Actions

Work Header

Letters from Monkey Island

Work Text:

(Walk to Archives.

Look at Archives.

“It's a room full of scrolls stuck in bottles!”

Pick up bottle.

Open bottle.

Look at Scroll . . . . )

 


When I grow up, I'm going to be a mighty pirate. I will have a sharp sword and find all the treasure and be the captain of the biggest ship in the Caribbean!

Everyone will be scared of me and I will plunder all of the islands and marry all of the wenches and be more famous than anyone ever was. No one will hold me down and spit on me because if they do, I will fight back with my tough pirate skills and they will run away crying.

 

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Threepwood

This week in class, students were asked to write an essay about what they would be when they grew up. I am rather concerned about your son's career aspirations. Can we please meet one afternoon this week to discuss this?

Sincerely, Mrs. Fish

 


Captain's Log, Guybrush Threepwood

(Can I have a log if I'm not a captain yet? Of course I can. I may not be a pirate yet but I'm on my way!)

Washed up on Mêlée Island. I don't remember what happened before now. I'm supposed to do something...something important. Some kind of quest. That involves a sword. And possibly a rubber chicken.

I'm sure I'll find my purpose soon. Adventure awaits!

 

 

Dear Captain LeChuck

It has come to my attention that you have kidnapped the governor of Mêlée Island. This is completely unacceptable. Please return her at once.

If you don't, I will be forced to take drastic measures.

Yours sincerely,
Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate

 


Captain G. P. LeChuck

As you did not reply to my first letter, I must warn you to not underestimate me. You have kidnapped my love, one Elaine Marley, and nothing will keep me from her! I have commandeered a ship and am about to set sail for Monkey Island.

It would be much easier for all of us if you were to return her, unharmed. I have trained with the SwordMaster of Mêlée Island and my skills will soon be renowned across the Caribbean.

This is your final warning. Free Elaine Marley or face my wrath!

Sincerely,
Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate

 

Dear Governor Marley

Don't worry. I'm on my way to rescue you. You'll be glad to hear that I completed my Trials and will easily defeat LeChuck, should it come down to a battle of the sword or of wit.

But none of that matters without you by my side. From the moment I saw you, I knew that you were a woman I would do anything for.

I'm coming for you, Elaine. I'll save you.

Your plunder bunny,
Guybrush

 


Dear Mr. Thriftweed

My captain, the esteemed Ghost Pirate LeChuck, requests that you refrain from sending him any more futile missives. He and his beautiful bride are very happy together and he will hunt you down and drown you at the bottom of the ocean if you continue to bother him.

Have a nice day!
Bob

 


Dear Guybrush

Stay where you are. I've got this under control.

I'll see you soon!

xx Elaine

 


To: LeChuck, soon to be dead ghost pirate
(Isn't a ghost already dead?
Shut up and send the telegram)

From: Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate

You stole my one true love. Prepare to die.

(Did you transcribe all of that?!)
(Stop!)

 


To whomever finds this note:
I'm trapped in a cannibal camp on Monkey Island. They're going to eat me. Help!!!

 


Dear Elaine

I went to see you yesterday and you were gone. The mansion was locked up, the guards gone, and only the gardener remained. He told me you'd gone on sabbatical.

I hope you haven't been kidnapped again.

Come to think of it, there was something suspicious-looking about that gardener. Are you sure he's not in disguise?

Love,
Guybrush

 


Guybrush,

I'm sorry I wasn't able to deliver this letter in person. You see, a family emergency has come up and I need to depart immediately to deal with it.

I will fondly remember our past few months on Mêlée Island. They truly were lovely once the spectre of LeChuck was vanquished by my our ingenuity with root beer.

Best of luck with your next piratey adventure!

Elaine Marley, Governor of Mêlée Island

 


Dear Elaine
You left without saying goodbye???
I got your note.

Thank you for your words. There's just one thing - you forgot to leave a forwarding address. Once I get myself a new ship I'm off to visit you!
Love, Guybrush

 


Dear Elaine

I guess you didn't see my last letter. I copied it out ten times and put it in ten different message bottles, each one sent off in a different current from Mêlée Island.

I am really starting to believe that you were kidnapped again, because you wouldn't just leave like that?

Would you?

 

 

Dear Elaine

I went to see the Voodoo Lady about what happened. I figured if anyone could track you down, it would be her.

She said there's only one thing a man needs to know to say to a woman, and it's this: I'm sorry.

(Although I'm not sure what for, but when I asked the Voodoo Lady that, she got creepy with the lightning and the magic and said it didn't matter, I just had to say sorry.)

(Was it because I poisoned your poodles again? I swear, I thought they would wake up. Honest.)

       (I'll buy you new ones.)

I hope this letter finds you well.

Love, Guybrush

 


Dear Elaine

From the first moment I saw you, my heart leaped out of my chest. Even though I'd never kissed a woman before, I knew you were the one for me.

All of those nights, cuddling by the fireplace - did they mean nothing to you? Every time you held my hand, my heart skipped a beat and I almost forgot that I was Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate and Ghost Slayer.

How could you walk away from someone like that?

I'll prove to you that I'm worth your love. I’m off to find Big Whoop. That will show you, once and for all, that I am a man worthy of you. A man who has even reached the age of maturity!  (Well, almost.)

My dear, sweet Elaine. My plunder bunny. The woman who inspired me to not only grow a beard, but 'acquire' a shiny new coat as well. I'm lost without you.

Love always,
Your Guybrush

 

Dear Captain Kate

I know what happened between us was just a business transaction, but to be honest, you're kind of cute. Your fiery red hair reminds me of another red-head that I once loved.

Wanna go on a date?
Guybrush Threepwood

 

LeChuck

I know you've been resurrected. Scuttlebutt says you're looking for me. Well, you should be scared, because I'm coming for you! My voodoo powers have not left me, if anything I have just become more powerful. Soon you'll be waving in the air like a shish-kebab!

Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate

 


To LeChuck, addendum

What I meant to write, was, "Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kebab!"

 


To LeChuck, addendum 2.

That's a piratey insult. Just in case you didn't get it. I know you've been out of the game for a while, what with being dead and then killed by me. So I guess you could say that being dead is your natural state? Haha.

Okay, signing off for real now.
Guybrush Threepwood, Spitmaster Extraordinaire

 

 

LeChuck

It's come to my attention that you may be responsible for the disappearance of one Guybrush Threepwood. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why you'd be interested in him. He's not exactly the most fearsome pirate-wannabe out there and I'm sure you'll agree that his face is just far too...sweet. Even when he tries to cover it with a beard (shudder). Which is never too pleasant when

Where was I? Oh yes, Guybrush. He suffers from a ridiculous amount of blind luck and delusions of grandeur. He claims he's completed the pirate trial of larceny but he never would have stolen the Idol o' Many Hands, or my grandfather's map piece, had I not let him. No one with his ineptitude would have got so far without help.
This means he's hardly a threat to you.

You're supposed to be the most fearsome pirate of the Caribbean Sea. You used to set your beard alight and laugh. (Was that because I didn't like it?) And you've stooped to kidnapping a hapless pirate-wannabe?

Really, LeChuck.

I'm disappointed.

Governor Marley

 

My Dear Governor

How wonderful to hear from you. I fondly recall the days we spent together on Monkey Island, you in my brig, me bein' up on deck, with the sweet smell o' hot lava drifting over the ship.

Sends warm shivers down me spine.

I will always rue the day those accursed monkeys ruined our wedding.

You will be happy to hear that I have no such pirate-wannabee in me clutches. The only prisoners in the brig right now are a little guy complaining about a monocle and a smart-mouthed kid. I'll probably have finished torturing them by the time you get this letter.

I'm travelling to Booty Island next wind change and will take you out for dinner.

Until then,
G.P. (former) LeChuck

 


Dear Mom and Dad

Where did you go? Why did you leave me here at the amusement park with Chuckie? I know you don't believe me, but he hates me. He kills me every single day.

But don't worry. I have a plan. After all, I'm gonna be a mighty pirate when I grow up!

I miss you, Mom and Dad. Will I ever see you again?

Love, Guybrush

 

 

Dear Guybrush

I don't know if you'll ever see this letter. You've been missing for weeks now, ever since you fell down the hole on Dinky Island. I climbed down after you but found nothing but abandoned railway tunnels.

Seeing you again made me realise something. It made me realise that despite your youthful arrogance, your annoying optimism and your ability to fit almost anything in your pants, I - I still have feelings for you. There's something about you, how you try, try and try, even after other adventurers would have given up hours ago.

I admire that.

I know you love me. I know you never stopped and I'm sorry for leaving. If you are alive, come find me. I promise I won't mention your kleptomania ever again and I'll even let you keep that pet piece of ghost ectoplasm you were so fond of.

(Just not in your pants. Please.)

Love, Elaine

 


Fiance's Log, Guybrush Threepwood

Elaine said yes! She's going to be my wife! She may be a gold statue right now and there's the small matter of LeChuck being after me again, but that hardly matters. I will finally have my one true love by my side, as was always meant to be.

Oh Elaine. My dear, sweet Elaine. I wonder if she'd mind me kissing her even while she's frozen?

 


Dear Mom and Dad

Well, I'm a pirate now, just like I always said I would be. I've sailed all of the seas of the Caribbean. I've acquired a ship and christened her Elaine. I've even been to the fabled Monkey Island and back, found out the secret, and lived to tell the tale.

Best of all, I've met a wonderful girl and I'm going to marry her.

I don't know where you are, but I hope you get this in time. The wedding will be on Plunder Island.

Love always,
Your Son

 

To: LeChuck (former ghost pirate, former zombie, former demon, former undead-raised-to-become-human-again)

It has come to my attention that you have kidnapped Elaine Marley. (Again.) Honestly, after 20 years of this, aren't you getting a little tired of it? How many times does she have to reject you?

There is no spell, nothing you could ever do, to make her love you. I know this because my father told me many times.

Come to think of it, I bet he's on his way right now to rescue her.

You'd better be quakin' in your booties!

Sincerely
Guybrush Threepwood-Marley, Jr.
Mighty Pirate