wish I had
“I’ve arranged for you to stay with me for a while” Mycroft stated and when Sherlock opened his mouth to protest he added “Don’t object brother”
The visit with Mrs. Hudson was brief, Sherlock claiming he was exhausted and he needed to rest. The next thing Sherlock knew was he was in a car with Mycroft by his side.
“She’s pregnant” Sherlock whispered, if he wasn’t so emotionally unstable right now he would never be leaning on his brother and whimpering about things that sucked in his life. He certainly didn’t feel like a machine right now, machines didn’t break down and cry.
“I’m sorry” Mycroft murmured softly and squeezed the consulting detective’s hand.
A few days later John called Mycroft worried about Sherlock after hearing the news from Lestrade who had been texting Sherlock nonstop until giving up and texting Mycroft.
“Where is he?” John asked angrily through the phone and the elder Holmes sighed
“Safe. Shouldn’t you be worrying about your wife” Mycroft replied icily
“Mary’s fine. Why was I the last to know about it?”
“You haven’t contacted Sherlock in over a month. You didn’t inquire about his mental state then so why do you inquire now?” Mycroft asked a degree too cold to be considered friendly and then took a deep breath. The thing was he knew John felt the same way about Sherlock but it was clearly too late and he hated to see the pain his brother was suffering.
“I want to talk to Sherlock” John demanded, frustration building up as the call went on.
“I don’t think that would be good for him” Mycroft stated trying to hold in his anger at the doctor. Anger for not being there to stop it he supposed but also anger at himself for not catching it either. He assumed his brother needed time and bothering Sherlock when he was upset just wasn’t a good idea in general but clearly his judgment was wrong this time. “Have a lovely day Dr. Watson”
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Anti-Depressants were what they gave Sherlock. They made him feel sluggish but they took away the biting edge of pain he felt when he thought of John Watson. They kept him up almost all night, only for him to crash after a few days of no sleep locking him in a haze. Sherlock felt like some stupid teenager crying over her first love that turned out to be a liar and a cheater but unlike a teenage girl getting her heartbroken, she could hate the one who had done it. Sherlock could never hate John. John had chosen Mary over him and that’s what stung.
Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side
The two years over in Serbia, all he thought about was returning one day to John and that’s the only thing that got him through. Low and behold when he arrived the man he loved was planning to marry another.
Your friends will die if you don’t
Sherlock had jumped for John Watson and he’d do it again even now. He’d jump just to make him happy or to save him. Love only caused him pain and you’d have thought that he’d learned. After all he was an addict, keep pumping the thing that will kill you into your veins no matter how much it hurts.
I’ve always assumed love was a dangerous disadvantage
Sherlock pulled himself out of his head and check his surroundings. He was clean this time and the room was clean which seemed like the only change. Anti-depressants didn’t work the same as Heroin or cocaine or morphine. They take the pain or make him forget but it was close enough. Sherlock curled himself in a ball with a hood over his head and his gaze locked on the wall. Sherlock Holmes, the great consulting detective destroyed by a broken heart.
John didn’t know how to process what just happened. Sherlock relapsed into drugs and nearly overdosed all under his radar. The mix of emotions overwhelmed the doctor as he stared at his phone. After the call to Mycroft he feels a bit empty, what would make Mycroft say John wasn’t good for him. Sherlock seemed fine when he left the wedding, he left early….he remembered something Mrs. Hutson said.
I remember she left early. I mean, who leaves a wedding early?
Someone who is in love with the person getting married that’s who leaves a wedding early. Suddenly John remembered every time they stared for just a little too long or every time they said things that meant more. John leaned forward and put his head in his hands.
“John dear what’s wrong?” Mary asked as she walked in to see her husband in such a state
“Sherlock is in love with me” John breathed and Mary approached slowly causing John to look up at his wife who had a knowing look in her eyes.
Sherlock sat on the balcony with a cigarette between his lips and his coat wrapped tightly around him. He watched the snow start to fall, his blue eyes clear from the haze for now anyway.
All hearts are broken. All lives end
“Is there something wrong with me?” Sherlock asked as he took a long drag and Mycroft sighed softly.
“It’s simply human error brother” Mycroft replied, lighting his own cigarette and taking a deep inhale.
“Human error” Sherlock murmured and after a beat asked “Who told him?”
“Lestrade” The elder Holmes responded “He wanted to speak with you”
Sherlock reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone dialing Johns number before he could press call Mycroft stopped him
“Sher I don’t advise it” Mycroft stated, the two stared at each other for a minute or so before Sherlock pulled his hand away
“I need to Myc” Sherlock responded and pressed call.
“Sherlock?” John answered and Sherlock smile, he had missed the sound of John’s voice.
“Hello John. I assumed you would call me regardless of texts”
“What the hell were you thinking?! Sherlock a month! A month is all it took you could have called and asked for help!” John raved on for a bit before calming down “Are you alright?”
“My body is betraying me again” Sherlock stated, he didn’t understand this ache that began the second he heard John’s voice.
“I’m sorry Sherlock….I didn’t… I never realized...” John choked up slightly before clearing his throat. Sherlock remained silent, he was glad for the cigarette in his hand and the pills he took this morning. They made it much more bearable.
“Are you happy with Mary?”
“Not as happy as I am with you”
I'm still deciding between this being the end or not.
Chapter 3: Final Proof
I’ve always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.
“Please refrain from sayings such things. They do not help the … feelings” Sherlock muttered and closed his eyes
“You love me” John stated and Sherlock snorted
“I’m glad you’ve come to that conclusion at last. I seemed to think you had felt the same but my deductions were… wrong. Not a typical thing for me, I’m normally correct but then again I don’t understand sentiment very well” Sherlock shifted into a logical state because it was the only thing he knew how to “I really do wish Mary and you the best but I apologize if I don’t come around… It puts a strange ache in my chest that I have grown to know as heartbreak. I understand you may fe-”
“Shut up. Just shut up. You were right dammit. You’re always right.” John ran a hand over his face “I… didn’t realize you loved me when I got married. I love Mary but she’s not you and I can’t be with her knowing I’m hurting you. I can’t go another two years without you…”
“I’ll text you the address” Sherlock replied and hung up the phone before texting the address to John. It was odd feeling happiness again after so long of it being absent and Sherlock walked back to Mycroft with a smile.
“I knew it” Mycroft sighed
John had moved back into 221B Baker Street after breaking it off with Mary and when he went outside to catch a cab a sleek black car was waiting for him. Of course Mycroft would send a car. On the way to Sherlock he thought back to Mary…
“You aren’t happy with us because I’m not him” Mary murmured softly, there wasn’t anger in her voice as she stated the fact “I always knew you’d end up with him but I wanted to keep you for as long as I could”
“I’m sorry” John said as he looked up into Mary’s eyes and she smiled
“Don’t be I knew what I was doing” She stated “We can work everything out later but for now. Go find him”
John rushed out of the car when they finally came to a stop. Mycroft was waiting on the steps, umbrella in hands “Where is he?”
“He’s sleeping believe it or not. The anti-depressants keep him awake for days until he crashes” Mycroft stated “I thought we could have tea while we waited”
“Alright” John said and followed the eldest Holmes into the large estate.
“You broke up with Mary” Mycroft stated
“Have you been spying on me?” John asked not even remotely surprised
“No. Simply the lack of a wedding ring” Mycroft replied as he sipped his tea “but yes I’ve also been following you” John sighed and bounced his leg anxious to see Sherlock “I haven’t been able to take him off cigarettes just yet.”
John sighed and opened his mouth to say something when a familiar voice spoke up. “If you’re done ratting me out Mycroft, I’d like to speak with John” John stood quickly before marching over to the consulting detective and pulling him into a tight embrace. Sherlock took a moment before hugging back, inhaling deeply allowing the knot in his stomach to loosen.
All the while Mycroft had left the room while the two held each other for some time. “Are you okay?” John asked after a while and Sherlock nodded. “I missed you”
“I…I missed you as well” Sherlock replied into John’s neck and John pulled back so he could check over Sherlock’s body for injuries as if Sherlock had gone to battle instead of relapsing. John cupped Sherlock’s face before pulling him into a deep kiss which Sherlock immediately filed away into his mind palace. After they had both pulled away, their foreheads resting against each other Sherlock spoke
“John there’s something I should say, I meant to say always but I’ve never have. I might as well say it now…” Sherlock took a deep breath “I love you”
“I know” John replied and kissed him again “I love you too”
Sherlock couldn’t quite understand why John needed to pester him about the cigarettes. They were back at 221B Baker Street and Sherlock was completely banned from his nicotine. Not to mention Mycroft insisted on checking in every day. Although Sherlock was pleased with the growth in John and his relationship, whenever Sherlock would start about cigarettes, John would simply kiss him silent. It had been a month since they both had aired out their feelings. Mycroft forced Sherlock to remain at his home for a week or two more before allowing him to return home. Sherlock was off anti-depressants and was on his road to recovery.
“Bored” Sherlock groaned as he laid on the couch glaring at the ceiling and John simply ignored him, continuing to read his book. Sherlock sighed “John… John… John is there a case?... John” Sherlock looked over at his new boyfriend? John kept his attention on the book and Sherlock sighed louder again before swiftly moving to his feet. What’s the best way to get the attention of your significant other? Human contact. Sherlock came behind John’s chair and slid headfirst down John’s body, making it where his feet were hanging over the back and his head was in John’s lap “Don’t ignore me John”
John sighed and bookmarked his book “Sherlock what the bloody hell?”
“Bored” Sherlock stated causing the blogger to sigh deeply
“There isn’t any cases for you at the moment” John replied his fingers tangling in Sherlock’s hair and Sherlock frowned
“The toes won’t be ready for another three hours” Sherlock mumbled and John paused
“Dammit Sherlock I said no more body parts in the fridge” John chastised
“It’s science John!” Sherlock defended
“I don’t care if it’s bloody science that’s where we store our food” John responded giving Sherlock a pointed look and the brunette responded with a huff. “Why don’t you come to the store with me then?”
“Boring” Sherlock sighed letting his hands fall to the side
“How do you know? You’ve never shopped for food” John retorted
“It doesn’t take a genius to know pushing a metal cart around a brightly lit building stocked with substance and whiny children is boring” Sherlock stated looking up at the blogger who simply shook his head
“Maybe you could learn the solar system then?” John suggested with a slight smirk causing Sherlock to shoot him an annoyed look
“Don’t be absurd John” Sherlock stated before moving where he was sitting on John’s lap “Why would I need the solar system? Perhaps for that one case but it hasn’t proven valuable for anything else”
John set down his book before moving his hands to rest on Sherlock’s hips “You’re ridiculous” John murmured before kissing Sherlock and Sherlock kissed him happily in return. They stayed like that kissing slowly and softly, relearning each other mouths. Soon their slow soft kisses turned into heated, passionate ones and John’s hands slid down to grip Sherlock bum causing a pleased sound from the man currently straddling him.
Just the Mycroft strolled into the apartment and cleared his throat “I have a case for you”
Sherlock continued to kiss John ignoring his brother but John kept trying to push the other off “S-sherlock” John tried and Sherlock sighed looking up at his brother holding out his hand, before Mycroft placed a file in it.
“You can’t solve it?” Sherlock questioned as he opened the file, reading through it not bothering to move from John’s lap.
“As Lestrade would say it’s ‘not my division’ “Mycroft stated a ghost of a smile brushing his lips and Sherlock looked at his brother studying him before huffing in amusement.
“What am I missing?” John asked as he looked between the two brothers
“Nothing” Sherlock stated and closed the file “I’ll get around to it but as you can see I am very busy”
“Yes. I can see that” Mycroft snorted “Oh and brother quit investigating Charles Magnussen. I have it handled”
“I’m sure you do” Sherlock stated maintaining eye contact with his brother before Mycroft broke it
“Goodbye Sherlock” Mycroft stated and started heading out the door
“Who’s Charles Magnussen?” John asked
“Someone we are investigating” Sherlock stated “The game is on”
“Oh dear god” John groaned and Sherlock simply smirked
The game was certainly on, from one thing to another, it was just like old times expect better because now they stole kisses and lost themselves in between the sheets. The case did take up a lot of time and soon they were breaking into the office. Sherlock murmuring about smelling something before while John checked the other rooms. Sherlock went further in and was met to the sight of Charles Magnussen on his knees with Mary pointing a gun to his head.
“Mary whatever he’s got on you let me help” Sherlock reasoned as a gun was pointed at him. He knew John stilled cared for Mary and if helping Mary would make him happy then so be it.
“Sherlock if you take one more step I will kill you” Mary stated looking Sherlock dead in the eye. Mary wanted to kill Sherlock regardless because she loved John but knew he would be happy with Sherlock. That didn’t stop her from wanting to put a bullet between the man’s forehead for taking the father of her child away and if Sherlock was out of the way then it would be better for her in the long run.
“No you won’t” Sherlock stated and took a step before Mary pulled the trigger. Sherlock looked down and watched as his white button down shirt was stained with crimson.
“I can’t say I’m sorry” Mary stated before turning around and shooting Charles in the head, then turning to leave. The next thing Sherlock knows he is thrown into his mind palace, running down the stairs while Molly talks to him but he can’t focus not with the shock and pain.
“I said focus!” She shouts before slapping him in the face and that got him to focus. “It’s all well and clever having a mind palace but you have only three seconds of consciousness to use it so come on what’s going to kill you?”
“Blood loss” Sherlock replied
“Exactly. So it’s all about one thing now… forwards or backwards we need to decide which way you’re going to fall. Is the bullet still inside you or is there an exit wound? It will depend on the gun” Molly said and Sherlock was searching through various guns finding the correct one before he was thrown into Mycrofts office
“It doesn’t matter about the gun don’t be stupid” Mycroft sneered and Sherlock suddenly was a kid again saying ‘I’m not stupid’ after his ig brother insulted him. “What was directly behind you when you were murdered?”
“I haven’t been murdered yet” His younger self replied
“But it is a high possibility” Mycroft replied and Sherlock was back int hat room turning around to find the mirror with no damage which means…
The bullet is still inside me… so I need to take it out backwards
“Fall now” Molly supplied and then he was falling. The alarms in his mind palace were blaring
“What is it?! What’s happening?!” Sherlock exclaimed looking down at himself in the morgue.
“You’re going into shock it’s the next thing that’s going to kill you” Molly stated
“What do I do?” Sherlock asked
“Well there’s something in this ridiculous memory palace of yours that will calm you down. Find it” Mycroft said looking around. Suddenly he was running again down the stairs into every room trying to find the thing that will calm him down but in every room he went into he found Mary dressed in white shooting him, this is what the pain was like when he saw them marry. He finally found a room where Redbeard was and called to the dog, petting him with happiness.
That’s when the pain hit. His entire body shook as the pain took over his body and he was screaming in his head, his screaming echoing off the walls. The hole ripped through him was unbearable and the pain was like nothing he ever felt before. Not even the torture in Serbia.
“You have to control the pain” Molly instructed but how could he control the pain? Sherlock ran down and down until he reached the bottom on his palace. Then he was in a room with Moriarty who was chained to the wall and he asked why he never felt pain.
“You don’t have to fear it” Moriarty said “Pain, Heartbreak, loss, Death. Come on Sherlock just die already” He taunted “Mrs. Hudson will cry. Mummy and Daddy will cry. Mycroft will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets. You’re letting John down Sherlock. John Watson is definitely in danger.”
That made him open his eyes. He needed to help John it didn’t matter if he died or got hurt but not John. No one could hurt John. If that meant climbing back from death then Sherlock would do it to save John. He loved John. Sherlock used all his strength to push himself up, the pain was unmeasurable but he needed to help John. Sherlock ignored the shouts behind him as he forced himself to move. He needed to get to John. He needed to live for John. Sherlock grabbed the railing and pushed himself up the stairs. He could hear John’s voice encouraging him now. Sherlock pushed no matter the pain for John.
His life flashed back to 221B Backer Street and the soft kisses shared before dawn and the warm tea cuddled by the fire. Sherlock’s head resting in Johns lap as he read or the television playing while Sherlock cataloged the shape of John’s face.
When Sherlock came back to consciousness it was to John’s tired face. “J-john?”
John’s eyes snapped up from looking at their intertwined hands and squeezed his hand “Sherlock thank god”
“You’re in danger” Sherlock whispered hoarsely and John’s eyebrows scrunched together
“Sherlock you nearly died. I thought I’d lost you again. I don’t know if I could lose you again” John stated and shook his head clutching Sherlock’s hand tighter “I love you, you know that”
“I love you too” Sherlock replied too out of it for any proper conversation but he could say that.
“Who shot you?” John asked, his gentle features turning hard and angry
“Mary” Sherlock replied quietly and John clenched his teeth
“Get some rest.” John instructed “I’ll talk to Mycroft” Sherlock was too out of it to even object at that point his mind hazy and out of focus.
I hate me too.