Work Header

Afterschool Special

Work Text:

Afterschool Special

"Shut up. Shut up," Rodney says, and dives for the remote.

House holds it above his head, trying to keep his eyes on the TV, wrestling one-armed, definitely not chuffing out snorts of laughter as Rodney falls practically on top of him, still scrabbling for the remote. "What's the magic word?"

"Amok Time," Rodney spits, and makes another heaving grab that ends with his knee way too close for comfort to House's balls, but as for the rest of him, he's draped over House's chest, and his scowl is only a breath away from House's smirk, so House hands over the remote. "Is starting."

"You only missed the stupid opening speech--"

"It is not stupid. It's inspiring." Rodney's voice soars and almost cracks. "It's the basis for every space program--"

"If NASA's found 'new life and new civilizations' it's news to me."

"That is so not the point," Rodney says.

"The point is you like watching Kirk's shirt get ripped off." House sniffs disdainfully and wriggles under Rodney. For a skinny guy he weighs entirely too much, not that House plans to tell him to move. If Rodney can't figure out for himself when he's crushing someone, then it's not House's job to teach him non-annoying human social interaction. His hand is no way in hell sort of resting on the back of Rodney's neck. "Do you really like this crap?" Star Wars at least has Leia, and Next Gen has Troi. Tall and dark-haired and stacked--it's not House's fault if he has a type. The original series is all about fooling robots by telling them up is down, and even House (who hates robots, unless they're doing something legitimately cool like finding cancer in people) thinks they've got to be smarter than that.

"Shut up," Rodney says again, but he's not really trying now. House glances at the screen and wrinkles his nose when Nurse Chapel tries to bring Spock plomeek soup. If anyone every tried to take care of him like that, he'd throw the soup at the wall too. It's got to be the most irritating thing on the planet, to have girls getting all doe-eyed over you just because they think you can't take care of yourself.

The episode's not that bad, for all House is tempted to poke Rodney in the ribs during the serious parts, like when Kirk's trying to return T'Pau's salute. House peers closer, trying see the invisible wire that's holding their fingers in place. The fight's at least distracting, in a laughable kind of way. House plays along with the music, his fingers tapping down Rodney's cervical vertebrae. Rodney squirms and swats at him, hissing another round of shut ups; House snickers. "The ahn woon!" he intones along with T'Pau.

They're both quiet when Kirk finally collapses in the sand. When Spock tells T'Pau, "I shall do neither. I have killed my captain and my friend," Rodney's mouth is tight like he's holding back a sniffle. If House's chest is tight, it's because he's had a great lump squashing him for nearly an hour.

House rolls his eyes when Bones finally tells the truth and Spock breaks out in a huge stupid grin at seeing Kirk alive. He shifts his weight and tries to look past Rodney's rapt expression. "God, they're idiots. Why don't they just do it already?"

Rodney looks almost wistful. "Kirk's never going to go for him."

"Are you kidding? He practically just married him in an alien sex ritual."

"Yeah, but Kirk doesn't really get it."

"Duh, only because Spock won't tell him."

"Did you even see the ending? He was happy."

House shrugs, as well as he can--he's going to have pins and needles if his hundred and fifty pound heated blanket ever catches a clue. "Won't last."

Rodney lifts his head and stares down at him. His eyes are really blue from this close, and his hair falls over his forehead in a way that makes House want to shove him away and yank him closer at the same time. He's not interested in Rodney's half-hurt, half-guilty expression, or in cuddling with him, jeez. House pushes him away at sits up, finally. "God, you really want Kirk. That's pretty pathetic, McKay."

Rodney scrambles to his end of the couch and glares at him. "Oh, and what, like you don't want Spock?"

House curls his lip. If Rodney weren't so blind he'd see that McCoy and Spock are the ones who are really into each other. But the world wants Kirks to end up with Spocks, unless everybody ends up with nobody at all, which is more likely anyway. "It's just a stupid TV show."

Rodney presses his lips together and crosses his arms. "Fine."

"Fine," House mocks him. He prods Rodney's thigh with his toe. In a second he'll launch himself at Rodney to wrestle him for the remote again--General Hospital's almost on.

Rodney flicks a look at him out of the corner of his eyes. There's something like a smirk hiding at the corner of his mouth. "I could get a Kirk," he lies, lofty as a king.

House, suddenly, is grinning for no reason at all. "In a pig's eye."