Love finds a way no matter who walks away or how bad it may seem. The only reliable piece of life is love. These are the words that I have survived upon these past two years. I can only remember how I was the one who screwed everything up between Die and me. One beer too much in the presence of an old lover, a few touches turning into a night that ruined my life.
It was my fault. I admit that without hesitation - I have admitted it since day one. I cheated on him and when I admitted it, he walked out of my life. I still remember like a vivid bad dream how he stared at me for all of five seconds before turning away and walking out my door. He didn't slam it; he didn't scream and yell at me. He just walked away. That hurt more than anything else he could have done to me... and I think he knew that.
What I didn't realize until months later was that he was hurting worse than me. He had based his life around the two of us, always devoted to me no matter what he could have had on tour with the fans, no matter what else could have gone on. He was always devoted to me one hundred percent; more if that was even possible. And then I went and thought with my dick instead of my brain.
The sex wasn't worth it. As much as I had lusted after Ruki for all those years, it just wasn't worth giving up Die for one stupid night. Not to say it wasn't amazing... it just wasn't worth the consequences I paid. I think Ruki knew that, too. He's distanced himself from me, sworn to never touch me again unless he has to because he feels like an ass for doing what he did. He knew... knew I was with Die. I guess alcohol just makes you think things are a better idea than they really are.
It's been two years, but I still haven't moved on with my life. I picked up the pieces and finally got my act back together, managing to pull music back out again. But everything I play has a sad sound to it now. There's a part of me eternally broken for what I did and I only have myself to blame for it. It hurts to know I was so stupid as to give up the perfect man for selfish carnal desires.
Snow drifts down outside the windows, coating everything in fine white. I sit in my apartment, watching it as I smoke my last cigarette of the day. It reminds me of the last time I sat here staring out the window... the last time I could stand to even look at the snow as it layered the ground outside. My hand picks up my phone and I flip it open, scrolling through the saved messages to the oldest one on my phone.
'Rei, keep warm. Please understand. I'm just not ready to do this. Another time, another day. I haven't forgiven you yet. When I do, I'll be at your door - not staring up from below. I... I still love you. ~Die'
I read it twice before snapping the phone shut and setting it aside, my eyes going to the street corner I saw him standing on that night. No one's there and I find that somehow, that breaks my heart a little more than it already was. It's silly to expect him to even remember me anymore. Two years have passed and I haven't heard so much as a word from him. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for my sins... but that's okay, because I don't forgive myself for them, either.
The cigarette burns out and I toss the butt in the tray, getting up and stretching, my eyes flicking to the window one last time. A lone figure stands on the corner, snowflakes drifting down around him. His hair isn't red, but it doesn't have to be for me to know who it is. Slowly, I press my hand to my window and grit my teeth to stop myself from crying. I have no right to cry over what I not only lost, but pushed away. My eyes drift closed and I take a deep shuddering breath.
My phone vibrates on the table and I look down at it before picking it up and flipping it open. There's a new message on the screen.
'Rei... I miss you. I think I might be ready again. If you've moved on, I'll walk away without a fuss. Just... I need to know... do you miss me, too? ~Die'
I don't even think about what I'm doing before I'm sitting on the floor, having fallen into a heap as I mash the buttons to respond to him. He has to know... needs to know.
'I miss you so much. I miss you every single day. I'll never move on, Die. I love you too much. I fucked up and I understand that. But my heart is always yours.'
When I manage to claw my way to the window again, he's gone. The street is empty and the snow is laying thicker than before, covering up everything. My life is empty.
There's a knock on my door and somehow I manage to get up and find my way to it, opening it. Die stands on the other side; snow in his brown hair, eyes sadder than I remember ever having seen them before. I open my mouth to speak, but he steps inside and pushes the door shut behind him, his hand coming up to caress my cheek. When his lips press to mine, my blood runs hot for the first time in two long years.
There are tears in his eyes when he speaks to me, his arms wrapped tightly around me. "I forgive you."
Time stands still, and in that moment... nothing else matters.