Surgery Day One
Surgery today. I’m worried. I’m worried what this means for Kurt and I, and what this means for our future. Maybe Burt and Carole were right. Maybe we are rushing into things, but we lost 2 years and now is just as good a time as any to reconcile right? I’m scared of losing him again, but I’m especially scared of leaving him alone if I die. -B-
Finn: I hope so, too. Thanks. But um…how are things there? Really? I mean I know the Nate thing is kinda weird but Blaine’ll get that fixed when he can. I’m sure he’s really glad you’re there. Are you holding up okay?
Kurt: I didn’t know there was a Nate thing. He just said he was Blaine’s friend. Is there a thing? Because he looked like he wanted to roast me alive when he saw me and Blaine told me not to worry about it and yeah there’s a thing isn’t there? Something nobody’s saying? Is Nate his boyfriend?! Oh my god, that would explain so much, of course he has a boyfriend. Fuck.
Finn: Hey… Kurt, relax, there’s no deal with Nate. They’re friends and have been for a while and that’s it. Well… sometimes they have sex but it’s not like… Nate definitely isn’t his boyfriend and won’t be. Blaine isn’t interested in him that way.
Kurt: They do have sex though? I feel like an idiot, I don’t know why I didn’t ask Blaine if he had someone. It doesn’t even matter if he doesn’t feel that way because obviously Nate does. You should have seen him Finn, I’m serious. He practically smirked when they got to go back earlier. Sorry, I think I’ve had too much caffeine, my hands are starting to shake. Shit.
Finn: They have. Obviously I don’t know details, but I know he is into this thing with you and he takes that seriously. Way more seriously than Nate, okay? Even if Nate was smug or whatever, you’re the one he loves and wants to be with. So lay off the coffee and stop freaking out about Nate and focus on what’s important, you know? Blaine needs /you/. He wants /you/. Don’t let some friends with benefits asshole take away from the….just the magic of that. You guys are back together and you won’t be any good to him if you have to do court time for beating the smirk off Nate’s face. You’re Kurt Hummel. You’re better than that.
Kurt: You’re right, okay. I just, everything is too new, you know? And now this, with the… the cancer. I’ll keep it together though. I can do that much, sorry I just. I need some water. And I … maybe something to eat. I just need to see him. I need to see that he’s okay...
Kurt was a wreck. He’d had way too much coffee on top of way too much time sitting alone in the waiting room. When the nurse finally told him he could go back and see Blaine, he stood up too fast and dropped his phone right on the floor. The hospital floor. He picked it up gingerly as the nurse studied him and then he pulled himself together as best he could. The nurse pointed him in the general direction and when he pushed open the door he tried to look relaxed for Blaine’s sake. ”Hey,” he said softly, smiling just a little as he walked to the bed. He didn’t look at anyone else, especially not Nate, but leaned in and kissed Blaine’s forehead swiftly.
Blaine was exhausted uncomfortable and wanted to see Kurt. Once he had woken from the foggy haze he realized he had made the mistake of not changing his second contact to Kurt and instead it was still Nate. He had just gotten a second round of painkillers a few moments prior when he heard the door open and he smiled weakly at Kurt as he kissed him on the forehead. ”Hey,” he whispered softly as he placed a hand on Kurt’s cheek, “They’re keeping me overnight. Have you heard from Rachel or Finn?”
Kurt picked up Blaine’s hand gently and held it carefully to avoid pulling his I.V. ”Yeah, Finn. I’ll be getting a hold of everyone else after they kick me out of here.” Kurt smiled slightly sideways at Nana Dot, but he couldn't make himself look over at Nate who was staring at him like he had two heads. The look wasn’t lost on Blaine, and he looked to his grandmother and noticed her stress as well, “Nate can you please take Nana home. You know where the keys are and Nana you need to go home and rest. It’s been a long day, and mom’s probably going to chew your ear off for at least an hour when you go call her again.”
Kurt had to swallow back the jealousy that instantly welled up. He didn’t know anything about Nate except that he’d been Blaine’s friend for a long while now and he kept looking at Kurt like he was trying to size him up and find his weakest point. Kurt hated it. He said his goodbyes though, thanked Blaine’s grandmother for making sure he had updates all day and then he said goodbye to Nate as well. Of course Nate was perfectly civil there in front of Blaine. So that’s how it was going to be, Kurt thought. When they were gone, he slipped into the chair next to Blaine’s bed. ”Can I get you anything, Blaine?” he asked.
Blaine just shook his head, “No I’m good. You don’t have to worry about him either.” Blaine shifted slightly and winced with the pain, “We’re just friends and I love you.” He carefully smoothed his fingers over Kurt’s and sighed. “Put your head here,” he pointed to the bed next to his hands, “you look like you need your neck rubbed.”
Kurt shook his head, “Blaine.” He stretched the name out long, like a plea. “You don’t have to do that, okay?” Kurt scooted in closer. ”You don’t have to explain anything to me, okay?” He smiled fondly at Blaine. ”I should be taking care of you. And I will, if you’ll let me.”
“I know and I will, but you can’t do anything while I’m hopped up on meds you know how weird I get.” Blaine smiled slightly and linked their fingers together, “and yes I do. I want honesty and feelings shared here this time.” He moved to sit up and press himself closer to Kurt before groaning, “this is gonna suck.”
“Alright,” Kurt agreed quietly. He wanted honesty sharing too, but what was he supposed to say, I don’t think you’re friend likes me very much? I don’t like the way he looks at you either? Kurt lost his train of thought when Blaine groaned and reflexively he tried to move closer, but there was no where to go. ”Do you want a pillow, behind your back?” He hated himself for saying it but he felt so useless.
Blaine shook his head,”No just hit the bed up button a little bit. I have never felt more like shit in my life even after eye surgery.” He closed his eyes as the bed moved slightly and he sighed. “How’s your day been well besides the obvious?”
Kurt took the controls in hand and lifted the head of the bed up just a little. ”My day has been long, but it’s alright. I had to be here. Thank goodness for kind nurses and Nana Dot because I might have made a scene out there this morning,” he laughed just a little bit, but his heart wasn’t in it.
Blaine looked over at Kurt and sighed tiredly and gripped his hand, “and thank you for coming and dealing with all my drama and all the hospital crazy. Especially since Nate and Nana are here.”
“Of course, Blaine,” he whispered, tiredly. ”I’m right where I want to be.” It was the truth. He wanted to stay. He wasn’t going to let this scare him off.
Blaine nodded and closed his eyes. It meant so much to hear him say those words. The road ahead was going to be long, and he wanted to be able to turn to Kurt. He sleepily mumbled out as he fought sleep, ”I’m glad, I want you here.”
“You should get some rest, hun. I’ll be around, you don’t have to worry about me. I hear they have really great jello here, I might try and find me some.” Kurt soothed his hand over Blaine’s lower leg, skimming the blanket so as not to make anything move at all. He sat just a moment longer, watching Blaine and then he stood, kissed Blaine’s cheeks gently and left. He didn’t go far though. He slumped against the wall just outside Blaine’s room and let his eyes shut for a few quiet moments. Blaine had to be okay.
Post Op Day 2
I wish he would have gone home to sleep. He can’t put his health at risk. Also, I feel like my head is spinning with all this new information...I can’t see him...I don’t want to lose him again..., also it’s worse than they thought... -B-
Kurt pulled himself out of the chair he’d been curled up in. He must have fallen asleep at some point right before dawn because the sun was streaming through the hospital window when Blaine’s text woke him up. He felt like crap and was achy everywhere, and he’d lied to Blaine, but there was no way he could have left last night. He hurried to the bathroom, tidied himself up as best he could, grabbed a cup of vending machine coffee, and proceeded to text Blaine as he waited for a few more minutes to pass before he went up to the room. When he finally got there, he pushed the door and smiled at Blaine. “Morning,”
Blaine looked and felt like crap. The morning had been rough, and he had spend the majority of it sitting in silence refusing to talk to anyone. ...Stage 3 Testicular cancer, lung and lymph node involvement. Words you never want to hear because what could have been a simple operation was just complicated with chemotherapy, possible radiation, and who knows how many negative side effects. He was waiting on one of the nurses to come insert the picc line when he decided to text Kurt he wanted to see him, needed him. He finished sending the messages and ran a hand through his hair when the nurse came in to pull his IV out and let him know he could shower, change clothes. The hospital gown was at least a day old, and he desperately wanted a shower. He was just about to stand up when he heard Kurt’s voice and turned to him and smiled, “hey”
“Hey,” he answered. “Are you going somewhere?” Kurt asked him lightly, a hint of teasing to his voice as he shut the door carefully behind him.
“To shower and put on my own clothes,” Blaine said looking over at Kurt and smiled, “and you slept in chairs last night and didn’t go home. I have spies. I have an extra pair of jeans if you want to change clothes.”
“I…” Kurt smiled a little ruefully at Blaine and swallowed. “It’s not right for you to charm the nursing staff like that. You’ll be breaking hearts all over the hospital before you know it. Anyhow I’m not showered so I’ll survived another day in my jeans if you can stand to look at me.” Kurt was going to sit but he hesitated. “Do you need any help?”
“Yes I’d like help. I don’t necessarily need it, but yeah it would be good.” Blaine slid off the bed and grimaced slightly, “I look like crap.”
“Alright,” Kurt said. he reached out for Blaine’s arm to help steady him. “You’re beautiful.” Kurt assured him and leaned and kissed the side of his head.
“Thanks,” Blaine said smiling over at him and sighed, “I saw the doctor this morning. Tonight’s going to be hell I’m afraid.” He walked into the bathroom and turned on the hot water and sighed before dropping the hospital gown on the floor and stepping under the hot steam, “Chemo and radiation are going to suck.”
Kurt didn’t answer at first. He’d done some reading about chemo and it wasn’t pretty. Blaine was probably going to feel like he had the flu, and that was the very easiest people reported. He could be really sick, he could hurt, and he’d probably lose his hair on top of all of that. It was scary and Kurt didn’t want Blaine to go through any of that, but he wanted Blaine to live too, so it was just something that had to happen. He rolled up his sleeves as Blaine got into the shower. “I’ll be here,” he said softly. it wasn’t much, but it’s what he had. “Did they tell you how long you had to stay?”
Blaine grabbed a bottle of shampoo and sighed, “first they said three days, but I was looking at some brochures and talking to the nurses I can stay three blocks over at the patient discount hotel. It’s four star.”
“Let me?” Kurt asked, reaching for the shampoo bottle. “I could see how that might have it’s advantages,” he said. He didn’t know how to feel about it himself. If it were him he’d want the comfort of home, but since it was Blaine he liked the idea that he could be closer to the hospital.
“Get undressed and get in here with me.” Blaine said looking at him softly and handing him the shampoo, “so you won’t have fashionable fitting clothes on but some of my jeans and a tank will do for tonight, and as for the hotel thing I can go home, but the first three days of chemo are six hour treatments and the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if I were close in case of bad side effects since I live further out.”
Kurt didn’t have to be asked twice, Of course he wanted to be closer to Blaine, wash his hair, help soap his back, but the idea of getting clean had it’s own appeal. “I suppose I’ll live, your jeans might be more than a little short on me, though,” he climbed in and took the shampoo from Blaine and poured some in his hand. “What do you think is best?” he asked. Then he began carefully soaping Blaine’s hair, massaging gently as he went.
“I actually think the pair I grabbed is a little big in the waist and a little too long since I wanted them comfortable. I have sweatpants also but I know you probably wouldn’t want to wear those in public,” Blaine smirked as Kurt rubbed the soap through his hair and leaned his head slightly against his shoulder. “Probably staying at the hotel. I didn’t get to tell you everything earlier but it’s definitely going to get worse before it gets better. I got the staging results from the surgery this morning, and I’m scared to even leave.”
Kurt worked the soap down Blaine’s neck, kneading ever so slightly, paying attention to every part, like ear lobes and collar bones. “Hmm, I think I might survive in your sweats,” he said thoughtfully. He poured out actual body wash this next time while Blaine spoke and began working down his arms, soaking in the feel of Blaine against him. “Do you have to leave?” Kurt didn’t like the way it was sounding. He’d read on his phone most of the night about stages of cancer and treatments and now he was thinking it must have been pretty bad. He’d honestly been too scared to ask.
Blaine nodded against Kurt’s shoulder, “Outpatient treatment is better for me. I want to be home with you. I’m just nervous.” He kissed Kurt’s neck as his hands ran down his shoulders and arms. “It’s stage 3. I never even felt the lump. They found cancer in my lung on the CT scan.” He wrapped his arms around Kurt and took in his scent, “I still have a ninety percent survival rate though and if Lance Armstrong can beat it I can too.”
Kurt thought he was doing pretty good. He was having a calm rational discussion about Blaine’s stage fucking three testicular cancer which had apparently spread to other areas of his body. Ninety percent survival rate. Kurt knew that was good, it was so much better than many other types of cancer. That didn’t make it okay. Nothing would make it okay until Blaine was cancer free and well again. He let his hands slip around Blaine’s chest and he held him. Kurt laid the side of his head atop Blaine’s and just stood for a moment. “You will,” he said simply. “You absolutely will.”
“Mhmm ‘cause if I don’t you’ll beat me up from the grave,” Blaine chuckled as Kurt leaned his head against his hair. He sucked in a ragged breath before he even realized the tears running down his face. “God, I’m so glad you are back in my life,” he said as he pulled him closer against him. “We should probably get out of here and get dressed. I think I heard one of the nurses knocking.”
“Mmhm,” Kurt agreed. Then Blaine turned serious and it took every ounce of willpower Kurt had not to join him and just bawl. He couldn’t say anything for a second so he kissed at a clean patch of skin on Blaine’s shoulder. “Turn around and rinse off while I step out and grab your towel,” he said. He let his hands slide off Blaine, but slowly. Then he stepped out.
Blaine watched as Kurt stepped out and wrapped himself in a towel as he stood under the stream of water. He shut it off after a few more minutes and grabbed the towel from Kurt and stepped out himself and began to dry himself off. He grabbed the duffel bag off the seat outside the door and tossed Kurt the sweats before sliding on his loose fitting jeans and a tank, “the nurse should be here soon to give me the picc line.”
Kurt got dressed, he didn’t actually care what the hell he wore, he didn’t care that he didn’t have his moisturizer or toothbrush. “Okay,” he nodded.
“I love you,” Blaine whispered as he opened his arms for Kurt, “come lay down with me for a minute. You look exhausted, and I know you want to take care of me, but I can still take care of you.”
Kurt sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”
Blaine nodded, “you aren’t going to hurt me. Now that I’ve walked around it’s not as bad as yesterday, and besides I want to hold you.”
“Okay,” he said and pulled himself onto his side, into Blaine’s arms. He held himself carefully away from Blaine’s incision, but he leaned forward until their foreheads touched.
Blaine ran his hands through Kurt’s damp locks and sighed, “you seem tense. Did you need to ask me anything talk to me about anything?”
“I’m just stressed. I’m worried about you, but I’m okay. I promise.” Kurt sighed and his eyes closed.
“Anything about Nate,” Blaine asked as he continued to run his hand along Kurt’s cheek and ear, “I might have been doped but I saw the looks.”
Kurt couldn’t take thinking about whether or not Blaine told Nate about their getting back together and what Nate said about it, and he didn’t need to hear about Blaine and Nate’s friends with benefits relationship. No. Not now.
Blaine sighed before kissing Kurt’s forehead and whispering, “he knows we’re together. I told him this morning when I called to talk to Nana. He’s a really good friend.”
Kurt nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. He was trying to hear Blaine and to be logical, but his heart had very little to do with logic.
Blaine sighed as the nurse came in to run the line and asked Kurt to get up. He looked over to him and smiled trying to stay positive and keep looking the bright side, but once the line was ran and the chemicals started his resolve started to weaken and he gripped Kurt’s hand, “stay with me tonight. In here not in chairs. We can have Rachel bring you clean clothes. Please.”
“I will, of course I will. I’m sorry I didn’t last night, I was just trying not to smother you too much.” Kurt squeezed his hand.
“Thank you,” Blaine whispered against his lips as he shivered slightly, “and I know I told Finn that you didn’t want me to know that you were here. The nurses last night kept popping in to check on me and wanted to make sure I didn’t want you to come in. I kept telling them no because you were asleep.” Blaine sighed as he closed his eyes, “I don’t think they will care tonight.” Blaine shivered again and sighed, “my arm’s burning.”
Kurt winced just a tiny bit. “Do you want a distraction. I’m sure we could find a movie or something. I read that some people like music or movies…” his voice trailed off.
“Movie sounds good,” Blaine adjusted in the bed and pulled the covers around himself. He was freezing even though he felt hot, and was pretty sure that it was just mind games from what he had read. He looked over at Kurt and smiled tiredly, “you pick. I probably won’t be able to stay awake the whole movie.”
“Okay,” Kurt agreed. He hoped Blaine could fall asleep, because later there might not be much sleep to have. He picked up the remote and began flipping slowly through the hospital channels. “So I think I might either go with Finding Nemo. I’d say that’ll be more fun than crime dramas or bad Hallmark flicks.” Kurt settled back into his chair and crossed his legs.
“Finding Nemo sounds like a winner,” Blaine said smiling as he sat up and reclined against the back of the bed and sighed, “I wish I could hold you. Stupid rules.” He sank back against his pillows and sighed, “I’m sorry I’m behaving like a child.”
Kurt clicked back to Finding Nemo. It was starting in three minutes, according to the little countdown clock on the screen. “You’re not really, but so what if you were. I wish I could hold you too, so there’s that. Now we’re both kids. And we’re going to watch our Disney movie now.”
Blaine laughed lightly as he tried to get comfortable to take his mind off the burning in his arm and the gnawing feeling in his stomach. It wasn’t long before the movie started and he felt his eyes growing heavy and he fell asleep. He woke from a semi restful sleep a few hours later only to get slammed with a wave of stomach pain and nausea. He reached for the glass of water on the side table, and noticed his hands were shaking as well. This couldn’t be good, “fuck,” he whispered under his breath as he tried to breathe through the nausea with little success.
Kurt wasn’t sure when he’d drifted off to sleep but he woke to Blaine shifting in the bed. “Baby? Are you okay?” he sat up groggily leaning forward toward Blaine. Was this it? Kurt had already moved the waste basket and the ugly little pink vomit pan was on the bedside table too in case Blaine needed it.
Blaine couldn’t really think much less speak he just shook his head and kept breathing. He didn’t want to throw up, so he figured the best solution would be the continued deep breathing like the nurse had explained might help, but all too soon his whole body was trembling and he was heaving into the vomit pan. Kurt was wide awake in an instant. he stood quickly and helped steady the pan in Blaine’s hands and then when he continued to be sick, Kurt grabbed the wastebasket.
Blaine’s eyes stung and burned as his stomach twisted in knots. This had to be worse than any flu or stomach thing he’d ever had. Once the vomiting seemed to stop for a moment he curled into the fetal position while shaking. He didn’t know what was happening, but he felt like he was going to die as he reached one hand towards Kurt in desperate plea for closeness. Kurt watched Blaine roll in around himself. As he went and got a wet cloth and wiped at Blaine’s forehead where his hair was sticking to the skin and gently stroked his arm with the tips of his fingers he knew there wasn’t much he could do but he could be there.