People always prized your patience, there was no soul in the galaxy who could beat you on it. They say a patient love is a long-lasting one, that you’ll find a good man, because you were so patient, that you’d not settle down to anyone. No, your husband will be an important and strong man. He’ll change the course of this galaxy.
They couldn’t be more right. He indeed was an important and strong man, even if the day you met him his appearance deceived the rest of you.
When Ben Solo met you, you were a mere teenagers. He had just joined his uncle in training as a Jedi. Despite your young age, his potential was obvious before your eyes. The moment you grazed at him, you could feel his big heart beating inside his chest, he was quite passionate and brave. Already taller than you, he always stood tall proudly, followed his Master's instructions without question and a stern expression on his face.
He was the cutes boy you’d ever laid eyes on. The sentiment, lucky for you, was reciprocated.
Ben had been paying his respects an loyalty along his Jedi trainees partners and Master. How he noticed you had always been a mystery for you. No wealth, no royalty, no noble blood, nothing, you had absolutely nothing someone’d pay you a second glance for. But Ben did. And as he walked around the castle one sleepless night, he called for you.
He introduced himself and asked for your name. And so your story began.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
This is not for you
You don't belong here
Caught in my soul
You caught inside my shadow
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
He came back to visit every time he could. At the beginning, it was every six months, but as he work hard and gained position, the gap time reduce to at least, once every month, twice if you were lucky.
You spoke about everything, he loved to hear about your family and friends in the village. Being the oldest of three siblings, you had plenty of stories to satisfy his need. And as a humble cooker on the royal castle, your acquaintances inside the staff kept you busy between Ben’s visits.
The young padawan opened up to you completely, he often spoke of his family. His absent father was the main cause of his melancholy. He loved his mother the most and trusted her judgement on sending him far with his uncle. He told you how afraid he was, once a dark voice appeared inside his dreams. Faceless voice calling him to the dark side but he bravely and stubbornly refused.
The first time he kissed you, it was nearly sunrise. You’ve been up all nigh and without any doubt you were sure you’ll be falling asleep while preparing breakfast for the princess. But you didn’t care. Ben’s lips were worth it. You felt his love and passion in every inch. The way his hands grabbed your face to bring you closer, the desperation you tried to transmit him, the ticklish creases his locks left on your cheeks, it was the most perfect moment. Wouldn’t change it for the world.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Buried, I kept you
Helpless, I'm reaching out
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
One time he asked you to join him on a little get away, a date if you must. That was the first time you were ever outside your planet, and as you ascended, realization on how tiny and insignificant everything looked from above hit you. The shine in your eyes, the excitement caring your voice, the laughs escaping your lips, all of that lighted Ben’s heart and with each of them, he fell deeper in love with you.
Reaching destination you spent the whole day holding Ben’s hand every time you could. The fields were covered in roses, the colors painting the view were outstanding. The way Ben regarded you made your chest sink, he was truly a passionate man, wore his heart on his sleeve, and he did it just for you. And so you did the same.
The night that followed, you gave him all you had. Body and soul now you belonged to him, and he belonged only to you. Dancing kisses leaving marks on your neck, tights and every piece of your skin Ben’s lips could reach. He demonstrated his worship for you with every hips movement. You hold him tight to you, never wanting this feeling to be over, forever diving in it. You wished to stop the time and leave just you and your lover. No one else matter in the galaxy.
"Nothing could every brake us apart, no one will ever hurt you." He bowed as you laid your head over his chest, heartbeats lulling you to sleep.
“I’ll be with you, as long as you want me to.”
“Then we’ll be together forever” He kissed you once more, his need of you never filled. You wondered if anyone else could feel this close to another soul, if it was possible for anyone to love someone as you loved Ben Solo. But most importantly, you prayed and thank the stars it was you the one allowed to do so.
And for this tiny glimpse of moment, everything was perfect.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Waiting for me
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
The news had become a heavy burden over Ben’s shoulders. He’d always been curious about his mother’s parents, but she never gave out any detail. Ben never pressed the matter and let the issue slide.
It was very unfortunate the way he had come to know his grandfather’s true fate, his achievements, his acts and the marks he had left scattered on the whole galaxy. One man had come to all that doing, and as much as it frightened Ben, a small part of him admired him.
Ignoring Luke and his mother, he parted to visit you. The only place he could voice out his true feelings were between your arms and he longed for them more than ever now.
When you saw his features, the delicacy of the situation was clear for you. So you let him speak until he was satisfied, listened patiently as always, holding him against your chest tightly. His voice never raised above the normal tone. Never once he had shout out at you, it was clear how emotional he could be, but Ben had special care to never let his emotions get the best of him when it came to you.
“What are you going to do?” you asked once he had calmed down a little. Ben kept stroking your side as you ran your fingers through his hair, a privilege reserved only to you.
“I don’t know” Ben honestly answered. Minutes passed in silences and when you noticed his hand had traveled from your side to your stomach you placed your eyes on the celling.
“I need to tell you something.”
“You are pregnant right?” His eyes raised up to see you and the sudden declaration surprised you. How could he had know? You just found out three days ago.
“I can feel the life force inside you” He admitted and returned his graze to your lower middle section. He kissed our belly button sweetly. “I’ve know for a month now. I just didn’t want to scare you if I told you myself.”
Heavy breaths left your lips, a weight had been lifted from your back. You were really scared he’d run from you. His love was never in question, but his position and his Master’s rules were the thing that scared you to death. What will you do if he decided not to be part of this? But the fear abandoned you as he regarded you with total adoration.
“A Jedi can’t have a relationship, I know that” Swallowing the knot formed inside your throat. “They won’t approve this Ben.”
“We’ll manage” His confidence was endless. “I’ll talk to my uncle, we’ll figure it out” Ben kissed your lips sealing the unspoken agreement. “It’ll be fine” You hoped he was right.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Shadow and soul
My untold still waits
Find me in the dark
I'll meet you below
Shadow and soul
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
The voices in Ben’s head became worse and worse each day. ‘It won’t work’ they said, ‘He’ll vanish you’, ‘They will kill her, and your child’ they promised.
Still, Ben refused to listen. He was ready to overlook the nerve his family had for hiding his past from him. Darkness or not, he had the right to know. None of that matter, as he walked along you, hand in hand trough the Jedi temple. If it needed to be done, he’d resign to leave with you. It mattered little to him what they’d think, the only opinion counting was yours.
But Luke took the news poorly, and the quiet conversation they've been having became a shouting contest. You tried to calm Ben down, the matter was slipping out of your hands and you fear the worse.
“You can’t be serious Ben. A Jedi must never…”
“I know that uncle. We didn’t plan for this, it just happened”
“Jus happened?” Luke scoffed at you. “This kind of thing doesn't just ‘happen’ Ben. This is what drove my father insane”
“Don’t mention him. I’m angry enough you never told me about him” Ben pointed a finger to his master. His voice was getting higher and higher. You’ve never seen him like this, so careless.
“There was a reason for that. And look at you now, following the same steps, this is what we were hoping to avoid.” The oldest Jedi was no longer looking at his nephew but at you now. The yells attracted the rest of the habitants.
“It’s not the same.”
“You are so naive Ben, anyone could use her against you. A million things could go wrong. You need to leave this place immediately” Luke reached to grab your arm and drag you himself to the nearest ship and send you far away, but Ben wasn’t going to let that happen and held your other arm to bring you behind him while his other hand reached for his lightsaber.
“Master watch out” One of the trainees shouted before he threw himself to the scene and using his still careless force powers he tossed you against a wall. Hitting your head you lost consciousness the moment you hit the ground. Ben was beside you in an instant and everyone froze on their stands. “I- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to” the young man began but it was too late.
To see you on such state, Ben allowed the voice access to his mind. ‘I told you so’ they yelled. ‘They want to kill her, kill your child, kill you’. Ben closed his fist tightly and rage grew inside his heart. ‘Let it all out Ben, come to me’ they offered. ‘Come to me and I can promise you, they’ll be forever be safe’, and that was all he needed to hear.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
My darkest love
You live in secret
My heart unknown
It calls, it cries to reach you
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Your head hurt like hell. Millions of drills inside your brain awoke you from slumber. Slowly, the events leading to this came back in a flash. Noticing now your surroundings, you were lying on a bed, and it looked as if the room belonged to a small cottage. The dim light coming trough the window indicated you it was late in the afternoon.
Carefully, you sit down on the edge of the bed and placed your feet on the floor. Now able to see beyond the curtains you recognized your surroundings. You’ve been in this planet before, the very same Ben had take you on your first official date. It was still as beautiful as you remembered.
“You are awake” The door behind you opened to reveal Ben, relieved to see you now better. Quickly, he rushed to your side and hugged you tightly into his arms. He allowed his frustration show in tears. His hug reciprocated by yours.
“What happened Ben? I remember you fighting with your uncle and then, nothing” He let go of you only to cup your face with his hands and lock his eyes on yours.
“You were injured. They’d never let us leave in pace, so I took you and ran away” His lips found yours now, desperate to feel you close. You kissed him back as hard as you could. You were on your own now.
“They’ll find us” Worry never leaving you.
“No, I took care of everything. You’ll be safe here, both of you” Ben affirmed you placing his hand on your stomach. Your eyes never leaving his features.
“What you mean?” Instead of easing your worries, it only managed to increased them.
“They’ll never hurt you, I promise” Ben finally declared and you let the bad feeling slide. You needed to focus now in the life within you and the man beside you held your trust in his hand.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
I hid you right beneath
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Ben told you it was his duty to create a safe environment for his family. He said a new master had come out of the shadows and that now, he’ll be powerful enough to protect you for sure.
Once again, you found yourself waiting for him like many times before. The changes in your lover was notorious, each visit told you just how bad his training was. He had never looked so broken before. Still, in front of you he was the same loving and caring man you’ve met years ago. He touched you with the same love and devotion he’d always done, his kisses still left you breathless and his passion only making you wish for more.
As an habit, Ben told you about his missions, as far as he could. You saw the worry, the responsibility, the fight he carried inside him. You tried to ease his burden, but he assured you every time he was more than happy to do it for you and your child.
In the middle of the night, as you were about to fall in Morpheus arms, he whispered. “Anakin”, one second later, and you’d have missed the action.
“What’s that?” A sleepy voice was all you managed to give him.
“Our son, let’s name him Anakin.”
“And what if it’s a girl and not a boy?” Curiously you asked, now more awake. You grazed up at him and Ben just smiled at you.
“Then you get to pick the name” You laughed at his clever answer. Bastard, he always found the way to make you agree with him. And that’s one of the reasons why you loved him. Giving him a quick peck on the lips you returned to your previous locus and fell asleep.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Dying darkly (suffer)
Arise, my only
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
The message you’ve sent Ben had reached him hours later. His training was hard and he rarely had any free time, which he only dedicated to you of course. As soon as he heard the news, Ben took a ship and flew as fast as the machine allowed him to.
It began in the middle of the day, a dull pain at the bottom of your now round stomach. It was so sudden you had to stop dead in track on your task. You’ve felt something around the same kind before, the medic of the village you lived in informed you it was your body getting ready to give birth and you should not worry as there was still time left to go on.
Following the instructions, you continued your routine, the pain quickly forgotten, until twenty minutes later, when the very same pain returned to you. Strange, you could almost swear this one felt even more intense. Then another twenty minutes and it returned. By the third time, the gap between the contractions, now you understood what they were, shortened to ten, and in no time, it was five.
Your neighbor, an old lady came to your aid. She stayed with you until the medic reached your little house to provide professional care. It seemed like hours before a cry filled the house. Sweaty an tired you raised your head to look at the new inquiline.
Damn Ben and his lucky guess. Your son was the most beautiful creature you had laid eyes upon. He was crying his longs out, strong hold of his hand was around your finger the moment he was placed in your arms. You cried in happiness, this was the result of your love and you couldn’t be more proud.
It was certainly too soon to say, but he had his father eyes, your nose of course, and by his powerful cries, he had Ben’s strong voice. No one could have prepared you for the emotions you experimented this moment. Once again, you found yourself in a perfect place. Who cared it hurt like hell? If your strength and body were ruined now? Anakin was the only one that matter from now on, and you vowed, as Ben did, to protect him with your life.
Hours later, Ben found himself entering your bedroom, the view before him took his breath away. You were rocking your son to sleep, singing a lullaby form your childhood, the small lump in your arms completely hypnotized by you. Ben’s heart fought to exit his chest, the love and fear were equally within him.
When you noticed his presence you walked slowly toward him. “Ben, meet your son. Anakin, this is your father” you presented your newborn baby. Ben felt inside a dream, you placed the small human being in his arms and delicately he held him. So small and fragile, he looked even smaller in his big arms.
“Hey little man. I’m your dad” He whispered and the tears of joy showed you exactly how grateful he was with you for giving him this piece of happiness. Not bothering to hold back your own emotion, you embraced your two men, they were your family now, and you will protect, care and loved them until your last breath leave your body.
Ben insisted you to sleep, and you were more than happy to obligate his command. Still, you woke up now and then in fear, your mother instincts hitting you rather quickly. One time, you could hear Ben speech to Anakin. “I’ll be a better father to you, I promise” You knew Han had been lost from his life most of it, and he feared the same fate’d come for his son, but he had you now, and together, you’ll bring Anakin a happy life. “Your mom and I will take care of everything, don’t you worry” he proclaimed. Ben was ready to give his everything for his family, and he surely did.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Dark and light
Caught between, caught between
Hunger, my untold, I'm waiting
Find me inside, the endless night, our endless night
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
The first year was the hardest of them all. Politics were the worst and they only made Ben’s task difficult. He was ascending ranks fast, but not fast enough. General Hux made it his hobby to annoy him. By now, he was know as Kylo Ren, the finest of the Knights of Ren and one of the Supreme Leader most trusted.
Your existence still was a secret from the rest of the galaxy, beside Snoke, he kept his family safe, hidden on a distant planet. It was the best he could do for now. If Ben could had it his way, he’d be with you, raising Anakin, watching him take his first steps learning his first words. But in order to protect you, he must do this.
Visits were never long enough. He made it a habit to see you at least every two months. His son grew faster than he thought, and as always you waited for him, patient at the very last. “What did I do to deserve you?.” he asked you once. Anakin fast asleep on his arms, both walking back to the cottage.
“It’s not a matter of deserving Ben” you told him honestly, a smile on your face. “It’s more a decision I made long time ago. To be with you, no matter what.” You took his free hand in yours and squeezed it gently. “On my own free will” He stopped to kiss you, carful not to let Anakin fall from his arms.
Before Ben or even you knew it, Anakin’s second birthday was upon you. He missed it, and it made you sad, but fortunately your son was too young to remember it later on his life. Of course he missed his father, but you tried to fill his absence as much as you could, and Ben visited as often as he was allowed to.
Then another year, and the event that marked this special one was the news reaching the First Order. Luke Skywalker was still alive, and with him, the possibility of a new Jedi rebellion. It was imperative for Ben to find him before the Resistance did.
With this, Ben regarded the end of the tunnel getting nearer. If Luke was out of the picture, you and Anakin will be safe once and for all. He put all his effort on finding him, a lead was found, a whisper about a map Luke had left behind reached his ears.
He wasted no time and chased it across the galaxy, only for it to slip from his fingers thanks to a pilot and a droid. Fate was punishing him for sure. A stormtrooper rebelled, the pilot he took as a prisoner was freed and the map just got further and further from him.
Now in the hands of a scavenger, the droid and the former stormtrooper flew away inside the Millennium Falcon. His father now involved in this situation demanded of him to be careful, if he let his guard down, they’ll find about you, he feared that more than anything, for your lives.
Ben did everything in his power to win this battle, this patience was running out. Fear taking place inside him and clouding his mind. He captured the scavenger, she has seen it, the map was no longer in his interest. It’d be easier to read her mind and get this over with. I’d never occurred him this girl’d be so strong even without any training, he fought her but the moment she said "You. You're afraid. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader” he stopped in his tracks. If he continued, she’d find out about you.
That was something Ben wouldn’t allow.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
My furtive soul
A heart unknown
It's buried alive
The boundary fades between
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
The day had been slow and weary, Anakin got annoyed by every little thing. You made everything in your power to calm him down, to find out what was bothering him this day. Something was wrong. You knew your son had the force in him as his father did, you couldn’t understand much, only knew what Ben had explained you all these years, but you’re still stranger to it.
It was true Anakin held a special bond with his father, and as Ben stood before his own progenitor, lightsaber cutting through the smuggler, he felt a part of him dying. “Thank you” he had said as to what Han lifted his hand and touched Ben’s face. Anakin felt his pain, even trough the distance, even if he was too young to understand, he felt it.
His battle against the scavenger called Rey brought out his rawest anger. He was pure rage, an animal playing with his pray before giving the last blow. Unfortunately, once more Rey proved him wrong, she had a natural talent and overpowered him on the fight. His only souvenirs, a wound on his shoulder, his leg and a mark deep in his face.
Lying on the cold snow, he embraced death. Thinking back to you, his only regret was the lost time he’d never spend with you. A domestic and quiet life. Wishes that would never come true. Allowing himself to drift off, he dream of you, the first time Anakin trained with him, his anniversary gifts, your voice filling the house as you dance clumsily from one room to the other, and how he’d join you on your display, making Anakin giggle on how silly his parents looked.
Soon he found himself interrupted as the General Hux lift him on his feet and practically forced him inside a ship. The pain was unbearable, in all his training, nothing compared to this. Med droids began to clean his wounds as the ship parted from the doomed planet.
Everything he had worked for, every time he sacrificed with you to come to this, it all had blow away along the Starkiller base. Ben let for the first time in a long time, his watery eyes close and the tears pushed past his lashes. He needed you, needed the closeness and protection, his vulnerability skin deep.
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
Shadow and soul
My untold I'm waiting
Find me inside
The endless night
Our endless night
♪ ♫ ♬♪ ♫ ♬
“Stars!. Ben, what happened?” You were beside him as soon as you laid eyes upon him. Anakin was taking a nap, it allowed you to have a moment with Ben alone. You saw his funny walking and the bandage covering almost all his right side of the face. “Are you alright?” Your hands inspected his body fully for more wounds, finding only one on his left shoulder and his leg, the reason his steps had been different.
“I messed up” He simply said, you glimpsed his face only to find the regret and sorrow wearing him out. Be felt so tired and defeated. It softened your heart.
“Ben?” You didn’t know how to approach the issue, having no detail whatsoever. “Tell me what can I do?”
“Just be here” he held you close by now, caring very little about his condition. You led him inside the house and both of you laid on the couch. Him above you, combing his hair, washing away his agony. His tale began slowly, and when he came to the death of his father you understood why Anakin had been so anxious days before. Your own feelings betrayed you as you wept. “Why do you cry?”
“I cry for you. Because you feel the need to go trough this on your own when you don’t have to.” More than anything, you wanted to sand by his side, to share his burden, to held his hand whenever he needed, to kiss away the reality in need for an escape. You needed to be there for him as he was for you. “I’m here for you, we’re a team”
“I need you alive and well.” He was so stubborn. You shook your head side to side and directed your sight to the wall. “I can’t protect you if you are there in the middle of the fire.”
“I can help too you know?. This is killing me too Ben, do you know how it is like to wake up everyday and not knowing if you are the one coming back or one of your troopers with bad news?.” Boldly you added. “We can defend ourselves."
“Anakin is too young”
“I mean me. You can teach me, the basics or anything you want just, stop casting us away. Your son needs you too” Ben was weak whenever the matter referred of you. He wished no more than to see you everyday, smiling and encouraging him to be better, to watch his son grow each day. But he was afraid. If you ever saw what he did, what he truly was capable of, he feared you’d run and hide yourself from him. Ben’d not blame you, but it’d brake his heart beyond repair. It was a blow he couldn’t take.
“I love you more than anything”. Ben didn’t know what else to say. You sighed loudly and with a frown on your face you kissed the top of his head. His ear rested on your chest, the heartbeats a reminder of your mortality. “I assure you, soon, we’ll be together as long as you want. You’ll be begging me to get out of the house” He laughed at his own joke and you played along.
“You’ll have to get a job. I won’t have you lazing around all day. It’d give Anakin the wrong idea”
“Anything you want. I’ll do it.” Ben kissed the back of your free hand to seal his pact. For however long you had this time with him, you’ll treasure it.
“Dad?” A small voice came from upstairs and you heard the light footsteps reach the end of the hall entering the living room. Your son was now awake and his eyes lightened up at the sight of his older version. Ben sat up on the couch and you followed his movements. “Dad!” Anakin shouted and threw himself into Ben’s arms. The older man returned the embrace instantly.
“Hey little man. I missed you.” You could hear his voice on the edge, the truth along the words sounding with his emotions.
“I missed you too dad” Anakin answered. He let go of his father’s neck to analyze the large mark on his face. He was such a clever boy and with no time he understood the situation. “I felt something really scary the other day dad. Mom helped me, but it felt so sad”
“I know my brave son. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything, your mom will keep an eye on you as I make sure no monsters will come for you. Do you believe me?” You couldn’t help the grin displaying on your lips. These were the moments you lived for.
“I do” Anakin’s clear declaration lifted Ben’s spirit. He rested his forehead against his son’s and closed his eyes for the briefest of moments.
“Good. How about you show me what you’ve learn while I was out?”
“Really?” Ben nodded and Anakin got off his lap and dragged him around the house showing him proudly his inventions. As you know by now, he was a clever boy.
Allowing yourself to sit back for a moment, you enjoyed the atmosphere for a few minutes. Again, you found yourself pleading time to stop, to let you set the clock back and live this memory over and over again. Your family together, well and in peace.
There was nothing else you could wish for.