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Honesty And Apple Pies

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The communal floor was suspiciously quiet. Tony peered around, half expecting Clint to drop from an air vent. He checked the time. Mid-afternoon on a Thursday normally meant a movie marathon of some sort.

"JARVIS, what's everyone up to?"

"Captain Rogers would like me to inform you that they're having a gangbang in his living room." Tony choked and spluttered coffee all down his shirt. He stalked to the elevator and jabbed his finger at the call button, as if JARVIS couldn't predict his every action. The jabbing helped alleviate his shock. Once he drew closer to Steve's door, (it wasn’t even properly shut, who does that?), he paused outside and listened to the grunts and pants coming out the room, and a strange banging noise that was reminiscent of the sound a headboard makes hitting a wall. 

"Right there."

"Harder."

"Stop stroking that Clint"

"Steve was made for this."

How dare they have an orgy and not invite him? In his own house nonetheless! Tony walked in to the sight of Steve, Sam and Clint attempting to assemble a book shelf as Barnes observed, flipping a screw driver from hand to hand. What. 

"Hey Stark," Barnes said, oblivious to Tony’s perplexed gaze.

"What are you doing?" Tony asked, glaring at the ceiling. 

"Gang bang," Sam mumbled around a mouthful of screws. 

"Gang bang," Tony repeated, and Barnes looked at him and nodded slowly as if Tony was being the stupid one here. Clint just grinned. "JARVIS define: gang bang," he said in an effort to prove himself not horrifically perverted or mad.

"The assembly of furniture by two or more men or women," came the polite answer. His brain stuttered to a halt. 

"What did you think it meant?" Steve asked with a look of confusion. Tony wasn't sure he'd ever fled a room so quickly in his life. 

--

Asgardians, they discovered, didn’t celebrate birthdays. So Darcy decided that the following Thursday (Thorsday, ha) they would hold a party for Thor. Tony just thought it was an excuse for cake and booze, but he wasn’t complaining, because cake and booze.

Everyone gave presents. Tony gave him a reinforced flask that could actually hold Asgardian liquor because it had melted through the last one. Natasha gave him a set of blades. Terrifying. Darcy gave him a t-shirt that said ‘Intergalactic Booty Call’.

“What?” she said as Thor pulled it on over his armour, and everyone sighed. “It’s true.”

As Thor unwrapped Steve’s present Tony could have sworn he heard Barnes chuckle, but when Tony turned he was as straight faced as usual.

“It’s to go on Mjolnir’s handle. To keep it warm,” Steve was explaining, as Barton burst into laughter. Tony choked on his wine and stared at the woolen item in Thor’s hand. His eyes bulged as Thor tugged it onto the hammer, and gave Steve a crushing hug.

“That’s a willy warmer,” Tony said, because there was nothing else for it.

“What?” said Steve, brows knitted in confusion.

“What’s that?” Both Darcy and Barnes were almost crying with laughter, which left Tony to explain. Natasha just gave him a steely glare.

“It’s a sock you put on your cock.”

“Oh,” said Steve. “Why?” Tony had no answer for that, and Steve looked vaguely doubtful. He had JARVIS pull up a photo of one in use.

“My eyes!” Clint moaned, as Steve stared in amazement. Thor merely chortled.

“It matters not! It is still a mighty gift for my mighty hammer.”

“Would you not agree, Lady Jane?” he boomed, and Foster didn’t even look up from her tablet.

“It is a mighty hammer,” she mumbled, then flushed as the room fell silent.

“Amen,” said Darcy.

--

“Poker night?” Clint asked with an evil grin. Natasha bowed out, claiming it would be unfair. Barnes shook his head, glancing at Steve, but agreed. Sam sighed.

“Why not?” he said.

“You’ll see,” Barnes said darkly. Bruce laughed in Tony’s face when he suggested it.

“The other guy doesn’t like losing. At anything,” he said.

They played for favours. Tony and Steve had even piles of chips, with Barnes a close second.

“Clint. You suck at this even more than Sam does,” Tony said at the end of one hand. Clint shrugged.

“Darts is more my thing.” Steve dealt the final hand and Barnes sighed loudly as he looked at his hand and muttered under his breath something that rhymed with ducking glass hole. Not exactly subtle for a master assassin. Tony had been counting cards, but as he looked at his own he realised he must have lost track. He chewed his lip.

Steve won with a royal flush. As Tony choked on his whiskey Steve smiled sweetly, sweeping Tony’s chips away from him.

“Some things never change,” Barnes said cryptically, patting Steve on the back. Clint stared at Steve with a strange look in his eyes.

“Did you-?” Clint said, then looked at Tony and laughed.

“Never mind.”

--

“Let’s see, what else did you miss, oh, the moon landing!” Tony crowed, and the footage appeared on a screen in front of Steve.

“Sure Tony,” Steve said, and swiped it away as he continued to read about the fall of the Berlin wall.

“No, Steve, it really happened!” Steve rolled his eyes.

“Just like the Martians?” Steve asked. And, to be fair to Steve, Tony had made up an elaborate story about aliens on Mars that may or may not have been based off a recent Doctor Who episode.

“No! We built a space ship, and walked on the moon!” Tony exclaimed.

“Okay Tony, I believe you,” Steve said, obviously placating him.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Tony hissed, and sent a multitude of articles to Steve’s tablet. Steve sighed, and read them all, then googled moon landing conspiracy. Tony cringed as he did it.

“How can you accept that Bruce turns into a giant green rage monster, which definitely perverts the laws of physics by the way, but not this?” he said irritably. Steve looked at him with wide eyes, and gave him a sickeningly earnest smile.

“A man on the moon is a little hard to believe.” Tony shuddered.

“I’ll prove it. We’ll go meet the one of the guys who stepped on the moon.” A strange looked crossed Steve’s face, but then he just nodded.

The next day Tony flew them to Florida, and herded Steve into the café where Buzz Aldrin had agreed to meet them. They’d met before, paths crossing at MIT when Tony had been young and contemplating space. Tony had sweet talked the man’s PA into giving them a few minutes of his time. Admittedly throwing around the name ‘Steven Rogers AKA Captain America’ had smoothed the way.

“Tony’s been trying to convince me that you walked on the moon,” Steve said once the pleasantries were done with. Buzz Aldrin grinned, and winked at Tony.

“Don’t believe everything this one says, he’s a lively one.” Aldrin said with a wicked grin. Steve turned and stared at Tony, as Tony stared at Aldrin. What the hell had just happened?

“I remember you from MIT, never knew when to stop talking,” he said. Tony was flabbergasted. There was no other word for it.

“I’m not sure I could lie to Captain America. Don’t tell anyone, I’ll never admit it, but between the two of us, it was staged.” He shrugged. Tony choked on his iced water (with a slice of lemon).

“I was an actor with a background of aeronautics.” This could not be happening.

“Why are you lying?” Tony whined. “Why are you saying this?” Steve sighed.

“It was lovely to meet you Mr Aldrin. Thank you for telling me the truth. Good luck with your Master Plan for Mars,” he said in his Captain America voice, while shooting Tony a dark look.

“The pleasure was all mine,” Aldrin said as they shook hands. Steve grabbed Tony by the scruff of his neck and dragged him out.

“No more lies Tony,” he said and Tony stared at his hands and wondered if this was a good enough excuse for missing his board meeting.

--

On Monday morning Steve told Tony he took his coffee black.

On Tuesday morning Steve told Tony he took his coffee with milk.

On Wednesday morning Steve told Tony he took his coffee with one sugar.

On Thursday morning Steve told Tony he took his coffee with two sugars.

On Friday morning Steve told Tony he took his coffee with milk and one sugar. Tony screamed. Everyone stared at him, and Bruce left the room. Barnes grinned evilly.

“Why do you keep changing your coffee order?” Tony said. Steve frowned as Clint sniggered.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s never the same!” Tony exclaimed in a voice that was very manly, and not at all squeaky.

“This is how I’ve always drunk my coffee,” Steve said, and took a large swig as if to prove it.

“He took it like that even back in the day,” Barnes added with a smirk.

“No. No!” Tony shouted. “JARVIS? Please reaffirm that I’m not going crazy.”

“Sir, the phrase ‘going crazy’ would imply that you were not already. Also, Captain Rogers takes his coffee with milk and one sugar every single day.”  Tony choked on his OJ. He stalked out the room, ignoring Clint’s chuckle and Barnes’ laughter.

On Saturday morning Steve told Tony he that he never drank coffee, only tea. Tony choked on his smoothie, punched a wall, which hurt because he’d reinforced them with adamantium, and decided bursting into tears would emasculate him. Barnes and Clint chortled to themselves while Steve shook his head.

“Tony, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Steve asked as he cursed. Tony pulled up the security feed of the last five mornings, and stared in amazement as in each one of them Steve informed Tony he drank tea, and quietly made himself a cup. He slumped into a chair. Natasha walked into the kitchen, and glanced at the footage.

“Whoever doctored those did a fantastic job,” she said, and the collective room groaned.

“Thank you Miss Romanov,” JARVIS said primly.

“Aw Nat, you ruined it,” Barnes said, as Tony turned in his seat to stare at Steve. Natasha grinned.

“You lied,” he said, and Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Congratulations,” Steve said drolly. Clint howled with laughter.

“But you’re made of honesty and apple pies.” Tony watched the footage again, while Steve dumped the cup of tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. It was black. No milk, one sugar.

“Correction,” said Barnes, holding up a finger. “Captain America is made of honesty and apple pies. Steve Rogers is a lying liar who lies,” he said.

“And also a cheat,” he added as an afterthought. Steve burst into laughter.

“Did you cheat at poker?” Tony said incredulously. Then he realised something else.

“JARVIS you traitor!”

“My apologies sir,” he said in a voice that was not at all sympathetic.

Two days later Tony was checking their phones for bugs as he examined the phone logs when he noticed something strange.

“Why did you call Florida?” he said, poking Steve in the chest when he found him in the lounge playing Mario Kart with Barnes. Steve snorted.

“Buck. You wouldn’t believe this one.”

“The moon landing.” Tony said, and tried not to cry.

“Pretty cool. One of the first things they told me after I woke up. I’ve known for months Tony.” Steve grinned. “Tony thought I was a conspiracy theorist. So I called Buzz Aldrin after we chatted. He thought it was hilarious and agreed to play along.” Barnes rolled his eyes.

“Effort much?”

“Worth it to see Tony’s face.” They finished the game and Steve pulled up a picture from CCTV footage of Tony looking like someone had slapped him in the face with a wet fish.

“This is getting ridiculous,” he mumbled. What else had he lied about?

“JARVIS, make a note: never trust anything Steve says ever again.”

“Certainly sir,” JARVIS said smarmily. Which reminded him…

“Oh. My. God. Gangbang,” he said and Pepper walked in.

“Tony!” Ah shit. Steve and Barnes gave him an affronted look.

“They know what I mean,” he growled. Steve stared at them with wide eyes. Oh hell.

“Does that mean what it used to back in the day? Because that’s not a very polite thing to suggest,” he said. His poker face was perfect.

“Screw you all,” Tony snarled and stormed back to the workshop. Past Thor’s hammer. Which had a cock sock on the handle. That Steve had given him.

Damn it.

--

Revenge. He had to get revenge.

“Coffee?” he asked and Steve nodded. He made them one each, and slid the mug across the table. Steve grabbed the sugar jar and dumped a spoonful in. Tony grinned. Steve took at slip and choked on it.

“Aha!” Tony crowed and danced around the room. He’d swapped the sugar for salt. He was a genius. All hail Tony Stark. Steve stood and poured his drink away, clapping Tony on the shoulder.

“I suppose I deserved that,” he said with a easy grin. Tony added salt and pepper to his scrambled eggs.

“Enjoy,” Steve said as he left the room. Tony ate a mouthful and promptly spat it back up. There was sugar in the salt shaker.

Clever bastard.