“Oh for God’s sake.” You muttered tossing and turning in your bedroll until you were facing the sky and looking at the stars.
Placing one hand on your chest and gripping the furs tightly in an attempt to not punch the snoring idiot laid next to you.
Sure, some of the other dwarves did snore in a regular pattern that could lull you to sleep… But no, Kili had insisted to snore completely randomly, at different pitches and volumes and he always chose to do it right beside you.
That was something you had noticed.
When you were on watch no sound left his sleeping annoying face. But if you were next to each other? it seemed he was determined to keep you awake all night with his infuriating nose.
“I have had it.” You finally announced to yourself and flung yourself to your feet.
Gandalf, who was on watch, asked no questions only nodded understandingly at the huffs coming from you and went back to smoking his pipe next to the fire. Grabbing your shorts and throwing them on haphazardly you grabbed a knife from your bag and stormed out of camp, making an attempt to kick Kili in the head as you walked.
“Hey!” You heard the dwarf call after you as he groggily rubbed his head and watched you disappear into the forest, soon stomping off after you.
“What did you do that for?” He exclaimed roughly spinning you around by the shoulder to meet you, still making a show of rubbing his head.
“Oh I am sorry, my foot must have slipped.” You replied, voice dripping with sarcasm and a glare rivalling his. “You snore so loudly we could be ambushed any moment, and who would have to save you all? Me.”
Kili scoffed at you making you all the more annoyed at his annoyingly handsome face. Wait what! Did you say handsome?! You need to lock that down NOW! He is not handsome, he is annoying and he is keeping you awake. I can think of other ways he could keep you awake… The dirty little devil in your mind whispered making Kili’s teasing fade away as you blushed heavily and battled with your own mind. Shut up. Shut up!
“Hey stop ignoring me!” Kili suddenly said his hushed rant coming to a close and bringing you back from shouting and mentally slapping yourself.
“I’m sorry what did you say? Your voice is so annoying I must have zoned out.” Having regained your composure and shoving the voice back into a box at the back of your mind you returned to your specialist skill. Sarcasm.
I could think of another way you could use your lips… STOP! STOP THINKING THESE THINGS! You hate him remember? Him and his smug little grin that you can’t help but stare at… Sort yourself out girl, Christ what’s gotten into you?
“Stop ignoring me!” Kili exclaimed again, this time stepping forward to tap you on the forehead to regain your attention.
You grabbed his hand and pushed it down away from your face almost struggling to let go and ending up holding one of his fingers. He did nothing to protest against you claiming his pinky finger but instead looked at it confused and then back to you and then back to his finger encased in yours. Suddenly you realised what you were doing and released his finger in disgust.
“Ugh, get off of me!” You tried your best to fight the blush forming on your cheeks in the darkness. But your face was nowhere near as flushed as Kili’s who looked practically giddy for some unknown reason to you.
For a couple of moments you stayed in awkward silence, just staring at each other with the broadest collection of confused expressions being displayed on both of your faces.
Kili leant his head towards you hesitantly and that was where the panic set in.
“I’m going back to camp.” You said abruptly his head stopping in its tracks as you pushed past him and awkwardly shuffled back to camp leaving him hanging.
He stood for a moment blankly and then even more confusion crept in.
“What was that?” He called frustration replacing confusion and he hurried after you, striding beside you in your short journey back through the trees towards the fire flickering through the leaves.
“What was what?” You quipped back not even looking at him, not wanting to look at him in fear of the erotic comments your mind could conjure up next.
“That?!” He said throwing his hand out to stop you but you pushed past and ere entered the camp attempting to head straight back to your bedroll and forget about the whole situation. But you were stopped by someone else.
“Stop.” Gandalf said, his voice low but stern causing you and Kili to halt.
“I have had it with your constant bickering. Y/N, I did not bring you on this quest and manage to persuade Thorin just for you to turn your obvious affections for his nephew into petty arguments.”
You squeaked in shock at his statement trying to hide that it was true and failing it miserably. Kili turned to you in his own shock and was about to make a comment when even his blabbering mouth was shut.
“And Kili, would you kindly swallow your pride and admit to your own feelings for our female friend here.”
He mirrored your squeak but his was surprisingly higher and you nearly laughed at it when you remembered how awkward and inappropriate it would be after the information just shared. The voice didn’t hold back though. It cheered and continued another string of comments of how you were going to creep off into the woods, slowly undress and…. Nope! Not going there right now. I do not wish to revisit the only dream I have had on this blasted quest right now thank you very much.
“Now. Go to bed, the both of you. I’m sure you’ll have plenty to discuss in the morning.”
This is when your tongue decided it could work again.
“But Gandalf I can’t! He snores to loudly.” You whined, ignoring the other squeak coming from beside you except this time it was a more normal pitch for a male dwarf.
“Well soon it will be you that does the snoring.” The wizard raised an eyebrow at you’re a small mischievous smirk playing at his lips.
“Abra-Cadabra.” Gandalf interrupted placing a finger on both you and Kili’s heads sending a small electric shock to form beneath your skin and fall through your body to tingle at your toes.
“Goodnight.” He finally whispered and turned away from you to walk back to his seat next to the smouldering fire.
“What just –“Once again you were interrupted but this time it was by the ground coming up to meet you and the world switching to black.
With a groan you opened your eyes, everywhere ached but your mind felt amazing after having what felt like the best sleep you’d ever had.
You stretched your arms out and yawned but your eyes stayed shut. When you brought your hands back from the air and laid them on your chest, they snapped open.
You patted at your chest, keeping your eyes locked with the clouds floating by above you and concentrating on touch alone, letting all your senses shut down and your mind run wild with panic.
The usual squishy balls of fat that your palms rested on had been replaced by a flat wall of solid muscle ridged here and then but completely hard.
Your eyes practically popped out of your skull to join the birds as numerous and sometimes obscene suggestions passed through your mind.
Maybe your dead and when you die you lose your gender. Or maybe someone decided they didn’t like them and chopped them off and then healed the cuts to be nice. Or, maybe you’re still dreaming. Yep that’s it you’re just dreaming. Wait… why do you sound so manly yet not deep bellowing manly? Oh. My. Fucking. God… I am going to kill him.
Your now muscular torso shot up and your hands frantically searched the rest of your body. To the scratchy stubble, the hairy legs and the snake that now resided in your trousers that were far, far too tight to be comfortable.
A strangled squeak escaped your lips gaining the attention of a few of the other company members who in turn looked at you in startled confusion as if you had turned mad. And you were beginning to believe them.
“What’s wrong Kee? Y/N got you down again? You know if you just talked to her without ending up in an argument she might start to like you. Hey why are you wearing her clothes anyway? What happened last night?” Fili smirked raising an eyebrow suggestively as he walked over and slumped down next to you causing more deranged thoughts to ping pong around your head.
“No, no I’m fine. Perfectly happy nothing wrong here…” You tried to say as confidently and normally as you could but ended up sounding completely awkward and telling obvious lies. “I just need to, wash. Yes that’s right I need to wash.”
Without giving Fili the satisfaction of pointing out that you were clearly hiding something you shot off into the woods and towards a small pond only a short distance from camp.
But it seemed someone else had the same idea. You.
Well sort of you, it sure looked like you but you were wearing Kili’s clothes and had a face paler than snow with two rosy apples on each cheek. After the initial squeak that your body made at your appearance his wide eyes turned into slithers as you glared at yourself.
“What did you do?” Your voice hissed startling yourself, it was like you were watching a show about your life, and it was not enjoyable.
“What did I do?” Your manly voice still feeling horrible and strange coming from your mouth. “I did nothing it was what you did!”
“Actually, it was what I did.” Gandalf emerged from the trees with an amused smirk at the sight in front of him.
You both turned shocked your tunic tight and far two short at the arms making you feel incredibly insecure and exposed to the world where as looking at you in front of yourself was being swamped by fabric.
“I gave you a body swap.” The wizard said far too casually as if it were nothing.
“What?!” You both squeaked in unison voices higher than mice. Gandalf only chuckled at you though and your completely baffled faces belonging to the wrong person.
“How long will this last?” Kili, or your body and voice, said shakily like he didn’t want to know the answer.
“About a week, maybe less maybe more.” Gandalf shrugged enjoying the expressions he was receiving from the swapped bodies in front of him.
“Ugh I can’t stay like this for a week!” You protested Kili’s voice becoming higher from your tone making Gandalf laugh more.
“Yeah how am I going to shoot with these –“ He gestured wildly at the two things sprouting from his chest “things getting in the way?!”
Gandalf however had no intention of helping either of you and instead burst into laughter when a thought clicked into your head about Kili’s new body.
“Hey Gandalf?” He gave a hum in response through the small chortles he was aiming at Kili throwing his arms around in disgust. “What day is it?”
“It’s Tuesday the 9th my dear – “
“Hey don’t call my body ‘my dear’ thank you very much.” Kili said pointing a feminine finger at the wizard gaining laughter from both you and Gandalf.
“Why do you ask?” Gandalf questioned his brow raising in suspicion at the mischievous grin spreading on your face although it did not seem misplaced since Kili usually sprouted one under his stubble.
“Oh you are going to have so much fun this week.” You grinned at Kili who had no idea what you could be hinting to making you glad that Gandalf chose this week to put you through the torture. Well it would be a lot more torturous for Kili bearing in mind his new body.
After swapping clothes and a few grumbles and insults you walked back into camp feeling more comfortable yet dirtier in Kili’s tunic and usual garments.
“This was still your fault.” He tried to say next to you but you ignored it.
Maybe this won’t be so bad. At least I don’t have to deal with THAT problem, no now he does. Besides I now have a chance to play with that – Stop! You can’t think like that! Well he’ll probably be having some fun with your body why shouldn’t you with his? No. We’re going to put an end to these dirty thoughts because I do not like him like that. Sure you don’t, just as much as he doesn’t like you.
When you walked back into camp everyone stared at you and then burst out in laughter. Gandalf had clearly told them what had happened.
Well this is going to be great.
You shuffled in your saddle again, attempting to ‘rearrange’ things without touching them or being noticed and it was not working.
“What are you trying to do exactly?” Kili appeared next to you on his pony looking at you very quizzically still upset about the predicament but finding entertainment in your fidgeting.
“I’m trying *shuffle* to get *fidget* comfy.” You finally said with a huff, giving up and sitting back down in the saddle. Kili only laughed at your struggle but soon hushed when you shot him a glare.
“Well I’m remarkably comfy I’ll tell you that.” You shot him another small glare but he continued on anyway. “See there’s so many problems that come with being a guy.” He tutted causing you to laugh a bit at his ignorance.
“Oh you’ll have your fair share of problems alright.” You smirked once again leaving him slightly confused.
“So?” Fili asked in a hushed voice coming up to Kili after the long day riding.
“So what?” Kili replied tearing his eyes away from his previous attention – himself – to look at his brother.
“What do they feel like?” He asked with a smirk trying to hide his innocent curiosity about his brother’s new body.
“Hey!” Kili hit his brothers arm who only giggled a bit, annoyed that he would even ask such an open question.
“Oh don’t try and pretend like you haven’t touched them. I know you brother you’ve been wanting to touch them for a while now.” He grinned enjoying the flustered look spreading across his brother’s female face. Kili only huffed, completely unimpressed but aware that his older brother would continue questioning him.
“Amazing.” He finally huffed and crossed his arms in an attempt to cover up his now busty chest but in turn only pushing them up. Kili’s hand subconsciously reached up to sort them out and to have a secret squeeze whilst he was at it but was stopped by his own voice.
“Hey!” You shouted, or rather Kili shouted you would not get used to the new voice “Kili I would appreciate it if you did not touch my boobs!” This gained a round of laughter and a scowl from the offending dwarf now female.
This was confusing.
Kili screamed in frustration as he threw the bow down.
“No wonder you can’t shoot a bow your bloody chest keeps getting in the way of the string! And your arms are all wrong.” Kili complained to you as you both attempted to practise with your weapons before you lost the light from the sunset and had to rely solely on the fire.
“Well I love you too.” You retorted sarcastically finding it easier to swing your sword now that you had more muscular arms but harder to throw your knives from the stubbiness of his fingers. “But I fail to see how the shape of my body is my fault.”
Whirling around to face you, Kili smacked himself in the face with your long blonde hair for perhaps the twentieth time that evening.
“I swear to god I’ll cut this off.” He threatened holding a knife to your long flowing hair that you were so proud of. I mean Kili’s hair was long, but not long enough to be a constant annoyance when doing activity.
“Don’t you dare.” You snarled grabbing your own knife and putting it to your scratchy face. “You touch my hair I’ll cut your beard off.”
Kili gasped and squeaked at the threat dropping the knife to the floor and covering his mouth in shock.
“No please!” He begged only making you laugh at his sudden protection over the short hairs from your chin.
“I hate this whole –“ Kili tried to continue his tirade, but was stopped in his tracks by a terrible pain ripping from his gut. Unable to stop himself from crying out in agony, he fell to his knees, clutching his stomach.
You were next to him in an instance and for some unknown reason you felt pity towards him and wanted to protect him.
“Y/N, it hur..i. hurts.. my… my stomach.” He groaned his face rippling and letting small whimpers escape.
Your hand reached under his tunic and began to rub his stomach feeling the same weird sensation travel through you that it was actually your stomach you were rubbing. But you tried to forget that thought and concentrated on helping Kili and your body.
Thorin and Fili had run towards you when they heard the cry of pain and wrapped their head around that it was Kili enduring it. But with a small nod of your head they understood and backed off although they kept an eye on you both.
“Y/N what was that?” He shakily asked his voice small.
“Oh you know, cramps, cycles the usual.” You shrugged casually and his eyes widened in slight admiration.
“I didn’t know it was that painful. You make it look so easy.”
“Well when you live with it.” You shrugged again slowly stopping your soothing as the pain seemed to fully retreat from your body and his mind.
“Anyway it’s only a week. You’ve come on a quest to fight a dragon, you’ve battle stone giants goblins and even a Hobbit hole. It’ll be alright it’s only a week.” You chuckled quietly and he seemed to agree with your own small giggles coming out of his mouth.
“That’s very true. And for once I think you’re right.” He reached his fingers up to tangle them in your now dark brown hair.
Without thinking you pulled Kili, who temporarily had possessed your body, into your arms and pressed your lips gently to his.
For several heated minutes, your lips remained pressed together slowly moving in passion whilst your hands hesitantly ventured to explore a body that was both familiar and not at the same time.
“Y/N! Kili!” Thorin’s voice suddenly interrupted them. You both looked up to see the King in exile striding towards you and when he saw you… he stopped short.
“Ah…you two… time to come back to camp… suppers ready.” He said before turning around and heading back towards camp.
You both glanced at each other briefly before smiling and then letting a small fit of giggles overcome you.
“I’m not going to lie. It was a bit strange to be kissing my own lips.” You admitted with a chuckle.
“Well you’re just going to have to get used to it. I’m not going to hold back anymore although I can’t promise anything with the bickering.” He said, your voice sounding so bizarre saying such suggestive things that inevitably made the dirty voice inside you finally take over your entire brain.
“Perhaps tonight then?” You suggested, your expression turning sultry and seductive one that Kili’s facial muscles fell into easily. “A little more… experimentation.”
“Absolutely.” He replied instantly smirking at you.
“This is so weird.”
What have I got myself into dear God.