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Rebuilding Dreams

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Blaine

Some may ask where I should begin the story of my life. We’ll start with college because dreams are fresh and futures are bright.

I got the opportunity of a lifetime, and ran with it. I managed to graduate from high school and then was accepted to the program of my dreams. Not many get in, and fewer get accepted to Juilliard on full ride. I didn’t have a choice. I had to go so when Kurt got his letter to NYADA plans were made. We moved to NY one month after graduation. Rachel and Finn were already there setting up their home, and after a few weeks on their fold out couch we moved in to our small 2 bedroom apartment in the heart of east village.

The first year was heaven. Our relationship was full of young love and romance that was punctuated by cheap pizza, study groups, work, and city dreams. All that changed though when Kurt landed his first gig in the chorus of an off broadway production. The show kept him out late. I would often leave dinner on low in the oven with an I love you sticky note only to find it still sitting there the next morning when we would fight over the best way to store the cereal in our pantry or who should cook the following nights meal.

I got burned out, I had no idea that following your dreams was such hard work, and the fantasy of happy Kurt and Blaine slowly began unraveling faster than we could pick up the pieces, and that’s how it ended. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks due to long hours, nights out with friends, even more fighting, and I wanted us to slow down. I had made dinner, set out candles, and he breezed in and said he had study group. I worked hard, trying to give him one night to slow down, and he was avoiding me. I knew it was Kenneth the hot new show choir guy, and something inside me snapped. I accused him of cheating told him I could practically smell another man on his clothes, and he looked up and didn’t deny it. I walked out then, gave him two days to pack and get out.

After the breakup I thought I would die. I put everything into finishing school getting my grades up and bettering my education. It wasn’t long after this that I got offered an internship as a jingle writer for an advertising firm and met Nate and Jessica. They were inseparable as friends, and welcomed me in. I graduated shortly after, was offered a full time job and hired Jessica to be my personal assistant all while dating Nate. He was amazing, but even after a few months and the changing dynamics he was still no Kurt.

Two years passed quickly, and during that time Kurt never left my mind. I would walk by places where we would have coffee, and talk and the realization that he was gone was always way too fresh, so when the invitation to our class reunion showed up on my doorstep I thought about not going. Part of me didn’t want him to see me. The other part wanted to go and renew our love, however, little did I know that news I would receive would change my world forever...

Kurt

Sometimes it’s easy to skip ahead a bit, so I’ll be starting in college if that’s alright with you. Most of you probably already know the story up to that point anyway, I suspect. All the important highlights anyway.

I got into my dream college. Rachel and I both did. She went to New York with her husband and I arrived just a month later, that same summer, with Blaine. He was studying music comp at Julliard and the two of us were happier than ever before.

We had this little apartment, a little two bedroom, small but perfect in so many ways. Anyhow, everything seemed to come together. At first.

I got a job at Bergdorf Goodman, in the ladies department and the manager agreed to work around my school schedule. We refused further help from Dad and Carole as they were already helping with mine and Finn’s educations. So money was tight, but not impossible to deal with.

In fact for about a year I thought I could see our lives stretched out in front of us in shining glorious technicolor hues. When I first started getting the odd chorus part here and there, things started getting strained. Not too bad, mind you, but we stopped having much time to spend together.

Then life just happened, the way it does. By the time we were seniors I was getting more demanding stage roles and our schedules were almost completely at odds with one another. We blamed each other for ridiculous things like the sink springing a leak and the perfectly perfect way to store cereal in the pantry.

My grades threatened to slip and my adviser was breathing down my back, I lost my job with the department store because I just didn’t have time for even a very part time schedule, and worst of all I started hating to go home.

It didn’t take us very long to fall all the way apart. I thought Blaine was seeing too much of his other friends, and he thought I was doing the same. You know what though, we were probably both just avoiding each other for the same reason. It’s exhausting to fight so much.

The night it all ended, Blaine accused me of actually sleeping with Kenneth, this guy from school. He swore he could smell the guy on me. I was furious and I wanted to hurt Blaine for hurting me, so I refused to answer. I just didn’t fight him on it. Then he left.

He gave me the weekend alone and Rachel came and helped pack me up. It was exactly like a divorce. I had to sort through and take what belonged to me and send messages through Rachel about things that were ours.

Then my stuff and I moved in on top of Finn and Rachel and I was living on their couch when I graduated. Blaine and I cut off all communication.

One month later, I was working in as a baristo at Joe’s and found myself in need of a roommate. I wound up with Michael, a guy I knew from chorus. His place was a shit hole, but I didn’t need much in those days. Actually I don’t think we’re going to talk about that right now. Just know that they were passed in a haze of espresso during the day and tequila or weed at night and eventually I started caring about my dreams again.

I worked hard, I saved my money, and I moved out after only six months. I took whatever roles I could find, and believe me some weren’t pretty. Rachel was already making a name for herself and while I was happy for her, I didn’t want my mistakes to ruin what I’d worked so hard to build.

I let myself start having fun again, though there was always a little empty spot inside me that I worked to ignore. In between work and seeing as much of Tangled, Rachel’s show, as possible, I began to have a life again. I made a few new friends, got some better work, and even tried a few dates. That didn’t lead anywhere really. It felt good to be out, to be wanted, but ultimately I had my eyes on my career.

Chase got the closest to me. We saw each other for several weeks, and he was sweet and funny and good in bed. He wasn’t Blaine, though. None of them were. I wound up with a few regular bed mates, but I didn’t care about any of them.

That was when I got the role that changed everything. Liir, in Son of a Witch. I made it, finally! I stood outside the theater and took pictures of my name. Kurt Hummel. Right there; in lights. It was a victory, and I was going to give it my everything.

That was only four and a half months ago. I was riding such a huge high that when my friends really started to struggle I was slow to notice. I did eventually though, and my heart still hurts for them.

You’ve come into this story at a strange time, though. We’re all of us heading back to Lima for a reunion and honestly I have no idea how I’m supposed to be in the same room with Blaine. I’m sure he knows about the show. I know what he’s been up to, sort of. I have his first CD. It’s an EP, but the songs are beautiful, soulful, like Blaine. I know it backward and forward and yeah I can’t even talk about that either apparently. Anyhow, I don’t know if he’s seeing someone, or bringing anyone to the reunion. I couldn’t make myself ask anyone.

I’m terrified, really, and the two people who have been the greatest support to me so far are busy with much more serious issues right now. So I’m going it alone, for all intents and purposes. In just a few days I’ll see Blaine and I’ll smile at him and pretend that everything is great. It should be great, shouldn’t it? I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted.

I hope this trip home doesn’t break me. I’ve only just begun to mend.

Chapter Text

Packing was hell on the nerves. Kurt had his list and he had everything laid out carefully. he knew which products from the bathroom had to be packed last because he was still using them and he knew which jeans were to be rolled and which were to hang. He was perfectly and meticulously prepared. So when he couldn’t find the aqua button down he knew was in the hanging bag just last night he lost his cool completely.

First he tore through the hang up bag, just to be sure the thing really wasn’t there. It wasn’t in his closet or lying around anywhere either. That meant it had to be in his suitcase, which was ridiculous because why would he risk permanent creases like that? He tore through the suitcase next, with no thought for where anything was going as he flung all the items out. The shirt was nowhere to be found. It was the perfect shirt, really. What the hell had he done with it?

Kurt stood back from the bed, staring at the destruction, his arms wrapped tight around his middle. That’s when he saw it. The little neon post it stuck to the lamp beside his bed.

Pick up dry cleaning

His shirt was still at the cleaners.

Kurt slumped down onto the chair by his desk and he buried his face in his hands with a sigh. How could he face Blaine if he couldn’t even manage to pack for the damn trip? He needed to get out for a little bit. Get away from the mess he’d made and away from lists and an empty apartment that was only serving to remind him of the empty place in his life. Maybe Finn could use a break too, he thought.

He sent Finn a quick text, asking him if he had time for lunch at their usual place and then leaned back, swiveling his chair away from the disaster so he could look out the window and try for five minutes to just not think.

Across town Finn raked his fingers over his forehead, surveying all the stuff spread out on their bed. He was super shitty at packing because he usually just sort of tossed stuff in a bag. Rachel was the one that could pack. Rachel was the one who on top of this stuff. He was so used to letting her take care of things and he really didn’t think he could handle anything on his own, honestly. He was not admitting that out loud to anyone. Ever.

He sighed and loaded everything into his bag, checking crap off on the list in his head and trying to stay focused. He had no idea how he managed as far as he had given what happened the previous night. And once he started thinking about it he just, he totally lost focus. He turned and sat down, blowing out a long breath. He let himself have just a minute. It can’t happen again.

He was losing the most important thing in his life because he wanted something so hard it was ruining everything he’d worked for. He needed to just if he didn’t let it go, and soon, he was gonna just be sort of lost.

His minute was up and he licked his lips and reached for the list he’d made specifically for this reason. His eyes scanned it and he was pretty sure he was done packing. Why was he always early with stuff? His phone kind of pulled him away from the list and he looked at the text and tried not to grin. He had the best brother. Seriously. He needed lunch. He needed a distraction. He needed a break.

Finn: Totally. See you in like fifteen?

Kurt: Fifteen!

Kurt left without picking a single thing up. He could beat himself over the head about it later on. And he could pick up his dry cleaning while he was out. Kurt sighed heavily just once more before he stuffed his wallet into his pocket along with his phone and headed out.

The sun was bright, as it should be this time of day, he reminded himself. He’d been holed up in his apartment for more than twenty four hours with the curtains and blinds drawn. That wasn’t like him at all, it wasn’t healthy. Not that he was a sun worshiper by any means, but he wasn’t the type to sit home and mope if he could help it either. hummel men faced their problems head on. Usually.

The pub wasn’t too far to walk, but it would take longer than the fifteen minutes he’d agreed on. So he caught a cab and tried his best to focus on Finn. He needed time away from his own worries and fears. They’d all still be waiting for him when he got back.

Once there, Kurt slipped in among the lunch crowd, casting his eyes about for his brother.

Finn was totally the guy who agreed to meet someone in a basically unreasonable amount of time and then ran late. Or at least he was in this case but his mom had called him back as he was walking down to the pub and he knew Kurt would understand that. Besides, he was there he just wasn’t, like, paying full attention just yet. He saw Kurt walk in and shifted the way he was holding the phone a little bit to stand up from the corner booth they’d set him in. He held his hand up even though he was usually tall enough to get attention just by standing. Normally he’d hang up, but his mom was actually crying and he felt really, really bad.

She’d been looking forward so much, apparently, to having both boys under the roof at the same time again. It hadn’t been that way since Finn got married and moved out during his senior year. Then she had breathlessly told him it was sooner than she was ready for him to go, but she hadn’t really cried. This time, she was crying about it. He didn’t know how much of it was because of then or how much of it was because of now. She also told him he sounded unhappy and that wasn’t helping things.

He wanted to just freaking tell someone what was going on. He needed to talk about it and Rachel wasn’t really that receptive to the idea. His mom was always so, so good with even the hardest stuff and it had been really long time since he relied on her. He was a married guy and he had a good marriage up until a few months ago. He’d gotten to the point that he really relied on only his wife. It was pretty clear he couldn’t keep doing that because it wasn’t working. He needed to talk to someone else.

His mom overheard the waiter coming with his beer and hung up, saying she didn’t want to intrude on his plans, and he frowned a little as his sipped his drink because the words were still on the tip of his tongue and they weren’t as easy to swallow as Guinness.

Kurt caught sight of Finn across the bar, in their booth toward the back. Originally they’d come here with Rachel and Blaine, two couples out on a Friday night. After Kurt and Blaine’s breakup, Finn and Kurt got the bar in the divorce, as Finn put it. So now, two years later, Kurt had come to think of the busy little pub rather fondly. They still argued about types of beer, Kurt preferring to sample the various fruity micro brews, and they "shared" appetizers, but Kurt was always sure to get extra since Finn’s idea of sharing was to eat the whole plate without thinking twice.

The time they had to go out together had actually been less and less in the past few months, and Kurt was sorry about that. He knew the specifics of some of the harder issues Finn and Rachel were facing, and he knew his brother needed support. He didn’t do the whole talking about feelings thing much, but Kurt knew it was that he got to get away, relax, and know that Kurt was there for him, no matter what. That’s what mattered. It’s what mattered to Kurt too.

Kurt crossed the bar and slipped into the booth across from Finn and waited while he finished his phone call. It sounded like maybe he was talking to his mom and from the look on his face, Carole really wasn’t taking the news of their hotel room well. Kurt was just ordering his Lindemans Framboise, the fruity raspberry beer that came in a champagne glass, when Finn hung up.

He took one last sip of his drink to try and wash the disappointed-mom conversation down his throat, and then licked his lips. He and Kurt really loved this place; it was basically the only place they ever really met up any more. They really didn’t have time to just chill and with Finn working from home, the last thing he wanted to do with his downtime was host something. Kurt was a good host but.. eh. They just liked to meet here. Finn knew Kurt’s order well enough he probably could’ve placed it and he wasn’t surprised to hear the (gross) order leave his brother’s mouth as he hung up the phone. He’d at least gotten appetizers or whatever started for them. Kurt usually ordered enough to feed a small army (which was code for "Finn plus everyone else") but Finn wasn’t feeling it today. The previous night, the previous few months, he wasn’t hungry. He had a stomachache, actually.

Once the server was gone again and he’d gotten the beer off his mouth and he’d taken a deep breath, he put his phone down and looked head-on at his brother. "So… hey. I didn’t even think about not giving you enough time to get here. I’m totally sorry. I ordered apps to make up for it though."

Kurt shrugged. It was fine really, he was just glad to be there. "Thanks, though" he added. He wasn’t sure he was hungry, but maybe seeing food would make a difference. Actually he’d only just realized he’d skipped breakfast so yeah he definitely needed to eat.

He took another drink of his beer then eased back in his seat with a sigh. "I made my mom cry. My wife is barely talking to me. I kind of think maybe I’m bad with women. How’re you?"

Kurt moved the silverware on it’s paper napkin to the side a little and folded his hands on the table in front of him waiting. Things with Finn and Rachel were pretty much as bad as Kurt thought they might be.

"I’m unable to pack, or even to remember what I’ve done with my favorite shirt, and I am terrified to go to this reunion and see Blaine. Oh, because I’m terrible with men, obviously. Still, it sounds like your troubles are a bit more immediate and severe." Kurt pursed his lips.

"I really don’t think you’re that bad with women though," he said.

Finn sighed when he heard about Kurt’s reunion-related problems. "How come you can’t pack though? ‘Cause you’re missing a shirt?" He raised his eyebrows and took another drink of his beer. "Is there any chance you can buy a new one before you leave?" He sighed. "I… I know it’s gonna be rough seeing Blaine again. All I can really say is I’ll be there, man. I’m there for both of you, you know that."

He was interrupted by the server bringing the appetizers. He smiled at her and then turned back to Kurt. "Yeah, I… I guess. Rachel just wants to put a happy face on things, you know? I’m totally not an actor but I don’t think she wants Mom and Burt to know how bad things are." He licked his lips and looked down at the table. "We can’t… we can’t even have sex without fighting about it, which is when I thought the hotel room would be a good idea."

He raised his eyes back up to Kurt for just a second before he rubbed his fingertips over his forehead and blinked. "I dunno, I mean… I’ve made the only two girls I care about cry their eyes out today. I just really hate disappointing my mom and I really hate not… I feel like I can’t even talk in my own house and I really hate that feeling, too."

He shook his head a little and waved off the thing with the shirts. It was all Blaine related anyhow. He understood the reason why Rachel would want to pretend everything was good. He loved his Dad and Carole, but they would definitely be disappointed, and they might even want to offer advice and ask questions, and yeah, Kurt had been down that road. It wasn’t fun. Even though they always ended on a high note, getting there could be trying. On the other hand, Kurt had to wonder if it might relieve some of the pressure they were both under, just having things out in the open. Either way it wasn’t up to him.

He listened to Finn, wanting to give him the support he so obviously needed. It hurt not being able to fix things for two of the most important people in his life. They were suffering, sometimes needlessly he thought, but there was nothing he could say or do to make it right.

Kurt nodded sympathetically. "Things are hard right now, really hard, but that isn’t you, that’s the circumstances," he tried. "I still think you were right about the hotel room, and you’ll get to spend plenty of time at home besides."

Finn sighed and picked at a piece of bread from the spinach artichoke thing in front of him that he wasn’t eating anyway. "The circumstances," he repeated flatly. "God. You’re stuck right in the middle of this, huh? This whole thing is such a mess."

The waitress came to take their orders and he was pretty glad for the break from the conversation. He felt so old. Like. He was pretty sure the last three months had taken three years off his life or something. "I kind of wonder if the hotel room is just sort of like putting a Band-Aid on something. Maybe…maybe it already fell apart and we just need to face it. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, like, at all. Maybe we should just tell mom and Burt and… and… deal with whatever comes. I think we’re pretty well at an impasse and if one of us gets what they really want it should be her. I don’t think I’m what she wants any more. She wants her role, and her career and, maybe that’s the problem. We should just stop being afraid of people saying they told us so."

Maybe he’d been with Rachel for too long and her dramatic nature was getting the better of him. He finished his beer with a couple of good gulps and pretty intently planned on just drinking water; he’d been drinking too much lately. "Maybe I should just, like, move back home and live in Mom and Burt’s basement or something. I’m only 23 so that wouldn’t make me a total loser. At least then my mom wouldn’t be crying about me."

"I love you guys," he said. It didn’t matter if he was in the middle. That was better than a lot of other options. Kurt scanned the menu briefly, but his eyes flitted to Finn’s as he spoke. After the waitress left, he nibbled at the dip and tried his best to think of something to say to Finn. Something helpful. though it sounded like Finn had been over all the same things Kurt had been.

When Finn finished Kurt took a drink of his beer and sat it back down, his fingers playing along the rim of it and down the side swiping through the thin film of condensation.

He started out slowly. thinking carefully as he spoke. In some ways, rachel was simpler. She needed lots of hugs and someone to remind her that she was worthy and deserved happiness. That she was talented and intelligent and beautiful. And she was, Kurt had no trouble being that voice for her. Rachel ranted and cried and got everything out on the table. If she felt something she said it. Finn was different. For him to be saying these things now meant things were really serious. Kurt knew they were, but hearing Finn now made his heart ache. Were they really going to divorce?

"You could never be a loser, Finn. You’re just a man. A man who has been handed a lot of trouble lately. You’re not a loser though. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it won’t matter what anyone else says about it. It only matters if you make the decisions that you want to make, the ones that are right for you, whatever they might be." Kurt looked him in the eye, quietly pleading with him to listen.

Finn rubbed his fingers over his forehead and met Kurt’s eyes. "What if what I want is a family… like… kids and stuff. And she doesn’t? She wants to be on Broadway, which is what she’s always wanted. So we just aren’t…there’s really no way to compromise that." His voice was low and he looked away. "She.. we… it was all right there and then she took the part instead and I don’t think…I think that’s what she’ll always pick which is fine. It’s not like she ever lied about being…y’know…ambitious." He took a couple of deep breaths. "It’s just…" his voice dropped down. "I guess I have to decide if I want to be a dad or her husband and, I think that decision might sort of kill me. It is killing me."

And he knew, okay? He knew how young he was. It wasn’t that he even wanted a guarantee it would happen right now, it was just that he wanted to know it would happen at all. Plus he was still getting over the idea that it wasn’t going to happen right now and it wasn’t that easy to get over. It was a person. No matter what Rachel said. And maybe her denial was half of why he was so hurt. To him, even if it hadn’t ended the best way possible, the fact that they could do that together was magic and she was basically denying it was anything but a problem.

He wasn’t even a little bit hungry when they sat his food in front of him. He ordered a Sprite, which he never really drank, hoping it might settle his stomach. Could you have an ulcer if you weren’t, like, middle aged? He didn’t know. He didn’t know what it felt like either, but he was seriously starting to wonder.

"You could always make this easier and tell me what I should do, y’know." He looked up from the soup in front of him and smiled even though he knew it didn’t reach his eyes. "That wouldn’t suck."

Kurt was deep inside his head, listening to Finn and thinking. What if he wanted a family? Yeah, that was the rub wasn’t it? Of course the first thing that came to mind was that there wasn’t any real reason to let that drive him crazy right now, but Kurt knew it wasn’t only that. It was the miscarriage. He’d basically just said it out loud and Kurt knew it had to be tearing him up inside. He’d probably be furious if he ever found out that Kurt knew, but he’d heard from Rachel first and sworn to keep it to himself. He didn’t want to keep things from Finn, but since it was already something Finn knew, he let that be his excuse. As thin as it was.

Kurt had grieved that loss too. He’d grieved with Rachel, and he grieved alone, but he knew in his heart it didn’t touch what Finn felt and what Rachel felt. They needed to say these things to each other, but feelings were already running so high.

He smiled a little crookedly at Finn after their food arrived. His fajita wrap didn’t look too appealing just now but he took a bite of it anyway. "You know I would if I thought I had anything close to an answer. Rachel’s not my best friend for no reason. I’d boss the hell out of you if I thought I could." His teasing tone was light but he knew they were just playing at being playful. It was all a little hollow.

Finn watched Kurt eat which was kinda creepy and he didn’t want to be that guy, so he tried to come up with something he could say. It took him a long time to speak and he just stirred his soup but couldn’t bring himself to eat it. Soup. The Sprite wasn’t working. He still felt sort of sick. He couldn’t keep up the joking around, either, as much as he wanted to.

He sighed while Kurt’s words bounced around in his head. Rachel’s not my best friend for no reason. Rachel had asked him not to say anything about the miscarriage to anyone, but he really was starting to not understand why exactly. And the thing was, if she was gonna talk, it would be to Kurt. As weird as it felt to go fishing with his brother about his wife, he did it anyway.

"Rachel thinks I want to leave her," he admitted, filling up the spoon and then tipping it back into the bowl. He shook his head. "Like all the time and effort I put into…all the…the… we’re fucking married and she thinks it’d be just that easy, I guess. Has she… I know I’m prying I guess, but has she said anything like that you?" He dropped his voice down. "Please just at least tell me if she’s okay. She won’t talk to me."

Kurt went through the mechanics of biting into his wrap, setting it down, chewing, swallowing, repeat. He managed a few fries too, but all too soon his stomach complained and he had to admit he was done. A few bites would keep him from going hungry anyway. He didn’t have to force any more down. Finn was quietly not eating too and Kurt suspected he’d been like that for some time now. He stole a quick glance at him again and took in the darkness under his eyes, the slightly off color of his skin. He looked exhausted. He looked like hell really. Had Kurt been so wrapped up in his own life that he’d missed his friend and brother’s sudden decline? Kurt vowed then and then to make himself more available and more aware, for Finn’s sake.

When he spoke at last, to ask about Rachel, Kurt ran an absent hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

"Something like that," he admitted slowly. "She’s doing about as good as you are, Finn. She’s stressed out and uncertain and she worries that she’s about to lose you." Kurt was walking on that fine line of being there for his brother and betraying the confidence of his best friend, but he couldn’t just leave Finn hanging. Not now.

"I think she’s hurting a lot right now, like you, but she loves you Finn. I don’t think she really wants to lose you, she’s just overwhelmed," Kurt didn’t know if he was being helpful or just putting himself in between them.

"I imagine you are too," he finished.

Finn just nodded while Kurt’s words washed over him. He raked his hand through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut and leaned forward to put his elbow on the table so his hand could support his head. He looked anywhere but Kurt, checking around to kind of make sure his words would get swallowed up by the chaos around them in the bar. "I lost her as soon as she told me there was a baby," he blurted out. He wasn’t supposed to say anything; he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. He wasn’t sure exactly what feeling was more overpowering, the guilt or the grief. But they were both there and he was pretty sure one of them was gonna choke him.

"I just… just forget I said anything," he said quietly. He picked up his spoon and forced himself to eat a couple bites of soup and when they didn’t, like, come back up immediately, he made himself eat more. He needed to eat enough to get over the blah feeling from drinking too much the night before.

He looked up at his brother and just shook his head. "When… we don’t talk about it much and I get it if you don’t want to but… but when did you and Blaine decide it was just… too hard to keep going?"

Kurt was shocked. He tried not to stare at Finn. He wanted them to talk about this because it was obvious it was eating his brother up inside, and he couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. It wasn’t like Kurt could just assure him that he’d known, that would only serve to drive yet another wedge between Finn and Rachel and Kurt wasn’t going to do that. No, he’d just have to take whatever Finn was giving him to work with, and that was very little. Did just saying it help? Kurt hoped so, because he wasn’t going to force Finn to talk about something so painful. When Finn looked away Kurt swiped his hand over his eyes, removing the wetness that was threatening to become tears. His brother didn’t need to see that. he needed Kurt to stay strong.

Finn was taking a different approach now, and Kurt finished took a big bite of french fry to give himself time to think. He didn’t mind talking about it now, not really, and he was glad Finn was still communicating. Maybe it would help him too, just to get to say it out loud.

"Blaine and I didn’t end because it was too hard to work out. We ended because I gave up trying," he admitted. Crap, no it still hurt like a bitch. Still, he thought it was something Finn really should hear right now.

"We were fighting all the time, you know, and eventually we stopped spending any time together. We stayed out late with friends, we worked longer hours. We weren’t working on our relationship we were avoiding each other. One night Blaine came home and I was drunk. He was probably drunk too. Anyway he accused me of cheating on him, I guess you know this part, and I admitted that I had? That’s not exactly how it happened though. See I never did cheat on Blaine, but I was so angry and hurt that he believed I could do that, that I just didn’t answer him. He left. That was the last time I saw him." Kurt took a ragged breath. His heart ached and his throat was tight.

"I lost the only man I’ve ever loved because I gave up on him. Finn, I know I don’t have the right to say this really, but I don’t want that for you. If things end with you and Rachel, let it be because you tried everything you could first."

Finn licked his lips and listened to his brother and tried to imagine…he was pretty sure if Rachel accused him of cheating on her, he would lose it. Not really like freak out and yell or anything but like fall apart. He probably wouldn’t be able to answer either. He hoped he didn’t have to find out how it felt ‘cause even thinking about it really sucked and he was kind of sorry he’d asked. He felt really nosy and really, really bad for Kurt and Blaine. It did all sound familiar, though. Maybe Kurt was telling him so he could stop the same thing from happening with him and Rachel. Maybe that wasn’t the problem, though.

He put his spoon down, unable to really gag down anything else. He knew he probably looked at tired as he felt. "How much did you give up, though? I mean… neither of you guys have really moved on or anything." He licked his lips a little and picked up his water for a drink before he continued. "I know we’re all sort of weirdly tied together and it’s… that makes it harder to let go but I think at least part of it is maybe not really giving up."

He sat back in his seat. "The situation with me and Rachel is a little different. It’s not… I think we might want different things. There are… there are some things you just can’t give up, you know? I guess I just don’t know if I should make her or something else my thing I won’t give up and when she took this part…it felt like she was putting me second. Things have changed. People… circumstances… they change and there’s nothing you can do about it."

Finn knew he probably needed to talk about what was going on with him and Rachel. He really needed to say a lot of things and be able to openly grieve and he just couldn’t. "Maybe you should think about ungiving up. I mean, you and Blaine… the story doesn’t have to be over yet. Maybe if you don’t reach out to him eventually you’re just giving up over and over. You know?"

Kurt knew Finn couldn’t see their situations as being the same. After all he and Blaine hadn’t lost a child. He understood there was no comparison there. However they had both chosen career paths over each other. Kurt had put himself and his need for success ahead of what he had with Blaine, and then when the pressure got to be too much he’d let Blaine walk out. It was the cowardly move.

"I didn’t know this then, but I did choose something over Blaine. I chose myself, and the career I wanted. The thing is, and maybe I’m way over the line here, is that I just can’t see it as an either/or type of problem. I can’t. I see that Rachel is chasing her Broadway career and I see that you want a family someday. The thing is, those aren’t mutually exclusive things. Stars have families. Husbands have famous wives. Actors have children. That’s not the problem, is it? The problem is whether or not you and Rachel want to continue to grow and change together or if you’ve decided what you have isn’t worth working for any more."

Kurt’s words might have sounded harsh, but his tone was soft, sad even. If Rachel and Finn divorced he would still have Finn as his brother and best friend, and Rachel would never lose her place in his heart either. He loved them both so much it hurt, and he wanted it to work, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t care. Ultimately though, it was about their peace of mind and happiness.

He was drifting in his thoughts, thinking so hard about what he was saying that it took a moment to register that Finn was talking about Blaine. Blaine hadn’t moved on? That was news, and Kurt wasn’t exactly sure what it meant.

"I don’t know about that, Finn," he said. "I was thinking, if it seemed right at the reunion, maybe there would be a way for us to speak again. And someday, maybe get back to where we could be around each other again. That’s really the most I think I should hope for."

Finn sighed and scrubbed shaking hands over his face. He felt totally dried out even though the water in front of him was empty. It was like open warfare inside him; did he tell? Did he not tell? Rachel had asked him not to and he had a lot of really good reasons to respect her privacy, especially with Kurt. Kurt was her family. Kurt was part of their family. Anything he told Kurt, he might as well tell their parents (even though Kurt probably wouldn’t tell.) He finally just sniffled, swallowed hard to keep his throat from flexing and choking, and just shook his head.

"There’s more to it than that," he breathed. "There’s a lot more to it than that. We don’t talk to each other any more because we can’t without fighting. We don’t… we can’t… we even fight if we have sex. I know other actresses or whatever have families but Rachel…" he licked his lips and shook his head. "She will always, always have a reason not to. There will always be a part that’s more, like, appealing or whatever. And I promised her dads she wouldn’t have to give up any part of her career when we got married and… if there’s a part she wants there’s nothing I can say about it ‘cause of that."

He let two short breaths out his mouth and played with the straw from his water against his fingertips. "She just… she always does this. She, like, ties my hands with things and I don’t know if she knows she does or what. She won’t… she doesn’t wanna have kids but she doesn’t want me to go on tour. She wants me to support her career but she won’t..." he shook his head. "Forget it. It just doesn’t matter."

He didn’t even know if Kurt could hear him over the bar noise. He almost didn’t care. He was sick of being fucking depressed and not talking about not saying anything and, he was just exhausted and he was giving up.

"I think there’s something serious going on with Blaine, though," he redirected eventually, once he had a better grip on himself. "He said he has to have surgery. I don’t know anything besides that but… well. Some day might be coming sooner than you think, Kurt. Just…" he trailed off. He didn’t want his marriage to be over. He didn’t want to give up or walk away or, or, he still wasn’t sure if he could stay with Rachel and end up being okay not having a baby he wanted so badly. But she was still the love of his life and he wasn’t ready to not have her in his life. He wasn’t ready for this choice, even if it would just get harder the longer he went. He didn’t want the last seven years to be over. He wanted to do them all again and live the time before he was this guy and before he was falling apart.

"Don’t give up," he said simply, hoarsely. "Okay? At the reunion, don’t give up until you guys have really talked. I think he probably needs you." All he could think was he needed a drink of cold water; he had even picked up her habits but, but as usual, he needed it and it wasn’t there. He didn’t know how long that’d been the case, but he had to start taking care of things himself. Relying on himself and thinking for one the same way Rachel had when she took the part on Broadway without ever thinking he might need his wife around to lean on when they all of a sudden weren’t having a baby.

Kurt had something of an idea about the way things were going downhill for Finn and Rachel. He didn’t blame either of them, but he did wish they had more time for talking and less for arguing. He’d very carefully said as much to Rachel, but when two people are so angry and so hopeless there’s very little anyone from the outside could do. Kurt couldn’t fix this for them no matter how much he wanted to. It was too easy to stand on the outside of it and see what needed to be done. When you’re in the middle of it, it’s different.

"It does matter," he said. "It matters, okay?" Finn looked bereft, completely hopeless.

"You’re hurt and angry, and you don’t see a way out, and Finn, I get that. You don’t have to justify how you feel to me. Not ever. It’s okay to be angry at Rachel and it’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to want what you want. It’s okay to be however you are, and it matters to me. If you told me right now, that you’d had all you could take, I would be sad, but I’d still be right here. I never want you to forget that."

After a time, Finn steered their conversation back to Blaine, and Kurt had trouble keeping a hold of himself any longer. He wanted to call Rachel and demand to know what she knew. Better yet he wanted to call Blaine and talk to him, ask him plainly if he was okay, and what if anything could do for him. It was too much right now and it scared him to think there might be something serious happening with Blaine.

"Okay," he agreed. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he could try.

He didn’t eat any more and he let the waiter bring him some water that he didn’t drink. Kurt listened to the hum around them and he tried not to look back and see the pain on his brother’s face. He wanted to say so much more, but Finn was carrying too much as it was and Kurt didn’t want him to feel any more pressure.

The more Kurt talked, told him how much he cared and that Finn could talk to him, the more jumbled Finn’s thoughts really were. Kurt was his brother and they had really come so far and he trusted Kurt. It seemed stupid not to talk about the situation, all of it, with him when Kurt put it that way. He was frustrated and felt stupid that Rachel didn’t need him and that he thought she wasn’t there for him so… so he was just gonna ignore it when someone else made the offer? And it wasn’t just anyone else offering, it was his brother. Just because his brother and her best friend were the same person wasn’t, like, a problem. Kurt cared how he felt about it or what he thought, and that was honestly more than he could certainly say about his wife.

He used the straw to stir ice cubes around his empty cup while he took a couple of breaths and tried to organize himself a little. It took him awhile, but he managed and when he looked at Kurt, he could talk in a steady voice and he wasn’t crying or anything. Win. "We lost a baby a few months ago," he said. Okay. So he started off in a steady voice. That was as far as he got. "And she basically shut down on me. I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t talked about it. I… I can’t stop thinking about how things would be different now. I can’t talk to her about it because she just says it wasn’t even a baby, but it was to me."

Finn didn’t realize he had tears in his eyes until he blinked and a couple of them slid over his cheeks. He wiped them away, using the fingertips of his shaky hands, and sniffled. "I can’t… I can’t fill up the hole by myself. I need her and she’s not there. I need her to just… to rely on me and she isn’t and… I miss her. I miss when we were gonna have a baby. I miss when we were happy. I don’t know how to get past it," he admitted in a whisper. "I’m not mad at her. I’m not… God I don’t blame her or anything I just… I want my wife back."

"Finn…" Kurt reached out instinctively and squeezed at Finn’s hand. He was so relieved to have Finn say what was really bothering him instead of just hinting at it. Even so he knew he couldn’t just say a few well chosen words and make Finn feel better. He couldn’t tell him how Rachel had cried either. He couldn’t betray either of them to the other. He wouldn’t. Kurt let go of Finn’s hand, but he continued to lean forward over the table so that he could keep his voice low.

"I know you need Rachel, but maybe… have you thought about speaking with a counselor? I mean, I know marriage counseling can be an intimidating thought, and talking isn’t always something you like doing, but if you just went and sat down by yourself then you could say whatever you wanted. I think you need to keep talking about this. Otherwise how can you work out what you want to do next?" He couldn’t be sure if that was the best advice, but it felt right. Maybe Finn wouldn’t go to a counselor, but he should be reminded that the option exists.

Once Kurt released his hand, Finn dropped his head and wiped both his eyes with the heels of his hands. It wasn’t like he was ashamed to cry exactly, but he wasn’t thrilled with it either. "Yeah, I… I’ve looked into it a little," he admitted. "We… I mean I say this a lot lately but we got into another fight last night and it was really bad. I said maybe we should go see someone and she didn’t really say yes or no. She just said maybe the trip to Lima would help." He sighed. "I don’t think she believes that any more than I do."

He played around with his spoon again, stirring the soup that was probably cold. He didn’t care; he wasn’t gonna eat it anyway. "I know what I want, Kurt. I do. I just don’t think she wants the same thing." He blew out a shaky breath. "I wanna start a family and be a dad and… and I know she isn’t ready for anything like that. She’s told me a hundred times that this part she’s doing now is her shot to make it and reach her goals and that’s… it’s fine.

But honestly, I think her goal will always be her career and never be having a family. I really think if I want her, then I have to give up that other idea. Like I know other people have that—actors have families and nobody husbands are married to famous people—and they do it all the time. I don’t think we can, though. I don’t think we will. I just didn’t know until she was… until we lost it, really. I didn’t know that’s what I wanted. Kids have always sort of freaked me out. Like, I can take care of Rachel and sometimes I can take care of myself and… and then I’m maxed out. The thought of being responsible for another person always seemed really scary until it wasn’t just a thought." He shrugged.

"It doesn’t matter, though. If she doesn’t want it then…" He couldn’t say it. Then what? That was the question he needed answered; and really, his brother or a counselor—no one else was gonna be able to tell him that.

Kurt thought maybe he could understand that. Finn had never talked about wanting kids before. Then again neither had Kurt. But he could imagine what it would be like, he had let himself imagine Finn and Rachel’s child or children once or twice. His own family, that was something he didn’t touch on, hadn’t for years, but being an uncle would be fantastic, he’d decided. They were already a close family, and a child, one he could dote on and sing to and dress up and take to the theater, one that looked like Rachel and Finn, that child would be a welcome addition someday. Maybe not a child from his body but a child he would love just a fiercely as any of his own.

So part of him could imagine what it was like for Finn, who was maybe a little more like him than he’d considered, to suddenly learn he had a child on the way. It would change everything. How could it not? They’d created a tiny life together, of course that would change Finn’s mind. It had probably been changing people’s minds since the beginning of time. Finn had probably made plans, in his mind, saw the way his family could be, and in the end it wasn’t just a baby that was lost, it was an entire future to Finn’s mind. A future he’d never known he wanted, but a future he’d grabbed hold of and cherished all the same.

When Finn’s voice broke off for the last time, Kurt couldn’t hide the emotion thick in his voice. "I wish I knew how to help you, or how to fix everything. I just don’t. I know there aren’t any easy answers here and I’m so very sorry."

Finn scratched the hair above his ear; he needed a haircut before they left for Lima. He sighed. He knew that there were more people interested in his future with Rachel than just the two of them. Kurt had been pretty unhappy with the wedding plans at first, but over time he’d come around and especially over the last couple years, he’d been way supportive. Sometimes he thought Kurt put just as much energy into their relationship working as they did, especially since his own had fallen apart and he really understood how hard they fought to keep it all together.

Plus, the thing was, Kurt had always been a huge support to him, too. They’d really turned out to be brothers—and it had only been better even since Finn figured out what he wanted to do with himself and had gone for it. Now that Kurt knew Finn wasn’t trying to disappear behind his wife, well. It had just made a huge difference in their relationship, now to the point that Finn was pretty sure there was actual disappointment and heartbreak in his brother’s voice for their loss. It wasn’t just Finn’s or Rachel’s, but it was Kurt’s too.

It’d kinda be the same thing if they got divorced; Kurt would be part of it. Or at least he would suffer, was suffering, because of it. "Man… I just put you right in the middle of everything," he said. He squeezed his eyes closed. "I’m sorry. But yeah, you’re right. There’s no real answer." He blew out a breath and frowned. "I just wish it never happened and then I feel like crap for that, too." He licked his lips. "But thanks, man. I mean, I think this helped as much as anything."

"I think that’s just the way it works with family, and I wouldn’t trade ours for anything." Kurt leaned back with a little sigh. He didn’t blame Finn for having that thought. That he’d wished it had never happened. That was just normal. It was the anger talking, Kurt was sure. It had taken a long time after Blaine left for Kurt to begin remembering the good times, and to look back on their relationship with fondness. He didn’t have regrets about starting their relationship, but he had for a long time.

Kurt managed a small smile at Finn. "My door’s always open," he said. The waiter returned with their tickets, and Kurt handed over his credit card. The break in conversation gave him time to think about what it was going to be like to go to the reunion while everything was so very tense. Or to be at the house. It was going to be rough, on all sides. In fact, he almost wished they didn’t have to try the family thing, but his dad and Carole had both been really adamant with him too. So there was no way out really, he supposed.

"I better get back to my packing disaster. Thanks for getting me out. I get in really late, but text me if you need anything okay? Anything," Kurt hated to go back to his apartment, he didn’t want to do any of this, as much as he sort of actually did want to see Blaine. It was a lot to have to deal with and he didn’t know what he should be expecting except stress all around.

Chapter Text

Bubbling. Bubbles were hilarious, normally. But these bubbles weren’t that funny. These bubbles were pissed off. Annoyed. And still coming. Usually drinking popped the bubbles but it wasn’t working. Bubbling was the only word he could think of because they just kept coming like… bubbles. Beer bubbles. Was that a thing? Could beer bubble? Whatever.

He drank the whiskey slow. The bubbles went faster. The bartender was annoying and kept asking him how much he’d had to drink, like he was gonna cut Finn off the minute Finn’s answer changed. He knew how much he was drinking. He just couldn’t focus on basically anything else. He also couldn’t think of words besides bubbles. And how he really, really didn’t want to go home.

He was pretty sure the only reason he hadn’t been cut off yet was ‘cause he wasn’t the dude over in the other corner who was, like, preaching something. Sounded kinda like the gospel of bullshit and Finn didn’t care. His wife had called him a cheater. Finn. Him. (He still knew his own name. He hadn’t drunk enough.) He didn’t know if the bubbles were more hurt or mad. They were all mixed together. He wasn’t the loud guy. He was the quiet guy in the corner who was drinking and thinking about bubbles while his life was falling apart.

He didn’t know how much longer he sat there before the bartender dropped down right in front of him on his elbows with a frown. He was actually really nice about it, but said Finn needed to find someone to get him home because the guy didn’t think, since he’d asked the name of the bar, that he could give a cab driver his address. Finn’d already been texting Blaine a little so he nodded and showed the guy his phone for proof. (He covered up Blaine’s text about Blaine having had some shots already, too.) He put his head down on his folded arms on the bar to wait, wishing the guy would just give him another drink. Well. One with bubbles that wasn’t just water.

Pain. That’s all Blaine had been feeling for weeks. Physical pain turned into mental pain as soon as he got the invitation to the 5 year reunion in Lima, and then mental pain turned right around and gave the physical pain a whole new meaning. Blaine had cancer, and he needed to cope. He groaned slightly as his phone buzzed and he pulled away from Nate. He had been 6 shots deep when the other man had called to see how he was doing and offered to come over. Blaine normally would have refused, but when Nate insisted he agreed. He needed to get out of his head for awhile, and sex with Nate was a way to do that. Blaine had known Nate since about six months after he and Kurt broke up. They had become fast friends, and one night while completely shit faced slept together. They then stumbled around a really bad month long relationship before an agreement was reached that while physically the sex was amazing it was nothing more, and that was how Blaine found himself in a friend with benefits situation. He looked at the phone and sighed before turning to his friend, “I have to go help Finn. Some other time.” He pulled on his shirt and slipped on some shoes before ushering Nate out the door, locking his apartment.

The short walk to the neighborhood bar was relatively silent minus the sound of Blaine’s breathing. He really had no idea what was going on with Finn and Rachel. She seemed more distant like she was hiding something, and that was only confirmed to Blaine when Finn had mentioned that Rachel didn’t want him talking about their issues. He let out a long sigh as he pulled the door open and walked into the bar. He noticed Finn sitting hunched on the bar stool, and if the drunk texts were not a dead giveaway of something being wrong the body language definitely was. He tentatively walked over to him before sliding onto the barstool next to him and clapping him on the shoulder, “Hey. Let’s go back to my place and talk.”

Finn blinked his eyes open and sat up. Sort of. He needed to keep drinking. ”Hey,” he echoed, nodding along as Blaine talked. Like obviously he wasn’t gonna keep drinking here. And he could tell just from the way Blaine’s face looked that his friend wasn’t like 100% either. They probably needed each other.

It took Finn a minute to get the bartender’s attention and like ten solid minutes of effort to close out his tab (which what was he pretty sure was a good-sized tip for the guy; he had been here for a couple hours and even if he himself had been pretty quiet some of the other people weren’t and it was totally a pity tip) before they left. He wasn’t so drunk he couldn’t walk, but he was drunk enough that it definitely wasn’t in, like a straight line. Or… the right direction.

“Thanks for meeting me,” he said slowly. He kept his steps slow so he didn’t stumble or anything, but that was probably okay with Blaine ‘cause Finn’s strides were huge and Blaine was just sort of walking normal. ”I waited up for her and waited and she came home and went to bed and I just…I had to get out of there,” he breathed. ”I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but I gotta get my shit together before we go back to Ohio.”

“No worries,” Blaine whispered as he pulled Finn back in the proper direction to his apartment and hailed a cab. He made sure to shove Finn in head first and climbed in behind him. The ride to his apartment was relatively quiet and once inside he shrugged off his jacket and shoes before going to the fridge and getting a couple of beers.

His buzz was wearing off, and he didn’t know how much of this conversation he could get through without it back. He needed to tell Finn what he had told Rachel, but Finn had so much going on, and knowing there was more to their situation than either of them were letting on he decided to take the drink and wait option instead.

He tossed one of the beers to Finn and smiled at him as he sat down and took a gulp of his drink, “so what’s going on with you guys, and start from the beginning because you’re right you really need to get your shit together before we get back to Ohio. Also, the next few weeks for me are about to be hell, and I need you both on speaking terms to help me with my shit.”

Finn accepted the beer gratefully. Somewhere in the back of his mind, feeling like it was super far away, he remembered offering to take Blaine to… doctor’s appointments. For surgery. There was something really, really serious going on. He took a long pull from his drink, surprised that it still settled into him and loosened up his muscles a little bit. He was already not sober; he was surprised the beer had any immediately noticeable effect at all. Maybe he could get through this.

It probably made him an ass, but he no longer cared about Rachel’s wishes to keep it private. He’d told Kurt earlier and he was gonna tell Blaine now. Even if she didn’t need or want to talk about it, he did. And if he couldn’t talk about it with her, it really wasn’t fair for her to say he couldn’t talk about it at all. He licked his lips and looked over at Blaine for just a second before he looked back at the bottle in his hand and started toying with the label while he talked.

“The start, huh?” He let out a long breath. ”I got Rachel pregnant a little while ago,” he said in a low voice. He blinked a couple of times and had to clear his throat. He’d never really said the words out loud quite like that. ”We didn’t… it wasn’t really the plan. I mean, we hadn’t even been in our apartment for a year yet. I was still sort of getting things settled with work and…and it really wasn’t a good time for something like that but…but it didn’t matter.” He licked his lips and kept his eyes on the bottle. The tension was coming back into his shoulders; he could feel it. He took another drink. ”She wasn’t really…I don’t know. I think it was a little harder for her to get used to, but I was excited. I was really…I didn’t know I wanted it that bad, being a dad, until it was happening and we started making plans.”

He rubbed at the corner of his eye and took another long drink. ”There was… she went to the doctor and I couldn’t go with her… I… there was a lighting problem in the studio and the electrician was coming to look at it so I couldn’t leave the apartment with her and…” he tipped his head and he hadn’t really ever talked about this before and it was settling into his stomach like a lead weight. He absently thought he might throw up. ”… she said the doctor told her it happens all the time and we could try again if we wanted to, in a couple of months. She was just… she was just so… I could tell she was totally on overload so we didn’t really…I thought we would talk about it later and be sad together or whatever. Except she wasn’t at all. She didn’t even… she never acted like she cared. Not once.”

He was definitely gonna be sick. He turned his head to look at Blaine. ”We never did talk about it. I told her I wanted to try again, that I think I’m ready to start a family with her, but… she took the part she has now without even talking to me and said we can do it later and that her career is the most important thing and I…I’ll be right back,” he said before putting his drink on the table and walking more certainly out of the room than he’d done with anything else tonight. He wasn’t sure how long he was gone, but he was gonna consider the fact that he hadn’t puked a huge win. He settled back on the couch next to Blaine and buried his face in his hands. ”We just… we don’t really talk. We don’t really…we’re not us. We just work and come home and fight and then…” he licked his lips and sighed, his voice dropping down even further. ”Earlier tonight, she accused me of cheating on her. That’s how bad things are. It’s like she forgot who I am. Or maybe she just forgot she loves me or something. I don’t know anymore, man.”

Blaine popped the top on his own beer and sat back against the couch. His chest burned for whatever reason, and the stress of what was going on with his health was just to much to comprehend at the moment. He looked over to Finn and listened to him as he sipped his beer and toyed with the label on the bottle. Pregnant. The word split through Blaine’s thoughts like a knife, and that’s when everything began to make sense. He looked over at Finn as he continued to talk about how Rachel was shutting down how she never wanted to talk about it, and his heart ached. He couldn’t fathom losing a child, and while yes the baby might not have technically been a baby Rachel loved with her whole heart so for her not to talk about it she must be scared, hurting, and feeling alone.

He watched Finn even longer as he finished the story before putting the beer back to his lips. He removed it after a moment and sighed as he observed Finn. It was obvious the man was hurting something terrible as well. This was his child. Part of him was gone. He watched him get up and walk towards the hall and sighed before calling after him, “if you’re going to be sick raise the seat.”

He waited a while thinking about everything that Finn had just told him. Processing all of it, and when Finn came back and sat down on the couch next to him he looked at him and sighed, “I’ve been thinking, and you know she’s Rachel. You know how she is, and she loves with everything. I can’t even imagine what she is going through. It hurts me to think she couldn’t share this with me and you had to, but maybe it’s just to painful for her to talk about. Though I can understand you needing to talk it was your baby.” He yawned after a moment and sighed, “she didn’t forget who you are and I know she loves you. Maybe you guys should get counseling or something. This is obviously fear. Maybe she feels broken. Have you thought of that?”

He’d always been the kind of guy who wore his heart on his sleeve, and it had always been worse when he was drinking. If he was happy and in love, he was even more, like, handsy. If he was mad at something, he would rant under his breath. If he was sad… well… it showed and it wasn’t unheard of for him to cry. This time wasn’t an exception, either, and he was torn somewhere between being embarrassed and just…almost angry… when Blaine put words to the absolute worst things he’d been thinking.

He knew why Rachel was pushing as hard as she was. He did. She would get disappointed or heartbroken or whatever and she would lash out and go as far the opposite direction as she could. It wasn’t anything new; it was like “textbook Rachel” if he’d ever written a textbook about her. The problem was that usually he could bring her back to the middle. This time he couldn’t even reach her because he was so sad himself.

He wasn’t angry that Blaine had put the stuff in the back of his mind to words; he hadn’t let himself really think the words because… well, he was angry when he felt his eyes start to burn and the back of his throat got all tight. He hadn’t cried about anything yet and he really, really didn’t wanna start now. He fought it with his breathing, by closing his eyes, and by taking his sweet damn time to talk.

“Yeah. She won’t… but she won’t talk to me. She just…” He repeated his cycle, the thing keeping him from becoming a totally emotional, drunken mess on his friend’s couch when he knew his friend had other crap to deal with. He was pretty sure that was on a Top-10 To-Not-Do list somewhere. ”I can’t make her and she doesn’t want to so I just… I guess I just have to let it happen. We’ve talked about counseling, like maybe when we get back.” He rubbed the corner of his eye with his knuckle. ”I don’t know what else to do. I miss my wife and…and I miss when we were happy and…” he shrugged. ”Just… go. Talk about your stuff now ‘cause… I can’t… yeah. You should talk now.”

Blaine sighed after a few moments and watched Finn’s body language. The man he had come to care about as a brother was in mental pain. His marriage was falling apart, he had lost a child, and his wife wasn’t coping well. He put a hand on his shoulder and sighed a bit as he listened to him speak and then ask him what was going on with him. Finn knew about the surgery and Rachel knew about the cancer, but they obviously hadn’t spoken about that. He looked over and thought a moment before deciding to tell him because while he didn’t want to add more crap on top of his marriage problems he needed to tell someone anyone really. He had told his grandmother, mom, and Nate but he really just needed his “family” right now.

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed, “A few weeks ago I went to the doctor because I was feeling really run down and tired. He did some blood tests and a full physical, and found a lump on one of my testicles.” Blaine swallowed as he said said the next few words, “I have to have surgery next week to remove the tumor and while they are in there they will decide if I need further treatment. I’m scared to death because the doctor said chances that it’s spread outside of the testicle are high because of the results of the blood tests.” Blaine looked at Finn a moment and sighed, “so between all this stuff with me, your marriage crisis, and seeing Kurt I’m considering just staying in Dayton with Nana Dot.”

Finn was still shaking, trying to choke back the stuff he didn’t want to talk about, while Blaine was talking. Blaine didn’t need the weight of his reaction; Blaine didn’t need his questions or anything else. His friend, his brother—probably had enough of that pressure to deal with. He knew the look on his face wasn’t hiding anything at all while Blaine spoke, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Don’t…” he licked his lips. ”Please don’t worry about me and Rachel. We’ll sort it out and…and…” he was totally talking out his ass about that, but he definitely meant the rest of what he was gonna say. “Staying in Dayton for how long?” He asked. ”I mean…you. There’s way better care for that here than there, though. Maybe we should bring Nana Dot here for a little bit. And if seeing Kurt is that big of a deal we’ll…” he swallowed hard. God. His breathing wasn’t ever gonna be normal again. ”…we’ll find a time to do it that isn’t in stupid Ohio or something.”

He looked over his friend openly. ”That…this sucks, Blaine. I’m really sorry. I don’t even know anything about it that I could say that would make you feel better. Or help you.”

He settled back against the couch cushions and finished the last of the beer he had; honestly…there was probably too much of it for him to do that and he choked. At least no one could saying sitting with is friend who had cancer… God. They were still too young for that, weren’t they?… anyway, at least no one could say it changed the way he acted around them. ”Me and you are the funnest drunks ever.” He tipped his head back. ”What are we gonna do, man?”

Blaine looked at Finn for a long moment waiting for some kind of reaction from him. Something that would say he wasn’t confused, and when the taller man choked on his beer Blaine couldn’t help but laugh a little. ”I know I shouldn’t laugh at you doing that, but choking yourself on beer is priceless.” He sighed, “and as far as Nana Dot coming to stay for a while that’s already in the works. She told me I can’t take no for an answer and that she’s staying with me here for at least a month. I just think maybe my going to the reunion isn’t best. That’s what I meant by staying in Dayton.”

Blaine took the final drink of his beer and began playing with the label quietly, “and you’re right you and I are the best drunks ever. A couple of sad men drinking their troubles away.” He sighed and closed his eyes as he thought about Kurt and sighed, “I can’t see Kurt now Finn. Not since this cancer diagnosis. I am already so vulnerable with my emotions, and I’m afraid I might break down. I still miss him, and lately I’ve just been thinking a lot about where life is going, and I can’t help but think what if we were still together.”

Finn tipped the top of the empty bottle to his head as he sort of finished choking and chuckled at the same time. ”Hey, I aim to please,” he said simply. ”And good. I’m glad she’s coming here so you have some more support but…” he shrugged. ”There’s no law that says you should go to the reunion with us. If you wanna stay with your family, then you should but… well do you maybe think the reunion is a more neutral place you could go to see him for the first time? And you’ll have me and…and Rachel. If you change your mind and decide to do it later, I can’t guarantee all that stuff.”

He tipped the beer bottle back to his mouth, grinning and rolling his eyes at himself when he remembered his drink was empty, resting his head back against the couch again so he could see the ceiling. He rolled his head so he could see Blaine and the way the room sort of moved with the motion was not really promising for his no-hangover streak.

“We’re totally using the reunion as a distraction from problems for a while, but if you don’t want to that’s up to you and I’m not gonna hold it against you or anything.” He sighed. ”I dunno. I’ve never been good with wondering how things would be different. Maybe… maybe he would be support or comfort that you need while you’re dealing with this,” he said. Even though the situations were completely not the same, he had thought the same about Rachel. That was why he’d asked her to marry him in high school. It was one of the reasons they had stayed together, that comfort and support when things went wrong. And, when it wasn’t the case, it was one of the reasons they were falling apart. He hoped maybe things would be totally different for Blaine because the things he was fighting for were a lot different and a lot more important.

“Blaine, I kinda think you should go. I think you should see him.” He sighed. ”I think it would probably help more than it would hurt but…but I might not be giving good advice either so…” he rolled his head along the back of the couch. ”Do you want someone to go to your appointments and stuff with you? I really can be that guy if you want. I kind of make my own work hours and I could do it. I would really…I’d like to if you want.” He closed his eyes. ”And on the bright side, if I have to move out of my apartment I won’t have anywhere to work at all so I’d have plenty of free time.”

Blaine listened to Finn talk about Nana Dot, and also about the reunion. Sometimes Finn had these ways of making things sound great and he nodded in agreement with him after a few moments, “Yah you’re right the reunion will be neutral with an open bar so if things get to tense I can drown my fears in beer or gin. He chuckled dryly at the thought as he continued to listen to Finn. The breakup had been bad, really bad, and sometimes still sleeping in the same apartment that they had shared was difficult enough. He had no clue how he was going to manage to see him.

He listened to Finn speak a while longer, and his words cut through him like a knife. He knew Kurt, and he knew that if he knew about the cancer he would want to mend things, help him, and Blaine just didn’t know if he could risk that because he still loved him. He would never admit to being in love with him, but it was love nonetheless.

He sipped the last of his beer and swallowed the liquid before patting Finn on the shoulder, “I’ll get you a blanket and pillow. Also, I would like that a lot of you would come with me to the appointments and such, but from what I hear it might not be pretty.” In fact Blaine knew it wouldn’t be. He reacted strongly to most medications and that was probably his worst fear of this whole ordeal.” He took a deep breath and sighed as he yawned before looking at Finn, “and I’ll go to the reunion. Someone has to make sure you have a house to go home too because crashing on my couch wouldn’t exactly be the most comfortable for you. We should get some sleep though.”

Once Blaine had gone, Finn closed his eyes tight and wondered if the room would ever really stop spinning. It had been a really, really long time since he’d been this drunk. It wasn’t even that he was sorry, it was just…he was so drunk. He was glad he’d texted Blaine because if he was still at the bar, he definitely wouldn’t have been able to do anything. He just felt so heavy; he was sad for himself, sad for his wife, sad for his friend…he was sad. And maybe drinking wasn’t smart ‘cause he didn’t feel less sad. He just felt more sick and more spinny and more like he wasn’t gonna fall asleep any time soon. He wondered, though, if Blaine really needed his rest. It seemed like he might if he was that sick. And thinking of Blaine being sick made Finn feel sick waves of sympathy he was too emotionally exhausted to push away.

He just nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure it isn’t gonna be awesome but I’m here for you, for whatever you need. Whenever you need it, no questions asked, man. Okay?” He accepted the pillow and blankets and laid down on Blaine’s couch

He sighed a little as Blaine talked about all that was ahead now. Somehow, it seemed more important than what he had to deal with. He did not mind the chance to take the focus off himself for a while. Not that Blaine being sick was a project or anything, but it just…he selfishly liked feeling like he was needed. Like someone even wanted him around or helping with something. He didn’t feel powerless or alone.

“Yeah. Well, I think it’d probably be good but if you want to or not is your business. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be coping with it the same way. Except I don’t really like gin.” He was totally aware he was mumbling into the pillow and Blaine could probably only sort of hear him. ”Thanks for coming to get me and letting me crash and just…I’m sorry I’m such a mess. G’night, Blaine.”

"G'night Finn. We have a long day tomorrow."

Chapter Text

Blaine walked into the reunion and swallowed nervously. The last 48 hours had been insanity. Between flying into Dayton, spending time with his grandmother, and dealing with arrangements for the following week, he was already exhausted, on the verge of having a migraine, and stressing out about seeing Kurt again. He stepped into the bathroom for a moment, looked down at his jeans and messenger bag before smoothing his shirt out then heading back into the hallway head down.

Kurt was a mess, but he was as ready as he would ever be. He refrained from texting Rachel and in a bold grown up moment walked into the school alone. He waited outside the door of the gym a moment, trying to pull himself together when someone paying obviously less attention slammed into him. He looked up startled and found himself staring right at Blaine. He took a hasty step back and tried to smile and failed. ‘Blaine,” he says softly.

“Kurt,” Blaine said hastily as his gut clenched. The soft smile and Kurt’s saying his name made him nervous and he felt a need to run away, go think, but all he could do was smile softly at him, “hey sorry. I’ll see you inside.” He continued to walk down the hall and took in a few breaths before sliding into a table that was big enough for him, Kurt, Rachel, and Finn.

Kurt watched Blaine’s retreat, still stunned. Finally he was able to pull himself together and walk into the reunion. He saw Rachel and hurried to her, needing the comfort of her presence. ”I just saw him,” he breathed as she pulled him into a tight hug, and put her hands on either side of his face and smiled, “go talk to him, this is just as nerve racking for him is at is you. You forget I still talk to you both.” He nodded and headed over sliding into the table across from Blaine, “Hi,” Kurt says, trying to make it sound casual.

Blaine smiled weakly at Kurt before reaching into the messenger bag and taking out two gallon bags of chocolate chip cookies, “Nana Dot sent me with these.” Kurt took one look at the cookies and needed to leave. He hated being such a drama queen, but he can’t have one of those cookies, he can’t. He’ll actually cry and then the whole night will be ruined. Instead he pushes his chair back and flashes Rachel a quick smile. “I need a drink,” he tells her. Then he’s gone.

Finn walked in shortly after, and slid into the seat next to Blaine. He twirled the straw in his drink with a sigh. If life could be a series of awkward this would most likely be that moment. “Hey,” he said softly as he turned a breathed a soft sigh of relief when he saw Rachel come towards him. She bent down whispered something in his ear about needing help with things in the car, and he made a lousy excuse to protest, however she drug him out anyway leaving an even more awkward silence in their wake.

Blaine took another few moments before he pulled his phone out of his pocket and rolled his fingers over the contact list. He clicked at the screen that held Kurt’s name. He had never been able to delete his number, and if this would maybe break some tension he was up for anything. He swallowed hard before sending Kurt a message ‘look I know this is weird, but you should know that I want to talk to you.’ He slid the phone back in his pockets as his stomach turned in knots. Whether its a side effect of the alcohol, lack of food, or nerves he’s not sure so he stands up to stretch. He feels bad for upsetting Kurt and weighs the options for leaving against the options for staying.

Kurt’s phone beeped. Thinking it might be Rachel he looked down, but it’s Blaine. His eyes flit over to the table as he takes his drink. Blaine looks… terrible. But he wants to talk, and that’s… that’s more than Kurt was expecting. He decided it’s time to stop being such a coward. Who knew when he’d have a chance like this again? He slipped back into his seat, and sipped his drink. He noticed Finn and Rachel’s absence but thinks that it’s probably the best, and turned to Blaine, “I want to talk to you too,” he admits softly.

Blaine smiled as he heard Kurt’s words. He looked up to Kurt’s gaze and sighed as 2 years of regret and missed opportunity push on his chest. He feels’ like he’s drowning in the ache, but just as the ache is almost to much, he looked up, “I’ve missed you.”

It’s that moment that Kurt’s throat clenched for a moment before he can speak. Oh god, he thought, but speaks the opposite because as much as it hurt’s it’s still so good just to talk to Blaine after so long, “I’ve missed you too.”

Blaine let out a sigh of relief. His lungs burned and he let out a soft cough, before whispering, ”I’m sorry for everything that happened. I should have at least talked to you,” he looked at the door hoping they wouldn’t get an interruption as he sipped at his drink, “I didn’t want to come, and now that I’m here all I can keep thinking is what if, and that Finn and Rachel are going to end up like us.”

Kurt sighed as he looked at Blaine, “I’m sorry too! I was… I was awful, Blaine.” Kurt’s eyes followed Blaine’s to the door and his heart aches just that much more. “They’re breaking their own hearts and there’s nothing I can do except be there for them and hope they can figure things out,” he sighs. “I guess we’re in the same position when it comes to them.”

Blaine nodded and frowned as he sipped his beer. Kurt looked good, thinner more muscular. His skin glowed, and he looked happy. He didn’t want to know if he was seeing anyone, and he knew about the show so he turned to small talk., “you look good like the show is treating you well.”

Kurt hid the little rush of pleasure he gets from the compliment in his drink, which he took a long swig of. He could lie and say Blaine looks good too, and for the heart sore eyes that have missed him everyday, he does look good, but healthwise? Not so much. “You look… tired, which sounds terrible, but…” he bites his lip. He’s not going to betray Finn’s trust, he’s not. But he wants to ask.

Blaine sighs deeply, “Yes I am.” He doesn’t really want to tell Kurt what’s going on though he knows it’s obvious he isn’t well. He swallows, “Yeah it’s been an interesting trip this time, and the last few weeks have been insanity.” It wasn’t a lie, most of the tired was a combination of stress and worry for this trip but also for his health and dealing with the lectures from his family that he shouldn’t have traveled, “I’ve been working overtime, trying to finish up a few things in studio, and you know how coming back to Lima gives me the usual family crap.”

Kurt nodded. He understood family crap and friend crap and work stress. He hated for Blaine to be under any extra pressure right now, since his health was… well whatever it was. “I’m sorry, I hope you get a chance to rest while you’re here,” Kurt said sincerely.

Blaine nodded, “Yeah. I’m staying with mom tonight or getting hotel. I haven’t really decided.” Blaine sighed and took another sip of his beer, “I wouldn’t mind getting out of here. Maybe we could go catch up. Somewhere away from the high school gym.”

Kurt felt his pulse speed up at the idea of leaving with Blaine. Maybe this could work, maybe they could be friends. Yeah, he really would like to get away from the gym and the crowd before anyone else could find him. “I think I’d like that,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Blaine smiles and nods as he finishes his beer, “any ideas?”

Kurt says, “Well, it’s sort of nice out, how do you feel about a stroll down to the field? for old time’s sake?”

Blaine smiled at Kurt, “that sounds good.” He stood up to go, and is suddenly dizzy from a combination of alcohol, pain, and stress. He holds the table to steady himself for a brief moment and tries to laugh it off, “I must have had too much to drink.”

Kurt felt his smile slip as he watched Blaine stumble. could he really have had too much to drink? How long has he been here? “We don’t have to go to the field,” Kurt offered slowly. “We can be inside somewhere, with chairs and air conditioning.”

Blaine closed his eyes a moment longer before nodding, “Sounds good why don’t I get a room at the the Holiday Inn. I can tell mom it was late and I didn’t feel like driving out to Westerville. We can visit awhile and you can go back to your dad’s.”

Kurt swallowed his nerves. They would talk it would be fine, and also he thought it might be good to let Blaine rest. “Sure, we can do that. I’ll text Rachel and Finn.” He pulled out his phone and shot them both the message in case they weren’t actually together. He really hoped they were though. “I’ll follow you,” Kurt said, standing. He was nervous but only because he wasn’t exactly sure how to be alone with Blaine after all this time. He shot Blaine a small smile, probably the first one he’d had all night. Then he headed out to the parking, got in his car and watched as Blaine did the same. He turned the radio up really loud and sang along to drown out all the thoughts whirring around in his mind.
I’ll meet you there,” Blaine called as he got into his rental. The drive to the Holiday Inn was quiet and comfortable. He was tired, his chest hurt, and he probably should just sleep. The reunion wasn’t all that great with Finn and Rachel disappearing but on the plus side he was about to sit down and talk with Kurt. He didn’t know what to say, but he knew he had to tell him the truth. He pulled into the parking lot and got out and shut the door and smiled as he saw him pull up, “Ready to go in?”

Kurt hopped out of his car, nerves twisting. “Yep,” he said. Alone with Blaine. The idea was just so far out there, yet here they were, walking in together like it was just another night. “Was your trip okay?” he asked as they walked through the lobby.

He nodded, “it was okay. Things have been interesting.” Blaine placed his credit card on the counter and checked in. He adjusted his suitcase and sighed, “I’ll have to tell you more upstairs though.” He looked to Kurt and thought about it as he pressed the button on the elevator. Kurt nodded. He hoped Blaine would talk to him about it, whatever it was. He’d been so worried thinking about Blaine ever since Finn let it slip about the surgery. Once up to the bedroom Blaine dropped the bag on the luggage rack and sighed before sliding off his shoes and collapsing onto the closest bed. He was really just worn out, tired, and in desperate need of decent sleep something he hadn’t had in awhile. He leaned back against the pillows, “so what have you been up to besides the show.”

Kurt sank down into one of the plush chairs across from the bed. He felt just a little bit bad for keeping Blaine up when he looked like he might pass out at any second. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t really late. Blaine was tired, obviously so, and Kurt couldn’t help but worry about what was going on with him. It was sort of frightening, really, so Kurt concentrated on the strange pattern of the bedspreads and Blaine’s voice and he let himself just be present right now. Blaine wanted to talk and Kurt wasn’t about to say no to that. It felt like the chance of a lifetime and Kurt was hanging on to it with everything he had.

“I’ve really not been up to anything besides the show,” he began. “Well, okay I got a new place finally. I’ve only been there about six months now.” Just six months. Somedays that six months seemed like a lifetime, other days it seemed like no time at all. Kurt leaned back and crossed his legs. “What about you?” he tried not to sound nervous when he asked it. He wanted so desperately to get to the part where Blaine told him whatever it was that was going on with him, but he couldn’t be sure that’s what they were going to talk about and he couldn’t push Blaine into it either. Just being here was too important. So he tried to keep his questions vague enough to sound plausible. “ I know about your EP, should we be expecting anything new any time soon?”

Blaine shook his head and sighed, “Not for awhile no.” He didn’t really know how to tell him about the cancer without treating it like ripping the bandaid off an open wound. It was serious that much was certain, but as far as staging, prognosis, he wouldn’t know any of that until after the surgery. He coughed and sucked in more air in a nervous moment, “Things are about to get really weird with me,” he said honestly.

Kurt’s heart sank at Blaine’s words. Weird didn’t sound good at all, especially not in the tone of voice Blaine used. The worry that had been sitting just under the surface of Kurt’s skin tightened all through him making it difficult to stay seated calmly across from Blaine. Were they there already? Was Blaine about to tell him about this surgery that was about to happen? “Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt asked. He wasn’t aware of moving, but he was leaning forward just a little bit, somehow still fighting the urge to reach out for Blaine. “We don’t have to, it’s just... you know, we could…” Kurt was amazed that his voice didn’t reveal any more than a normal amount of concern. He could feel a tremor starting in his hands and he clasped them together tightly to control it while he waited for Blaine to answer.

Blaine sat up and sighed as he looked at his feet. He didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know how to tell the one person he had always loved that he could be dying especially not now when things between them were fresh, possibly on the verge of reconciliation, but if he wanted a chance of gaining back Kurt’s trust and fixing their friendship he needed to. He wrung his hands against his knees, “Nana’s coming to New York for a bit because I have surgery next week.” This was it, this was what Finn had mentioned. Kurt’s hands closed even more tightly together, wringing against his knee. He still kept his voice somewhat calm as he asked, “What do you need the surgery for?” He didn’t ask this time if it was alright to ask, he assumed that’s where the conversation was going. If Blaine didn’t want to talk about it then he would say so.

Blaine felt his chest clench again. How could he do this without just ripping off the bandaid. There wasn’t any real way to do it so he turned to look at Kurt and sighed, “testicular cancer.”

Kurt’s eyes burned. He wouldn’t cry dammit, but cancer? What the hell could he say to that? Why, why did it have to be cancer? It was the worst of his secret fears made reality. Kurt’s hands were literally shaking and he knew his face must register his shock and concern. He needed to say something, anything. He needed to stop staring at Blaine, and now the floor, and just speak up already. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted weakly. Alright so he was going to be really honest apparently. “I’m so sorry, is it wrong to say I’m sorry? God Blaine,” his voice trembled there at the end and he bit back the tears that were welling in his eyes. Shit, he didn’t want to cry. He wasn’t the one with the fucking cancer! Kurt’s hands finally unclasped and he went to cover his face with them.

Blaine watched Kurt’s face as he noticed the unshed tears. He was so full of emotion for him, and Blaine knew where he belonged. He kicked off his shoes, giving him just a few more moments, then motioned for him to join him on the bed, “C'mere. It’s okay to cry. I’ve been doing it enough for two weeks.”

That was all it took. The floodgates opened and Kurt was crying openly before he reached the bed. He sat a little clumsily next to Blaine in his haste, but he didn’t care. Kurt tugged Blaine against him, squeezing him close and burying his face in Blaine’s hair. “Blaine,” he sobbed. He was terrified and he couldn’t think. The world needed Blaine, he needed Blaine. And cancer... Kurt didn’t know much about this specific type of cancer, but he knew it was something to be afraid of. It killed people. Young healthy people who caught it early and fought it hard, and now it was inside Blaine.

Blaine pulled Kurt close as his own eyes filled with tears. It was just so much relief and yet still so painful. He couldn’t think straight. His rational thoughts were gone, and before he realized it his body was reacting to Kurt’s touch feeling completely whole again. In a lot of ways he could feel his spirits lift, and before he could even think his lips were brushing gently against Kurt’s, “I’m so sorry for everything I should have fought harder for us.”

Kurt was clinging to Blaine now, as though holding on to him now could keep him safe and could make up for the fact he’d ever let him go. His hands framed Blaine’s face as Blaine brushed a kiss against his mouth. “Blaine, no, that’s the past, and you, you couldn’t have known, because… it was me. I should have fought. I … god all this time I let you think I cheated on you, but Blaine, I never did. I was just too angry to tell you. And later I let my pride stop me, and Blaine -” he kissed Blaine again, softly, tears still streaming down his cheeks.
Blaine listened to Kurt talk as he pressed another soft kiss against his lips. His whole body ached to be held and he just pulled him closer as his fingers framed his face pressing them tighter together, “I know. I know you never cheated. Why do you think I’m so guilty too.” He kissed him again, and pulled him closer breathing him in. “I need you in my life,” he whispered, “so much.” He felt like his whole chest was on fire and love was just spilling out, “I know. I’ve known.” He pulled him a little closer and sighed, “will you stay tonight.”

For Kurt, kissing Blaine again was like breathing after being underwater for a long time. He didn’t even know how much he’d been missing it because he’d worked so hard to stuff those feelings away. He ignored the ache until it was a dull roar in the back of his mind and now he felt like his chest was breaking open. Now his tears were slowing and at least half of them were happy. God how could he possibly feel happy right now? “It’s okay, it is, I’m just glad you know.” He stopped when he heard Blaine’s words. He didn’t know how to handle everything he was feeling but he knew he didn't want to leave Blaine. He couldn’t right now. “Yes,” he said softly into Blaine’s hair. “If that’s what you want,” he added, because he would leave if Blaine asked. he would do anything Blaine asked right now. I still love you, he thought.

Blaine nodded as he took in a harsh breath and curled against Kurt, “I don’t want you to leave again. Not right now, not ever. I still love you and need you, especially now. It’s always been you.”

Kurt felt his body shudder at Blaine’s words. “I love you Blaine, it’s always been you too. I’ll stay, I’m staying.” Kurt’s arms tugged Blaine closer still, hands rubbing softly at his arms and back, just needing the feel of him in his arms. “I need you too,” his voice a rough whisper.

The roughness of Kurt’s whispered words caused Blaine to tremble slightly and wrap his arms around him. He leaned in for another gentle kiss that quickly turned heated as he pressed his tongue into Kurt’s mouth and shifted to where they were lying completely side by side, “I love you so much.”

This was home, Blaine’s kisses, the feel of him and the taste of him. Kurt slid down on the bed with him, never letting him move back very far, and kissed him, opening up to his tongue, a soft needy sound escaping his throat. “Love you, Blaine, I love you,” he pressed little kisses around Blaine’s mouth.

Blaine whimpered slightly as Kurt moaned low in his throat and let out his own needy whine. He needed him in this moment, but he couldn’t do this and just walk away, and there was so much to discuss. He slid his hand down Kurt’s chest and stopped at his jeans, “where do you want this to go?”

Kurt pulled back far enough that he could see Blaine’s expression. Suddenly he was afraid. He wanted Blaine, he needed him, and god he’d never stopped loving him, but what if Blaine wasn’t interested in getting back together? He’d said everything Kurt had, but there was that little nugget of fear in the bad of Kurt’s mind. Now wasn’t really the best time, was it? “I love you, I’d like… I’d like whatever chance you’re willing to give me.” Kurt pulled back just a little further, his mind whirring and chaotic. “Where do you want it to go, Blaine?” he asked carefully.

Blaine felt tears threaten, “I want you. I want to make love to you, show you how much I have missed you, because Kurt what if in a week I can’t feel those things anymore?” He slipped his hand up Kurt’s shirt, “I’m crazy I know that.”

“You aren’t crazy. You’re not. Blaine, I want you, I want everything, god, I …” his voice choked off and refused to work free. “Make love to me,” he finally managed, his voice rough with emotion.

Blaine nodded and began to run his fingers against Kurt’s skin. He kissed him gently at first and then more heated as his thoughts went directly from everything and to how much he needed all of this.

Kurt deepened the kiss after only a moment, and threw himself into this kiss. The others had been soft and careful, but this one is full of all his longing and passion everything he’s kept such tight control of for the past couple of years. It’s not rough by any means, but it’s deep, his tongue dancing around Blaine’s. His arms wrapped Blaine back up tight as he moans softly into Blaine’s mouth.

***

Blaine hadn’t expected to speak to Kurt much less bring him back to the hotel he was staying at in Lima, but here he was clinging to his ex boyfriend as he clung to him. It had been almost instantaneous the melt down. The words testicular cancer followed by lips pressing together amongst salty tears. Kurt still loved him, and he still loved Kurt. They needed one another, and Blaine wasn’t going to lose this now or ever again. He couldn’t afford too. Kurt was his soulmate. Make love to me. The words were soft and whispered against Blaine’s lips. He had never wanted that more than he did right now. He wanted to feel and he wanted to heal this relationship. He smiled and nodded as he slowly began unbuttoning the buttons on Kurt’s dress shirt as he kissed him again softly. “I love you, and I want you,” Blaine whispered as he began to kiss and suck each inch of Kurt’s skin as he slowly peeled his shirt aside and worked his way down to his jeans.

Yes. Oh god, yes. Kurt didn’t give Blaine much room to work with as he pushed aside button after button until his shirt fell open. He couldn’t. he didn’t want to ever stop touching Blaine again. How he’d survived this long without the man he loved was a mystery, but Kurt was sure it had to do with how meticulous he’d been about locking away his heart and his needs and desires. Even his very soul. Now they were here and despite everything going on with Blaine, they were in each others arms again. Kurt could barely move back two inches. He did decide that clothes were in the way, and began helping Blaine by rolling back and peeling off his jeans. When that was done he rolled back and began working on Blaine’s clothes, kissing each bit of skin as it was revealed much the same way Blaine had. Blaine was so familiar under his hands and lips that it made Kurt feel as though he might cry all over again, but he managed not to, swooping in and claiming Blaine’s mouth in another slow, deep kiss.

“Mmm,” Blaine hummed under Kurt’s touch. He had missed this, and not just the sex but Kurt. His skin felt on fire as Kurt rolled away long enough to pull off his jeans and roll back towards him. His whole body trembled at the press of his naked body against his as nimble fingers slowly began to undress him. Blaine felt the tears collecting in his eyes. He needed this night. He needed to love, be loved, and feel anything but hurt and pain. He gently moved away from Kurt and peeled his own jeans off before pressing back against him. “I love you so much Kurt,” he whispered against his ear as he slipped his tongue against the skin there, “I need you and I want you to let me love you.” He trembled again as he noticed Kurt’s unshed tears. He claimed his mouth in another slow deep kiss and pressed his hands against him, “roll over on your stomach.”

“Yes,” he sighed. Kurt rolled onto his stomach, settling there, a heady mix of familiar comfort, fear for Blaine’s health, and pure desire hummed under his skin. It made him want to stay here in this bed with Blaine for the rest of their lives. To stretch out this one moment where Blaine was here and alive and touching him and loving him, forever. He knew that was crazy, Blaine would have to face whatever he had to face, but it was too frightening to think about just then. right now he was giving his body to Blaine, Blaine had always had his heart and soul.

Blaine sighed as he ran his hands down Kurt’s skin. God he had missed this so much. He just wanted all of him. He leaned down and pressed soft gentle kisses to his neck and back before kneading the knots out of tense muscles and kissing him again softly on the lips. He slowly made his way down Kurt’s body as he felt him tremble. He could sense his fears, see them in his eyes, and he wanted nothing but to comfort him. He gently continued to kiss down his body before brushing his hand gently along his hips, “raise up on your knees,” he whispered, “I want to lick you.”

Kurt climbed slowly to his knees. He let his shoulders remain on the mattress, his head on the pillow. He remembered all those years ago, when they’d first begin exploring each others bodies. When another boy’s hand on his cock was a novelty and Blaine had shown him sweetness at each new step. He cherished those memories, relished in the thought that he’d met his soulmate when he was so young and they’d learned almost everything together. Now, Blaine was older, so much more experienced, they both were, but nothing could take his gentility away. Even when they’d fucked like rabbits before, he’d always managed to sneak in little kisses to reassure Kurt that he was loved, that he was cherish, and that he was needed. He was the same now, soothing Kurt’s skin with his lips and hands. Giving himself to Kurt in greater depth than any other lover had ever managed. Kurt wanted to give him everything.

Blaine watched as Kurt shifted to his knees and kept his head and shoulders on the bed and pillow. It was almost as if he was presenting himself, and leaving himself wide open to him. Blaine couldn’t help but think he looked slightly nervous, almost like the way he had when they were learning together, but that could have just been memories. Blaine moaned low in his throat at the thought of touching him again, tasting him, making love to him. Kurt had aged well. He was still a picture of grace and eloquence. Though the recent stress was showing on his features he was still just as beautiful if not more so than when they met. Blaine wanted to be his partner and his lover. He wanted to show him that he was the only one for him. That the last two years had been a split over miscommunication, lack of maturity, and just plain stupidity, but he smiled as he positioned himself between Kurt’s legs and kissed softly down his ass. He shifted his hands and stroked his cock gently before sucking at his balls, “tell me how it feels babe.”

Kurt made a strangled noise in his throat. Blaine still knew exactly how he liked it, how he needed to be touched. His fist was hot, loosely gripped around Kurt’s dick and his mouth was hotter still on his balls. ”Ooh, fuck, Blaine,” Kurt stuck his ass up higher, his head rolling on the pillow. “It feels-” he sucked in another breath, trying to find the words. ”So good, fuck, yes!” It was impossible not to think about how Blaine’s mouth felt on his cock considering he knew the feeling so intimately. He ached for that now, but he wanted everything, anything. As long as Blaine didn’t stop touching him.

Blaine smiled at the sounds Kurt made. He always knew how to touch him to please him, and the small whimpers went straight to his cock. He shifted up slightly as Kurt raised his ass giving him more room to touch him and lick him. Blaine smiled at Kurt’s words he knew what he was doing by taking Kurt like this. He guided him over onto his back and removed his hand from his cock before taking it in his mouth and humming gently around it.

Kurt rolled over, guided By gentle caresses. Then Blaine’s mouth was on him and Kurt felt tears prick at his eyes again. He wiped them away before Blaine could notice and then he let his hands move to smooth over Blaine’s hair, to run through, brushing slowly even as his hips began to twitch. He couldn’t look away now, he didn’t even try. Blaine was so fucking beautiful. His lips stretching over Kurt’s length and Kurt had to caress his cheeks, running his thumbs over his stretched jaws.

As Blaine ran his hands along Kurt’s hips and sucked his cock he felt overwhelmed. Part of him was screaming to run that this was fake and all a dream, but the other part of him wanted to stay close, make love and never let go. He smiled as Kurt caressed his cheeks. Kurt always knew how to love him, touch him, and make him feel whole. Blaine pulled off his cock for a few moments and sighed. He reached in the side table and grabbed some lube, and grabbed his wallet for the condom. He handed the foil packet to Kurt and smiled as he slipped a lubed finger into him, “put it on me.”

His cock throbbed and Kurt was seconds away from begging Blaine to stop. They’d not been at this long but the pleasure mixed with their reconciliation meant that Kurt had no stamina whatsoever. Thankfully Blaine was of the same mind and pulled off. Kurt took the condom from him, ripping into the foil. It had been a long time since they’d made love, but even longer since they’d used a condom. he didn’t let that bother him though, all that meant right now was that Blaine loved him and wanted him safe. Kurt felt the same way so he rolled the condom over Blaine’s cock and squeezed gently, slipping his hand up and down slowly as Blaine pressed another finger into him. ”I need you inside me,” he whispered.

Blaine nodded as he pressed a third finger into Kurt as he rolled the condom on. It was weird to be using a condom with Kurt. They hadn’t used them for at least 2 years before they split up, but Blaine wanted Kurt safe. He wanted both of them safe. Once the condom was securely on, and he had opened Kurt up he lubed his erection and slowly pushed into him. He filled him all the way and waited as he adjusted against the intrusion. Blaine smiled after a few moments and whispered, “I love you,” as he began slowly rocking his hips against Kurt.

Kurt’s hands traveled slowly up Blaine’s arms and over his shoulder blades as he sank into him. He moaned softly, looking up into Blaine’s eyes. ”I love you, too” he whispered. Then he wrapped his arms around Blaine tighter and pulled him into a kiss, legs twining around Blaine’s, hips rocking up. It was everything he remembered it as, but there was an added layer of depth. As he they both understood that this was more than just a reconciliation, it was life affirming too. Kurt clung to Blaine, kissing over his shoulder, sucking at whatever part of his neck he could reach. He felt full, and the pleasure bubbled up inside him, curling his toes and making him whimper.

Blaine hummed as Kurt pulled him down into a kiss and his legs and arms wrapped around him. He felt so whole, so complete in this moment. This was definitely more than a reconciliation this was affirming their love and lives together. Blaine sped the pace a bit and changed the angle to graze and tease Kurt’s prostate. He whimpered as Kurt rocked up into his strokes and bit into his neck gently. He needed all of Kurt.
There was no way for Kurt to keep kissing Blaine as he moved faster and faster still. His head fell back onto his pillow, eyes threatening to close or to roll back. He fought that. He was determined to watch as Blaine came apart at the seams. It had been too long and he wanted the look on Blaine’s face branded in his mind. He felt like he needed that, would need it in the weeks and months to come. Blaine was sliding against his prostate, causing him to cry out, and Kurt wasn’t even trying to be quiet now. With his cock trapped between their stomachs, Kurt was getting all the stimulation he could handle and then some. Kurt wrapped his legs higher up, around Blaine’s waist, and the new angle nearly undid him. He was close, warmth was pooling in his belly, tingling out into his limbs. ”I’m so close,” he whispered.

“You’re perfect,” Blaine moaned out as Kurt wrapped his legs higher around his waist and pulled him in. He was falling apart slowly and watched as Kurt did the same. He looked down as Kurt fought to keep his eyes open. The blue was clouded in lust though still beautiful and loving as they darted over his features and took him in. His moans and cries of pleasure pulled at Blaine to speed up. He could feel the warmth pooling in his own belly as he rocked against Kurt and cried out, “Come with me.”

Kurt came an instant later, his lips seeking Blaine’s though it was impossible to do more than press open mouth kisses as he fell right over the edge. He clung tight to Blaine, his fingers raking a tiny bit at Blaine’s shoulder, urging him along with him. ”Blaine,” he whimpered.

A moment was all it took for Blaine to fall right over the edge clinging to Kurt. His hips jerked and his body relaxed completely against Kurt’s as their tongues tangled together loosely, but a sudden fear gripped at his heart and he clung to Kurt like his life depended on himm, “Don’t leave,” he whispered as he pulled at Kurt and clung to him even tighter, “I need you now more than ever. I love you.”

“I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere,” Kurt said between kisses. ”I love you so much Blaine.” He ran his hands up and down Blaine’s back, swiping at the dampness gathered in the dip of his lower back and across his neck. ”I wouldn’t say no to a shower, though,” he teased softly. He let his fingers rake through Blaine’s damp curls, swiping them back from where they were plastered against his forehead. ”But maybe that can wait too,” he said. Then he kissed Blaine’s forehead and pulled him down so that his head was pillowed on Kurt’s chest.

Blaine chuckled lightly at the shower comment and sighed, “Later. I just want to hold you close.” Blaine curled against Kurt as he kissed his forehead and closed his eyes. This had turned out to be a pretty amazing reunion.

Chapter Text

Blaine say out in the front of Burt’s and Carole’s just waiting for a moment. Tonight was family dinner. As the two had showered that morning and addressed the whole issues of their relationship, defined what they were and decided to start over Kurt had invited him to dinner. The first one in two years. Blaine sat and cleared his thoughts before sending Kurt a text message. Are you sure I should be here. I don’t want to cause tension.

Kurt stopped in the middle of his salad making to check his phone and text Blaine back. I want you here. You’re not causing anyone tension, but if you don’t want to be here, I can understand that too. I miss you already. I’m sorry I should have called you earlier and just said that.

Blaine smiled and texted back. He could do this. I’m outside. I’m walking up the steps now. I just watched Finn and Rachel walk inside. I feel like hell and probably look just as bad. He pushed the car open and walked up to the steps and knocked a moment before waiting. He normally would have just walked in, but today was different.

Kurt read his text and sighed softly. Blaine didn’t have to be here, and Kurt hated to think he was somehow forcing him. Especially after everything that was happening between them. He wanted Blaine to feel supported and cared for not stressed out and harried. He tucked away his phone, fixed a smile on his face and headed out to say hi to Finn and Rachel. He noted their linked hands and told himself for the hundredth time to just play along. It wasn’t his business really when and how they chose to deal with anything. He knew today was for the family, so he waited his turn and then he pulled Rachel into a quick hug. “You look beautiful,” he whispered in her ear. She did too. Even though he knew she must be on the verge of a breakdown, she looked perfectly put together on the outside. Then he smiled at Finn. “Dinner’s almost ready,” he said. His eyes flitted to the door, waiting for Blaine.

Blaine smiled as his eyes met Kurt’s from the porch, “hey.” He kissed him on the cheek lightly before looking into the living area and seeing Rachel and Finn. He didn’t want to seem avoiding, but he knew the situation was tense. He yawned slightly and sighed, “I hope I don’t look too bad.

Kurt reached for and squeezed Blaine’s hands. “You look perfect to me,” he said. Not quite a lie really. He looked tired like he had before, but he was Blaine and he was here and all Kurt could see was the man he loved and was so very worried for. “Come on in, I think the others are saying hi to Dad and Carole now,” Kurt let go of Blaine’s hands and led him inside. Then he closed the door behind them and smiled at Blaine one more time before leading him into where the others were. “so that’s everyone,” he said, trying to sound light. He caught the look in his dad’s eyes. He’d known Blaine was invited but already he was trying to work out what had changed. Kurt was worried for all of them at this point. With his dad on the case, no one was safe.

Blaine watched as Rachel followed Carole into the dining room. It was obvious that she was upset and this was going to be incredibly rough on her. She had been keeping this painful secret for such a long time. He looked to Kurt after a moment and followed. He felt Burt’s eyes on him, and wondered about whether or not he was trying to either figure out why he was here or why he looked like he might fall over from exhaustion, but the look was indistinct. He sighed and wrapped an arm around Rachel and smiled at her, “Hey.”

Kurt felt his heart in his throat. They’d not even sat down yet and already the tension in the room was mounting. He trailed along quietly into the kitchen and grabbed the first thing he saw that needed to be carried out to the table. Finn was there setting out the plates and Kurt began transporting the food and even though they worked quietly, Kurt shot a smile of support to Finn. It seemed like Blaine had Rachel for the time being so that was good. Burt took his spot at the table before they were even done, and dinner went on.

Blaine squeezed Rachel’s hand softly before sinking into the chair across from her. He wanted to help her escape, but he knew he couldn’t. He followed along with the charade, just continuing with dinner before a wave of dizziness hit him and he closed his eyes. He really felt terrible all of a sudden, and the stress of the situation wasn’t helping. He stood up and excused himself to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face before sitting in silence for a few moments.

Kurt watched Blaine as he left the table and he had to fight to keep in his seat. He wanted to run after him, ask if he was okay, obviously he wasn’t but… he wanted to tell him it was okay to leave or lie down or just anything other than sit at that table and pretend they were all happy. Suddenly the whole thing was starting to feel like a bit too much, and he was angry feeling. Not at any particular person but at the situation. He wished they could just laugh and be together but this was a farce, really. He drank down his diet coke in almost one gulp and then answered some questions his dad asked about work and how he was liking his place. All the while he felt sure the room was moments from an explosion.

Blaine stood up and sighed before slumping back down onto the toilet seat. Coming to Lima had been a terrible idea. The doctor had even suggested he not take the trip because of the stress, but he didn’t listen. He was thankful he hadn’t because he was able to reconcile with Kurt but he didn’t really want to go back out to the party because he felt Burt’s eyes on him along with Carole’s. It was obvious to those who hadn’t seen him in years that he was tired, overworked, and sick. He sighed again as he pulled out his phone and sent Kurt a text, ‘I’m sick. I need you. I’m in the hall bathroom.”

“Dad did you say something about getting a driver for when you’re in Washington? Is that really something you do now?” He stuffed a big bite of tomato in his mouth and chewed. God this was really the most ridiculous night. Maybe they could keep his dad talking about unimportant issues and give everyone else a break. Kurt felt like an asshole sitting here so upset. It’s not as if any of it were happening to him. No, just the people he loved most in this world. That’s when his phone chirped quietly. He read the message and then took another bite. “Be right back,” he promised. He slipped out of the room but not before he shot Finn and Rachel a look that he hoped told them exactly where he was going.

Blaine looked up at Kurt when the door popped open and he slid down on the floor next to him, “I can’t take the stress. It’s killing me.” He sighed and closed his eyes tiredly, “I should lay down and you should tell Burt and Carole everything. Tell them we’re back together, and about the cancer. It’s not going to be long before we have to anyway, and it might take some of the pressure off Rachel and Finn.” He leaned his head over on Kurt’s shoulder and sighed, “I’m sorry I’m such a drag.”

Kurt pulled Blaine against him. “Can I drive you back to the hotel or do you just want to climb into my bed? You’re not going back to that table, and yes I will handle everything, I promise. I love you Blaine.” he kissed the top of Blaine’s head and fought back the need to hold this man and cry all over again.

Blaine let Kurt help him upstairs to bed before he leaned over to him and kissed his cheek. He could hear the yelling coming from downstairs, and it really was about time it came to a full head and exploded in the room. He could only imagine what would have happened to him if he had still been down there. He brushed his hand one more time over Kurt’s and whispered, “go pull focus,” before closing his eyes and dozing off.

It was after Kurt tucked Blaine into bed gently before kissing his forehead one last time that things got bad. He heard the crying and screaming from downstairs, and knew that Rachel and Finn had finally exploded, facing their marital issues and loss head on at the dinner table, and it was time to face the music. Literally. He headed down the stairs, approaching the dining room with caution. While he wasn’t about to interrupt, he wanted to be on hand if he was needed. for parental distraction maybe, or to drive either Finn or Rachel somewhere. He rested his hand on the wall on the edge of the room and took in the scene before him as Finn stormed out and left without Rachel.

Blaine resigned to not sleeping after a few moments. He might feel like crap, but the screaming from downstairs followed by the door closing, footsteps on the stairs and Rachel’s crying were enough to pull him out of it to go investigate. Once in the doorway of the living room he looked at Kurt before nodding at him that he was okay and taking Rachel in his arms.

Kurt just stayed put where he was. He felt sure that if Rachel needed to leave, she would say so, but just maybe what she needed more was to be able to get this off her chest. He hoped so, he hoped it gave her even the tiniest bit of relief. “I know that’s how you feel, I do,” he whispered, still stroking her hair. He glanced up at Blaine in the doorway and he felt the first tears start to prickle his eyes. Nope, he wasn’t crying. Not right now. later, preferably tucked into bed with Blaine asleep in his arms. Then he could cry, right now he just stayed by his friend.

**

Kurt knew it wasn’t going to be easy to tell his dad and Carole about Blaine. It was going to get rougher still when he explained that they were back together. Kurt knew he was still young in their eyes, but he was smart. he knew what he was doing, jumping back in with Blaine. When he’d weighed the options, and he had, he just couldn’t justify waiting to see what happened with Blaine’s health. After two years of hurt, Kurt wasn’t going to waste another minute of his life being apart from Blaine and no one could tell him otherwise.

The timing was bad. He knew that too. In the aftermath of a rough family dinner that had revealed Finn and Rachel’s marital struggles and miscarriage, it was going to be hard to deliver more bad news, but what choice did he have? This was happening right now and Blaine wanted them to know. Kurt wanted them to know too. Whatever else happened, Blaine would need all the support he could get, and really, so would he.

They sat in the living room, and Carole took Burt’s hand before Kurt could say anything. They were worried, and really, they were right to be worried. It made Kurt feel young and nervous, but he took a deep breath any way. His dad jumped in before he could start.

“What’s this about, Kurt. Is this about Finn and Rachel, because last night you were pretty clear about not getting involved,” he said.

“No, dad, it’s not. It’s about Blaine.” Kurt told them.

“Oh, well, you don’t have to tell us you’re back together with him, I think it was pretty obvious last night the way you ran after him. And you were texting at the table. Anyway, you’re a grown man, now. You make you’re own decisions. It was pretty good seeing Blaine again, even if the dinner didn’t work out.” Burt looked like he was going to say more but Carole stopped him. She must have seen something in Kurt’s expression.

“Right, sorry. Go on Kurt, we’re listening.” Burt said finally.

Kurt folded his hands and sqeezed them tightly together. “Blaine and I are together,” he bagan. “But what I need to tell you is that he’s sick.” Kurt had to stop, he was already feeling choked up and he hadn’t even gotten past the first couple of sentences. His parents looked concerned and Carole spoke up in the silence.

“Kurt, honey, what is it?” she asked softly.

“It’s cancer,” Kurt wished he could find a way to say those words without crying but the few times he’d said them he’d burst into tears. Now was no different. He folded over, his hands covering his face as he wept.

“Kurt, hey…” He felt the love seat give and his dad and Carole squeezed onto it on either side of him. They wrapped their arms around him, which felt really good but also just made him feel like it was okay to cry harder. He’d only known about this for such a short time. He’d not really been able to deal with it as a reality, even though he knew it was. When he could talk again he explained that it was testicular cancer, and that he was having surgery when he got back to New York. The three of them sat like that on the couch for a long time. Kurt wasn’t even sure how long he cried but it was totally self indulgent and he didn’t care. It felt good to give into the grief and the fear for a while. After that, Carole began to ply him with hot tea with honey and it helped sooth his raw throat and nerves. She told him what she knew about testicular cancer, which wasn’t much but she promised to help point him in the right direction for research too. He wasn’t surprised when his dad finally spoke up about their relationship again.

“I’m worried about you now, Kurt,” he began. “Maybe getting back together with Blaine isn’t the best idea right now. Maybe you two ought to slow it down a little.”

“What happened to me being a grown man and making my own decisions?” Kurt asked. He didn’t want to hear these things but he’d known they were coming anyway.

“Well, now Kurt, that’s still true, but I can’t help but think you’re rushing back into things with him because he’s sick. That’s not fair to either of you.” Burt said.

“It does seem a little sudden, if you two only just saw each other at the reunion.” Carole added softly. Kurt hated to be putting that worried look on her face.

“It is sudden, I know that. We know that, but I just don’t feel like it’s worth wasting time over. I’ve always been in love with Blaine. You know there hasn’t been anyone else that important.” Kurt felt his voice raising.

“I know that, son, I do. You gotta be patient with me. I love you, and I love Blaine, but times are about to get really rough for him. Don’t you think it would be better to be his friend right now?” Burt asked.

Kurt could feel his defenses coming up fast. “You mean, things will be easier for me if we don’t get too involved. Easier when he dies.” Kurt accused. He could feel his face getting hot with anger.

“That’s not what I said Kurt, don’t put words in my mouth. Of course I’m worried for how this affects you and what it would be like if you lost Blaine, but I’m smart enough to know that it wouldn’t matter if you were together or not, you love Blaine and losing him would never be alright or easy.” Kurt noticed tears in his dad’s eyes then too.

“I meant just what I said. This is going to be hard on Blaine. Maybe harder than either of you know.” he looked over at Carole and she nodded, her eyes welling up all over again too. “He’ll need you sometimes and other times he might not want to look at you. He’s going to get angry and sad and everything in between. So are you. I know what that’s like, and I never wanted you to have to face that. But, Kurt, if the two of you think it’s best to do this together, then we’ll support you all the way. Both of you.”

They wrapped Kurt up in another long hug and when they’d calmed down just a little bit, Carole said they’d be happy to come to New York, to help if they could and his dad reminded him to keep them updated on everything. They made Kurt promise to give Blaine their love and to tell them they’d be thinking of him every day. When Kurt finally left for the airport that evening, he felt just a little bit calmer knowing he had his family behind him, and behind Blaine as well.

Chapter Text

Surgery Day One

Surgery today. I’m worried. I’m worried what this means for Kurt and I, and what this means for our future. Maybe Burt and Carole were right. Maybe we are rushing into things, but we lost 2 years and now is just as good a time as any to reconcile right? I’m scared of losing him again, but I’m especially scared of leaving him alone if I die. -B-

**

Finn: I hope so, too. Thanks. But um…how are things there? Really? I mean I know the Nate thing is kinda weird but Blaine’ll get that fixed when he can. I’m sure he’s really glad you’re there. Are you holding up okay?

Kurt: I didn’t know there was a Nate thing. He just said he was Blaine’s friend. Is there a thing? Because he looked like he wanted to roast me alive when he saw me and Blaine told me not to worry about it and yeah there’s a thing isn’t there? Something nobody’s saying? Is Nate his boyfriend?! Oh my god, that would explain so much, of course he has a boyfriend. Fuck.

Finn: Hey… Kurt, relax, there’s no deal with Nate. They’re friends and have been for a while and that’s it. Well… sometimes they have sex but it’s not like… Nate definitely isn’t his boyfriend and won’t be. Blaine isn’t interested in him that way.

Kurt: They do have sex though? I feel like an idiot, I don’t know why I didn’t ask Blaine if he had someone. It doesn’t even matter if he doesn’t feel that way because obviously Nate does. You should have seen him Finn, I’m serious. He practically smirked when they got to go back earlier. Sorry, I think I’ve had too much caffeine, my hands are starting to shake. Shit.

Finn: They have. Obviously I don’t know details, but I know he is into this thing with you and he takes that seriously. Way more seriously than Nate, okay? Even if Nate was smug or whatever, you’re the one he loves and wants to be with. So lay off the coffee and stop freaking out about Nate and focus on what’s important, you know? Blaine needs /you/. He wants /you/. Don’t let some friends with benefits asshole take away from the….just the magic of that. You guys are back together and you won’t be any good to him if you have to do court time for beating the smirk off Nate’s face. You’re Kurt Hummel. You’re better than that.

Kurt: You’re right, okay. I just, everything is too new, you know? And now this, with the… the cancer. I’ll keep it together though. I can do that much, sorry I just. I need some water. And I … maybe something to eat. I just need to see him. I need to see that he’s okay...

**

Kurt was a wreck. He’d had way too much coffee on top of way too much time sitting alone in the waiting room. When the nurse finally told him he could go back and see Blaine, he stood up too fast and dropped his phone right on the floor. The hospital floor. He picked it up gingerly as the nurse studied him and then he pulled himself together as best he could. The nurse pointed him in the general direction and when he pushed open the door he tried to look relaxed for Blaine’s sake. ”Hey,” he said softly, smiling just a little as he walked to the bed. He didn’t look at anyone else, especially not Nate, but leaned in and kissed Blaine’s forehead swiftly.

Blaine was exhausted uncomfortable and wanted to see Kurt. Once he had woken from the foggy haze he realized he had made the mistake of not changing his second contact to Kurt and instead it was still Nate. He had just gotten a second round of painkillers a few moments prior when he heard the door open and he smiled weakly at Kurt as he kissed him on the forehead. ”Hey,” he whispered softly as he placed a hand on Kurt’s cheek, “They’re keeping me overnight. Have you heard from Rachel or Finn?”

Kurt picked up Blaine’s hand gently and held it carefully to avoid pulling his I.V. ”Yeah, Finn. I’ll be getting a hold of everyone else after they kick me out of here.” Kurt smiled slightly sideways at Nana Dot, but he couldn't make himself look over at Nate who was staring at him like he had two heads. The look wasn’t lost on Blaine, and he looked to his grandmother and noticed her stress as well, “Nate can you please take Nana home. You know where the keys are and Nana you need to go home and rest. It’s been a long day, and mom’s probably going to chew your ear off for at least an hour when you go call her again.”

Kurt had to swallow back the jealousy that instantly welled up. He didn’t know anything about Nate except that he’d been Blaine’s friend for a long while now and he kept looking at Kurt like he was trying to size him up and find his weakest point. Kurt hated it. He said his goodbyes though, thanked Blaine’s grandmother for making sure he had updates all day and then he said goodbye to Nate as well. Of course Nate was perfectly civil there in front of Blaine. So that’s how it was going to be, Kurt thought. When they were gone, he slipped into the chair next to Blaine’s bed. ”Can I get you anything, Blaine?” he asked.

Blaine just shook his head, “No I’m good. You don’t have to worry about him either.” Blaine shifted slightly and winced with the pain, “We’re just friends and I love you.” He carefully smoothed his fingers over Kurt’s and sighed. “Put your head here,” he pointed to the bed next to his hands, “you look like you need your neck rubbed.”

Kurt shook his head, “Blaine.” He stretched the name out long, like a plea. “You don’t have to do that, okay?” Kurt scooted in closer. ”You don’t have to explain anything to me, okay?” He smiled fondly at Blaine. ”I should be taking care of you. And I will, if you’ll let me.”

“I know and I will, but you can’t do anything while I’m hopped up on meds you know how weird I get.” Blaine smiled slightly and linked their fingers together, “and yes I do. I want honesty and feelings shared here this time.” He moved to sit up and press himself closer to Kurt before groaning, “this is gonna suck.”

“Alright,” Kurt agreed quietly. He wanted honesty sharing too, but what was he supposed to say, I don’t think you’re friend likes me very much? I don’t like the way he looks at you either? Kurt lost his train of thought when Blaine groaned and reflexively he tried to move closer, but there was no where to go. ”Do you want a pillow, behind your back?” He hated himself for saying it but he felt so useless.

Blaine shook his head,”No just hit the bed up button a little bit. I have never felt more like shit in my life even after eye surgery.” He closed his eyes as the bed moved slightly and he sighed. “How’s your day been well besides the obvious?”

Kurt took the controls in hand and lifted the head of the bed up just a little. ”My day has been long, but it’s alright. I had to be here. Thank goodness for kind nurses and Nana Dot because I might have made a scene out there this morning,” he laughed just a little bit, but his heart wasn’t in it.

Blaine looked over at Kurt and sighed tiredly and gripped his hand, “and thank you for coming and dealing with all my drama and all the hospital crazy. Especially since Nate and Nana are here.”

“Of course, Blaine,” he whispered, tiredly. ”I’m right where I want to be.” It was the truth. He wanted to stay. He wasn’t going to let this scare him off.

Blaine nodded and closed his eyes. It meant so much to hear him say those words. The road ahead was going to be long, and he wanted to be able to turn to Kurt. He sleepily mumbled out as he fought sleep, ”I’m glad, I want you here.”

“You should get some rest, hun. I’ll be around, you don’t have to worry about me. I hear they have really great jello here, I might try and find me some.” Kurt soothed his hand over Blaine’s lower leg, skimming the blanket so as not to make anything move at all. He sat just a moment longer, watching Blaine and then he stood, kissed Blaine’s cheeks gently and left. He didn’t go far though. He slumped against the wall just outside Blaine’s room and let his eyes shut for a few quiet moments. Blaine had to be okay.

**

Post Op Day 2

I wish he would have gone home to sleep. He can’t put his health at risk. Also, I feel like my head is spinning with all this new information...I can’t see him...I don’t want to lose him again..., also it’s worse than they thought... -B-

Kurt pulled himself out of the chair he’d been curled up in. He must have fallen asleep at some point right before dawn because the sun was streaming through the hospital window when Blaine’s text woke him up. He felt like crap and was achy everywhere, and he’d lied to Blaine, but there was no way he could have left last night. He hurried to the bathroom, tidied himself up as best he could, grabbed a cup of vending machine coffee, and proceeded to text Blaine as he waited for a few more minutes to pass before he went up to the room. When he finally got there, he pushed the door and smiled at Blaine. “Morning,”

Blaine looked and felt like crap. The morning had been rough, and he had spend the majority of it sitting in silence refusing to talk to anyone. ...Stage 3 Testicular cancer, lung and lymph node involvement. Words you never want to hear because what could have been a simple operation was just complicated with chemotherapy, possible radiation, and who knows how many negative side effects. He was waiting on one of the nurses to come insert the picc line when he decided to text Kurt he wanted to see him, needed him. He finished sending the messages and ran a hand through his hair when the nurse came in to pull his IV out and let him know he could shower, change clothes. The hospital gown was at least a day old, and he desperately wanted a shower. He was just about to stand up when he heard Kurt’s voice and turned to him and smiled, “hey”

“Hey,” he answered. “Are you going somewhere?” Kurt asked him lightly, a hint of teasing to his voice as he shut the door carefully behind him.

“To shower and put on my own clothes,” Blaine said looking over at Kurt and smiled, “and you slept in chairs last night and didn’t go home. I have spies. I have an extra pair of jeans if you want to change clothes.”

“I…” Kurt smiled a little ruefully at Blaine and swallowed. “It’s not right for you to charm the nursing staff like that. You’ll be breaking hearts all over the hospital before you know it. Anyhow I’m not showered so I’ll survived another day in my jeans if you can stand to look at me.” Kurt was going to sit but he hesitated. “Do you need any help?”

“Yes I’d like help. I don’t necessarily need it, but yeah it would be good.” Blaine slid off the bed and grimaced slightly, “I look like crap.”

“Alright,” Kurt said. he reached out for Blaine’s arm to help steady him. “You’re beautiful.” Kurt assured him and leaned and kissed the side of his head.

“Thanks,” Blaine said smiling over at him and sighed, “I saw the doctor this morning. Tonight’s going to be hell I’m afraid.” He walked into the bathroom and turned on the hot water and sighed before dropping the hospital gown on the floor and stepping under the hot steam, “Chemo and radiation are going to suck.”

Kurt didn’t answer at first. He’d done some reading about chemo and it wasn’t pretty. Blaine was probably going to feel like he had the flu, and that was the very easiest people reported. He could be really sick, he could hurt, and he’d probably lose his hair on top of all of that. It was scary and Kurt didn’t want Blaine to go through any of that, but he wanted Blaine to live too, so it was just something that had to happen. He rolled up his sleeves as Blaine got into the shower. “I’ll be here,” he said softly. it wasn’t much, but it’s what he had. “Did they tell you how long you had to stay?”

Blaine grabbed a bottle of shampoo and sighed, “first they said three days, but I was looking at some brochures and talking to the nurses I can stay three blocks over at the patient discount hotel. It’s four star.”

“Let me?” Kurt asked, reaching for the shampoo bottle. “I could see how that might have it’s advantages,” he said. He didn’t know how to feel about it himself. If it were him he’d want the comfort of home, but since it was Blaine he liked the idea that he could be closer to the hospital.

“Get undressed and get in here with me.” Blaine said looking at him softly and handing him the shampoo, “so you won’t have fashionable fitting clothes on but some of my jeans and a tank will do for tonight, and as for the hotel thing I can go home, but the first three days of chemo are six hour treatments and the doctor and I would feel more comfortable if I were close in case of bad side effects since I live further out.”

Kurt didn’t have to be asked twice, Of course he wanted to be closer to Blaine, wash his hair, help soap his back, but the idea of getting clean had it’s own appeal. “I suppose I’ll live, your jeans might be more than a little short on me, though,” he climbed in and took the shampoo from Blaine and poured some in his hand. “What do you think is best?” he asked. Then he began carefully soaping Blaine’s hair, massaging gently as he went.

“I actually think the pair I grabbed is a little big in the waist and a little too long since I wanted them comfortable. I have sweatpants also but I know you probably wouldn’t want to wear those in public,” Blaine smirked as Kurt rubbed the soap through his hair and leaned his head slightly against his shoulder. “Probably staying at the hotel. I didn’t get to tell you everything earlier but it’s definitely going to get worse before it gets better. I got the staging results from the surgery this morning, and I’m scared to even leave.”

Kurt worked the soap down Blaine’s neck, kneading ever so slightly, paying attention to every part, like ear lobes and collar bones. “Hmm, I think I might survive in your sweats,” he said thoughtfully. He poured out actual body wash this next time while Blaine spoke and began working down his arms, soaking in the feel of Blaine against him. “Do you have to leave?” Kurt didn’t like the way it was sounding. He’d read on his phone most of the night about stages of cancer and treatments and now he was thinking it must have been pretty bad. He’d honestly been too scared to ask.

Blaine nodded against Kurt’s shoulder, “Outpatient treatment is better for me. I want to be home with you. I’m just nervous.” He kissed Kurt’s neck as his hands ran down his shoulders and arms. “It’s stage 3. I never even felt the lump. They found cancer in my lung on the CT scan.” He wrapped his arms around Kurt and took in his scent, “I still have a ninety percent survival rate though and if Lance Armstrong can beat it I can too.”

Kurt thought he was doing pretty good. He was having a calm rational discussion about Blaine’s stage fucking three testicular cancer which had apparently spread to other areas of his body. Ninety percent survival rate. Kurt knew that was good, it was so much better than many other types of cancer. That didn’t make it okay. Nothing would make it okay until Blaine was cancer free and well again. He let his hands slip around Blaine’s chest and he held him. Kurt laid the side of his head atop Blaine’s and just stood for a moment. “You will,” he said simply. “You absolutely will.”

“Mhmm ‘cause if I don’t you’ll beat me up from the grave,” Blaine chuckled as Kurt leaned his head against his hair. He sucked in a ragged breath before he even realized the tears running down his face. “God, I’m so glad you are back in my life,” he said as he pulled him closer against him. “We should probably get out of here and get dressed. I think I heard one of the nurses knocking.”

“Mmhm,” Kurt agreed. Then Blaine turned serious and it took every ounce of willpower Kurt had not to join him and just bawl. He couldn’t say anything for a second so he kissed at a clean patch of skin on Blaine’s shoulder. “Turn around and rinse off while I step out and grab your towel,” he said. He let his hands slide off Blaine, but slowly. Then he stepped out.

Blaine watched as Kurt stepped out and wrapped himself in a towel as he stood under the stream of water. He shut it off after a few more minutes and grabbed the towel from Kurt and stepped out himself and began to dry himself off. He grabbed the duffel bag off the seat outside the door and tossed Kurt the sweats before sliding on his loose fitting jeans and a tank, “the nurse should be here soon to give me the picc line.”

Kurt got dressed, he didn’t actually care what the hell he wore, he didn’t care that he didn’t have his moisturizer or toothbrush. “Okay,” he nodded.

“I love you,” Blaine whispered as he opened his arms for Kurt, “come lay down with me for a minute. You look exhausted, and I know you want to take care of me, but I can still take care of you.”

Kurt sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Blaine nodded, “you aren’t going to hurt me. Now that I’ve walked around it’s not as bad as yesterday, and besides I want to hold you.”

“Okay,” he said and pulled himself onto his side, into Blaine’s arms. He held himself carefully away from Blaine’s incision, but he leaned forward until their foreheads touched.

Blaine ran his hands through Kurt’s damp locks and sighed, “you seem tense. Did you need to ask me anything talk to me about anything?”

“I’m just stressed. I’m worried about you, but I’m okay. I promise.” Kurt sighed and his eyes closed.

“Anything about Nate,” Blaine asked as he continued to run his hand along Kurt’s cheek and ear, “I might have been doped but I saw the looks.”

Kurt couldn’t take thinking about whether or not Blaine told Nate about their getting back together and what Nate said about it, and he didn’t need to hear about Blaine and Nate’s friends with benefits relationship. No. Not now.

Blaine sighed before kissing Kurt’s forehead and whispering, “he knows we’re together. I told him this morning when I called to talk to Nana. He’s a really good friend.”

Kurt nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. He was trying to hear Blaine and to be logical, but his heart had very little to do with logic.

Blaine sighed as the nurse came in to run the line and asked Kurt to get up. He looked over to him and smiled trying to stay positive and keep looking the bright side, but once the line was ran and the chemicals started his resolve started to weaken and he gripped Kurt’s hand, “stay with me tonight. In here not in chairs. We can have Rachel bring you clean clothes. Please.”

“I will, of course I will. I’m sorry I didn’t last night, I was just trying not to smother you too much.” Kurt squeezed his hand.

“Thank you,” Blaine whispered against his lips as he shivered slightly, “and I know I told Finn that you didn’t want me to know that you were here. The nurses last night kept popping in to check on me and wanted to make sure I didn’t want you to come in. I kept telling them no because you were asleep.” Blaine sighed as he closed his eyes, “I don’t think they will care tonight.” Blaine shivered again and sighed, “my arm’s burning.”

Kurt winced just a tiny bit. “Do you want a distraction. I’m sure we could find a movie or something. I read that some people like music or movies…” his voice trailed off.

“Movie sounds good,” Blaine adjusted in the bed and pulled the covers around himself. He was freezing even though he felt hot, and was pretty sure that it was just mind games from what he had read. He looked over at Kurt and smiled tiredly, “you pick. I probably won’t be able to stay awake the whole movie.”

“Okay,” Kurt agreed. He hoped Blaine could fall asleep, because later there might not be much sleep to have. He picked up the remote and began flipping slowly through the hospital channels. “So I think I might either go with Finding Nemo. I’d say that’ll be more fun than crime dramas or bad Hallmark flicks.” Kurt settled back into his chair and crossed his legs.

“Finding Nemo sounds like a winner,” Blaine said smiling as he sat up and reclined against the back of the bed and sighed, “I wish I could hold you. Stupid rules.” He sank back against his pillows and sighed, “I’m sorry I’m behaving like a child.”

Kurt clicked back to Finding Nemo. It was starting in three minutes, according to the little countdown clock on the screen. “You’re not really, but so what if you were. I wish I could hold you too, so there’s that. Now we’re both kids. And we’re going to watch our Disney movie now.”

Blaine laughed lightly as he tried to get comfortable to take his mind off the burning in his arm and the gnawing feeling in his stomach. It wasn’t long before the movie started and he felt his eyes growing heavy and he fell asleep. He woke from a semi restful sleep a few hours later only to get slammed with a wave of stomach pain and nausea. He reached for the glass of water on the side table, and noticed his hands were shaking as well. This couldn’t be good, “fuck,” he whispered under his breath as he tried to breathe through the nausea with little success.

Kurt wasn’t sure when he’d drifted off to sleep but he woke to Blaine shifting in the bed. “Baby? Are you okay?” he sat up groggily leaning forward toward Blaine. Was this it? Kurt had already moved the waste basket and the ugly little pink vomit pan was on the bedside table too in case Blaine needed it.

Blaine couldn’t really think much less speak he just shook his head and kept breathing. He didn’t want to throw up, so he figured the best solution would be the continued deep breathing like the nurse had explained might help, but all too soon his whole body was trembling and he was heaving into the vomit pan. Kurt was wide awake in an instant. he stood quickly and helped steady the pan in Blaine’s hands and then when he continued to be sick, Kurt grabbed the wastebasket.

Blaine’s eyes stung and burned as his stomach twisted in knots. This had to be worse than any flu or stomach thing he’d ever had. Once the vomiting seemed to stop for a moment he curled into the fetal position while shaking. He didn’t know what was happening, but he felt like he was going to die as he reached one hand towards Kurt in desperate plea for closeness. Kurt watched Blaine roll in around himself. As he went and got a wet cloth and wiped at Blaine’s forehead where his hair was sticking to the skin and gently stroked his arm with the tips of his fingers he knew there wasn’t much he could do but he could be there.

Chapter Text

Blaine:
I woke up and you aren’t here. Please say you went home to change clothes, shower and sleep. The doctor came by and won’t let me leave tonight. I told him I’d be more comfortable being miserable at my house. He was clearly not amused.

Kurt:
Not exactly, I’m downstairs, I had a friend bring me some things from home. I’m almost done and then I’ll be there. I’m sorry you don’t get to go home, hun.

Blaine:
Friend? Do I get to meet this person? I want to meet the people in your life. It’s okay I figured when I wasn’t even three hours in and already sick I wasn’t going to get to leave right away. Can you bring me some more ginger-ale also? It’s my new best friend.

Kurt:
You absolutely can meet Jo, but I don’t know if today is the right day for that. She’s heading in to work right now, I’ll tell her though, I know she wants to meet you. Yes, coming with ginger-ale.

Blaine:
Tell her then that I said thank you for bringing you some things from home.

Kurt:
I will, love you too, almost back now! xoxo

Blaine:
Don’t rush. Nate’s here too. Be sure to let him share some of the responsibility.

**

Kurt was trying to be patient. This guy was Blaine’s friend. Blaine’s special friend, Kurt’s mind supplied. Either way he was important to Blaine and Kurt didn’t have any right to come in and be a dick about who was in Blaine’s life now. That didn’t stop him from hating the way the guy touched Blaine when he talked to him or the way he watched as Kurt straightened Blaine’s I.V. line so it’s wouldn’t pull. Did he think Kurt was incompetent? He knew a thing or two about making people comfortable, he could damn well straighten the I.V. line and the blankets and fluff the pillows without wounding or killing Blaine! He’d had just about all he could take of it, but he was being just as friendly as he could be. “I can get your socks if your feet are too cold now,” he offered Blaine. Of course even socks were apparently too much to trust Kurt with.

Blaine looked between Kurt and Nate and smiled. He nodded about the socks and took a few deep breaths. The anti-nausea meds seemed to help him slightly, but his body still ached and he was cold. He also really appreciated them wanting to stay and help, but the power struggle was obvious, and if he could go five minutes without feeling like he wanted to vomit in peace it would be a good thing. He took in another deep breath, “Actually why don’t you let me put on my own socks, and you guys go figure out when I get to get out of here.” He looked at Kurt, “I need to call Finn too.”

“Alright,” Kurt agreed. “We can do that.” He leaned in and kissed Blaine’s forehead again before heading to the door. “Do you want me to bring you back anything?” he asked, turning back.

Blaine smiled and nodded, “the usual ginger-ale, and maybe some chicken soup something substantial that I can try and eat.” He sighed and turned over, “and I need some tylenol too.” He grabbed his phone and dialed Finn, “hey man what’s going on?”

**

With promises all around for chicken soup and ginger-ale, and tylenol, Kurt headed out the door. He held open for Nate, but the moment it shut he felt his smile falter. He was exhausted and he hated that his healthy body would pull that shit while Blaine was laying in a hospital bed fighting cancer. He also hated that he couldn’t just be the actual cheerful and positive guy he was pretending. He didn’t mind not liking Nate though, that he could live with. “Maybe you should go handle the food while I talk to the nurses about some tylenol and when Blaine might be released.” he suggested curtly.

“Kurt,” Nate spoke softly, “I know he loves you, and it’s always been you, but you need to know that I’m not going anywhere either. He needs as much support as he can get, and so do you.”

“That sounds really nice, Nate, very sensitive,” Kurt said. He didn’t want to do this now, not here. He didn’t have the strength to do it right and he knew he’d come off like the jealous wounded sixteen year old he felt like right now. Hell he probably already had. Kurt swiped his hand down the back of his head and squeezed at the back of his neck. “I’m sure you can tell I have a lot on my plate right now,” he said, finally looking directly at Nate. “And figuring out how to deal with what I know about you in a mature way is just really low on my list of priorities.”

“I know we all do,” Nate snapped at Kurt, “but we’re here for Blaine and you have a fucking issue because he and I have fucked. I’m not you Kurt, god can’t you fucking see that. He loves you, and it’s always been you.” He rolls his eyes, “I’m going to go get him food. Do you want anything?

Kurt gaped at Nate, his hand dropping to his side. He had about a dozen good comebacks but the thing that flew out wasn’t nearly as good as he was going for. “I know we’re here for Blaine! You’re the one jumping down my throat about which blanket he likes and which shampoo is better for his hair!” Kurt was getting loud. Not screaming but definitely not quiet anymore.

“It’s because I care about him too,” Nate snapped back, “and I’ve been the one taking care of him for two years while you have been out of his life. You just waltz right back in and expect me to stop. I’m his friend, and yeah we’ve fucked, but that’s nothing but physical I assure you of that.”

Kurt covered his face with his hands. “Can you please stop saying that?” Nate had only mentioned fucking the one time but it brought such a vivid picture to Kurt’s mind that he didn’t know what he’d do if Nate said it again. “I don’t expect you to stop taking care of Blaine,” he said, lowering his hands. “You’ve missed the point entirely. The point is, I don’t want you to have to take care of him and I don’t want him to need you, but that is the way it is because I was gone. So the real problem is that I have to accept that and I don’t know how to, okay? I don’t. I need time, I needed to know about you before I showed up here. I needed some kind of warning, but no one said a goddamn word about it. So if I stumble around and act like an asshole it’s not because I think you’re going to just stop doing what you do, it’s because I can’t expend the extra energy to deal with it on top of everything else.” Kurt felt angry and tired and completely drained. Nate knew the Blaine Kurt didn’t. They had habits and memories and jokes and touches and it was too much. Maybe after a while it would be okay, but right now it was just so much.

Nate nodded and put a hand on the other man’s shoulder, “he doesn’t need me anymore Kurt. I need him there’s a big difference.” Nate shook his head and sighed, “I respect that.”

Kurt felt the last of the fight drain out of him. Everything was so screwed up right now and here he was in the middle of a hospital fighting with this man who was just trying his best to deal with the same damn situation. Kurt didn’t want to let go of his jealousy or his anger, he thought they might be the only things keeping him going right now, but when he looked up at Nate he knew he could at least stop treating him like the enemy. “He does need you, he needs us both.” Kurt swallowed the last bit of his pride. “Maybe that’s okay, maybe we can just work together.” Kurt put his opposite hand on Nate’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Yeah,” Nate said tiredly before dropping his hand, “do you want anything at all why I’m getting him food?”

“No thanks. I’ll just meet you back in there,” he said. “I’ll go talk to the nurses.”

“Okay see you later,” Nate said before walking off.

“Yeah,” Kurt said and he too turned and left.

**

The following morning Blaine rolled over and opened his eyes. His back was stiff and his body ached. He didn’t know if it was side effects of the chemo or if it was just from sleeping in a crappy hospital bed for the last three nights. He sighed and stood up to go wash his face and brush the foul taste from his mouth. Once done he looked in the mirror for a moment before deciding he still looked like crap and went to crawl back in bed to relax and write in his journal.

**

I found this picture on my phone this morning, and want nothing more than to get out of this hospital and go lay in some grass somewhere.

pic.

Positive note is that the surgeon and oncologist are stopping by, and hopefully I get out of here tonight. I still feel pretty weak, but having the flu like feeling will be better managed in the comfort of my own bed. Also I feel bad now because I kinda need to kick Kurt out of my room. He needs to eat and sleep, and I know he’s worried about me but I worry about him just as much. I heard the blow up between him and Nate. They both returned unscathed so no blood was shed, but I need to get out of here for him. I need to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything is going to be okay even if I don’t think it is. The doctor just showed up. I need to go talk to him, and maybe convince him to let me donate my left foot to science in exchange for my apartment.

**

Rachel came in a moment later to drop off a bag of items, and he hugged her quickly. Things were still rough between her and Finn, and he didn’t know how to help in any way other than listening.

Kurt got another cup of sludge from the coffee machine down the hall and when he got back to Blaine’s room, Rachel was there with everything he’d asked for and then some. He gave her a swift hug before collapsing back into his chair. It was his chair now, he’d claimed that spot, and he reached for Blaine’s hand. Blaine took Kurt’s hand and sighed, “you need to go home and sleep or at least get something to eat. That chair has a permanent imprint of your butt. Not that I mind, but you have to take care of yourself too babe.”

Kurt’s eyes flitted to Rachel and then back to Blaine’s. “I’m fine, I’m taking care of you,” he said. He looked down at the coffee in his hand. The disgusting vending machine coffee that he’d grown accustomed to in the past few days. “I’m okay, really,” he told Blaine.

Blaine rolled his eyes and sighed, “Mhmm, then why do you look like you’ve lost more weight and sleep than I have? At least go get a decent meal please. My surgeon is coming in later as well as my oncologist, and hopefully they send me home tonight.”

Kurt didn’t want to leave, he didn’t care a bit about a decent meal, but he was worrying Blaine and he didn’t want to do that. He held his hands up in defeat. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll go wander down to the dining room and see if they have anything decent.” He smiled a little sideways at Rachel and stooped to kiss the corner of Blaine’s mouth. “Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone,” he whispered. Then he reluctantly left, shutting the door behind him before slumping down in a corner and pulling out his iPad.

**

Blaine officially kicked me out. It’s not as dramatic as it sounds, he just wanted me to go eat something. Actually he might be right about that, I haven’t had real food since before his surgery, and that was, what? Three days ago, four, a week? Being in this hospital makes time skewed. I measure the days in nursing shifts and doctor’s visits instead of in hours and minutes.

I should care about things like food and bathing. I haven’t looked in a mirror for days. I’m probably scaring Blaine every time he looks at me. At least Jo brought my toiletries and a few changes of clothes. I did brush my teeth, I think. Last night. Maybe I should do that when I get back to the room. Maybe I should take a shower and exfoliate. I’m running around with days worth of hospital grime on my face and I just don’t care.

At least Nate’s not here right now. He can leave, he can shower and put on fresh clothes and come in looking all sane and together. I shouldn’t have snapped at him or argued with him, but he’s just this very real reminder that this Blaine isn’t exactly my Blaine. I mean he’s mine because we’ve agreed to be together, but for all the familiar things about him, he’s not the same man he was two years ago. How could he be? People grow and change. They meet new people and form bounds. So this Blaine, this Blaine is Nate’s in so many little ways that I’m only just starting to figure out.

I think I’m just really tired which is ridiculous considering I barely do anything all day long. I sleep when Blaine does for the most part so I ought to be doing well enough, but each day it’s just a little harder to function. I should probably go down and eat like I said I would. I can’t go home though. If I go home I won’t sleep. I’ll make phone calls I’m not ready to make. I know I have to talk to Trina about the show. I was supposed to go back after the reunion, but now I don’t know. How can I perform when I’m so sick with worry over Blaine? At the same time how can I walk away from the show when I’m the star?

And what if Blaine doesn’t get better? I’m just losing time with him every moment we’re apart and I can’t afford to waste whatever time we have left. Oh god, no okay? I’m not thinking that. Blaine will get better, but in the meantime he needs me, and even if he doesn’t; I need him. Maybe I can have one more week, just one more and then, then I can rely on some other people to watch over Blaine while I’m gone. Like Nate, and Cooper, and Nana.

Dad and Carole should be coming too. God, I don’t know how to do any of this. I feel like a child trying to run around and play at being responsible. We didn’t even have a plan. If I’d been with Blaine before we would have made a plan. We’d have packed together and discussed treatments. I’d know his doctors better and would have known what to expect. We would have worked out the details of every eventuality and I wouldn’t have to go home to shower or get things because my home would still be with Blaine.

Now I’m just sort of fitting myself into everything as best I can, and I know Blaine wants me here it isn’t even that, it’s just a matter of trying to juggle all of these feelings alongside feeling so out of control and helpless. And Blaine. I’m so scared I can’t even kiss him properly. I need to hold him and kiss him and give him my everything right now and I’m falling apart. It’s so frustrating!

I hate hospitals! I hate them! I hate the way they look and smell. I hate I.V.’s and blood pressure cuffs and hideously bright patterned scrubs. And stupid linoleum floors that shine under florescent lights! I hate all of it, I always have ever since, ever since Mom. And then Dad, and I really hate that I can’t just grow up and deal like everyone else.

It’s not like I’m the sick one here, I’m just the boyfriend, I can do that much can’t I? I don’t even have any duties like a normal boyfriend would. I don’t make the calls to Blaine’s family or check his meds or replenish his favorite body wash. I just have to hold my shit together long enough to just provide moral support and I don’t even seem capable of that!

I don’t know what to do. I should go eat, Blaine will probably ask and I’ve done enough lying the past few days as it is, even if it’s by omission.

**

Blaine was packing his bag and still talking to Rachel eyeing the door ever so often to make sure that their conversation wasn’t interrupted. “I’ve thought about it, but we really need to actually sit down and talk and figure out things. I mean we just jumped right back in headfirst, and while I don’t have any regrets on that I can’t help but worry about him now that I’ve got all this other going on.” He sighed tiredly, “though I do want to be with him for the rest of my life so marriage is the next logical step.”

Rachel smiled in agreement with his statement, “you know he will say yes, I don’t know what you are worried about. Yeah it’s fast, but you two have missed so much time.

“I know he would to, but I think we just need to take everything one step at a time, and that would be day to day right now,” he sat the magazine aside when the door came open and in breezed the surgeon and oncologist to go over a few things, and tell him he was free to leave. Once they left he turned back to Rachel, “what if I married him next week. Did the whole courthouse wedding like you and Finn?”

Rachel nodded, “I think it would be great, but let’s wait at least a month, see if Finn and I can at least be in the same room together without exploding at one another. We’re trying, you know just sometimes, it’s rough.”

Blaine smiled and hugged her, “I know and considering I kinda have to propose first I think it can wait,” he chuckled lightly, “and besides like I said he and I really haven’t talked much about us since we got back together everything’s been about me and now that I’m getting out of here a few days to really just be together and sit down and talk will be good.”

Rachel laughed as she climbed off the bed before she kissed his cheek, “I am going to let you get dressed and I will call Kurt if you like.”

He held up his phone and smiled, “he sent me a picture of the cafeteria to prove he was eating so I told him to come back up, but I might need you to find my shoes. While I find my clothes.” He found his jeans and a t-shirt before he looked back to her and smiled, “if they come with my discharge papers, yell loudly.”

Rachel grinned and teased, “So does this mean I don’t get to watch you change?”.

Blaine laughed and playfully shook his ass, “nope it’s all Kurt’s” and shut the bathroom door.

Chapter Text

Walking out the doors of Sloan Kettering felt like heaven. Blaine was exhausted, and ready to be in his bed, with his pillow, not to mention eating one of his favorite comfort foods; Nana Dot’s homemade chicken soup. She had only planned to stay a week, and her flight was scheduled to leave in the morning so getting to spend the rest of the evening with her would be really nice. He slid his keys to Kurt once they were pulling up the block to the apartment and leaned his head over on his shoulder for another few moments and closed his eyes as the cab driver drove the rest of the way up the block.

Kurt looped an arm around Blaine in the cab and watched out the window as the buildings slid past. He was relieved in a lot of ways to be taking Blaine home. He would have all his own things, and who didn’t want that when they were recovering? Still being home also meant there was no nurse at the press of a button and no doctor stopping by twice a day to check in. Kurt couldn’t help but feel like they were leaving a safety net behind. If it weren’t for the fact that he himself was so exhausted, he probably would have been much more nervous about the whole thing. He took Blaine’s keys in hand and gave him a squeeze as they got closer.

Once outside the building Blaine took in another deep breath. Just standing outside was comforting. He was so ready. He entwined Kurt’s fingers with his own and pulled him through the lobby before taking the elevator up to his floor. The elevator hummed quietly and neither of them spoke. Kurt kept his eyes on the changing numbers above the elevator door as he remembered what it was like to call this place home. It had been so long that he still felt a detached sort of calm about it, but that might change as he spent more and more time in the apartment he used to share with Blaine.

At the apartment, Blaine was surprised to see a boxer pup lying on the floor with a hamburger squeaker toy, and two leather suitcases by the guest room, “Nana?” They stepped in and Kurt closed the door behind them. He didn’t think Nana Dot was one to travel around with a puppy and he knew it didn’t belong to Blaine so who did that leave? Who would pass the Nana Dot test and be allowed in to wait for them?

**

Cooper kissed Nana’s cheek and buzzed happily around the apartment. He was excited to be surprising Blaine. They hadn’t always been the closest of brothers, but ever since his visit to McKinley, when Blaine went off on him, Cooper had made a real effort to strengthen their relationship. Blaine meant the world to him, and Cooper wouldn’t have traded the last few years for anything. Now they were brothers and best friends and Cooper knew Blaine felt the same way too.

So it hit him rather hard when he found out about Blaine’s cancer. After making personal arrangements with his manager and lining up a part time role in New York, he got on the next available flight. Nana Dot was expecting him, maybe not his dog, but he planned to charm her with him all the same. After all, dogs were very therapeutic, right? He’d only been in town, and in Blaine’s apartment, for a few hours when he heard the door being unlocked and opened. Blaine was back! Cooper was in the other room but he hurried to drop what he was doing so he could go pull his brother into a huge hug and surprise the hell out of him. Blaine called out to Nana just as Cooper rounded the corner and pulled up short. Blaine wasn’t alone.

“Cooper!” Blaine cried rushing forward. He threw his arms around Cooper who instinctively hugged him back, but he was distracted. His eyes were locked with Kurt and full of wary concern. Kurt for his part looked slightly dazed as well as he waited for Blaine to realize the awkwardness.

“Kurt,” Cooper said as he looked between Blaine and the other man, “What did I miss?” His tone wasn’t accusatory or awkward, but filled with concern. The last thing his brother needed right now was for Kurt to come back in and shatter parts of his mended heart.

“It’s okay Cooper,” Blaine sighed, “we met up at the McKinley reunion, and well, we’re back together.” He unwrapped himself from his brother and wrapped an arm almost protectively around his boyfriend. “And before you say anything, we’ll talk about everything at dinner. I sorta owe Nana an explanation as well considering she’s been dealing with Nate over the last few days.

Cooper nodded and took in a breath before smiling softly at Kurt, “Okay B. I’ll try and be patient.”

**

Blaine: I want you to come shower and lay down with me. We can kick Max out of the bedroom. Please.

Kurt: I think I can handle that. I’ll send Coop in after his “kid” while I hop in the shower. <3

Blaine: Tell him we will be occupied. I’m joining you. I hope that’s okay?

Kurt: Of course, hon, I will.

“Max move,” Blaine smiled pushing the dog slightly off the bed. He already felt a million times better than he had earlier in the day and he sat up and stretched out before pushing at the dog again, “Cooper come get your kid,” he called.

Kurt made a shooing gesture at Cooper, but he was already on his way to get his dog. Kurt took time to go grab his bag from the living room where he’d left earlier. Thank goodness for good friends who were also your neighbor, he thought. Jo was his savior. He owed her big time. Then he walked down the hall and met Blaine as he climbed out of bed. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing but I’m on to you, Blaine Anderson. You’re sick of the way I smell and you’re wooing me into the shower with promises of a clean bed and cuddles later. Very tricky,” he teased softly.

Blaine laughed lightly as he shoved Cooper out the door and shut and locked it behind Kurt, “I smell worse,” he leaned in and kissed Kurt softly as he tangled his hands through his hair before moving his hands down the sides of his body and pulling him close, “and kisses,” he whispered after breaking the kiss.

One of the best things about Blaine’s laugh was that it was like a balm against Kurt’s frayed nerves. It had been so much better coming back to Blaine’s place, for Blaine. Kurt was glad to get him there where he could be more comfortable and could be surrounded by his army of caregivers. Being in the apartment on the other hand had been bittersweet for Kurt. So he’d focused really hard on chatting up Cooper and running around the kitchen with Nana Dot, and talking on the phone with both Rachel and Finn, and then his dad and Carole. He was ignoring the little familiarities and changes in the apartment. So Blaine’s laugh coiled up inside him warm and fuzzy and perfect, right where he needed it. The kiss was even better. Kurt leaned into it, his heart tripping up just a bit. “And kisses,” Kurt agreed happily. Kisses were definitely welcomed, he’d missed them much more than he’d admitted to himself. Kurt leaned in and kissed Blaine again swiftly and then turned him by the shoulders gently until they were facing the bathroom. “Alright, we stink, let’s get on with it.”

Blaine smiled as Kurt turned him around to walk towards the bathroom. He quickly turned on the hot water and stripped out of his clothes before turning around to see Kurt do the same. ”Throw all the dirty’s in with mine. I’ll have them cleaned,” he whispered before reaching out a hand to Kurt and pulling him against him and into the shower. He still felt tired, weak, and slightly nauseous, but being home was enough to rejuvenate his body even if only temporarily. He stood in silence for a moment under the hot steam and sighed tiredly as he kissed his way up Kurt’s neck and jawline while soaping his body, “thank you,” he whispered as he massaged tight muscles, “you’ve been my rock, and I really just wanted you to know that.

With a fluid movement, Kurt shucked his jeans off and stretched a little; naked. It was crazy how living without proper pajamas or occasional nudity could make you so uncomfortable, even in just a few days. He agreed to toss his clothes in with Blaine’s and then took Blaine’s hand and stepped into the shower. The hot water felt amazing and god he was tired, but Blaine was kissing his, soapy hands just everywhere and Kurt was melting under his touch. “I would do anything for you, Blaine, anything at all. You’ve been so brave though, you’re the rock,” Kurt leaned down slightly to press his lips to Blaine’s gently.

Blaine closed his eyes as Kurt’s lips met his and their bodies pressed together gently. He did have to admit a little excitement when his dick started to get hard. He had been worried about that, but he willed it away with his thoughts since sex wasn’t allowed for at least another 2 weeks. He broke the kiss and grabbed the shampoo bottle and poured some in his hand to run through Kurt’s hair, ” we’re a team.” he whispered as he massaged the liquid into suds.

“Hmmm,” Kurt hummed contentedly as Blaine worked his fingers through his hair. He let his eyes closed and he let the world go away for just a moment. It was just he and Blaine and the warm water and the fragrant suds and nothing else had to matter right this second. “I love our team,” he sighed. “I love you.” Kurt took the shampoo and returned the favor, soaping up Blaine’s hair, fingernails scratching very gently into Blaine’s scalp before running down over his shoulders and back.

The feeling of Kurt’s fingers on his scalp massaging and tugging gently at his locks was a guilty pleasure that Blaine might soon miss. He swallowed against a knot in his throat and smiled as Kurt ran his hands down his shoulders and back. The light touch felt great against the ache of his joints, “will you rub my head when I don’t have any hair left,” he asked lightly, “I mean that with old age not chemo cause I’m going to get an extravagant blue wig like Katy.”

Kurt’s hands kept moving gently without pause, but Kurt felt his stomach twist. He didn’t care if Blaine had any hair or not, but he was certain Blaine did. “I will, and I will also help style your blue wig.” he said gently. His throat felt tight but he continued speaking softly, “Have you thought about shaving it? Make a preemptive strike?”

“Spiky blue punk rocker wig, and yeah I’ve thought about shaving it off, but not until it’s falling out on my pillow. I like the way your fingers feel when they run through my hair,” Blaine turned to look at him and smiled as Kurt stole another kiss. How had they gone three days without more of those?

“Maybe we can get you a hot tattoo to go with it,” Kurt smiled and reached for Blaine’s body wash. He poured a generous amount into his palm, shot Blaine one more grin and dropped slowly to his knees. He didn’t make it sensual at all. He made it through though with an almost tickle to the back of Blaine’s knees before he stood up.

Blaine groaned low in his throat the feeling of Kurt’s hands running against his lower body made him tremble with need. He knew Kurt had no intention of doing that even before the tickle on the back of his knees, but it was hard to keep himself from ‘rising to the occasion’ “let’s get out and go to bed,” Blaine smiled at him and kissed him softly.

Kurt tried not to notice the effect he’d had on Blaine, or really the effect Blaine had on him. He rinsed himself quickly and stepped out, wrapping a towel around himself. He actually used moisturizer which felt like a luxury and brushed his teeth before padding out into the bedroom again. He rifled through his bag and came out with navy boxer briefs and a white v neck t-shirt. Soft and clean and god he couldn’t wait to be laying next to Blaine. If felt like it had been an eternity since he’d been able to do that. For once he was glad he was so tired. It didn’t leave him enough energy to think about the bed or the bed’s history or the fact that Blaine was still using the same color scheme Kurt had helped pick out in the beginning.

Once they were out of the bathroom, Blaine curled in bed and pulled Kurt against him when he finished dressing in the navy briefs and shirt and rubbed his hand through his Kurt’s hair, “what’s bothering you? You’ve been a bundle of nerves. Is it because I live in the same apartment?” He kissed his jaw and neck gently as he waited for a response.

“Just a little,” he said softly. Kurt’s eyes closed tight trying to push down the emotion threatening to well up and just focus instead on Blaine’s lips, his presence, the weight of his body against Kurt’s. “It… this was…” Kurt couldn’t say it. He reached for Blaine’s fingers and squeezed.

“I know, we’ll make it better together. I promise,” Blaine whispered as he shifted against him and sighed, “I’m here I’m not leaving, and this time I’m not letting you go. Kurt the last two years of my life have been nothing but numb. I couldn’t even have a decent relationship.” Blaine sighed, “you’re it. I knew it the minute you walked out. I was stupid for pushing you away. I love you.”

“I was the same way, there wasn’t ever anyone that could touch my heart. You still had it, you always have. I’m not going to let you go this time either, Blaine. I love you so much.” Kurt wrapped an arm over Blaine, holding him carefully, needing just this, just Blaine.

“I’ve been coming to your show twice a month for the last 6 months.” Blaine whispered. ”I had a rough spell of creativity at the office, and I needed to hear you sing.” He looked away, “you’re amazing on that stage.”

Kurt rolled his head to look at Blaine. He reached for Blaine’s face to turn him so their eyes could meet. “I hoped you were there. So often. I’d look out into the audience and I’d imagine that I knew right where you’d be in out there in the dark.” he sighed. “I’ve been following your work too. I… I’ve collected everything I could. It’s fantastic.”

“I miss recording,” Blaine sighed and allowed Kurt to turn his face to meet his gaze, “and I’ve missed you.” He leaned down and kissed his face again more slowly this time as he ran his hand down into Kurt’s underwear, “let me help you relax completely.”

“Oh, uh,” Kurt swallowed the rest of his protest as Blaine’s hand closed around him, stroking surely. “Blaine…” he sighed. He was sure this would be over embarrassingly fast but it didn’t matter. “Kiss me?” he pleaded.

He nodded and thrust his tongue gently into Kurt’s mouth tangling their bodies together and continuing to touch his lover. Blaine knew he was tired, and knew he wouldn’t last, but he also knew he would sleep best if completely exhausted mentally and physically. Their tongues tangled together for long moments, and Kurt felt a little guilty because he couldn’t do this for Blaine, not for several weeks, but he needed it so much. “Ahh, ah,” he panted into Blaine’s mouth, feeling his body start to tighten and strain. He tried his best not to jostle Blaine and before he knew it, he was there, coming hard and fast and still kissing for all he was worth. When he came down he felt completely sated and spent. A delicious languor stole over him and he settled deeper into the pillow still clinging to Blaine. “Love you,” he whispered.

“Love you too,” Blaine whispered as he kissed down his neck, “we should sleep.” He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as he wrapped Kurt tighter in his arms. Tonight he would actually sleep peacefully.

“Mm,” he agreed sleepily. Kurt drifted off to sleep only a moment later.

Chapter Text

Blaine woke and kissed along Kurt’s jaw as he slept. Sleeping next to Kurt was definitely some of the best sleep that he ever had, and he always felt rejuvenated when waking and seeing him. Watching Kurt sleep was one of his guilty pleasure, and seeing him sleeping soundly with deep even breathing had been a most pleasant change in his morning routine; however, here it was Saturday and Kurt was still sleeping at 9am when he most likely should have been at the theater for a sound check.

He stumbled out of bed quickly showered and pulled on clean sweats before padding into the kitchen and shuffling through the fridge. He wanted to eat which was a small miracle considering he had little appetite, but nothing looked pleasing so he settled on a ginger-ale and a small bowl of oatmeal before shutting the fridge and settling on the couch to wait for Kurt to wake up.

They really needed to sit down and talk about where life was taking them, and Blaine didn’t know where to start. Rachel had mentioned if he heard wedding bells, and Blaine knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kurt was the one and that he wanted him safe and happy but proposing now on top of everything they had going on in their life sounded huge and fast but he needed Kurt by him like air. He flipped through the channels before dozing off with Max at his feet.

There had been very little sleep lately so it was sort of a miracle when Kurt woke up and found he’d slept the entire night through. He stretched his hand across the bed, reaching for Blaine, but finding only more sheets. Blaine must have slipped out of bed without Kurt realizing and that made Kurt nervous. What if something had happened? That’s why he’d been unable to sleep so far. He’d wake up several times in the night, jumping at every little sound only to find that Blaine was safe and soundly sleeping beside him. He was probably just out in the other room, Kurt knew that. He could be logical about but that didn’t stop his heart from racing just a little as he pulled on his yoga pants and padded out to the rest of the apartment.

There was Blaine. He was asleep on the couch. Max lifted his head and looked at Kurt, his head shifting to the side as if to ask Kurt why he was so worried. Kurt just shook his head a little at the dog and smiled. Then he made a quick stop in the restroom before heading into the kitchen to start the coffee pot. Once that was done he he leaned against the counter to work on a quick to do list while he waited for his caffeine fix.

They needed more fruit. Blaine had been a real sport about the wheat grass but Kurt was going to bring over his juicer and try some different blends with other fruits to vary the nutrients Blaine was getting along with the wheat grass. Also he needed to pick up his juicer, or have someone else pick it up. Kurt knew he needed to go to his apartment, but somehow he’d managed not to have to leave Blaine since he was released from the hospital the other day. Oh he needed to have someone pick up his mail. He added that to his list. He needed some more clothes and, oh and he needed to actually check his voicemail before it filled up. He had fourteen messages waiting for him. Really if he was going to go to the store for fresh fruit he ought to grab some other things too, Blaine’s idea of proper post op eating was sort of heavy on the sugary stuff and really thin on food that would help him build his strength.

Kurt had been reading up on diet and chemotherapy. What foods helped the body stay strong, helped replenish nutrients lost, helped combat an upset stomach. He was armed with a ton of ideas, he just needed to get to the store. He ought to get some real cleaning done today too. Not that Blaine’s apartment was filthy, but it had probably been awhile since it was dusted and vacuumed and the bathrooms and kitchen needed cleaning for sure. Blaine’s immune system wasn’t very strong right now and the last thing he needed was to get sick because Kurt hadn’t taken the time to disinfect regularly.

The coffee pot switched off just then and Kurt poured a cup of coffee for himself. He thought about having a banana but settled for a piece of whole grain toast instead before heading back out to the living room to check on Blaine. Satisfied that he was still sleeping, Kurt began to tidy up quietly, forgetting his toast and his coffee altogether.

Blaine stirred slightly when he heard water running in the kitchen. He looked at his watch and figured it was Kurt making coffee. He rolled over and closed his eyes again only to open them awhile later. He was absolutely exhausted. Chemo seemed to make him tired all the time. He rolled over and noticed Max wasn’t at his feet, and Kurt wasn’t either. He got up and stumbled into the bedroom to find the bed made and the bathroom cleaned. The smell of disinfectant was strong in the air and he swallowed hard against the bile rising in his throat and backed out of the bedroom.

He did smile though because it was really nice of Kurt to do that. He had needed to clean since before leaving for the hospital, but exhaustion had caught up and it hadn’t happened. He walked back into the kitchen and washed his hands before reaching for some sort of snack. His body had been craving sugar, and he had been diving in. He was trying to balance it out, but something about the taste of his normally healthy faire was unappetizing, and all he wanted was a donut. He sighed and settled on a container of chocolate yogurt before going back to the couch, and noticing the untouched coffee and toast on the coffee table. Kurt wasn’t taking care of himself. He was too busy taking care of him. He took a deep breathe, and took a bite of the yogurt. He was just finishing off the snack when he heard the door turn, and in walked Kurt with Max, “hey you,” he smiled, “come sit so we can talk.”

Kurt smiled back, “Hey,” he said. “Okay, let me just wash my hands really quick.” Kurt headed for the kitchen sink. Blaine wanted to talk and Kurt had a few ideas about the subject already. Whatever it was, Kurt wanted to put it off. He’d been putting everything important off for days now but he didn’t really know how to stop. even now, standing at the kitchen sink, Kurt wanted to wash up the bowl and spoon in the sink. It would only take a moment he knew, but then he’d find something else and something else and eventually Blaine would have to tell him to stop. It was his dad all over again. Kurt knew he was doing these things but he couldn’t make himself quit. Quitting meant being still and being still meant having time to do other things like listening to voicemail and returning phone calls and thinking. Kurt washed the bowl anyway.

When he finished he dried his hands carefully. They were a little red from being in the chemicals earlier and Kurt rubbed at his dry knuckles ruefully. He should have found gloves. He ought to find the lotion. Instead he went and sat with Blaine. If he didn’t right this moment he’d be off finding something else to do. Whatever it was, he needed to go ahead and let Blaine tell him. He leaned in and kissed Blaine’s cheek as he sat. Hopefully this wasn’t about Blaine’s health. Kurt thought he could face anything except bad news about Blaine.

“What is it?” he asked hesitantly.

Blaine watched as Kurt went into the kitchen. He heard him wash his hands then wash the oatmeal bowl to just anyone looking in would think Kurt had a bad case of OCD, but Blaine knew that Kurt was scared, and he could tell Kurt was running. It was obvious Kurt was scared and feeling lost, and Blaine couldn’t help but think the only way to help him stay sane was to sit him still long enough for all of his emotions to bleed over and him to open up.

Blaine watched as he dried his hands and examined his knuckles before sitting down next to Blaine. He accepted the kiss smiled gratefully and sighed as he wrapped his arms around Kurt. ”Stop a minute; slow down,” Blaine whispered against his ear, “I’m fine just tired, and you are cleaning crazy and need to stop and slow down. When was the last time you checked in with work and called friends and went to your apartment or to the spa for yourself?”

Kurt leaned into Blaine, his heart hammering for just a second before Blaine spoke. Kurt’s defenses went up right away, but not because he wanted to fight Blaine. Well, maybe part of him did, but it was more because he was doing his absolute best. He was trying and Blaine needed looking after. No one else was lining up to clean or cook or shop. Maybe Cooper, Kurt remembered some discussions about that the other night, but... Kurt wanted to be doing these things, even though he knew he needed to do exactly what Blaine said. It was too scary to slow down or stop.

It was Saturday wasn’t it? Kurt didn’t say this out loud, but he counted back, it had been five days since he last spoke to his boss and he knew he had missed calls from work. He’d missed calls from everybody. He hadn’t been to his apartment, not since he’d left for the reunion, and he didn’t care about that anyway. He certainly didn’t care about the spa, was Blaine serious?

“Blaine,” Kurt whispered. “I can’t deal with any of that right now. I just want to be here, with you.”

“Kurt, look, you have to,” Blaine said, “you’re here and there is absolutely nothing you can do that is going to change what is happening with me. You need to sit and rest and keep your job because you are so busy running around and looking after me that I barely even see you except as a fly buzzing around my apartment.”

He cupped Kurt’s face with his hand and leaned in and kissed him softly and slowly before pulling away, “five minutes uninterrupted you time. That means no cooking, no cleaning, no running around, and even if for that five minutes you want to sit here and stare at me to make sure I’m not disappearing then I’m fine with that, but you have got to make time for you because Kurt I don’t want to be the cause of you losing who you are. Also you have got to call the theater and talk to the director. I know you have an understudy, and I know that you would much rather be here with me, but I will NOT be the cause of you losing the best damn thing that has ever happened to you so please do this for me.”

Blaine was so sincere it almost hurt. No, it did hurt because not only was he sincere, Kurt knew he was absolutely right. That didn’t change anything though. Kurt closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see that look on Blaine’s face up close. Blaine was worried and Kurt hated that he was the one adding to Blaine’s troubles. Maybe he could sit here for a few minutes. He could do that much, and he would be next to Blaine. If Blaine needed anything Kurt could get it for him. Yes, he thought, that might work. As for the other, well, Kurt didn’t know how to tell Blaine exactly. He wasn’t sure he’d be going back to work at this point.

“I’ll sit,” he opened his eyes. “I can sit with you for a little bit and then I have things to take care of. We need some things from the store too,” he said, swallowing. His eyes were down, focused on Blaine’s knee because that was something neutral. Kurt felt his stomach lurch in protest, but he shoved it all away. He could sit. For five minutes, because that’s what Blaine wanted and needed right now.

Blaine leaned in and sighed as he kissed down Kurt’s neck and massaged tense muscles in his arms and shoulders. “I need you to close your eyes and focus on the sound of my voice,” Blaine whispered softly before he started to hum softly in Kurt’s ear. He wanted him to relax and to breathe. ”You know nothing says I can’t go to the store with you or take care of your calls. I’m not helpless love.” He trailed his tongue gently against the side of Kurt’s ear and sighed, “I want you to let me take care of you too. This is hard for everyone involved, and just when you’re stressed out it’s okay to be scared and come talk to me. We’re in this together. Just remember that.” He slipped his hands away from around Kurt, “Why don’t you go back to your apartment, grab most of your clothes, and anything else you might need, and I’ll make us dinner. Cooper’s going to be in late and Max will keep me company while you’re gone?”

Kurt closed his eyes, letting Blaine’s mouth and hands distract him. God he was easy to distract. Part of him was glad Blaine knew that about him, the other part just wanted to grumble about getting back to work. Shut up, he told that second part as Blaine hummed in his ear. He could feel his head loll to the side as Blaine whispered about how he could help Kurt, all the while his lips and tongue played over the sensitive places Blaine knew so well. He didn’t want it to end but before long Blaine was pulling back. Kurt grabbed at his hand and squeezed it gratefully.

“Okay, I’ll go, I’ll pick up some things and then I’ll be back.” It was hard to imagine leaving Blaine unattended but maybe he could just double check that Blaine’s neighbor was here and could keep an ear out. He really didn’t want to do this at all, no matter how much he needed to. “You’ll call me though? If you need anything or if anything happens?” Kurt hadn’t let go of his hand yet.

“I promise, and I know Jessica from work is supposed to be bringing me some product papers to go over for a jingle project I’m doing from home while I’m in treatment so I shouldn’t be alone to terribly long, and I have Cooper’s number and your number. Rachel said she might even pop over today if not tomorrow. Just please calm down babe. I’ll be fine,” Blaine whispered again before kissing him softly and shooing him off his lap, “now go before I change my mind, forego doctors orders and take you into the bedroom to show you the true meaning of love, and relaxation.” He raised his eyebrows in a smirk and smiled, “I love you.”

The corner of Kurt’s mouth twitched up in a hint of a smirk. “I’m going,” he said, sliding away, even though he wanted to do nothing more than cover Blaine in kisses. That way led to trouble he knew. “I love you too,” Kurt told him. He stood up and then leaned back in for one more swift kiss to Blaine’s lips. “I won’t be gone long at all,” he began and then he stopped. If he was going to leave, he needed to actually do it. Kurt turned away, looking over the living room as if double checking that there wasn’t some sort of impending doom he could sense, but there wasn’t anything he could see.

Kurt gathered up his wallet and his phone, found his keys in the dish byt the door and reluctantly pocketed everything. Then he turned around toward Blaine again and smiled, bravely. “See, I’m going,” he said. “I love you, I’ll be back in a little while.” Kurt blew Blaine a kiss and then slipped out the door. He went by to check that Blaine’s neighbor was home and thanked her profusely for offering to keep an ear out in case anything happened and he left her his cell number. Then he headed down and out to the street where he hailed a cab home before he could change his mind, and right before he stepped into his cab, he dialed his voicemail.

**

One:
“Kurt, it’s Carole, we got your text, Blaine’s been sent home? How are you both doing? Call me when you get a chance and remember that we’re thinking about you and Blaine every day.”

Two:
Hey. I haven’t heard from you in a while. I know you were going to your reunion but everyone at the theater is saying something about an extended leave? Are you okay? Let me know if you need anything. Oh, this is Nicki.

Three:
Kurt, it’s dad. Call me.”

Four:
Hey Kurt, James has been asking about you, man. I hope everything is okay. The whole cast is missing you.

Five:
Mr. Hummel, this is a courtesy call from Green Mountain Electric. Your bill is past due. We’ll be sending a disconnect notice tomorrow and you will have ten days from the date on the top of the later to pay your bill. Thank you.

Six:
Hi Kurt, it’s Carole. I know I keep leaving messages, but we haven’t heard from you and Finn’s on tour and we’re just worried about all of you, all four of you. Just,

Seven:
Kurt, it’s James. We need to talk. Call me.

Eight:
Hey, Jo here, remember me, your friendly clothes bringing, mail checking neighbor? Are you coming by soon, your mail is piled up and taking over my bar.”

Nine:
Kurt, this is your father, who loves you. It would be nice to hear your voice again. The texts are great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s only so much information I can get out of two sentences. Tell Blaine we love him. I love you son, call home soon. You’re worrying Carole to death over here.”

Ten:
Mr. Hummel, this is Shelly from Cornelia Spa. You missed your appointment today and I was just calling to see if you’d like to reschedule. Thank you so much, goodbye.

Eleven:
Kurt, this is Lil. I’m worried about you, sugar. James says you were supposed to check in and you haven’t. If you don’t call him back today I don’t know what’s going to happen to your part. Has something happened? There’s a rumor going around here about a boyfriend who’s in the hospital or was in the hospital? I don’t know what’s going on but you need to let someone know what your plan is hun. Okay? Call me back.

Twelve:
Kurt, this is James. Your boss unless you’ve decided to break your contract. I suggest you call me or come by to see me today. Next Monday I’ll have to make some very hard decisions about Liir. Don’t make me do that, Kurt. Please.

Thirteen:
Hey Kurt, it’s Nicki, again. So, I heard about your boyfriend, I hope he’s okay. Will you call me? Just to tell me that you’re alright? Is there anything you need? I’m just worried about you. Please call me, Kurt. When you can. Bye.

Fourteen:
It’s me again, Nicki. Sorry I keep calling. I just thought you should know that Michael’s been in a bunch of meetings with James and he’s walking around like he owns the place. He’s even moved into your dressing room. It’s not right, Kurt. Don’t let him have the part. You’re our Liir, okay? Just you. We all miss you and need you back, so call me.

**

Kurt slid his key into the door, turned the lock, and walked into his loft. He flipped on the lights and closed the heavy door behind him. His knees failed him after that. Kurt slid to the floor, a tide of emotions spilling over before he even hit the ground. He let his head fall forward into his hands as he sobbed. There weren’t even coherent thoughts so much as an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, of uselessness. He felt tiny, so very tiny, and he curled in around himself there on the floor and let it all come out.

Eventually thoughts came too. His fears of losing Blaine, of losing himself, of losing everything that meant anything to him. How would he survive Blaine’s death? How could he live? He wasn’t suicidal, but he didn’t understand how he could even breath if that happened. What if it didn’t though? What if Blaine was okay? What if he went into remission and got well? Kurt didn't know how to do that either. He was trapped in this in between place where he was just getting by one day at a time. It was tearing him up inside and he knew he couldn’t keep going on like that, but he didn’t know how to stop.

He cried for Blaine. He cried for what Blaine had lost and what he might lose, and the way he suffered and still managed to smile, still managed to take better care of himself and his loved ones than Kurt could. He was a hero. He was amazing and he probably didn’t even know it. Kurt cried for their past and for the future he wanted. When he was done crying about them he cried for Finn and Rachel.

Kurt wasn’t aware of how long he let it go on. He just gave himself over to the release of finally letting it all out. Eventually he couldn’t cry any more and he pulled himself off the floor, slowly.

He’d made no firm decisions yet, but he was determined now to do better, for Blaine, and for himself. Kurt promised himself he’d dive back into living, even if it hurt, and that meant taking responsibility for for his health and his career as much anything else.

Kurt ignored the mess in his bedroom. He’d left it there before the reunion and now it just didn't matter. He did take a shower though, a nice long one. He dressed in something smart looking and packed his suitcase and hanging bag with the majority of his important clothes. He packed the rest of his toiletries too. Then, suitcase zipped and ready, he left his things in the hall and knocked on Jo’s door. She hugged him tight and passed him a box of mail to be sorted when he got back to Blaine’s. Then he locked his loft back up and headed out.

Chapter Text

Italics: Text
Bold Italics: Journals

**

Finn:  Hey, man. I haven’t been able to get a hold of Kurt. Is everyone okay?

Blaine:  Yeah we’re good. Just spending some quality time together. What’s up?

Finn:  Oh, sorry. Nothing. Never mind. As long as he’s okay.

Blaine:  Nothing like that.  I actually just took some anti nausea meds in prep for tomorrow so I’m
drowsy and we’re watching a movie. He’s fine. Are you okay?

Finn:  Yeah, I’m okay. I just actually talked to my mom for a little bit and she was kind of freaking out about Kurt. And freaking out about me and Rachel. And being my mom.

Blaine:  He called them. He went to his apartment and got clothes also. I talked to Burt for a few minutes as well.

Finn:  Cool. Okay good. My phone just has been cutting out a lot so my timing is off. That’s what happens when you live on a bus I guess. I’m glad you guys are okay, and that he finally left your place for a couple minutes.

Blaine:  Yeah I’m glad he got out too. He came back and we actually have sat down and just had some time which is good we needed it. Though I think he might have been crying while he was gone. His eyes were pretty red when he got back.

Finn:  Well I’m glad you two talked. It’s crappy he was probably crying though.

Blaine:  Stress. That’s all. I’ve shed more than a few tears the last week. We’re okay.

Finn:  Good. Okay.

**

Finn: Is this thing on?

Kurt: Oh ha ha. You’re hilarious. It’s been a little busy…How are you?

Finn: Yeah, I know man. I’m all right. Just checking in y’know?

Kurt: Thanks for that, I do appreciate it. I realize I’ve been a little out of touch lately. I’m glad you’re doing alright though.

Finn: I’m surviving. Halfway done. I finally talked to my mom so that’s probably good.

Kurt: yeah, I finally did today too. Good, like on the level though how are you? Not the bullshit answer, the real one.

Kurt: I think I’m falling apart, Finn.

Finn: What makes you think so?

Kurt: I can’t eat. I barely sleep. And I haven’t called my boss since I missed our meeting last week, after the reunion. It’s just really hard to care about anything but Blaine.

Finn: Was earlier today your first real break?

Kurt: Yeah. it was so hard to leave, but I know I need to deal with my crap, I know I do.

Finn: Knowing it and doing it aren’t the same thing. You’re hiding in Blaine’s apartment and I ran away so … I get it. I don’t know how to help or what to say.

Kurt: This helps. You’re the first person I’ve admitted that too, and it helps.

Finn: Good. I’m glad it helps take the weight off. I know you’re worried about time with Blaine now that you have him back. You just have to decide if that’s more important than, like, your job. You’ve been the lead for a little while so you might be able to make a clean break and then get back on stage once his situation is a little more settled.  Eating and sleeping are maybe a little less optional though dude. Me and Blaine both really need you to take care of yourself.

Kurt: I know, I know that’s right. I’m making it a priority, or as much of one as I can. It’s just going to be a real struggle to remember.

Finn: Yeah. Just do what you can, you know? You don’t really need me to ride your ass about it and I won’t. I’m here if you need anything.

Kurt: Thanks, Finn. I’ll touch base again soon, and I’m still here too, for you. We can help prop each other up as we go.

**

Week two of chemo started today.  Last time I really thought I was going to vomit until I died.  Hopefully today is better.  It was only an hour long infusion, and then I got to come home and be miserable in my bed so that is definitely a plus.  Also, I should probably text Rachel because I’m thinking about doing something impulsive...
-B-

**

Blaine:  I left a ring on Kurt’s pillow today?

Rachel: You left him a ring?

Blaine:  I did. It’s nothing fancy I don’t even really know if we should consider it an engagement ring, but it’s definitely a promise of a future together.

Rachel: Oh my god Blaine, call me with his answer?  Even though I know it’s going to be yes.

Blaine:  It’s not an...nevermind....I’ll call you tonight.

**

I had a meeting with the director today, so I missed going to the hospital with Blaine.  I know have to pull things together.  I can’t just walk away from the show, but I have no idea how I’m going to be able to face going back to work when everything, good and bad, is still so new.
-K-

**

Blaine:  I left you something in the bedroom.  Meet me in there in a few.

Kurt: Okay.

**



**

Kurt: I think Blaine just proposed to me.

Rachel: He what??

Kurt: I came home from my meeting at the theater, and he told me he left me something in the bedroom and that he’d meet me in here.  Rachel, there’s a ring here!!  I’m freaking out!

Rachel: I wish I was there.  This is so exciting!!!

Kurt: I wish you were too! It’s like… IDEK!!! I’m all happy and terrified and happy!

Rachel: I’ll call tonight, and promise no huge celebration till I get to jump around with you?

Kurt: Virtual pinky swear. I’ll see you when I get back, and I’ll touch base with you again later! <3

**

Kurt gingerly picked the ring out of the box and sank down on the edge of the bed. His fingers were shaking, but he slipped it on right away. It fit. Blaine was proposing? After ten days? It felt like a lifetime. A second lifetime. Kurt had never loved another man, and he felt sure he never would. Blaine had always been the one, even when he was the one that got away.

The ring felt heavy with promise on his finger. He held out his hand, staring at the ring and the way it looked on him. Then he ran his fingers over it, turning it round, twisting it as his mind rushed to work around the well of emotions springing up inside him.  Blaine was proposing. Kurt whipped out his cell and sent a quick text to Rachel before falling back to staring at the ring on his hand.

Blaine’s head was pounding from all the chemicals that had just been pumped through his body, but other than feeling tired he hadn’t been hit with extreme nausea yet. He wanted a nap, but he knew he needed to do this first.  He walked into the bedroom and noticed his boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed in obvious shock. He sat down with him and kissed his cheek and smiled, “I know it’s super fast, and I know you are probably freaking out right now, but I love you Kurt. I love you more than anything else.” He took his hand and ran his finger over the ring before curling up on the bed, “any questions for me?”

He curled up next to Blaine on the bed. Kurt was sure he had questions for Blaine, he had about a million, but he knew Blaine was going to be out of it for a while, if not really sick like before. “Can’t I just say yes now and curl up and nap with you?” He leaned in and kissed Blaine, but he could feel his lip trembling despite any attempt at being calm or rational right now. “I love you, Blaine,” Kurt whispered.

“I love you too,” Blaine whispered as he layed back against the pillows.  He smiled a tired smile and nodded lightly as he leaned in and returned the kiss. Kurt was his future. He knew that he had always known that. He wrapped him tightly against his side and closed his eyes.

Kurt tried to close his own eyes. He wasn’t going to nap, there was no way. He couldn’t even close his eyes right now because when he did, his thoughts got so much louder. He carefully curled his hand around Blaine’s wrist; holding gently. There was so much that needed saying and asking, but it would have to wait because if Blaine’s first round of chemo was any indication, he was going to be out of it for a long time.

For now, Kurt would just be here. Everything was clean, and he’d stocked some supplies by the bed that morning before they’d left and now he was just watching Blaine. Blaine wasn’t asleep yet. He was uncomfortable, maybe his head or his stomach. Kurt wasn’t focusing. He kept swinging from thinking about what Blaine must be going through to what he knew he had to do in the morning to what the future might bring. So many what ifs. He could feel his eyes tearing up. There was no way he could cry right now though.

Blaine tried to sleep, but between the intense headache and gnawing pain in his stomach all he could do was lie there. He sighed and relaxed when he felt Kurt wrap his hand around his wrist and hold it gently before opening his eyes and smiling at him. He could feel his body starting to shake with cold even though he felt hot and he knew inevitably he was going to end up throwing up but he just wanted right now to be quiet.

He laid there a few moments longer before the room started spinning and he made a dash for the bathroom before sinking to his knees in front of the toilet. He retched and heaved until his whole body started to shake, and just when he thought it was over more nausea sent him into more heaving pain. Once the moment passed he leaned his head gently against the cool ceramic and sighed, “I’m sorry.”

Kurt hurried to follow Blaine and while he retched over the toilet, Kurt filled a glass with water and wet a washcloth. Then he knelt behind Blaine and stroked his back gently. God it killed him to see Blaine suffer like this, but it was just something that had to be. Maybe that was one of the hardest parts. The same medicine that could save him was the medicine that was doing this to him. It seemed so wrong, in every way. “Shh, Blaine, don’t apologize,” Kurt told him as he gently wiped at Blaine’s forehead with the cool cloth. Kurt wanted to take this from him, he’d happily take his place if it meant he never had to see Blaine in such misery again, but life didn’t work that way.

Blaine nodded before trying to take a sip of the water only to end up shoving his head right back in the toilet until the wave of sickness passed. He didn’t think it was possible to feel more like hell though feeling like hell at home and like hell in the hospital were very different, and here he had Kurt, his bed, and Max. He stood after a few minutes washed his hands and rinsed his mouth out before collapsing in a shivering heap on the bed. He hated not being able to get warm and right now he felt so cold. He looked to Kurt and sighed, “come get under the covers and keep me warm. Please.”

Kurt trailed after Blaine quietly. “Alright,” he agreed softly. Kurt stripped out of his jeans and outer shirt and climbed slowly onto the bed again. This time he pulled the covers over himself and snuggled against Blaine. He was shivering even in the warmth of the bed, so Kurt tried to wrap his arms around Blaine, careful not to move him too much and force him back into the bathroom. One thought intruded in the silence and that was how Blaine could think about marriage while all this was going on. Did he feel a sense of urgency because he felt like he might not have long to live? Kurt bit into his lip and forced himself not to think about that. Maybe he just felt that they’d already spent too long apart. Kurt certainly felt that way. Once upon a time, Kurt had thought he would propose to Blaine. He’d clipped pictures and poured over jewelry stores and then life just got in his way and that idea seemed best put aside. Now, life was more in the way than ever, and Kurt wanted nothing more than to know that he and Blaine were for always.

**

Kurt watched Blaine sleep for a few hours before getting up.  There were still a few unopened letters, but they were probably junk mail. Kurt’s bills were paid, his agent called, his family called, and he’d even booked an appointment with the spa for Thursday morning. He still didn’t care quite as much as he should but he was going through the motions of being responsible.   He thought he heard Blaine up after a bit so when Blaine did ask for help, it was nice to get to push away the rest of the stack and put his focus back where he wanted it. In the bathroom he coaxed Max out with a toy and then firmly shut the door to the bedroom so he couldn’t get back in. “Can I keep you company?” He asked Blaine, quietly.

Blaine nodded as he crawled back up on the bed.  He still felt like hell, and his stomach was churning though not as violently as it first had.  He linked his hands with Kurt’s and sighed, “I never got to explain why I gave you this,” he said running his hand against the ring on Kurt’s finger.

“It needs explaining?” Kurt asked. He wasn’t sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed so he decided to wait on the verdict until he heard what Blaine had to say. Kurt’s eyes trailed down Blaine’s face, down to where his finger was playing along the ring on Kurt’s finger. It still looked as good there as it had that very first moment when he’d slipped it on. Kurt couldn’t quite make himself look back up just in case whatever Blaine said next was something so out of left field it hurt. Like maybe this wasn’t a ring for his ring finger, but maybe a fashionable thumb ring of some sort.

He smiled, “I didn’t necessarily plan to give you this today.”  He scooted up against the pillows, “I’ve been struggling for a few days about what I needed to do what I wanted to say, and I don’t want to rush this, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  He looked down at the ring again, “I want to actually propose with a diamond eventually, but I wanted you to have this because I want you to wear it and know that you’re mine.  I’m not letting you go again.”

Kurt scooted with Blaine just a little so he could rest his head against Blaine’s shoulder. Not really on him, because Kurt knew he was feeling miserable, but close enough he could pretend. He slipped his fingers in between Blaine’s as he spoke and he looked up to watch his profile, his heart lighter suddenly, half formed fears about the why of the ring dissolving as quickly as they’d come. “I put it on, right away,” Kurt admitted. “I don’t want to ever take it off, not even for a diamond.” Kurt felt just a little choked up. He was trying so hard not to cry but one hot tear rolled down his cheek and fell down on Blaine’s shoulder.

“You realize that if I ask the question you want me to ask your dad is going to come find me and kill me right?” he half joked as he leaned in and pressed his dry chapped lips to Kurt’s, “you’re everything to me.  I have never loved anyone else.”

“You’re probably right,” he sighed and swallowed, locking down on his emotions. Blaine wanted him, for always. That was enough. That was everything. “It’s a promise then?” Kurt asked. “What are you promising?” he smiled softly at Blaine. Echoes of another promise ring clutched at his heart in the very best of ways.

Blaine smiled, “Forever and always.”  Blaine licked his lips painfully.  His mouth felt raw, and his body ached but he still looked to Kurt, “if hypothetically you had a boyfriend who had only asked you back in his life ten days ago, then proposed, what would your answer be?”  He looked up into his eyes and closed his again as he curled closer to Kurt.”

“Hypothetically?” Kurt raised an eyebrow at Blaine, trying for nonchalance. “If that boyfriend was, for example, the only man I’d ever been in love with? Someone who knew me inside and out? If he’d seen the very best of me and the very worst of me and still wanted me? I’d have to say yes.” Kurt wrapped Blaine closer, nosing at his skin just the tiniest bit. Blaine would probably never realize this, but all day long Kurt had thought he’d done just that. Said yes. Kurt suddenly wanted very much to be able to talked to Rachel, squeal with her a little and maybe cry a little and have her remind him that ten days is no way near enough time to make a commitment like that.

Blaine could feel tears pricking at his eyes as he looked into Kurt’s eyes and sighed, “Then tell me yes and let’s not worry about your dad.”  Blaine ran his fingers against the ring, “I want you here with me every step of the way through all of this, and I know it’s only been ten days, but I just can’t see myself without you here with my in my arms, you holding me.  I love you so much, and I just want to know that no matter what happens to me you’re taken care of because you are you.”

Kurt eased back so he could look at Blaine. He saw the wetness gathering in his lashes, the sparkle in his eye that was just for Kurt. Kurt’s own tears fell then, unrestrained. “Yes!” he said, a smiling breaking across his face. “It was always yes. Always. I love you too, and this is a new start for us, ten days might as well be ten years because you’ve always been the one.”

Blaine stroked the side of Kurt’s cheek as tears fell down his face and leaned in and kissed him again softly before having their moment broken by bruised cracked lips, “my mouth hurts.”

“I’m sorry baby,” Kurt said, pulling back. He wiped at his eyes. “I have…” he rolled away and fished in the nightstand. “…some beeswax,” he finished and popped the tiny jar open for Blaine to see. “It’s honey flavored. i thought that might be nicer than vaseline.”

“Thanks,” Blaine whispered and took some of the beeswax on his finger and smeared it on his lips, “I love you.  I’m still so sorry that you are having to see me like this,” he took in a shaky sigh and breathed it out before whispering, “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared,” Kurt whispered. “I’m scared too.” Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine’s hair.

Blaine sighed as more tears fell down his face, “we’ll make it work together then.”  He sat up and chuckled, “but only under the condition you promise me that you won’t make me drink anymore plain wheatgrass shots.  They have to have something mixed in them.”

Kurt stroked his thumb over Blaine’s cheek, wiping at the tears there. “Okay, no more wheat grass shots. I have a whole website of green smoothies to peruse now anyway,” he teased. “Seriously I promise, though. No more plain wheatgrass shots.”

“Good because I love the energy, but I hate the taste.” he whispered.

Kurt nodded somberly.  “I love you, Blaine Anderson,” he whispered.

“I love you too Kurt Hummel,” Blaine whispered back.

Chapter Text

To: Rob & Charlotte Anderson (rcanders@aol.com) , Burt & Carole Hudson (bchhtl@aol.com)
From: Blaine Anderson
Subject: Health Update

Hi family,

I’m actually feeling a little better today, and thought I would write a note to everyone explaining what has been going on with me health wise. I have stage 3 testicular cancer. What this means is that by the time it was discovered that I had cancer it had spread beyond my testicle, gone into my lymph nodes and moved to my lungs.

Now you might ask how I didn’t know I was this sick. Cancer masks in different symptoms. I had some physical pain in my groin for a few weeks, but I thought I had just pulled muscles at the gym, then a few weeks after that happened I started feeling really tired all the time. I thought maybe I had the beginnings of the flu or mono because I just felt generally achy and had a mild cough so I went to the doctor for a physical, and that’s when he found the tumor. You might even ask how I didn’t notice a tumor the size of a walnut, and the answer to that question is I didn’t notice it because the cancer grew around my testicle and I had no pain until 2 weeks before surgery.

As, you know I’m currently doing chemotherapy to shrink the cancer in my lungs. I might also end up having to have radiation treatment depending on the outcome of the chemo. Other than feeling like I have the flu most days life isn’t as shitty as it sounds. Though if Kurt doesn’t follow through on his promise to not make me drink pure wheatgrass shots then we might have problems :P

We love you all.

Blaine

**
Rehearsal time. Friday is going to be my first night back on stage so that means I have less than a week to get myself back in shape and back in the right frame of mind. The rehearsing and working out will get me ready for the physical stuff, but I have no idea how I’m going to get my head together before then. On the other hand, maybe it will be good to have something to take my mind off of things. And everyone’s going to flip when they see my ring!
-K

**

So as it turned out not everyone was happy about my news today, some were more worried for me than others. Nicki’s a sweet guy, but I’m not about to let him bring me down. I am going to marry the man I love and that’s really all that matters right now.
-K

**

Kurt: We got a little break, how’s everything going? I miss you.

Blaine: It’s going. I felt like getting up and moving after drinking the smoothie so it worked I guess. I miss you too. I emailed our parents, gave them an update but didn’t mention the engagement. What did the rest of the cast say about your ring?

Kurt: Good! The cast flipped out, a few friends had some happy tears for me. Lots of questions, omg. At least this is good practice for when we tell our families ;)

Blaine: Lots of questions? I can see that I guess and about telling our families when do you think we should?

Kurt: Well the last time I saw anyone you and I were sort of… in the past. But our families? I’m not sure. Part of me wants to call my dad today and tell him, because it’s good news and good news has been in short supply lately. On the other hand I know he’ll think it’s too soon and I don’t want people raining on my parade today. I want a chance to enjoy it, if that makes sense. I don’t know. What do you think?

Blaine: Yeah I can understand how that would cause lots of questions. I wouldn’t mind telling our families now especially considering everything going on with me. You would think they wouldn’t care because it is happy news. Though I totally want a chance to enjoy it. By the way I was too sick last night to even care, but it’s been a week…

Kurt: Wow, it has been… so the doctor said… everything is okay?

Blaine: Yes so I have been cleared by the surgical urologist and only have to go back to him if I have issues with performance or pain.

Kurt: Well, then, that is good to know. Mmhm.

Blaine: You know we really should see if I can “perform”. What time do you get off?

Kurt: I’m with the tailor right now. She thought some of Liir’s costumes might need adjusting.
Shouldn’t be too much longer. Then I’m all yours ;)

Blaine: I wonder why?! I know you haven’t been eating. You need to drink more green smoothie things with me.

Kurt: I will. That’s a promise. It’s a part of that whole getting my shit back together thing I’m working on.

Blaine: Good deal.

Kurt: Have I mentioned today how happy I am to be your fiance? Because I really am. <3 And I sort of already told Rachel, so that means Finn probably already knows too. I’m sorry I honestly forgot I did that with everything that happened yesterday.

Blaine: I’m happy to be your fiance as well, and I couldn’t have picked a worse day to ask, but I couldn’t wait. It’s okay. There is something that I wanted to ask you about all this though? How close are you to being home?

Kurt: Leaving the tailor now.

Blaine: Okay. See you in a few.

**

Kurt hurried out of the cab. He was sweaty and he was sure he looked a fright, but he was anxious to get back to Blaine and whatever it was he wanted to talk about. He was also hungry. Actually hungry for real food. Kurt hadn’t even recognize the gnawing feeling inside him until he was standing in front of the tailor and his stomach growled. She’d given him a very stern warning after that. No more weight loss. Well, Kurt could deal with that. Not that he thought it would be easy to suddenly just be okay all the time. Blaine’s recovery was going to be a long process, but he was determined to take care of himself so he could take care of Blaine. They would help each other, as Blaine pointed out often enough. Kurt hurried inside and when he found Blaine he leaned in and kissed his cheek before sitting down beside him on the sofa. ”Today was really long without you,” he pouted just a little bit for effect, “but it felt sort of good to dance and sing again,” he admitted.

Blaine had just slumped back on the couch with a half of a turkey sandwich when he heard Kurt’s keys in the door. He was surprised he was getting around as well as he was considering he hadn’t gotten very much sleep, and the chemo had really messed up his system the previous evening but he wasn’t complaining. He also would never let on that he didn’t mind the smoothies. He was thinking that they might be part of the reason he had renewed energy. He turned to the door and smiled as he watched Kurt drop his bag and keys before coming and sitting with him on the couch. “Hey,” he smiled over at him and kissed him back, “I know I messed around on the piano and pretty much laid about until I thought I could get up and make some sorta food for lunch.” Blaine sighed and linked his fingers, “I wanted to talk to you about something though. What would you think if we got married in a week or so. I’ll be done with my first cycle of treatment. I get two weeks off then I start round two. I was thinking we could get a room at a nice hotel, and spend a few nights that way you can still work, but we can get away from here.”

“Yes!” Kurt squealed a tiny bit and his hand flew up to his mouth to stop more squeals from escaping. “Oh, Blaine!” Kurt threw his arms around Blaine, ignoring both his sweaty back and Blaine’s sandwich. He pulled back with a half guilty grin. His heart pounded with excitement. “That’s not a lot of time, but I think we can work with it! I need to hire movers, oh god, Blaine I need to get rid of stuff and find a storage unit and… Oh my god you do want me here right? And we’ll need to call everyone and get some help, and maybe we can find someplace nice, it’ll probably have to be an outdoor wedding with such little notice. I mean this is New York, all the good places have been booked for years and…” Kurt’s voice dropped away as he turned wide eyes back to Blaine, “Don’t worry about any of it though, I used to have my whole wedding planned out to the letter, I can totally work with two weeks!” Kurt was bouncing just a little on the couch, his heels thumping on the floor. He was already making a to do list in his head.

Blaine tossed the sandwich aside and wrapped Kurt firmly in a hug before kissing him softly when he pulled back and smiled at him. He listened to him ramble on about movers and wanting him there and planning this beautiful outdoor wedding. He couldn’t help but smile at his excitement and took his hands, “I’ll give you two weeks.” He ran his hand against Kurt’s cheek and smiled, “I actually can’t wait to have you all to myself for the rest of our lives.” He smiled and kissed Kurt softly before pulling back and looking at him and taking his hands, “You are everything to me and I can’t wait to call you my husband.” He leaned in and brushed another soft kiss to his lips, “We should go to our bedroom.”

The words, husband, sounded so good coming from Blaine. Kurt leaned into the kiss. It felt different. Just a little. Maybe that was his imagination, but when they kissed now it felt a little like forever to Kurt, and he loved that. “We should,” Kurt agreed. He wasn’t that hungry any more, but he did need a shower. “But I’m going to stop in for a quick shower first. I promise you, you want me to take a shower,” he teased. “Five minutes, I’ll meet you there.” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand and then lifted it to his lips, kissing it swiftly as he stood. Then he winked at Blaine and hurried off down the hall. He threw off his clothes as fast as he could, dumping them on the floor without care as he stumbled toward the shower. He turned the water on warm and stepped in under the stream. Two weeks. He would have to call home right away. It couldn’t wait. That was the first step, he thought. In the morning he could sit down in front of his laptop and start a comprehensive to do list and budget. Oh god they needed a budget. He couldn’t do this right now. Kurt began scrubbing at his hair and he had to force himself off the wedding details. He had a fiance out there with a green light for sex and there was no way he was worrying about a single solitary thing other than that right now and his five minutes were almost up. He hurried through the rest of the shower, just soaping and rinsing, before hopping out. Kurt snagged a towel and dried at his hair as he headed out into the bedroom.

Blaine laughed as Kurt ran off towards the shower and sighed softly before grabbing some Tylenol, and a bottle of water before going and lying down on the bed to wait for his fiance. He was tired and achy, but he needed to be with Kurt right now. He sighed and closed his eyes for a few moments before he heard the bedroom door pop open and he opened his eyes to see Kurt standing there completely naked and dragging a towel through his hair. Kurt really was beautiful, and he need him right now. He stood up and walked up behind him and kissed him gently against the neck and shoulders before whispering against his ear, “I meant to tell you that when they drew blood before my surgery all the results came back negative.” He drug his tongue gently along his ear before moving to suck on his neck, “I just thought you should know.”

Blaine’s breath was hot and Kurt’s ear tingled with his admission. Kurt was practically obsessive about testing. He always had been. That and protection. Blaine was the only man he’d ever been bare with and the idea that he could be again, and right now? It made his insides clench in delicious ways. Kurt turned around and pulled Blaine against him slowly, pressing a kiss to his lips. It felt indulgent being so naked and wet still while Blaine was all the way dressed. The way his soft t-shirt tried to cling at Kurt’s wet skin, the way his sweats teased Kurt’s thighs, he had to wrapped Blaine just a little closer to enjoy the way it felt. He’d already forgotten the towel. “I was negative at the beginning of the month and I haven’t been with anyone but you since.” Kurt whispered against the shell of Blaine’s ear and then nibbled. He was already getting hard thinking about it. Kurt tugged Blaine along to the bed and slowly peeled off his shirt, hands running over his chest. Then he dropped to the floor and did the same to Blaine’s pants, lifting each of his feet in turn to remove them. Blaine’s briefs left little to the imagination and for a second Kurt was thrown off and just stared. He leaned in and nosed along the outline of Blaine’s cock gently. Then he looked up at Blaine. “Let me make love to you, Blaine, please.” It was a question, but Kurt’s desire made it just a little bit gruff.

Blaine felt his whole body relax as Kurt turned and faced him. Water was still beaded up on his skin and the feel of the cool moisture on his sore cracked lips was amazing. He let out a low moan in his throat as Kurt wrapped him tighter and kissed him, and he relaxed even more when Kurt shared that he was also negative. He smiled softly. He had only ever been with Kurt bare, and he had even gone and tested every six months whether he had been with anyone or not. He smiled as Kurt tugged him to the bed and began to peel his clothes off. His body tingled as Kurt’s hands brushed against his bare chest and down his bare legs as he removed his shirt and pants. His current brief situation left nothing to the imagination and he was already getting hard as he noticed Kurt staring slightly before nudging his cock with his nose. “Yes,” Blaine whispered softly as he leaned into kiss Kurt again, “face to face and bare.”

Kurt kissed Blaine deep and slow. Then he helped peel off his briefs and petted at his thighs. He wanted to suck Blaine off, right here on his knees, but he knew Blaine was still tired so he stood and climbed onto the bed, pulling Blaine along with him. “Come ‘ere,” he said, leaning to kiss along Blaine’s mouth and jaw. His hands maneuvered Blaine onto his back so he could slip down his body, trailing licks and nibbles as he went, until he settled between Blaine’s legs. He began by kissing the insides of Blaine’s knees, slowly, each in turn. Then he peppered kisses along his thighs, his hands sweeping slowly behind his mouth. He licked the space where Blaine’s thighs met his pelvis, all the while careful to move slow and gentle though he was drowning in the taste of Blaine’s skin. His licks moved to the taut muscles of Blaine’s abdomen and Kurt couldn’t resist biting down just the tiniest bit on his hipbones. Finally, when he couldn’t stand the wait any longer, Kurt leaned up and licked the very tip of Blaine’s cock. He did this a couple more times before sliding his closed mouth along the length of it. Blaine’s scent, and his taste were concentrated here and it was a heady thing to be so close to having him, in fact Kurt was losing his self control because he gave up on the teasing and sucked Blaine in swiftly, moaning as he did so.

“Ahh,” Blaine breathed out as Kurt peeled off his briefs and moved his hands against his thighs. His whole body seemed so sensitive more so than normal, and he could feel his cock already feeling like he would come just from touch. He sighed and whimpered as Kurt began kissing down his neck and jaw before slipping down his body. The feel of Kurt’s teeth and tongue on his skin was amazing, and all Blaine could do was loll his head against the pillows and relax. He groaned as Kurt settled between his legs and began licking and sucking against his knees and thighs. He licked the sensitive skin of his groin and nipped at his hipbones. Blaine moaned out as Kurt’s movements and touch tightened the heat in his belly. He wanted this man so badly, and when Kurt’s mouth slipped down over his aching cock he cried out. ”Ahh…ahhh,” he whined as Kurt sucked him into his mouth and swirled his tongue along the shaft. He knew tonight he wouldn’t last long, “baby, fuck…fuck..,” he moaned as Kurt’s tongue kept swirling around the head, “fuck…”

Kurt hummed his satisfaction at having Blaine filling his mouth. He ached to swallow him down, to suck him off hard and fast until he couldn’t help but spill down Kurt’s throat, but he had other plans for tonight. He wanted Blaine to come with him buried to the hilt inside him. He slowed his movements again, sucking more gently until he pulled off with a slick sound. Kurt licked his lips, chasing the last taste of Blaine’s pre-come as he moved. “You taste so good, baby,” he whispered as he moved back up Blaine’s body. He bent down, lapping at Blaine’s lower lip before kissing him. Kurt’s fingers cupped his cheek, caressing him, loving him to his core. Then he reached into the nightstand and felt around until his hand closed over the lube. He pulled back to drizzle a little over his fingers and then settled so that he knelt between Blaine’s knees. One hand stroked over his cock while the other swirled around his hole, smearing the lube before he began pressing one finger in. “God, Blaine, you look amazing right now,” he whispered as he watched Blaine’s expressions.

Blaine could feel himself beginning to tremble with each touch of Kurt’s tongue and hands against his skin and cock. Every sensation was heightened and he arched off the bed in attempt to get closer and feel him surrounding even more. He whimpered at the loss of touch when Kurt pulled off his cock, and sat up to meet his kiss. He needed him so bad, wanted his love. He smiled as Kurt reached over and grabbed the lube and slicked his fingers. He could feel himself tense slightly as the muscles in his body tightened with the pleasure. He soon began to relax as Kurt slid a finger against his hole and pressed it in gently, “I feel amazing,” he whispered, “I want more. Please.”

“Like this?” Kurt asked, and pulled out long enough to line up another finger so he could press in with two. Blaine probably didn’t need a lot of prep like this, they weren’t blushing virgins anymore, but it felt so good watching Blaine come apart just from a few touches. It made him feel young again. It made his heart expand, and more than anything else it made him want to fill Blaine up again and again until they both forgot the world and all it’s fucked up shit and it was just them and this bed and the way they felt together. Kurt curled his fingers up, seeking the little bundle of nerves there until Blaine reacted. Then he hit it again, and once more before pulling out and reaching again for the lube that lay on the bed by his knee. This time he poured a generous amount into his palm and slicked it over himself, stroking a few times to make sure everything was evenly coated. He only wanted Blaine to feel good right now. Taking Blaine’s legs in hand, Kurt shuffled forward until he could lay down over him, though he kept his weight up off Blaine at first. He teased at Blaine’s entrance with the head of his cock, but it felt so warm and wet like that and Blaine was beneath him he couldn’t keep it up for long. With a soft groan he began sliding forward, into Blaine’s tight heat. “Oh fuck,” he whimpered.

Blaine moaned loudly as Kurt slipped in another finger and began to open him up with each stroke. He felt on fire and alive. His whole body was hot and he could feel himself coming apart slowly under Kurt’s touch. This moment was perfect. Being loved by an amazing and beautiful man knowing that the universe had brought them back together after years apart was enough to make Blaine’s heart soar. He groaned and clenched around Kurt’s fingers as he swiped over the bundle of nerves. Blaine hadn’t bottomed for anyone else but Kurt so to feel this way again after so long was amazing, and the soft way he prepped him was slow, tender, and teasing. ”I need you,” Blaine whispered as Kurt removed his fingers and slicked himself. He smiled and opened his legs further as Kurt adjusted and positioned himself in between them. As Kurt pressed the head of his cock into him Blaine tensed. The dull ache and burn of being stretched felt amazing, and he needed more. He wrapped his legs tightly around Kurt’s waist and arched up as he slid in. “Fuck I love you,” he moaned out before leaning up for another kiss.

Kurt swallowed up his words in a kiss as he buried himself inside Blaine. He held as still as he could, waiting for Blaine’s body to adjust as they kissed. “I love you, Blaine, god,” Kurt murmured against his mouth, fingers stroking against Blaine’s cheek. Beneath him, Blaine was relaxing, opening up, and Kurt slipped forward just a tiny bit more and he knew Blaine was ready. Even so, he opened his eyes and peered down at his lover. He needed that reassurance. He slowly rocked his hips back, just tiny movements meant to reacquaint their bodies with the feeling. Blaine was so beautiful and expressive, Kurt had to keep dropping kisses to his cheeks and mouth and neck. He wrapped Blaine up in his arms and whispered into his ear, “Please tell me if I’m too rough.” He ducked his head against Blaine’s neck and let his body start to lead him, picking up speed as he clung to Blaine and moaned against his neck. It had been so long, sex was just never like this with anyone else. Sex was impersonal for the most part. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy, he loved sex, but it was to satisfy a need, to scratch and itch. It wasn’t because his soul had to be as close as possible to another person’s. And the way Blaine felt, nothing between them, squeezing around him, burning him up. It was everything.

Blaine hummed contently as Kurt whispered words of love and care against his lips. He could feel tears burning his eyes as he met his moves and relaxed completely against the bed. He felt Kurt in him hot and hard with nothing between them, and it was like coming home. Kurt was home. He moved his hips up to meet Kurt’s as he rocked slowly into him and wrapped him in his arms. ”I will I promise,” Blaine whispered as Kurt ducked his head increased his speed. This wasn’t sex for Blaine this was love, and the feelings and the emotions were overwhelming as his mind thought about all that was to come spending his life like this in Kurt’s arms. He whimpered as he pulled Kurt against him. He had never been this close to another. Even his sexual relationship with Nate had never gotten this involved, this intense or showed love. Sex for Blaine after Kurt had always been an attempt to find a connection but no one had ever filled the void like Kurt. Their bodies fit perfectly together physically and emotionally, and Kurt’s moans and breathe against his neck spoke volumes to his heart and soul. ”Kurt…”

Blaine was perfect. Not in some far away idealistic sort of way, but perfect for Kurt. They were made to fit each other, to love each other, and Kurt didn’t even try to hide the fact that his heart was about to burst. He lifted his head, kissing Blaine as best he could even as he gasped for breath. He reached between them and curled his fist around Blaine’s cock and pumped as he rocked into Blaine again and again. Everything, all the time apart, all the joy of their reunion, all the fears about Blaine’s health and their future, all of it came spiraling together, filling Kurt with pure, aching love for the man in his arms. “I’m so… so close, baby. Come. With. Me,” Kurt’s words were broken apart but he was a clear as he could be as he tightened his hold on Blaine and drove them both faster toward their release.

Blaine moaned out as Kurt wrapped his hand around his cock and began pumping him as they rocked together. His whole body ached for release, and Kurt’s cock brushing the bundle of nerves inside him made him cry out. He needed to come, and needed the release. His whole body trembled as Kurt spoke, and the need in his voice was all it took. Blaine whole body tensed as his back arched off the bed as he came in hot thick spurts across his and Kurt’s stomachs before pulling Kurt tighter in with his legs as his body relaxed against the bed.

Kurt came right behind him in long shudders that seemed to go on and on and finally when his body stopped shaking he rolled carefully so that he was still wrapped in and around Blaine, but they were able to stretch out their legs a little and lay on their sides together. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed Blaine. He let himself explore Blaine’s mouth slowly as their bodies relaxed in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Kurt knew he needed to get them both cleaned up. In fact he probably needed to prop Blaine up in the shower, but for just right now he wanted this. He could get up and handle all the other things like a late lunch later. The only sound in the still apartment was their breathing and Blaine was warm and solid in his arms. That was all that mattered to Kurt.

“I love you too,” Blaine whispered as he breathed against Kurt’s lips and kissed him softly and closed his eyes. They both needed a shower but all that matter right then was the sound of their breathing and the feel of their bodies pressed together.

Chapter Text

Kurt: Hey Dad.

Burt: Hey son, how’re you? How’s Blaine?

Kurt: I’m pretty good, dad, Blaine’s hanging in there too. The chemo makes him really sick, but so far so good. How are you and Carole?

Burt: We’re doing good. I have to go back to Washington next week, and was actually going to call you and see about coming in one weekend. Have you talked to Finn?

Kurt: We’d love to see you guys, that would be great! I have. I think things are going okay, he’s been sort of focused on being a good friend and brother lately. I should probably ambush him later with a phone call.

Burt: Sounds like a plan. So how’re things with you besides work and helping Blaine?

Kurt: Actually, that’s why I called. I have some news.

Burt: Okay.

Kurt: Blaine proposed and I said yes! We’re engaged!

Burt: *goes silent in thought*

Kurt: Are you sitting down? You know you’re not supposed to stress out. Dad?

Burt: Kurt stop. *lets out a sigh* Look I know you love Blaine but marriage now, just now… I think it would be a mistake.

Kurt: Look, I know we’re rushing things a little. But this is Blaine. I was ready to marry him years ago. We just don’t want to waste any more time.

Burt: Kurt, listen, I will support you no matter what because I love you and you are my son, but think about this.

Kurt: I don’t know what there is to think about, but I’ll try. I love you, Dad, I just want you to be happy for me.

Burt: Kurt I just want you to think. You didn’t even speak to Blaine while you two were apart. Now after a high school reunion, ten days together, and the news of a cancer diagnosis you are picking up like nothing went wrong. How well do you know Blaine? Do you know about his friends, his job? Does he know anything like that about you?

Kurt: It’s.. okay I have thought about that, and I know there’s some current news we both need to catch up on. But all of that is just on the surface, right? The rest we’ll figure out as we go. I know Blaine and he knows me and we’re in love. And we’re getting married in a couple of weeks and I hope you and Carole will be there.

Burt: What? As in fourteen days?? Have you lost your mind? Hell has Blaine lost his??

Kurt: Yes, Dad, in two weeks. No one has lost their minds! We just don’t want to wait!

Burt: *blows out another breath*

Kurt: Dad, your heart…

Burt: Kurt I just… I’m worried for you.

Kurt: I know, I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight. I know it sounds insane, but… what if this is all the time we have left?

Burt: Then you hold him and love him every night like it’s the last. I just never wanted you to go through what I went through with your mom. I know Blaine’s a fighter and from what Carole tells me testicular cancer is almost always curable, but you can’t just forget that he is sick and you have to prepare yourself for the worst.

Kurt: I know. I am. I’m trying to. But Blaine is everything to me. Neither of us chose this, but it’s what we have to work with. Whatever time we have left, I want to spend it as his husband.

Burt: I understand. I love you Kurt, and I respect that decision.

Kurt: Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. I love you too.

Burt: Let me know when you have a date and Carole and I will be there.

Kurt: I will. We’ll make plans to see you both when you come in, okay?

Burt: Okay.

Kurt: Tell Carole I love her too. Bye, Dad.

Burt: I will, bye.

**

Blaine sighed as he slumped down onto the bathroom floor and looked at the locks of hair in his hand. He couldn’t believe this was already happening. He thought it would take weeks for his hair to fall out, but instead it had just taken days. He pulled his phone out and scrolled through his messages and reality hit. He couldn’t get married now. Not looking like this. He fired off a message to Kurt I need you, no rush, just come home soon please my hair is falling out in clumps, and leaned his head back against the wall and sighed.

**

Kurt was at his loft looking for his wedding scrapbook when the text came through. Blaine had said not to rush, but Kurt had no choice. He felt Blaine’s distress as if it were his own. In so many ways it was. He left his boxes in the middle of his floor and left. He even told the taxi driver to hurry. It was more than just what Blaine must be feeling though, it was the fact that Kurt had let himself get distracted. Just for a few hours. He’d let himself dream and he felt like an insensitive asshole for not being there when Blaine needed him. Once there, Kurt hurried into the apartment, dropped his things, and called out to Blaine as he moved down the hall. His hands were shaking just enough that he clenched them into fists a couple of times to steady them.

“Bedroom,” Blaine called out as he pulled himself up off the bathroom floor and walked back out to the bedroom. He knew this was going to happen, and he needed to pull himself together. He pulled a towel out of the linen closet and grabbed his trimmers before heading into the hallway, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kurt said. He saw the towel and the trimmers in Blaine’s hand and stepped forward pulling Blaine into his arms. “Where are we going to do this?” he asked softly when he pulled back. He was doing his best not to notice Blaine’s missing chunks of hair. The fact of the matter was that it wouldn’t matter to Kurt if Blaine never had hair again. That is, Blaine’s looks weren’t a factor in whether or not Kurt loved him and wanted him. Needed him. What did matter was that he knew it was upsetting to Blaine. What upset Blaine, upset Kurt.

“The dining room,” Blaine said as he returned the hug and gave Kurt a half crooked smiled, “I guess the plus side of this is that at least we know the chemo works.” He took Kurt’s hand and pulled him back towards the kitchen before he laid the towel on the table and plugged in the trimmers, “but I’m going to miss your hands in my hair while we wait for it to grow back.”

Kurt followed along with Blaine, hands solidly entwined, to the dining room. ”I suppose I’ll just have to find other things to do with my hands,” Kurt’s voice held just a hint of promise. He pulled out a chair for Blaine and motioned for him to sit down.

“Thanks,” Blaine said as he sat down after pulling his shirt over his head, “maybe two weeks was a bad idea now. I mean I didn’t think I would be completely bald in two weeks. I just…,” Blaine looked at his feet and sighed, “what do you think?”

Kurt bit into his lips, pressing them between his teeth until it hurt. The sharp pain kept him from saying anything too quickly. He’d anticipated this, on the ride back. It’s not like he could blame Blaine. He didn’t. It made sense and they really should wait. But saying any of that out loud was a little scary, because waiting right now, waiting for any reason was scary. Even if it was smart. He took a breath. ”We should probably wait,” he said. Kurt smoothed his hands over Blaine’s shoulders gently as he came to stand behind him.

Blaine looked up turning to face Kurt for a moment as he rubbed his hands over his shoulders. He sighed and touched Kurt’s face. He could see that the excitement was gone from his eyes, and Blaine hated that his issue had taken that light from his eyes, “actually no we aren’t going to.” He dropped his hand, “I’ll just rub bronzer on my head so it won’t shine for pictures.”

“We can’t, Blaine. We should wait.” Kurt was speaking lightly, trying to keep it in perspective. Right now, they both ought to focus on getting Blaine through this, he knew that. He’d known that all along, it’s just that he’d let himself get swept up for a moment in the thrill of becoming Blaine’s husband. ”I can wait. I want to, please,” he said.

Blaine nodded as he listened to Kurt’s words. He was right maybe this right now was for the best. He reached over and took the clippers off the table and handed them to Kurt and sighed, “Okay, we’ll wait. I’m sure that will help any family tension as well.”

Later, Kurt told himself, later he could feel whatever it was he was feeling. Right now he had to be here, in this moment, with Blaine. He took the clippers and gave Blaine a small smile. ”I’m sure it will,” he said. Then he stooped and kissed Blaine. ”Ready?” he asked.

Blaine kissed Kurt back softly and sighed. He knew he was disappointed. Waiting right now for anything wasn’t exactly a good call but at the same time waiting was probably for the best. He ran his hand through his hair one more time and sighed, “Not really, but there’s no turning back now.” He breathed out a long breath as the clippers switched on, “okay. Let’s get this over with.”

“Alright.” Kurt was gentle. He ran his fingers ahead of the clippers so that Blaine’s curls didn’t get caught at any time. It was painful to see the the hair gathering on the floor around the chair, but only because it was such an obvious sign of what Blaine was going through. He was fighting for his life. ”I talked to Dad today,” he said by way of distraction.

Blaine closed his eyes as Kurt’s fingers ran through his hair followed by the hum of the clippers. He couldn’t watch as the locks fell to the ground and gathered at his feet. He had to fight this. He smiled slightly when Kurt mentioned talking to Burt. “How did that go? I’m assuming he yelled a little.”

Kurt tipped Blaine’s head to the side to work around on ear. “He may have raised his voice a couple of times,” Kurt chuckled dryly. He tipped Blaine’s head the other way. “It went surprisingly well, really, though I suspect he’ll be relieved to hear that we’re waiting. He and Carole are heading back to Washington next week so they were wanting to come visit, if you feel up to it.”

Blaine leaned his head to the side as Kurt worked around his ear and sighed, “That’s what I thought,” Blaine chuckled. “Was he really that adamant about us not getting married within the next few weeks? I understand the hesitation but at the same time, waiting now. I dunno.” He dropped his head to the other side, “I’d like that a lot actually. Maybe we can attempt dinner out with them and Cooper.”

“I think he just wants us to be sure we know what we’re getting into,” Kurt said. ”I’m pretty sure he knows what we mean to each other, and he loves you.” Blaine’s head was almost all the way shaved now, Kurt was just going over the parts that weren’t quite even.

Blaine let out a breath as Kurt’s fingers ran against the bare skin on his head and sighed, “I know that I love you and I don’t want to be apart anymore, and I know that all this..” he pointed to the hair, “this is reason enough to get married tomorrow. We should just go and do it legally. We can have a huge perfect ceremony later.”

For just a moment, Kurt was tempted by the offer. But it was just no good. He’d spent all his young life planning out the wedding of his dreams and when he and Blaine got serious he’d fit Blaine into that picture seamlessly. Admittedly Kurt had not thought about marriage all the much since they’d been apart, but that didn’t mean he’d be able to walk into the justice of the peace and get married like it meant nothing. It was important enough to do right. It wasn’t supposed to be a chore, it was supposed to be a celebration. Kurt lifted the towel and began dusting Blaine’s neck and shoulders off. ”I think… when you’re better, when you’re healthy and free from all of this, that would be the perfect time.” He bent down and kissed Blaine’s shoulder. ”Unless you really don’t want to wait,” he whispered.

Blaine looked down at the locks on the floor before looking up to Kurt, “I admit it gives me something to look forward too, and incentive to not give up, but at the same time I don’t want to spend one more day without calling you my husband.” Blaine breathed out again and pulled Kurt onto his lap, “but I will wait for you and for us because I don’t want to take away your dream wedding. I love you.”

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and buried his face against Blaine’s neck. He was scratchy feeling from the remaining hairs and Kurt knew he needed to shuffle him off to a shower while Kurt cleaned up. He would in a minute, he thought. Then he pulled back and looked at Blaine, their noses almost touching. ”You’re not taking anything from me. I love you. I just want you to be happy. If you tell me that getting married right away will make you happy, then it will make me happy too. I want to be your husband…” Kurt hated the way his words choked off suddenly. He’d been doing so good up till now. He couldn’t say anything else so he kissed Blaine instead.

Blaine sighed and wrapped Kurt tighter in his arm. He moved his arms and cupped Kurt’s cheek as he spoke. He listened to the fact that Kurt wanted him happy and he wanted Kurt happy. He ran his hands down to Kurt’s shoulders as he kissed him back and pressed their foreheads together, “just being with you makes me happy. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kurt managed. He could feel his face starting to burn with the guilt of putting his own feelings ahead of Blaine’s. A tear slipped out and rolled down his cheek.

Blaine noticed the tear slip down Kurt’s cheek, “hey what’s wrong? Does my bald head scare you?” He joked trying to lighten the tenseness in the room, “tell me.”

Kurt gave Blaine a watery smile, but it fell away as fast as it came. ”No, it’s not that. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, even now.” He didn’t exactly know how to articulate what was going on inside him. It was too big and messy, but he wanted to share with Blaine. They’d promised each other. Kurt’s dad was worried they didn’t know each other any more, but Kurt couldn’t believe that. He wouldn’t purposefully contribute to it either, even if he was so ashamed it hurt. ”I don’t want you to think that I have to have anything fancy to marry you. I don’t want to put that ahead of you,” he admitted quietly. Another tear fell and he wiped at it with the back of his hand.

“Then if it’s not wedding what is it?” Blaine felt like he was watching Kurt fighting an intense emotional battle and he had no idea what it could be about unless it was him or something with him, “I want you to have a dream wedding I don’t want to rush you.” He looked off, “though as horrible as this is going to sound I want to marry you as soon as possible because marrying you is my way of protecting you if I die.”

That was all Kurt could handle. He felt terrible for falling apart like this, after all his hair wasn’t all over the floor, but he couldn’t stave it off any longer. Tears welled up so fast they blinded him. He didn’t sob per se but that was mostly because he almost couldn’t breathe.

Blaine just watched as Kurt fell apart. He probably shouldn’t have said that. He pulled him tightly to his chest and sighed as his own tears fell, “Baby, talk to me please.”

Kurt sniffed and wiped at his face as best he could. ’You can’t do that, you can’t,” he choked the words out. He looked at Blaine, or the bleary outline of Blaine. Blaine with his heart on his sleeve. Blaine who was only thinking of him, even now. Four hours ago Kurt had been on the top of the world thinking of nothing more important that color schemes and how he would look alongside the autumn foliage in Central Park. And now here Blaine was trying to make sure the man he loved was protected in case he died. That was why Kurt was crying, but he didn’t have the words to express it.

“Kurt please breathe,” Blaine got up and grabbed a bottle of water and some more kleenex as Kurt continued to sob. This wasn’t really how he had expected this afternoon to go, and he was almost in tears himself, “here calm down and drink this and talk to me. Like really talk to me.” He pulled him against his chest, “I’m not planning on dying because I’m not giving up that easy, but I’m planning on protecting you forever because it’s always been you. Please baby breathe.”

Kurt took a very ragged breath. His teeth clenched and he swallowed over and over again, trying to gain some control. He’d lost it completely and that was definitely not what he’d wanted to do. ”I’m sorry,” he said eventually. ”I’m just so scared, Blaine. I’m so terrified every day. And I’m sorry I forgot today, and I left you here so I could go look for that stupid scrapbook I have buried in a box back at my apartment. That doesn’t matter. I just want to be with you and not just while we have time, either.” Kurt was trembling but at least he wasn’t crying now.

Blaine nodded as he listened to Kurt talk. He was terrified which was no surprise. Blaine didn’t really know how to respond to that he just pulled him closer. “It’s okay you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I know it’s scary; I’m scared all the time.” He sighed as his eyes darted back over Kurt. “What do you want to do about that then?”

Kurt felt so lost and so small, but Blaine was strong. That was something Kurt had always known. ”I have no idea what’s right, or what would be best,” he admitted. He stepped back and leaned against the table. ”I want some people there,” he said, his voice getting a little bit stronger. ”Finn, Rachel, Dad, and Carole. Your family too, and friends. Whoever can get here in time. Other than that, you’re all I need.”

Blaine watched as Kurt stood up and leaned on the table before telling him he wanted people there. He stood and ran his hand over his head in frustration before pulling Kurt close again and smiling, “We can wait two months. I’ll be done with my second cycle of chemo then. Hopefully some of my crazy hair will have grown back and we can still order matching tuxes or custom suits and book central park. It’s not six months, but it’s not two weeks and rushing either.”

Kurt leaned into Blaine. He hoped this was right, hoped he wasn’t wounding Blaine in some way. It didn’t feel good exactly. It mostly just felt like Kurt’s mind and heart were put through the grinder and he wasn’t entirely sure they’d finished this conversation. He’d thought for sure Blaine was going to say they could do it over the weekend. He closed his eyes and kissed at Blaine’s temple. Maybe he shouldn’t have insisted on people. “Alright,” Kurt agreed softly. “You can go grab a shower if you want, and I’ll clean up in here,” Kurt offered.

“I’ll wait for you,” Blaine whispered as he kissed Kurt’s jaw. The words had dual meaning not only in the wedding conversation, but the shower too. He smiled at Kurt and sighed before grabbing the broom and dustpan. ”And I’ll help clean this up so you can come shower with me and massage my scalp.”

Kurt snagged the broom but smiled softly at Blaine. “Alright, I’ve got the floor. You can have the table and chair and then we’ll shower,” he began sweeping up before Blaine could protest.

Blaine smiled at him before dusting off the loose hair from the table and chair and wiping them down with a few clorox wipes then washing his hands, “I’m ready if you are,” he said as he watched Kurt finish sweeping up the pile of his hair.

He hurried to finish, deciding that a shower with Blaine right now was more important than breaking out the mop. He could do that later. He scooped the hair into the dustpan and dumped it in the trash. “I’m ready,” he said as he stored the broom back away.

“Good, Cooper can mop,” he smirked as he pulled Kurt to him and kissed him softly. “Thanks. I love you.”

“I love you,” Kurt whispered in return.

Chapter Text

Blaine sighed as he pulled the beanie down over his head and crawled out of bed. His head ached, and he felt like crap. His stomach was churning, and he needed to eat. That seemed to be normal for him lately though, and he also couldn’t quite shake the feeling of dread that was pooling and festering in his gut. He stumbled into the kitchen and looked around for Cooper. He had been staying with him since he arrived the night Blaine got home from the hospital, but most of his time was on set or his acting class. He noticed the note that Kurt had a spa appointment and realized he was on his own with his thoughts. He poured some soy milk and protein powder into the blender as his thoughts wandered to Kurt. Kurt was the love of his life, the man he wanted to spend forever with, have a family with, and thrive with. He was the one constant that kept his spirits up when he hit these lows, and he was the one that gave him hope. He smiled as Max nudged him with his nose, well he had Max too.

“Hey buddy,” he reached out and pet the dog with a grin and sighed as he watched the swirling liquid in the blender a few more moments before pouring it into a glass. He swallowed against the nausea in attempt to eat something, but before he could even stomach a sip he found himself curled against the toilet in the nearest bathroom heaving and gagging until he thought he would die. He struggled to get up but leaned his head against the bathtub instead. It wasn’t long until he heard the door click shut to the apartment. Maybe it was Cooper, maybe it was the cleaning lady, he didn’t really care until he heard the squeaky dog toy and shoved his back into the toilet as more nausea washed over him and he leaned his head against the cool clean porcelain.

**

”Blaine,” Cooper called again before knocking on the bathroom door and walking in. “Shit squirt, here,” Cooper said as he ran some water on a washcloth and laid it on the back of Blaine’s neck, “I didn’t think you would wake up so quick, I just ran to get your mail, and mine from downstairs.
“Go away,” Blaine mumbled as he continued to just lay there. He hated being seen like this. He hated feeling weak, but most of all he hated the sympathy. ”Stop looking at me like I’m dying and get out of here,” he groaned as he pulled himself to a more sitting than lying position and sighed.

“Not happening brother,” Cooper said as he reached out a hand to help Blaine off the floor. He wrapped strong arms around him and helped him to bed before going and grabbing the rest of the protein shake and handing it to him with a straw. He then proceeded to sit down on the opposite side of the bed, call Max up to their feet and smile, “so besides the nausea what’s got you down because this is obviously more than your hate of protein shakes. He chuckled slightly before turning serious, “it’s okay to be scared with me too. I know you’ve been holding yourself up with Kurt because you don’t want to lose him again, but I’m here if you need me.” He stood up to leave the bedroom with a sigh.

“Coop,” Blaine whispered as he sat up and looked at his brother with tears in his eyes and fear in his voice, “I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to die, and leave Kurt all alone. I’m the only person he has ever loved, and I can’t leave him. Not now, not after we reconciled our differences and have committed a lifetime.” Blaine sighed, “I just worry that a lifetime might be a whole lot shorter than we think.” He took a sip of the smoothie and sighed thankful that this time his stomach didn’t hate him.

“Blaine,” Cooper turned around and sat back in the center of the bed, “you know I have always wanted you to succeed. That’s why I pushed you so hard when you were younger, Nana too, and now here you are. You’re sick. So what? You’re successful, you have an album coming out in a few months, and you have a love that will never die. I know this whole cancer thing sucks balls beyond reason, but you can’t keep having these pity parties. Live for the moment, not the future.”

Blaine sighed as Cooper’s words sunk in. ”Yeah I suppose you’re right.” Blaine smiled at him, “now are you going to scream and point for emphasis.”

“Asshole,” Cooper whispered as he leaned in and hugged his brother tightly as his own eyes teared up and he quickly wiped them away before flopping back against the pillows and flipping on the TV, “Kurt’s first night back at Son of a Witch is tonight right? You going?”

Blaine smiled, “Yeah I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

**

Taking the stage as Liir again felt good. Much better than Kurt had expected. It was like coming home and though he’d only been gone a couple of weeks, so much in his life had changed in that time that it felt like months. Knowing Blaine was out there, in the dark of the theater, made the night perfect. Every time Kurt sang, he sang to Blaine, and for the first time since he got the part, he knew exactly where Blaine was. It was no longer just a fantasy about the man he’d let get away. Afterwards Kurt took his bows with the cast and if he teared up just a little bit when they stepped back away, leaving him out front alone, he told himself that was just the lights in his eyes. After all , he’d been Liir for almost six months already. It wasn’t that the part was new, it was having a fiance in the audience that made all the difference. Kurt met Blaine backstage, outside his changing room and he threw his arms around him, kissing him soundly and not caring who might see.

Watching Kurt take the stage as Liir had been amazing. Blaine had seen him perform several other times before that, but this time it was something special; amazing even. His voice was full and rich and Blaine could tell that this was the first time that he actually was performing not only for an audience, but for Blaine as well. Once the curtains dropped Blaine made a quick exit from his seat near the stage door and met Kurt at this dressing room. He returned the kiss and smiled against his lips. “You were absolutely amazing tonight.”

Kurt was breathless as he held on to Blaine in the hallway. A few of his closer friends happened by and whistled or teased but no one really intruded on their moment. Yet. They were apparently having an impromptu celebration of sorts and Kurt knew they would need to make a little appearance and share a toast or two, but then he wanted to get Blaine home and in bed and for more than just one reason. “Are you okay to stay a little longer?” Kurt asked, tugging him into his dressing room. ”It’s alright if you’re not, everyone’s just a little enthusiastic about meeting you. I don’t have a problem begging off for another time.” Kurt began peeling off his costume as he spoke. He waved Blaine onto the little sofa. ”I just have to clean this makeup off and we can go if you like.”

Blaine blushed slightly as the friends wandered by and teased and whistled. It actually in a lot of ways made him feel better about them still being a “hot couple”. He noticed the champagne and heard the popping of wine corks, but followed Kurt into his dressing room and sat on the sofa. “I am perfectly content to stay awhile. I’m tired, but that’s the normal and I can’t drink which is another normal, but I’ll survive.” He watched as Kurt cleaned his face off and stood up and wrapped an arm around his waist and laid his chin on his shoulder, “that is unless you want to go home now, but going home just means fighting Cooper for the remote.”

Kurt leaned into Blaine’s touch. ”I wouldn’t mind getting the chance to show you off just a little,” Kurt admitted. ”If you’re okay. We can park ourselves in a cushy spot and make them all come to us.” Kurt said. ”And then when they start getting rowdy we can sneak out and go kick Cooper off the couch. Or just go to bed, whichever.” He grinned at Blaine, just a hint of a leer in his eyes. He pulled on his shoes and linked his hand with Blaine’s. ”Let’s go,” Kurt said. Then he leaned in for one more kiss on Blaine’s cheek. He wasn’t hiding from his fears tonight. He wasn’t even distracted particularly, but he felt more even, or balanced, than he had in days. It was okay to enjoy his time here with Blaine and that didn’t have to mean he’d forgotten everything Blaine was going through. Kurt led him out and down the hall toward the sounds of laughing and talking. When they walked in, glasses were pressed into their hands as the cast swallowed them up.

“I like the sound of going to bed early,” Blaine whispered as he looked back at him and sighed. God he loved this man. Everything about him was just so sexy and loving, and Blaine couldn’t get enough. He watched him for a moment as he pulled on his shoes before leaning in to kiss his cheek. Blaine turned back to him and pressed an even firmer kiss to his lips and smiled, “a nice cushy spot with the love of my life. I think I can handle that.” He linked his hand with Kurt’s and smiled as he tugged him towards the cast party in the other room. Blaine smiled as Erin, handed them both glasses and whispered, “it’s just cider. I bought it to look like champagne.” She tinked her glass with both of theirs and leaned over to Kurt, whispered,”you are awesome,” before shuttling them to a couch in the far corner.

Kurt was happy to be led along with Erin. She shooed a couple of people off one of the little love seats so Blaine and Kurt could sit and Kurt grabbed her hand before she could slip away and squeezed. ”Thanks,” he said. She just grinned at him and then she was gone, back into the mix. Other friends of his made their way over, shaking Blaine’s hand and promising to tell all manner of horror stories about Kurt and his early performances and his diva days. Mostly exaggerated for effect, he promised Blaine. James, the director came by and was very sincere when he spoke to Blaine. It made Kurt feel warm all over, because only a week ago he’d been about to throw everything away, and James had given him the chance to come make it right. Kurt pointed out others as they sat sipping their cider. He was tucked against Blaine, warm and happy. ”I love you,” he whispered in Blaine’s ear.

Blaine sighed contently and leaned against Kurt tiredly. He sipped his champagne and nuzzled against his fiance and smiled before kissing him softly. It didn’t matter any longer that there were people around. Blaine just wanted Kurt to know how much he cared, and how nice it was to just get out and meet his friends and cast mates. “I love you too,” he whispered back as slight shivers when down his spine at the heat of Kurt’s breath against his ear, and that’s when he noticed the guy standing across the room watching them. He thought he’d felt eyes most of the night, but lately with the weight loss and hair loss and tired appearance it wasn’t often that Blaine didn’t feel like he was being stared at in some way. He turned to look at Kurt and whispered, “who is that? He keeps looking at us.”

Kurt hadn’t noticed Nicki yet. He’d known he’d be there, of course. Nicki didn’t ever miss anything to do with free booze. Not that he was old enough to drink, Kurt thought he was still just shy of turning twenty, but Nicki did happened to know he could get away with it in this crowd. Kurt had sort of hoped he might be tactful enough to leave them be and thus had put him out of his mind as he sat chatting with Blaine and loving the way it felt to just be with him outside the apartment for a change. That didn’t last long though, because there was Nicki, not so subtly eyeing them from across the room.

He was a good guy, really. Kurt knew he’d sort of sprung Blaine and the engagement on everyone and Nicki was just trying to look at for him. Maybe he was even a little disappointed that he and Kurt wouldn’t ever fall into bed together again, but Kurt wasn’t convinced that was it. He’d been pretty aloof for the most part. Not really a friend, not really a lover either. So his reaction earlier in the week had taken Kurt by surprise. “That’s Nicki,” Kurt began quietly. He smiled at the guy before turning toward Blaine. “We had an occasional thing,” Kurt said very quietly. “I told him all about you in rehearsals earlier this week.”

Blaine listened to Kurt speak about the younger man and sighed. He wrapped an arm possessively around Kurt and sipped his cider again before looking towards Nicki and giving him a ‘he’s mine’ look. The whole idea of that kid being with Kurt made Blaine’s skin crawl. He was pretty sure it was really more jealousy than anything else. He leaned into Kurt and kissed him on the cheek, “I actually kinda want to get out of here now if that’s good with you.” He really didn’t like the way Nicki was looking at him and eyeing them, and it was making him clearly uncomfortable. “I just don’t like the way he’s looking at us,” he whispered before leaning in to kiss him again.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Kurt agreed. He wrapped his hand around the back of Blaine’s neck and held him a little longer, for emphasis, in case any was needed. He didn’t want to cause any trouble for Blaine especially with someone who’d only given Kurt the time of day when he’d wanted an easy screw. Kurt didn’t have any hard feelings about it, it just never mattered. He could have some hard feelings easily enough if Nicki was going to make an issue out of it, though. He shot Nicki one hard look and then he was off the couch, tugging Blaine along close and wrapping his arm around him. Once they were outside Kurt crowded Blaine against the wall and kissed him, hard, trying his best to erase the one mar on their perfect evening.

**

Kurt: Just wanted you to know the wedding won’t be next week. We’re going to shoot for two months and we’ll let you know when we have a date.

Rachel: More time to plan!

Kurt: Yes, that’s true. I was thinking that waiting would be better, but then, with Blaine, and everything the way it is. I think I’m scared to wait. How are you doing though? You’ve been awfully quiet. Finn said things are going pretty good so I was taking that as a sign that you were enjoying yourself.

Rachel: Hey, don’t talk like that. He’ll be okay and you’ll get through this and you will have a lifetime together. It has been wonderful. Umm though I got some news since everything has been going on with us, and I probably won’t be able to have kids.

Kurt: I hope so, I’m trying so hard not to think that way. Blaine is so incredibly strong. I’m sorry about your news though. I can’t even say how sorry I am over text. I’m glad the two of you are talking though, and supporting each other. Blaine and I are trying to do the same, just being honest even when it’s hard.

Rachel: I feel like a failure.

Kurt: I’m sure Finn doesn’t think that way about you. No one could, Rach. You had something terrible happen to you, something completely out of your control and you’ve suffered so much for it in so many ways. You aren’t a failure, if anything, you’re brave and you’re a fighter because you’re facing this head on and Rach, I really am proud of you for doing it. I know it’s hard, I can’t even pretend to understand how hard.

Rachel: Thanks, Kurt. I just feel so broken. I don’t think I can explain it.

Kurt: You don’t have to explain, I know. I just love you. I wish I could help you, and I know I can’t, and that’s hard. I’m used to being able to just jump in with you, and this time I can’t. But you can talk to me, I’m still here. Even if I can’t fully know what you’re going through.

Rachel: I know I just...yeah.

Kurt: Rachel...

**

“How was your day babe,” Blaine asked as he heard the door close. The previous evening had been tiring. He had spent the majority of the day talking to Rachel while Kurt was at rehearsal, and Kurt looked like he was about to break when he walked in the door.

“Need a shower,” Kurt mumbled and turned his phone off. Then he looked down at it, felt like an ass, and turned it back on. He left it on the bathroom counter and stripped out of his clothes. The show had gone great, the ride back was quiet, but it was the texts from Rachel that sent him spiralling. He turned on the hot water and watched the tub fill and once he slid in, that’s when he let it out. Here, where Rachel would never have to know, where no one had to see him, he let himself feel the grief he had welling up in him. He cried, his sobs drowned out by the running water. When Rachel lost the baby, a part of him had been lost too. He couldn’t tell her how much he cried for her and Finn and that baby that would never be. She wouldn’t see it the way he did and he didn’t want to encroach on her pain or add to her suffering in any way. He didn’t know what it was like for them, but he knew what it was like for him.

After Blaine left, Kurt gave up any small notion he ever had about children of his own. He knew his one chance was gone. He was never going to trust another person the way he’d trusted Blaine, so he let himself imagine what it would be like to be an uncle instead. Finn and Rachel’s child would come into a wonderfully eclectic family who would cherish him or her. Kurt would love that child as much as any of his own. He’d imagined it until it became a part of him. An inevitability. Some day, when they were ready. Then there would be a child for Kurt to love, to spoil, to dress up, and to teach. They would sing and read and play pretend and no child would be more wanted than their child. Now, Rachel had shared that it might be that she would never have a child. She felt like a failure, and that killed Kurt. He couldn’t do anything to help her though. He couldn’t remind her that there were other options, he couldn’t tell her how invested he’d been. All he could do was sob in his bath alone, and support Finn and Rachel as best he could, whatever the future held for them. If they could just be happy again, then Kurt could be too, but while they suffered, Kurt’s own pain stayed a little raw spot inside him. Eventually he forgot himself and the tub was full so he had to turn the water off. The tears kept coming though. It was self indulgent and weak, and Kurt wondered if he would be forever crying for things that weren’t happening to him, only to the people he loved.

Blaine had been straightening up and resting most of the day since he just felt worn down and totally sick. The show had been great the previous evening, and he had sent Kurt off to do two more shows Saturday, and he had just gotten back and spent some time looking at his phone and then gone into the bathroom. The water ran for a long time, and Blaine debated going to check on him, but gave him some time until the water shut off and Kurt didn’t appear right away. He got up and walked over to the door knocked lightly and walked in without a care for waiting for a response. He noticed Kurt sitting in the bathtub sobbing his eyes out, and the first thing he thought was that something had happened at work or that it was finally all his fears for them. “Kurt, babe,” he asked softly as he slid down next to him on the floor, “talk to me. Please. What’s going on?”

Kurt didn’t hesitate. Maybe it was just that they’d done this so often lately, or that Kurt was so tired from everything piling up inside, but he didn’t think twice about Blaine seeing him like this. He sought Blaine out, wet arms reaching for the comfort he knew he’d find. “I heard from Rachel today,” he sniffled softly, trying to catch his breath. “She said… she said she might not be able to have children. And she… she feels like a failure.” Kurt told him. “There’s nothing I can do, we can’t even really talk about it because it’s not fair to her,” he had to swallow again and breathe but he didn’t let go of Blaine.

Blaine swallowed hard against the knot in his stomach and tilted Kurt’s head to meet his eyes, “I know she and I talked a long time about it all before she left. I can sort of understand where she is coming from considering everything that is going on with me.” He traced soft circles along Kurt’s arm and sighed, “you knew about the baby before she lost it didn’t you?”

He nodded just once. “I wasn’t supposed to,” Kurt felt more tears slide down his cheeks. He was so much calmer with Blaine here, but he was still incredibly sad. “Finn knows now, there’s no more secrets.”

Blaine blew out a long breath and sighed, “is this upset rooted in a need you had? I mean what can’t you tell her?” Blaine could feel himself starting to worry about where this conversation might go, “do you want kids?”

“I…” Kurt’s mouth clamped down over his confession and he looked at Blaine, considering. How could he explain it? “I only ever thought about it when we were happy, years ago. We were too young for it to be realistic, it was like a happy dream,” Kurt licked at his lips, his eyes falling to wear he was holding Blaine’s shirt in his fingers. “After, I just assumed that dream was gone. But I was sure Rachel and Finn would have a child someday.” Kurt had to take another breath. “I wouldn’t be a dad, but I’d be an uncle. The best uncle any child ever had.” The words twisted up in his throat so he couldn’t say anything else. He hoped Blaine understood what he meant without it sounding as terrible as he thought it sounded when he said it that way. That he was selfish, these tears were only for him and what he’d lost. They weren’t. Not by a long shot. That was only part of it.

Blaine looked at him and sighed, “you will be an uncle, and if I get my way, a dad,” he whispered softly as he leaned in to kiss Kurt, “but we can’t dwell on the hurt here. We just have to help them figure things out. I told Rachel there are tons of options. We just need to give everything time.”

Kurt drew in a quick breath. A dad. “A dad,” he whispered. He nodded at Blaine about Rachel and her options, he agreed. They could adopt a baby from the Ukraine for all Kurt cared, he’d love that child as much as any other they had. But that’s not where his mind stuck. It stuck on the bright image of Blaine, a little older, maybe, singing softly to their own baby. Theirs.

“Yeah a dad,” Blaine whispered back, “I sorta gave up on having my own kids a long time ago when we split, and I might not be able to now because of all the chemo, but I’ve been leaving sperm at the sperm bank in hopes that maybe one day we could have a family. I want a family with you and no one else but you,” Blaine whispered softly before kissing him, “and I hope that doesn’t totally freak you out.”

“I’m not freaked out,” Kurt said, softly. He wasn’t, and it surprised him, a little. It was so fast, everything was set at the fastest speeds for them lately, but he was glad they were talking about this. It’s not as if they were saying they wanted that now, they were saying they wanted it, some day. “I want that too. With you.”

“Okay,” Blaine said as he stood up and grabbed a towel for Kurt and motioned to him, “come on you should get out of there.” He reached out his hand to help Kurt up and sighed, “I’ve gotta be honest. Today I feel like crap.”

Kurt pulled the stopper out of the tub and stepped into the towel Blaine was holding. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “What do you need?”

“My old energy level back,” Blaine chuckled, “I’m just so tired all the time.”

Kurt wrapped himself against Blaine. “I know,” he sighed. “Nap?”

Blaine looked at him and smirked, “I’d much rather have sex than sleep.” He tilted Kurt’s head to meet his and smiled, “or bug Cooper like usual.”

“You won’t get any arguments from me,” Kurt smiled back at him. No one could ever say Blaine didn’t know how to ease a troubled mind. God he really was the sexiest man Kurt had ever known.

Blaine smiled and ran his hand down Kurt’s bare back and chest, “maybe a nap, sex, and nap again,” he teased before tugging him towards the bedroom.

Chapter Text

Blaine had had a rough few weeks, and now it seemed that things were really looking up. He had had his usual Monday treatment, and was feeling tired and sick as usual but this week was the final one for at least two weeks while his body had a chance to rest and recover. He sighed as he dragged himself up to a sitting position on the couch when his phone chirped. He had decided to attempt being social once the worst of the after effects had faded and had been dozing in and out for awhile. Finn was sitting there playing video games, and his phone had buzzed a few times as well so he figured it might be Rachel trying to see where he was. He smiled when he read the text over a few more times and kicked Finn’s arm, “Check your phone,” he mumbled before standing stiffly to go wash his face and crawl back in bed. Once he was comfortable he pulled his phone back out yawned, then called Rachel and waited for her to answer.

Finn wasn’t sure he completely liked helping Blaine with all this, but he definitely wasn’t gonna say that out loud because he would sound like a douchebag. The biggest problem was he felt totally helpless; he watched his friend basically have poison put into his body and then just sort of fade. It happened fast and there was just nothing he could do about it. He wasn’t so good lately in situations where he just had no control of anything but he sure seemed to keep ending up in them. Blaine had dozed off again and, try as he might, Finn just couldn’t. He was too keyed up after Rachel’s text about her award. There was nothing, save grand theft auto, he could channel that energy into. The apartment was clean, he had the feeling that food would just sort of make Blaine feel worse if he smelled it. So he played and waited for something…not that he knew what. His mom had been texting the majority of the day, wanting a solid phone call now that Finn wasn’t on the road any more and he’d been mostly ignoring it because…well, just because. He didn’t want to relive the last few days of the tour on the phone to her and she had this way of making him be just completely honest that was a pain in the ass. He sighed when Blaine woke, told him to check his phone, then went into the other room; maybe he’d at least order them dinner or something before he left.

Blaine sighed as he clicked the phone shut with Rachel and wandered back out into the living room to pass the message to Finn about heading home. The worst of the sick was over, and Blaine figured he could handle a little time alone if Finn wanted to get home. He pulled out his phone and sent Kurt a few texts to find out how close he was to getting back, ran a hand over Max’s head and headed into the kitchen. He washed his hands and cracked a can of ginger ale and box of saltines before taking them into the living room and slumping back down on the couch. “You can leave if you need to. Rachel and I were just talking about her award, and she wants to celebrate tonight.” He laid his head over on the couch and sighed as he looked to the taller man and sighed, “and if this is too much for you I understand. It won’t hurt my feelings in the least if you decide to tuck tail and run the hell out of here.” He laughed slightly and smiled, “She’s so excited I think I heard the screaming from here when she opened the letter.”

Finn looked at Blaine and just shook his head. “Nah, I’m not gonna ditch out on you or anything,” he said quietly. “But yeah, she’s excited. This is…probably just what she needs.” Max settled at his feet and he sighed. He hadn’t really had any allergy problems while he was here, but he was sure it was because Kurt kept their apartment so freaking clean he could’ve probably eaten off the floor. He had to curb the urge to pet the cuddly little monster, though, because he didn’t really want to piss off whoever was in charge of his, like, breathing. He scrubbed a hand over his own head instead of the dog’s and eyed Blaine evenly. He needed to keep the subject off himself and he’d be just fine. “No offense dude, but you look like shit. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do? Or is this just the normal?”

“Is it normal for me to look, act and feel like the walking dead? Yes it is. The first time I had an outpatient chemo I slept on the bathroom floor for four hours because the clean tile felt good against my burning skin. Kurt thought I was insane to say the least, and believe me I felt it so needless to say today is actually a good day. It really all depends on how fast it takes my body to react and start puking as to how bad I’ll feel the rest of the day.” He sighed and ran his hand across Max’s head and motioned for him to join him on the chair, “I have to admit though this guy is the best therapy ever. I can tell him all kinds of shit and he never tells a soul.” He slipped a dog treat from his pocket and gave it to the dog before spraying his hands with hand sanitizer and rubbing them together, “sorry you have to see me looking like this. I wish the circumstances were better. How’s the game?”

He just listened to Blaine, taking his illness in stride. It wasn’t like there was much else for the guy to do exactly but still; Finn respected him for toughing it out. “I’m glad today’s going better,” he offered weakly. He still just had no idea what to say. He breathed a little easier when Max moved. He could relate to Blaine’s statement that Max was a good listener. He’d always wanted a dog, but had obviously given up that goal at some point. He wouldn’t get to have a dog. His kids would never have a dog because of him. Didn’t matter. He wasn’t gonna have kids. He sucked in a sharp breath, hating how it just, like, snuck into stuff. He just wanted to not think about it and he tried his damndest to control the breath as he let it out. Let it go. Whatever. “It’s okay. You weren’t really around when I had mono but I totally guarantee I was worse. And whinier.” He pursed his lips, still hoping he could shake off the stabbed feeling and his eyes darted to the television. “Oh… um, it’s good. Thanks. I feel stupid just sitting here playing games. I’m supposed to be taking care of you, not…” he grinned a little as the trash talk left his mouth with barely a thought. “… not resetting your high score to such an epic level you’ll never reach it.”

“I had mono freshman year at Dalton. I can guarantee this is worse than that, but it prepared me.” He looked at Finn and watched as his eyes darted to the TV and back to him and dog. It wasn’t lost on Blaine that he needed to talk about something and way trying to hide it, but he decided to give him the time to bring it up. “Don’t worry about taking care of me Finn,” Blaine shivered slightly with a chill and closed his eyes, “I just like having someone here because talking gives me incentive to feel better.” Blaine sighed and opened his eyes before standing back up and going into the kitchen, “I’m going to attempt and choke down a smoothie. Do you want anything?”

Finn narrowed his eyes a minute and it took him a second to work out what Blaine meant. “No, sorry. I didn’t mean mono was worse than this stuff. I meant I handled it like a baby.” Well… that was an awkward choice of words. He talked a little quicker to kind of cover it up. “Umm… are you offering me one of those green things Kurt makes you? ‘Cause I’m totally gonna pass, but thanks. I’ll just hang out ‘til Kurt gets home. I’m sure Rachel will have some sort of dinner or food…I mean, she knows her audience so yeah.” He followed his friend into the kitchen. “So when do you have to do this all over again?”

“Yah I act like a baby with this stuff so I feel you,” Blaine laughed a little and smiled, “I knew what you meant. I didn’t mean for you to think I was correcting you.” He popped the freezer open and smiled a little as he pulled out the vanilla ice cream with a sticky note stuck to it, ‘I snuck this in when you and Kurt were sleeping. I thought you might want some after treatment. See you tonight. C.’ “Actually I was going to offer you a sandwich or something, but I can’t eat all of this on my own.” He shut the door to the freezer and showed Finn the carton along with the note from Cooper, “There’s chocolate syrup and oreos in the cabinet above the stove if you want any of those.”

Finn sat down at the bar stool and smiled when Blaine offered him ice cream, but he shook his head all the same. “Nah, man. I can’t. It might sound dumb but I can’t handle too much stuff like any more. Regular ice cream sort of makes me sick, honestly. It’s like it’s too thick or something.” He blew out a sigh. “I’m, like, half vegan.” He frowned. “I don’t know if it’s good I know it or not, but that chocolate syrup probably isn’t vegan either. I can tell just by looking at the bottle. You can always stash it in our freezer if you need to, though.”

“Vegan ice cream is good, but you’re right it’s not as thick and I can understand how it would make you sick,” Blaine sighed and shoved his spoon in the container and took a bite. The cool creamy dessert soothed the burning in his throat as he swallowed and took another bite. Blaine noticed as Finn frowned as he said he was half vegan, and truthfully the man in front of him looked about as mentally miserable as he felt physically. He took one more bite and sat on the barstool next to Finn, “so spill what’s really bothering you. You just look depressed.”

He had to fight not to grin a little when Blaine started eating because Blaine was making sex noises. Well… like… okay. He didn’t know what Blaine’s sex noises sounded like but… just whatever, he wasn’t thinking about it. Blaine looked so uncomfortable, sort of in general, he was glad something made Blaine feel even a little better. He just still really didn’t wanna talk about him, so he thought it was maybe better to make a joke or something. His eyes moved over to the container and he cleared his throat a little. “I don’t… I…” he shook his head and narrowed his eyes a little. “Is that the real reason you offered me ice cream? So we could have some girl talk?”

“I actually offered you ice cream because I don’t really have anything else worthy of junk food, and girl talk is over rated. You just look down I thought I’d ask, but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Blaine took a last bite of the ice cream and slid it back into the freezer, “I hope Cooper doesn’t want any of that as well because I might end up eating it all. It’s really the only thing that really helps my throat stop burning, but I’ll feel really sick if I eat it all at once.” Blaine slid onto a barstool next to Finn and sighed, “so you changed the high score on Grand Theft Auto. You realize that I play Call of Duty and Cooper is the one that’s going to wonder what happened to his high score.”

Finn sat back in his chair and sighed. “Yeah. Well your nap was longer than you think. I played Call of Duty first. Seriously, I’ve been completely useless this afternoon.” He rubbed his fingers over his forehead a little. “I just…I’ve had this feeling before. Talking about it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna feel like crap tomorrow. And probably the next day and next week and next month and just…” he trailed off before he shrugged and then looked over at Blaine. “I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do about a problem or whatever. I hate the feeling that everything in my life is out of control.” He swallowed hard. “You only knew me once when it happened before, but it happened more than one time. And I make really, really bad choices. Like…I lucked out last time because Rachel saved me. I’m just trying not to be an idiot I guess. That’s all.”

Blaine laughed, “I hate that, and hopefully I didn’t snore. You haven’t been useless.” He watched as Finn scrubbed his hands over his forehead and listened to him talk. He knew talking about it wasn’t going to change the lack of control, or make the feeling go away but sometimes just letting others in helped more than it seemed. Blaine placed his hand over Finn’s and smiled, “I’m not pretending that everything with everything is going to get better overnight, and as for us having any kind of control on what’s going on in our lives right now well as you can tell it sucks cause we’re barely staying above water, but as far as the lack of control in the situation that we’re not talking about it should all balance out eventually, and Finn this may sound shitty but the both of you might just need to grieve over the loss of everything.”

“You snored so much. If you had more hair I would’ve thought you were a bear. Or, like, a hockey player during the Cup.” He shook his head and let in a deep breath. ”It does suck. I just want stuff to kind of stop happening for a while so I can catch up, that’s all.” He licked his lips and swallowed. ”It seems stupid it would make me sad or it would be something I needed to grieve. I was already letting go of it altogether and… and Rachel just needs someone to be there for her. And she’s so sad then it makes me sad and it’s just this really big circle.” He rolled his eyes. “It’ll just take time. Everything goes away if you give it enough time. I know that.”

“I’m a hairless bear,” Blaine laughed, “sorry you could have kicked me.” Blaine looked at his friend and sighed, “I think what you both need is just to get away and forget or lean on your friends to help you out. Yeah we have our own shit, and it sucks balls, but we’re here.” He reached down and stroked Max’s head again before standing up to the sound of the keys in the door. ”Just think about it,” Blaine said as he went to meet Kurt and lay back down on the couch.

Finn heard Kurt’s keys in the door and that was basically his cue. He had told Rachel he’d head home to hang out and celebrate her award, and he said he’d leave as soon as Kurt was home. He stood up and looked around the apartment to make sure there wasn’t a mess anywhere or anything he would be leaving behind either. He patted himself down for his keys and phone and wallet. “I’m not gonna kick you. At least not for that.” He shook his head. ”It’ll probably sound dumb considering I was supposed to help you today, but thanks. I’ll think about what you said and maybe take you up on it eventually. It’s not like it’s gonna change any time soon, so…” He held a hand up toward Kurt in a wave. ”I ordered you guys dinner from that vegan chinese place me and Rachel have dragged you to a couple times. It should be here in like 45 or so.” He turned back to face Blaine. ”Feel better, okay?”

Blaine smiled and nodded a thanks and smiled as Finn left. ”You too. Okay.”

**

Kurt ran his finger down Blaine’s arm, absently as he rolled to his side. “I missed you today,” he said. He’d been trying to catch up on life in general since last week and he’d hated not being with Blaine during his treatment. Knowing Finn was there had helped a lot though and Kurt had his meeting with his agent. He’d also made an appointment with a personal trainer since his first weekend back at work had officially kicked his ass.

Blaine smiled as Kurt rubbed his finger against the skin of his arm. He felt a million times better just having Kurt with him. “I missed you too Finn was a great help, but he’s not the same.”

“At least you have some down time before the next round, that’ll be good.” Kurt threaded their fingers together and he snuggled closer.

“Yeah, I’m glad” he whispered and rubbed a hand against Kurt’s arm, “my throat hurts tonight. I’m supposed to go shopping with Rachel tomorrow.”

“Do you need some hot tea or something?” Kurt offered. He snuggled in close to Blaine, nuzzling against his upper arm gently. “Shopping?” he asked it almost as an afterthought.

“No I have lidocaine mouthwash,” he smiled, “so unless you want numb tongue wait awhile to kiss me.” He turned slightly, “mhmm she’s getting an award and needs a dress.”

“Wait, how do I not know this?” Kurt sat up enough to rest his head on his hand and he looked down at Blaine. I wasn’t totally unreachable today.” He pouted just a tiny bit to be silly. “That’s amazing news.” he grinned.

Blaine laughed “she told me then I fell asleep. I’m useless on Mondays.”

“Not totally useless,” Kurt snuggled back down. “This is pretty nice actually.”

“Mmm,” Blaine hummed and curled closer to Kurt, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kurt ran his hand over Blaine, down his side, down his leg, and back up. This was more than nice. It was still and quiet and Kurt needed this. Just being. With Blaine. Even though he was mentally worn and Blaine wasn’t feeling so hot, it felt good to be close and calm.

Blaine sighed as Kurt ran his hand along his side. He needed this time to just be still. He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Kurt’s before kissing him softly on the lips. “Couldn’t resist. Hope your mouth doesn’t go numb.”

Kurt chuckled softly. “Totally worth it,” he said. “Mmm, you smell good.” Kurt nosed along Blaine’s cheek, breathing in the scent of him, clean and warm and so very close.

“You do too,” he smiled, “fresh and minty actually.” Blaine leaned in and kissed him again. “What are your plans for tomorrow? I’m supposed to shop with Rachel during the day and then go to her show, so I figured I could send you somewhere to pamper you before your show?”

“You’re not going to believe me when I tell you this,” he smiled a little crookedly. “I’m going to meet with a trainer.” Kurt closed his eyes but laughed softly.

“Like a personal trainer?” Blaine asked eyeing him. “I need one of those. You should bring that person here. We can do yoga.” He laughed lightly. “Actually joking aside really, why?”

Kurt nodded as Blaine spoke. “Mostly because this weekend back to work kicked my ass and I’m trying to do the whole taking care of myself thing. I know I wasn’t gone long but I think I just need a boost. Though doing yoga together might be a lot more fun.”

“We should go three times a week to the health spa together then,” Blaine smiled. “I need to start building my strength up for the next round of treatment, and now that my body is more used to the evils, I should still be able to go while I’m doing the next round.”

“I think that’s a perfect idea,” Kurt leaned forward and kissed Blaine whisper soft, still trying to avoid the lidocaine.

Blaine closed his eyes and sighed as Kurt brushed his lips with his gently. “I think I scared Finn.”

Kurt kept his face passive as he asked, “How?”

“Just with how sick I get. I don’t think he was really prepared for that.” Blaine sighed and closed his eyes.

“Ah.” Kurt understood. The first round of chemo had frightened Kurt too. Even now it was hard seeing Blaine so worn and sick feeling.

“Two weeks off though. I wish we could take a long weekend to the Hamptons, but I would settle for a few nights in a hotel. Just away together; a change of pace.”

“That could be fun. Some place with a giant bathtub for two and room service, preferably with a swanky restaurant and lounge where we can dance and forget the outside world even exists.” Kurt sighed dreamily. He’d be happy to take a blanket and a picnic to the park and lay under a tree with Blaine, anything would be nice.

“Yeah that sounds amazing,” Blaine whispered and closed his eyes, “and maybe we could even go to the park before it gets too cold out. I need some sun on my bald head,” he chuckled and kissed him again.

“I’d love that. Oh! I need to call Dad. I haven’t heard from him since we last talked. I guess I need to ask him when they’re going to be in town.” Kurt’s eyes were closed and his voice was low. He was peaceful feeling, imagining things he wanted to do with Blaine if he felt up to it. A proper date might be fun. He put that at the top of his to do list.

“You should call him now before you forget. I should sleep,” Blaine whispered as his eyes closed and his voice trailed off. He was content and loved.

Kurt leaned in and pressed a kiss to Blaine’s cheek. he waited a little while longer to be certain he was really asleep and then he slipped out of bed and out to the living room.

**


Kurt: Dad, hi!

Burt: Kurt, hi. I got your message the other day, and I’m relieved to say the least. How’s Blaine?

Kurt: Oh, yes, uh, Blaine’s doing pretty good. Today was his last chemo session for two weeks, so we’re pretty happy about that. How are you guys? Are we still on for this week?

Burt: We’re good. Carole’s been packing things up as usual, and yes we are still on for this week. What days are good for you? I was thinking Friday night for a late dinner and you have two shows Saturday right?

Kurt: Friday night could work, and yes, two shows Saturday. Sunday is just a matinee though.

Burt: Okay, sounds good. I’m sure Carole will want to see Finn and Rachel and go to Rachel’s show as well.

Kurt: Definitely! So we’ll see you Friday night then. It’ll be nice to go out together.

Burt: It really will. Will Blaine be up to it?

Kurt: I think so, he’ll have all week to build his strength, and you know if not, we can always stay in.

Burt: Okay I just know what it’s like to feel like crap so I don’t want him to overdo it for our sakes.

Kurt: He’ll tell us if he doesn’t feel like going out, you don’t have to worry about that.

Burt: Okay good. Tell him we love him. So I meant to ask you this, but are you living with him full time?

Kurt: Oh, well, I mean I guess so. I still have my place though. It just sort of happened when I wasn’t paying attention.

Burt: *laughs* maybe you guys should talk about that.

Kurt: Maybe so. *short laugh*

Burt: How’re you doing? I mean really feeling.

Kurt: Stressed. Tired. Happy. Scared. It’s always up and down, but it’s better. I feel better than I did last week.

Burt: That’s good. You know I’m here and so is Carole if you just need to talk

Kurt: Yeah, and I appreciate that. I think talking is a little easier now too.

Burt: You sound better, if that means anything.

Kurt: Thanks. It turns out all those things I’m always pushing on everyone else like eating right and sleeping are good for me too.

Burt: Who woulda known?

Kurt: *laughs* Right? I love you, Dad. It’s going to be great getting to see you and Carole.

Burt: *smiles* We’ll see you Friday. I love you.

Kurt: See you then! Bye!

Burt: Bye

Chapter Text

So life has been okay for the most part, but I recently had a minor setback health wise. I was feeling really run down and weak, so when I went in for my routine blood work it was found out that I needed a transfusion. For the record, receiving blood sucks. It takes forever for them to type you, cross match, and get it started. Fortunately because I already have a PICC line I didn’t have to be stuck again. That was nice.

I got to see Kurt perform a few weeks ago. It was his first show since we got back together, and he was amazing. We stayed late at the theater, and I had the pleasure of meeting most of his friends. Erin is hilarious, and in a lot of ways she reminds me of Jessica. She’s intense and talented. I met James. He seems tough on his cast, but when you have to live up to running the second highest grossing show on Broadway, well things are important to maintain. Then there was Nicki.

Kurt said he was harmless but something didn’t feel right about him. He kept looking at me in a way I felt was almost like sizing me up. I don’t know I just I never want to feel that way again. Maybe I should ask Kurt about it, but at the same time I’ve felt weird from the beginning since my hair fell out so it could have been nothing. The important thing in all of this is that I have Kurt, and I think I know just the way to show him how much of me is in this for the long run.

-B

**

Blaine: Hey babe leaving the clinic now the transfusion is finally over!

Kurt: So glad you’re feeling better. I love you feeling better.

Blaine: Thanks babe. The nurse who gave me my test results was surprised I hadn’t collapsed. I was like you don’t know how stubborn I am, and she gave me one of those flirty smiles until I said I was engaged.

Kurt: Hahaha, damn straight you’re engaged. I need to stop being so busy. God, I have to watch you every minute. lol

Blaine: LOL. You don’t have to watch me you have to watch these insane women. Do I look straight or better yet do I scream I’m gay come love me? Maybe it’s the bald head? Women are attracted to baldness.

Kurt: Oh damn. No, I think you’re right. You are one seriously hot bald man. Hmm maybe you need a tattoo. On your head. I feel like this tattoo should be rather large and it should say, Property of Kurt Hummel.

Blaine: HAHA. I’ll let you draw it on with Henna, but we have to wait until after Rachel’s awards banquet.

Kurt: No, that’s no good. I need something right now. I have to protect my assets, Blaine.

Blaine: Really, well marry me then. Tonight after the show. It doesn’t have to be official with a judge or witnesses, but it can be a date. Just you and me hand in hand in Central Park.

Kurt: Okay.

Blaine: Really?!

Kurt: Really.

Blaine: I love you.

Kurt: I love you too, Blaine Anderson, you amazing man.

**

Kurt rushed around changing after the show. He felt almost giddy with excitement and everyone around him could feel it radiating off him in waves. He just waved his friends off and rushed to find Blaine. He had a little surprise of his own tucked in his pocket that he’d been carrying around just waiting for the right moment to give it to Blaine. Now, the moment was finally here.

Blaine slipped to the side of the stage during curtain call and waited to meet Kurt. He smiled when he saw him waving off his friends and stepped forward pulling him into a hug and kissing him firmly, “ready?”

“So ready!” Kurt bounced up on the balls of his feet. He wrapped his arm in Blaine’s and pulled him out the back exit. There were only a handful of people there so he waved and thanked them, and signed a couple of programs. Then he said his goodbyes and pulled his fiance down to the street so they could call a cab.

Blaine smiled as Kurt pulled him out the back exit. He smiled as Kurt signed a few playbills before pulling him out the curb to hail a cab. The drive to the park was quiet as he snuggled himself against his fiance, twirled the ring on his finger, and whispered soft I love you’s against his ear. ”Where do you want to do this?” he asked as they got out of the cab.

Kurt cuddled close to Blaine with no thought for the cab driver what so ever. He ran his fingers up Blaine’s neck and back down his back, relishing the quiet joy and sheer romantic frivolity of the moment. ”Is the Hans Christian Andersen statue okay? Conservatory Water has always been one of those spots I’ve always thought of as ours,” Kurt whispered.

“That’s perfect,” Blaine smiled as he linked their fingers together to take the short walk to the statue. ”I hope this ‘seals the deal’ so to speak, and protects your assets,” Blaine joked as he leaned against Kurt.

“Oh, I’m sure this will be just the thing,” Kurt assured him. Then he leaned in and kissed Blaine thoroughly and then tucked Blaine’s arm around his elbow as they walked.

Blaine smiled as they walked in sync with arms linked through the park. The night was calm, cool, and due to the hour not as crowded as one would expect. He smiled when he saw the dimly lit figure of the statue and unlinked his arm from Kurt’s and pulled him closer to his body.

Kurt’s pulse raced as he stepped in closer to Blaine. ”We’re ridiculous, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he whispered. He’d not meant it to sound so serious, but it felt suddenly serious. It didn’t matter that there was no one else here.

“Admittedly we are a bit ridiculous, but it’s so worth it,” Blaine linked his fingers with Kurt’s and smiled as he slid the ring off of his finger, “I need this back for a moment. You start.”

He nodded at Blaine. it was so worth it. ”Okay,” Kurt said softly. He looked into Blaine’s eyes, into all the love and hope reflected back at him and he took a breath. “Blaine Anderson,” that was as far as he got before he felt the rush of emotion tighten his voice. He smiled at Blaine, wrinkling his nose just a little, and squeezed his hand for courage. ”Before I met you, I dreamed of the perfect boy to love. Someone kind and loving, someone brave enough to stand with me, someone intelligent who could keep up with me in school, someone to laugh with and cry with. You were so much more. You challenged me on every level while accepting me always where I was at. You taught me what friendship was about, and you showed me how love changes the people it touches. I have never loved another man the way I love you. I promise to stand by you always. To be honest and faithful, to share your in your pain and your joy, and to spend the rest of my days building our life together with you as your husband.” Kurt’s voice was breaking toward the end. It wasn’t memorized, it was just from the heart. He pulled the ring out of his jacket pocket and slid it onto Blaine’s finger, his hands shaking the whole while.

Blaine took in a deep breath as he listened to Kurt’s words. His voice was thick with emotion, and his throat tightened and tears threatened as he listened to the words. He sighed as Kurt talked about how he was everything that he had ever wanted in the perfect partner and so much more, and Blaine smiled as Kurt slipped the ring on his finger with his still shaking hands. He clasped his hands over Kurt’s and smiled as he looked into his eyes and was met with the same love and care staring back at him.

“Kurt Hummel,” he cleared his throat slightly and swallowed against the emotion, “before I met you I didn’t know the meaning of love or true friendship. You were kind, caring, and most of all courageous to take the steps that I never could. You showed me what it was like to stand and fight when given the proper encouragement. You helped me grow and learn from my mistakes. You challenged me intellectually and held me up when I felt like I could fall. The last two years without you in my life while comfortable were nothing like the past few weeks with you. You are my everything Kurt, you complete me, you make my present happy and my future so bright. I promise you tonight that I will do everything in my power to love you, protect you, be your best friend and lover. I will always stand by you through the good and bad times, be faithful and honest to you, and I will spend the rest of my life being the best husband that I can be.” He pulled the ring out of his pocket and slipped it back on Kurt’s finger before leaning in to kiss him softly.

Kurt didn’t try to hide the tears that slipped down his face as Blaine spoke. When he was done and the ring was back on Kurt’s finger he honestly felt different. There wasn’t time to think about it though because Blaine was kissing him and he was kissing Blaine and nothing mattered except that. When Kurt finally had to stop to catch his breath he was laughing softly. He wiped carefully at Blaine’s tears, smiling all the while and for just that moment he felt completely happy. ”I love you,” he said softly.

“I love you too, husband,” Blaine whispered as he kissed him softly again and pulled back wiping tears from Kurt’s face, “we should go home. I have major plans with you,” he chuckled and linked their hands again, “besides it’s been a long day.”

“It has, my husband,” Kurt agreed with a smile. He walked with Blaine back to the road, happy and filled with warmth and love.

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh as he helped Kurt into the cab and pulled him back against his warmth before snapping a quick shot of their ring fingers, “Rachel’s going to kill us when she sees the picture, but it is so worth it.”

“She’ll get over it fast enough when we promise her she can upstage us both later in some fabulous gown at the family wedding,” Kurt giggled. ”You should send that picture to me too,” he added, leaning into Blaine.

“Definitely babe,” he smiled and kissed him again, “the night’s been perfect.”

Kurt kissed Blaine, tugging him closer. He didn’t have any other words for what tonight had been like so far, so he kissed Blaine deeper, tipping his head back. The night was perfect and when they got home it would be even better.

**

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last sat down to write anything here. Today has been a little busy, but good. I rolled over this morning and looked at Blaine still asleep on his pillow and the first thing I noticed was how much better he looked. I know that a lot of that is probably his blood transfusion, but it amazed me the difference I could see already. His color is so much better and the darkness under his eyes is much lighter. It’s good to see that, and knowing that he feels a little stronger makes me feel stronger too. Then I was off to rehearsals, and really that was just a lot of hard work. Erin stuck by my side as best she could today. She’s a great friend, and I don’t tell her that nearly enough. I think she could tell that I was trying to avoid Nicki.

That makes it sound really dramatic but it’s not. Nothing has happened. Nicki made Blaine uncomfortable and that’s not okay. You know it’s not like we were good friends before so it shouldn’t be a big deal for us not to talk now, but it’s like he keeps trying to catch me alone. So I’m just never alone. I focused on getting through the songs and dance numbers and before I knew it, the day was over. Tomorrow my dad and Carole get here. They’re coming to the show and then we’re supposed to have dinner with them afterwards at their hotel. All in all this week has been pretty damn good. I’d love it if Blaine could be done with chemo, could be cancer free. We’re not there yet, but this week has been a little taste of what that could be like for us, and it gives me hope.

-K

**

Kurt had never been to the Westin, but he’d heard amazing things about it. Shula’s was the hotel’s steakhouse and as they sat Kurt took a quick look around at the white tablecloths and darkly paneled walls. It was lovely and sophisticated, and not too busy at this late hour. “I can’t believe we’re staying here this weekend,” he leaned over and whispered at Blaine.” Then he turned to his dad and Carole, smiling and happy.

Burt smiled as he watched Kurt interact with Blaine. He was worried about both of them. He had been where they were, sitting in the wake of a serious illness, and he worried about Kurt. He worried about the impact that this could have on Kurt’s life, He worried about the impact on Blaine’s, but he swallowed those thoughts and feelings for the evening because they were clearly happy, and that was all that mattered to Burt in this moment. He wrapped a free arm around Carole as he turned and smiled at Kurt. “So what’s new with you guys?”

Carole noted the way the boys leaned into each other and smiled. She was still worried for Blaine, and for them both really. She’d lost a husband, and granted it wasn’t the same situation at all, but the thought was still there about how she could help Kurt cope. She turned to Burt when he placed an arm around her and smiled back at the boys. “You both look really well. Especially you Blaine. Last time Kurt sent pictures you didn’t look like you felt that great.”

Blaine smiled at Kurt before looking to Burt and twirling the ring on his hand nervously, “not much really. I’m going back to work part time next week which will be nice, and yeah those pictures were taken right at the end of my last chemo hell week. I was really anemic so I was really feeling down, but I’m feeling a lot better now.”

Kurt sipped at his water, then added, “But you’re feeling better now, and I’ve just completed my first week back to work. It’s been a pretty busy week all in all.”

Burt nodded and smiled at the young men in front of him before reaching for his menu and studying it some more. He had never really been one for tact so noticing the rings on both of their fingers he figured why not just address it right away because it wasn’t like he could stop two grown men from making a decision, but if they weren’t already married maybe he could persuade them to wait. He turned to Blaine. “What are your intentions with Kurt?”

Blaine choked on his water slightly, coughing as he recovered, and smiled, “keeping him safe for life.” He unlinked his hand with Kurt’s, “Burt, I love him, and want to be with him, and while I know and understand that things haven’t always been pleasant between Kurt and I especially the last two years, the separation has given me time to grow as a person, and I have never been more certain of anything before now.”

Carole glanced nervously at Burt. She wasn’t about to stop him, he had every right to ask, but he had never been one for tact. Preferring to always get straight to the heart of a matter. She loved him for it most of the time, but they hadn’t even placed their drink orders. Carole squeezed his arm just a tiny bit, hoping to convey calm, but also support.

“And I love him, I’m choosing him,” Kurt said almost defensively against his father, and he wrapped his hand around Blaine’s arm for emphasis. ”We’re doing this,” he said, “and just so that everyone’s clear, no isn’t an option.”

Burt felt his face go warm at Blaine’s abruptness and Kurt’s tone and he looked into his menu for a moment before looking to Carole and back at Kurt and Blaine. He knew that he shouldn’t argue. Kurt was stubborn and he would do it despite Burt’s approval or not, maybe in fact they already were. He was worried, but truth of the matter Blaine wasn’t a bad guy and it would be selfish of him to keep them apart or not accept their reconciliation over something as complex as his past. He smiled at both of the men. “Then I support your decision.”

“We both do,” Carole added. She’d just seen the ring flash on Blaine’s finger and wondered if that was what had started Burt out on this topic, but it didn’t much matter. Kurt was a determined young man; he always had been. When he wanted something he went after it with a vengeance and there was no point trying to get in his way. These boys were going to need all the love and support they could get, and that was what Carole intended to give them. It helped to know that Burt was on the same page too.

Blaine swallowed hard against the emotions rising in his throat and linked fingers with Kurt. It really meant a lot to him to have Burt and Carole’s support especially considering his own strained relationship with his father at times. He smiled and whispered, “thank you,” before looking back down into his menu and taking a few deep breaths.

Kurt leaned in and kissed Blaine very swiftly on the cheek before lifting his own menu and looking for something to order. He did sneak a grin over to his dad after a moment. Then he asked the waiter for a blush wine and waited just a little bit while the others ordered their drinks and turned back to their menus. Burt watched a moment as Kurt leaned over and kissed Blaine’s cheek. It was obvious the amount of care and love that Kurt had for Blaine. He smiled back at Kurt in reaffirmation of his support and ordered a glass of red wine before turning to Carole and smiling.

The rest of the evening went smoothly as they all got caught up on each others lives. It felt so good to be together, sharing a meal and laughing with one another, that both Blaine and Kurt were able to relax and leave their worries behind for a couple of hours. They spent that entire weekend at the hotel, luxuriating in the chance to just be totally alone at the end of each day and wrapped up in each other safe from the outside world and the many stresses that faced them each and every day. Neither of them realizing just how quickly things might take another turn for the worse or what troubles might be right around the corner.

Chapter Text

This week has been crap and it’s only Monday. Saturday is a hard enough day for me. I have to be away from Blaine the majority of the day, thanks to the two shows I have. I was riding a high from Friday night dinner with my parents and getting to stay in the hotel with Blaine, so I think running into Nicki was just especially jarring. It’s not that he was mean, I just don’t feel like I have any extra energy to deal with the him at all.

I have Blaine, I have my family, and I have my career. That’s pretty much it for me right now. He was in my dressing room after the matinee. He was pacing back and forth and talking so fast it was hard to catch most of what he said, but he looked upset so I just let him talk. Nicki said a lot about my avoiding him and not returning his messages on facebook and how he’s just trying to be supportive. I had no idea what he meant by half of it. I haven’t even been on facebook this week.

I apologized for making him feel slighted but I reaffirmed to him that I was busy with Blaine. He assured me that he was only trying to be a good friend, and I just didn’t know what else to say to that. He left pretty quickly afterwards but it left me feeling worn down. I’m not against being Nicki’s friend, but I do sort of wonder what exactly that means to him.

-K

**

Blaine: How’s your Monday?

Kurt: Shit. I’m on the way to the ER. I landed wrong at rehearsal.

Blaine: Need me to come up there?

Kurt: No, because if you sit here you’ll risk getting sick. I’ll text you when I’m done.

Blaine: Okay. I love you. Have Erin or James call me if it’s bad and you have to stay over.

Kurt: Okay. Love you too.

**


Today has been blah. I’m so tired, and I think Rachel and I went five hundred different places to dress shop. I narrowed the selection down slightly, but she’s busy playing it safe. I told her she needs to step up and accept the award as a woman not looking like a prom queen. We’ll see if she listens. Maybe I should have invited Kurt along, but it was her shopping trip and really not my place.

-B

**

Finn: How was your visit with the parents?

Blaine: It was nice. Of course Burt drilled me with questions, but I expected that. We just got home from the hotel. Now I just want to curl in bed and sleep the rest of the day. I don’t feel all that great. I’m probably just worn down from all the excitement of the weekend and late nights

Finn: Yeah. Sounds like you definitely need to get some rest and take it easy for a few days at least.

Blaine: Yeah, I’m not too worried. We need to go get formal wear eventually for this awards banquet.

Finn: Oh, right. Doesn’t mine sort of depend on what Rachel’s gonna wear though?

Blaine: My plan is for Kurt and I to wear basic black. You too so Rachel will stand out! We just have to see what she chooses though, and as for Kurt well you know him :)

Finn: Yeah. Well I have a tux that’s pretty basic so I can probably just wear that. I can get a black shirt instead of a white one if you want though.

Blaine: White shirt is fine. We just want Rachel to stand out :)

Kurt: Really? Both of you need to learn to reply to group messages. No matter what is decided I will look fabulous. I won’t try to outshine Rachel, but you both know me. Apparently. It’s a good thing I am so fond of you both.

**
Blaine: Kurt...

Kurt: You’re laughing at me...

Blaine: What?! I’m not laughing at you. You have always said you pull focus.

Kurt: I happen to like to pull focus. I just never knew it bothered you. And you don’t have to send Cooper, I can get in a cab just fine.

Blaine: It doesn’t bother me. I like it. I am sending Cooper. Crutches are a bitch.

Kurt: “Oh, well, lol, you know how Kurt is.” That seems like you think I’m pretty funny, Blaine. Or maybe you just think I have a terrible sense of fashion these days. Fine. I hate crutches.

Blaine: Wow using my conversation with Finn against me. I love you, I thought you would understand that as joking around and loving your fashion sense. I said if I get my way knowing I probably won’t because you have much better taste. Ugh...

Kurt: Why wasn’t I invited to go shopping with Rachel?

Blaine: Ask her. We went on a Tuesday morning I didn’t know your schedule.

Kurt: Fine. You’ve done nothing wrong, obviously. Just completely disregarded how any of that might make me feel.

Blaine: I’m sorry it’s not my place to invite you shopping. It’s her dress. Take it up with her.

Kurt: I’m not even talking about that! You know what? I don’t feel like doing this.

Blaine: Doing what? This talk or this relationship? Because it’s pretty clear to me that you feel like I totally disregarded you on purpose which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Kurt: I can’t believe you just asked me that. I’m mad Blaine, I can be mad! Maybe you’re the one with the second thoughts.

Blaine: No I don’t have second thoughts, not a one. I just don't understand why you are blowing up on me over something that you would normally take as just a joke between us. Whatever.

Kurt: I’m sorry I’m such a miserable asshole. Cooper’s here, I’m putting away my phone. You can yell at me properly for my outburst when I get there.

**

Kurt: Sorry I’ve just had a shit day.

Finn: Are other things okay?

Kurt: Not really. There’s this guy at work and I don’t know what to do with him, and then I realized that my two months until the wedding turned into six weeks, and then the sprained ankle. Then I picked a fight with Blaine for no good reason. I hate today. Today sucks.

Finn: …how long has it been since we talked? Maybe we should go to the pub tomorrow and catch up. We’ll order something you can stab a lot.

Kurt: That sounds really good, Finn. Stabbing things sounds just about right.

**

Blaine shoved an ice pack into a wash cloth wrap after blowing his nose and washing his hands. He felt like crap. He was supposed to have gone back to work, but woke up feeling achy and run down so he had promised Kurt he wouldn’t go in if he felt off, and he stayed home and slept until he got the phone call. Kurt had landed wrong and twisted his ankle pretty badly at rehearsal, and because he was already feeling like crap he sent Cooper to get him, and the argument had just escalated from there. He picked up his phone and read it again before shoving it back into his pocket and placing another ice pack in a washcloth.

Kurt didn’t speak to Cooper on the way home except to thank him for coming after him. He was too afraid of what he would say, though he wasn’t sure if he was afraid he would start going off on Cooper too or if he would fall apart and cry. Neither sounded very promising so he kept his mouth shut. He was still boiling inside though, that hadn’t changed, even if it was mingled with a heavy dose of guilt. When they got back to Blaine’s apartment, Kurt hobbled in and let Cooper settle him onto the sofa.

Blaine sighed as the door clicked open and Max perked up. He had gotten to where he knew when it was Cooper, himself, or Kurt. Blaine grabbed a few of the ice packs and took one to Kurt and handed it to him quickly before saying hi and walking back into the kitchen to get him some water and tylenol, “here take this.”

Kurt took the icepack and laid it over his ankle. When Blaine returned Kurt looked up at him as he took the painkillers and washed them down with the water. “Thank you,” he said automatically, then his eyes darted away and he bristled. They couldn’t even have an argument without Blaine accusing him of wanting out. It felt too much like they way it was before. Right before they fell apart.

Blaine looked at him tensely for a moment, “What? You started in on me for no good reason.”

“So automatically I must be done with our relationship? We got married last week!” Kurt’s fingers curled into his pants.

Cooper raised his eyebrows slightly and slipped a leash on Max and headed out the door. “You said you were done with all of this. You know I understand if you can’t handle this anymore whatever this may be, but what I don’t understand is why you are so flipping mad at me when we were fine this morning!! On top of that it’s anger over a shopping trip and a conversation with Finn that was clearly meant to convey that you have the upper hand with your fashion sense.” Blaine coughed slightly and walked back into the kitchen for water before coming back out and slumping into the oversized arm chair.

Kurt didn’t say anything right away. How could Blaine understand that it wasn’t the shopping trip or the comment themselves but more a general sense that they just weren’t on the same page a lot of the time. They didn’t discuss some of the very basic things like schedules and money and Kurt’s apartment. Or work troubles. Blaine coughed which made Kurt flinch, so when he came back, Kurt tried to keep his voice calm as he spoke. “I didn’t feel like fighting over text messages any more. I wasn’t fine, I’m not fine, but you didn’t have to make it about our relationship.”

“I’m sorry I did that,” Blaine sighed and sipped on the water in hopes to stop the burning in his throat. “Just start from the beginning. What’s really bothering you?”

Kurt rubbed at the back of his neck. He couldn’t look at Blaine just now, he was still so tangled up in his thoughts and feelings. “I’m sorry I bit your head off for things that don’t really matter,” he sighed. “I feel like we’re living in limbo right now, and it’s not your fault, but it’s hard. There’s so much just slipping under the radar because nothing is as important to either of us…” his voice trailed off and he looked over at Blaine. “Nothing is important as your health right now which is just the way it has to be. Not just for you, but for me too, Blaine.” He hoped that was coming out right.

Blaine sighed and moved over to the couch and moved Kurt’s feet onto his lap and wrapped the ice pack tighter around his ankle before he began massaging the ball of his foot gently, “No it’s okay I get it. I just it’s hard when I’m so focused on this one thing. Survival.” Blaine breathed in and coughed into his elbow before speaking again, “But I’m feeling okay right now, and maybe we should talking money, apartments, and past relationships.”

Blaine’s tenderness in the middle of this situation made Kurt’s chest feel too tight, his throat closing down on his breath. “Maybe,” Kurt agreed softly. “I am sorry, Blaine. I think I just let today get to me.”

Blaine nodded, “Okay so start from the beginning besides the ankle thing, obviously, what got you riled up? Was it something with the director, cast, me? Just trying to figure it out.”

Kurt panicked internally for just a moment, then he answered. “I am pretty upset with the director, but I suppose he was right about my foot. It wasn’t just him though. It’s Nicki. I think I have a problem on my hands, but every time I think about what to do, Nicki is just really nice about everything. That’s not the source of all my stress but it’s like… I don’t even have the energy to deal with him properly. And I just lost it when I got hurt. I was so mad.”

“Yah he looked pretty pissed off when I saw him leaving your dressing room the other night when I stopped by with the picnic basket.” Blaine sighed as he switched his motions on Kurt’s hurt leg to the opposite one, “was he your boyfriend? We never really talked about him.”

Kurt winced. He hadn’t considered that Blaine might have seen him Saturday. “He wasn’t my boyfriend, but I do think we should talk about it.” Kurt suddenly didn’t want to. He was tired and hurting and just wanted to curl up around Blaine. That was probably half his problem right there. He was too tired to just deal. “Nicki’s the type of guy that never looks twice at anyone. We weren’t even friends ever. Then we hooked up at a party.” Kurt was staring down at his hands. “We still weren’t close, we just, sometimes we wound up together at the end of the night. He never expressed any desire for anything more though, and if he had I wouldn’t have been interested. Now, all the sudden, he acts like I’ve hurt him in some way. Almost like I owe him my friendship. I don’t quite know what to do with him, honestly.” Kurt said. “I feel pretty bad about it.”

“Sounds similar to Nate and I,” Blaine said before letting go of his foot grabbing some hand sanitizer spraying his hands and motioning for Kurt to move and place his head on his lap, “I don’t think you want shoe smell on your face,” he smiled. “Nate and I started out trying to have a relationship, we were friends, and one night things got heated we slept together, and realized we only had sexual chemistry. We would turn to the other when times got rough or we needed release and nothing more was expected. He knew about you though.” Blaine moved his arm, “just like I knew about Tom, his ex.”

“Nate seems to genuinely care for you though, even if it’s not romantic. I don’t know about Nicki. A month ago I would have said not in a million years. I swear Blaine, until recently he hardly had the time to notice me when he wasn’t drunk or horny. He’s not the sort of person… his type doesn’t like my type, usually? I’m saying this all wrong, but he’s been acting so strange since I got back.” The fact that Blaine had told Nate about him wasn’t lost on Kurt. Nicki might not have known about Blaine, but Kurt had come out with it to others in the past. People who’d wanted more when he had nothing more to give.

“He sounds jealous,” Blaine said as rubbed circles along Kurt’s forehead and temples, “Maybe he’s like that guy from the tv show about the gay guys that fell in love with the one he couldn’t have. I dunno, but I love you and I definitely don’t like the way he looks at me when I’m with you.” Blaine sighed and sneezed into his arm, “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

Kurt reached up and took one of Blaine’s hands in his own. “Maybe Nicki is jealous, but he has to deal with it himself, it’s not my job and I can’t have him acting unprofessional about it. I promise I’ll tell him that too. I love you Blaine, I was a jerk earlier. I should have just told you what I was feeling instead of going off like that. I can forgive you, you were just on the defense. Can you forgive me?” Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand.

“No, not at all. I’m going to make you sleep on the couch while Max and I hog the bed.” Blaine did his best to keep a straight face but failed miserably and laughed lightly.

Kurt grinned up at Blaine, the tension slipping the rest of the way out of him. “Come here,” he demanded softly. Then his hand curled around the back of Blaine’s neck and he pulled him down slowly and kissed him.

“Mm,” Blaine hummed against Kurt’s lips as he pulled him down and kissed him. He could feel all his frustrations just slip away as their lips brushed and he deepened the kiss. He broke after a moment, “I love you.” he whispered against his lips and smiled.

“I love you too,” Kurt whispered. Suddenly all his troubles and worries seemed so much smaller than they had before.

Blaine smiled, “You know if you want to talk about selling your place and moving in permanently I wouldn’t object, and as for money I think we’re both doing pretty good keeping it the way it is right now.”

“I’d like to talk about that. I want to move in, but I need to be contributing around here. Something more than food and smoothie making. Like bills and rent. That’s what I meant about money.”

“I understand that, and I’m all for that but for all intents and purposes you’re my husband now so why don’t I continue paying for the apartment we split the utilities in half, and we keep our phones separate, and you can be in charge of all the groceries since you just love to torture me with green smoothies and health food.”

“I think that can work,” Kurt agreed. “I’ll talk to a realtor too, about the loft.” It was a good start, though he knew there would be a lot of little conversations like this as they tried to merge their households. Knowing that Blaine would be there, even when Kurt was being an ass, that made it all so much easier to face.

Blaine smiled, “now that we’ve worked all this out can I complain about my cough and sneezing and feeling like utter crap? I didn’t go into work like I promised.”

“Yeah, we can. You ought to let me make you some soup tonight, or some hot tea. Maybe put you in a warm bath with lots of steam. I’m glad you didn’t push yourself though,” Kurt said.

Blaine smiled, “I don’t have fever thank god or that would be a hospital visit. Soup sounds really good actually, and then maybe a bath with lots of steam and you.”

Kurt sat up slowly turning so his feet were down and he could turn toward Blaine a little better. He leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to go see what we have for soup, and we’ll see about the bath, I might have to sit on the edge of the tub though.”

“Tell you what. You go see about soup, and I’ll go shower then that way you can bathe and I’ll sit on the side of the tub. The warm water will help your ankle, and I did get a little spoiled in the huge hotel bathtub.”

“I like spoiling you though. If I can get in the bath I want to get in with you. You’re not the only one that got spoiled,” Kurt winked and then reached for his crutches, and then headed into the kitchen. Soup wasn’t difficult and he was pretty sure they had the necessary vegetables to throw in with the leftover roasted chicken in the freezer.

“I’ll wait,” Blaine smiled and flopped back onto the couch just as Cooper came back in with Max. “You didn’t hear the we’re married part of that,” he said and flipped on the TV to wait for Kurt.

**

Kurt’s ankle was feeling stronger the next day and Blaine was off to the studio so Kurt decided to take Finn up on his lunch idea. Or something. He figured they could grab a bite to eat and then maybe a movie. He still couldn’t walk around much and there were lots of new movies out that he hadn’t seen. He called Finn to make the arrangements and then texted Blaine in case he came home early. Then he was out the door and slowly making his way down to the street.

The whole taxi thing was a little less fun than usual, but Kurt made it to lunch without any major disasters. They grabbed junk mainly, which was sort of a nice change though Kurt wasn’t going to say that to anyone because it would definitely come back to bite his ass. He did make a silent promise to himself that he would be sure Blaine had some fun things to eat now and then too. There were only so many healthy meals one could ingest at a time without needing something different. As it turned out, Kurt hadn’t even heard of any of the current movies that were out. He and Finn dithered about which to go with, but in the end the comedy was agreed upon being that it wasn’t too gory for Kurt or too romantic for Finn. They got drinks and snacks and Kurt ordered Raisinettes. The theater was empty at this hour of the day, which was a nice surprise.

“I haven’t been to a movie in forever,” Kurt said as they sat.

Finn had made the plans with Kurt because he realized how much they had both sort of missed over the last couple weeks. He didn’t know exactly when Kurt had turned into that sort of… like… home base sort of person for him, but Kurt was. Like as much as he of course relied on Rachel, it was almost equally important for him to talk to Kurt, too, and he’d been sort of failing miserably at that while he was on tour. He didn’t know if he wanted to go more than he needed to go or if it was the other way around, but he did know he was sort of relieved to be out with his brother.

Lunch was just sort of the usual, and he didn’t say a word about Kurt ordering total crap. Well, they both did it and knew the other wouldn’t tell. It was kind of a secret thing they did and never, ever talked about. That particular thing had started living in a house with Burt post-heart attack; they would just go outside the house to get french fries or something. Finn knew his mom had always suspected but she never really said anything. Then again, he’d had those same kinds of outings with her too once in awhile.

Anyway. They ended up at a movie. He didn’t remember the details of it, even as he was putting his ass in the seat and handing over the bucket of popcorn. ”Yeah, I know. Me either. Like…” if he thought about it, he thought maybe the last time he’d been to a movie was probably with Kurt. During college or something ridiculous. ”You of all people know this but when Rachel says theater, a movie is not what she has in mind. Ever. So that basically means I don’t go to a theater without a stage. I’m glad we’re doing this.”

“Yeah,” Kurt laughed. ”Me too, the past couple of weeks have just swallowed me up.” Kurt sipped at his diet soda, hoping he hadn’t just said more than he meant too. Obviously Finn knew things were stressed, but Kurt wasn’t here to unload. he was here to escape. Eat the crap food, talk about things that don’t matter, and just relax. Not that he couldn’t relax with Blaine. He thought they had done an amazing job of trying to add in quiet time together, time for just them, but it wasn’t the same at all. In fact, thinking about it now, Kurt couldn’t explain it in terms that made the right sort of sense. Finn was sort of his person now. More so now it seemed, than ever before, and that was really saying something. Somehow, in the midst of his own personal tragedies, Finn was still able to make Kurt feel like his struggles mattered, and that he had a safe place to just be.

The previews came up then, but because there was no one else, Kurt didn’t bother pretending he cared. He just popped another piece of popcorn in his mouth then turned toward Finn. ”I’m really looking forward to that award ceremony. It’ll be fun to get everyone together in one place again. I’m gonna see Rachel’s dress soon too and then I can start worrying about what I’m going to wear.” It was almost a joke since he’d freaked out about that just yesterday. He still felt like a dick over that, but it was never about clothes or shopping. It was the pressure.

Finn grinned a little and shook his head. ”The awards are gonna be good,” he said. He wiped his hands over his jeans a little, ignoring the voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like his mom telling him to use a napkin. ”That’s where me and you are different, man. She bought me that tux during her opening night thing while she was at NYADA and just… I’m totally just wearing that and I’m maybe a little grateful it’s already there.” He looked over at Kurt and bit his lip. ”Please don’t tell her I said that, though. She’ll just drag me shopping again and really I’m just glad she has you guys for stuff like that ‘cause I think we all look for different things when it comes to clothes.”

He squinted a little, distracted by a song on one of the previews that sounded completely familiar. ”Anyway… no, I… it probably makes me sound like a selfish ass but this award of hers couldn’t have come at a better time. I know it gives her a huge boost that she needs but…but yeah. We could use something positive to think about for a while. I’m sure you guys are the same. I think that’s part of what’s exciting with your wedding coming up now too.”

Kurt snickered behind his popcorn at Finn and his one tux. At least it was a nice one, classy enough to just be recycled for every black tie event. But yeah, they were like night and day when it came to fashion. That was okay though, that was just them.

“Mums the word,” Kurt interjected and he pursed his lips for emphasis. Finn was probably right about the shopping. Kurt was pretty sure Finn was busy looking for things that were easy to strip off quickly and that showed off all of Rachel’s feminine assets in appropriate measure. Not that there was anything wrong with any of that really, but Kurt had a much more critical eye for detail. Plus he loved shopping for any reason.

Oh the wedding. Five and a half weeks away basically. ”Yeah,” Kurt nodded. ”It’s really exciting.” And it was. Really. Well and it was stressful. He needed to sit Blaine down and go down the list of decisions that have to be made. Like yesterday. The wedding just kept taking a backseat to everything else, which made sense. Everything else tended to be Blaine first, then work. Remember not to lose any more weight. Remember to work out. Avoid Nicki. Stop thinking about that, he told himself firmly.

“I’m really happy Rachel has this right now. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want something good for her to focus on, not at all. You guys both needed this. I get that.”

He could hear the sort of flat tone when Kurt said the wedding was really exciting and he sighed. It was exciting, Kurt wasn’t wrong, but it was also just sort of one thing on top of a really huge pile. Finn knew from like hundreds of miles away that his brother was completely stressed out. It was even more clear up close like this. He didn’t want to pry or fight or anything; honestly, he didn’t have the energy to dig. So he just sort of blinked and let Kurt change the subject a little.

He couldn’t stop the pity party from pouring out of his mouth, though. He sort of hated that this always happened when he was with his brother. There was really not another person in the world who could’ve gotten him crying in a bar.

“Yeah, but it’s not my accomplishment. Not even a little. It’s all hers. It’s…I didn’t do anything except give her a hard time for taking the job and just not understand what she needed and…” He was counting kernels of popcorn in the bucket balanced on his leg and not really paying attention to words until he finally squeezed his eyes shut and let out a frustrated noise. ”Sorry. Just… I’m sorry.” His eyes flicked up to the screen where the movie was starting and he blinked a couple times. ”I… what… what movie is this even again?”

Finn’s calm chatter was slipping and Kurt felt suddenly guilty for dragging him along to a movie when he obviously had so much on his mind. It was too easy, Kurt thought, for him to get caught up in his own stuff. Just the stuff of making it through every day. Days would go by before one of them would reach out to the other, and even then nothing important was said. In fact, Kurt was fairly certain that they’d done nothing but trade texts and the occasional call since Blaine’s surgery and really that was just unacceptable. Kurt knew what Finn was going through, well he knew the gist of it, not how it was affecting Finn. Though he could imagine it anyway.

“It’s okay,” Kurt wanted him to be able to say what he needed to say, but maybe he wasn’t ready. A movie theater wasn’t exactly conducive to conversation. ”I think… I… actually what are we seeing, some comedy thing right?” Kurt thought back over their conversation in front of the sales window outside. They weren’t seeing a horror movie, then there was that rom com thing that Finn wanted to avoid, and there was some children’s thing that was like part five and made him shudder, but the comedy… was it about college or something? Kurt wasn’t sure. He hated to think how often this happened to him lately. He’d forget what he was doing and find himself standing in the kitchen, his hands under the faucet, or in the closet staring at the clothes even when he was already dressed. It was disconcerting to say the least.

Finn could hear Kurt’s hesitation and he was glad he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t remember five minutes ago. Well… sort of. It wasn’t like he wished his brother would be distracted or anything he just had no focus and he was sort of glad that he wasn’t the only person around like that. Maybe he didn’t have to worry so much about missing something Kurt needed while Kurt was just as distracted.

He blinked a little, breathed a little more, and let his hand play absently with the popcorn. He knew that was gross and normally he didn’t think Kurt would be thrilled, but it wasn’t like either one of them were eating much. ”Maybe?” He said after he watched it for a minute. Someone puked on the screen and he tilted his head. ”It’s definitely not a chick movie.”

“Do you ever feel like you’re in slow motion? And like the world is going so fast and you can’t catch up?” Finn sighed. ”I’m totally missing, like, everything with you and Blaine. Things just keep happening to me and Rachel before we can even deal with what came before. The baby, the reunion, the tour…I feel like I blinked and I missed it all.” He looked over at Kurt. ”Am I the only one?”

“No,” Kurt said slowly. It wasn’t very funny at this point either. It was mostly just gross and maybe also a little weird. something about the way this scene looked, maybe it was through a camera filter of some kind?

“You’re not the only one,” Kurt said firmly. “So much has happened in the past few months, it’s like the outside world barely exists. One week blurs away into another. I forget to call people or see people. I hate it,” Kurt bit back the next sentence because he hadn’t meant to sound so suddenly angry. He took a breath. He needed Finn and Rachel so very badly right now and he couldn’t usually be bothered to remember that they were only a phone call away. What was worse was that he was sure they felt the same way. Time just had to be made, even if Kurt had to set an alarm on his phone just to remember to make it.

It made him feel lost, suddenly, which made him feel guilty. He could run from that feeling. He could shove it down and try to squeeze out every happy moment he could with Blaine, but that wouldn’t change the fact that Kurt was sinking. They were all sinking, for different reasons. He hated all of it, but he had no idea what to do to make any of it better.

Chapter Text

The last few days have been incredibly long and tiring. I’m on what they call a chemo “holiday” or rest period. I required one blood transfusion, and will find out if I need another one come Monday. So far it’s looking like the cancer is responding to treatment. The tumor markers aren’t as elevated, and I have two more rounds to go before I get sent in for follow up testing.

Rachel has an awards banquet next week, and she invited Kurt and I to attend. I hope I feel up to it. It’s not really an option for me not to, because I want to be there for her and Finn and share in some of the happiness and celebration. I went shopping with her and helped her pick out some dresses. I trust her decision, but at the same time I hope she picks out something I liked because going shopping with her all day was no easy feat.

Kurt and I are doing great. Things are finally starting to calm down for us and settle into a routine. He is officially moving in even though for all intents and purposes he has been living here since we got back from the reunion. I absolutely cannot wait to call him my husband. He is my everything. I can never lose him.

-B

**

Kurt had a one o’clock meeting with the realtor at his apartment. He felt really lucky to have gotten it on such short notice but it was something about the real estate in his neighborhood being prime or something. They went over how it would all work and afterwards Kurt was left looking at all his stuff and wondering what to do with it. He made a couple of other calls, to movers and a storage unit, and then someone knocked on his door. Kurt wasn’t expecting anyone, but he opened the door anyway and there was Nicki.

Nicki smiled and asked to come in. Apparently he’d overheard that Kurt would be at his apartment today with the realtor. “It’s a shame you have to sell this place,” he said as he stepped into the living room. “But I understand,” he amended.

Kurt slumped against the back of the couch. “Is that what you came to say?” he asked, curtly.

“No…” Nicki said. “It’s not.”

“Really I think whatever it is, you should just say it and then leave. I’m incredibly busy and I wasn’t planning on being here long. In fact,” Kurt stood up off the couch, but Nicki was standing there now, too close for comfort. “I think you should go now.”

Nicki didn’t back down, but his smile slipped a little, then fell. “You were never even going to pretend to be my friend, were you?” he asked Kurt. “I guess I know how little I meant to you all this time,” Nicki bit into his lip, his cheeks going red.

Kurt had been prepared to push past him but now he felt guilty. Obviously the guy was upset. Still he was in Kurt’s space and it was still setting off Kurt’s inner alarm. “Nicki, I’m sorry, but…”

Nicki cut him off. “Don’t be sorry, Kurt! Just be with me! Let me make you happy; I know I could!” Kurt never got another chance to argue because Nicki pressed in and kissed him.

Blaine knew about Kurt’s one o’clock meeting with the realtor. He was amazed that on such short notice he had been able to get a quick appointment. Blaine surprisingly had quite a bit of energy the last fews days. He had a few weeks off from chemo, which thankfully was helping him get out a little more, sleep more soundly, and recuperate some time in the studio, but he knew it was only going to start all over in a few weeks, and he was dreading it.

He’d finished early at the studio, picked up a salad, and decided to try and meet Kurt at his building as a surprise. His cab pulled up in front of Kurt’s building, and he took his time heading upstairs in hopes to give Kurt some time with the realtor and took the elevator. He made his way down the hall to the iron door and knocked twice before opening it. He didn’t see anyone in and he placed the salad containers that he had picked up for Kurt and turned the corner to see him and Nicki kissing.

Blaine suddenly felt sick and his face heated up. “Well I guess all that stuff about him meaning nothing was all just a way to make me feel better? I don’t have the time or energy to deal with this bullshit so when you are done having second thoughts about us and want me for who I am, cancer and all, you know where to find me.” Blaine turned and began to make his way out of loft as his stomach clenched and hot tears began falling down his face.

Kurt shoved at Nicki, hard, and ran to grab Blaine’s arm. “Wait!” he said, desperately. He held tight to Blaine while he turned to Nicki who actually looked a little guilty. Kurt was feeling pretty murderous, though. “You get the hell out of my apartment and don’t you come near me again!” he yelled. Nicki ran out without another word which was just as well because Kurt didn’t trust himself right now at all. He rounded on Blaine, eyes wide and tearing up already. “That was not what it looked like! I didn’t invite him here; I was just about to throw him off when you walked in!” Kurt told him, still clinging to him. He was panicking, he knew, but this was too familiar, only this was worse because Blaine thought he’d caught him red handed.

“Don’t touch me,” Blaine hissed as he jerked from Kurt’s grasp. “Don’t lie to me either. You couldn’t deal with the stress. Of all this…” He yanked the beanie of his head and threw it at the wall. “Just admit that you can’t deal with the drama of this illness; the fact that you might lose me to something beyond my control. Hell better yet why don’t you just admit to being tired of me. The always sick, tired, fucked up boyfriend,” Blaine shouted as he began to pace. “We took vows and exchanged rings, and now this. I hate you right now,” Blaine turned to leave again, “I don’t want you near me. Got it?”

Kurt stood stock still as Blaine pulled away. He could feel the anger rolling off him in waves and it made Kurt sick. He crumpled under the accusations. They were too close to home, he was crumbling under the pressure, but he didn’t want out. He never wanted out. “No,” he argued, but the word was lost under Blaine’s wrath. It didn’t seem like he wasn’t going to get a say any of this though. Blaine had made up his mind; he wasn’t willing to listen. Angry tears began rolling down Kurt’s cheeks. Blaine was leaving. It was happening all over again.

When Blaine’s hand reached the door, something inside Kurt snapped. “No!” he said it much louder this time and he rushed forward, pressing Blaine against the door, trapping him. “I’m not letting you go like this again, do you hear me?” He flipped Blaine around by his shoulders and pinned him to the door once more. The tears were still streaking down his cheeks and Kurt still felt the panic coursing through him. He couldn’t lose Blaine! “There’s no Nicki, Blaine, I swear to you. It’s only you. Only you.”

Blaine felt his chest tighten and his lungs burn as he sucked in more air, but before he could protest Kurt was grabbing him and pinning him against the door. He struggled to get the door before Kurt managed to turn him around and pin him again, and that’s when Blaine saw it. The flash of panic across his face and the look of love, but Kurt was an actor. How much of this was fake? He took a few more deep breathes in before Kurt was looking at him and swearing his love to him, telling him it was only him. He looked down at the ground and sighed. “How do I know it’s only me? Prove it.”

“Blaine,” Kurt could barely get the word out. He didn’t know if it was meant as a plea or question, but it didn’t matter. Blaine wanted proof and that suited Kurt just fine. He reached with one hand and tugged Blaine’s chin so he was forced to look up into Kurt’s eyes. “I am yours,” he whispered and then he dipped his lips to Blaine’s neck, sucking hard. He slotted his thigh between Blaine’s legs and rocked into him, pressing his hips back against the door.

Blaine was still so angry that he was shaking. He wanted out, wanted to turn around and leave and forget that he had just told Kurt to prove he was his, and that’s when his hazel eyes locked on blue and heard his words as his lips trailed down and began to suck his neck. “Fuck,” Blaine groaned as Kurt’s sucked against his neck and rocked into him. “Don’t stop.”

Kurt moaned against Blaine’s neck and bit into the space where his neck met his shoulder, hips rocking forward harder. His pulse roared in his ears and the need to show Blaine once and for all that he was where he wanted to be, where he needed to be, overruled any other thoughts he might have had before. His dick was already straining against the fly of his pants. “I won’t,” he assured Blaine, his voice almost breathless. He dragged his lips up to Blaine and kissed him hard on the mouth. His tongue licked into Blaine’s mouth and claimed it with every fiber of his being behind it.

Blaine wanted to scream now and push Kurt away. Sex didn’t fix everything not this, but it felt so good as his hips rocked into him and pushed him against the wall even more firmly. His heart raced and his throat burned as he cried out when Kurt bit his neck. He was sure it would bruise, but before he could protest Kurt’s lips were back against his and his tongue was swirling in his mouth and his taste and scent were too much. Blaine pulled Kurt to him deepening the kiss while fumbling with Kurt’s jeans. He sliding his hands down and squeezing his ass firmly as he slid the jeans to the ground, “Fuck,” he whined out before crashing their lips together again. “You are mine.”

The fear didn’t disappear, even as Blaine kissed him back, deep and open. They’d only found each other a few weeks ago, but despite everything they were going through, Kurt felt more alive in those weeks than he had for the two years they’d been apart. He’d never force Blaine to stay with him, but he was sure as hell not going to let go without a fight. His hands came up to frame Blaine’s face and tip his head, further deepening the kiss. When Blaine dropped his jeans, Kurt didn’t even bother to try and step out of them. He pressed himself against Blaine and then whined as Blaine told him, he belonged to him. His hands couldn’t undo Blaine’s pants fast enough. He moaned into Blaine’s mouth, hands fumbling and shaking, but eventually he got them undone and he slipped his hands down Blaine’s hips, effectively shoving the pants down.

Blaine pulled Kurt against him and gripped his hips so hard he was sure it would leave marks as he began to rut against him, biting down on his neck. He didn’t care who saw the dark purple mark, and as far as the show was concerned if they could cover tattoos they could cover up a hickey. “Mine,” Blaine whispered harshly against his ear. He knew it was possessive, but he needed Kurt to know to realize that this just wasn’t sex. At this point it was him staking his claim and making him his all over again. “Fuck,” he growled out as he turned them around. He pressed Kurt face first into the wall before slicking his fingers with the lube from his wallet and sliding two of them into Kurt.

“Oh, oh, Blaine,” Blaine’s name was drawn out long as his teeth dug into Kurt’s flesh. Instinctively, Kurt’s hands slid down and gripped at Blaine’s hips, fingers digging in. Kurt was flipped around suddenly, his face pressing into the cold of the door. ‘Fuck, yes,” he whined as he kicked off one shoe and freed his right leg from his jeans so he could spread his legs better. He needed this, needed Blaine filling him up, fucking him deep, and marking him everywhere. He needed Blaine. He wanted to feel him in his blood. Two fingers slid into him without warning and Kurt cried out. It didn’t hurt exactly, but it was intense in a way that had his body drawn up tight and wanting. “Just fuck me Blaine,” he moaned, sticking his ass out as far as he could in this position.

Blaine quickly complied sliding his fingers out and slicking himself with the remaining lube. He quickly positioned himself and pressed into Kurt pausing to give him a moment to adjust as he bit down on his shoulder. They were both still partially clothed and the heat, sweat, need was almost too much. Once he was sure Kurt was adjusted he pulled almost all the way out and thrust back in slamming his hips into the other man’s as he bit into his neck again.

Kurt was panting, straining from the effort to force himself to relax enough for Blaine to fuck him while he was already wound so tight. His hands were flat against the door and he pressed back toward Blaine as he began snapping his hips forward, bruising hard, and he sank his teeth into Kurt again causing him to cry out again and slap his hand against the door. “Harder, fuck, wanna feel it… for days,” Kurt ground the words out between thrusts. His cock bobbed painfully against the door each time Blaine slammed into him, causing his legs to tremble. He was on fire, too hot, too much, and so right all at once.

Blaine continued to slam into Kurt as he cried out and shoved his ass closer to him as he spread his legs. His wife beater was drenched in sweat and his chest ached from the exertion. He needed to move. He slipped out of Kurt and pulled him back towards the chaise lounge and pushed him into it before claiming his lips in a rough kiss as he repositioned himself and pushed back in. His heart was pounding and the only sound was the blood rushing through his ears, “so tight. Come baby.”

Blaine wasn’t at all gentle as he manhandled Kurt back onto the chaise, but that was just fine. Kurt needed it hard and rough. He wanted Blaine’s claim branded into his skin, into his soul. He intended to do the same to Blaine too and when he gave the command, because that’s exactly what it was, Kurt came hard, his aching dick pulsing and untouched and he squeezed down around Blaine as hard as he could, his fingernails raking into Blaine’s shoulders.

Blaine cried out as Kurt came and clenched around him in waves. He tried to breathe but the sudden exertion and overwhelming pleasure pulled his orgasm deep from his belly as he cried out and the room went dark.

Kurt’s arms held Blaine tight as he collapsed over him. He didn’t know when his eyes had filled with tears but he was crying now. They slipped silently down his cheeks just for a moment and then they were gone. Kurt tried to catch his breath or think of anything other than please, please let Blaine stay. Blaine… Blaine was out. His weight crushing Kurt into the chaise and a new panic set in. “Blaine!”

Blaine’s eyes fluttered as he heard Kurt’s panic as his consciousness seemed to slowly come back. He took in a few breathes and hummed, “hmm,” before snuggling back against Kurt and sighing as his eyes closed again.

“Fuck,” Kurt breathed out softly. His hands stroked over Blaine’s back and his body shook just a little as the sudden adrenaline spike dropped off. “Please say something,” Kurt begged.

“Never again. I want him gone.” Blaine whispered, “if a restraining order is necessary I’ll file it.”

Kurt shook a little harder. “I’ll do it,” Kurt whispered. “I’ll do anything, Blaine. I love you. Just tell me what to do, and it’s done.” Kurt’s words ran over each other as he stumbled to get them out.

“Shhh,” Blaine soothed as he felt Kurt shake, “I love you. I can’t trust this situation. Not with our past, and not with him.”

“I said it’s done, Blaine, I will handle it, I don’t know what else to do, please…” Kurt was still holding on to Blaine, tightly, keeping him there, uncertain about what might happen if he let go.

Blaine just nodded as tears pooled in his eyes and he clung to Kurt, “I can’t lose you. I need you so much. I think by now, without you, with all this, I might have given up.” Blaine pulled Kurt tighter, “you’re saving me.”

“I can’t lose you either. I can’t ever lose you. Life without you was never really living. You’re saving me too,” Kurt told him. Then he kissed at Blaine’s cheek, throat tight, tears rising up again.

Blaine closed his eyes and sighed as he wrapped up Kurt tighter in his arms. “I’m not letting you go again at least not without a fight. I promise.”

Kurt sagged, relief washing through him finally. “I’m yours,” he breathed the words against Blaine’s skin, lost in the feeling that they were once again safe.

“You do realize that by morning we are both going to look like we got attacked by vampires right,” Blaine joked as he ran his thumb against the bite marks along Kurt’s neck.

“It was completely worth it I assure you,” he smiled up at Blaine. “Come take a shower with me, and then take me home?”

“Yeah,” Blaine whispered as he lovingly kissed him before standing up and extending his arm to Kurt. Right now he felt like they would make it.

Chapter Text

Kurt felt a little nervous answering the call from James. Still, he knew it must be important and even though he didn’t want to talk about Nicki any more, something in his gut told him that was exactly what this call was about.

James:
Do you have time to talk? I need some more information about the situation with Nicki Galecki. I know we’ve already talked about this but now that I have the police report in my hands our lawyers tell me I’m going to need an official statement from you before I fire this kid, in case he tries to sue.

Kurt:
Oh, of course, I’m sorry this is such a headache.

James:
Hey, you know I’m on your side here, but honestly, I’ve never been in this position before. It’s not really something I want to deal with again if it can be avoided.

Kurt:
I know. I won’t cause you any more trouble.

James:
I know you won’t, I know you didn’t try to do this. Just tell me again how it came to this and I’ll call it official and pass it along, alright?

Kurt:
Alright. Well, Nicki and I slept together a few times. Mostly after parties. He’d only been to my place one time. We weren’t dating and we weren’t friends. We never hung out casually and we didn’t socialize during work either. He left me some voicemails while I was off work and some messages on facebook, and when I got back to work he was acting differently. Especially after I told him about my engagement. After that he tried even harder to reach me outside of work even though I told him I wasn’t interested. He broke into my dressing room and was very agitated that I wasn’t returning his messages or speaking to him. Then last Wednesday he showed up at my home and tried to force himself on me. He kissed me but my fiance got there and broke it up before it went even further. And that’s it.

James:
Okay, Kurt, I’m going to take care of this. Nicki won’t be here when you get to work this afternoon.

Kurt:
Thanks James, I really am sorry.

James:
I know, don’t worry about it anymore. We’ll see you later. Goodbye.

Kurt:
Goodbye.

**

It’s Monday. So many things to get done today. I’m going in for rehearsals today because I need some extra work for my ankle. It’s much stronger now, but I need to stay on track if I want to keep ahead of it. I finished handling the restraining order against Nicki and traded several interesting phone calls with the director, James, and in the end he decided to replace Nicki in the show. He didn’t have a major role, but a part of me still felt guilty for everything. I know that’s not logical, but I’ve never been responsible for someone losing their job before.

After rehearsals, I’m overseeing the packing of my loft. I’ve finally hired movers, and not just for their logo or their lgbtq connections either. Then most of my things will go into storage. Later when there’s more time I’ll have to go through it all and see what else I can get rid of and what can come to Blaine’s with me. For now I’m just bringing the rest of my clothes, a few things for the kitchen, and other important things like my scrapbooks and memory box. Oh and some of my favorite books and my framed photographs. I decided to leave a lot of the furniture with the loft and my realtor assures me it’ll sell faster that way, so that’s good. The sooner the better.

Then, if there is any time at all left I have to finish my list of wedding questions for Blaine, It’s going to be a busy day, but hopefully productive.

-K

**

Kurt: I took care of the rest of the Nicki thing. He’s not in the show any more. I won’t have to see him again. I love you.

Blaine:
Good, I’m glad. I’m at my follow-up today, and besides the sinus infection I’ve had some mild pain in my arm, so my doctor decided I needed a new PICC line in case my other one was developing infection. SO, needless to say what could have been a quick in and out at the clinic has turned into a day was filled with needles and annoyance. YAY!!

Kurt:
I am so sorry baby. *huggs*

Blaine:
Yea it sucks. I’m just now getting in a cab, and traffic is hellacious. Also, just so you know, I have every intention of collapsing as soon as I walk in.

Kurt:
Of course, hun. I’ll be right here, waiting for you.

Blaine:
Be up in a bit.

**

Blaine shut the cab door with a sigh as he pulled his beanie further down on his head and adjusted his bag on his shoulder. The whole day had been shit, and he just wanted to crawl in bed with Kurt and sleep. He rode the elevator up in silence before trudging down the hall and unlocking the apartment door and dropping his bag and keys in the entry. He reached down to pet Max and called out, “Hey babe, I’m back.”

“Back here,” Kurt called. He was standing somewhat awkwardly at the end of their bed next to the picnic he’d laid out. Kurt knew Blaine wasn’t going to be up for much tonight, he was only trying to distract him for just a little while with something that wasn’t people prodding him and making him wait around.

“What’s this?” Blaine asked as he popped his head around the door and smiled. He walked over to Kurt and kissed him softly. “Or I should ask, what’s the occasion?”

Kurt laughed softly and took Blaine’s hands. “No occasion really,” he smiled tugging Blaine along. ”I know today sucked and I wanted to take you on a picnic. I figured if we did it here it would be better for your health and,” he waved behind them at the bed, “when you’ve had all the fantastic picnicking fun you can take, we can just crash.”

“Sounds good,” Blaine said as he brushed a hand across Kurt’s cheek and smiled. “Thanks you always know how to make my shit days better.”

Kurt leaned in and kissed Blaine’s cheek one more time before pulling him gently down to the blanket on the floor. “Is this okay? We can do this on the bed if you need to,” he offered. “I didn’t really think about that until just now.”

“This is perfect,” Blaine smiled as he sat crossed legged on the blanket. “So what’s in the basket?”

Kurt clapped his hands together, fingers intertwining in his excitement. “Okay, so I made that chicken salad that you like,” he pulled the container out and passed it to Blaine. “Then I picked up the wafer crackers from the organic section.” Kurt pulled these out as well. “II added a few of your favorite cheeses and some prosciutto too, and finally there are grapes and creme brulee. Oh, and sparkling cider,” Kurt finished laying everything out and passed Blaine a plate.

Blaine smiled tiredly as he took the container of chicken salad and popped the lid off of the container before grabbing a few crackers. “So you mean to tell me that you got out the blow torch and made dessert as well?” Blaine laughed lightly as he dished the chicken salad onto the plate, “I bet Max sat on the kitchen floor and looked at you the whole time too.”

Kurt laughed, mostly at himself. ”Max might have had about half of my first attempt. I got distracted and got a little close with the torch. I managed not to burn myself but the first creme brulee went right on the floor. Max was only too eager to help me clean it. Don’t worry, I know he’s not supposed to have that, I cleaned it as fast as I could,” Kurt was still giggling. “I haven’t ruined dessert in years,” he said.

“A little vanilla won’t kill him,” Blaine laughed before looking to the dog who was silently laying in the corner of their bedroom. “So how would you feel if he stays? I didn’t know until earlier last week, but Cooper’s been looking for apartments. Turns out he wants to pursue some independent film and stay awhile, but most of the buildings with rental vacancies aren’t taking pets. I told him I would have to talk to you, but that I didn’t see an issue as long as we hired a dog walker.”

“You know a month ago I never would have thought I’d be wanting a dog to hang around, but yeah, it’s completely fine. I think I’d miss his ugly mug if he left.” Kurt raised his voice in a very soft mimic of a baby voice as he said ‘ugly mug’ and turned to the dog. Max perked his ears up at the nick name.

“He’s not that ugly,” Blaine pouted slightly as he watched the dog’s ears perk up, “how often do you call him that?” He laughed and leaned against his fiance and linked their hands, “though I think you just like having him as a bed warmer.”

Kurt was not about to admit how often he sat scratching Max’s ears and cooing to him about his ugly mug and what a good boy he was. In reality he thought he was pretty damn cute at this point. ”Not too often,” he lied, but he was grinning the whole time. Kurt knew Blaine would see right through it. He loaded his own plate with a little bit of everything and poured the sparkling cider for both of them.

Blaine smiled and took his glass of cider. “Liar,” he whispered playfully before taking a bite of the chicken salad. He sighed as the flavors mingled on his tongue before he sipped the juice and took another bite and swallowed, “I’m supposed to get with Finn in the next few days to try on tuxes.” He looked at his pants and sighed, “I have some serious weight loss going on here too, and I think it might be time for new jeans.”

“Ooh! Can I take you jean shopping?” Kurt asked. He plucked a few grapes and popped them into his mouth quickly. ”I promise it won’t be marathon shopping, we can just go to one nice place, but I’m starving for some retail therapy.”

“I don’t know, I think it can be arranged though, and speaking of retail therapy I still need to get with Rachel about her dress for the awards too. She said she bought a pink one, and I don’t even remember her trying on a pink one.” He shrugged and took some of the prosciutto on a cracker with some cheese, “I could use some more sweaters and beanie hats too.”

“She did in fact buy a pink one,” Kurt said. He loaded a cracker with some chicken salad and ate in thoughtful silence for a little bit. ”I don’t know if it would have been my first pick, only because of the season, but I have to admit, the cut of the gown, and the pink, it works.” Kurt shrugged just a little. “Pretty soon everyone’s going to know who Rachel is which means lots and lots of opportunities for us to put in our two cents about her red carpet dresses.”

Blaine frowned slightly and sighed as he took another bite of chicken salad and picked at his napkin trying to choose his words. He didn’t want to seem like a jerk and decided to just keep his mouth shut a bit longer and just go with what Kurt said as he ate some more cheese.

Kurt reached out and squeezed at Blaine’s fingers. He could guess what was behind his sudden quiet. He had even more right to feel that way than Kurt did, considering he was the one invited for shopping to begin with. Kurt didn’t say anything though. He was still embarrassed over his own outburst, even though Blaine had forgiven him. He didn’t really want to remind Blaine about what a dick he’d been last week.

Blaine sighed and looked up as Kurt squeezed his fingers. “Sorry, it’s stupid for me to be upset.” He sighed and took another sip of his drink, “I love you. How’re things with you and the show? Was James really upset about the whole Nicki situation?”

“I love you too,” he whispered. Kurt downed his glass of cider in a couple of long gulps and then he smiled a little sadly. “Things are okay, my ankle’s a lot stronger just in the past couple of days, and James is alright. He wasn’t upset with me at all, I don’t think, but he didn’t like the situation much. Having to let someone go like that.”

“That’s good,” Blaine smiled and brushed his cheek with his fingers, “in regards to that situation maybe I did overreact slightly. I just…,” he took a deep breath and sighed, “it’s was hard to watch him around you because he was young and healthy, and I guess I just sorta felt threatened.”

Kurt bit into his lower lip. ”I see,” he said softly. ”I suppose that makes some kind of sense. You know I’m right where I want to be though, right? There isn’t any competition, and there never will be.” Kurt kissed at Blaine’s fingertips. ”Though the making up wasn’t all bad,” he whispered.

“I know,” Blaine moved to where he could trail his fingers against Kurt’s shoulders and sighed. “What do you say we pack up the food?” he whispered huskily against Kurt’s ear and bit the skin there slightly. “I would really like to take a hot shower and go to bed.”

“I think we can arrange that,” Kurt winked and began putting everything back away.

**
Blaine: [MMS]

note.
Kurt:
I just sat here reading your quote over and over again. I love you. I feel like with everything that has happened I can’t ever seem to find enough time to tell you how happy having you back in my life has made me. I love you, so very much.

Blaine:
I know you love me, and I know it seems like you can never find enough time to tell me how happy you are because I feel the exact same way, but I want you to know as long as I have you in bed with me at night to hold in my arms we will make it through anything. I love you, Kurt. Forever!

Kurt:
I believe we will, Blaine, I really do.

Blaine:
We’ve made it this far, and yeah we hit a huge two year cavern in the road and my health SUCKS, but we’re together again, and I couldn’t be happier so I really do believe it too. My hair is back a little bit now too. Too bad it’s going to all come back out again.

Kurt:
Maybe next month it’ll start coming in again :), but for now you’re the hottest bald guy I know.

Blaine:
Thanks babe! I love you.

Kurt:
xoxo I love you too!

Blaine:
Have I told you today how devastatingly handsome you are, and how badly I want to lock you in our room and ravish you?

Kurt:
No, but you really should. Do that. Whole ravishing thing. Mmhm.

Blaine:
Hm. Maybe I will. Where are you right now?

Kurt:
Sitting at the kitchen counter waiting for my tea pot to whistle at me. I don’t really need tea though… tea can wait.

Blaine:
Tea after sex sounds so much better. Yes tea can wait, just like I’m already waiting for you.

Kurt:
Turning off the stove. Right now.

Blaine:
Hmm. Good.

Kurt flicked the burner off and moved the tea kettle to the back of the stove to cool. That was all the time he wasted though. He walked down the hall, flicking off the living room lights as he passed. Wednesday had been a fairly lazy day at home, after his matinee show. He’d needed that; needed to slow down a little and enjoy just being quiet and still, but he was suddenly so very glad he didn’t have to be silent or still any more, he could be with Blaine, who was awake from his late nap.

An idea he suddenly had made Kurt slow down and strip off his outer and under shirts. He pulled off his socks and stripped out of his lounge pants, leaving only his turquoise vintage Tulio trunks, the ones with the bright white edging that he loved. Then he kicked his clothes to the side, promising himself to pick them up first thing in the morning, and he pushed open the bedroom door.

Kurt had an early show on Wednesday so Blaine had spent the afternoon doing some light cleaning, laundry, and pretty much crashed the moment he was done. He had been fooling around with some pictures on the computer when he sent Kurt a text. It had been a few days since they had really had time to slow down and be intimate and Blaine was craving his touch, taste, and pretty much everything Kurt. He set the computer aside and stripped off his lounge pants and t-shirt leaving himself in a new pair of tight black Calvin Klein trunks with silver banding and smiled as the door opened and Kurt stepped in wearing nothing but his turquoise trunks. “Damn babe,” he whispered as he got up on his knees and motioned for him to come over to the bed, “I think we both had the same idea.”

“God, Blaine,” Kurt breathed. They’d definitely had the same idea and Blaine looked good enough to eat. Kurt crossed to the bed and climbed up right into Blaine’s arms. He framed Blaine’s face with his hands, cradling his cheeks and leaned in for a kiss that was more whisper soft teases than actual kissing. “I missed you today,” he murmured against the corner of Blaine’s mouth. Kurt’s fingers traced down Blaine’s neck and then down his chest, around his waist and then they skimmed over the curve of his ass, cupping and squeezing, loving the way the soft cotton clung to Blaine in just the perfect way. Kurt’s head was tipped forward as he mouthed over Blaine’s shoulder and collarbone.

“I missed you too,” Blaine whispered as their lips barely brushed and he relished in the soft touch of Kurt’s hands against his skin. He sighed as Kurt traced his hands over his neck and down his chest. He’d lost so much weight in recent weeks just having that reaffirmation that he was still viewed as handsome and sexy made his heart soar. He gasped slightly as Kurt squeezed his ass and mouthed over his shoulder and collarbone as his hands wandered south. He smiled as he trailed his hands down Kurt’s spine and cupped his ass in his hands. He smelled so good, and Blaine just wanted to soak him in, “so good babe,” he whispered as he leaned in and mouthed over Kurt’s neck, “you taste good.”

“Mmm,” Kurt hummed then dipped his tongue into the hollow of Blaine’s throat. He was already hard and they’d barely touched, god he needed Blaine; he needed to touch him and taste all of him. “You do too,” he whispered. He let his tongue glide up until he was sucking and nibbling oh so gently at Blaine’s earlobe. Then he whispered, very slowly into Blaine’s ear, “I want you so fucking bad.” Kurt pressed his hips forward, letting Blaine feel exactly how bad he wanted him.

“Fuck,” Blaine growled as Kurt let his tongue glide along his ear. He was aching to be touched and god if he wasn’t more grateful for a working erection than right now. He groaned as Kurt pressed against him and he pulled him down against the mountain of pillows and comforter as he ran his hands back across his turquoise briefs and sucked at each perked nipple.

“Yes, oh fuck,” Kurt arched into Blaine’s mouth, his nipples tightening further with want. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine, once more cupping handfuls of Blaine’s round ass, kneading and pressing so that they began to rock together. The friction was so good, even through the double layer of cotton. The way they slid just so, catching in all the right places left Kurt whining high in the back of his throat. “Take these off,” he said suddenly, tugging at Blaine’s underwear. It wasn’t enough; he needed Blaine, all of him, hot and naked and pressed against every inch of him.

Blaine sighed as Kurt’s hands pressed into his ass and he rocked his hips. The friction of their erections through cotton was overwhelming and the pleasure was intense. His breathing hitched at the sounds Kurt was making and the heat of their bodies pressing together was enough to make Blaine shiver with need. He nodded and leaned up to allow Kurt to slide his underwear off as he slid his off in return and pressed back against him, hot, hard and leaking.

“Oh, oh, mmm,” Kurt could too easily finish just like this. Blaine’s cock slid against his own so perfectly, he knew he could just cling to Blaine as they pushed each other over the edge, and it would be fantastic, but it would also be over way too quickly. “Slow, oh, slow down,” he huffed the words out, but he wasn’t sure if he was trying to tell Blaine or himself. Instead of worrying about it he leaned up and kissed Blaine. This one was slow, deep, and full of the want and love that coursed through Kurt’s body.

Blaine sighed as he slowed the grind to a tease at Kurt’s words. They were both so hard and aching that the friction along their cocks was welcome and painfully pleasurable. He broke the slow kiss after savoring the taste of his fiance and guided him onto his stomach before sliding against his ass and rocking them both gently against the bed as he leaned down to kiss his neck, “how’s that babe?

Kurt buried his face into the pillow and moaned. Then he turned so he could answer Blaine, “I don’t know what I was thinking, I was delirious, fuck me please.” Kurt thrust up a little and wriggled his ass as best he could under Blaine’s hips. He didn’t really want that though, he wanted this. This slow tease as Blaine’s cocked dragged across the sensitive flesh between his ass cheeks. It made him rock slowly against the bed and it was all so painfully good.

“Hmm,” Blaine hummed against Kurt’s ear as they rocked together. The friction against his cock causing his whole body to tingle. He chuckled lightly as Kurt turned to answer him and he smiled. He knew what he was doing to Kurt by just grinding against him and he didn’t want to stop though he did want to make it even more sensitive. He leaned back down and latched on to Kurt’s neck sucking a dark mark just below where a collared shirt could cover, as he grabbed the bottle of lube. He poured some of the cool liquid onto his cock and between Kurt’s ass cheeks before he began to rock against him again.

“Ohhh!” Kurt gasped. Blaine’s dick slipped so perfectly now, right up close to where he wanted it. It was almost like having an itch that needed to be scratched and instead scratching very close to it. It was deeply satisfying and also horribly frustrating in an incredibly sensuous way. It made Kurt shiver all over and push himself back into Blaine’s touch.

“You like that baby?” Blaine whispered as he continued to grind and slip against Kurt, the coolness of the lube disappearing as the friction between them turned slick, slippery, and perfect. He moaned as Kurt pushed back against him and he pulled him up on his knees to wrap a hand around his cock, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

“Ooh yess, fuck, please,” Kurt huffed, his head flipping from one side to the other. His own cock dragged against the comforter and he didn’t even care he was making a mess, that’s how far gone he was. Blaine was slipping down his ass, and against the underside of his balls, following the sensitive ridge there right onto the base of his cock. Then Blaine tugged him up into a kneeling position and Kurt squeezed his thighs together to add even more friction for Blaine and oh it all felt so good. He dropped his head back and wrapped an arm back around Blaine’s neck. “Blaine…” he whimpered. It was completely ineloquent and not at all what he meant to say but words were failing him with Blaine pumping him and sliding hard through his thighs.

Blaine slid against him hard and fast as soon as the position changed he wasn’t going to last. Between the friction and heat and the unintelligible sounds spilling out of Kurt’s mouth he felt his balls tense and he tried to stop, but his whole body tensed as he came hard between Kurt’s thighs. His breathing caught in his throat and his hand continued to pump Kurt as he came down and rocked against him even slower as he caught his breath and kissed his neck.

Kurt could feel every pulse of Blaine’s orgasm, Blaine’s hand gripping just a little tighter around Kurt as he came. “Blaine, Blaine, oh god!” Kurt felt himself tense, his hips straining forward, pumping into the tight channel of Blaine’s hand. It only took a moment longer and he was spiraling up and up and coming in great waves across the bedspread and down his thighs. “Fuck, baby,” he cursed softly as he twisted around and tugged Blaine down while he caught his breath. “That was… I love you,” he wrapped himself against Blaine, momentarily forgetting the mess that would need cleaning before they could sleep.

Blaine whimpered as he collapsed against Kurt as he continued to catch his breath. Their bodies were both sticky from lube and come, and so satisfied. He brushed their lips gently together as their limbs tangled together and he ran his hand through Kurt’s hair. “No words,” Blaine whispered as his eyes locked with Kurt’s and he breathed out silently.

Kurt smiled a little then, a purely relaxed and happy smile as he lay there just basking in Blaine’s love. That’s what made everything they did together so amazing, he thought. The way they loved each other. At the end of the day, he could snuggle up next to this man and just feel this immense love they had wrapping them up. It was exactly as Blaine had mentioned before. That was all he really needed.

Blaine felt his eyes getting heavy as he laid there just soaking up the love. He didn’t know how it was possible to feel this way without conditions and just be. He broke the silence after a few moments and smiled, “we should change the sheets and shower.”

“We should,” Kurt agreed softly. “You start one, and I’ll start the other,” Kurt offered. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Blaine’s lips, soft and lingering.

Blaine smiled as he untangled himself from Kurt’s grasp and walked towards the shower. “I’ll start the shower.”

“I’ll get the bed then,” Kurt hauled himself up and grinned at Blaine. How was it possible to feel like he was falling even further in love with this man he’d loved for so long?

Blaine smiled and winked as he turned and walked into the bathroom. He was still falling so hard, and had no idea when he was going to hit bottom.

Chapter Text



Blaine: Really?!?!

Kurt:
What did I miss…

Blaine:
Almost every important appointment scheduled for OUR wedding is on days I can’t go because of chemo or blood work or some other kind of doctors appointment.  It’s not fair to you to have to do it all, and I would like some say.

Kurt:
Oh, I didn’t mean for it to seem like that!  We just haven’t had time to talk about it.  I promise I haven’t made any bookings or put money on anything.  We just need to sit down together.  And make some plans.

Blaine:
I know.  I can’t do anything on Monday’s period.  Those are hell days you know this.  Wednesdays I usually can do stuff in the afternoons, but even then sometimes it’s iffy because of clinic lines.  I just... seeing all this and all we have to do just makes me wish now we could just go and do it tomorrow at the courthouse, and wait until I’m better for the big thing.

Kurt:
Yeah, I… Blaine I wasn’t trying to leave you out, you know, but some of these things, they can’t be so last minute, and they already are, but if you just don’t want to do a wedding, then, I can understand that.  Now is just… there’s too much going on.  I told you a few weeks ago that the only thing I really cared about was our family being there and I still mean that.  If you want to get married at the courthouse, we can do that, I just want a chance to tell our families first.

Blaine:
Kurt stop.  Here’s what I want.  I want to marry you in Central Park with our closest family and friends.  I would like a small cake baked by Nana, some food, and most of all intimate moments filled with our love.  We can get tuxes from D&G, and tell the attendants where to shop, but I want our day to be perfectly us, not rushed, not a huge production, and most of all no cause of stress for us or anyone else.

Kurt:
Whatever you want, I’ll be happy.  You make me happy.  All of that other stuff is just stuff to me.  I love you.

Blaine:
Baby, can we at least go taste cake together?  It can be a date.

Kurt:
Are you sure?  Blaine, are you serious?  Because, I mean, Nana...  

Blaine:
Nana’s cakes are moist and delicious so I want to steal flavor ideas.  I know that’s horrible but nothing says you have to buy if you try.  Unless of course you have a particular request for a strawberry infused something or other cheesecake and well Nana is the only one that can do that right!

Kurt:
Okay, yes!  This is going to be so much fun!  Blaine, you are just, perfect.

Blaine:
You are too.

****

So after syncing my calendar with Kurt’s and looking at our schedules it looks like the wedding isn’t going to be as easy to plan as I thought.  Starting Monday I have a week full of nothing but six hour chemo treatments, then the following week starts blood work and more chemo plus Kurt has extended rehearsals.  If it were up to me it wouldn’t be a big deal, and we could just go get married at the courthouse.  He know this I’ve made it clear, but he was so sad sounding, and it’s so important to him.  It’s important to me that he has the wedding of his dreams, so I’m thinking that Jessica and I might have to get a little creative.  Hopefully we can pull this off.

-B

****

Finn: Dude, I have a huge freaking problem. Or maybe it’s a small problem. Depends how you wanna explain it I guess. You cannot tell my wife or my brother.

Blaine: What?

Finn: You know how I was all I have a tux, I’m good, no big deal? I’m an idiot. It doesn’t fit no matter what I try.

Blaine: Like to big or too small.  I’ve lost so much weight from chemo that mine’s getting taken in.

Finn: Yeah, mine’s too big too. I even tried with a belt just to see and the pants still fell off. I didn’t know I lost weight but I guess.  Like maybe sympathy for you?  I don’t know man.  I just don’t think I have enough time to get it taken in.

Blaine: I have a friend that might can do it.  Get over here asap with it and I’ll call her.  Sympathy for me?  Does that include drinking green smoothies and skipping on the donuts?

Finn:  Seriously? That’d be awesome.  Rachel’s leaving for work pretty quick so I’ll get to you as soon as she’s gone.  No… I mean for a while I think it just meant puking my guts out at random and not really eating for days at a time because food sounded gross.  So I guess you could include skipping donuts in that.  But I definitely didn’t drink smoothies.

Blaine: Dude stress kills.  Are you okay now with the whole random puking thing? Jessica is a whiz with her own clothes so she probably can.  I’ll call her, and if not she might have a grandma or know of a 24 hour place.  She’s my PA for a reason.

Finn: Yeah, I don’t really do that anymore.  I mean, I guess it wasn’t totally random.  I know I puked for a good three days after that stupid dinner at my parents house.  Like every time I thought about it.  I still don’t have too much of an appetite but it’s getting better.  She sounds like a keeper.  I’ll pay her a lot.  Well…Like maybe a little more than normal tailoring for the rush.

Blaine: Haha, I called she said she could do it just to get to my place asap so she can get some sleep tonight!  Nate’s coming over to watch the game too while Kurt’s out so if you are still here when he get’s back it’ll just look like I invited you over to watch the game :)

Finn: Solid man, thank you. I’m heading that way now.  Normally she’s chill but like the whole unprepared thing just would not fly.  You know?

Blaine: Oh I know.  I get it completely.  Cooper also just texted and said he will be here too.  Maybe we should play poker and smoke.

Finn: That’d be awesome.  I’ll see you shortly.  Further proof I’m an idiot?  I grabbed the shirt and tie that go with it to.  Just…why would I even need those?

Blaine: actually good because if those are to huge we can get you a new shirt fast.

Finn: The shirt’s okay I think.  The biggest problem is my waist.  Like it doesn’t actually hold my pants up at all.

Blaine: I can relate.  Just grab all of it and hurry up :)

**

Kurt was out running errands.  He’d been out all morning, stopping by the cleaners, grocery shopping, and even getting caught up at the bakery buying cupcakes.  The day had been more than just a little productive and Kurt found himself smiling and chatting with random strangers.  It felt good to be out and about and getting things done.  He even snapped a few pictures as he went, making random posts on Twitter about everything from the sax player on the corner to the allure of sugary baked goods at Babycakes.

Blaine had been lazing around the apartment most of the day.  He was tired and his energy levels were low, but he had felt like being social.  He also had a reason to have friends over, and that was to check and make sure that when he started his latest drug trial, someone would be there to see if he had a bad reaction.  The frantic text from Finn about his pants had made Blaine slightly worried.  It sucked to be stressed out, losing weight, and relatively unhappy overall, so he was determined to give Finn something to look forward to.  Jess had agreed to do the pinning and last minute alterations and pretty soon Finn was standing on a stool in his living room while Jess pinned Finn’s pants for a final time.  “Finn dude you should drink this,” Blaine laughed and motioned to a glass of green smoothie, “it will help you gain some weight.”

Finn eyed the drink and tried not to gag but also tried not to move because those pins she was using were totally a bitch if she, say, stabbed you.  Probably on purpose.  ”Not gonna help me if I can’t keep it down.  It is just not right for a drink to be that color, dude.”

He rolled his eyes, “dude just try it.  You eat salad and stuff all the time.  It’s better texture wise.” Blaine made his way to flip on the TV and looked over at Jess and smiled, “but whatever you do don’t move or she will stab you like a voodoo doll.”

Jess smirked lightly at Blaine’s comment and looked at him coolly, “I’ll stab you like a voodoo doll mister, if you don’t quit teasing me.”

“Ha, you stab me, I puke on your shoes,” Blaine teased and flipped through the channels to find the game before leaning his head on Nate’s shoulder, “and you mister can’t seem to let Jessica go anywhere alone.”

“Hey,” Nate playfully gasped, “someone has to watch her or she’ll hook up with the hot doorman in our building.”

Finn chuckled at the two’s banter but gave Blaine a kind of dirty look.  ”I know I eat salad.  I don’t drink salad, “ he looked down at Jess where she was doing something to the bottom of the pants.  ”Yeah, I freaking noticed.  How would you like me to explain marks on my body to  Rachel?  She’ll totally notice.”

“Fine whatever,” Blaine huffed playfully, “you are such a whiner, and I know she will notice.”  He pulled out the bottle he picked up earlier in the day and read the instructions before grabbing a lighter and putting the joint between his lips, “this is fucking crazy.”  He sucked in a breath of air and breathed out slowly allowing the smoke to fill the air.

Finn snorted out a laugh.  ”Yeah, I mean… I’ve been in rock bands.  Never really thought you’d embrace the whole drug thing before me, man.  Totally nuts.”  He looked at Blaine, just waiting for the guy to start hacking up a lung.  He’d been around too many people doing this stuff not to wait for it.  ”You know you’re gonna need more than a smoothie to eat after you smoke that for a while, right? Me and Puck only did it a couple times but we used to order, like, three or four pizzas ahead of time.”

Blaine laughed and took a hit before coughing painfully, “shit that burns medicinal dose or not.”  He smiled, “I know I have some frozen pizza and nachos in the kitchen.  It’s game day.”  His phone beeped after a minute and he sat the joint down and fiddled through.

Kurt: I think I want the lemon one. So many choices…

Blaine: Hey babe.  I know you are at baby cakes cause the pictures you are taking and putting up are delicious looking.  

Blaine: Lemon is good. Lemon is REALLY GOOD…

Kurt: Hmm, I thought so ;)I’ll get those then.

Blaine: :)  I’m smiling ear to ear on that note.  See you later.  Love you.  Can you add one carrot cake cupcake to that order too?

Kurt: I sure can! Love you too, babe. 

Blaine: Okay. I’ll see you later. BTW Finn, Cooper, Nate, Jess and I are all here watching the game for a bit before Nate, Jess, and Cooper leave for stuff.

Jessica stood up and tugged on the pants one more time, surveying her handiwork; Finn scowled when he heard her mutter something about ‘skinny ass.’  It was the first time he’d ever been called that exactly.  ”Maybe I should hit that with you.”  He’d been half-joking all along but now he kind of wondered because none of those food options really sounded appealing.  He just… seriously he wasn’t hungry.  Maybe he had an ulcer or something.  ”How’s that working out for you over there?  I don’t know CPR if you keep choking.”

Blaine turned and looked at Finn, “this is nothing cough wise that is.  Go change, and roll one with me if you brought your stash.”  He looked over at Nate who was looking at both of them like they lost their minds and turned back to Finn, “hurry up.  Pre-games almost over.”

Finn looked at Jess and without a word, she just nodded that he was in the clear.  He was half-sure he could get his pants off without poking himself somewhere sensitive.  Stash.  Yeah, he’d told Blaine a long time ago that it wouldn’t be a big deal to get him some weed, and yeah, he’d made the bass player roll it and bag it but… he wouldn’t really call two joints a stash.  And it’d been a really, really long time since he’d done this.  Like… pre-Rachel.  Pre-a lot of things.  Whatever it was, though, he brought it back out to the living room.  ”I feel like this is weird.”  

“And I don’t.  I’m getting high for science,” Blaine said took another drag off his joint and sighed.  He moved back to the kitchen and went and grabbed a bowl of chips, a thing of ranch dip, and a bag of assorted sliced vegetables before sending Kurt another quick text.

Blaine: While you are out if you haven’t been to whole foods already can you add that apple chai juice to the list.  It’s the naked brand.

Kurt: Already have it… I read your mind!  It’s like we’re married or something ;)

“Today is about having fun and not worrying if you feel weird don’t do it, but if it helps me eat I’m doing it,” he said as he stepped back out into the living room.

Finn laughed and shook his head.  ”Then what am I doing it for?  ’Cause I can?  Or maybe it’s, like, hand holding.  He reached over and grabbed Blaine’s lighter.  ”If Rachel finds out about this, she’s gonna be seriously pissed.”   He tucked it into his mouth and he could almost remember what he was doing.  And he still didn’t cough as bad as Blaine had, so whatever right?

Kurt was still standing in line at the bakery when Rachel texted him.  Apparently she’d seen the cupcake pictures too.

Rachel: Seeing those pictures of yours gave me the best idea!

Kurt: Oh?

Rachel: Since Finn is already hanging out with Blaine, watching the game, why don’t we make a day of it too?  I can bring some drinks and snack, you can bring the dessert, and while they get sucked into the game we can have some girlfriend time.

Kurt: I love it, I’ll be sure and bring plenty home.  See you soon!

Rachel: See you!

Blaine smiled tiredly and took another hit.  He could feel the drug making him lighter, more mellow even, but the most unique aspect of it was the fact he really was starting to feel hungry.  He grabbed handful of the potato chips and stuck a few in his mouth, “Yeah she would be seriously pissed.  I think Kurt might be too, then again it is for science.  That’s the argument I’m sticking with because I have the bottle.”

Rachel balanced her tray of goodies in one hand, tucking the carafe of lemonade she’d brought under her arm as she knocked on the door.  She could hear the television and she knew it was unlikely anyone could hear her over it so she pulled out her spare key and used it to just unlock the door and let herself in.  As soon as she closed the door behind her she was hit by the unusual smell of weed.  She turned immediately to sit the snacks and drinks aside, stomping into the livingroom to find her husband.  Rachel was already furious and she didn’t even know for sure what was going on here.  But she was going to find out.  She found them lounging on the sofa, both of them obviously high.

She snatched the joint out of Finn’s hands and snuffed it out in the ashtray on the coffee table.  “Have you lost your mind?  What are thinking?” Her eyes flitted back and forth between Finn and Blaine trying desperately to come up with a reason for what they were doing.  She couldn’t come up with a single one.  “I can’t believe you’re putting that filth in your body, Finn!  You either, Blaine!  No matter what’s going on with you, this isn’t the way to handle your problems and you know that.” she was standing over Finn now with her hands on her hips, fuming.  “I don’t know how this got started or why, but we’re leaving right this minute!”  Rachel tugged Finn by the hand and shot one more accusatory glare at Blaine.  “Kurt’s going to be here soon and he’s not going to be happy to find you getting high with all your druggie friends.”

Blaine snorted a laugh and looked at Rachel before standing up. “Why would he care?  It’s for science.”  He tossed the prescription bottle at her before leaving for the kitchen, “and Finn’s entitled to do what he wants with his body on his time.”

Rachel’s eyes narrowed as she dropped Finn’s hand and stormed over to Blaine, “he will care, and you aren’t dragging my husband into your drug use.  You may think you’re doing it for science or whatever the hell they are calling it now, but Finn isn’t going to participate and you of all people should know better than to make him your number one druggy buddy.”

Kurt was juggling all his bags from whole foods and the box of cupcakes when he managed to get the door open and slip in.  He knew to expect the place to be full of people, but he hadn’t expected to see this.  He nearly dropped it all at the scene in the living room.  ”Oh my god, ” he gasped.  There was a full blown fight going on and Kurt couldn’t figure out why until Blaine jumped back in, fixing Rachel with a hard look.

“Druggie buddy?” Blaine looked at her, “I didn’t buy him what he brought over.  I have a prescription.”  He noticed Kurt step into the apartment and slumped back on the couch.

“What the hell is going on?”  His eyes fell on the ashtray on the coffee table and the crushed joint laying in it.  It didn’t take too much time to reach the conclusion that Rachel was melting down and lines were being drawn with Finn somewhere in the middle.  Jess and Nate looked lost for words and Kurt was grateful they were keeping calm.  He wasn’t so sure he could do the same if Rachel was going to keep yelling at his husband.

Finn shot Blaine some shut up eyes.  ”Thanks a lot, dude.”  He turned to Rachel. “Just.. babe… slow down a second.  What… first things first.  What are you doing here?”

“Everyone just shut up a minute,” Blaine barked out before they could all start yelling.  ”look Finn came over to hang out.  We wanted to try something that would make me feel less like shit. Okay?  I have a prescription; we found some weed.  It’s a gateway drug whatever, but Rachel put pants back on for a minute and relax.  Jesus Christ.”  He looked back at Finn, “sorry man.”

Kurt understood the prescription part but he wasn’t sure how he felt about coming home to a fight.  He didn’t appreciate being told to shut up either, but maybe that was less directed at him and more directed at Finn and Rachel.  Kurt turned and set the cupcakes on a nearby table, the bags on the floor and crossed his arms, looking at each of them in turn, waiting for whatever it was Blaine was about to say.

Blaine turned to look at Kurt as his arms crossed across his chest before turning back to Rachel, “secondly I don’t appreciate you coming into my home and calling your husband my druggie buddy before you get your facts straight.  Saying that just makes me sound like some strung out junkie.  I don’t need you lecturing me on what could and couldn’t happen because frankly I don’t want your opinion right now.  I want you to leave and let Finn and I continue our game and guy time without pot.

Finn kind of gave Blaine a dirty look, again, and put his hand on Rachel’s shoulder.  ”What, are you high or something?”  He had to seriously try not to laugh, but he was successful.  Rachel was completely pissed.  Now Blaine was all fired up.  He looked over his shoulder at Kurt.  ”Sorry.  Just, sorry, Kurt.  Hey.”  He looked back at Rachel.  ”The whole thing started ‘cause I said I wasn’t hungry.  Seriously.  And because my pants were falling off.  It’s really not; it isn’t a big deal.  I promise.”

Finn looked pretty concerned over the whole thing so when he finally acknowledged that Kurt was standing there now, Kurt gave him a little nod in greeting.  Clearly there was a lot that Kurt was missing here and it was hard not to jump all over all of them to just explain it already.  “So when were you going to tell me any of this, Blaine?” Kurt asked as calmly as he could.

“Tonight,” Blaine said looking at him and taking the bottle from Rachel and handing it to him, “here.”

Kurt took the bottle from Blaine and turned it over in his hand, reading the label.  It had Blaine’s name on it and was clearly from his doctor.  So it was a perscription.  Not that he needed that as proof that Blaine wasn’t some strung out drug dealer.  It just helped to fill in some of what had happened here.  Rachel didn’t seem as easily mollified.

Rachel planted her hands on her hips and growled softly, “You are the worst, Blaine. Don’t you know that people are born predisposed to drug addictions? Finn’s father? Does any of this ring a bell?  We’ve all been friends for years.  You…” she blinked her watery eyes and squared her shoulders before answering Finn’s questions, “Kurt and I decided to surprise you both with cupcakes and, well, I guess the surprise was on us both.”

Blaine looked at her with a combination of shock and confusion.  He didn’t know anything about Finn’s father, just that he had died.  It was something Finn didn’t like talking about and Blaine never pressed.  He looked at the other man again before he stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door.
 
Kurt watched Blaine disappear and turned to Rachel.  “You need to leave,” he said evenly.  He was still in a state of shock over the whole thing, but he couldn’t abide Rachel’s accusations against Blaine or the fact that she automatically assumed he felt the same way she did.  Finn was standing just to the side and Kurt spared him a quick glance.  If he wasn’t going to stick up for Blaine any better than he had, then he needed to go too.  Kurt was pretty sure he got the message.

Rachel crossed her arms, her chin lifting stubbornly as she looked back at Kurt.  “I think that is probably for the best,” she said tightly.

Kurt opened the door and stood waiting for them both to leave.

Finn sighed.  ”Okay, well apparently Blaine is an angry drunk which, I didn’t see coming.”  He tilted his head.  ”Um.  I’m not gonna… I’ve been around it all a lot and this is…”  He licked his lips and squeezed his eyes shut.  ”Sorry.  Fine.”

Kurt looked at them both and frowned.  ”I’ll call you, both.” he promised, his anger now barely held in check.  He didn’t want to hear how any of this was on Blaine when obviously he’d been attacked.  Right now he just wanted them gone so he could think.  Later, when he was more in control, he would call them.  Though they might not like what he would say even then.

“You sure you can handle him?  He seems pretty mad,” Finn said to Kurt.  “I can-” he looked over at Rachel, “I can stay if you want me to.”

Rachel glared at Finn, “Oh no, you’re not staying here one more second with all of this!” Rachel gestured back to the others as if disgusted.

“I have this.” Kurt interjected.  He shot a gaze back at Jess and Nate who were already gathering their things silently as Cooper walked in and slipped to the back.

Finn ran his hand over his forehead and sighed, his eyes drooping closed as the little he’d gotten started to sink in.  “Rachel.” He shook his head and then looked at Kurt.  ”O- okay.  If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” Kurt looked at them both pointedly as they walked through the door.

I kinda like it ending there

Chapter Text

Blaine: I’m sorry I don’t handle being lectured in my own house well while apparently contributing to your hereditary drug habit, and being high. I’ll call you later tonight if Kurt hasn’t killed me. TTYL.

Finn: Yeah don’t worry about the me parts. There’s like a whole other story there she’s reacting to. It’s totally not your fault, man. It’s mine and I’m sorry you got stuck in the middle of that. And if you’re dead and someone else is reading this, I don’t know what drug habit the first message was talking about. This was a wrong number.

Blaine: He hasn’t even spoken to me yet. What the hell was she going on about me contributing to some drug habit that your dad had or something? I mean honestly I knew about the dishonorable discharge thing and your petitioning of the army, but I didn’t know why. I guess now I do.

Finn: Yeah. I’ll um… we can talk about it more later, like in person. Basically he got caught selling heroin and in possession of a bunch of other stuff. It’s a whole story. He was an addict and it killed him. Sorry. I hope he does talk to you. I mean, I kinda think the two of them overreacted but yeah. Seriously I’m sorry.

Blaine: Actually I don’t think Kurt overreacted. I should have told him about the trial instead of him coming home to that. I think maybe right now it might not be best for me to go to the awards. I mean since I’m such a bad influence and all.

Finn: You better still go. We’ll get it all worked out before. Once you know all the junk about my dad, you’ll get her reaction. She had a typical Rachel reaction. And okay, well I don’t really know what Kurt’s doing so I can’t say. I know Rachel was pretty hard on you and I know why she was, but I’m sorry you got run over by it. Like… it’s my fault honestly. I’m sorry. Okay?

Blaine: Yeah I get it, but the point is she made me feel like nothing but a typical drug addict, Finn. Like I was just some junkie to pull you down and fuel a habit, and honestly I don’t want to associate with someone that’s going to view me that way. I might just flush the drugs. Prescribed or not, it’s not worth this.

Finn: Did it make you feel less sick? If it did you shouldn’t just flush it. You’re not a junkie or whatever. I’m sorry she made you feel like crap. If you don’t wanna associate with her I can’t control that but… I hope it gets better. We all need each other and you didn’t do anything wrong.

Blaine: Actually right now I feel pretty shitty so I can’t give a good response to that. I’ll get back with you later. When all this bad feeling just wears off. I’m altered. I can tell.

***

It had been about 20 minutes since Rachel and Finn had left, and he felt sick. Once the smoke had cleared and he had texted Finn, Blaine stepped tentatively out of the bedroom and back into the kitchen. He dumped the joints out on the table and set the prescription bottle aside as he looked at them. He hated thinking that these sticks that could help him were causing so much tension. Maybe Rachel was right. He bottled them back up and looked towards the living room before running his hand over his head.

Kurt ushered the last of the guests out, put away the groceries, and stared hard at his phone, needing so badly to go back about fifteen minutes and try this again. He put his phone back in his pocket and decided it was time to break the silence in the apartment. He grabbed the box of cupcakes and carried them into the kitchen. Then he set them aside and leaned back against one of the counters. He crossed his feet and his arms and licked his lips before speaking. “We should talk,” he said softly, but in the stillness of the kitchen his voice sounded loud in his ears.

“Don’t,” Blaine whispered his voice sounding loud in his ears as he pocketed his phone. “I’m going to flush the dope, it was stupid, and Rachel was right she’s always right, maybe smoking this makes me look like a druggie. I don’t think I can handle anymore negative right now.”

“Wait,” Kurt dropped his hands. He wanted to go to Blaine and physically stop him, but in this case, maybe Blaine still needed space. Which he could understand. Kurt was pretty sure he still needed some space too but he didn’t want to leave important things unsaid. ”I wasn’t going to jump on you right now, but I was thinking you might be under that impression and you are, so please… let’s just talk okay? No jumping or yelling. Just you and me. I’ll even make tea. Very civilized.” Kurt moved forward and pulled out the tea pot and began filling it with water, hoping to give Blaine a chance to choose to stay and talk.

Blaine looked at Kurt with red eyes. He moved the bottle back to the center of the table and sighed. He was so angry and he just wanted to scream. He couldn’t do this; couldn’t feel this way. He watched as Kurt filled the tea pot with water and tried to relax tried to breath, “ginger please, I feel sick.”

“Me too,” Kurt said. He pulled out the tin of ginger tea. Then the honey. He was standing at the refrigerator pulling out a lemon before he said anything else. ”I’m not mad about the pot,” he admitted. He didn’t look at Blaine, but went about finding a knife to cut the lemon. ”I think I just panicked when I walked into a fight, and there were unexpected elements,” he paused to take a breath and then he looked over at Blaine, his expression guarded.

“I could have handled it better.” Blaine sighed as Kurt said he wasn’t mad about the pot, “but you’re mad that I didn’t tell you about it, mad that I had it in the apartment to begin with,” Blaine sighed and coughed as he twirled the bottle in his hand, “I can’t think right now. To be honest.”

“Please just… I said I wasn’t mad about the pot and that’s exactly what I meant. I know about medical marijuana. So, I get that,” Kurt put the lemons on a plate and remembered that he forgot to turn on the stove. Clearly he couldn’t think either. ”I was just defensive. I walked in and Rachel was yelling and I didn’t know what to do. I’m trying to say I’m sorry.”

“She basically called me a junkie. She said she understood my pain. She doesn’t understand shit,” Blaine took in a breath, “she said Finn was going to be my druggie buddy. She walked into OUR home with a key I had made for her in case of an emergency, and proceeded to bitch me out and just…” Blaine’s voice trailed off, “I’m sorry you had to see me so angry.”

“Oh my god, please don’t apologize, I don’t think I can handle that.” Kurt walked slowly across to Blaine, giving him a chance to realize that Kurt was closing the distance between them. “I should have stopped her. I should have stood up for you, probably even Finn too, though I suppose he can do that for himself. I was shocked and unprepared, but that’s no excuse for not getting in between you and anyone who would say those horrible things to you. She was wrong, and Blaine, I am so sorry.” Kurt reached for Blaine then and pulled him into a tight hug.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt and squeezed him gently. He breathed in the smell of his cologne and tried to relax to no avail. He was so keyed up and still so angry. He released him from his grip and sighed as he stepped back, “I need to go to the gym.”

Kurt stepped back, nodding. This was something he understood. It didn’t have to do with him now, so he could work on making his own peace with tea and a cupcake and maybe he would text Finn and offer him some space on their couch if he needed it. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll be here.” He smiled a little for Blaine and hoped that he sounded sincere. He didn’t feel at all bad about Blaine going to the gym, he felt bad about the inevitable fight he was going to have with his friend. Not tonight though. He was taking the bubbliest of bubble baths and putting it out of his head.

***

Blaine stepped back in from the gym a while later to the sound of water running in the bathroom. He went and knocked on the door before opening it up and sitting on the floor next to Kurt, “hey. Feel better?”

Kurt had one foot propped up on the side of the tub and was laying way down so that the bubbles tickled his chin. He’d replaced his tea with wine and was on his second glass when Blaine stepped in. ”Hey,” he smiled. Blaine looked better, a lot better. ”I’m feeling a lot better,” he said. Kurt sat up just a little bit, looking Blaine over. ”You look like you could use a bath.”

“I could,” he picked up the glass of wine and took a sip before making a face, “and well I thought I could have this too, but my taste buds say otherwise.” He smiled, “is that an invite into the tub with you?”

Kurt might have licked his lips just a little bit as he listened to Blaine. He always looked so good after a workout. Kurt usually wasn’t a fan of sweat, but Blaine made it downright sexy, even now when he was mostly cooled back off. Kurt pretty much wanted to taste him which, wow, okay. ”It most definitely was,” he nodded slowly.

Blaine leaned over and kissed his bare leg before standing up shedding his clothes and slipping into the warm water. ”I miss a big bathtub, maybe we should consider getting a hot tub?”

“Mmm,” Kurt agreed, but this was pretty nice too. He wrapped his arms around Blaine and kissed at neck, just a little bit. “Did you have a good workout?”

Blaine nodded and leaned back against him, “I did it was much needed.”

He nuzzled and nosed at Blaine’s scalp just a little, breathing him in and enjoying the feel of having him in his arms just then. ”So is this, I think,” Kurt whispered.

Blaine turned to kiss him softly as he let out a comfortable sigh, “just being with you makes everything better.”

“I am pretty wonderful,” he teased softly and then squeezed Blaine just a little bit. ”Being with you makes me better.”

“I’m pretty wonderful too,” Blaine pouted playfully before slipping further down into the water and tangling one of his legs with Kurt’s, “should we still go to the banquet?”

“Probably,” Kurt said. He was still angry, but he wouldn’t always feel like he did right now. At least he hoped not. ”How do you feel about it?”

“Well considering it’s tomorrow and I paid to get my suit altered, Jessica busted her butt to get Finn’s tux fixed, and I bought her earrings I should probably go, but at the same time she’s just been so distant and I dunno. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly, but I really feel like she’s still dwelling on her issues, and not getting out and embracing life.”

“I do think there’s a lot of that going on,” Kurt spoke against Blaine’s skin. Blaine was his safe place and he was hanging on tight right now. ”At the same time, we don’t have to be on speaking terms to go. We can go and see and later we won’t have to regret missing anything. Unless you really don’t want to and then we just won’t.” He tucked the last line on with real sincerity. It wasn’t worth stressing Blaine out. He was supposed to be staying calm and getting stronger. That was pretty much the most important thing to Kurt just then. His friendship with Rachel was important too but not at the expense of Blaine’s health. Besides, she was the one doing all the yelling and accusing. It was really a lot to mull over and he wasn’t exactly prepared to fully decide tonight anyway.

Blaine nodded and sighed, “Maybe we shouldn’t, and also maybe we shouldn’t talk to them for a while.” He took in another deep breath and completely relaxed against Kurt and closed his eyes, “I know we need friends right now, but we have so many outside of them. Maybe we need a break.”

Kurt closed his eyes but he nodded too. “I think you’re right. I thought I would text Finn tomorrow and just… let him know he still has a place here if he needs it, and then… yes. I think maybe a break is good. They have their hands full and so do we, and I think… focusing on us is really important right now.”

Blaine sighed and nodded, “I love you, I don’t want you to lose your friendship with Rachel because of me.” He shivered slightly despite the warm water, “I dunno I just guess since this happened with me she and I are even more distant and it just sucks. I miss my sister, and she totally doesn’t seem to care. I actually gave up trying to talk to her.”

“If our friendship falls apart over this, then it wasn’t very strong, was it?” Kurt ached just saying that out loud but he needed Blaine to hear him, really hear him. “It wouldn’t be your fault. I can forgive her, eventually, you know, but we’ll just have to see how it goes. She’s been really distant with me too. I think maybe a break might be a relief to her too. That’s the feeling I get anyway.” Kurt rubbed his hands up and down Blaine’s arms.

“Yeah, she’s overwhelmed with her loss, and really I can’t believe she hid it for as long as she did. It has really destroyed her, and Finn he’s just… a shell of who he used to be. I can’t get over how much their marriage so young has left them so dependent on one another that they practically can’t breathe without being in the same room. I know that in some ways we are like that, but you and I learned to live without one another, and now coming back together I definitely think we’re stronger.”

“I think you’ve hit it exactly right,” Kurt said softly. ”Maybe counseling will help them, but I can definitely see the difference our time apart has made. Even if I didn’t enjoy that time, I do think we both grew more into ourselves, more independent.”

Blaine sat up and turned around in the water and looked at Kurt, “I love you, and you’re right as much as it sucked it made us a much stronger couple.” He yawned and sighed, “I want to take you to bed.”

“I love you too, and I really want to be taken to bed,” Kurt said. He wanted nothing more than to be wrapped around Blaine for the rest of the night.

Blaine yawned again and stood up and stepped out of the tub before reaching out to Kurt as he grabbed a few towels and wrapped them up, “Let’s go to bed.”

“Let’s,” Kurt leaned in toward Blaine but not for a kiss, just for closeness. He held onto Blaine’s hand while they padded out to the bedroom. Kurt scrubbed a little more at himself, drying as best he could, and then he left his towel over the chair. Kurt climbed into bed without a stitch on, but it was because he needed the comfort of feeling Blaine, as much of Blaine as possible, as they both drifted off.

Blaine followed suit and wrapped himself around Kurt as he pulled the comforter over their naked bodies and closed his eyes. He needed this comfort of Kurt and smiled slightly as he drifted off to sleep.

***

Blaine stirred as the morning sounds of the city woke him from peaceful sleep. He reached over to find Kurt still sleeping, and curled himself tighter around him. He snaked his tongue gently along his ear and kissed down his neck as he slid his hands further down his body. He loved waking up to him, and after last night he wanted to show him how much.

Kurt sighed softly in his sleep, but after another moment he came awake slowly, stretching luxuriously against Blaine, hands reaching for him before he’d opened his eyes. ”Hi,” he whispered. His voice was still thick with sleep.

“Hi,” Blaine whispered back his voice still tired and slightly raspy. “We should stay here all day.” He smiled as Kurt’s hands reached for him, and he nuzzled against his body before kissing him softly. “You’re beautiful you know that?”

“Yes, please,” Kurt sighed. He kissed Blaine back and relished the feeling of of coming awake like this, all warm and snuggled and naked in Blaine’s arms. ”You make me feel beautiful,” Kurt answered quietly. He traced a finger over Blaine’s cheek bone and across his lower lip, his eyes following the path his finger took. Then he looked back into Blaine’s eyes. ”You’re beautiful,” he said, his heart suddenly in his throat.

Blaine looked at Kurt intensely for a few moments and sighed as he closed his eyes, “you don’t know how much that means to me.” He snuggled himself closer to Kurt and brushed a hand against his cheek. ”Lately with everything happening I don’t feel attractive, if anything I just feel out of place.”

Kurt wished there was some way to fully erase that line of thinking for Blaine, but he knew the extent of his powers. Showing Blaine how beautiful he was in Kurt’s eyes was in his control, so that was what he would work on. It was more than skin deep, though, and really that was a feeling that Kurt understood too. “I’d like to help, if I can,” Kurt offered. ”I sort of feel like that a lot lately,” he admitted.

“Okay,” Blaine whispered as he ran his hand through Kurt’s hair and kissed him softly, “it’s such a weird feeling isn’t it? Feeling like no one really understands us the things we’re going through except the people that are going through it too.”

”It is,” Kurt answered. ”It’s isolating.” That was why people had to turn to support groups, he thought. Because that was the only place they could find people who really got it. But did they need one to go to together or did they need separate ones? Did they need one at all? Maybe they just need to reach out to some other people and find a broader base of support. Blaine’s life had changed because of the cancer, but Kurt’s life had almost disappeared. Two sides of the same coin with all the same fears and worries and hopes and dreams.

“You,” Blaine kissed his nose, “need to get out more. It’s always work or home with me, and while you’re at work I’m still getting out, being social, seeing people.” He smiled as he moved to laying on top of Kurt and smirked, “you should come with me next week to treatments too, maybe you’ll meet someone like you. Someone who’s going through the same things.”

“You’re probably right,” Kurt sighed. That was the real problem here though. He didn’t have the motivation to do that. He was in serious danger of becoming codependent though, if he didn’t change some of his ways. ”I sort of have tunnel vision right now, and it’s not really good for either of us,” he felt a little relieved though, that they were saying these things to each other. They needed to be said.

“Tunnel vision isn’t always bad,” Blaine leaned in and bit at his neck, “though in this case you need people you can turn to.” He ran his hands further down his chest and smiled before kissing the skin and swirling his tongue along each of his nipples, “because you shouldn’t feel alone in any of this.”

Ohmygod. Kurt arched and stretched and eventually rocked his shoulders back, trying to give Blaine room to move, because damn. And he did try to give appropriate answers. He mhmm’d and then moaned, but he was listening, for the most part. “Don’t feel… alone,” he laughed just a tiny bit, “exactly, okay…” he couldn’t form proper sentences as long as Blaine’s tongue was running over his skin like that.

Blaine smirked again as Kurt melted under his touch before he moved further down his body dipping his tongue against his belly button and swirling his tongue along his thighs all the time avoiding his cock. ”Promise me babe,” he smiled as he swirled his tongue back up to his nipples and grabbed the lube before pouring some between them and rocking against him slowly.

“Blaine,” it was whiny, and almost pitiful, but Kurt needed Blaine to focus if he was going to start something like that. He tried a different tactic when Blaine didn’t stop. ”Please?” he asked, his hips canting forward, but Blaine wanted a promise. “Oh, uh, yes, okay, people, got it, promise,” he said. Then he grabbed at Blaine as best he could, desperate for better friction.

“Good deal,” Blaine said as Kurt gripped into him and pulled him harder against him. The slow rocking motions of their bodies moving together caused him to breathe out and growl low in his throat. “I love you.”

“I love you so damn much, Blaine!” Kurt pulled Blaine’s leg up over his hip, and slid his hand around over his ass. God he was so needy this morning, but this felt like an affirmation between them. They still had each other, they could face anything as long as they had that much.

Blaine sighed against Kurt’s lips as he continued to lazily grind their cocks together. He wanted Kurt but this was more than sex this was reaffirming their love he needed him to know that. “Love this,” he said while picking the pace up slightly as he brought their lips together and swept his tongue into his mouth.

Kurt clung to Blaine as their bodies moved together, it was slow and hot and Kurt felt like he was melding with Blaine. They slipped together perfectly, and Kurt opened to Blaine’s tongue, kissing him without any sort of rush, though it was still deep and intense.

Blaine broke the kiss as he moved against him and groaned. Their bodies were moving in perfect rhythm, in sync with amazing friction. He could feel his whole body tensing and heat pooling, “baby,” he whispered and kissed against Kurt’s neck, “perfect.”

“Need,” Kurt was trembling, he was so close but he wanted Blaine inside him. “Need you inside me…” he breathed. Kurt rolled, pulling Blaine along until his back hit the mattress and Blaine was above him.

“O…Okay,” Blaine moved as Kurt rolled them over tugging him along. He grabbed the bottle and slicked his fingers before opening Kurt up quickly and sliding into him. His tight heat against Blaine’s aching cock was amazing, and he began rolling his hips slowly before slowly picking up the pace.

“Yes..oh!” Kurt spread himself for Blaine, and moved to wrap his legs around him, but it wasn’t enough, Kurt wanted him deeper. So he tucked his arm under one knee so that he was partially folded in half, his other leg spread out across the bed as Blaine began to move faster. He looked up into Blaine’s eyes, catching and holding his gaze.

Kurt’s quick change in position was all it took for Blaine to slip all the way in. The only noises now were Kurt’s needy words and the slapping of wet, slick skin, “God baby.” Blaine jerked his hips rocking and pressing against Kurt with every motion. He could feel the tenseness and heat, “baby come, come with me.” He wrapped his hand around Kurt’s and pressed them against the bed, “I want you to come untouched.”

Blaine knew exactly how to send him over the edge. It only took a few more thrusts just… right there, and Blaine’s urging, before Kurt was coming in streaks across his chest and stomach. He only closed his eyes when he couldn’t physically keep them open as the pleasure crest through him, wracking his body, pulsing through his cock and ass.

Kurt’s body shook as he came clamping tightly around Blaine and shuddering against him in waves. Blaine cried out as pleasure overwhelmed him as he quickly following spilling deep inside Kurt. His breathing hitched and his muscles ached as he lowered himself and curled around his husband, “shower with me?”

Kurt kissed at Blaine’s temple and he held him close for a moment. “Yes, please,” Kurt sighed. He stretched and they moved off the bed. Kurt’s legs were watery feeling and he laughed, clutching a little at Blaine’s arm.

Blaine smiled as he gripped Kurt tightly and pulled him towards the bathroom. The weekend was looking up.

Chapter Text

TO: Nana (1nanadot@gmail.com)
FROM: Blaine (banderson@gmail.com)
SUBJECT: Wedding Cake

Nana,
It was great talking to you the other night. I miss you. Remember how we talked about you possibly baking mine and Kurt’s wedding cake? I was wondering if you could actually make a smaller version of the attached picture with cheesecake instead of regular cake. If it is to much trouble I understand completely. Jessica and Nate said if you can though you are more than welcome to use their kitchen. I have to make the final arrangements with the boat house today as well. I’m hoping that this surprise isn’t going to cause him to freak out. Cooper just walked by with Max and says hello. Give mom a hug from me. I love you both.
Blaine

«Attachment»
cake.

**

TO: Blaine (banderson@gmail.com)
FROM: Nana (1nanadot@gmail.com)
RE: SUBJECT: Wedding Cake

Blaine
It was really great getting to talk to you and Kurt the other night. Leroy and Hiram told me about the slight falling out that you had with Rachel. I only hope that doesn’t affect a long term friendship between all four of you. I’m sorry she said those things to you though. Maybe once she heals from her own loss things will be better. On a happier note, your mom says hi. She has been busy getting ready for the trip, and can’t wait to help you with this surprise. Kurt is going to be thrilled. Please let Nate and Jessica know that I will need to use their kitchen a few nights before the ceremony. That cake is beautiful, and I could easily work with that design for you and Kurt. I gotta run for now. Your mother is coming up to Dayton for the day and we’re supposed to go shopping. I love you.
Nana

**
playbill.

There was something disturbing today inside my dressing room. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen one. They used to just say ‘Watching’. I should probably tell Blaine. On a somewhat lighter note, I ran into Sebastian Smythe at group today. It was so unexpected that for a minute I don’t even think I recognized him. We only talked a little bit, the group setting isn’t exactly conducive to catching up, though he knows why I’m there and now I know why he was there too. For his brother. We traded numbers though I’m not clear on whether or not Sebastian was completely comfortable with that. I was surprise that I was. I think time has pretty much healed whatever was leftover from high school. Besides, both of us know first hand just how important it is not to waste time with things that don’t matter.
-K

**

Today starts cycle 2 of treatment. I hate treatment though it is a necessary evil. The worst thing of it though is hell week. Hell week is the week where you feel like you want to die because death would be less painful and agonizing than long hours in an infusion chair followed by even longer hours of non stop nausea, paranoia, mouth sores and pain. I guess I should be more positive though. I’m trying to stay sane, and yeah it’s difficult but so far I’m succeeding I think.

Kurt started group today I start group for patients tomorrow, and I actually ran into of all people Santana Lopez. She’s a high end drug rep, and she just happened to be at the clinic today when I was receiving treatment. It sucks when old friends see you on the downswing, but she was understanding and wants to catch up. I should text her later.
-B

**

Blaine: It was great seeing you today.

Santana: The pleasure was all yours, wasn’t it? I kid. It didn’t completely suck to see you either. The location could’ve been better, though

Blaine: Not gonna lie the location sucked. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you around. This is my second month of treatment.

Santana: Today was my first trip there. One of the shithole clinics in the Bronx closed so it freed up my time and they sent me to that place for the first time. How’s the treatment going though?

Blaine: That clinic’s number one in the city and it’s full of cancer patients so you should get plenty of business from the doctors. It’s stage 3 testicular cancer so treatment’s going about as well as can be expected. Though, good news Kurt and I have reconciled our differences and we’re getting married.”

Santana: Yeah, that place is sort of a cash cow for us as far as I know. How far into treatment are you? Differences? Are you saying Joani and Chaci broke up at some point?

Blaine: This is only my second round, and considering it’s the number two cancer hospital I would think it would be a cash cow. Yeah, we split about two years ago. Things were rough, I accused him of cheating he didn’t deny it and I walked out. We were so insecure with one another so we broke up. That’s the short version. We reconciled about 2 months ago. It’s been a lot in a short amount of time, but we’re happy.

Santana: What they treat doesn’t matter. Honestly, I’m awesome enough at my job that it can be a kids’ hospital and it’s a cash cow. That sounds like quite the little telenovella. Glad you guys worked it out. At least someone in this stupid, garbage-infested hole can do it. I gave up trying years ago.

Blaine: Haha true on that, but would you really want to drug rep at a kids’ hospital? I mean I have a hard enough time seeing sick kids in and out of here and when I run into the hospital for stuff. It really was a bit dramatic to say the least, and the reconciliation has had it’s fair share of drama as well but we’ll make it. You shouldn’t give up on love and romance Santana. It’s something that’s essential to happiness at least that’s how I feel. If you are happy with who you are why not share it with someone else?

Santana: Uh, actually I already do. I don’t really see them, I deal with their doctors and their doctors love me. I have a few pediatrics offices too. Seeing them is a little depressing though.
I’m too busy right now to put some dick or taco or whatever first. Maybe later I’ll stumble on something but for now I’m good. Finishing grad school will be way better than someone who’s not good enough putting a ring on it just because.

Blaine: That’s good I guess. Yeah it is depressing. Oh yah I understand the busy. I have an album release in a few months as well as my full time job at the advertising agency. I hired a PA to help sort through all of my schedule and do PR for me. She’s amazing. Finishing grad school would be an amazing accomplishment, and I totally agree. There is no reason you should have someone put a ring on it just because.

**

Kurt: Hey, I just wanted to say how cool it was to run into you today, of course then I remembered where we did that and realized how horribly inappropriate that sentiment is.

Sebastian: Hey. It was. And it’s ok. Everyone needs a little support every now and then in rough times. I messaged Blaine too, I hope that’s ok. I’m not planning to blind him or try and have sex with him right away. I’m prepping for Bone Marrow donor anyway. I had forgotten how oddly big your mouth is.

Kurt: Yeah of course! Well, and you know that’s good because I’m really busy right now. I don’t think I can pencil in ass kickings or sing offs or whatever else we might have to get into over that, lol. It can wait, can’t it? Speaking of mouth, oddly enough, I forgot that you weren’t born with a filter for yours. Weird what time can do to our memories, huh?

Sebastian: Ok, so we’ll just table one that for now. Despite my reservations about you, you seem to be in exceptional shape. I was born with a silver spoon that somehow came dislodged after I agreed to help my half-brother. My Mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant while they were still married, so no Smythe will touch this situation with a ten foot pole. No one else on my mother’s side is a match. So here I am.

Kurt: Good, tabled. Age has been very kind to you too. But, on your situation…I think that’s crap… I hope it’s okay to say that, there’s no polite way to say a situation sucks like that. I know, I just tried and erased a ton of different sentiments. Crap fits.

**

Kurt: A promise is a promise. I started group therapy. I also saw the most unexpected person there.

Blaine: Who? You’re not going to believe who I saw today either.

Kurt: Okay are you sitting down? You should sit down. I ran into Sebastian Smythe. Who’d you see?

Blaine: Yours is definitely more surprising. I ran into Santana at the clinic. She’s a drug rep.

Kurt: Oh wow! How is she? God we haven’t talked in years, and I don’t even know why! You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw him, seriously.

Blaine: She fell off the radar that’s for sure. She’s going to grad school, not dating anyone that I know of. I bet. How did that go? I mean I’m assuming that he knows we’re “still” together and about why you are at group. I would like to put the past behind us especially considering.

Kurt: It went pretty good, actually. Except, I didn’t clue him in about our history at all. I just let him think we’d been together this whole time. I know, that’s petty, but there he was sitting in the last place I’d expect. Anyway, yes he does know why I was there. And I agree. I think the past should stay in the past.

Blaine: Good deal. I’m almost done here. I feel like hell, but it could be a lot worse. I made sure to tell Santana how to keep in touch with us and not be a stranger, and well as weird as it sounds maybe we should have Sebastian over one night.

Kurt: I’m all set to make tonight as easy as possible. I’m glad you did, I did the same with Sebastian. I was sort of counting on that being alright with you, so I think we’re on the same wavelength, here, thankfully. I might be you home, I’m almost there.

Blaine: Yeah, you are. I just got unhooked from the line, and was really dizzy so they’re making me stay a little longer. Jess is here with me, and making sure I get home in one piece. See you soon. I love you.

Kurt: I’m so thankful for Jess. I’ll see you soon, love you too hon.

**

Sebastian: Blaine Anderson. I was at group for my very first cry me a river session and I saw Kurt Hummel.

Blaine: I’m sure you heard why he was there then. How are you doing Sebastian?

Sebastian: I’m not bad. I’m here for a while. My half-brother needs bone marrow and I’m a match. He has Leukemia. I’m staying with Santana. Do you see her very often?

Blaine: It sucks to hear that about your half brother. Unfortunately I can relate to what he’s going through. Actually I just saw her today for the first time in a long time. Since when did you two strike up some kind of friendship? I mean I know HS was a long time ago, and we can’t “hate” one another forever, and we all pretty much “hated” you after the rock salt slushy incident, but the two of you are a friendship I never saw coming. Speaking of friends, what do you say we put the past behind us and start over? I wouldn’t mind talking to your face on occasion, and if you’re going to be at group with my soon to be husband I need to get used to the idea of having “a snarky meerkat” around.

Sebastian: He’s in good spirits, they are making sure his liver is up for the punishment of treatment. I go in next week. Pretty nervous. My Dad’s still ignoring my calls. But.. Whatever, sorry for dumping on you.

Blaine: Good to hear he is in good spirits. I’ve been there with the whole liver thing, and it sucks. If you ever need to talk about your dad I can listen. Mine has never been overly supportive you know this. It’s okay to dump on friends. That’s what we are here for. Also, if you need someone to go with you next week I can. I have a few days where I will be up and around the hospital for blood draws and a few scans so I can come sit with you before and after those tests are done.

Sebastian: Thanks. I’ll remember that when want to bore you to death. Are.. you sure? You are a patient. Shouldn’t you be laying around or something?

Blaine: Actually that’s the worst thing you can do or you’ll go crazy. I’ve had a few days where I’ve slept almost 24 hours straight, but since they got my nausea meds straightened out and started me on the medicinal marijuana trial things are better. Gotta love that I can get high for science.

Sebastian: You do pot.. legally? Tell me more. Ok. If you’re sure. Just know that hanging out with me is an exercise in patience because I am really cute and guys will check me out instead of you. Don’t hate. Just saying.

Blaine: Yes I do pot legally. It’s actually quite an interesting situation. Last cycle of chemo was so bad I lost like 20 lbs in 3 weeks so the doctor was like here and wrote me a script for a marijuana trial. I have to log how often and when I smoke, but I’m actually eating and managing to not feel as much like shit this time. Really? I’ve been there and done that everyone stares at Kurt, not to mention my friend Nate’s quite the looker as well. Kurt just got home. Talk to you later.

**

Blaine had been miserable most of the evening. Chemo was kicking his ass, and he was in desperate need of something to make him more comfortable. He had made some ginger tea, and it was helping the nausea but only slightly. He had even tried texting with Sebastian, but his stomach was still lurching, and he ached all over. He sighed when he noticed Kurt walk in to the bedroom and sit down next to him. He rubbed a gentle hand over his forehead and whispered soothing words. Kurt’s presence helped, and right now he would take anything at this point to feel better.

“I’ll be right back.” Kurt hurried to the kitchen where he knew he’d seen the prescription bottle with the joints. Blaine had them for a reason, and he needed them right now. It was crazy not to use something that could help him, but Kurt knew why he wasn’t. They’d not ever had that talk Kurt had wanted, the one where they discussed Kurt’s philosophy on marijuana, but if ever there was a time, it was now. He snagged a lighter out of the kitchen drawer and padded back into the bedroom. “Here,” he said softly, patted at Blaine’s leg gently. ”We need to get you high.”

Blaine groaned and shook his head as he tried to sit up against the pillows. The nausea wasn’t letting up and although he had the means to get some relief he didn’t really want to go that route, not after the fight, and the drama. He curled in on himself and sighed as Kurt stepped back into the bedroom and patted him on the leg. “No. I can’t, not after what happened.”

Kurt sat carefully on the bed, so as not to jostle Blaine too much. ”Yes you can. You and I haven’t really talked about it, and now isn’t the time, but I’m going to sum it all up for you. I’ve smoked. I don’t have any moral qualms about this, and neither should you. Anyone who thinks otherwise is can, well.. stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine. Look,” Kurt reached into the side drawer and pulled out a little gold compact. He flicked it open and pulled out a joint to show Blaine. ”I even picked up some for myself so we can smoke together.”

Blaine looked up at him and nodded. Week one was the worst, and there was no denying that he needed some sort of additional relief. “You could get in trouble for that,” he whispered as he took one of the prescription joints between his lips and shivered slightly. “Where’s the lighter?”

“That’s me, just a bad boy looking for some trouble,” he teased but his voice was soft as a whisper. He passed the lighter to Blaine. “Right here,” he said. Then he crawled up further on the bed and settled next to Blaine.

Blaine lit the joint between his lips and took in a deep breath before managing to exhale slowly. He sighed and closed his eyes as his stomach flip flopped and he curled back in on himself for a moment before taking another drag. “So when did you smoke?”

Kurt reached for the lighter, but wound up stroking his hand down Blaine’s arm for just a moment. Then he put his joint to his lips and lit it, sucking in carefully as it had been a while since he’d last smoked. He held it for a moment and let it out in a steady stream, only swallowing convulsively on instinct. ”I smoked a lot more than I probably should have right after I moved out of Finn and Rachel’s place. I had this roommate and well, anyway, after a few months of that it was just a once and awhile thing,” he said. “Did you ever smoke?” he asked, curious now that they were on the topic.

“A few times with Nate. That’s really it,” Blaine said after letting the smoke he had been holding in out slowly. He was already beginning to relax, and maybe Kurt had been right. This wasn’t something he was just doing to get high and be irresponsible. He scooted over closer to Kurt and put his hand on his thigh, “So you smoked with the roomy huh? Tell me that story.”

With Nate, of course. Kurt decided not to let his thoughts linger on that too much. Especially if he was about to have to admit certain truths about his past to Blaine. Thank god for the weed, he thought. ”Well,” Kurt chuckled darkly. He took another hit, this one a little longer, and held it in his lungs a moment. Then he blew it out slowly and turned his head toward Blaine. ”I met Michael in the chorus and he needed a roommate and I needed a room. He was a party boy. Big time. His place was a dump and I was depressed so I was pretty much drunk during my down time. One night he grabbed the tequila out of my hand and told me he had something better, something that wouldn’t leave me curled over the toilet. I was scared,” Kurt pursed his lips to hide the more genuine grin that tugged his lips at the memory. “You know me, I hardly even drank before that. But his bong was pretty and purple and he got me high as a kite. It turns out it was a lot nicer than getting drunk.”

Blaine could feel the effects of the weed as he listened to Kurt’s story. “Why do I see this huge hairy guy pulling you off the bathroom floor?” He chuckled lightly as the story continued, “maybe I can buy you a purple bong, or it can be blue and shiny.” Blaine coughed again before taking another hit and holding the smoke in his mouth as he leaned into kiss Kurt.

Kurt shook his head at Blaine’s imagery. He couldn’t be further off. He grinned at the idea that he would have a bong that Blaine bought him because his younger self would have been horrified, but then Blaine was leaning in, pressing his lips in a kiss that took Kurt by surprise.

Blaine exhaled slowly as he pressed his lips to Kurt’s he hoped he got the idea of what he was trying to do. If they were going to smoke together they might as well make it fun. He shifted his body and leaned back pulling Kurt down with him.

Kurt realized what was happening only a second before Blaine exhaled. He was able to part his lips and breathe in, and wow, this is what he’d been missing out on. Kurt’s experiences with getting high had included other guys but none had ever tried this with him. He breathed in, smoke and Blaine’s breath, nothing could be more intimate, he thought. He let it out against Blaine’s mouth as Blaine tugged him lower, closer. The high was setting in and suddenly being closer was the very best idea Blaine had ever had.

“Thanks,” Blaine mumbled as he closed his eyes and curled against Kurt, “I actually feel better.” He took another hit and exhaled slowly watching the wisps of smoke curl towards the ceiling before sighing,

“Mm, I’m glad. I don’t want you suffering so much when you don’t have to,” Kurt closed his eyes, his nose turning into Blaine’s shirt. He breathed in the smell of Blaine, the hint of spice that always clung to his clothes. He traced the curve of Blaine’s arm with one finger, losing himself in that touch for a moment, narrowed down to just that point of contact.

Blaine laughed after a moment, “You know that this is a drug trial right? I think it would be hilarious if I am in fact smoking oregano and just getting a contact high.” He took another hit, “I doubt I would be feeling this good though if it wasn’t the real deal.”

Kurt giggled, then slapped a hand over his mouth to stop the sound. “Oh my god, I’m high. Mine is definitely the real thing,” he slipped his fingers across Blaine’s middle hugging him and nuzzling in as close as he could without laying on Blaine. “Yours is real too, I’m sure,” he nodded as if he were an authority on the matter.

Blaine laughed at Kurt’s reaction and smiled as he nuzzled as close to him as he could. His joint was still smoking in his fingers and he turned to look at Kurt with a goofy smile, “so where was this knowledge a month ago Mr Weed Expert?” He trailed a hand to Kurt’s hip and rested it there before inhaling again.

“A month ago I was shy,” he said, taking another hit. “Everything was all new, how was I supposed to say that. Hey Blaine, I think you need pot and I know how to get you some?” he laughed and then stopped laughing and thoguht about it. “I probably should have said that exact thing,” he admitted. “I’ll hop in with a supplier if you ever need more, how about that?” he said softly.

“nah I’m good, and for future reference I would much rather you get high with my stash since we know it’s safe.” Blaine snuggled closer to him, “I know it’s just weed, but still.”

“Okay, I just didn’t… want to take away from what you had, but then I probably won’t do this as often as you anyway.” Kurt’s eyes slipped closed, his fingers still playing across Blaine, slowly.

Blaine took the joint from Kurt’s hand and stubbed it out before he slipped his own back to his lips inhaled and smiled before leaning in and exhaling against his lips again before whispering, “who says we can’t share.”

Kurt inhaled again, lips brushing against Blaine’s softly. “I like that idea,” he whispered.

Blaine sighed as he deepened the kiss. His whole body felt relaxed and he closed his eyes taking in Kurt’s taste and scent. The sweetness that was just Kurt, “no more shyness. I like this feeling.”

Kurt wrapped his legs around Blaine’s, tangling them together as they kissed. It was so unhurried, that Kurt wished they could always be like that. “I like it too,” he breathed.

“I love you,” Blaine whispered as he closed his eyes again, “I’m feeling tired. Is that normal?”

“I love you,” Kurt answered softly. “That’s pretty normal. Sometimes it’s different, you’ve had a rough couple of days though baby. You should sleep if you can.”

“Yeah, first the fight now back to chemo all week,” Blaine sighed as he shivered again slightly, “stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“I’m in for the night too, I’m not going anywhere, hon.” Kurt squeezed at Blaine gently.

“Kay,” Blaine said as he took a final hit and handed the joint to Kurt before exhaling slowly and dozing off.

Kurt reached over and dabbed out the joint before curling back into Blaine and kissing his temple before slipping off into his own much needed rest.

Chapter Text

**

Found this when I opened our paper today. It gives me a really weird feeling to know that whoever this is has followed me here, to Blaine’s. I talked to a guy I know at the police department and he said there isn’t really anything that can be done since I don’t know who it is and the messages haven’t really been threatening. They feel threatening to me though. I can’t shake that feeling.
-K

**

TO: Nana (1nanadot@gmail.com) & Cooper (actorcanders@gmail.com)
FROM: Blaine
SUBJECT: Wedding Invitations

Nana & Coop,
So Jessica has been graciously running around for me this week, and she picked up the 2 final invitation designs. I know everyone is not going to be able to make it on such short notice, but it was the only Saturday the boathouse had, and that was because someone else cancelled their event. Let me know which one you like most by tomorrow that way I can have them printed, and get them mailed out ASAP.
Thanks,
Blaine

«Attachment 1»



**


This was on the mirror of my dressing room. I don’t want to add stress to Blaine’s life right now, but this is terrifying. He or she is watching Blaine now too.
-K

**

TO: Blaine (banderson@gmail.com)
FROM: Kurt (khummel@gmail.com)
SUBJECT: List from Chinatown

I made an informative stop in Chinatown today. I have no idea if you will be up for any of this, but I picked up some things there and they sent me to a regular health food store for a couple of other items. You’ll probably need the okay from your doctor but I thought it couldn’t hurt to try.

Ferrum Phosphoricum - the homeopathic form of iron, which can be taken during chemotherapy. To help bring up the red blood cell count.
Fresh Ginger - to fight nausea.
L Glutamine - to restore the intestinal lining damaged by chemotherapy drugs.
Maitake Mushrooms - have immune enhancing properties and are useful for restoring immune function impaired by chemotherapy drugs.
Nux Vomica - helps with nausea and helps drain the liver.
Quercetin - known as the most effective anti-tumor flavonoid.

**

Blaine: I just got your email. Thanks for picking up those items. I am up for anything at this point. I am taking the list to my doc today, and making sure it’s all safe and not going to interact with anything. Love you.

Kurt: You’re welcome! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about it, there’s just never any time to sit and plan all these things out, so I thought, you know, it wouldn’t hurt just to bring a bunch of things home and see if any turned out to be useful. I’m glad you’re going to show your doctor the list. I was just reading this morning on the way in to rehearsals about sore mouths and really a lot about sores inside the mouth… anyway there is a lot of conflicting information but ask the doc about L-lysine too and if it’s safe to take. I’ll pick you up some special toothpaste and a soft toothbrush on the way home. Try to avoid caffeine and drink lots of water today. (sorry I’m so bossy this morning!) Love you!

Blaine: I’ll ask. Today just sucks. I can’t even think straight. Imagine one canker sore times a million, and that’s what my whole mouth feels like. I can’t even really talk. Thanks in advance for getting the toothpaste and toothbrush. I’m going to ask the doc about the L-lysine, and see if he can also give me more Magic Mouthwash. That stuff really works, and I went through a whole bottle last cycle. I have a giant bottle of water. (It’s okay. Sometimes I just need the push.) Love you too. Also, just to warn you I’m feeling extra paranoid. I kept feeling like I was being watched all through treatment.

Kurt: I think we should talk. There’s something that I need to tell you, because I think I know why you’ve been feeling that way.

Blaine: It shouldn’t be anything. I think it’s just the meds causing paranoia.

Kurt: It might be though. Hurry home.

**

Kurt felt a huge rush of guilt. He should have told Blaine all of this last week, or before that even, back before it even started up again. There were still so many holes they’d yet to fill in about their time apart, but this was happening now, and it was happening to both of them. Kurt felt terrible. He sat down on the couch, gently, his hands wringing in his lap. “I think it is something, though, something I should have told you about before now,” his voice was soft, but still steady at that point.

Blaine looked over at Kurt with a confused look as he watched the other man and sighed. Kurt was a nervous wreck his hands were ringing and it looked like he was about in tears. He wanted to know what had brought this on. He said he thought he knew why Blaine might be feeling like he was being watched, but Blaine doubted it was anything that Kurt had done or said that would be the issue. He figured it was just the chemo causing paranoia or hell even the weed that he was smoking nightly with the exception of tonight since his mouth was on fire. He picked up the cup of crushed up otter pop again and sighed, “babe you okay? What’s going on?”

“I’m so sorry, Blaine,” Kurt whispered. It was hard to look right at Blaine, so he focused instead on the cup in his hands, the crunch of the flavored ice inside. “I have a stalker.” Just saying it like that made it sound so ridiculous, but it wasn’t even the tiniest bit funny. “I’ve had him ever since I started Son of a Witch. He would leave these little notes around that just said, ‘watching’, but it dropped off and stopped. It hadn’t happened in several weeks when you came back into my life, so I sort of thought it was over. But it wasn’t.” He looked back up into Blaine’s eyes with a tremulous sigh.

Blaine took a spoon and began crushing the flavored ice as Kurt spoke. His face turned serious as he took a bite allowing the ice to numb his mouth for a few moments before he put the cup down and looked at Kurt, “you have a stalker and you are just now telling me?” He could feel the heat beginning to rise across his neck as his voice went up a bit, “do you want to know how many times Jessica has been here and left the apartment late at night, how many times you’ve been walking in late after your shows? Kurt with how sick I’ve been what if anyone tried to hurt you or any of our friends? I wouldn’t be able to help you or any of them. I’m the first target to get to you. Shit.” Blaine hissed in pain as he took another bite of the ice and tried to breathe, “you need to call the cops. It’s not a request it’s a must.”

Kurt began to tremble. He knew Blaine was right! He should have been more responsible, he should have put his own fears aside in order to keep the people around him safe. “I know. I know all of that, and Blaine I did talk to the cops. I went in the other day, after rehearsal. I showed them some of the notes, and they told me there wasn’t anything they could really do. Famous people have crazy fans sometimes.” Kurt was outright shaking now. “They said, he or she hasn’t threatened me, and I don’t know who it might be, so…” Kurt squeezed his eyes shut.

“Did you tell them you have a partner at home that’s for all intents and purposes dying, and that you were afraid for your life, and for the others around you,” Blaine spat out before getting up and walking into the kitchen. He grabbed some more of the flavored ice from the freezer before throwing it onto the counter and sinking to the floor as hot tears pooled in his eyes. This was the first time in a very long time that he actually felt scared for his and Kurt’s lives.

Kurt just stared after Blaine for a moment. He couldn’t stop the tears that spilled over. Blaine was so angry and he had every right to be. He also said the word that Kurt hated at that moment more than any other, ‘dying.’ It was too frightening, all of it was. When he realized Blaine was sliding to the floor, though, Kurt hurried to the kitchen. He dropped to his knees, afraid to make Blaine angrier by touching him, but just needing to see that he was okay, physically at least. “Maybe there is someone else I can talk to, that we can talk to, Blaine, I’ll do better, I know I screwed up,” Kurt’s words were running together.

“Kurt…,” Blaine paused as he collected his thoughts a moment and sighed, “just…not right now.” He stood up and ripped open a few of the popsicles, poured them into a cup before going back the couch and crushing the ice with a spoon. He sat like that for a long while before finally speaking back up, “maybe we should see a P.I.”

Kurt let Blaine go. He didn’t follow him back into the living room. He didn’t know if Blaine saying not right now, meant he didn’t want to make any plans right now or if he didn’t want to talk to Kurt, or forgive him, or even see his face. Kurt slumped against the cabinets, just breathing, because that was what he could control. Almost. Eventually his tears dried up and he just felt sore and achy everywhere. Blaine needed him to be doing better, but it felt like he continued to fall short of better. This was just the latest in a long line of missteps. Here Blaine was trying to stay alive and Kurt kept dropping the ball. It made him feel sick. It made him feel tiny. When Blaine finally spoke up, Kurt pulled himself to his feet and began looking for some tea, just to keep his hands busy. “I agree,” he said carefully.

Blaine sighed again and shoved ice in his mouth before standing back up and moving back into the kitchen. He walked up behind Kurt and wrapped his arms around him and sighed as he took in his sweet scent, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped,” he took a deep breath, “last night I literally didn’t sleep but maybe 10 minutes. I sat out here on the couch eating otter pops and flipping channels. My mouth hurt so bad, and I just felt so anxious and nauseas, and on top of that feeling like I was being watched everywhere I went today then hearing that just…I love you.”

One hand stayed on the tin of chai tea, gripping it hard, because he so very desperately needed Blaine to forgive him, but at the same time, he felt very sure that he needed to suck all of this up somehow and get back to making sure that Blaine was okay. This week was taking a huge toll on him, between the lack of sleep, the upset stomach, and now the mouth sores, He didn’t need any more to deal with. Kurt was going to be a mess in group he could just tell, and actually part of him wished suddenly that he’d been much more straightforward with Sebastian because he really needed someone to talk to. “It’s okay, I’m afraid of all of this too. I want to talk to a PI. It’s not safe, you were right.”

Blaine sighed as he slumped slightly against Kurt, physical exhaustion and mental fatigue sinking in and taking its toll. He needed sleep, sanity, and Kurt. He unwrapped his arms from around his waist and sighed, “Kurt, look at me please.” He placed a hand on his shoulder and motioned for him to turn, “let me see your face.”

Kurt nodded slowly and then turned around. Kurt’s lips turned down, his face crumpling slightly as he looked into Blaine’s eyes. “I wish I could do something,” he admitted softly. “I can’t do anything.”

“You being here every night no matter how late you get in is more than enough,” Blaine sighed and pressed their foreheads together as he wrapped his arms back around him. “Your presence, your scent,” he touched his swollen mouth to Kurt’s, “even your taste, baby does more for me than anything else, but in order for you to keep being you I need you safe, and I need you to keep going to group, and surviving this crazy life with me.”

Kurt’s fingers came up to slide across Blaine’s jaw, gently. He nodded in understanding. “Okay,” he whispered. “I can do that.” He tried a little smile. “Do you have any idea how good you are for me?”

Blaine relaxed into his touch and sighed. He linked his fingers with Kurt’s and took the tin of tea from his hand, “why don’t you tell me? I have an idea but it would still be nice to hear.”

That made Kurt’s smile just a little more relaxed and genuine. Kurt let the tin of tea go and he laid his hand against the small of Blaine’s back, fingers splayed. “You,” he whispered, “make me remember that no matter what else is going on, the important things are the smallest ones. Like who is there to say goodnight to, whose hand is there to hold. You always make me want to be better and do better. You’ve taught me how to love and what that really means, but Blaine, when the whole world is coming down around my ears, you still me, inside. You make me feel safe like nothing else can. I love you so much, baby.”

“And that’s why we’re perfect together,” Blaine sighed and pulled Kurt close to him, “and I’m sorry I used the dreaded D word. I’m not giving up on us, or our future. I was frustrated and scared, and should never have said that.” He looked him in the eyes again and sighed, “I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Please don’t. Don’t ever give up, okay? You’re my future,” Kurt told him. He stepped just a tiny bit back from Blaine. Then he picked up their linked hands and pressed his lips gently to each of Blaine’s knuckles. “I’ll have to do the kissing for now, I think,” he said.

“I’m still here, not giving up, and eating ice pops,” he smiled as Kurt’s lips pressed to each of his knuckles, “promise me something.”

“Anything,” Kurt said, sincerely. He squeezed Blaine’s hand gently.

“Talk to Sebastian about all this. You’re both in that group for a reason,” Blaine said.

Kurt nodded again. “I’ll do that, I promise,” he said.

Blaine took in a deep breath and sighed, “how can you possibly still love me when I’m falling apart.”

Kurt smiled, just a little. “I could ask you the exact same question.”

Blaine smiled, “because even when you’re crazy and off on some wild moment or sobbing in a corner you are you, and I can’t see my life without those ‘Kurt’s going crazy I need a beer’ moments. They make life interesting, fun, and exciting.”

“Well, since I don’t think beer would feel very good to you right now, let’s make it a ‘I need a snow cone moment’ because watching you crush those pops up made me realize we could probably do it in the vitamix I brought over and they’d be so much smoother.”

“I didn’t think of that,” Blaine laughed, “My mouth never got this bad last time though so I figured the spoon method would work just as well.”

“Let’s give it a try!” Kurt said, he was feeling better and they sort of had a plan and on top of all of that, Blaine loved him. Just as he was.

“Sounds good,” Blaine said as he sat down at the bar and put his head down

Kurt reached under the cabinet and pulled out the blender and got it all set up. “Do you care which flavor?” he asked Blaine. Blaine looked like he needed to be in bed, maybe he could convince him of that next.

“Cherry” Blaine whispered as he closed his eyes and listened to the kitchen sounds.

Kurt pulled a couple of cherry pops out and promised himself he would look into ways to flavor the ice in very mild non artificial ways tomorrow. Blaine would run through the pops quickly enough and then maybe they could try something mild and also somehow beneficial. Or not, but he was going to google it nonetheless. “Here you are,” he said softly. “Do you want to take it to bed?”

Blaine breathed in softly and rhythmically the whirring of the blender calming his thoughts as he dozed off only to be awoken by Kurt’s voice, “sleep is good”

“Okay, let’s go,” Kurt said gently. He held onto the slush in case Blaine woke up later, it would probably stay cold a while. He tucked Blaine into bed and then quietly made his way back out to the living room where he carefully closed all the curtains. Once he was satisfied that no one could see in, he grabbed a book and climbed in the bed, even though it was still a little early. He just needed to be near Blaine, sleeping or not.

Chapter Text

First home made shaved ice recipe… banana.  I know it might not taste like much but I froze the banana first so it made a sort of creamy consistency and I added a little honey to help sweeten it, but not too much.  Honey has really good antibacterial and healing properties which I thought would help.  Then I blended it with a lot of ice.  Hopefully it will be as effective as the crushed otter pops with the added benefit of having something nutritious in it.  It’s going to be difficult finding other alternatives because it has to be something very mild.
-K

**

Blaine: Kurt and I seem to have a small problem. Turns out my famous fiance has a stalker that has also been stalking me.

Santana: Wait, excuse me?  That’s a small problem?  I’d really hate to see what you consider large.  Let me guess, this |——-| is six inches, too.  Fuck.  What are you going to do?

Blaine: I don’t know. Hire a PI for one, secondly make sure my PA isn’t coming in and out of the building alone. He’s been at this for months Kurt just told me today. Something tells me he thought they would just go away.

Santana: I’d swap number one and number two.  Go for a bodyguard instead of a P.I.  The next thing you need is to know who would be interested in stalking babyface.  Is anyone pissed off at him?  Or has someone made moves on him in recent memory? Maybe ask him and let him figure it out in case he hasn’t told you since apparently he can handle the whole world on his own.  Fucking hell.

Blaine: We have a restraining order already set for this one guy, he was trying to hit on him, and was pretty nasty.  You don’t think it could be that jackass do you?

Santana: How is this a real question?  That sounds like a perfect recipe for it to be that asshole.  Guys that don’t take no for an answer well… don’t take no for an answer.

Blaine: Yeah right now my whole brain is just garbled, and on top of that I literally look and feel like I got hit by a truck so there is not much I can do.  I told Kurt to tell Sebastian since everyone we’re associated with needs to know.  I just need to find out who the hell it is so some ass can be kicked and jail time served.

**

Kurt: If you have some time today, there’s something I sort of needed to talk about.

Sebastian: Is it how hot and amazing I am? Because that is my favorite subject.

Kurt: Sorry no, though, somehow that’s almost as scary a thought.

Sebastian: What is it then? You know now that I think about it, you can help me too.

Kurt: I have a stalker, and, now that I’m telling you, I’m not sure what I’m hoping will happen, but I promised Blaine I was going to reach out and all of that… anyway, the point is, my stalker is now stalking Blaine, and I think maybe this is so much more serious than I wanted to admit. I need advice maybe. I need help. And I’ll be happy to help you too.

Sebastian: This offends me. No one stalks Blaine but me. Why don’t set a little trap for him? Confront him. It’s what I’d do.

Kurt: Nice. But, I mean if it is a him even, who knows? How would we do that though, isn’t that sort of dangerous?

Sebastian: Who even knows. Danger’s my middle name baby. ;) Sebastian Danger Smythe. What have you got to lose?

Kurt: I guess… Is this you offering your services?

Sebastian: Does that mean I get to charge? Because I get paid in home cooked meals.

Kurt: I think we can do business, Mr. Smythe. You want to tell me about that thing I can help you with?

Sebastian: beef bourguignon. It’s my favorite and makes me cry for home like teenage girl. And yes. I’ll be your watchdog.  It’s about Santana. I want to do something really nice for her, but I can’t be obvious about it. She’s being really good about letting me stay with her and I’ve never been in a cash crunch before. My Dad closed all my accounts even though I was making my own money before I took a leave to help my brother.  Just keep your ears open for something she might need that would be a nice surprise for her? And Hummel? Don’t spread it around that I’m nice or generous? Nice guys don’t get laid.

Kurt: Beef Bourguignon, check. Consider it a done deal. As for the other, I’ll be keeping my ears open, but right off the top of my head I would say, it’s the smaller things that matter. You don’t have to go to great lengths to know that Santana could be impressed with something humble or helpful. Cook dinner, take out the trash, ask her what needs picking up at the grocery store. Little things to make her life easier. You might be surprised how much that would mean to her. I’m sure she’s really busy, there ought to be tons of things that would make her smile. Thanks for helping, I guess you’ll understand that I’m up to my ears around here.

**

Blaine: There is something you should know. I know Kurt probably already told you but he and I seem to have a stalker. He’s been following both of us and I guess took pictures of me at treatment and out with my PA. I told Santana too that way if you guys are in and out of our apartment for any reason you can watch your backs.

Sebastian: Holy shit.  I’ll watch more than your back.  I’ll look for the stalker.  That is nine kinds of creepy and that is coming from ME.  Does Santana know?  The last thing I want is more competition latching onto her.

Blaine: Santana does know. As it turns out this has been going on for months with Kurt. He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to worry me, but now that I know I’m freaked. I have a feeling of who it might be too.

Sebastian: Shit.  I can’t believe she didn’t come to me for a little mutual ass kicking.  You don’t worry about this anymore.  It’s being handled.

Blaine: well considering I just told her she probably hasn’t had a chance to pass the message. I really appreciate it I have no physical strength right now to fight off anyone that could try to hurt Kurt.

**

Jess: Hey Kurt.  Blaine’s still asleep if you were planning on coming in between shows.

Kurt: Yeah I’m still coming.  Is everything okay?  With, well you know, about the stalker?

Jess: Yes Blaine’s fine just really tired.  The doctor said this could happen though especially after a bad week like he just had.  I’m here with Nate and we’re locked in the apartment.  No one comes in unless we know them.

Kurt: Thanks.  I’ll be home in a while.

Jess: Okay :)

**

Kurt changed as quickly as he possibly could, scrubbed his face clean, and hurried home between shows.  He was going to be cutting it close, but he needed to see Blaine, check in, make him a smoothie, even just watch him breathe in his sleep for a little bit.  This had been hell week for Blaine and Kurt hated every minute they were apart.  It turned out that he was still sleeping when Kurt got home, and watching him sleep made it too tempting to wake him up.  Kurt did so gently, stroking his fingers across his cheek.  ”Hey, baby?”

Blaine stirred slightly at the touch of Kurt’s hand and his eyes fluttered slightly.  He didn’t even know what time it was.  He had been in such a daze only waking a few times to take a few bites of the banana and honey shaved ice and go to the bathroom.  ”Hey,” he whispered his voice still thick with sleep and mouth still swollen from the sores, “what time is it how were both shows?”

“Its still early, I can’t stay long I just wanted to check in before the second show.” Kurt settled in the bed and gathered Blaine’s hand in his.  ”The first one was good though.  Have you been sleeping well?”

“Yeah, for the most part,” he squeezed Kurt’s hand gently and closed his eyes again, “I’m just so tired.  This week has been awful.”  He swallowed painfully, “I’m guessing Jessica is still here?  I vaguely remember her coming in here to see if I needed anything.”

“She is,” Kurt smiled and brushed their lips together softly, “she’s been guarding the door with her life.  Nate’s with her.”

Blaine couldn’t help but let out a pained chuckle.  Jessica and Nate were his two closest friends from his time apart from Kurt, and they would do anything for him, “yeah I remember now mumbling something about how she should text Santana too and see if she could find me some kick ass lidocaine slurpee.  I’m mostly sleeping because of the pain.”  He sighed and closed his eyes again, “thanks for the banana puree though.  It’s really good.”

“You’re welcome,” Kurt said and kissed his cheek snuggling in against him as there was a knock on the door.

Santana frowned a little and shook the cup.  She probably should’ve been more annoyed when she got the text from “hey this is Jess” but she knew Blaine was suffering and even if she wanted to rag on the guy, it wasn’t like she actually wanted him to hurt.  Plus sore mouth was never any good and she’d only ever had wisdom teeth out.  She knocked on the door, knowing hey-this-is-Jess would be on the other side, but she was still shocked by the adorable girl who answered.  ”Hey, one Lidocaine Slurpee as requested.”

Jess opened the door and smiled, “so you must be Santana Lopez.  I’m Jess.  Blaine’s with Kurt in the bedroom, and I’ll be surprised if he wakes up.  He’s literally slept all day and half the night.”  She ran a hand through a lock of hair and smiled again, “thanks for bringing the meds.”

Santana smiled at the cute girl.  As in chubby-cheeked, angel-faced, want-to-steal-all-that-innocence cute.  Fuck.  She was turning into Sebastian without a dick.  ”Yes, anytime.  I have incredible access to these sorts of things so it seems like the least I can do.  You definitely called the right person.”  It was hard to walk with confidence through an apartment you’d never been inside before, but she was pretty sure she pulled it off.  ”You can keep my telephone number if you’d like,” she said over her shoulder as she reached the bedroom.  Jess snorted a laugh in the distance as she rounded the corner to the bedroom where Kurt slipped another kiss against Blaine’s cheek.

“Thanks for coming over Santana,” Kurt smiled and hugged her, “I won’t be as rushed next time.”  

“Bye love,” Blaine croaked out and smiled, “By the way I heard the exchange in the living room and she’s straight, totally-in-love-with-a-boy straight.  How’re you doing?”

Santana shrugged.  ”Who hasn’t been there before?  I mean, most of the time I think the only thing separating the general population from switching teams is a suggestion.”  She handed the drink over.  ”I brought you something special.  And before you can ask, it’s way better than special brownies, okay?  My stuff is legal.  I’m just fine.”

“Nice, a swish and spit slushee, and nothing is better than special brownies.  I actually have prescription joints.  I just can’t smoke it when my mouth is on fire, and I’m sleeping all the time.”  He leaned over and took a sip of the ice water on the nightstand and motioned for Santana to come sit on the bed, “sit woman and tell me about your day?”

Santana shot Blaine a pissy look.  ”Did you just waste a word from those poor, miserable looking guppy lips to call me ‘woman’?  I really thought you’d have even better drugged-up judgment than that.  But my day was okay.  How about yours with all the sleeping?

“Sorry,” Blaine smiled as much as possible, “and guppy lips really?  I’m not Sam.  Sleeping on the other hand was sleeping which I haven’t gotten very much of in the last week so needless to say my body is screaming catch up.  How’s it going living with Sebastian?”

Santana’s look changed from pissy to something else entirely.  ”He’s…it’s….”  she pursed her lips.  ”I’m not sure yet.  He goes through my things and makes completely inappropriate, innuendo-laced comments without invitation.” She shrugged.  “It’s like cheerleading for the football team all over again.  I know someone’s eyes are always on my ass and it won’t do me any good to complain about it because I generally don’t care.  I’m sort of surprised you guys aren’t the Bobbsey Twins Deluxe Set with the happy Hudsons.  What happened there?”

Blaine laughed.  “You have such a gay boyfriend crush.”  His face fell and he sighed a bit.  “We were for awhile until Rachel walked in on Finn and I as high as a kite.  She accused me of being a druggie even though I clearly showed her the prescription bottle from the drug trial.  She’s going through a lot of shit though, and quite honestly I think it’s better she deals with her marriage and their issues before coming back into this.”

“There’s a lot to process there.  Finn… that would’ve been hilarious if he’s still at all the same and I’m sure she lost her shit.  So they’re having problems.  Who would’ve thought getting married at eighteen would be so tough.” She rolled her eyes.  ”Probably better if you guys split focus.  I was pretty sure I saw them at some random place a couple of times but I sure as hell wasn’t going to drop what I was doing to say hello.  Staying incognito has been good for me.  Well, until I blew my cover.”

“You know you blew it on purpose.  You missed my eyebrows,” Blaine chuckled, “well or in today’s case, a lack thereof.”  He closed his eyes and shifted uncomfortably before hearing the buzzer on the door, and decided to get up and stretch out.  ‘You should stay and eat.  I’m sure there will be some kind of take out or something will be ordered.”

Santana smiled, “sounds good.”  She headed out of the bedroom and into the living room to give him a moment.  She noticed Jess checking through the peephole, and couldn’t help but let her eyes wander over her ass as she opened the door.

“If I didn’t know who you were you wouldn’t be getting admittance.  Why are you ringing the doorbell,” Jess snapped as she ushered Sebastian into the apartment.

“I see…” He smirked as he walked on in.  “I heard you have my hetero exception hiding here.  She can’t hide from me forever.”  

Blaine laughed as he stepped out of the bedroom and noticed Sebastian there with Jess bickering about the door buzzer.  He couldn’t believe that he was standing there, “What’s going on?  Come for Kurt or to track down Santana?”  He slid onto the couch and reached for a the cup of ice that Jessica was holding out to him, “as you can see she’s here, but Kurt’s at work.”

“He works?” Sebastian smirked before smiling, almost sadly at Blaine and giving him a quick hug and sitting down on the opposite end of the couch.  “I thought he just rode a unicorn all day long and painted rainbows everywhere while dressing up gay men everywhere in fashion forward clothing.  Like a fairy Godmother or something. You know I’m just kidding, right?  I don’t really think Kurt paints rainbows.  How are you feeling?  Is this a bad time?”

Blaine smiled and looked at Sebastian.  He noticed the sad smile and sighed though he quickly smirked slightly, “and I see you still can’t say anything with a straight face.”  He took a bite of the shaved ice and winced slightly from the cold, “I know you’re kidding, and no it’s not a bad time.  I’m just sorry I’m not better company.”

“What?  You’re fantastic company.  I put you even with Santana, but you’re more fun, because when you compliment me, you don’t also add in extra sentences that places you two steps of hotness above everyone else.” He shook his head.  “I swear we are still competing for dominance sometimes.  Even though I am clearly the top in our non-gay friendship.”  His eyebrows drew closer together thinking over what he’d just said.  

Blaine chuckled and looked over at Santana who was busily chatting Jessica up with little success, “she definitely has a way of doing that.”  He looked down at his watch and sighed, “How’s your brother?”

“He’s…tired.”  Sebastian ran a  hand through his hair.  ”I had to leave early.  I worry… about him.”

“Yeah, I bet he is.  How old is he?” Blaine took another bite of the ice chips and sighed as he swallowed.

“He’s twenty.” Sebastian swallowed hard.  “I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him while I was living with my dad, but… he and I got close while we were both living with my mother in Paris.”  He paused a moment, “he wants to go to NYU...I hope he makes it… to college… shit…” he shook his head fast. “Sorry.  That sounded bad.”  

“Actually I get it,” Blaine moved closer to Sebastian and put a hand on his shoulder, “He’s made it this far though, and you can’t give up on him.  Especially if you are helping him.”

“Yeah…you’re right.  You are so focused and positive.  I admire that.”  He smiled.  

After the second show, Kurt took a little more care getting his face clean and moisturized, and then he changed to head home.  He watched over his shoulder, but he never saw anyone or anything out of place.  He took a cab home, glad to be done with what felt like a ridiculously long day.  At the apartment he unlocked the door and stepped in, flashing everyone a surprised but happy grin as he stepped in.  “Hey,” he said, locking the door behind him.

“Hey,” Blaine whispered as he looked up and saw Kurt and motioned for him to come sit down, “how was the show?”

Sebastian saluted Kurt with two fingers coming off the side of his forehead and smirked.  ”Did you put the unicorn in the stable?”  

Blaine side eyed Sebastian, “asshole.”

Kurt went and hugged the girls, and swooped in to kiss Blaine’s cheek briefly.  He answered Blaine first.  “It was good, I think everyone nailed the new routine, especially in the second show.  I guess all the extra rehearsals really paid off,” Kurt sighed.  That didn’t mean he’d want to repeat the week any time soon.  Then he shot Sebastian a grin.  “I did, can you be sure to give it a thorough brushing tonight on your stable rounds?”

Sebastian smirked.  ”Stable boy huh?  That sounds like the start of a bad porno.”   

“Which is why it makes so much sense to me,” Kurt agreed.  He patted Blaine’s leg absently and and sat down next to him.

Blaine smiled and yawned as he wrapped his hand around Kurt’s.  He felt so warm and safe with him, and their friends.  The last few days had really been a lot emotionally and now that his body was in recovery from chemo mode he could feel himself dozing off again.  As Kurt ran a hand through his hair he slipped further into sleep.

Sebastian watched the two of them in awe for a moment, “Wow… he sleeps anywhere?”  

“Just this week,” Kurt said, his voice softening.  ”He had chemo every day this week.”

He nodded once.  ”How do you do it?  Sometimes I have to leave the room because it’s hard to look at my brother,” Sebastian said sadly, “He’s just so young and it’s so hard.”

He couldn’t shrug really, but he tried it with one shoulder.  “I completely lose my shit on a regular basis,” Kurt smiled sadly.  “Then I just get back to our regular routine.  Blaine’s the one that asked me to find a support group. He handles it a lot better than I do.”

Sebastian smiled, “Well.  I never thought I’d say this.  But I admire you both so much just watching you both today.  It must be..crazy at times.”  

Kurt swallowed, both pleased to hear such a compliment from Sebastian and nervous because it was time now to admit the truth.  “Did he tell you anything about our relationship?” Kurt asked, carefully.

“No” Sebastian shook his head.  ”You love each other.  That’s enough right?”  

“Yeah, of course.  But I’ve sort of just let you think it was always like that, when the truth is we were apart two years.  We didn’t even talk.  We met back up at a reunion in Lima when he also told me about the cancer.” Kurt took a deep breath.  ”That was only about six weeks ago.”

Sebastian’s mouth fell open.  ”Oh… shit.”

Kurt just nodded.  A small half frown tugging the corner of his mouth.

Recovering quickly, he looked away, processing everything and then looked back.  “So I missed my chance with both of you.  Well that sucks..” He laughed.  “Kidding.  I’m still a manchild who can’t commit.”

A little chuckle bubbled out of Kurt.  ”You know, when the world always seems to be in a state of upheaval, it’s sort of good to know that I can still count on some things to stay the same.”  Kurt smiled and sighed as the conversation continued.  It felt good to just relax in the comfort of their home with the people around them that they loved.

**

Kurt: Hey, I caught a minute and thought I’d check in on Blaine.  How’s he doing?

Jess: He’s asleep again.  Just got up and rinsed his mouth with his mouthwash about twenty minutes ago and drank some water.  I think he’s doing pretty well all things considered.

Kurt: I’m so grateful he has you and Nate there looking after him.  I hope you know how much it means to me that you guys have taken me in.  When I say I’m grateful to you for looking after Blaine I don’t mean that you wouldn’t have anyway I mean that you’re both amazing and Blaine has the best taste in friends, seriously.

Jess: Kurt, we love you.  Looking out for you two is something both of us want to do, we’re glad to do it.  You just get out there and get your work done, okay?  Don’t worry so much about Blaine, we’ll all still be right here when you get home.

Kurt: Thanks Jess, see you in a couple of hours.


**

Kurt hurried home from the theater, glad to finally be getting some down time.  When he stepped in, Nate and Jess were there and he said his hellos, and headed into the kitchen.  ”Have you guys had any dinner yet?  I know it’s a little early, but I’m starving.”

“We were actually just talking about that,” Jess smiled, “Blaine hasn’t moved at all so we were thinking we’d order in.”

“Not a chance,” Kurt said.  ”We’ve all been living off of delivery all week.  I’m cooking dinner tonight and I’m not taking no for an answer.  You’ve both earned a good home cooked meal.” Kurt began pulling things out of the cabinets, tossing a grin over his shoulder at both of them.

Nate looked at Jess and shrugged.  “Okay I won’t argue with that.”

Kurt laughed.  ”Good,” he said.  He washed his hands and got the water boiling for the brown rice.  Then he set about chopping the vegetables for ratatouille.  It was fairly simple and people usually enjoyed it.  ”How was the rest of the day?” he asked.

“No different than yesterday,” Nate said chewing his lip and taking a deep breath in, “in fact I think he’s slept more today than yesterday if that’s even possible.”  He stood up and went to get a bottle of water, “how’re you holding up?”

“No different than yesterday,” he said softly.  He looked up at Nate from his chopping and smiled sadly.  ”Or the day before that, or the day before that.”  Then he chopped a little more forcefully.  ”I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from.  I’m alright, you know, it’s hard.”

“Kurt,” Nate spoke softly.  “It’s okay to not like me, but you need to know that Blaine is fighting for you.  Personally I doubt he would be so optimistic if you weren’t around.”

Kurt set his knife down and turned around, leaning back against the counter.  ”I didn’t mean that, I didn’t even think you would take it that way.  I meant… I’m just as scared and bitter as I was yesterday and the day before, and I know I’m not supposed to give in and just say it.  I’m supposed to say, Oh, I’m hanging in there.  But I you asked, and I know you get it too, so it just slipped out.  I know he’s fighting for me, though.  Blaine’s courage is the only thing keeping me going at this point.”  Kurt crossed his arms over his chest.  ”It means a lot to me that you’ve been here, and I should have said that sooner.” he said softly.

“I get it”, Nate looked at Kurt and sighed, “and he has more courage than anyone else I’ve ever met, that’s probably why I wanted to desperately for a relationship with him to work out.”  Nate turned and took a sip of water, “but I always knew I would never live up to you in his eyes and now I know why.  You two make love look easy, and frankly as much as I still love my ex, he doesn’t complete me like you complete Blaine.  Don’t thank me, I’m just doing what friends should do,” Nate smiled and looked back at Kurt, ratatouille or beef bourguignonne?”

Kurt squeezed his arms around himself a little tighter.  It set off a tight little twang inside him when Nate spoke about a relationship with Blaine, but the fact of the matter was that he’d never once tried anything since the day Kurt arrived back in Blaine’s life.  He’d just been an amazing friend and steady support system.  There was no one like that in Kurt’s life.  Blaine was amazing and inspired love and loyalty and Kurt could accept that.  He’d been slowly accepting Nate into his own life and hadn’t even realized it.  He was a good man and a good friend and really that was all that mattered.  In fact both of them needed as many good people around them right now as possible.

”Probably both,” he admitted.  “I have to use these vegetables I had in the fridge before they go bad, and I may or may not have recently promised a delicious beef bourguignonne to Sebastian.  So I picked some things up on my way home for that.  It’s been a while and I may need some practice.  Which,” he said, picking the knife back up, “is between you and me.”  Kurt playfully waggled the knife in Nate’s direction before turning back to his vegetables.

“Deal,” Nate laughed and smiled at Kurt, “Do you need any help?”

“Could you find the dutch oven for me, I need to get the bacon going,” Kurt smiled back at him and scooped the veggies for the ratatouille over into a mixing bowl.  The he reached for the plastic wrap and covered them and placed them back into the fridge and pulled out the bacon.  They were going to have to send food home with people, but Kurt didn’t care.  He wasn’t about to embarrass himself in front of Sebastian by not having the perfect meal.

“Sure,” Nate smiled and turned around to go through the cabinets.

“I guess I missed the party again,” Blaine said as he walked into the kitchen and went searching for water and ice chips, “did I sleep straight through from last night until now?”

Kurt turned around and hugged Blaine, gently.  ”Pretty much,” Kurt said.  ”But this party’s just getting going, so you haven’t missed much.  How do you feel?”

“Honestly, still like crap,” Blaine said as he wrapped an arm around Kurt and sighed, “I’m really cold too.  Probably from all the ice I’ve been eating.  How late did you and Sebastian stay up talking?”

“Pretty late,” Kurt admitted.  ”It’s still a little surreal thinking of him as a friend.” Kurt shot Nate a grin.  ”But I guess there’s a lot of that going around lately.

Nate smiled back at Kurt.  “There really is.”  

Blaine caught a moment of the glance between them and smiled before brushing his lips against Kurt’s neck, “So I need opinions.  How do my lips look today since Santana brought me that stuff last night to swish around?”

Kurt stepped back to get a better look.  ”A little better,” Kurt nodded.  ”Still red, but not as swollen.”

“They feel a little better, but it’s hard to tell,” he shrugged and yawned, “what are you cooking?”

“The whole kitchen?” Kurt smiled crookedly and started working on chopping the bacon.  He asked Nate to pull out the beef chuck, and then he turned back to Blaine.  ”Ratatouille and beef bourguignon actually.  Can I make you anything?” he offered.

Blaine chuckled lightly, “Actually I think I’m going to make me a chocolate protein shake and then lay back down on the couch, and try and watch the game before sleeping some more.  I’m just so worn out.  I hope I’m not getting sick on top of this.”

“Okay,” Kurt said.  Then he added, “I hope you’re not either.” His eyebrows drew together but he focused on cooking the bacon pieces.

“Doubtful,” Blaine said as he poured some milk in a shaker with some protein powder, “I think it’s mainly the meds for my mouth causing all the tired. That and recovery time.”  He shook the drink quickly before taking a sip and heading to the couch and switching on the TV.

“Yeah,” Kurt said.  Hopefully that was all.  He let Blaine go without saying anything else though.  Kurt moved on to cutting the beef while setting Nate to chopping more veggies.  ”It really was my plan to do this for you and not make you work,” he told Nate.

“Well I offered, and this is a lot to chop up,” Nate said looking into the living room where Jess was busy tapping away on her tablet at passing notes between herself and Blaine, “besides it’s really the least  I can do besides dishes later.”  He moved the carrots from the cutting board to a bowl before cutting into a fresh washed onion, “so have you gotten anything done for the wedding?”

“Well I really appreciate the help,” he smiled and began browning the meat.  ”Not a thing,” Kurt sighed.  ”There isn’t any time right now.  Besides, Blaine feels terrible.  I can’t imagine trying to move forward with any plans right now.  It’s just going to have to wait a few more months.

Nate sighed and continued to chop through the onion, “well I’m sure once it happens it will be an amazing day for both of you, and if you need any help feel free to ask.”  He dumped the rest of the chopped onion in a bowl with the carrot and smiled, “anything else?”

“I will, thanks.”  Kurt worked on stirring in the onion and carrot.  ”I think I have this for now.  I just have to put on the other veggies and then everything has to sort of cook down for a while.”

“Sounds good, I’m going to go catch the game,” Nate smiled and grabbed another container of banana shave ice from the freezer, “I’m also going to make sure he eats some of this in place of the otter pops he snuck out of here too.”  Nate winked and headed out to the couch.

Kurt just laughed at Nate and then worked quietly for the next few minutes, getting everything set to simmer.  Once it was all done and his rice was cooking, Kurt grabbed a snapple from the fridge and sat down with the others in front of the game.

Blaine pulled the blanket he was wrapped in around Kurt and leaned in and whispered against his ear, “thanks.”

Kurt kissed his cheek lightly.  ”You don’t have to thank me.  I didn’t do anything different today.  I always look this good,” Kurt teased in his ear.

“Ass,” Blaine teased back, “but really thank you for cooking and getting out and everything.  I like to know you aren’t losing yourself because of me.”

Kurt grinned at Blaine and then leaned back into him.  ”I think this whole, talking to others thing must be working,” Kurt admitted.  

“Good because all of these people are family,” Blaine smiled and kissed him gently, “love you.”

Kurt glanced over at Jessica, and then at Nate.  Blaine was right.  Somewhere along the way, Kurt had just accepted that.  These people were family.  It made him smile.  ”Love you,” Kurt said.