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Mulder and Scully Meet Hank Moody

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In a bar, loud music and people coming and going.
Small hallway. Mulder exits from the bathroom, rubbing his hands.

 

MARCY (obviously a little drunk, slaps Mulder on the shoulder):
Here you are! What the hell is the matter with you!?

MULDER:
I'm sorry?

MARCY:
Stop acting like a wacko!

MULDER (trying to cut her off):
I think you have me—

MARCY:
You gotta put your shit together!

MULDER:
I'm not—

MARCY:
Stop! Okay? Stop! No more excuses! You go back in there and you tell her you're fucking sorry!

MULDER (trying to get away):
Okay. Can you... Let me go now?

 

Karen staggers toward them and wraps her arms around Mulder's neck.

 

KAREN (to Mulder):
I'm sorry...

MARCY:
What do you mean you're sorry?? He's the one being a jerk here!

MULDER:
As much as I would love to keep chatting here, ladies, I've got to... (he points the bathroom)

MARCY:
You just came outta there!

MULDER:
Must be the beer. Excuse me.

 

Karen grabs his face, corners him against the wall and kisses him. Mulder breaks the kiss and rapidly heads toward the bathroom.

He closes the door and leans against it. Then he walks to the mirror to check on his face. He cleans up the lipstick marks she left on his mouth. He paces a few minutes, awkwardly smiling to different men entering the public bathroom, then he slightly opens the door and peeks through the door ajar. All clear.

Mulder darts toward Scully, looking around him, and sits down across from her.

 

SCULLY:
What's wrong?

MULDER:
The strangest thing happened to me. Two women jumped on me. I must be a dead ringer for someone.

SCULLY (smiling):
Or they just played a joke on you.

MULDER:
What for?

SCULLY:
Well, it's Saturday night, and it is Los Angeles; I guess people want to have fun. You're a ... decent looking man.

MULDER:
Thank you. You're a decent looking woman yourself.

SCULLY:
Thank you.

MULDER (raising his beer):
So where were we? My turn? (she nods) Okay. Let's see. I could watch Independence Day 42 times. I've dated 42 girls. I chose my apartment because of its number.

SCULLY:
Independence Day?

MULDER:
Is that a joke? You wound me, Scully.

SCULLY (smiling):
42 girls? (he shakes his head no, she exhales, relieved) Phew!

MULDER:
Okay, Sister Spooky, get that little beer empty!

SCULLY (laughing and drinking):
I can't believe we're actually playing a beer game, Mulder.

MULDER:
C'mon Scully! "Two truths, one lie" is so much more than that! Plus, it's on the Bureau! (he laughs, playing the credit card between his fingers)

SCULLY:
Give me this! (she steals the card) We need more drinks! (she stands abruptly, almost losing balance)

MULDER (standing too to steady her, smiling):
You sure?

SCULLY:
I can do this. (warningly pointing at him) Don't follow!

MULDER (still smiling):
Okay!

 

Scully walks unsteadily toward the bar counter. Lots of people there. Mostly couples. She waves the barman, very busy, who doesn't see her. Then, she sees Hank at the other end of the counter. She turns around, toward where she was sitting but she's too small to see a thing. So she staggers toward Hank.

 

SCULLY (loudly, because it's noisier than at the table):
I said I could do it!

HANK (leaning forward to her):
And I'm sure you can, Hon'. But you can't sit here actually; I'm expecting someone.

SCULLY:
Haha, funny. Oh, I've had too much to drink.

HANK (looking around for Karen):
Then you should stop.

SCULLY:
No! This is fun! I wish I came more often.

HANK:
How often do you?

SCULLY:
Why, you would know. No one took me but you.

HANK:
Fuck! Really? Now, I wanna know all about that!

SCULLY:
What do you mean? It's not like you or me have a busy social life, or that many relations to do it as often as we'd like to.

HANK:
I have all the relations I want, thank you very much.

SCULLY:
Nah, you don't! You have a glowing job, that's what you have. You're too busy for having relations.

HANK:
Getting busy is always a good sin. God hates us all anyway. And glowing jobs sound pounding! You whet my inquiring mind, woman!

SCULLY:
As long as it's just your mind. (laughing) Wow! It's so hot in here. Aren't you? Warm and wet?

HANK:
Damn straight I am! Wanna know my awe-inspiring motto? "South, let her mouth wetter."

SCULLY:
Are we still talking about this place? I wouldn't want you to expose yourself.

HANK:
Sex pause me all you want, babe!

SCULLY:
Stop licking my boots. Not allowed!

HANK:
Roar... In silence it is. Bummer!

KAREN (arriving suddenly):
You son of a bitch, you can't help yourself and get a hold of your dick for ten minutes, now can you?

HANK / SCULLY:
What!?

CHARLIE (arriving, drunk, with Marcy. To Hank):
Mothafuckaaa!

MARCY (slapping him):
Shut up, Charlie!

 

The four of them leave, arguing, and Scully wonders what has just happened when Mulder sits before her.

 

MULDER:
Where have you been?

SCULLY:
I didn't move. (pause) Mulder, what are you keeping from me?

MULDER:
What do you mean?

SCULLY:
Who was that?

MULDER:
Who was who?

SCULLY:
Mulder, I may be ahead of you by a few beers, I can still say something happened between you two. Who is she? Where did she go?

MULDER:
Honestly, Scully, I don't have the slightest idea of what you're talking about. All I've been doing while you were gone was crawling across the bar to avoid— (he suddenly chokes)

 

Hank and Karen, holding hands, rush back. At first not paying attention to Mulder and Scully, Karen takes her purse on the counter. It takes Mulder and Scully to freeze in astonishment for Hank and Karen to freeze too.

 

HANK:
Nailed it, mothafuckaaa!