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Mr. Monokuma's Hamster Lessons

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A strange, monochromatic bear is sprawled out in a large chair with an umbrella drink in his hand. As he turns to the camera to speak, his whole face lights up with a very content smile:

Welcome to Mr. Monokuma’s hamster lessons. Today we’re going to talk about hamsters, because, okay, why not?

Did you know that hamsters are one of the more despair-inducing animals in the world?

It’s because they are nocturnal.

You see, human beings sleep at night. But that’s when the hamsters are in their wheels, running on and on. All the while, the wheel makes that horrible little squeaking sound every time it turns.

So, the hamsters are making the humans despair.

Now, do you know what the most despair inducing animal is?

That’s right. It’s the bear.

***

The camera glitches and the monochromatic bear vanishes. Two rather ordinary human beings slowly come into view. Actually, ‘ordinary’ is an exaggeration, one of them is wearing a formal gown, and the other one is bandaged up to his elbow while covering up half of his face with a scarf.

“Come forth, my Four Dark Devas of Destruction,” the bandaged one roars, further accentuating that ‘ordinary’ is a too generous descriptor.

“I think they are asleep, Gundam,” the girl with the gown says softly.

“They are always asleep when you need them,” Gundam responds, shoulders slumping slightly.

“Oh, but I wanted to pet them. They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”

“There is nothing cute about the Four Devas, Sonia. They are my ultimate weapon. Fearsome. Stealthy. Incredibly deadly.”

“So, hamsters are kind of like the Genocider Syo of the animal kingdom? Cute when they’re asleep, but extremely dangerous at night. I think I can understand why you keep them.”

The girl named Sonia sounds awfully pleased. She looks down at the beasts with an affectionate look on her face. The hamsters are snoring softly in their sleep.

“Maybe you can come to my cabin some evening when they are awake,” Gundam says nervously. “I’ll let you pet them.”

The camera glitches again.

***

It’s time for another Monokuma interruption!

I am here to talk about hamsters. Have you ever wondered why hamsters like to chew thing so much?

It’s because their front teeth never stop growing.

I like really that in animal. Long teeth that only gets longer and sharper day by day. Just waiting for sometimes juicy to gnaw upon.

Come to think about it – their teeth show a lot of resemblance to my claws.

Monokuma holds up his clawed paw and the camera shifts focus yet again.

***

Gundam Tanaka is standing outside of his cottage with a pained look on his face. His index finger is bleeding heavily.

“Gundam! Gundam! You’re bleeding. What happened?” Sonia’s voice is filled with concern.

“I have been gravely wounded in battle,” Gundam explains.

There is a fleeting look of fear on Sonia’s face.

“A battle? Did something bad happen? Nobody died, right?”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Gundam assures her. “A bad accident befell me when I was tending to Jum-P’s incisors. Jum-P is a sensitive creature and he does not like to be handled.”

“Oh. You got bitten by your hamster.” Sonia looks relieved. “But you need to take care of that wound. It’s bleeding. Should we call for Mikan?”

“It’s nothing, really,” Gundam shrugs. “I’ll take care of it myself.”

“Give me that finger,” Sonia says and there is something commanding in her voice.

Gundam hesitantly stretches out his finger. Sonia takes it, and dabs it gently with a small piece of cloth.

“I think it has stopped bleeding now,” she says after a while. “Does it still hurt?”

“A little, but it’s nothing really.”

Sonia grabs his finger again, and slowly lifts it up to her mouth. She smiles and then she blows on it, giving his finger a gentle kiss of air.

Gundam blushes. Sonia doesn’t seem to notice.

“You should probably disinfect that with some alcohol. Mikan should have some,” she says nonchalantly and walks away.

The camera glitches.

***

Hello, again! This is Monokuma speaking.

I’m sorry to interrupt our cute little scenes, but we have some hamsters we need to talk about.

Did you know that hamsters are omnivores?

That means that they eat everything. Wild hamsters eat everything from insects and lizards to grains and seeds. And they eat their own poop too.

Pet hamsters mostly eat the things that their owners give to them.

I have some advice for you. Don’t give your hamsters your carefully constructed murder weapons.

Why not, you might ask?

Because then they might eat it.

***

Monokuma vanishes, and we shift to Gundam and Sonia. They are standing inside of a cottage. The room is in slight disarray, with animal cages in all corners, bags of pellets strewn over the floor, a glowing lightsaber, some ninja headbands and several small figurines splayed all over the futon.

“This is really cozy,” Sonia says. “It reminds me of the storage rooms in my castle.”

Gundam looks at her, slightly awed.

“Did you want to hold the Four Dark Devas of Destruction,” he says shyly. “They are awake from their slumber now.”

“Can I hold Jum-P?” Sonia asks.

“Out of all my beasts, ordinary men fear Jum-P the most. He is lethally dangerous, wondrously aggressive and he shows no mercy to foe and friend alike,” Gundam explains and stops to think for a little while. “Here, you can hold Maga-Z instead.”

Sonia takes the small animal in her outstretched hands. She smiles and pets him behind his ear. The hamster looks very content.

“It seems like Maga-Z has taken a liking to your person. He is a very discerning animal. Do you want to feed him a piece of pineapple?”

“I’d love to.”

Sonia sits down on the bed, with the hamster on her lap. Maga-Z is happily munching on his pineapple. Gundam looks a bit nervous and hesitant. He paces back and forth, looking like he cannot quite make up his mind. Then he slowly and deliberately plants himself on the bed next to Sonia. The two of them are sitting fairly close now, and Gundam shows her exactly where Maga-Z likes to be petted. Sometimes their hands touch slightly and they both smile at that.

***

And then the camera glitches again. Monokuma slips right into view with a huge smile on his face.

You know a lot about hamsters by now, right?

But did you know why hamsters are called hamsters?

The word “hamster” comes from the German verb “hamstern”. That means “to hoard” for all of you illiterates out there.

Hamsters are hoarders. They save everything that they might need for later in their large cheek pouches. Mostly they just store food in there.

But that is not what I hoard in my hamster cheeks.

I hoard bombs.

Monokuma vanishes.

***

“I need to check something,” Gundam says, and stands up from the bed.

“What is it?” Sonia asks, still stroking the small animal on her lap.

“My Devildog earring has gone missing again, and I fear that one of the Dark Devas might be the culprit. I can feel my powers slowly draining from my body. Something needs to be done before I’ll be too weak to continue on.”

“That sounds terrible. Is there something we can do about it?”

“We’ll need to check Cham-P’s cheeks. He has a tendency to eat things he really shouldn’t eat.” Gundam pauses and looks Sonia squarely in the eye. “This will be a very dangerous quest. Cham-P’s mouth is filled sharp teeth and his incisors are deadly. There might even be poison involved. Are you sure you are prepared to do this, Sonia?”

Sonia nods determinedly.

“I’m ready,” she says firmly, “This is so exciting.”

“Then you’ll be my assistant. Come here.”

Gundam speaks softly to the small animal, while he gently opens Cham-P’s mouth. He swiftly secures the lost earring from the swollen cheek, while Sonia pets the somewhat disgruntled hamster on the head.

When it’s all over, Gundam gives her a small, shy hug.

The camera moves away from them.

***

Upupupupupupupupu.

You thought you could escape the long stream of randomly interspersed hamster factoids, didn’t you?

Well, I have news for you.

Nobody escapes the hamster factoids.

Here is another one: did you know that hamsters are very active animals?

Some hamsters have been known to run more than 5 miles in a single night. Mostly, they just run around in their little wheels, so it’s not like they’re getting anywhere.

Come to think about it - that’s very much like all of the humans I have ever known.

Monokuma’s face lights up in one of his trademark smiles, and then we go back to our regular scheduled programming.

***

Gundam is running around on the beach. His face is ashen and he looks almost feverish. He is very clearly searching for something, but nobody is there to help him. It seems that everyone is too busy with their own problems, and Gundam is not the person who asks for help.

Then, Sonia comes into view. She walks straight up to Gundam, puts a firm hand on his shoulder and asks him what is wrong.

“It’s Jum-P. He is gone.”

“Oh no, Gundam. That’s horrible. How can I help you?

“I don’t need any help,” he says and looks away. “I…”

“Of course you need help. Jum-P is missing. We need to find him.”

“Thank you,” he says quietly and there is a small hint of tears in his eyes.

“So? At what time did he disappear? Where was the last place you saw him? Do you have any idea where he might be?

“He disappeared this morning, when I was resting in my cottage. He was snuggling in my scarf as usual, and then he just left. He’s never done that before. I don’t know where he could have gone to. It feels like I’ve been searching everywhere.”

“These islands are quite big. I’m sure there are plenty of places where he could be hidden. I’ll help you look. Come on, let’s go!”

She gives him a big, reassuring smile and takes him by the hand. Gundam still looks sad, but there is a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

They search everywhere, combing through every little corner of the island. Gundam makes strange, singing noises to attract the animal. Sonia goes for flattery at first, but soon resorts to giving out orders for the hamster to return immediately. But Yum-P is nowhere to be found.

They are looking through the library for the second time and Gundam is on the verge of tears again. He pulls his scarf up so that no one will be able to look at his face.

“I don’t know what to do without him,” he says. “The other Dark Devas will never be the same if Yum-P’s gone. And I … I cannot …”

His voice trails off. Sonia puts an arm around him to comfort him. She gently pulls his scarf down from his face, and strokes his cheek. For a moment he looks like he wants to push her away from him, but in the end he doesn’t.

“It’s going to be alright”, Sonia says softly. “Whatever happens, it’s going to be alright.”

And she kisses him gently on his lips, and in that moment it looks like she’s right about that.

The camera zooms out.

***

Surprise!

Monokuma’s here again.

I have some new, exciting facts about hamsters.

Isn’t it sad when animals disappear like that!

Especially with hamsters, since they don’t live that long.

Did you know that…

Adh haks sedsh gaah urghh.

It seems like Monokuma has fallen out of his chair.

For a moment the screen goes black. When it returns to normal, the only thing visible is a giant white bear paw. On the bear paw is a bright red mark.

Apparently, a set of small, sharp, white teeth have made a very painful incision right in the middle of the bear’s foot.

***

Yum-P runs swiftly through the vegetation. He is a pretty smart cookie for a hamster, so he knows exactly what he’s doing and where he’s going.

He reaches the cottage at midnight. He deftly sneaks through the door and turns towards the futon. Much to his surprise, the girl who he recognizes from before is sleeping there. He jumps over her head and takes cover under the scarf, right where he knows he knows he wants to be.