Actions

Work Header

How to Win Sword Fights and Insult People - Pirate edition

Work Text:

From the personal log of Guybrush Threepwood - Mighty Pirate.

I had another encounter with my nemesis the Zombie Ghost Pirate LeChuck today at the Big Whoop amusement park.

"How did you get from Melee Island to Monkey Island and back again in one day?" Elaine asked her husband. "Not to mention The Carnival of the Damned was blown up, it doesn't exist anymore."

"I feel through this time portal in the Voodoo Ladies shop, it took me back to the amusement park in the past," Guybrush replied.

"Then shouldn't you start your story with today I fell through a portal to the past and ended up at the Big Whoop amusement park." Elaine asked him.

"It's not a story Elaine, it is a journal entry of what I have done today, the most exciting thing I have done today," Guybrush replied.

"And falling through a portal into the past was not the most interesting thing you did today?" Elaine asked him in slight disbelief. "Don't stay up all night updating your journal, I want to read it in the morning and find out what was more exciting than time travelling. Goodnight Guybrush." Elaine kissed his cheek.

"Sleep well Plunder Bunny," Guybrush said to his wife, kissing her cheek in return. He watched for a moment as she settled next to him in the bed and quickly fell into a light sleep. He returned his attention back to his journal.

This was not the same nemesis from my recent years; this was my nemesis from when I was younger. This time I had the upper hand, I had years of experience under my belt, while he had  only known the younger version of me, the one who wasn't even engaged to Elaine yet.

- Monkey Island -

"There seems to be something different about you Threekwood," LeChuck said, walking around him while trying to work out what was different.

"I have this neat beard," Guybrush pointed out.

"You had a beard the last time I saw you," LeChuck replied.

Oh yeah, he did have a neat beard when he was younger. Whatever happened to his cool beard? That wasn't important right now, what was important was he was in the past and LeChuck was waving a sword at him and he was completely unarmed. When he was transported to the past, it was only himself and the clothing that he was wearing. His sword and all his neat loot were no longer on his person.

Looking for an escape Guybrush turned around and saw he was next to the entry way for the roller coaster. He turned and ran, hoping that he had the timing correct. Trying not to think about what he was doing he jumped into the carriage, he missed the first one he was aiming for and ended up being five from the front.

"Oh no, this was a horrible iiiiiiidddddddeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhh." He screamed as he held on for dear life and the roller coaster when around a loop.

"You've just endangered  your own life Thriftweed." LeChuck laughed.

Guybrush held on tightly as they went around another loop. LeChuck standing on the roller coaster and walking towards him, not at all affected by gravity.

"How are you doing that?" Guybrush called out to his nemesis.

"Are you forgetting I am a ghost?" LeChuck grinned.

Guybrush had forgotten the types of powers LeChuck had as a ghost since in the most recent years he had not been using his ghost powers. So much for his advantage of being from the future. Guybrush looked up in surprise as the train slowed down as it entered into a building. He had forgotten that the train also visited attractions. He jumped off at the display that had knew had real swords and pulled one from the mechanical pirate.

"So a fight is what you want?" LeChuck asked him.

"Well no, I just want to go back home, or maybe ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer first, I always liked that ride, yet instead I always seem to end up on the rollercoaster even though I don't like rollercoaster's that much," Guybrush told LeChuck, now while clashing swords.

"I'll be a gentleman and even let you go first," LeChuck replied, taking a mocking bow.

"People fall at my feet when they see me coming!" Guybrush said his first insult.

"Even before they smell your breath?" LeChuck replied. "Killing you would be justifiable homicide!"

Guybrush gave the return insult. "Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide. Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated!"

"Too bad they're all fabricate.” LeChuck replied.

This was getting nowhere, they both knew the insults each other was using. Guybrush turned and saw the rollercoaster was coming past again. He ran and jumped onto the rollercoaster, knowing that LeChuck would be following behind.

"Trying to escape Sheepwood?" LeChuck asked, just behind him on the train.

"No," Guybrush lied. "Thought that this would be more fun. I've never done Insult Sword Fighting on a rollercoaster before, just making it off my to do list."

LeChuck took a step back." New rules, we start in the middle, the one who loses is the one who has to step off their end of the train first."

Guybrush nodded, slowly climbing over the carriages, trying not to look at the track racing beneath them. This section was slower since they were going through the attractions still.

"If you leave the rollercoaster before you have won or lost, your life is forfeit," LeChuck told him the final rule. "My turn to start, now stand Thiftshop."

"But I will fall off if I stand," Guybrush replied, hanging on as tight as possible.

LeChuck grumbled before saying a voodoo spell. "There, now you will not fall off at all. Now stand."

One thing about LeChuck was, Guybrush knew that he would drag out his victory as long as possible, that is why in the end Guybrush often ended up winning. If the Ghost Pirate Zombie whatever else he was just finished him after they started, he would have won long ago.

Nervously Guybrush stood up. This was getting nowhere, they both knew the insults each other was using. Guybrush turned and saw the rollercoaster was coming past again. He ran and jumped onto the rollercoaster, knowing that LeChuck would be following behind.

"Trying to escape Sheepwood?" LeChuck asked, just behind him on the train.

"No," Guybrush lied. "Thought that this would be more fun. I've never done Insult Sword Fighting on a rollercoaster before, just making it off my to do list."

LeChuck took a step back." New rules, we start in the middle, the one who loses is the one who has to step off their end of the train first."

Guybrush nodded, slowly climbing over the carriages, trying not to look at the track racing beneath them. This section was slower since they were going through the attractions still.

"If you leave the rollercoaster before you have won or lost, your life is forfeit," LeChuck told him the final rule. "My turn to start, now stand Thiftshop."

"But I will fall off if I stand," Guybrush replied, hanging on as tight as possible.

LeChuck grumbled before saying a voodoo spell. "There, now you will not fall off at all. Now stand."

One thing about LeChuck was, Guybrush knew that he would drag out his victory as long as possible, that is why in the end Guybrush often ended up winning. If the Ghost Pirate Zombie whatever else he was just finished him after they started, he would have won long ago.

Nervously Guybrush stood up.

- Monkey Island -

I thought I was done for when I stood, LeChuck was a man of his word, my feet stayed glued to the rollercoaster car, we traded insult for insult, I was doing rather well with our Insult Sword fight until we ended up outside the attractions and everything speed up.

- Monkey Island -

LeChuck answered Guybrushs insults correctly. "There are no clever moves that can help you now."

Guybrush heard the insult but didn't answer. They were coming up to another loop. He tried to sit back down but found that he couldn't.

"Sheepweed, you didn't answer in time, you need to take a step back," LeChuck said, hitting the sword. "Move, or I'll run you through," LeChuck demanded.

Feeling the sword against his chest, poking through his shirt, Guybrush gulped and slowly took a step back. It didn't seem right to lift his feet while he was hanging upside down. Slowly he shuffled back into the car behind him. LeChuck then gave his next insult, which he didn't answer once again. Taking another step back into the next car, he noticed that in front of him was the Giant Monkey Head. He'd forgotten that the rollercoaster went into the lava pools, turning anyone on the coaster into the undead minions of LeChuck. Last time, Elaine had rerouted the tracks last time he'd been here, which hadn't actually happened yet since he was in the past.

LeChuck, no knowing he had been here before was explaining how the rollercoaster turned everyone who road into his minions.

Guybrush closed his eyes and got back into a sword fighting pose. He needed to forget that he was riding on a roller coaster and was going towards his possible undeath. He didn't know how he was going to explain that to Elaine.

"Will you continue, we don't have all day," Guybrush asked, keeping his eyes closed.

"You're actually fighting me like that?" LeChuck laughed.

"Nothing in the rules about fighting with eyes closed," Guybrush replied. "You took too long to insult me, so it's my turn again. I can't rest 'til you've been exterminated!"

LeChuck gave the correct reply insult. If he was going to win, he was going to have to come up with insults that LeChuck didn't know the answer to. He smiled when he remembered Ozzie Mandrills insults. Sure he didn't know the answer to them himself, but LeChuck didn't need to know that.

"You're the ugliest creature I've ever seen in my life!" Guybrush said while trying to remember what Ozzie Mandrills insults are.

"I'm surprised you never gazed at your wife," LeChuck replied.

Guybrush chuckled to himself as he clashed swords with LeChuck.

"What is so funny?" LeChuck demanded to know.

"Oh, it's nothing," Guybrush replied. "It hasn't happened yet."

LeChuck would not be happy to know that in the future he married Elaine, who just happened to be the woman of LeChucks dreams. Not getting an answer, LeChuck's fiery beard flared as he said his next insult.

"You're a snag short of a barbie!" Guybrush said, finally remembering one of Ozzie's insults.

"Time out," LeChuck exclaimed, "That is not a real insult."

Guybrush opened his eyes but wish he hadn't since he was now just outside of the Giant Monkey Head.

"Yes it is, you can even look it up," Guybrush insisted. "But if you do, I win."

LeChuck screamed out in frustration and answered the best he could. Guybrush had no idea if it was correct or not since he didn't know the reply to the insults himself, but it didn't sound right. He took a few steps forward giving the next insult he had learnt from Ozzie, which LeChuck still couldn't answer. He gave his final insult and looked satisfied as LeChuck lost, all his nemesis had to do was step off the rollercoaster.

"You may have won our Swordfight Threepweep, you will still become one of my minions." LeChuck laughed.

Looking around for an escape Guybrush saw in the larva was a swirling portal. He had two choices, stay in the rollercoaster and become a minion or jump into the portal and died if he was wrong about what it was.

"Here goes nothing." Guybrush ran and jumped towards the portal, moments before the rollercoaster entered the larva.

He screamed as he entered into the steaming portal, his screams and LeChucks laughing ringing in his ears.

- Monkey Island -

When I opened my eyes, I was back in the Voodoo ladies shop. Like I had never been fighting LeChuck in the past. I had all my belongings back, and the sword I had been fighting with was gone. I left the shop and glanced up at the clock in the town centre, it was still ten o'clock at night, so I had not lost any time either when I had been in the Voodoo ladies shop. I got my shopping list out of my pocket, remembering why I had visited the Voodoo shop in the first place. Elaine wanted me to pick up newt paste, apparently it was really good for her skin. I thought she looked beautiful all the time and didn't need anything like newt paste or any of the other beauty products she uses. She is the most beautiful person in the Caribbean, no the world!

"Guybrush, did you write that last bit because you knew that I was going to read your journal?" Elaine asked the next morning.

"No," Guybrush replied. "That is really what I think." It was true when he'd had fights or didn't agree with her, he'd wrote those down in his journal entries despite knowing that she always read his journal.

"Are you sure this actually happened and that you didn't dream or hallucinate this?" Elaine asked. "I know some very unbelievable things have happened to us, but Insult Sword Fighting on a rollercoaster in the past?"

Guybrush looked at her and went to reply, but he had no idea if those events really had happened. The Voodoo Lady was not around to confirm if what happened had been a dream or real time travel.

"Does it really matter?" Guybrush asked her, after thinking for a while. "The main thing is, I am safe back here with you."