Bold Italics: Journals
Finn: Hey, man. I haven’t been able to get a hold of Kurt. Is everyone okay?
Blaine: Yeah we’re good. Just spending some quality time together. What’s up?
Finn: Oh, sorry. Nothing. Never mind. As long as he’s okay.
Blaine: Nothing like that. I actually just took some anti nausea meds in prep for tomorrow so I’m
drowsy and we’re watching a movie. He’s fine. Are you okay?
Finn: Yeah, I’m okay. I just actually talked to my mom for a little bit and she was kind of freaking out about Kurt. And freaking out about me and Rachel. And being my mom.
Blaine: He called them. He went to his apartment and got clothes also. I talked to Burt for a few minutes as well.
Finn: Cool. Okay good. My phone just has been cutting out a lot so my timing is off. That’s what happens when you live on a bus I guess. I’m glad you guys are okay, and that he finally left your place for a couple minutes.
Blaine: Yeah I’m glad he got out too. He came back and we actually have sat down and just had some time which is good we needed it. Though I think he might have been crying while he was gone. His eyes were pretty red when he got back.
Finn: Well I’m glad you two talked. It’s crappy he was probably crying though.
Blaine: Stress. That’s all. I’ve shed more than a few tears the last week. We’re okay.
Finn: Good. Okay.
Finn: Is this thing on?
Kurt: Oh ha ha. You’re hilarious. It’s been a little busy…How are you?
Finn: Yeah, I know man. I’m all right. Just checking in y’know?
Kurt: Thanks for that, I do appreciate it. I realize I’ve been a little out of touch lately. I’m glad you’re doing alright though.
Finn: I’m surviving. Halfway done. I finally talked to my mom so that’s probably good.
Kurt: yeah, I finally did today too. Good, like on the level though how are you? Not the bullshit answer, the real one.
Kurt: I think I’m falling apart, Finn.
Finn: What makes you think so?
Kurt: I can’t eat. I barely sleep. And I haven’t called my boss since I missed our meeting last week, after the reunion. It’s just really hard to care about anything but Blaine.
Finn: Was earlier today your first real break?
Kurt: Yeah. it was so hard to leave, but I know I need to deal with my crap, I know I do.
Finn: Knowing it and doing it aren’t the same thing. You’re hiding in Blaine’s apartment and I ran away so … I get it. I don’t know how to help or what to say.
Kurt: This helps. You’re the first person I’ve admitted that too, and it helps.
Finn: Good. I’m glad it helps take the weight off. I know you’re worried about time with Blaine now that you have him back. You just have to decide if that’s more important than, like, your job. You’ve been the lead for a little while so you might be able to make a clean break and then get back on stage once his situation is a little more settled. Eating and sleeping are maybe a little less optional though dude. Me and Blaine both really need you to take care of yourself.
Kurt: I know, I know that’s right. I’m making it a priority, or as much of one as I can. It’s just going to be a real struggle to remember.
Finn: Yeah. Just do what you can, you know? You don’t really need me to ride your ass about it and I won’t. I’m here if you need anything.
Kurt: Thanks, Finn. I’ll touch base again soon, and I’m still here too, for you. We can help prop each other up as we go.
Week two of chemo started today. Last time I really thought I was going to vomit until I died. Hopefully today is better. It was only an hour long infusion, and then I got to come home and be miserable in my bed so that is definitely a plus. Also, I should probably text Rachel because I’m thinking about doing something impulsive...
Blaine: I left a ring on Kurt’s pillow today?
Rachel: You left him a ring?
Blaine: I did. It’s nothing fancy I don’t even really know if we should consider it an engagement ring, but it’s definitely a promise of a future together.
Rachel: Oh my god Blaine, call me with his answer? Even though I know it’s going to be yes.
Blaine: It’s not an...nevermind....I’ll call you tonight.
I had a meeting with the director today, so I missed going to the hospital with Blaine. I know have to pull things together. I can’t just walk away from the show, but I have no idea how I’m going to be able to face going back to work when everything, good and bad, is still so new.
Blaine: I left you something in the bedroom. Meet me in there in a few.
Kurt: I think Blaine just proposed to me.
Rachel: He what??
Kurt: I came home from my meeting at the theater, and he told me he left me something in the bedroom and that he’d meet me in here. Rachel, there’s a ring here!! I’m freaking out!
Rachel: I wish I was there. This is so exciting!!!
Kurt: I wish you were too! It’s like… IDEK!!! I’m all happy and terrified and happy!
Rachel: I’ll call tonight, and promise no huge celebration till I get to jump around with you?
Kurt: Virtual pinky swear. I’ll see you when I get back, and I’ll touch base with you again later! <3
Kurt gingerly picked the ring out of the box and sank down on the edge of the bed. His fingers were shaking, but he slipped it on right away. It fit. Blaine was proposing? After ten days? It felt like a lifetime. A second lifetime. Kurt had never loved another man, and he felt sure he never would. Blaine had always been the one, even when he was the one that got away.
The ring felt heavy with promise on his finger. He held out his hand, staring at the ring and the way it looked on him. Then he ran his fingers over it, turning it round, twisting it as his mind rushed to work around the well of emotions springing up inside him. Blaine was proposing. Kurt whipped out his cell and sent a quick text to Rachel before falling back to staring at the ring on his hand.
Blaine’s head was pounding from all the chemicals that had just been pumped through his body, but other than feeling tired he hadn’t been hit with extreme nausea yet. He wanted a nap, but he knew he needed to do this first. He walked into the bedroom and noticed his boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed in obvious shock. He sat down with him and kissed his cheek and smiled, “I know it’s super fast, and I know you are probably freaking out right now, but I love you Kurt. I love you more than anything else.” He took his hand and ran his finger over the ring before curling up on the bed, “any questions for me?”
He curled up next to Blaine on the bed. Kurt was sure he had questions for Blaine, he had about a million, but he knew Blaine was going to be out of it for a while, if not really sick like before. “Can’t I just say yes now and curl up and nap with you?” He leaned in and kissed Blaine, but he could feel his lip trembling despite any attempt at being calm or rational right now. “I love you, Blaine,” Kurt whispered.
“I love you too,” Blaine whispered as he layed back against the pillows. He smiled a tired smile and nodded lightly as he leaned in and returned the kiss. Kurt was his future. He knew that he had always known that. He wrapped him tightly against his side and closed his eyes.
Kurt tried to close his own eyes. He wasn’t going to nap, there was no way. He couldn’t even close his eyes right now because when he did, his thoughts got so much louder. He carefully curled his hand around Blaine’s wrist; holding gently. There was so much that needed saying and asking, but it would have to wait because if Blaine’s first round of chemo was any indication, he was going to be out of it for a long time.
For now, Kurt would just be here. Everything was clean, and he’d stocked some supplies by the bed that morning before they’d left and now he was just watching Blaine. Blaine wasn’t asleep yet. He was uncomfortable, maybe his head or his stomach. Kurt wasn’t focusing. He kept swinging from thinking about what Blaine must be going through to what he knew he had to do in the morning to what the future might bring. So many what ifs. He could feel his eyes tearing up. There was no way he could cry right now though.
Blaine tried to sleep, but between the intense headache and gnawing pain in his stomach all he could do was lie there. He sighed and relaxed when he felt Kurt wrap his hand around his wrist and hold it gently before opening his eyes and smiling at him. He could feel his body starting to shake with cold even though he felt hot and he knew inevitably he was going to end up throwing up but he just wanted right now to be quiet.
He laid there a few moments longer before the room started spinning and he made a dash for the bathroom before sinking to his knees in front of the toilet. He retched and heaved until his whole body started to shake, and just when he thought it was over more nausea sent him into more heaving pain. Once the moment passed he leaned his head gently against the cool ceramic and sighed, “I’m sorry.”
Kurt hurried to follow Blaine and while he retched over the toilet, Kurt filled a glass with water and wet a washcloth. Then he knelt behind Blaine and stroked his back gently. God it killed him to see Blaine suffer like this, but it was just something that had to be. Maybe that was one of the hardest parts. The same medicine that could save him was the medicine that was doing this to him. It seemed so wrong, in every way. “Shh, Blaine, don’t apologize,” Kurt told him as he gently wiped at Blaine’s forehead with the cool cloth. Kurt wanted to take this from him, he’d happily take his place if it meant he never had to see Blaine in such misery again, but life didn’t work that way.
Blaine nodded before trying to take a sip of the water only to end up shoving his head right back in the toilet until the wave of sickness passed. He didn’t think it was possible to feel more like hell though feeling like hell at home and like hell in the hospital were very different, and here he had Kurt, his bed, and Max. He stood after a few minutes washed his hands and rinsed his mouth out before collapsing in a shivering heap on the bed. He hated not being able to get warm and right now he felt so cold. He looked to Kurt and sighed, “come get under the covers and keep me warm. Please.”
Kurt trailed after Blaine quietly. “Alright,” he agreed softly. Kurt stripped out of his jeans and outer shirt and climbed slowly onto the bed again. This time he pulled the covers over himself and snuggled against Blaine. He was shivering even in the warmth of the bed, so Kurt tried to wrap his arms around Blaine, careful not to move him too much and force him back into the bathroom. One thought intruded in the silence and that was how Blaine could think about marriage while all this was going on. Did he feel a sense of urgency because he felt like he might not have long to live? Kurt bit into his lip and forced himself not to think about that. Maybe he just felt that they’d already spent too long apart. Kurt certainly felt that way. Once upon a time, Kurt had thought he would propose to Blaine. He’d clipped pictures and poured over jewelry stores and then life just got in his way and that idea seemed best put aside. Now, life was more in the way than ever, and Kurt wanted nothing more than to know that he and Blaine were for always.
Kurt watched Blaine sleep for a few hours before getting up. There were still a few unopened letters, but they were probably junk mail. Kurt’s bills were paid, his agent called, his family called, and he’d even booked an appointment with the spa for Thursday morning. He still didn’t care quite as much as he should but he was going through the motions of being responsible. He thought he heard Blaine up after a bit so when Blaine did ask for help, it was nice to get to push away the rest of the stack and put his focus back where he wanted it. In the bathroom he coaxed Max out with a toy and then firmly shut the door to the bedroom so he couldn’t get back in. “Can I keep you company?” He asked Blaine, quietly.
Blaine nodded as he crawled back up on the bed. He still felt like hell, and his stomach was churning though not as violently as it first had. He linked his hands with Kurt’s and sighed, “I never got to explain why I gave you this,” he said running his hand against the ring on Kurt’s finger.
“It needs explaining?” Kurt asked. He wasn’t sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed so he decided to wait on the verdict until he heard what Blaine had to say. Kurt’s eyes trailed down Blaine’s face, down to where his finger was playing along the ring on Kurt’s finger. It still looked as good there as it had that very first moment when he’d slipped it on. Kurt couldn’t quite make himself look back up just in case whatever Blaine said next was something so out of left field it hurt. Like maybe this wasn’t a ring for his ring finger, but maybe a fashionable thumb ring of some sort.
He smiled, “I didn’t necessarily plan to give you this today.” He scooted up against the pillows, “I’ve been struggling for a few days about what I needed to do what I wanted to say, and I don’t want to rush this, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He looked down at the ring again, “I want to actually propose with a diamond eventually, but I wanted you to have this because I want you to wear it and know that you’re mine. I’m not letting you go again.”
Kurt scooted with Blaine just a little so he could rest his head against Blaine’s shoulder. Not really on him, because Kurt knew he was feeling miserable, but close enough he could pretend. He slipped his fingers in between Blaine’s as he spoke and he looked up to watch his profile, his heart lighter suddenly, half formed fears about the why of the ring dissolving as quickly as they’d come. “I put it on, right away,” Kurt admitted. “I don’t want to ever take it off, not even for a diamond.” Kurt felt just a little choked up. He was trying so hard not to cry but one hot tear rolled down his cheek and fell down on Blaine’s shoulder.
“You realize that if I ask the question you want me to ask your dad is going to come find me and kill me right?” he half joked as he leaned in and pressed his dry chapped lips to Kurt’s, “you’re everything to me. I have never loved anyone else.”
“You’re probably right,” he sighed and swallowed, locking down on his emotions. Blaine wanted him, for always. That was enough. That was everything. “It’s a promise then?” Kurt asked. “What are you promising?” he smiled softly at Blaine. Echoes of another promise ring clutched at his heart in the very best of ways.
Blaine smiled, “Forever and always.” Blaine licked his lips painfully. His mouth felt raw, and his body ached but he still looked to Kurt, “if hypothetically you had a boyfriend who had only asked you back in his life ten days ago, then proposed, what would your answer be?” He looked up into his eyes and closed his again as he curled closer to Kurt.”
“Hypothetically?” Kurt raised an eyebrow at Blaine, trying for nonchalance. “If that boyfriend was, for example, the only man I’d ever been in love with? Someone who knew me inside and out? If he’d seen the very best of me and the very worst of me and still wanted me? I’d have to say yes.” Kurt wrapped Blaine closer, nosing at his skin just the tiniest bit. Blaine would probably never realize this, but all day long Kurt had thought he’d done just that. Said yes. Kurt suddenly wanted very much to be able to talked to Rachel, squeal with her a little and maybe cry a little and have her remind him that ten days is no way near enough time to make a commitment like that.
Blaine could feel tears pricking at his eyes as he looked into Kurt’s eyes and sighed, “Then tell me yes and let’s not worry about your dad.” Blaine ran his fingers against the ring, “I want you here with me every step of the way through all of this, and I know it’s only been ten days, but I just can’t see myself without you here with my in my arms, you holding me. I love you so much, and I just want to know that no matter what happens to me you’re taken care of because you are you.”
Kurt eased back so he could look at Blaine. He saw the wetness gathering in his lashes, the sparkle in his eye that was just for Kurt. Kurt’s own tears fell then, unrestrained. “Yes!” he said, a smiling breaking across his face. “It was always yes. Always. I love you too, and this is a new start for us, ten days might as well be ten years because you’ve always been the one.”
Blaine stroked the side of Kurt’s cheek as tears fell down his face and leaned in and kissed him again softly before having their moment broken by bruised cracked lips, “my mouth hurts.”
“I’m sorry baby,” Kurt said, pulling back. He wiped at his eyes. “I have…” he rolled away and fished in the nightstand. “…some beeswax,” he finished and popped the tiny jar open for Blaine to see. “It’s honey flavored. i thought that might be nicer than vaseline.”
“Thanks,” Blaine whispered and took some of the beeswax on his finger and smeared it on his lips, “I love you. I’m still so sorry that you are having to see me like this,” he took in a shaky sigh and breathed it out before whispering, “I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared,” Kurt whispered. “I’m scared too.” Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine’s hair.
Blaine sighed as more tears fell down his face, “we’ll make it work together then.” He sat up and chuckled, “but only under the condition you promise me that you won’t make me drink anymore plain wheatgrass shots. They have to have something mixed in them.”
Kurt stroked his thumb over Blaine’s cheek, wiping at the tears there. “Okay, no more wheat grass shots. I have a whole website of green smoothies to peruse now anyway,” he teased. “Seriously I promise, though. No more plain wheatgrass shots.”
“Good because I love the energy, but I hate the taste.” he whispered.
Kurt nodded somberly. “I love you, Blaine Anderson,” he whispered.
“I love you too Kurt Hummel,” Blaine whispered back.