I woke up and you aren’t here. Please say you went home to change clothes, shower and sleep. The doctor came by and won’t let me leave tonight. I told him I’d be more comfortable being miserable at my house. He was clearly not amused.
Not exactly, I’m downstairs, I had a friend bring me some things from home. I’m almost done and then I’ll be there. I’m sorry you don’t get to go home, hun.
Friend? Do I get to meet this person? I want to meet the people in your life. It’s okay I figured when I wasn’t even three hours in and already sick I wasn’t going to get to leave right away. Can you bring me some more ginger-ale also? It’s my new best friend.
You absolutely can meet Jo, but I don’t know if today is the right day for that. She’s heading in to work right now, I’ll tell her though, I know she wants to meet you. Yes, coming with ginger-ale.
Tell her then that I said thank you for bringing you some things from home.
I will, love you too, almost back now! xoxo
Don’t rush. Nate’s here too. Be sure to let him share some of the responsibility.
Kurt was trying to be patient. This guy was Blaine’s friend. Blaine’s special friend, Kurt’s mind supplied. Either way he was important to Blaine and Kurt didn’t have any right to come in and be a dick about who was in Blaine’s life now. That didn’t stop him from hating the way the guy touched Blaine when he talked to him or the way he watched as Kurt straightened Blaine’s I.V. line so it’s wouldn’t pull. Did he think Kurt was incompetent? He knew a thing or two about making people comfortable, he could damn well straighten the I.V. line and the blankets and fluff the pillows without wounding or killing Blaine! He’d had just about all he could take of it, but he was being just as friendly as he could be. “I can get your socks if your feet are too cold now,” he offered Blaine. Of course even socks were apparently too much to trust Kurt with.
Blaine looked between Kurt and Nate and smiled. He nodded about the socks and took a few deep breaths. The anti-nausea meds seemed to help him slightly, but his body still ached and he was cold. He also really appreciated them wanting to stay and help, but the power struggle was obvious, and if he could go five minutes without feeling like he wanted to vomit in peace it would be a good thing. He took in another deep breath, “Actually why don’t you let me put on my own socks, and you guys go figure out when I get to get out of here.” He looked at Kurt, “I need to call Finn too.”
“Alright,” Kurt agreed. “We can do that.” He leaned in and kissed Blaine’s forehead again before heading to the door. “Do you want me to bring you back anything?” he asked, turning back.
Blaine smiled and nodded, “the usual ginger-ale, and maybe some chicken soup something substantial that I can try and eat.” He sighed and turned over, “and I need some tylenol too.” He grabbed his phone and dialed Finn, “hey man what’s going on?”
With promises all around for chicken soup and ginger-ale, and tylenol, Kurt headed out the door. He held open for Nate, but the moment it shut he felt his smile falter. He was exhausted and he hated that his healthy body would pull that shit while Blaine was laying in a hospital bed fighting cancer. He also hated that he couldn’t just be the actual cheerful and positive guy he was pretending. He didn’t mind not liking Nate though, that he could live with. “Maybe you should go handle the food while I talk to the nurses about some tylenol and when Blaine might be released.” he suggested curtly.
“Kurt,” Nate spoke softly, “I know he loves you, and it’s always been you, but you need to know that I’m not going anywhere either. He needs as much support as he can get, and so do you.”
“That sounds really nice, Nate, very sensitive,” Kurt said. He didn’t want to do this now, not here. He didn’t have the strength to do it right and he knew he’d come off like the jealous wounded sixteen year old he felt like right now. Hell he probably already had. Kurt swiped his hand down the back of his head and squeezed at the back of his neck. “I’m sure you can tell I have a lot on my plate right now,” he said, finally looking directly at Nate. “And figuring out how to deal with what I know about you in a mature way is just really low on my list of priorities.”
“I know we all do,” Nate snapped at Kurt, “but we’re here for Blaine and you have a fucking issue because he and I have fucked. I’m not you Kurt, god can’t you fucking see that. He loves you, and it’s always been you.” He rolls his eyes, “I’m going to go get him food. Do you want anything?
Kurt gaped at Nate, his hand dropping to his side. He had about a dozen good comebacks but the thing that flew out wasn’t nearly as good as he was going for. “I know we’re here for Blaine! You’re the one jumping down my throat about which blanket he likes and which shampoo is better for his hair!” Kurt was getting loud. Not screaming but definitely not quiet anymore.
“It’s because I care about him too,” Nate snapped back, “and I’ve been the one taking care of him for two years while you have been out of his life. You just waltz right back in and expect me to stop. I’m his friend, and yeah we’ve fucked, but that’s nothing but physical I assure you of that.”
Kurt covered his face with his hands. “Can you please stop saying that?” Nate had only mentioned fucking the one time but it brought such a vivid picture to Kurt’s mind that he didn’t know what he’d do if Nate said it again. “I don’t expect you to stop taking care of Blaine,” he said, lowering his hands. “You’ve missed the point entirely. The point is, I don’t want you to have to take care of him and I don’t want him to need you, but that is the way it is because I was gone. So the real problem is that I have to accept that and I don’t know how to, okay? I don’t. I need time, I needed to know about you before I showed up here. I needed some kind of warning, but no one said a goddamn word about it. So if I stumble around and act like an asshole it’s not because I think you’re going to just stop doing what you do, it’s because I can’t expend the extra energy to deal with it on top of everything else.” Kurt felt angry and tired and completely drained. Nate knew the Blaine Kurt didn’t. They had habits and memories and jokes and touches and it was too much. Maybe after a while it would be okay, but right now it was just so much.
Nate nodded and put a hand on the other man’s shoulder, “he doesn’t need me anymore Kurt. I need him there’s a big difference.” Nate shook his head and sighed, “I respect that.”
Kurt felt the last of the fight drain out of him. Everything was so screwed up right now and here he was in the middle of a hospital fighting with this man who was just trying his best to deal with the same damn situation. Kurt didn’t want to let go of his jealousy or his anger, he thought they might be the only things keeping him going right now, but when he looked up at Nate he knew he could at least stop treating him like the enemy. “He does need you, he needs us both.” Kurt swallowed the last bit of his pride. “Maybe that’s okay, maybe we can just work together.” Kurt put his opposite hand on Nate’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Yeah,” Nate said tiredly before dropping his hand, “do you want anything at all why I’m getting him food?”
“No thanks. I’ll just meet you back in there,” he said. “I’ll go talk to the nurses.”
“Okay see you later,” Nate said before walking off.
“Yeah,” Kurt said and he too turned and left.
The following morning Blaine rolled over and opened his eyes. His back was stiff and his body ached. He didn’t know if it was side effects of the chemo or if it was just from sleeping in a crappy hospital bed for the last three nights. He sighed and stood up to go wash his face and brush the foul taste from his mouth. Once done he looked in the mirror for a moment before deciding he still looked like crap and went to crawl back in bed to relax and write in his journal.
I found this picture on my phone this morning, and want nothing more than to get out of this hospital and go lay in some grass somewhere.
Positive note is that the surgeon and oncologist are stopping by, and hopefully I get out of here tonight. I still feel pretty weak, but having the flu like feeling will be better managed in the comfort of my own bed. Also I feel bad now because I kinda need to kick Kurt out of my room. He needs to eat and sleep, and I know he’s worried about me but I worry about him just as much. I heard the blow up between him and Nate. They both returned unscathed so no blood was shed, but I need to get out of here for him. I need to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything is going to be okay even if I don’t think it is. The doctor just showed up. I need to go talk to him, and maybe convince him to let me donate my left foot to science in exchange for my apartment.
Rachel came in a moment later to drop off a bag of items, and he hugged her quickly. Things were still rough between her and Finn, and he didn’t know how to help in any way other than listening.
Kurt got another cup of sludge from the coffee machine down the hall and when he got back to Blaine’s room, Rachel was there with everything he’d asked for and then some. He gave her a swift hug before collapsing back into his chair. It was his chair now, he’d claimed that spot, and he reached for Blaine’s hand. Blaine took Kurt’s hand and sighed, “you need to go home and sleep or at least get something to eat. That chair has a permanent imprint of your butt. Not that I mind, but you have to take care of yourself too babe.”
Kurt’s eyes flitted to Rachel and then back to Blaine’s. “I’m fine, I’m taking care of you,” he said. He looked down at the coffee in his hand. The disgusting vending machine coffee that he’d grown accustomed to in the past few days. “I’m okay, really,” he told Blaine.
Blaine rolled his eyes and sighed, “Mhmm, then why do you look like you’ve lost more weight and sleep than I have? At least go get a decent meal please. My surgeon is coming in later as well as my oncologist, and hopefully they send me home tonight.”
Kurt didn’t want to leave, he didn’t care a bit about a decent meal, but he was worrying Blaine and he didn’t want to do that. He held his hands up in defeat. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll go wander down to the dining room and see if they have anything decent.” He smiled a little sideways at Rachel and stooped to kiss the corner of Blaine’s mouth. “Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone,” he whispered. Then he reluctantly left, shutting the door behind him before slumping down in a corner and pulling out his iPad.
Blaine officially kicked me out. It’s not as dramatic as it sounds, he just wanted me to go eat something. Actually he might be right about that, I haven’t had real food since before his surgery, and that was, what? Three days ago, four, a week? Being in this hospital makes time skewed. I measure the days in nursing shifts and doctor’s visits instead of in hours and minutes.
I should care about things like food and bathing. I haven’t looked in a mirror for days. I’m probably scaring Blaine every time he looks at me. At least Jo brought my toiletries and a few changes of clothes. I did brush my teeth, I think. Last night. Maybe I should do that when I get back to the room. Maybe I should take a shower and exfoliate. I’m running around with days worth of hospital grime on my face and I just don’t care.
At least Nate’s not here right now. He can leave, he can shower and put on fresh clothes and come in looking all sane and together. I shouldn’t have snapped at him or argued with him, but he’s just this very real reminder that this Blaine isn’t exactly my Blaine. I mean he’s mine because we’ve agreed to be together, but for all the familiar things about him, he’s not the same man he was two years ago. How could he be? People grow and change. They meet new people and form bounds. So this Blaine, this Blaine is Nate’s in so many little ways that I’m only just starting to figure out.
I think I’m just really tired which is ridiculous considering I barely do anything all day long. I sleep when Blaine does for the most part so I ought to be doing well enough, but each day it’s just a little harder to function. I should probably go down and eat like I said I would. I can’t go home though. If I go home I won’t sleep. I’ll make phone calls I’m not ready to make. I know I have to talk to Trina about the show. I was supposed to go back after the reunion, but now I don’t know. How can I perform when I’m so sick with worry over Blaine? At the same time how can I walk away from the show when I’m the star?
And what if Blaine doesn’t get better? I’m just losing time with him every moment we’re apart and I can’t afford to waste whatever time we have left. Oh god, no okay? I’m not thinking that. Blaine will get better, but in the meantime he needs me, and even if he doesn’t; I need him. Maybe I can have one more week, just one more and then, then I can rely on some other people to watch over Blaine while I’m gone. Like Nate, and Cooper, and Nana.
Dad and Carole should be coming too. God, I don’t know how to do any of this. I feel like a child trying to run around and play at being responsible. We didn’t even have a plan. If I’d been with Blaine before we would have made a plan. We’d have packed together and discussed treatments. I’d know his doctors better and would have known what to expect. We would have worked out the details of every eventuality and I wouldn’t have to go home to shower or get things because my home would still be with Blaine.
Now I’m just sort of fitting myself into everything as best I can, and I know Blaine wants me here it isn’t even that, it’s just a matter of trying to juggle all of these feelings alongside feeling so out of control and helpless. And Blaine. I’m so scared I can’t even kiss him properly. I need to hold him and kiss him and give him my everything right now and I’m falling apart. It’s so frustrating!
I hate hospitals! I hate them! I hate the way they look and smell. I hate I.V.’s and blood pressure cuffs and hideously bright patterned scrubs. And stupid linoleum floors that shine under florescent lights! I hate all of it, I always have ever since, ever since Mom. And then Dad, and I really hate that I can’t just grow up and deal like everyone else.
It’s not like I’m the sick one here, I’m just the boyfriend, I can do that much can’t I? I don’t even have any duties like a normal boyfriend would. I don’t make the calls to Blaine’s family or check his meds or replenish his favorite body wash. I just have to hold my shit together long enough to just provide moral support and I don’t even seem capable of that!
I don’t know what to do. I should go eat, Blaine will probably ask and I’ve done enough lying the past few days as it is, even if it’s by omission.
Blaine was packing his bag and still talking to Rachel eyeing the door ever so often to make sure that their conversation wasn’t interrupted. “I’ve thought about it, but we really need to actually sit down and talk and figure out things. I mean we just jumped right back in headfirst, and while I don’t have any regrets on that I can’t help but worry about him now that I’ve got all this other going on.” He sighed tiredly, “though I do want to be with him for the rest of my life so marriage is the next logical step.”
Rachel smiled in agreement with his statement, “you know he will say yes, I don’t know what you are worried about. Yeah it’s fast, but you two have missed so much time.
“I know he would to, but I think we just need to take everything one step at a time, and that would be day to day right now,” he sat the magazine aside when the door came open and in breezed the surgeon and oncologist to go over a few things, and tell him he was free to leave. Once they left he turned back to Rachel, “what if I married him next week. Did the whole courthouse wedding like you and Finn?”
Rachel nodded, “I think it would be great, but let’s wait at least a month, see if Finn and I can at least be in the same room together without exploding at one another. We’re trying, you know just sometimes, it’s rough.”
Blaine smiled and hugged her, “I know and considering I kinda have to propose first I think it can wait,” he chuckled lightly, “and besides like I said he and I really haven’t talked much about us since we got back together everything’s been about me and now that I’m getting out of here a few days to really just be together and sit down and talk will be good.”
Rachel laughed as she climbed off the bed before she kissed his cheek, “I am going to let you get dressed and I will call Kurt if you like.”
He held up his phone and smiled, “he sent me a picture of the cafeteria to prove he was eating so I told him to come back up, but I might need you to find my shoes. While I find my clothes.” He found his jeans and a t-shirt before he looked back to her and smiled, “if they come with my discharge papers, yell loudly.”
Rachel grinned and teased, “So does this mean I don’t get to watch you change?”.
Blaine laughed and playfully shook his ass, “nope it’s all Kurt’s” and shut the bathroom door.