Blaine sighed as he pulled the beanie down over his head and crawled out of bed. His head ached, and he felt like crap. His stomach was churning, and he needed to eat. That seemed to be normal for him lately though, and he also couldn’t quite shake the feeling of dread that was pooling and festering in his gut. He stumbled into the kitchen and looked around for Cooper. He had been staying with him since he arrived the night Blaine got home from the hospital, but most of his time was on set or his acting class. He noticed the note that Kurt had a spa appointment and realized he was on his own with his thoughts. He poured some soy milk and protein powder into the blender as his thoughts wandered to Kurt. Kurt was the love of his life, the man he wanted to spend forever with, have a family with, and thrive with. He was the one constant that kept his spirits up when he hit these lows, and he was the one that gave him hope. He smiled as Max nudged him with his nose, well he had Max too.
“Hey buddy,” he reached out and pet the dog with a grin and sighed as he watched the swirling liquid in the blender a few more moments before pouring it into a glass. He swallowed against the nausea in attempt to eat something, but before he could even stomach a sip he found himself curled against the toilet in the nearest bathroom heaving and gagging until he thought he would die. He struggled to get up but leaned his head against the bathtub instead. It wasn’t long until he heard the door click shut to the apartment. Maybe it was Cooper, maybe it was the cleaning lady, he didn’t really care until he heard the squeaky dog toy and shoved his back into the toilet as more nausea washed over him and he leaned his head against the cool clean porcelain.
”Blaine,” Cooper called again before knocking on the bathroom door and walking in. “Shit squirt, here,” Cooper said as he ran some water on a washcloth and laid it on the back of Blaine’s neck, “I didn’t think you would wake up so quick, I just ran to get your mail, and mine from downstairs.
“Go away,” Blaine mumbled as he continued to just lay there. He hated being seen like this. He hated feeling weak, but most of all he hated the sympathy. ”Stop looking at me like I’m dying and get out of here,” he groaned as he pulled himself to a more sitting than lying position and sighed.
“Not happening brother,” Cooper said as he reached out a hand to help Blaine off the floor. He wrapped strong arms around him and helped him to bed before going and grabbing the rest of the protein shake and handing it to him with a straw. He then proceeded to sit down on the opposite side of the bed, call Max up to their feet and smile, “so besides the nausea what’s got you down because this is obviously more than your hate of protein shakes. He chuckled slightly before turning serious, “it’s okay to be scared with me too. I know you’ve been holding yourself up with Kurt because you don’t want to lose him again, but I’m here if you need me.” He stood up to leave the bedroom with a sigh.
“Coop,” Blaine whispered as he sat up and looked at his brother with tears in his eyes and fear in his voice, “I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to die, and leave Kurt all alone. I’m the only person he has ever loved, and I can’t leave him. Not now, not after we reconciled our differences and have committed a lifetime.” Blaine sighed, “I just worry that a lifetime might be a whole lot shorter than we think.” He took a sip of the smoothie and sighed thankful that this time his stomach didn’t hate him.
“Blaine,” Cooper turned around and sat back in the center of the bed, “you know I have always wanted you to succeed. That’s why I pushed you so hard when you were younger, Nana too, and now here you are. You’re sick. So what? You’re successful, you have an album coming out in a few months, and you have a love that will never die. I know this whole cancer thing sucks balls beyond reason, but you can’t keep having these pity parties. Live for the moment, not the future.”
Blaine sighed as Cooper’s words sunk in. ”Yeah I suppose you’re right.” Blaine smiled at him, “now are you going to scream and point for emphasis.”
“Asshole,” Cooper whispered as he leaned in and hugged his brother tightly as his own eyes teared up and he quickly wiped them away before flopping back against the pillows and flipping on the TV, “Kurt’s first night back at Son of a Witch is tonight right? You going?”
Blaine smiled, “Yeah I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
Taking the stage as Liir again felt good. Much better than Kurt had expected. It was like coming home and though he’d only been gone a couple of weeks, so much in his life had changed in that time that it felt like months. Knowing Blaine was out there, in the dark of the theater, made the night perfect. Every time Kurt sang, he sang to Blaine, and for the first time since he got the part, he knew exactly where Blaine was. It was no longer just a fantasy about the man he’d let get away. Afterwards Kurt took his bows with the cast and if he teared up just a little bit when they stepped back away, leaving him out front alone, he told himself that was just the lights in his eyes. After all , he’d been Liir for almost six months already. It wasn’t that the part was new, it was having a fiance in the audience that made all the difference. Kurt met Blaine backstage, outside his changing room and he threw his arms around him, kissing him soundly and not caring who might see.
Watching Kurt take the stage as Liir had been amazing. Blaine had seen him perform several other times before that, but this time it was something special; amazing even. His voice was full and rich and Blaine could tell that this was the first time that he actually was performing not only for an audience, but for Blaine as well. Once the curtains dropped Blaine made a quick exit from his seat near the stage door and met Kurt at this dressing room. He returned the kiss and smiled against his lips. “You were absolutely amazing tonight.”
Kurt was breathless as he held on to Blaine in the hallway. A few of his closer friends happened by and whistled or teased but no one really intruded on their moment. Yet. They were apparently having an impromptu celebration of sorts and Kurt knew they would need to make a little appearance and share a toast or two, but then he wanted to get Blaine home and in bed and for more than just one reason. “Are you okay to stay a little longer?” Kurt asked, tugging him into his dressing room. ”It’s alright if you’re not, everyone’s just a little enthusiastic about meeting you. I don’t have a problem begging off for another time.” Kurt began peeling off his costume as he spoke. He waved Blaine onto the little sofa. ”I just have to clean this makeup off and we can go if you like.”
Blaine blushed slightly as the friends wandered by and teased and whistled. It actually in a lot of ways made him feel better about them still being a “hot couple”. He noticed the champagne and heard the popping of wine corks, but followed Kurt into his dressing room and sat on the sofa. “I am perfectly content to stay awhile. I’m tired, but that’s the normal and I can’t drink which is another normal, but I’ll survive.” He watched as Kurt cleaned his face off and stood up and wrapped an arm around his waist and laid his chin on his shoulder, “that is unless you want to go home now, but going home just means fighting Cooper for the remote.”
Kurt leaned into Blaine’s touch. ”I wouldn’t mind getting the chance to show you off just a little,” Kurt admitted. ”If you’re okay. We can park ourselves in a cushy spot and make them all come to us.” Kurt said. ”And then when they start getting rowdy we can sneak out and go kick Cooper off the couch. Or just go to bed, whichever.” He grinned at Blaine, just a hint of a leer in his eyes. He pulled on his shoes and linked his hand with Blaine’s. ”Let’s go,” Kurt said. Then he leaned in for one more kiss on Blaine’s cheek. He wasn’t hiding from his fears tonight. He wasn’t even distracted particularly, but he felt more even, or balanced, than he had in days. It was okay to enjoy his time here with Blaine and that didn’t have to mean he’d forgotten everything Blaine was going through. Kurt led him out and down the hall toward the sounds of laughing and talking. When they walked in, glasses were pressed into their hands as the cast swallowed them up.
“I like the sound of going to bed early,” Blaine whispered as he looked back at him and sighed. God he loved this man. Everything about him was just so sexy and loving, and Blaine couldn’t get enough. He watched him for a moment as he pulled on his shoes before leaning in to kiss his cheek. Blaine turned back to him and pressed an even firmer kiss to his lips and smiled, “a nice cushy spot with the love of my life. I think I can handle that.” He linked his hand with Kurt’s and smiled as he tugged him towards the cast party in the other room. Blaine smiled as Erin, handed them both glasses and whispered, “it’s just cider. I bought it to look like champagne.” She tinked her glass with both of theirs and leaned over to Kurt, whispered,”you are awesome,” before shuttling them to a couch in the far corner.
Kurt was happy to be led along with Erin. She shooed a couple of people off one of the little love seats so Blaine and Kurt could sit and Kurt grabbed her hand before she could slip away and squeezed. ”Thanks,” he said. She just grinned at him and then she was gone, back into the mix. Other friends of his made their way over, shaking Blaine’s hand and promising to tell all manner of horror stories about Kurt and his early performances and his diva days. Mostly exaggerated for effect, he promised Blaine. James, the director came by and was very sincere when he spoke to Blaine. It made Kurt feel warm all over, because only a week ago he’d been about to throw everything away, and James had given him the chance to come make it right. Kurt pointed out others as they sat sipping their cider. He was tucked against Blaine, warm and happy. ”I love you,” he whispered in Blaine’s ear.
Blaine sighed contently and leaned against Kurt tiredly. He sipped his champagne and nuzzled against his fiance and smiled before kissing him softly. It didn’t matter any longer that there were people around. Blaine just wanted Kurt to know how much he cared, and how nice it was to just get out and meet his friends and cast mates. “I love you too,” he whispered back as slight shivers when down his spine at the heat of Kurt’s breath against his ear, and that’s when he noticed the guy standing across the room watching them. He thought he’d felt eyes most of the night, but lately with the weight loss and hair loss and tired appearance it wasn’t often that Blaine didn’t feel like he was being stared at in some way. He turned to look at Kurt and whispered, “who is that? He keeps looking at us.”
Kurt hadn’t noticed Nicki yet. He’d known he’d be there, of course. Nicki didn’t ever miss anything to do with free booze. Not that he was old enough to drink, Kurt thought he was still just shy of turning twenty, but Nicki did happened to know he could get away with it in this crowd. Kurt had sort of hoped he might be tactful enough to leave them be and thus had put him out of his mind as he sat chatting with Blaine and loving the way it felt to just be with him outside the apartment for a change. That didn’t last long though, because there was Nicki, not so subtly eyeing them from across the room.
He was a good guy, really. Kurt knew he’d sort of sprung Blaine and the engagement on everyone and Nicki was just trying to look at for him. Maybe he was even a little disappointed that he and Kurt wouldn’t ever fall into bed together again, but Kurt wasn’t convinced that was it. He’d been pretty aloof for the most part. Not really a friend, not really a lover either. So his reaction earlier in the week had taken Kurt by surprise. “That’s Nicki,” Kurt began quietly. He smiled at the guy before turning toward Blaine. “We had an occasional thing,” Kurt said very quietly. “I told him all about you in rehearsals earlier this week.”
Blaine listened to Kurt speak about the younger man and sighed. He wrapped an arm possessively around Kurt and sipped his cider again before looking towards Nicki and giving him a ‘he’s mine’ look. The whole idea of that kid being with Kurt made Blaine’s skin crawl. He was pretty sure it was really more jealousy than anything else. He leaned into Kurt and kissed him on the cheek, “I actually kinda want to get out of here now if that’s good with you.” He really didn’t like the way Nicki was looking at him and eyeing them, and it was making him clearly uncomfortable. “I just don’t like the way he’s looking at us,” he whispered before leaning in to kiss him again.
“Yeah, let’s go.” Kurt agreed. He wrapped his hand around the back of Blaine’s neck and held him a little longer, for emphasis, in case any was needed. He didn’t want to cause any trouble for Blaine especially with someone who’d only given Kurt the time of day when he’d wanted an easy screw. Kurt didn’t have any hard feelings about it, it just never mattered. He could have some hard feelings easily enough if Nicki was going to make an issue out of it, though. He shot Nicki one hard look and then he was off the couch, tugging Blaine along close and wrapping his arm around him. Once they were outside Kurt crowded Blaine against the wall and kissed him, hard, trying his best to erase the one mar on their perfect evening.
Kurt: Just wanted you to know the wedding won’t be next week. We’re going to shoot for two months and we’ll let you know when we have a date.
Rachel: More time to plan!
Kurt: Yes, that’s true. I was thinking that waiting would be better, but then, with Blaine, and everything the way it is. I think I’m scared to wait. How are you doing though? You’ve been awfully quiet. Finn said things are going pretty good so I was taking that as a sign that you were enjoying yourself.
Rachel: Hey, don’t talk like that. He’ll be okay and you’ll get through this and you will have a lifetime together. It has been wonderful. Umm though I got some news since everything has been going on with us, and I probably won’t be able to have kids.
Kurt: I hope so, I’m trying so hard not to think that way. Blaine is so incredibly strong. I’m sorry about your news though. I can’t even say how sorry I am over text. I’m glad the two of you are talking though, and supporting each other. Blaine and I are trying to do the same, just being honest even when it’s hard.
Rachel: I feel like a failure.
Kurt: I’m sure Finn doesn’t think that way about you. No one could, Rach. You had something terrible happen to you, something completely out of your control and you’ve suffered so much for it in so many ways. You aren’t a failure, if anything, you’re brave and you’re a fighter because you’re facing this head on and Rach, I really am proud of you for doing it. I know it’s hard, I can’t even pretend to understand how hard.
Rachel: Thanks, Kurt. I just feel so broken. I don’t think I can explain it.
Kurt: You don’t have to explain, I know. I just love you. I wish I could help you, and I know I can’t, and that’s hard. I’m used to being able to just jump in with you, and this time I can’t. But you can talk to me, I’m still here. Even if I can’t fully know what you’re going through.
Rachel: I know I just...yeah.
“How was your day babe,” Blaine asked as he heard the door close. The previous evening had been tiring. He had spent the majority of the day talking to Rachel while Kurt was at rehearsal, and Kurt looked like he was about to break when he walked in the door.
“Need a shower,” Kurt mumbled and turned his phone off. Then he looked down at it, felt like an ass, and turned it back on. He left it on the bathroom counter and stripped out of his clothes. The show had gone great, the ride back was quiet, but it was the texts from Rachel that sent him spiralling. He turned on the hot water and watched the tub fill and once he slid in, that’s when he let it out. Here, where Rachel would never have to know, where no one had to see him, he let himself feel the grief he had welling up in him. He cried, his sobs drowned out by the running water. When Rachel lost the baby, a part of him had been lost too. He couldn’t tell her how much he cried for her and Finn and that baby that would never be. She wouldn’t see it the way he did and he didn’t want to encroach on her pain or add to her suffering in any way. He didn’t know what it was like for them, but he knew what it was like for him.
After Blaine left, Kurt gave up any small notion he ever had about children of his own. He knew his one chance was gone. He was never going to trust another person the way he’d trusted Blaine, so he let himself imagine what it would be like to be an uncle instead. Finn and Rachel’s child would come into a wonderfully eclectic family who would cherish him or her. Kurt would love that child as much as any of his own. He’d imagined it until it became a part of him. An inevitability. Some day, when they were ready. Then there would be a child for Kurt to love, to spoil, to dress up, and to teach. They would sing and read and play pretend and no child would be more wanted than their child. Now, Rachel had shared that it might be that she would never have a child. She felt like a failure, and that killed Kurt. He couldn’t do anything to help her though. He couldn’t remind her that there were other options, he couldn’t tell her how invested he’d been. All he could do was sob in his bath alone, and support Finn and Rachel as best he could, whatever the future held for them. If they could just be happy again, then Kurt could be too, but while they suffered, Kurt’s own pain stayed a little raw spot inside him. Eventually he forgot himself and the tub was full so he had to turn the water off. The tears kept coming though. It was self indulgent and weak, and Kurt wondered if he would be forever crying for things that weren’t happening to him, only to the people he loved.
Blaine had been straightening up and resting most of the day since he just felt worn down and totally sick. The show had been great the previous evening, and he had sent Kurt off to do two more shows Saturday, and he had just gotten back and spent some time looking at his phone and then gone into the bathroom. The water ran for a long time, and Blaine debated going to check on him, but gave him some time until the water shut off and Kurt didn’t appear right away. He got up and walked over to the door knocked lightly and walked in without a care for waiting for a response. He noticed Kurt sitting in the bathtub sobbing his eyes out, and the first thing he thought was that something had happened at work or that it was finally all his fears for them. “Kurt, babe,” he asked softly as he slid down next to him on the floor, “talk to me. Please. What’s going on?”
Kurt didn’t hesitate. Maybe it was just that they’d done this so often lately, or that Kurt was so tired from everything piling up inside, but he didn’t think twice about Blaine seeing him like this. He sought Blaine out, wet arms reaching for the comfort he knew he’d find. “I heard from Rachel today,” he sniffled softly, trying to catch his breath. “She said… she said she might not be able to have children. And she… she feels like a failure.” Kurt told him. “There’s nothing I can do, we can’t even really talk about it because it’s not fair to her,” he had to swallow again and breathe but he didn’t let go of Blaine.
Blaine swallowed hard against the knot in his stomach and tilted Kurt’s head to meet his eyes, “I know she and I talked a long time about it all before she left. I can sort of understand where she is coming from considering everything that is going on with me.” He traced soft circles along Kurt’s arm and sighed, “you knew about the baby before she lost it didn’t you?”
He nodded just once. “I wasn’t supposed to,” Kurt felt more tears slide down his cheeks. He was so much calmer with Blaine here, but he was still incredibly sad. “Finn knows now, there’s no more secrets.”
Blaine blew out a long breath and sighed, “is this upset rooted in a need you had? I mean what can’t you tell her?” Blaine could feel himself starting to worry about where this conversation might go, “do you want kids?”
“I…” Kurt’s mouth clamped down over his confession and he looked at Blaine, considering. How could he explain it? “I only ever thought about it when we were happy, years ago. We were too young for it to be realistic, it was like a happy dream,” Kurt licked at his lips, his eyes falling to wear he was holding Blaine’s shirt in his fingers. “After, I just assumed that dream was gone. But I was sure Rachel and Finn would have a child someday.” Kurt had to take another breath. “I wouldn’t be a dad, but I’d be an uncle. The best uncle any child ever had.” The words twisted up in his throat so he couldn’t say anything else. He hoped Blaine understood what he meant without it sounding as terrible as he thought it sounded when he said it that way. That he was selfish, these tears were only for him and what he’d lost. They weren’t. Not by a long shot. That was only part of it.
Blaine looked at him and sighed, “you will be an uncle, and if I get my way, a dad,” he whispered softly as he leaned in to kiss Kurt, “but we can’t dwell on the hurt here. We just have to help them figure things out. I told Rachel there are tons of options. We just need to give everything time.”
Kurt drew in a quick breath. A dad. “A dad,” he whispered. He nodded at Blaine about Rachel and her options, he agreed. They could adopt a baby from the Ukraine for all Kurt cared, he’d love that child as much as any other they had. But that’s not where his mind stuck. It stuck on the bright image of Blaine, a little older, maybe, singing softly to their own baby. Theirs.
“Yeah a dad,” Blaine whispered back, “I sorta gave up on having my own kids a long time ago when we split, and I might not be able to now because of all the chemo, but I’ve been leaving sperm at the sperm bank in hopes that maybe one day we could have a family. I want a family with you and no one else but you,” Blaine whispered softly before kissing him, “and I hope that doesn’t totally freak you out.”
“I’m not freaked out,” Kurt said, softly. He wasn’t, and it surprised him, a little. It was so fast, everything was set at the fastest speeds for them lately, but he was glad they were talking about this. It’s not as if they were saying they wanted that now, they were saying they wanted it, some day. “I want that too. With you.”
“Okay,” Blaine said as he stood up and grabbed a towel for Kurt and motioned to him, “come on you should get out of there.” He reached out his hand to help Kurt up and sighed, “I’ve gotta be honest. Today I feel like crap.”
Kurt pulled the stopper out of the tub and stepped into the towel Blaine was holding. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “What do you need?”
“My old energy level back,” Blaine chuckled, “I’m just so tired all the time.”
Kurt wrapped himself against Blaine. “I know,” he sighed. “Nap?”
Blaine looked at him and smirked, “I’d much rather have sex than sleep.” He tilted Kurt’s head to meet his and smiled, “or bug Cooper like usual.”
“You won’t get any arguments from me,” Kurt smiled back at him. No one could ever say Blaine didn’t know how to ease a troubled mind. God he really was the sexiest man Kurt had ever known.
Blaine smiled and ran his hand down Kurt’s bare back and chest, “maybe a nap, sex, and nap again,” he teased before tugging him towards the bedroom.