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Rebuilding Dreams

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Some may ask where I should begin the story of my life. We’ll start with college because dreams are fresh and futures are bright.

I got the opportunity of a lifetime, and ran with it. I managed to graduate from high school and then was accepted to the program of my dreams. Not many get in, and fewer get accepted to Juilliard on full ride. I didn’t have a choice. I had to go so when Kurt got his letter to NYADA plans were made. We moved to NY one month after graduation. Rachel and Finn were already there setting up their home, and after a few weeks on their fold out couch we moved in to our small 2 bedroom apartment in the heart of east village.

The first year was heaven. Our relationship was full of young love and romance that was punctuated by cheap pizza, study groups, work, and city dreams. All that changed though when Kurt landed his first gig in the chorus of an off broadway production. The show kept him out late. I would often leave dinner on low in the oven with an I love you sticky note only to find it still sitting there the next morning when we would fight over the best way to store the cereal in our pantry or who should cook the following nights meal.

I got burned out, I had no idea that following your dreams was such hard work, and the fantasy of happy Kurt and Blaine slowly began unraveling faster than we could pick up the pieces, and that’s how it ended. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks due to long hours, nights out with friends, even more fighting, and I wanted us to slow down. I had made dinner, set out candles, and he breezed in and said he had study group. I worked hard, trying to give him one night to slow down, and he was avoiding me. I knew it was Kenneth the hot new show choir guy, and something inside me snapped. I accused him of cheating told him I could practically smell another man on his clothes, and he looked up and didn’t deny it. I walked out then, gave him two days to pack and get out.

After the breakup I thought I would die. I put everything into finishing school getting my grades up and bettering my education. It wasn’t long after this that I got offered an internship as a jingle writer for an advertising firm and met Nate and Jessica. They were inseparable as friends, and welcomed me in. I graduated shortly after, was offered a full time job and hired Jessica to be my personal assistant all while dating Nate. He was amazing, but even after a few months and the changing dynamics he was still no Kurt.

Two years passed quickly, and during that time Kurt never left my mind. I would walk by places where we would have coffee, and talk and the realization that he was gone was always way too fresh, so when the invitation to our class reunion showed up on my doorstep I thought about not going. Part of me didn’t want him to see me. The other part wanted to go and renew our love, however, little did I know that news I would receive would change my world forever...


Sometimes it’s easy to skip ahead a bit, so I’ll be starting in college if that’s alright with you. Most of you probably already know the story up to that point anyway, I suspect. All the important highlights anyway.

I got into my dream college. Rachel and I both did. She went to New York with her husband and I arrived just a month later, that same summer, with Blaine. He was studying music comp at Julliard and the two of us were happier than ever before.

We had this little apartment, a little two bedroom, small but perfect in so many ways. Anyhow, everything seemed to come together. At first.

I got a job at Bergdorf Goodman, in the ladies department and the manager agreed to work around my school schedule. We refused further help from Dad and Carole as they were already helping with mine and Finn’s educations. So money was tight, but not impossible to deal with.

In fact for about a year I thought I could see our lives stretched out in front of us in shining glorious technicolor hues. When I first started getting the odd chorus part here and there, things started getting strained. Not too bad, mind you, but we stopped having much time to spend together.

Then life just happened, the way it does. By the time we were seniors I was getting more demanding stage roles and our schedules were almost completely at odds with one another. We blamed each other for ridiculous things like the sink springing a leak and the perfectly perfect way to store cereal in the pantry.

My grades threatened to slip and my adviser was breathing down my back, I lost my job with the department store because I just didn’t have time for even a very part time schedule, and worst of all I started hating to go home.

It didn’t take us very long to fall all the way apart. I thought Blaine was seeing too much of his other friends, and he thought I was doing the same. You know what though, we were probably both just avoiding each other for the same reason. It’s exhausting to fight so much.

The night it all ended, Blaine accused me of actually sleeping with Kenneth, this guy from school. He swore he could smell the guy on me. I was furious and I wanted to hurt Blaine for hurting me, so I refused to answer. I just didn’t fight him on it. Then he left.

He gave me the weekend alone and Rachel came and helped pack me up. It was exactly like a divorce. I had to sort through and take what belonged to me and send messages through Rachel about things that were ours.

Then my stuff and I moved in on top of Finn and Rachel and I was living on their couch when I graduated. Blaine and I cut off all communication.

One month later, I was working in as a baristo at Joe’s and found myself in need of a roommate. I wound up with Michael, a guy I knew from chorus. His place was a shit hole, but I didn’t need much in those days. Actually I don’t think we’re going to talk about that right now. Just know that they were passed in a haze of espresso during the day and tequila or weed at night and eventually I started caring about my dreams again.

I worked hard, I saved my money, and I moved out after only six months. I took whatever roles I could find, and believe me some weren’t pretty. Rachel was already making a name for herself and while I was happy for her, I didn’t want my mistakes to ruin what I’d worked so hard to build.

I let myself start having fun again, though there was always a little empty spot inside me that I worked to ignore. In between work and seeing as much of Tangled, Rachel’s show, as possible, I began to have a life again. I made a few new friends, got some better work, and even tried a few dates. That didn’t lead anywhere really. It felt good to be out, to be wanted, but ultimately I had my eyes on my career.

Chase got the closest to me. We saw each other for several weeks, and he was sweet and funny and good in bed. He wasn’t Blaine, though. None of them were. I wound up with a few regular bed mates, but I didn’t care about any of them.

That was when I got the role that changed everything. Liir, in Son of a Witch. I made it, finally! I stood outside the theater and took pictures of my name. Kurt Hummel. Right there; in lights. It was a victory, and I was going to give it my everything.

That was only four and a half months ago. I was riding such a huge high that when my friends really started to struggle I was slow to notice. I did eventually though, and my heart still hurts for them.

You’ve come into this story at a strange time, though. We’re all of us heading back to Lima for a reunion and honestly I have no idea how I’m supposed to be in the same room with Blaine. I’m sure he knows about the show. I know what he’s been up to, sort of. I have his first CD. It’s an EP, but the songs are beautiful, soulful, like Blaine. I know it backward and forward and yeah I can’t even talk about that either apparently. Anyhow, I don’t know if he’s seeing someone, or bringing anyone to the reunion. I couldn’t make myself ask anyone.

I’m terrified, really, and the two people who have been the greatest support to me so far are busy with much more serious issues right now. So I’m going it alone, for all intents and purposes. In just a few days I’ll see Blaine and I’ll smile at him and pretend that everything is great. It should be great, shouldn’t it? I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.

I hope this trip home doesn’t break me. I’ve only just begun to mend.