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Blaine had had a rough few weeks, and now it seemed that things were really looking up. He had had his usual Monday treatment, and was feeling tired and sick as usual but this week was the final one for at least two weeks while his body had a chance to rest and recover. He sighed as he dragged himself up to a sitting position on the couch when his phone chirped. He had decided to attempt being social once the worst of the after effects had faded and had been dozing in and out for awhile. Finn was sitting there playing video games, and his phone had buzzed a few times as well so he figured it might be Rachel trying to see where he was. He smiled when he read the text over a few more times and kicked Finn’s arm, “Check your phone,” he mumbled before standing stiffly to go wash his face and crawl back in bed. Once he was comfortable he pulled his phone back out yawned, then called Rachel and waited for her to answer.

Finn wasn’t sure he completely liked helping Blaine with all this, but he definitely wasn’t gonna say that out loud because he would sound like a douchebag. The biggest problem was he felt totally helpless; he watched his friend basically have poison put into his body and then just sort of fade. It happened fast and there was just nothing he could do about it. He wasn’t so good lately in situations where he just had no control of anything but he sure seemed to keep ending up in them. Blaine had dozed off again and, try as he might, Finn just couldn’t. He was too keyed up after Rachel’s text about her award. There was nothing, save grand theft auto, he could channel that energy into. The apartment was clean, he had the feeling that food would just sort of make Blaine feel worse if he smelled it. So he played and waited for something…not that he knew what. His mom had been texting the majority of the day, wanting a solid phone call now that Finn wasn’t on the road any more and he’d been mostly ignoring it because…well, just because. He didn’t want to relive the last few days of the tour on the phone to her and she had this way of making him be just completely honest that was a pain in the ass. He sighed when Blaine woke, told him to check his phone, then went into the other room; maybe he’d at least order them dinner or something before he left.

Blaine sighed as he clicked the phone shut with Rachel and wandered back out into the living room to pass the message to Finn about heading home. The worst of the sick was over, and Blaine figured he could handle a little time alone if Finn wanted to get home. He pulled out his phone and sent Kurt a few texts to find out how close he was to getting back, ran a hand over Max’s head and headed into the kitchen. He washed his hands and cracked a can of ginger ale and box of saltines before taking them into the living room and slumping back down on the couch. “You can leave if you need to. Rachel and I were just talking about her award, and she wants to celebrate tonight.” He laid his head over on the couch and sighed as he looked to the taller man and sighed, “and if this is too much for you I understand. It won’t hurt my feelings in the least if you decide to tuck tail and run the hell out of here.” He laughed slightly and smiled, “She’s so excited I think I heard the screaming from here when she opened the letter.”

Finn looked at Blaine and just shook his head. “Nah, I’m not gonna ditch out on you or anything,” he said quietly. “But yeah, she’s excited. This is…probably just what she needs.” Max settled at his feet and he sighed. He hadn’t really had any allergy problems while he was here, but he was sure it was because Kurt kept their apartment so freaking clean he could’ve probably eaten off the floor. He had to curb the urge to pet the cuddly little monster, though, because he didn’t really want to piss off whoever was in charge of his, like, breathing. He scrubbed a hand over his own head instead of the dog’s and eyed Blaine evenly. He needed to keep the subject off himself and he’d be just fine. “No offense dude, but you look like shit. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do? Or is this just the normal?”

“Is it normal for me to look, act and feel like the walking dead? Yes it is. The first time I had an outpatient chemo I slept on the bathroom floor for four hours because the clean tile felt good against my burning skin. Kurt thought I was insane to say the least, and believe me I felt it so needless to say today is actually a good day. It really all depends on how fast it takes my body to react and start puking as to how bad I’ll feel the rest of the day.” He sighed and ran his hand across Max’s head and motioned for him to join him on the chair, “I have to admit though this guy is the best therapy ever. I can tell him all kinds of shit and he never tells a soul.” He slipped a dog treat from his pocket and gave it to the dog before spraying his hands with hand sanitizer and rubbing them together, “sorry you have to see me looking like this. I wish the circumstances were better. How’s the game?”

He just listened to Blaine, taking his illness in stride. It wasn’t like there was much else for the guy to do exactly but still; Finn respected him for toughing it out. “I’m glad today’s going better,” he offered weakly. He still just had no idea what to say. He breathed a little easier when Max moved. He could relate to Blaine’s statement that Max was a good listener. He’d always wanted a dog, but had obviously given up that goal at some point. He wouldn’t get to have a dog. His kids would never have a dog because of him. Didn’t matter. He wasn’t gonna have kids. He sucked in a sharp breath, hating how it just, like, snuck into stuff. He just wanted to not think about it and he tried his damndest to control the breath as he let it out. Let it go. Whatever. “It’s okay. You weren’t really around when I had mono but I totally guarantee I was worse. And whinier.” He pursed his lips, still hoping he could shake off the stabbed feeling and his eyes darted to the television. “Oh… um, it’s good. Thanks. I feel stupid just sitting here playing games. I’m supposed to be taking care of you, not…” he grinned a little as the trash talk left his mouth with barely a thought. “… not resetting your high score to such an epic level you’ll never reach it.”

“I had mono freshman year at Dalton. I can guarantee this is worse than that, but it prepared me.” He looked at Finn and watched as his eyes darted to the TV and back to him and dog. It wasn’t lost on Blaine that he needed to talk about something and way trying to hide it, but he decided to give him the time to bring it up. “Don’t worry about taking care of me Finn,” Blaine shivered slightly with a chill and closed his eyes, “I just like having someone here because talking gives me incentive to feel better.” Blaine sighed and opened his eyes before standing back up and going into the kitchen, “I’m going to attempt and choke down a smoothie. Do you want anything?”

Finn narrowed his eyes a minute and it took him a second to work out what Blaine meant. “No, sorry. I didn’t mean mono was worse than this stuff. I meant I handled it like a baby.” Well… that was an awkward choice of words. He talked a little quicker to kind of cover it up. “Umm… are you offering me one of those green things Kurt makes you? ‘Cause I’m totally gonna pass, but thanks. I’ll just hang out ‘til Kurt gets home. I’m sure Rachel will have some sort of dinner or food…I mean, she knows her audience so yeah.” He followed his friend into the kitchen. “So when do you have to do this all over again?”

“Yah I act like a baby with this stuff so I feel you,” Blaine laughed a little and smiled, “I knew what you meant. I didn’t mean for you to think I was correcting you.” He popped the freezer open and smiled a little as he pulled out the vanilla ice cream with a sticky note stuck to it, ‘I snuck this in when you and Kurt were sleeping. I thought you might want some after treatment. See you tonight. C.’ “Actually I was going to offer you a sandwich or something, but I can’t eat all of this on my own.” He shut the door to the freezer and showed Finn the carton along with the note from Cooper, “There’s chocolate syrup and oreos in the cabinet above the stove if you want any of those.”

Finn sat down at the bar stool and smiled when Blaine offered him ice cream, but he shook his head all the same. “Nah, man. I can’t. It might sound dumb but I can’t handle too much stuff like any more. Regular ice cream sort of makes me sick, honestly. It’s like it’s too thick or something.” He blew out a sigh. “I’m, like, half vegan.” He frowned. “I don’t know if it’s good I know it or not, but that chocolate syrup probably isn’t vegan either. I can tell just by looking at the bottle. You can always stash it in our freezer if you need to, though.”

“Vegan ice cream is good, but you’re right it’s not as thick and I can understand how it would make you sick,” Blaine sighed and shoved his spoon in the container and took a bite. The cool creamy dessert soothed the burning in his throat as he swallowed and took another bite. Blaine noticed as Finn frowned as he said he was half vegan, and truthfully the man in front of him looked about as mentally miserable as he felt physically. He took one more bite and sat on the barstool next to Finn, “so spill what’s really bothering you. You just look depressed.”

He had to fight not to grin a little when Blaine started eating because Blaine was making sex noises. Well… like… okay. He didn’t know what Blaine’s sex noises sounded like but… just whatever, he wasn’t thinking about it. Blaine looked so uncomfortable, sort of in general, he was glad something made Blaine feel even a little better. He just still really didn’t wanna talk about him, so he thought it was maybe better to make a joke or something. His eyes moved over to the container and he cleared his throat a little. “I don’t… I…” he shook his head and narrowed his eyes a little. “Is that the real reason you offered me ice cream? So we could have some girl talk?”

“I actually offered you ice cream because I don’t really have anything else worthy of junk food, and girl talk is over rated. You just look down I thought I’d ask, but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Blaine took a last bite of the ice cream and slid it back into the freezer, “I hope Cooper doesn’t want any of that as well because I might end up eating it all. It’s really the only thing that really helps my throat stop burning, but I’ll feel really sick if I eat it all at once.” Blaine slid onto a barstool next to Finn and sighed, “so you changed the high score on Grand Theft Auto. You realize that I play Call of Duty and Cooper is the one that’s going to wonder what happened to his high score.”

Finn sat back in his chair and sighed. “Yeah. Well your nap was longer than you think. I played Call of Duty first. Seriously, I’ve been completely useless this afternoon.” He rubbed his fingers over his forehead a little. “I just…I’ve had this feeling before. Talking about it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna feel like crap tomorrow. And probably the next day and next week and next month and just…” he trailed off before he shrugged and then looked over at Blaine. “I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do about a problem or whatever. I hate the feeling that everything in my life is out of control.” He swallowed hard. “You only knew me once when it happened before, but it happened more than one time. And I make really, really bad choices. Like…I lucked out last time because Rachel saved me. I’m just trying not to be an idiot I guess. That’s all.”

Blaine laughed, “I hate that, and hopefully I didn’t snore. You haven’t been useless.” He watched as Finn scrubbed his hands over his forehead and listened to him talk. He knew talking about it wasn’t going to change the lack of control, or make the feeling go away but sometimes just letting others in helped more than it seemed. Blaine placed his hand over Finn’s and smiled, “I’m not pretending that everything with everything is going to get better overnight, and as for us having any kind of control on what’s going on in our lives right now well as you can tell it sucks cause we’re barely staying above water, but as far as the lack of control in the situation that we’re not talking about it should all balance out eventually, and Finn this may sound shitty but the both of you might just need to grieve over the loss of everything.”

“You snored so much. If you had more hair I would’ve thought you were a bear. Or, like, a hockey player during the Cup.” He shook his head and let in a deep breath. ”It does suck. I just want stuff to kind of stop happening for a while so I can catch up, that’s all.” He licked his lips and swallowed. ”It seems stupid it would make me sad or it would be something I needed to grieve. I was already letting go of it altogether and… and Rachel just needs someone to be there for her. And she’s so sad then it makes me sad and it’s just this really big circle.” He rolled his eyes. “It’ll just take time. Everything goes away if you give it enough time. I know that.”

“I’m a hairless bear,” Blaine laughed, “sorry you could have kicked me.” Blaine looked at his friend and sighed, “I think what you both need is just to get away and forget or lean on your friends to help you out. Yeah we have our own shit, and it sucks balls, but we’re here.” He reached down and stroked Max’s head again before standing up to the sound of the keys in the door. ”Just think about it,” Blaine said as he went to meet Kurt and lay back down on the couch.

Finn heard Kurt’s keys in the door and that was basically his cue. He had told Rachel he’d head home to hang out and celebrate her award, and he said he’d leave as soon as Kurt was home. He stood up and looked around the apartment to make sure there wasn’t a mess anywhere or anything he would be leaving behind either. He patted himself down for his keys and phone and wallet. “I’m not gonna kick you. At least not for that.” He shook his head. ”It’ll probably sound dumb considering I was supposed to help you today, but thanks. I’ll think about what you said and maybe take you up on it eventually. It’s not like it’s gonna change any time soon, so…” He held a hand up toward Kurt in a wave. ”I ordered you guys dinner from that vegan chinese place me and Rachel have dragged you to a couple times. It should be here in like 45 or so.” He turned back to face Blaine. ”Feel better, okay?”

Blaine smiled and nodded a thanks and smiled as Finn left. ”You too. Okay.”

**

Kurt ran his finger down Blaine’s arm, absently as he rolled to his side. “I missed you today,” he said. He’d been trying to catch up on life in general since last week and he’d hated not being with Blaine during his treatment. Knowing Finn was there had helped a lot though and Kurt had his meeting with his agent. He’d also made an appointment with a personal trainer since his first weekend back at work had officially kicked his ass.

Blaine smiled as Kurt rubbed his finger against the skin of his arm. He felt a million times better just having Kurt with him. “I missed you too Finn was a great help, but he’s not the same.”

“At least you have some down time before the next round, that’ll be good.” Kurt threaded their fingers together and he snuggled closer.

“Yeah, I’m glad” he whispered and rubbed a hand against Kurt’s arm, “my throat hurts tonight. I’m supposed to go shopping with Rachel tomorrow.”

“Do you need some hot tea or something?” Kurt offered. He snuggled in close to Blaine, nuzzling against his upper arm gently. “Shopping?” he asked it almost as an afterthought.

“No I have lidocaine mouthwash,” he smiled, “so unless you want numb tongue wait awhile to kiss me.” He turned slightly, “mhmm she’s getting an award and needs a dress.”

“Wait, how do I not know this?” Kurt sat up enough to rest his head on his hand and he looked down at Blaine. I wasn’t totally unreachable today.” He pouted just a tiny bit to be silly. “That’s amazing news.” he grinned.

Blaine laughed “she told me then I fell asleep. I’m useless on Mondays.”

“Not totally useless,” Kurt snuggled back down. “This is pretty nice actually.”

“Mmm,” Blaine hummed and curled closer to Kurt, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kurt ran his hand over Blaine, down his side, down his leg, and back up. This was more than nice. It was still and quiet and Kurt needed this. Just being. With Blaine. Even though he was mentally worn and Blaine wasn’t feeling so hot, it felt good to be close and calm.

Blaine sighed as Kurt ran his hand along his side. He needed this time to just be still. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Kurt’s before kissing him softly on the lips. “Couldn’t resist. Hope your mouth doesn’t go numb.”

Kurt chuckled softly. “Totally worth it,” he said. “Mmm, you smell good.” Kurt nosed along Blaine’s cheek, breathing in the scent of him, clean and warm and so very close.

“You do too,” he smiled, “fresh and minty actually.” Blaine leaned in and kissed him again. “What are your plans for tomorrow? I’m supposed to shop with Rachel during the day and then go to her show, so I figured I could send you somewhere to pamper you before your show?”

“You’re not going to believe me when I tell you this,” he smiled a little crookedly. “I’m going to meet with a trainer.” Kurt closed his eyes but laughed softly.

“Like a personal trainer?” Blaine asked eyeing him. “I need one of those. You should bring that person here. We can do yoga.” He laughed lightly. “Actually joking aside really, why?”

Kurt nodded as Blaine spoke. “Mostly because this weekend back to work kicked my ass and I’m trying to do the whole taking care of myself thing. I know I wasn’t gone long but I think I just need a boost. Though doing yoga together might be a lot more fun.”

“We should go three times a week to the health spa together then,” Blaine smiled. “I need to start building my strength up for the next round of treatment, and now that my body is more used to the evils, I should still be able to go while I’m doing the next round.”

“I think that’s a perfect idea,” Kurt leaned forward and kissed Blaine whisper soft, still trying to avoid the lidocaine.

Blaine closed his eyes and sighed as Kurt brushed his lips with his gently. “I think I scared Finn.”

Kurt kept his face passive as he asked, “How?”

“Just with how sick I get. I don’t think he was really prepared for that.” Blaine sighed and closed his eyes.

“Ah.” Kurt understood. The first round of chemo had frightened Kurt too. Even now it was hard seeing Blaine so worn and sick feeling.

“Two weeks off though. I wish we could take a long weekend to the Hamptons, but I would settle for a few nights in a hotel. Just away together; a change of pace.”

“That could be fun. Some place with a giant bathtub for two and room service, preferably with a swanky restaurant and lounge where we can dance and forget the outside world even exists.” Kurt sighed dreamily. He’d be happy to take a blanket and a picnic to the park and lay under a tree with Blaine, anything would be nice.

“Yeah that sounds amazing,” Blaine whispered and closed his eyes, “and maybe we could even go to the park before it gets too cold out. I need some sun on my bald head,” he chuckled and kissed him again.

“I’d love that. Oh! I need to call Dad. I haven’t heard from him since we last talked. I guess I need to ask him when they’re going to be in town.” Kurt’s eyes were closed and his voice was low. He was peaceful feeling, imagining things he wanted to do with Blaine if he felt up to it. A proper date might be fun. He put that at the top of his to do list.

“You should call him now before you forget. I should sleep,” Blaine whispered as his eyes closed and his voice trailed off. He was content and loved.

Kurt leaned in and pressed a kiss to Blaine’s cheek. he waited a little while longer to be certain he was really asleep and then he slipped out of bed and out to the living room.

**


Kurt: Dad, hi!

Burt: Kurt, hi. I got your message the other day, and I’m relieved to say the least. How’s Blaine?

Kurt: Oh, yes, uh, Blaine’s doing pretty good. Today was his last chemo session for two weeks, so we’re pretty happy about that. How are you guys? Are we still on for this week?

Burt: We’re good. Carole’s been packing things up as usual, and yes we are still on for this week. What days are good for you? I was thinking Friday night for a late dinner and you have two shows Saturday right?

Kurt: Friday night could work, and yes, two shows Saturday. Sunday is just a matinee though.

Burt: Okay, sounds good. I’m sure Carole will want to see Finn and Rachel and go to Rachel’s show as well.

Kurt: Definitely! So we’ll see you Friday night then. It’ll be nice to go out together.

Burt: It really will. Will Blaine be up to it?

Kurt: I think so, he’ll have all week to build his strength, and you know if not, we can always stay in.

Burt: Okay I just know what it’s like to feel like crap so I don’t want him to overdo it for our sakes.

Kurt: He’ll tell us if he doesn’t feel like going out, you don’t have to worry about that.

Burt: Okay good. Tell him we love him. So I meant to ask you this, but are you living with him full time?

Kurt: Oh, well, I mean I guess so. I still have my place though. It just sort of happened when I wasn’t paying attention.

Burt: *laughs* maybe you guys should talk about that.

Kurt: Maybe so. *short laugh*

Burt: How’re you doing? I mean really feeling.

Kurt: Stressed. Tired. Happy. Scared. It’s always up and down, but it’s better. I feel better than I did last week.

Burt: That’s good. You know I’m here and so is Carole if you just need to talk

Kurt: Yeah, and I appreciate that. I think talking is a little easier now too.

Burt: You sound better, if that means anything.

Kurt: Thanks. It turns out all those things I’m always pushing on everyone else like eating right and sleeping are good for me too.

Burt: Who woulda known?

Kurt: *laughs* Right? I love you, Dad. It’s going to be great getting to see you and Carole.

Burt: *smiles* We’ll see you Friday. I love you.

Kurt: See you then! Bye!

Burt: Bye