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A Collection of Reader Insert's for The Hobbit Characters

Chapter Text


“Oh for God’s sake.” You muttered tossing and turning in your bedroll until you were facing the sky and looking at the stars.

Placing one hand on your chest and gripping the furs tightly in an attempt to not punch the snoring idiot laid next to you.

Sure, some of the other dwarves did snore in a regular pattern that could lull you to sleep… But no, Kili had insisted to snore completely randomly, at different pitches and volumes and he always chose to do it right beside you.

That was something you had noticed.

When you were on watch no sound left his sleeping annoying face. But if you were next to each other? it seemed he was determined to keep you awake all night with his infuriating nose.

“I have had it.” You finally announced to yourself and flung yourself to your feet.

Gandalf, who was on watch, asked no questions only nodded understandingly at the huffs coming from you and went back to smoking his pipe next to the fire. Grabbing your shorts and throwing them on haphazardly you grabbed a knife from your bag and stormed out of camp, making an attempt to kick Kili in the head as you walked.

“Hey!” You heard the dwarf call after you as he groggily rubbed his head and watched you disappear into the forest, soon stomping off after you.

“What did you do that for?” He exclaimed roughly spinning you around by the shoulder to meet you, still making a show of rubbing his head.

“Oh I am sorry, my foot must have slipped.” You replied, voice dripping with sarcasm and a glare rivalling his. “You snore so loudly we could be ambushed any moment, and who would have to save you all? Me.”

Kili scoffed at you making you all the more annoyed at his annoyingly handsome face. Wait what! Did you say handsome?! You need to lock that down NOW! He is not handsome, he is annoying and he is keeping you awake. I can think of other ways he could keep you awake… The dirty little devil in your mind whispered making Kili’s teasing fade away as you blushed heavily and battled with your own mind. Shut up. Shut up!

“Hey stop ignoring me!” Kili suddenly said his hushed rant coming to a close and bringing you back from shouting and mentally slapping yourself.

“I’m sorry what did you say? Your voice is so annoying I must have zoned out.” Having regained your composure and shoving the voice back into a box at the back of your mind you returned to your specialist skill. Sarcasm.

I could think of another way you could use your lips… STOP! STOP THINKING THESE THINGS! You hate him remember? Him and his smug little grin that you can’t help but stare at… Sort yourself out girl, Christ what’s gotten into you?

“Stop ignoring me!” Kili exclaimed again, this time stepping forward to tap you on the forehead to regain your attention.

You grabbed his hand and pushed it down away from your face almost struggling to let go and ending up holding one of his fingers. He did nothing to protest against you claiming his pinky finger but instead looked at it confused and then back to you and then back to his finger encased in yours. Suddenly you realised what you were doing and released his finger in disgust.

“Ugh, get off of me!” You tried your best to fight the blush forming on your cheeks in the darkness. But your face was nowhere near as flushed as Kili’s who looked practically giddy for some unknown reason to you.

For a couple of moments you stayed in awkward silence, just staring at each other with the broadest collection of confused expressions being displayed on both of your faces.

Kili leant his head towards you hesitantly and that was where the panic set in.

“I’m going back to camp.” You said abruptly his head stopping in its tracks as you pushed past him and awkwardly shuffled back to camp leaving him hanging.

He stood for a moment blankly and then even more confusion crept in.

“What was that?” He called frustration replacing confusion and he hurried after you, striding beside you in your short journey back through the trees towards the fire flickering through the leaves.

“What was what?” You quipped back not even looking at him, not wanting to look at him in fear of the erotic comments your mind could conjure up next.

“That?!” He said throwing his hand out to stop you but you pushed past and ere entered the camp attempting to head straight back to your bedroll and forget about the whole situation. But you were stopped by someone else.

“Stop.” Gandalf said, his voice low but stern causing you and Kili to halt.

“I have had it with your constant bickering. Y/N, I did not bring you on this quest and manage to persuade Thorin just for you to turn your obvious affections for his nephew into petty arguments.”

You squeaked in shock at his statement trying to hide that it was true and failing it miserably. Kili turned to you in his own shock and was about to make a comment when even his blabbering mouth was shut.

“And Kili, would you kindly swallow your pride and admit to your own feelings for our female friend here.”

He mirrored your squeak but his was surprisingly higher and you nearly laughed at it when you remembered how awkward and inappropriate it would be after the information just shared. The voice didn’t hold back though. It cheered and continued another string of comments of how you were going to creep off into the woods, slowly undress and…. Nope! Not going there right now. I do not wish to revisit the only dream I have had on this blasted quest right now thank you very much.

“Now. Go to bed, the both of you. I’m sure you’ll have plenty to discuss in the morning.”

This is when your tongue decided it could work again.

“But Gandalf I can’t! He snores to loudly.” You whined, ignoring the other squeak coming from beside you except this time it was a more normal pitch for a male dwarf.

“Well soon it will be you that does the snoring.” The wizard raised an eyebrow at you’re a small mischievous smirk playing at his lips.

“Wait what?”

“Abra-Cadabra.” Gandalf interrupted placing a finger on both you and Kili’s heads sending a small electric shock to form beneath your skin and fall through your body to tingle at your toes.

“Goodnight.” He finally whispered and turned away from you to walk back to his seat next to the smouldering fire.

“What just –“Once again you were interrupted but this time it was by the ground coming up to meet you and the world switching to black.

With a groan you opened your eyes, everywhere ached but your mind felt amazing after having what felt like the best sleep you’d ever had.

You stretched your arms out and yawned but your eyes stayed shut. When you brought your hands back from the air and laid them on your chest, they snapped open.

You patted at your chest, keeping your eyes locked with the clouds floating by above you and concentrating on touch alone, letting all your senses shut down and your mind run wild with panic.

The usual squishy balls of fat that your palms rested on had been replaced by a flat wall of solid muscle ridged here and then but completely hard.

Your eyes practically popped out of your skull to join the birds as numerous and sometimes obscene suggestions passed through your mind.

Maybe your dead and when you die you lose your gender. Or maybe someone decided they didn’t like them and chopped them off and then healed the cuts to be nice. Or, maybe you’re still dreaming. Yep that’s it you’re just dreaming. Wait… why do you sound so manly yet not deep bellowing manly? Oh. My. Fucking. God… I am going to kill him.

Your now muscular torso shot up and your hands frantically searched the rest of your body. To the scratchy stubble, the hairy legs and the snake that now resided in your trousers that were far, far too tight to be comfortable.

A strangled squeak escaped your lips gaining the attention of a few of the other company members who in turn looked at you in startled confusion as if you had turned mad. And you were beginning to believe them.

“What’s wrong Kee? Y/N got you down again? You know if you just talked to her without ending up in an argument she might start to like you. Hey why are you wearing her clothes anyway? What happened last night?” Fili smirked raising an eyebrow suggestively as he walked over and slumped down next to you causing more deranged thoughts to ping pong around your head.

“No, no I’m fine. Perfectly happy nothing wrong here…” You tried to say as confidently and normally as you could but ended up sounding completely awkward and telling obvious lies. “I just need to, wash. Yes that’s right I need to wash.”

Without giving Fili the satisfaction of pointing out that you were clearly hiding something you shot off into the woods and towards a small pond only a short distance from camp.

But it seemed someone else had the same idea. You.

Well sort of you, it sure looked like you but you were wearing Kili’s clothes and had a face paler than snow with two rosy apples on each cheek. After the initial squeak that your body made at your appearance his wide eyes turned into slithers as you glared at yourself.

“What did you do?” Your voice hissed startling yourself, it was like you were watching a show about your life, and it was not enjoyable.

“What did I do?” Your manly voice still feeling horrible and strange coming from your mouth. “I did nothing it was what you did!”

“Actually, it was what I did.” Gandalf emerged from the trees with an amused smirk at the sight in front of him.

You both turned shocked your tunic tight and far two short at the arms making you feel incredibly insecure and exposed to the world where as looking at you in front of yourself was being swamped by fabric.

“I gave you a body swap.” The wizard said far too casually as if it were nothing.

“What?!” You both squeaked in unison voices higher than mice. Gandalf only chuckled at you though and your completely baffled faces belonging to the wrong person.

“How long will this last?” Kili, or your body and voice, said shakily like he didn’t want to know the answer.

“About a week, maybe less maybe more.” Gandalf shrugged enjoying the expressions he was receiving from the swapped bodies in front of him.

“Ugh I can’t stay like this for a week!” You protested Kili’s voice becoming higher from your tone making Gandalf laugh more.

“Yeah how am I going to shoot with these –“ He gestured wildly at the two things sprouting from his chest “things getting in the way?!”

Gandalf however had no intention of helping either of you and instead burst into laughter when a thought clicked into your head about Kili’s new body.

“Hey Gandalf?” He gave a hum in response through the small chortles he was aiming at Kili throwing his arms around in disgust. “What day is it?”

“It’s Tuesday the 9th my dear – “

“Hey don’t call my body ‘my dear’ thank you very much.” Kili said pointing a feminine finger at the wizard gaining laughter from both you and Gandalf.

“Why do you ask?” Gandalf questioned his brow raising in suspicion at the mischievous grin spreading on your face although it did not seem misplaced since Kili usually sprouted one under his stubble.

“Oh you are going to have so much fun this week.” You grinned at Kili who had no idea what you could be hinting to making you glad that Gandalf chose this week to put you through the torture. Well it would be a lot more torturous for Kili bearing in mind his new body.

After swapping clothes and a few grumbles and insults you walked back into camp feeling more comfortable yet dirtier in Kili’s tunic and usual garments.

“This was still your fault.” He tried to say next to you but you ignored it.

Maybe this won’t be so bad. At least I don’t have to deal with THAT problem, no now he does. Besides I now have a chance to play with that – Stop! You can’t think like that! Well he’ll probably be having some fun with your body why shouldn’t you with his? No. We’re going to put an end to these dirty thoughts because I do not like him like that. Sure you don’t, just as much as he doesn’t like you.

When you walked back into camp everyone stared at you and then burst out in laughter. Gandalf had clearly told them what had happened.

Well this is going to be great.

You shuffled in your saddle again, attempting to ‘rearrange’ things without touching them or being noticed and it was not working.

“What are you trying to do exactly?” Kili appeared next to you on his pony looking at you very quizzically still upset about the predicament but finding entertainment in your fidgeting.

“I’m trying *shuffle* to get *fidget* comfy.” You finally said with a huff, giving up and sitting back down in the saddle. Kili only laughed at your struggle but soon hushed when you shot him a glare.

“Well I’m remarkably comfy I’ll tell you that.” You shot him another small glare but he continued on anyway. “See there’s so many problems that come with being a guy.” He tutted causing you to laugh a bit at his ignorance.

“Oh you’ll have your fair share of problems alright.” You smirked once again leaving him slightly confused.

“So?” Fili asked in a hushed voice coming up to Kili after the long day riding.

“So what?” Kili replied tearing his eyes away from his previous attention – himself – to look at his brother.

“What do they feel like?” He asked with a smirk trying to hide his innocent curiosity about his brother’s new body.

“Hey!” Kili hit his brothers arm who only giggled a bit, annoyed that he would even ask such an open question.

“Oh don’t try and pretend like you haven’t touched them. I know you brother you’ve been wanting to touch them for a while now.” He grinned enjoying the flustered look spreading across his brother’s female face. Kili only huffed, completely unimpressed but aware that his older brother would continue questioning him.

“Amazing.” He finally huffed and crossed his arms in an attempt to cover up his now busty chest but in turn only pushing them up. Kili’s hand subconsciously reached up to sort them out and to have a secret squeeze whilst he was at it but was stopped by his own voice.

“Hey!” You shouted, or rather Kili shouted you would not get used to the new voice “Kili I would appreciate it if you did not touch my boobs!” This gained a round of laughter and a scowl from the offending dwarf now female.

This was confusing.

Kili screamed in frustration as he threw the bow down.

“No wonder you can’t shoot a bow your bloody chest keeps getting in the way of the string! And your arms are all wrong.” Kili complained to you as you both attempted to practise with your weapons before you lost the light from the sunset and had to rely solely on the fire.

“Well I love you too.” You retorted sarcastically finding it easier to swing your sword now that you had more muscular arms but harder to throw your knives from the stubbiness of his fingers. “But I fail to see how the shape of my body is my fault.”

Whirling around to face you, Kili smacked himself in the face with your long blonde hair for perhaps the twentieth time that evening.

“I swear to god I’ll cut this off.” He threatened holding a knife to your long flowing hair that you were so proud of. I mean Kili’s hair was long, but not long enough to be a constant annoyance when doing activity.

“Don’t you dare.” You snarled grabbing your own knife and putting it to your scratchy face. “You touch my hair I’ll cut your beard off.”

Kili gasped and squeaked at the threat dropping the knife to the floor and covering his mouth in shock.

“No please!” He begged only making you laugh at his sudden protection over the short hairs from your chin.

“I hate this whole –“ Kili tried to continue his tirade, but was stopped in his tracks by a terrible pain ripping from his gut. Unable to stop himself from crying out in agony, he fell to his knees, clutching his stomach.

You were next to him in an instance and for some unknown reason you felt pity towards him and wanted to protect him.

“Y/N, it hur..i. hurts.. my… my stomach.” He groaned his face rippling and letting small whimpers escape.

Your hand reached under his tunic and began to rub his stomach feeling the same weird sensation travel through you that it was actually your stomach you were rubbing. But you tried to forget that thought and concentrated on helping Kili and your body.

Thorin and Fili had run towards you when they heard the cry of pain and wrapped their head around that it was Kili enduring it. But with a small nod of your head they understood and backed off although they kept an eye on you both.

“Y/N what was that?” He shakily asked his voice small.

“Oh you know, cramps, cycles the usual.” You shrugged casually and his eyes widened in slight admiration.

“I didn’t know it was that painful. You make it look so easy.”

“Well when you live with it.” You shrugged again slowly stopping your soothing as the pain seemed to fully retreat from your body and his mind.

“Anyway it’s only a week. You’ve come on a quest to fight a dragon, you’ve battle stone giants goblins and even a Hobbit hole. It’ll be alright it’s only a week.” You chuckled quietly and he seemed to agree with your own small giggles coming out of his mouth.

“That’s very true. And for once I think you’re right.” He reached his fingers up to tangle them in your now dark brown hair.

Without thinking you pulled Kili, who temporarily had possessed your body, into your arms and pressed your lips gently to his.

For several heated minutes, your lips remained pressed together slowly moving in passion whilst your hands hesitantly ventured to explore a body that was both familiar and not at the same time.

“Y/N! Kili!” Thorin’s voice suddenly interrupted them. You both looked up to see the King in exile striding towards you and when he saw you… he stopped short.

“Ah…you two… time to come back to camp… suppers ready.” He said before turning around and heading back towards camp.

You both glanced at each other briefly before smiling and then letting a small fit of giggles overcome you.

“I’m not going to lie. It was a bit strange to be kissing my own lips.” You admitted with a chuckle.

“Well you’re just going to have to get used to it. I’m not going to hold back anymore although I can’t promise anything with the bickering.” He said, your voice sounding so bizarre saying such suggestive things that inevitably made the dirty voice inside you finally take over your entire brain.

“Perhaps tonight then?” You suggested, your expression turning sultry and seductive one that Kili’s facial muscles fell into easily. “A little more… experimentation.”

“Absolutely.” He replied instantly smirking at you.  

“This is so weird.”

What have I got myself into dear God.

Chapter Text


You had left your home and responsibilities an age ago. So long in fact that you had almost forgotten your origin and had reclaimed a new status for yourself as a half elf-half dwarf mercenary and ranger.

The turning point for your rash decision to ‘run away’ was when you, your family and the Kingdom that followed you had decided it would be a good and noble idea to take on dragons. Luckily you had only a few scars and burns to show for your endeavour but your father had gotten half of his face blasted off in his arrogance.

Of course, you had wanted to leave Mirkwood for as long as you could remember. Being the Bastard daughter of Thranduil Elven King was not thought very highly of and therefore you were bullied and teased; not only by other elves but also by your step mother who practically hated your guts. It was bad enough that you were a bastard, but no that was not enough for you were also half Dwarf whore on one of your fathers early drunken adventures.

Now though, it seemed you were to be reunited with your home and kin, but more excitingly, your step brother.

Legolas had always helped you, trained with you, friendly towards you and whenever he saw you being teased the bullies would scurry off when they saw the their loveable Prince come to the aid of his disasters bastard sister. He thought no different of you and treated you as a twin more than anything, he even seemed your advice with a certain red haired She-Elf, which of course you sarcastically helped with and ended up making it worse despite the entertainment it gave you.

But now, you were in the forest outside the gates, trapped in a spiders web as it decided which bit of you to chew on first, with thirteen dwarves and a magic hobbit.

“So… This went well.” You said through the sticky string, as sarcastic as ever threw a small giggle.

“I fail to see how this is funny.” You heard Dwalin growl his voice sleepy from the spiders stingers in his body.

You giggled again and were about to reply with a humorous and somewhat ironic comment when Bilbo Magic Man appeared and cut your cacoon from a branch sending you limiting to the ground with a fair few explicits.

Then came the mini battle or more of a ‘everyone huddle and stab every spider that comes near’ sort of thing; which could have worked if you hadn’t become flooded with tarantulas that wanted to rip your guts from you.

Luckily though, the dwarfs favourite race arrived to save the day with all their flips and swishing making killing look otherworldly, which in fairness had never been your style.

“Oh would you get off me! I mean I know I’m gorgeous but please!” You retorted as an elf patted you down and ridded you of all your weapons. Your comment gained a few chuckles and happy head shakes from nearby dwarves and eye rolls and smirks from nearby elves.

“Where did you get this?” A silky commanding voice said, the owners face being blocked out by Thorin’s massive head that had somehow managed to get high enough to obscure your view. He was probably on a hill.

“I found it.”

“Not only a thief, but a lier as well” the elf said flipping Thorin’s sword over and sheathing it in his own belt. The elf pushed past the company’s leader and suddenly the voice fit and your face brightened, throwing respect, sense and appropriateness out of the window.

“EYY BROTHER!” You shouted pushing past the elf and tugging on your bindings with a cheeky grin. Your outburst certainly got the attention of Legolas and his face softened from a frown to a small smile as you swaggered towards him throwing in a clumsy twirl as you neared him.

“Y/N” He sighed chuckling slightly and shaking his head with a smirk.

“Leg leg.” You nodded only causing a small ripple of laughter to pass between you.

The company were murmuring between themselves completely confused and baffled by how the situation was unfolding and the relationships appearing.

“Wait how did he- why do you- names?” Kili stuttered flicking between you and Legolas in utter confusion that had clearly clouded his brain along with everyone else’s open mouths.

“You never told us you had a brother!” Bofur exclaimed causing more grumbles to run around the dwarves.

“Seemed to leave out the detail that you were related to them.” You heard Throin mutter angrily.

“Can you let us go?” You said hopefully, putting on your best puppy face to try and melt your step brothers heart.

“No. Father will want to know where you’ve been, as will I.” Legolas turned and began walking away with a smug smile on his face.

“Oh shit.”

Chapter Text


Thank the Lord you were stopping for the night.

Ever since you had been thrown into Middle Earth and one of your favourite quests, you had realised just how unfit you were along with how much you had taken for granted back at home.

You missed cars, phones, video games; but most of all, you missed music.

You had the same blasted song stuck in your head ever since Thorin and his common sang it in Bilbo’s mole hill whilst you awkwardly sat cross legged on the floor listening to it, and you had had enough. It was time for a change of tune.

You desperately tried to remember any upbeat song to take your mind off the harsh conditions and occasionally dwarves, but were failing miserably.

“Hey Y/N! Could you jump up and grab some firewood? Only a couple of twigs will do.” Bofur called from across camp and almost immediately a song popped into your head along with the tune and the lyrics.

You grabbed a knife from your pack for precaution, lightly humming the intro to the song. You suddenly got into the song and your light hum became loud enough for everyone to hear and silently question as you strutted across the camp absentmindedly dancing with your eyes shut.

“And Jump! For my love. Jump in! And feel my touch.” You sang hopping slightly where appropriate not caring about the judgment smothering you and instead rocking out to yourself.

You slowly began to disappear into the wood although your loud and not all that perfect singing still reached the dwarves trying to stifle their confused laughter.

“Jump if you wanna feel my kisses in the night yeah! Jump, jump for my love.

You jigged and shuffled along the line ones picking up twigs and waving them around with your one-man party.

“What the hell got into her? And what a bizarre song?” Dwalin wondered finally breaking the awe struck silence that had fallen over the camp with the overplay of your singing in the distance.

“Why would you jump to get someone to love you?” Kili added equally as confused at the songs lyrics as the rest of the dwarves.

“Maybe it’s a courting ritual from where she’s from.” Bilbo suggested and every pair of eyes swung around to him with murmurs of agreement.

The hobbits own gaze flicked to their leader who was staring into the woods with a baffled expression and a slight smile teasing at his lips like he had found the solution to a complicated puzzle.

They were about to continue their group discussion when your singing became less distant and you burst back through the tree line still dancing around and belting out the song.

“I’ll take you down I’ll take you down, where no ones ever gone before. And if you want more! If you want more, more, more! THEN JUMP!”

The company sprang into action at your reappearance, attempting to busy themselves with the nearest thing to them.

All except Thorin.

He stood in the middle of the pretend chaos and looked you dead in the eye before lightly bouncing off his heels.
You tilted your head in giddy confusion and were about to ask but he had already moved to chat quietly with Balin.

Throughout that evening you noticed that the dwarf king was going out of his way to walk past you and every time jumping lightly. At first you thought it was funny and cute, but now it was plain odd.

You were just about to settle down for the night along with everyone else when he did it again, this time gaining height with his jump but not looking at you directly a light roses blush spreading across his cheeks each time.

“Thorin why do you keep hopping about next to me? I don’t have fleas you know.” You sat up to address him ,talking quietly in the light buzz of the evening.

“You sure about that Y/N?” Kili chuckled from next to you.

“Oh shut yer face.” He gave a light chuckle again when you playfully threw a stick at him which missed his body by a mile.

“So? What’s all this about?” You said bringing the conversation and focus back to Thorin’s weird actions.

“I…err… jumped for your love.” He said quietly, avoiding eye contact and his usual boisterous commanding personality becoming shy.

“Well jump right in.” You replied slyly a confident and suggestive smirk spreading across your face at the reference and his meaning.

“Can I feel your kisses in the night?” He continued his own smirk spreading across his face at the successful flirting.

“You can.”

You purposefully jumped off of your seat, cupped his face and bought your lips together gently. You would of continued your affections but a repulsed noise came from your left.

“Ugh get a room!” Kili cried giggling slightly and making a point to cover his oh so innocent eyes from you and Thorin.

“We’re in a forest Kils, there are no rooms.” You quipped back grinning before snaking your arms around Thorin’s neck and pulling him in for another leap into love.

Chapter Text

“Can you sing us another one?” Kili asked hopefully where you were both walking in the middle of the company.

Ever since you had mysteriously been transported from your world into one of the wizards and dragons that should be inside a story book, your fellow company members had become fascinated with you and the world that you knew as home.

Today’s fascination was music and songs.

The three dwarves you had become closest to within the group had drained you of every and any song that you could remember the chorus of and listened intently before contributing their thoughts on it. You had never considered yourself the best singer either, so to start with it had all been a bit embarrassing but as the day dragged on you couldn’t care less what they thought of your ability and decided that it was a good distraction.

“Another one, really?” You sighed and Kili, Fili and Bofur proceeded to nod enthusiastically whilst a couple of the other dwarves groaned at the thought of more of your singing. The hiking and small talk clearly enough for them without the racket you were creating.

“Fine then. But this is the last one, you’ve gotten through my whole repertoire.”

You began to hum the tune of the last song you knew, hoping that it’s repetitive melody would be enough for them to never ask for another song.

“I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that’ll get on your nerves and this is how it goes…”


———- Thorin’s POV ———-


At first the song wasn’t so bad, almost endearing and at least it was keeping some of the company’s spirits up. But then it repeated, and repeated, and repeated.

The annoying song kept its promise of getting on my nerves.

I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I also thought she had finished when a burst of laughter came from the small group at the back of the travelling convoy, but I was wrong.

Now some of the others had joined in, taking great pleasure in the grating catchy song. And slowly, one by one, every one was taking part in the repeating tune. Even Dwalin was humming along!

“Mahal forbid if this blasted song carries on any longer I swear I’ll kill them all before the orcs do.” I threatened grumbling about how their joyful shrieking would alert the whole world of their location.

“I doubt you’ll do that considering your affections for her.” Balin chuckled to the side of me, throwing a knowing glance between me and Y/N. “Besides it’s only a bit of fun, you should try it some time.”

Then he faded off behind me to join his brother and the sing-a-long that had overcome my company of hardy respectful and warrior dwarves.

This was it, I couldn’t take it anymore.

The roundabout song was driving me mad. I tried counting to ten, calming down and taking Balin’s words into account but the annoyance the song caused was too much.

“Oh would you just shut the hell up!” I shouted turning around and throwing my hands up in the air, burying them in my hair to avoid strangling something.

A few snickers came but they all stayed silent, biting their knuckles to stifle their laughter.

Later that evening when everyone was settling down for bed and I was preparing to take the first watch I became distracted and surprisingly content.

“I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, get on your nerves get on your nerves. I’ve got a song that’ll get on your nerves…” I absentmindedly sang, poking the fire with a stick.

“And this is how it goes.” I turned around to see Y/N smirking at me as she quietly finished the song.

A confused and annoyed frown fell upon my face that she had caught me singing the song that had me so wound up earlier. She playfully raised an eyebrow at me and grinned.

“Goodnight Thorin.” She whispered and swaggered over to her bedroll where she began talking quietly with my nephews, a few hushed giggles escaping them.

“I don’t think she’s gotten on your nerves at all. More like your heart.” Dwalin grinned before he too left to go to sleep.

“Bloody song.”


Chapter Text


Thorin had and never would love someone as much as he loves you. It was indescribable the feelings and emotions he felt towards you; so much so that even the slightest action, expression or words that you said and did made him grin like a madman and grow butterflies in his stomach. You were his one, and he was yours. 

 Of course, you felt the same way towards him. He was perfect and never failed to make you laugh. It was a common thought amongst your people and family that nothing would ever separate you and that you would stay in each other’s arms forever, blissfully sticking the middle finger up at ‘till death do us part’. His love and compassion towards you made him beg for you to stay in the Blue Mountains and wait for him to return from his quest. 

 "I’m sorry, you’re letting Fili and Kili go with you but you refuse to let your own fiancée join in the fun.“ You poked his chest with a grin but he only sighed and shook his head fondly. 

 "Hey! What are you trying to say?” Fili called from behind Thorin’s shoulder with a smile that only caused you to giggle and his Uncle to chuckle. 

 "I cannot let you come with me to face a dragon Y/N.“ He sighed returning the focus to you. 

 "Dragon? Pfft. That’s nothing compared to babysitting your nephews.” You jested grinning at his eye roll. 

 "Hey!“ Fili called again and you smiled sweetly at him. Kili was too busy faffing around with his bow to realise that he was having the kick taken out with him, but he would’ve had the same smile and reaction that his brother did. 

 "Y/N.” Thorin said sternly when you tried to walk past him but the barrier he made with his arm. 

 "Fine I’ll stay.“ You sighed eventually crossing your arms with the hope he would change his mind at your last act of defiance and rebellion. 

 "Thank you.” He said quietly and shouldered his pack just before giving you a quick kiss to the lips and one to the forehead. 

You kept your face strait to rebel even further but his chuckle only made you join in and pass a smile. You set down your pack that you had prepared and pretended to de-load all your luggage to show that you would stay as he asked. 

 Thorin began to walk away from you with a soft smile at his lips, ignoring the whines coming from his now fully ready nephews about how they were leaving 'Auntie Y/N’ behind and that now the quest wasn’t going to be any fun at all. They both glanced at you briefly with sad expressions but the mischievous wink you have them made them grin when they knew what you were up to and trotted along after there Uncle like nothing was wrong. 

 You quietly picked up your pack and flung it onto your back smiling at Dis who only smirked back. After a short while you began to follow the small company into the forest and caught up with them, meeting Fili and Kili’s backward glance. 

 "Come on let’s go!“ You shouted as you barrelled past Thorin in a fit of excitement at going on a quest. 

 "Hey I told you to stay!” Thorin scolded raising an eyebrow at you but your sweet smile kept one on his. 

 "Well I’m here now. Don’t make me go back. Please?“ You begged putting on your best puppy dog eyes and making a show of fiddling with your courting braid.

 "Oh fine.” He grumbled but he could never be angry at you for long.

 "Yes!“ You cheered and ran up to hug him. 

"Love you honey.” You placed a small kiss on his cheek before running to join your soon to be nephews on the quest to kill a dragon.

“You’re so soft when it comes to her.” Dwalin grumbled to the side of Thorin but he only shrugged. 

 "Oh you’re just jealous brother. You don’t know what it feels like to be in love. Besides, she’ll make a wonderful queen.“ Balin said from Thorin’s other side. 

"And why would I be jealous?" 

 "Because she’s perfect.” Thorin whispered and moved to take the lead of the part of six, off to the Shire to meet with the rest of the company, a wizard and a burglar. 

 You had successfully picked up your burglar, despite destroying his home in the process and him not coming and then coming, and were now well on your way. At first you had maybe scoffed at the thought of the hobbit going off to face a dragon but then you realised that him and the rest of the company probably thought the same about you. So when you were settling down for the night in one of his rooms you made sure to tell Thorin off for being so rude towards him and that he was probably a very nice person that should be given a chance. 

 Now though you were in Bree spending the night in the Prancing Pony, drinking the night away with ale and laughing your lungs out of your body. You were chuckling along with Bofur, Nori, Kili and Fili when Thorin told you he was going to the toilet. You nodded and got back to the joking conversation you were having, mostly at the younger princes expense who eventually stormed (or rather staggered) away from the table because of your teasing. 

“I think I’m gonna get some fresh air.” You stretched out your back after finishing your fourth pint of ale. 

You were not a lightweight and could hold your drink well so you were only feeling slightly tipsy. The lads continued their laughter as you walked out of the tavern and into the quiet street, the sounds of alcohol only just seeping through the walls and into the night. 

The sky was clear with a few stars scattering it’s darkness and lighting a path. You began to walk down the street to stretch out your muscles and enjoy the privilege of being alone. Spending all day and night with a group of men wasn’t hard exactly for you had Thorin and your soon to be family, but after a while you missed the privacy and the freedom of being a woman without feeling slightly awkward about it. 

 As you mindlessly plodded along the cobbled road breathing in the cool night air and watching lights turn on and on, you thought about how lucky you were. You were lucky to have a fiancé like Thorin, to have the life that you do and to have the new life to look forward to. 

 After a short while you turned around and slowly made your way back to the tavern, losing a battle with a yawn and rubbing your eyes to stop them from watering. The side of the Prancing Pony, that was purely made up of rooms to stay in, was dark as you walked towards it. So when one of the rooms lanterns was lit it caught your attention. You didn’t want to feel like you were invading someone’s privacy, for they were probably seeking some like you were, but you couldn’t help but watch as two figures walked into the room, one male and one female.

The male was walking backwards into the room whilst the female was following him, closing the door behind her with her foot and pulling the man in for a kiss. That was when you began to notice certain familiarities on the male just by looking at the back of him. 

 He had dark black hair like Thorin’s. 

 A regal navy blue tunics like Thorin’s that had been exposed by the female as she slowly undid the lace at the front. 

 Guessing from his height and stature, he was a dwarf like Thorin. 

 And oh mahal he had the Durin sigil and royal pattern embellished into his clothes… Like Thorin. 

 You clapped a hand to your mouth as realisation struck and you watched the par tumble onto the bed in a tangle of limbs and kisses. You forced yourself to not have a breakdown but you crumbled to the floor despite yourself. Your mind was racing but in the end all you could do was cry and bite your hand to stop yourself from wailing into the night. 

 How could he? After everything he said to you? About how much he loves you? After the engagement? How could Thorin do that to you?  

It had been a hard night. And an even harder week. You had tried to act like everything was normal and that you hadn’t witnessed anything, but it was seriously testing your mentality. You didn’t want to sacrifice the quest and the atmosphere with an argument. After all, you and Thorin never argued, so if you did it was likely to kick off big time. But holding down your feelings and hurt was hard, particularly when he seemed completely normal and oblivious to the fact that you knew and it killed you inside when he tried to show you any form of affection. 

 This was one of those moments. 

Bombur had just made dinner for the company and you had collected a few ladels worth of stew into your wooden bowl. You sighed, once again racking your brain for any advice you could give yourself for speaking out about it to one of the company members was not going to happen. Thorin had sat next to you and instantly your neck bristled and you fingers tightened around your spoon. You never thought you could love and hate someone at the same time, but it seemed you had proved yourself wrong. 

 He leant in for a kiss but you turned your head so his lips pressed against your cheek instead of your mouth. This little sign of rejection was enough to make him question.

“Y/N? What’s wrong? You’ve seemed kind of 'off’ this past week. Are you hurt?” He asked quietly watching as you completely avoided eye contact and instead stared straight ahead. 

 "Nothing’s wrong.“ You said a bit more defensively than you hoped for you did not want to get into it now. All you wanted to do was go to bed and forget about what you saw him do, become engulfed in dreams. 

 "Y/N I’m not stupid.” He proved further causing more frustration to build inside you. “Come on, what’s your problem?" 

"What’s my problem?” You exclaimed. 'So much for keeping it quiet’ you thought, mentally slapping yourself but you had started now so you were going to finish it. 

“Yes, what’s your problem?” Thorin asked his voice beginning to raise and gaining the attention of the company. 

 "My problem is that my fiancé slept with some whore!“ You shouted getting angry, but it felt good to let it out. 

What you said took Thorin by surprise though, along with the rest of the company whose eyebrows all shot up. 

 "What?” Thorin asked his voice quieter again, a slight chuckle tinting his voice at the news of his escapade. 

 "I saw you Thorin! Back in the Prancing Pony in Bree. I saw you kiss her, let her remove your clothes and fall onto the bed with her. I saw you! Don’t lie to me Thorin, please.“ Everyone’s eyes widened at the detail and some stared at Thorin in disbelief and almost disgust that he would do such a cruel thing.

Everyone stared at the showdown unable to speak or interfere. Kili however placed a hand over one side of his face and looked away, his eyes practically popping out of his head at the story he knew all too well. 

"Y/N that’s not true. It wasn’t me I swear. I love you, you of all people know that.” He tried to reason with you but you had had it. 

 "If you loved me you wouldn’t have sneaked off with her in the first place! And how dare you try and say that to me! Why should I believe a word you say after what I saw? After the lies?“ You were stood now, letting all your bottled up emotions out in one angry burst. You thought tears would come but they didn’t, they were busy welling up in Thorin’s eyes. 

 "Y/N please, I swear -" 

 "Swear all you bloody like Thorin. I’m glad you don’t love me because I hate you.” You spat, venom dripping from every word. 

 "You don’t mean that…“ Thorin said quietly a tear slipping down his face at the reality of your words. At the pure poison in them. 

 "No I do. I hate you!” And with that you threw your bowl down, ripped the courting bead from your hair and stormed into the forest leaving the camp with an awkward tension as they watched you leave. 

 As soon as you were gonna and silence settled, tears began to stream down Thorin’s face in hot rivers. No one knew what to do. They had never seen him cry. Even when he was suffering injuries or grief he did not cry. But now, Thorin Oakenshield was weeping as he slumped down, burying his face in his hands so muffle his sobs. 

 Surprisingly it was Bilbo who sat down next to him and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder. 

 "I’ve lost her. I’ve ruined everything and I haven’t even done anything wrong.“ He cried bringing his face out of his hands enough to speak. 

 "Was it you though? I mean with the girl?” Bilbo asked tentatively, being very careful to try and stay out of the firing line. 

 "No! No. It wasn’t. I’d never do that to her you know that.“ He cried and leant into Bilbo slightly. 

 "We know you wouldn’t. You love her more than life.” Dwalin spoke up, his usually gruff voice sounding out of place with the soft tone. “I don’t know why she would think that you’d do that." 

 Kili awkwardly shuffled on the log and forced himself to look at his uncle, guilt spreading through him like wildfire. 

"I err.. Might know something about that.” Everyone turned to look at him with a mixture of confusion, relief and suspicion on their faces. 

 "Well?“ Balin asked and Kili flicked from looking at the older dwarf back to his uncle who was now showing his tear stained face and was staring expectantly at him, waiting for an answer along with the rest of the group. 

 "It may, or may not have been me that she saw.” He swallowed and shut his eyes tight to try and avoid any embarrassment and further guilt. Fili groaned in despair next to him along with the rest of the company. 

 "You are such an idiot sometimes.“ His brother sighed, clapping a hand to his head in exasperation. 

 "You what?” Thorin asked, completely unsure of if he should be thankful that he was in fact telling the truth or if he should smack his nephew upside the head for possibly ruining his life. 

 "Umm. Sorry?“ Kili tried, cringing at how bad the situation must look but at least his Uncle’s loyalty wouldn’t be questioned. 

 "Sort this out right now.”

Chapter Text


“May I take your bowls?” You held your hand out to take the now empty bowls of stew from the two Princes. 

 "Yes you can.“ Kili smiled and had the same twinkle in his eye that you always saw. 

 They gratefully handed you their bowls and you raised an eyebrow at Fili’s grin, wondering what he was planning. He didn’t give you much time too though as when you stepped away to collect the rest of the company’s bowls his foot shot out and sent you to the ground in an unladylike sprawl of body and bowl.

 "Y/N, as graceful as always.” Balin chuckled heartily from the other side of the fire. 

 "You truly do know how to be elegant.“ Nori teased and you giggled, sitting up and letting the bowls slide off you and onto the floor. 

 "Princess material.” Bofur laughed along with the rest of the group, even Thorin cracked a small smile at your innocent and sweet ditsiness. 

 "Princess…“ Kili mumbled softly smiling at you in the Amber glow of the fire. 

You had no idea why the nickname Kili had given you stuck but it became habit now and you didn’t question it. Of course, it was all in reference to your clumsiness and how badly you would fulfill the role of an actual princess but you were able to laugh at yourself so it did not bother you. 

 "He’s smitten isn’t he.” Dwalin said quietly, addressing only his brother and his leader as he spoke, listening to the laughter that rang out from the rest of the company. 

 "I do believe so.“ Balin smiled. It had been a month or so since you had tripped and Kili’s affection for you had become more and more obvious while you remained none the wiser.

 "Hey princess! Do you remember when…” Kili called from across the group unaware of the three watching and listening to the conversation. 

 "She would make a wonderful one wouldn’t she.“ Balin remarked and the other two looked at him in confusion. 

 "A wonderful what?” Thorin asked and turned back to watch his grinning nephew. 

 "Princess.“ "Aye she would be. She’s a good natured lass and kind hearted. Despite her clumsiness and unladylike manners I do believe the people would love her.” Thorin hummed in agreement with his two friends and advisors, knowing full well that Y/N would be a wonderful dwarven princess. 

“But does she know that?" 

 "Of course she doesn’t. I never said she was smart." 

 "Why do you tease me Kee?” You asked with a grin, not actually bothered by the nickname but simply curious. 

 "Because you can take it.“ He grinned back softly knowing that he was not causing you offence even if he wanted too - which with his current attraction towards you would never happen. 

 "No I mean the nickname.” You smiled and mockingly rolled your eyes. “You call me Princess and Fili calls me Sister? What’s that about you want me to be your twin?” You grinned again, you now being the one to tease, and this time it was him that rolled his eyes with a smile. 

“Fili! I told you not too!” He shouted with a smile but his older brother only laughed. 

 "What! I thought it would help but she doesn’t catch on very quickly.“ The blonde shouted back but turned it to normal volume as he sat beside you. 

"What do I need to catch on too now?” You whined trying to put your sternest face on but a smile broke through at even the sight of the two brothers, in particular Kili who always made you grin along side him. 

 "That I don’t want you as a blood related sister…“ Fili said inclining his head as your brain wrapped your head around it despite the time taking you to do so. Eventually as the cogs worked at the riddle he had given you taking everything into account along with a series of confused faces go help your endeavor the penny finally dropped and you gasped turning to Kili who had another stupid and suggestive grin on his face. 

"There it is.” Fili pointed out triumphantly at your realization. 

 "Wait she finally worked it out!?“ Bombur called and the company cheered with bags of coins being thrown to one another soon after. 

 "So let me get this straight.” You said, still not sure if your eventual assumption was correct or if they were only messing with you further. “ you want me to become the princess -" 

 "To my prince.” Kili finished for you and symmetrical grins passed across your faces. 

 "But I’m not royal at all? I’m just a ranger. It wouldn’t be proper -“ You furrowed your brow at him frowning still slightly suspicious. 

 "It doesn’t matter.” You both looked up to see Thorin with a small smile. “To hell with proper. If you two are happy then you go be happy, screw politics and law; we’ve been through enough suffering and I’ll be more than happy to have you as a niece Y/N.” You were surprised at Thorin’s caring and acceptance of you and your future relationship with Kili. 

 "Besides, Dis will love you so she’ll make sure you find a way into this family no matter how difficult.“ Thorin smirked and there were murmurs of agreement spreading through the group. 

 "Thank you Thorin.” You smiled and then turned back to Kili who was waiting with a smile of his own. 

 "Hey Princess!“ Bofur called with a mischievous smirk. "Try not to fall at the ceremony!" 

 "That was Fili’s fault!” You called back throwing your hand up and playfully smacking said blonde dwarf on the arm. 

“It’s okay Princess.” Kili began gaining your attention and leaning in close enough to brush lips. “I’ll catch you." 

 It was barely a whisper but it didn’t matter, nothing mattered at that moment except his lips kissing yours with silent passion louder than thunder.

Chapter Text


Sexual Tension.

That was what came to mind when you thought of the quest, well and realisation and a bunch of other meaningful spiritual stuff if you decided to get into that. But no, sexual tension was the main thing you thought of. 

The quest hadn’t been what you’d expected it too be. If we’re talking honesty here, it had been a bit of a bumpy ride. With death threatening every minute and a wizard that liked to leave whenever you needed him most, it had, overall, been alright and somewhat of a laugh. 

You had come along on the adventure per request of Fili and Kili, oh and the fact that despite being ‘a girl’ you were pretty damn good at beating people to death with weapons. And, frankly, your arrival and involvement had caused a stir within the rest of the company but they quickly moved their doubts and comments on to the poor grocer/burglar hobbit.

And this is where the sexual tension comes in.

You see, your personal, spiritual and mental discovery upon the path to righteousness and cleansing of the soul- or more accurately: your grubby, unorganised battle of a quest, had become a rather stereotypical love story when it came to you. 

Ever since you could remember you had know the two brothers. You had grown up with them and they saw you as a sister, sometimes more of a brother as you were not the most ladylike of females and were not afraid to get stuck in or rough it in the wild. 

Fili was the oldest of your trio and therefore was constantly having to bail you and Kili out of trouble from the constant pranks you pulled. But not once had there been any sort of affection other than friend or family. Maybe it was because you were young and you didn’t have a grasp over what love was and meant, or maybe it was because you were subconsciously denying it as you didn’t want to put a friendship at stake. 

Anyhow that didn’t matter now as after the incident with the trolls - when the three of you may have accidentally missed a giant mountain troll stealing ponies whilst you were busy trying to play Bilbo’s conker game - you and Kili also may have completely, totally, absolutely accidentally kissed. Even if it had been by blindly walking into each other and then repeating it throughout the journey without the walking and mild head injuries. 

And then after a few more death wish moments, a regular scowl and reprimand from Thorin despite the smile hidden behind his eyes, and the releasing of a pissed off dragon you found yourself preparing for war.

Thorin had stupidly decided to choose war instead of giving back an ugly necklace and a bit of treasure to an elf and a fisherman. What was he thinking? To be fair his minds a bit poorly at the moment but still, sometimes you find it hard to believe you’re going to be related to him.

“Y/N what are you doing? We’re meant to be preparing for battle.” Kili stood in the doorway looking at you half suited up in his armor.

“I am.”

“By doing your hair?” He asked quizzically, twisting his head like a dog to watch you braid your hair away.

“Yep. Never know who might be out there, wanna make sure I look good in case I find a better fiancé candidate.” You grinned as you teased him and stood up to give him a small kiss after fastening your hair.

“How are you so calm and relaxed right now? Aren’t you scared?" 

"Not really. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” You shrugged completely unaffected by your possible impending doom. “You get hurt, hurt em back. You get killed, walk it off.”

This gained a small shared chuckle at your complete lack of care.

“Seriously though, you might die and you’re not even bothered?" 

"If I die it’s not like I can do anything except sit up there and wish I hadn’t been stupid enough to get killed. The only thing I’m bothered about is being separated from you.” You said from within a chest you were rummaging around in.

“But what if you die and I don’t? Then we’ll be separated.” He stated pointing out the flaw in your so far good logic, Kili finding himself being calmed from the conversation as it served as a slight distraction.

“Well then, if you’re close enough to me whilst I’m dying I’ll kill you so we can stay together. And if you’re nowhere to be seen then you can find some other girl to marry who will most likely be a much better member of a royal family than I. Although probably a lot more dull and boring.” You pulled your head out of the box long enough to give him a smirk and to see the eye roll he gave you.

“Well I’m glad I have your consent to marry straight after your death.” He whirled back, enjoying the banter you shared that broke through the tense and nervous atmosphere surrounding the mountain whilst a muffled battle clashed from outside the rocky walls.

“Yeah but I’ll fucking haunt you if its an elf.”

“Point taken.”

“Hey look another mithril shirt!” You exclaimed pulling out of the large oak chest and holding it out in front of you. “We should give it to Thorin.”

“Hey what about me! Don’t tell me you did your hair all fancy for my uncle.” He teased playfully and you walked out of the room and down towards the main entrance and congregation of dwarves

“No I’m doing it like that for Azog.” You sneered back, stealing another quick kiss. “In all seriousness though, Thorin is the most likely to die out of all of us. Remember the Eagles? And besides he already gave his to Bilbo for some reason.”

“I think they’re in love." 

"Probably. Anyway I’ve got to find some armor otherwise I will end up dead and unable to walk it off.”

After one last quick kiss you scuttled off to find some sort of protection that would fit you, a sword and a bunch of other 'emergency’ weapons and helped raise a massive, heavy golden bell just so you could make a cool entrance.

So far, so good.

You weren’t dead and as far as you knew none of the company were. War sucked though and your mood had been dramatically dampened by it despite having just ridden a goat. Your whole body ached and with various injuries all you wanted to do was sleep, to sit down and forget what was happening. But the adrenaline and survival instinct kept you going.

Bolg was dead after you and the elf Prince tag teamed him and ended up both embedding your daggers into his skull and chest. It was a good feeling. One of satisfaction but also relief that he had died but the isolation from your kin and company worried you and your ran back towards Raven Hill to look for them.

It was now not going so well.

You stood on a frozen lake across from where Azog had pinned Thorin down and had a blade pointing at the dwarf kings chest.

Without thinking you grabbed a rock what running towards them and threw it hard at the orcs head watching as it bounced off it.

“Hey Frosty!” You shouted mockingly swallowing all your fear and standing your ground as he slowly turned his head to glare at you. This was when you realised you were out of ideas and had nothing else to say so instead you now pulled a knife out to throw having it imbed in his Shoulder to the hilt. “You’re a bitch!”

He growled and leapt off of Thorin in anger, the dwarf rolling onto his side and gasping at the release. Azog began to run towards you and your mind now blank of plans simply told you to run so you did and the great chase began. Well I say the great chase but it was technically just Azog storming after you as you ran squealing around in circles until he suddenly grew a brain cell and cut you off, now throwing you to the ground.

“Any last words scum?” He hissed at you and you glanced behind him to see Thorin slowly walking up with a sword in hand, nodding to you to cause a distraction.

“Yes actually.” Wriggling underneath him whilst blabbering on to buy you and Thorin time. 

“First of all your breath stinks but you have truly beautiful eyes I mean look at them! Damn you must get all the ladies. Also thanks for the party and the send off, at least I’m not gonna be alone in the waiting room so thanks for getting some people for me to talk too. Secondly I was just wondering how your pet dog is because he was pretty cute and you had the whole matching albino thing going on. And lastly, do you like my hair?” You raised an eyebrow and smirked at the look of utter bafflement and confusion on his face at your lack of fear.

“What?” Was the last thing he managed to say before Thorin’s blade swung and removed his head from his shoulders. You sighed heavily in relief and rolled out from underneath the orcs limp body to lie flat on the floor, relishing in the feeling of inactivity and as much relaxation as you could find.

“Thanks Thorin.” You whispered as he knelt down beside you, closing his eyes.

“That was the most reckless, idiotic and crazy thing you’ve ever done!” He shouted and you winced slightly at his slightly sharp tone. “But it was also courageous, selfless and incredibly brave thing anyone has ever done. You saved my life, so thank you.”

“You wouldn’t of died you had the mithril shirt on remember?” You said back enjoying this small break from the madness that continued at the foot of the mountain.

“Oh yeah. But then why did you ho me?”

“Because your face doesn’t have mithril on it Thorin. And I forgot." 

"You could’ve died though.”

“But I didn’t, besides I totally knew what I was doing.”

“You are pretty good at distractions I must say.”

“It’s my one and only talent.” You smirked back and a small fit of giggles overcame the two of you as they realised just how silly that whole situation was.

“Y/N! THORIN!” You turned your head to see both Fili and Kili alive and running towards you.

Standing up you raced over to them and Kili picked you up spinning you around in a tight hug before setting you down on the floor again.

“I thought you were dead Y/N! I heard your screaming and I thought the worst, I’m so so glad!” You leaned in for a bloodstained kiss and soon the rest of the company was turning up on the ice all sharing relief at everyone’s survival. 

“So… He’s finally dead.” Bilbo pointed towards Azog’s decapitated body and some mini cheers rippled around the group at the end of the Orc.

“Well done Thorin.” Gloin patted him on the back and a round of praise and small applause for their leader followed.

“Oh it’s not me who you should be giving credit too. Without Y/N I may be dead and Azog still be alive.” Everyone turned to look at you in surprise including Kili who had his arm tightly wrapped around your shoulder.

“What? How?” Dwalin spluttered completely confused at the news.

“Oh you should have seen it! She came up with the best distraction and 'last words’ ever.” Thorin smiled finally finding peace an clearly having found your fiasco amusing looking back at it.

“Huh?” Kili asked needing more explanation of how you saved the day.

“He didn’t like my hair.”

Chapter Text


You rubbed your eyes, staring into the fire to try and halt the sleep creeping over your mind. You turned your head to look at Thorin whose head was beginning to lull from his personal lack of sleep.

“You know, you can go to bed Thorin.” You whispered and he shook his head to look at you.

“No. I’m fine.” You rolled your eyes at his stubbornness and turned back to look at the hypnotic flames.

“You push yourself too much.” You didn’t need to look at him to see the quizzical and almost offended face he was pulling at you. 

“Go to bed I can take out shift by myself.”

“I don’t. And I’m perfectly fine thank you.” Once again you scoffed at his pride and silence fell upon you and the camp again.

Being the early morning there wasn’t much noise except Bomburs snoring, bugs and the occasional animal further within the forest.You rolled back to stargaze, the fire’s glow flickering across your features as fireflies danced above your head, each one aspiring to join the night sky. 

You yawned as you let peace fall over you and Thorin scoffed, breaking the serenity that you were in.“Maybe you should go to bed.” He teased a groggy smile finding its way through his beard. 

You flicked your head in the grass to look at him just in time to watch as the contagious yawn spread across his features. You giggled at his unintentional hypocrisy and he found himself joining in and sighing, rolling down to join you in your bed of grass.

“Seriously when was the last time you slept. You took the whole night last night.” You pointed out and then literally began pointing at the constellations, his hand moving to brush yours in the grass. 

It was not a secret that you both had affections for each other but you choose to keep them hidden and simply enjoy being together without the commitment. Neither of you had time to court anyone because your lives were so busy and with the quest it simply was not a good time. But the connection was still there.

“It’s my duty to look after the company.”

“It’s your duty to look after yourself. We can all handle taking shifts, even Fili and Kili aren’t that hopeless.” You giggled slightly to match his hushed chuckles.

“I know that. It’s just, if anything were to happen-" 

"It wouldn’t be your fault.” You finished, rolling onto your side to look at him in the starlight, his hair splayed out and his eyes closed in peaceful content. 

“It would be the idiots on watch’s fault. Besides nothing will happen.” Comfortable silence fell upon you again as you snuggled closer to him, gazing at the sky in wonder, a soft smile plastered to your face. Your eyes threatened to droop again and you realized how slow your shift seemed to be going.“

What’s the time?” You queried, noting how long it seemed you and Thorin had been on watch.

“Ooh I reckon about half four.” He mumbled sighing with exhausted content.

“Thorin!” You shouted although it was hushed by a whisper. “We were meant to take the first watch not the whole thing!”

“I lost track of time.” Was his lame excuse.

“No this is not okay. I’m waking Nori and Bofur, you’re going to bed.” You forced yourself to stand, shaking off his hand and walking over to your two snoozing targets. “You can’t not sleep for two days straight, you’ll become ill and then you’ll be just as much use to us as your nephews!”

Lightly shaking the two dwarves awake you walked back over to Thorin and dragged him over to his bedroll setting him down. “Sleep.” You commanded and he rolled his eyes but laid down with a smile and quickly dozed off, you doing the same in your own bedroll.

The next morning came too quickly and you woke to the smell of breakfast, smoldering fire and chirping birds. You stretched out and sat up yawning. The rest of the company were bustling about the camp groggily, rubbing sleep out of their eyes and you got up to join them. Thorin looked as though he was about to drop dead, slowly lifting a piece of bread to his mouth as if the action took up all his body’s energy. 

Clambering over your things and kicking off a cloth that had attached itself to your foot, you grabbed some cold stew from Bombur and sat down next to Fili and Kili. You zoned out, completely forgetting the bowl in your hand as you stated at a leaf mindlessly.

“Y/N?” You were called back to the present and away from the leaf by the two princes who were both giving you strange looks.

“Tired?” Kili asked almost knowingly giving you a suggestive look which you frowned at, blowing away his dirty assumptions.

“Yes. Your idiot Uncle decided that we would stay on watch till sunrise.” You grumbled shooting Thorin a short glare which he didn’t notice as, like you, he had completely spaced out on a tree. “And no before you say anything, we were just sitting.”

Kili almost moaned as if his fun had been taken away from him, which it kind of had been as he enjoyed to poke fun and tease you about his uncle.

“Well, have fun riding today.” Fili grinned as you groaned and shoved your face into your hands.

It was taking all your willpower to stay lively and talkative on the ride. Your pony, Savage, trudging along beneath you through the mud seemed almost as tired as you. You could hear the others chatting merrily around you but it was almost muffled from your lack of energy.

‘Oh just because you actually got a decent night sleep doesn’t mean you can shove it in my face!’

Your mind seemed to rant and you groaned for the umpteenth time but chuckled slightly at the voice. You always managed to make yourself laugh no matter how vain or arrogant that might sound.But no matter, you were still faring a lot better then Mr Night Owl himself. 

Thorin was practically falling asleep from the lulling and rocking movement his pony, Petal, was creating. His head was hung low and his posture limp as he followed Petal’s movement, swaying side to side.You crooked your head at him like a dog would, and watched as his swinging became more violent and his weight seemed to shift sideways in his saddle. Slowly the rest of his body seemed to follow and he slipped off, crashing to the muddy forest floor with a thump.

The company fell silent as they looked on in shock as their majestic leader scrambled around in the dirt, slipping and falling into his face with a groan and a fair number of muffled obscenities. You could hear Fili and Kili trying their best to stifle their laughter with a fist but ended up breaking into booming cackles at their normally serious and respectable uncle. The company’s traveling train had halted but you rode through the dwarves to the front and the heap of dwarf; chuckling lightly along the way before halting beside him and hopping off.

“Nice nap?” You grinned and threw your hand down to help him up. 

“Very funny.” He grumbled back, scrambling to his feet and trying to pretend like nothing happened but the wall of eyes made his cheeks flush pink with embarrassment. He went to climb back into his pony but you grabbed his coat and turned him around.

“Nope. You’re riding with me.” You said sternly and he looked at you like you’d grown another head.

“Y/N I can manage, I’m not a child.” He replied, a slight annoyance that you were dragging out his embarrassment longer.You raised your eyebrows at him in exasperation. 

“Do you want to fall off again?”

“No.” He mumbled.

“Right then. Get on, your not taking a shift for at least two days.”

“Who put you in charge.”

“I did. Seeing as your too tired to be up for the job. Dwalin, can you lead please.” You smirked as you helped Thorin’s un-energetic body onto the back of your pony before climbing on in front of him.

“Aye, can do.” Dwalin replied with a smile and spurred the company back into motion.

You felt Thorin wrap his arms around your waist and push his head into your shoulder. You joined the convoy at a leisurely pace and Thorin sighed behind you in content, his arms lightly squeezing you.

“Thank you.” He whispered, choosing to ignore the giggles from his nephews riding behind you.

“Ah, the majestic, noble Thorin Oakenshield,” you grinned feeling his own smile “can’t even ride a pony."You giggled quite pleased with yourself and the huff coming from your passenger.

"I take that thanks back.” He muttered although he didn’t seem angry or even irked by your comment, simply relaxed being able to hold you and sit back for once.

“Was the ground comfy?”


“Seriously though, what did you expect?”

“Shh. I’m trying to sleep.” He whispered making you giggle slightly and shake your head with a smile.

“You do know you’re meant to sleep at night. It’s generally a thing normal people do.”

“Shut yer face.”

“Try not to fall off, you’ll bring me down with you.”

“I’ll try not too.”

“You’re never going to let me forget this are you?” He mumbled, needed sleep beginning to swamp him.“

Course not.”

“Damn it.”

“It was your own fault.”

“I know, but this is pretty comfy so I guess it was worth it.” He grinned chuckling as you face palmed and your body shook with silent giggles.


Chapter Text


‘Do you, Thorin Oakenshield take this banana to be your lawfully wedded wife?’ Balin asked, looking up from the actually empty book to address the couple.

Thorin looked even more regal than usual in his royal blue robes and golden crown. His wife however, was gorgeous. Despite being a completely inanimate object and being placed on the floor so she was the height of Thorin’s feet, she still managed to look stunning. There was something about the way she was led on the stone, only a label covering her. You sighed in content and looked over at your two other bridesmaids.

Fili and Kili had matching silver dresses the same as yours and you were each holding a small bouquet of rainbow flowers. They were each smiling giddily and whilst Fili was transfixed on the couple, Kili was mindlessly swaying in his dress, fascinated by the way the skirt twirled and swished around him. Usually you would’ve laughed at the brothers and Thorin for marrying a banana and continuously smiling lovingly at the fruit on the floor; but it all felt so right, so natural.

Looking around the forest tree church structure that you were inside, you saw the rest of the company and the various outfits that adorned them. Dwalin was the stand out, with his fuchsia pink dress and flamboyant mesh hat to match along with a green handkerchief to wipe away his tears. Bilbo was sat next to him with Bofur clinging to the poor hobbit and crying as much as Dwalin was, his floppy hat adorned with flowers and a variety of colours.

'You may now kiss the bride.’

You watched in uncontrollable awe as Thorin knelt down and moved into a press up position, slowly lowering himself to kiss the yellow skin of the fruit. 

He smiled against his bride before pushing himself back up and received a round of applause from you and the company along with more tears from a variety of dwarves and a disgruntled hobbit muttering something about how it should’ve been him marrying Thorin instead of a banana.

You woke in a giggle fit. Finding yourself within the comfort of the night sky instead of a forest chapel and the peaceful silence currently being broken by your snickering laughter.  Luckily for you, and unluckily for your lungs and stomach, the main man from your unconscious fantasy was blankly staring at you from across camp, only feeding your own fire more.

“What happened?” He asked dryly, seemingly not bothered about your guffaws waking up the rest of the company, and/or attracting unwanted visitors.

You tried to reply but looking at him only reminded you of the dream and caused you to laugh more. He slyly raised an eyebrow at you, shaking his head slightly, although with fondness. Eventually your laughter fizzled out into occasional giggles and snorts.

Wiping your eyes, you tried to speak as casually and normally as you could. “Just a weird dream.”

He faked his understanding with an exaggerated 'Ah’ and a slow nod.
You spent a short while in silence, both resorting to looking into the fire from your different positions within the Shire clearing.

You pushed your blanket off of your lap and stood up, stretching your back out. Trudging over to him to slump down next to him you noticed the side wards glance he sent you. In the real world you had always found it hard to tell what he was thinking. Thorin barely ever showed his emotion with only a handful of smiles and find looks being dominated by the hard gruff expression and glares. 

The look he gave you could be either curiosity and a smile, or he could be thinking of fun and interesting ways to murder you; something you expected he thought of a lot.

“So what was this dream about?” He asked quietly, providing you with acknowledging eye contact yet the tone remained monotone, only a tinge of interest available.

You struggled with the concept of confessing the context and characters of your dream, prominently featuring him. After stalling and 'umming’ for a while you decided to do what he did best and stay silent, keeping it a secret; for now anyway.

“You know what, it doesn’t really matter. You probably don’t wanna know.”
He smirked to himself, making himself laugh slightly causing you to stare at him in confusion.

“What? What’s so funny?” You scowled, unsure if he was laughing at you or not.

“Oh nothing.” He stated, considering to do what you did and keep it hidden 

“Your just a really bad liar.”

“Fine I’ll tell you.” You rolled your eyes, rubbed your temples and muttered before deciding where to start.

“So basically you were getting married to…a banana.” You paused for his initial reaction, which consisted of blank silence before continuing with the basics of the story “but the banana wasn’t humanised or anything it was just a banana. Me Fili and Kili were bridesmaids, Dwalin was crying and Bilbo was complaining.”

You wrapped up the synopsis and waited for him to react. To speak. To shout at you. To do something! But no, he stayed quiet. His face contorted in contemplation as he stared past you, trying to work out what he just heard. And eventually he looked back up at you with wide eyes.

“I married… a banana?” He questioned, seemingly afraid of the answer.


This time he turned his head away from you to think. His emotionless face staring into the distance and you looked at him, once again waiting for a scold. But to your surprise he began snickering. It was quite and selfish to start with but his giggles began to increase in volume. You watched in mild confusion and shock as he began laughing as much as you did, earning some sleepy grumbles from a few of the dwarves. You had almost thought he’d gone mad, but you realised that’s how you must’ve looked so you shrugged it off.

“You are funny sometimes.” He snickered whilst his laughter subsided.

“Thank you?”


“And you’re not making this up?” He asked hopeful that it was the truth.


“No. I’m a bad liar remember.”


“Oh that is perfect. You know that’s made my day thank you.”


“Okay, have I broken you?” You were now becoming concerned at his overall relaxed and happy state.


“Well clearly we both are.” You hummed at the truth of his statement, considering how you were the one to have the dream in the first place.

You both enjoyed the comfort of the silent forest for a while, letting sleep creep back up on you. A yawn surprised you and you rubbed your sleep deprived eyes, forcing them open again.

“Well I think I’m gonna hit the hay again.”

“Let me know about Fili’s pear wedding in the morning!” He exclaimed, smirking again at the dry look you gave him.“

"Why? Do you wanna come?” You teased back but he only nodded enthusiastically. “Night”

One Year Later

“'Do you, Thorin Oakenshield, take this bride to be your lawfully wedded wife?’ Balin asked, looking up from the actually empty book to address the couple.

“I do.”

“And do you, Y/N, take this groom to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

The wedding was absolutely gorgeous. White roses were placed were the torch sconces usually sat and colourful drapes decorated the stone walls of Erebor’s main hall. You smiled uncontrollably, looking around at the grinning faces and the tears of some of the more burly dwarves. Sadly, your future nephews were not the bridesmaids despite your desperate attempts to persuade them into a dress. But they were stood beside you none the less, mischievous smirks adorning their rosy cheeks and looking smarter and cleaner than you had ever seen them.

The war had taken its toll on the outside world, grief and loss was everywhere after the battle. But this wedding. Your wedding. It was like a little bit of sunshine that made its way through the sickness and the darkness of the world, bringing hope to the people of Erebor. You almost got lost in thought of how much the wedding meant, not only to you and Thorin but to everyone. It also managed to bring stability to the kingdom, giving the opportunity to start again.

“I do.”

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Thorin leaned forward and kissed you, slowly, reverently, no longer quite so surprised that this was happening, that he wanted you so badly. You met his lips, reaching for the familiar softness, grinning against him against your will.

The applause and whistles that came from the company pulled you away from each other although you stayed close. Thorin pressed his forehead against yours gently, closing his eyes in content, running his fingers through your hair.

“I’m bananas about you.” He whispered and you chuckled slightly, only opening your eyes again to face the world as one.

Chapter Text

“Hey Bofur!” You called as the company was finishing setting up camp. He looked up from the fire and smiled, signalling for you to continue with whatever it is you wanted. “What date is it?”

“It’s the eighteenth.” He called back, standing up from his position as ‘fire poker’.

“Of August?” Once again shouting across the clearing, earning a few grumbles from some of the older dwarves.

“Yeah! Why do you ask?”

“Do you two mind shouting elsewhere?” Thorin grumbled but you dismissed him with a hand wave, too busy smiling your face off to take notice of his grumpy disdain.

“Oh no reason!” You grinned and scurried off, practically squealing with joy.

There was a reason. In fact it was a pretty important and big reason, not that you’d tell any of the company.

“What was she so happy about? She’s never asked the date before.” Bofur frowned in confusion, he didn’t overly enjoy riddles or having secrets kept from him. Although despite his preference of a simple and uncomplicated life he still stayed optimistic and happy, almost to the point of annoyance.

“It’s her Birthday tomorrow.” Bilbo shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. The rest of the company turned to stare at him as if he was insane, having not noticed his presence behind them or his participation in the matter.

“What?” Fili asked, needing clarification of the simple statement. Bilbo rolled his eyes at the multiple pairs on him, all showing the same confusion and shock as the blonde.

“Y/N’s birthday is the nineteenth of August, and as Bofur correctly said today is the eighteenth. Therefore her birthday is tomorrow.” There was a small silence and then a collaborative 'ohh’ from the dwarves as the information made sense.

“What!” This time it was not a question and that of almost horror. Bilbo rubbed his eyes in exasperation at his company members. “Why didn’t you tell us!”

“I didn’t think it of importance at the time." 

"Oh Mahal.” Thorin ran his hands down his face. “What are we going to do.”

Bilbo watched the dwarves mumbling to one another in bewilderment, clearly Birthdays were much more important in dwarven culture than hobbits. 

“Well how old is she gonna be?”

“I don’t know. She’s got to be, what, seventy right?”

“Yeah I reckon she’s just younger than me.”

“Seventeen!” You almost sung to yourself as you skipped around in excitement, completely unaware of the commotion happening back at camp. “I can’t believe I’m going to be seventeen!”

You hopped over a twig and spoke to a tree, not caring if someone saw you and took you to a mad house.

“I’m allowed to drive now! And in one year I can legally drink!” You began, overwhelmed with the soon privileges you would be getting; well as soon as you found a way back to the real world anyway. 

“I mean I can already do other stuff legally.” You grinned, although you spoke through closed teeth as if it was a dark secret you were telling. 

“I can get married and I can…” You stumbled trying to find a more acceptable way of speaking, “have children… Oh gees this is going to be great!”

You stopped speaking to the shrubbery and picked up a stick to absentmindedly twirl around your fingers as you walked back to camp. When you got there it seemed as if you were intruding on an argument. Which basically was what you were doing.

All the dwarves were stood, shouting over each other, some opting for physical violence to get their point across, whilst Bilbo sat in the background with his head in his hands. However Kili spotted your presence and nudged everyone who immediately hushed themselves despite for the odd mutter and suspiciously smiled at you before dispersing around the camp in a hurried sort of way. 

You cocked your head and raised an eyebrow at their odd behaviour but shrugged it off and went to sit by the struggling hobbit who seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown.

“I swear to every god there is I am going to strangle every one of these dwarves.” He threatened, pulling his head out of his hands and he shook his hands as he spoke with wide, exhausted eyes.

You giggled at his threat, drawing in the dirt with your stick. “That seems to violent for you Bilbs.” You smiled, earning one from him. “Although, if you need a hand with it, let me know. I’m always up for dwarf strangling." 

"Alright, stews ready!” Bombur called and you jumped up, your stomach gurgling in response to the prospect of food.

“Thorin what shift do I have tonight?” You asked after finishing your bowl and your leader looked up from his own.

“Uh, you don’t have one.” He stumbled, and you narrowed your eyes at him.

Usually the grumpy dwarf took pleasure in barking orders and giving you the most gruelling watch to take over. So for him to give you a night of and act so shifty about it… Oh well, you got a night off! You’re not complaining! Take this chance now before he changed his mind and gave you the whole night.

“Okay, I’m gonna go to bed early then. Thanks Thorin.” You smiled and sat down on your bedroll, preparing yourself for bed before quitting halfway through and just lying down.

The quicker you get to sleep the quicker it’ll come.

Mornings aren’t fun. Not even Birthday mornings are fun when you have to wake up early. You woke to a hushed silence and you groaned, not wanting to open your eyes and so instead curled up further. It had been the best night’s sleep you’d had in a while and frankly, you didn’t want it to end anytime soon. You were warm, comfy, and was that a countdown?

“Three. Two. One.” You heard someone whisper just before your half asleep ears were defiled.


You practically had a heart attack and in your attempt to get away from the noise you tripped over in your bedroll and landed in a messy heap of human, hair and furs.

“What the hell guys.” You croaked, spitting out a leaf and trying to blow your dishevelled hair out of your face.

“It is your birthday, right?” Thorin asked hesitantly, glancing at Bilbo in embarrassed confusion. But he, once again had his head in his hands in despair.

“Well yeah but-”

“We’ve all got you presents!” Kili was fidgeting with excitement and then before you know it you were presented with various gifts.

Ori gave you a portrait of yourself, which you have to admit was incredible and you looked damn good in it.

The gifts continued from each individual dwarf until you were left stunned, surrounded by the presents; and, although your gratitude never dropped, your capability of saying so became harder.

“Alright give her some space, she has only just woken up after all.” Thorin spoke and the rest of the company gave you a few smiles before leaving the two of you alone.

You opened and closed your mouths a couple of times and the usually surly dwarf chuckled, kneeling down next in front of you.

“I don’t understand. How?” Was all you managed to utter and he shook his head fondly at you.

“Some of the lads were up all night making things. Others choose one of their closest possessions to give you. With the exception of Nori, he’s got a ton of silverware and other stolen goods, I don’t know where he puts it all.” You both chuckled again and you sighed, rubbing your eyes fully awake.

“Well so far this has been one of the most amazing things any group of people have done for me.” You said truthfully and looked around at the smiling company as they got on with whatever.

“Here.” Thorin shuffled behind you and brushed your hair out of the way. He dangled a small ruby pendent down around your neck and fastened it quickly. You couldn’t help the grin that came upon your face at the necklace. 

No words were needed as you shared smile conveyed all the information it needed before you pulled each other into a small hug. You got up and walked over to the dying fire, breakfast being served. Once you received your bowl of double leftover stew, you sat down on a log.

“So how old are you then? We reckon you’re about seventy." 

You nearly choked on your food with laughter, but luckily managed to stop any from being sprayed out of your mouth.

"Seventeen, not seventy. Christ I don’t look that old do I?” You laughed expecting the company to join you but you were met by awkward silence. “What?”

“You’re only seventeen?” Fili stuttered, his mouth open in what looked like pure horror as the overs covered their wide mouths in shock when you hesitantly nodded.

“WHAT?!” Bofur nearly erupted in surprise and you were taken aback by the sudden outburst. 

“What’s the problem? Guys?” You honestly had no idea how to react. You couldn’t see how being seventeen could be so much of an issue.

“What’s the problem? What’s the problem.” Bofur giggled, at least you think he was giggling he sounded quite panicked; well it would explain why he then passed out.

“Well, um, you see Y/N…” Balin stuttered, his face slightly paler than usual, “in dwarf years, you’re only a toddler, well a baby really.”

“Oh dear lord.” Thorin muttered, his fingers finding their place in the bridge of his nose as he spoke to himself under his breath in an effort to remain calm. You glanced at him with a frown before returning to the flow of questions and other exclamations being bombarded around the camp.

However you were taken by surprise when they acted upon their words and Dwalin had stolen your half eaten bowl of stew from you and was attempting to hand feed you like a baby.

“Come on, open up.” He cooed. At least you think he was cooing, whatever it was it didn’t sound natural coming from the usually gruff dwarf as he tried to push a loaded spoon into your mouth.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?” You tried to push the stew away from you but Dwalin only persisted. And getting up and walking away didn’t help either as Fili and Kili had come prepared for battle in terms of competing for who got to hand feed you.

“Come on, does Y/N want her din dins? I think she does.” Kili’s voice was higher than you had ever heard it, and you had kicked him in an unfortunate place before so it was really high.

“Guys!” You shouted trying to break through the madness that surrounded you and the mass of dwarves treating you as if you were two years old.

“I’m seventeen for Christ sake! That might be two years old in your culture but in mine I’m pretty much an adult and I can handle myself fine. So would you please all stop trying to hand feed me – and Bofur, I see you picking up my stuff, I can carry it myself! Gees next yall be getting out your chest to try and breast feed me!”

The silence that surrounded your wild gestures was still but you could see Kili retying the top of his tunic laces with a grumble and a snicker from his older brother.

“Now, can we all get back to eating breakfast?” You exhaled not completely sure if what had just happened had in fact just happened. “And can we eat individually. I have arms, and I’m gonna use them.”

You looked around to see the many loaded spoons drop to the side of the holders in dismay and disappointment that they weren’t going to get to feed you.

Thankfully, you got through the rest of the morning with little issue. No one had tried to load food into your mouth along with phrases such as ‘Here comes the carriage’ or ‘Open up baby cakes’. Honestly you weren’t sure how the rough and tumble, hardcore, going-to-slay-a-dragon company of dwarves had turned into mush, but you were sure to never let them live it down.

“Do you need help getting on?” Nori asked when you were about to mount your pony.

“No, I’ve done it before thank you very much.”

“Do you need help carrying that?” Fili asked as you were dragging a small log through your night camp.

“No but if you stay perfectly still you can help me to squash you with it.”

“Don’t even think of putting that spoon near my mouth again Kils.” He practically fell in his seat.

But perhaps the most infuriating moment was when you were ambushed by a small orc pack. No wargs, only five orcs. This was a perfectly simple situation and you were just about to swing at one of the creatures when almost the whole company created a barrier around you so you wouldn’t be harmed.

“Guys! Oh come on!” You shouted from within the circle, your sword swinging aimlessly by your side.

Thorin was left to fend for himself against three of the orcs whilst the company prioritized you, who they still deemed to be a child, over their leader and future King.

“Oh this is ridiculous.” You muttered, charging to push yourself out of the dwarf barricade and in seconds had dismembered two of the three orcs tag teaming Thorin. You watched in frustrated relief as their bodies slumped to the ground, one of the heads rolling to the company’s feet.

“Right.” You started again as they looked at you in confused shock. “If anyone else treats me like a toddler that’s what’ll happen to them.” They seemed to nod in agreement and some of them had the decency to look guilty.

“Thanks for helping me.” Thorin tapped you on the shoulder whilst the other turned away to busy themselves. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you’re a child… baby.”

He winked at you and you rolled your eyes at him with a bored expression, despite the smile breaking through.

“I can’t believe you.” 

Chapter Text

“Meet me outside the Hobbit’s house at dawn in two days’ time.”

“I’ll do my best but I can’t promise anything.”

“Do your best. It’s important for you to join us.”

“Surely thirteen dwarves can handle themselves?”

Gandalf simply gave you a side wards glance and continued puffing on his pipe. 

“They’re dwarves.”

“And? They’re good fighters.”

“They’re stupid and stubborn. Just turn up. You never know, you might enjoy yourself.”

The Shire sure looked picturesque. Rolling green hills contracting the clear blue sky, the occasional puffy cloud reflecting in the lake below. You couldn’t help but watch in silent appreciation as the small town of Hobbitton began to wake up and the smell of freshly baked bread filtered out of various chimneys. 

You had chosen to wear your large fur coat to cover your gear so you didn’t intimidate the inhabitants of the village. But you had begun to regret your decision as the warm summers air seeped through the layers practically baking you upon your horse. 

The polished and newly painted green door stood prominent within the largest hill. The house looked beautiful from the outside although you suspected it was not so beautiful inside if your knowledge of dwarves was true. 

You waited outside of the door for about ten minutes, keeping yourself busy by lounging on the outside bench and eating an apple. The door opened and fourteen people filed out, only a few of them noticing you sunbathing on the bench like a rag doll. It didn’t take long for them all to realise you were there and the muttering died down.

“Ah Y/N. I’m glad you could make it.”

You smiled at him from your seat and eventually stood up to properly greet everyone.

“Who’s this?” Not the best start but nothing that surprised you. The dwarf that had spoken had suddenly stood a little taller and was attempting to look down upon you. 

“This is Y/N. She’ll be joining the company.”

“Says who.” The same dwarf, who you expected was Thorin, the leader of the group, spoke with clear annoyance.

“I do. She is one of the best fighters of this age.” Thorin whirled an eyebrow at the impressive statement and laughed slightly.

“If you are in face one of the greatest fighters of this age, why haven’t I heard of you?” He smirked, thinking he had outsmarted you.

“I’m a mercenary slash assassin. People pay me to kill other people, steal things, basically do other people’s dirty work. I like to keep a low profile so I don’t get whole kingdoms attacking me when I’m sleeping.”

“And why would whole kingdoms be attacking you if you’re just stabbing a few farmers.” Thorin gave you a bored expression filled with disbelief that you were actually any use to him and his cause.

“I don’t just kill farmers. One example, and you’ll like this one, Thranduil’s wife didn’t die in battle, or to some Orc raid. I was the one that killed her.” You had felt bad at first for ending such a beautiful life without any reason except a bag of coins. But it had happened and you couldn’t change it so you were forced to move on from your most regrettable kill.

The dwarves stood in silence for a moment, contemplating whether to be impressed or not and if your story was true. Some of them looked to the wizard for confirmation which he responded with a solid nod.

“And how did you kill her then?” Thorin asked, showing more curiosity.


The reaction was to be expected really. Laughter, snorts, eye rolls and groans. None of them knew or could see the long silver blade that clung to your leg. It had been a paying gift from your mother when you had flown the nest looking for adventure, and you mother had always taught you to be kind, so it seemed to be a fitting name.

“That’s ridiculous. You can’t kill someone with kindness. Gandalf I won accept this idiot. She clearly can’t fight and makes up stupid stories of fake victories. I will not have her in my company.” Thorin’s voice was stern but you ignored it and pulled your katana out from your cloak, revealing it.

The blade was slightly curved whilst the hilt was thin and had a diamond pattern cut into the leather grip. The silver shone in the sunlight and the edge felt like it was cutting you just by looking at it.

“I named my weapon Kindness.” The dwarves seemed to be captivated by the katana you were holding out in your hands, some almost reaching out to touch it.

“Well now that’s settled, let’s go.” You said sharply. Quickly sheathing your sword and hiding it within your furs.

“Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off!” One of the unarticulated trolls shouted over the commotion and you looked up to see Bilbo stretched between two of them.

Reluctantly you put your katana on the pile of weapons, with less force then some of the more stubborn dwarves, but you still obeyed. It angered you that you had been bested by the trolls. You wanted to be angry with Bilbo for being captured but you couldn’t bring yourself to dislike the hobbit, because in the bigger picture it was actually Fili and Kili’s fault. You’d kill them for disturbing dinner.

“Take everything off!” The troll said, clearly only just thinking of it and nodding in agreement with his own decision. You rolled your eyes at how instantly Bofur had thrown you a cheeky smirk, but once again did as you were told and removed your warm fur coat and other various layers until you were in your undergarments.

Next came the sacks and that was when you seriously thought about running but you were in too deep and ended up being chucked towards a rock at the side of the clearing waiting for the rest of the company to be thrown with you. Luckily you weren’t part of the dwarf hog roast, although the warm fire did start to look tempting.

“Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf!” You woke from your daze to see Bombur violently swinging above a trolls open mouth.

“No not that one!” you hadn’t even noticed Bilbo standing up in his sack and talking to the trolls. “He’s got… worms.”

Thorin looked up from where he sat next to you to watch the hobbit briefly but then went back to chewing the rope furiously. You looked around the pile of dwarves to see them all squirming like worms in an attempt to either roll onto their fronts or to stand up like Bilbo.

“That’s it. I ain’t dying like this.” Thorin gave you a sideways glance to look at your determined face as it scoured the clearing to your pile of weapons.

You managed to reach a hand and then an arm out of your sack and loosen the ropes around your neck. Slowly you wriggled out of the sack, being careful to stay discreet and you pushed it away, climbing to your knees.

“We haven’t got parasites you have parasites!”

You pushed off your knees and sprinted to the pile of weapons, grabbing your katana as you ran past the pile and ran up the pile of rocks, leaping off of them and onto the nearest troll’s shoulders. The flash of human startled them but the trolls were too clumsy to turn around in time before it was attempting to throw you off like a bull. You gripped your legs around its neck and plunged your blade down through its skull causing it to spasm and stagger into the large rock, splitting it in two. The remaining two trolls squealed as the sunlight burnt into their rock like skin until they turned into statues by the fire.

“Well that wasn’t very kind.” Fili pointed out breaking the stunned silence.

“Yeah, you should’ve named it Skull Splitter or something.” Kili chimed in.

“Don’t even get me started on you two. I’ll split both your skulls before you can think of being kind.”

“Don’t get me wrong, this conversation is thrilling, really; but could you free us?” Thorin stated with eyerolls to match the sarcasm.

“Oh” You turned around to see Gandalf with his staff poised and ready for action “What did I miss?”

Chapter Text


No one had uncovered your secret. You had been travelling with the company for just under a year and you had had some close calls with your shouts but you had managed to lie your way through the incidents. You had liberated Skyrim from Alduin and the Thalmor and so you no longer had a set purpose except to kill chickens and generally cause occasional havoc. The people of Skyrim were shocked to say the least that the hero of legends was not a white male Nord, but was in fact a female Redguard with copper skin and a serious talent in killing.

So with Skyrim returned to a dragon-free zone, the Greybeards sent you to Middle Earth, leaving Lydia behind along with most of the junk she carried around for you.

You had come far with the company, and despite missing Tamriel you could find a home within the dwarves and Middle Earth. Despite their judgements, you had proven your worth multiple times by healing the company with magic and potions as well as beating almost all of the company in a sparring tournament one afternoon. But now, your journey was coming to a close.

You looked out over Laketown as all the fishermen retired to the warmth of their homes. Small flakes of snow began to fall onto the balcony where you stood and the cold atmosphere became darker as you looked towards the mountain. You weren’t sure what you would find in Erebor exactly and if Smaug the Terrible was anything like the dragons of Skyrim. But you felt quietly confident, although a nick of foreboding hung at the back of your mind. 

You tilted your head back to watch the grey sky drop snow and at that moment you felt back at home. Looking up at the generic sky you could be anywhere you chose to be.

“Our Hero, our Hero, claims a warrior’s heart. I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes.” You sung quietly, only loud enough to carry the tune.

“With a Voice wielding power of the ancient Nord arts. Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes.” Occasionally the song would turn to a whisper as the emotions you felt of your past victorys and heroism fell to nothing. You were now just a legend, a story book, but until the next fire breathing pest exterminator was needed, you would be forgotten. Anonymous within song.

“It’s an end to the evil of all Skyrim’s foes. Beware, beware, the Dragonborn comes.” The small town reminded you of Dawnstar, only bringing back more memories.

“For the darkness has passed, and the legend yet grows. You’ll know, you’ll know the dragon born comes." 

The snow melted against your skin, the heat from your dragon’s blood preventing the cold. You riled yourself for the chorus, the old Nordic language coursing through you as the urge to shout pushed harder against you and the song became louder as you announced it to the sleeping fishermen.

"Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin. Naal ok zin los vahriin, Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal, Ahrk fin norok paal graan, Fod nust hon zindro zaan, Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal.”

The energy and power from the song died down within you and you remained silent in solitude, taking in your surroundings and building up your strength for the day ahead of you. You sighed and leant over the wooden railing. The small party the Master was holding for the company was still going within the halls but you had chosen to step away from it all and get time to think.

“Is that a song from your home?” You hadn’t expected a visitor, let alone an audience.

“Yes.” You turned back around to look out at the world as Fili joined you on the balcony next to you, breathing in the night air.

“What does it mean? That last bit, what does it mean?” He asked softly looking sideways at you.
You paused for a moment make a short thinking noise as you weren’t sure what the exact translation was.

“It’s something like… Dragonborn, Dragonborn, By his honor is sworn… To keep evil forever at bay, And the fierce foe rout, When they hear triumph’s shout, Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray - Something along those lines anyway.” You smiled at him as he pondered over the lyrics meanings, analysing them.

“Well this ‘Dragonborn’ sounds pretty exciting. Hey! Maybe I’m the Dragonborn and I just don’t know it.” He grinned and you shared a small laugh between you.

“I doubt that.” You smiled, glad he was with you

“And whys that? You know 'em?” He poked you playfully and you pushed him back giggling.

“Yes actually I do. I know them very well, or I used to know them anyway.” Your smile faded slightly and you looked to your hands. “It’s probably hard for them. You know they’re given this one task and all this pressure to kill a dragon, but once that’s over, they don’t have a purpose, a meaning. They’re just lost in the wilderness, unsure of where to go next.”

“I guess so. But there are always dragons to be killed and people to save. The glory and novelty might fade but they’re still needed. Without them the world would be burning, and no one wants that.” He squeezed your shoulder and wrapped one arm around you, letting you rest your head on his shoulder. “In fact, I’m glad the Dragonborn’s with us. Because without her we wouldn’t stand a chance.”

You pulled your head up to look at his smirk with slight confusion, not sure if it was just a joke for you to go along with that was coincidently true, or if he actually knew.


“I might be a dwarf but I’m very good at puzzles. I know you’re the Dragonborn. I’ve known for a while actually-” you have him a light punch in the arm at his pride. “Okay I haven’t know for a while but I was suspicious for a while. I mean you had a black book in your bag about the Dragonborn so all the signs became clear.”

“Wait you went in my bag?”

“No the book has fallen out and, me being the gentleman I am, I picked it up for you and had a read at the same time.” You sighed and rolled your eyes at his charm, looking back out off the balcony, but he didn’t take his eyes off of you.

“Well don’t tell anyone, alright?”

“I promise.”

The torches flickered across your dark skin, highlighting it and shining in your eyes. Only a couple of candles lit the wooden streets from the windows of people’s home. The moon had risen, sharing it’s pale light, with the stars to accompany it.

“If I promise not to tell anyone… Could I kiss you right now.”

You paused for a moment, turning your head to look at him with a gentle smirk. You didn’t give a verbal answer because in your mind actions spoke louder than words, and right now you were shouting

Your arms wrapped around his neck as you kissed him. In your mind fireworks were lining the skies behind you. You slowly lowered your feet from your tiptoes and pulled away both grinning.

“So, do you have half dragon half human babies?” Fili asked innocently, ruining the romantic mood.


“What it’s a serious question! Could you imagine Thorins reaction to me having dragon babies?” You laughed at him and fell into his warm arms.

“So you can do a shout thing?” He asked curiously as he rested his chin on your head.


“Can you show me?”


“Why? It would be so cool!”

“It’s loud and I don’t want to wake people up.”

“Can you fly with them?”


“Can you turn into a tree?”


“Can you push people off of cliffs?” He seemed to get more excited with every question he asked, causing you to giggle.

“Yes actually.” You had made a mental note to find your Amulet of Mara.

“So what else can you do?”

“Why do you ask so many questions?”

“It’s my job.”

You shook your head and closes your eyes, completely relaxing into the moment and forgetting about the near future. The door opened behind the two of you and you lazily turned your head to look at the second visitor. Kili hobbled up to you, his leg wound seemingly getting worse despite the potions you had given him. However the arrow placement only made you laugh more after your trip down memory lane.

“Hey, hey.” You nudged Fili in the side with your elbow, giggling as you did. “Kili used to be an adventurer like us, but then he took an arrow to the knee.”

Chapter Text


It has been a year since the battle, and winter was in full swing. You were one of the few lucky ones that had survived without major injury, although you did suffer from loss. At night you’d sneak out of the Elven Kingdom and watch the stars, wondering how many were watching back.

This night you sat on a fallen log, staring out over the Long Lake, moonlight highlighting the ice. Fireflies buzzed around you creating a low hum to the silence of Laketown’s tomb. A few crumbled houses protruded from the ice but the rest of the burnt town lay underneath. 

“What are you doing?” A silky voice interrupted your thoughts, taking you by surprise.

You flicked your head around in shock, fearing the worst and reaching for your dagger out of instinct. You weren’t, however, face with a threat, but instead your king watched over you showing only mild curiosity instead of anger.

“Just thinking, I guess.” You replied, shrugging your shoulders and turning back around to face the lake.

“Thinking? Could you not have done that within the security of our walls?” He asked softly, stepping around the log to sit down next to you and stare out over the lake along with you.

“Are you angry with me?” You questioned.

“No. Just intrigued.” He replied, meeting your gaze. “So why here?”

“It’s just so peaceful, after everything that happened to the town it still keeps an air of beauty in the ruin. It holds history and memories, life and death." 

He nodded but didn’t reply, simply drinking in your answer and matching it with your surroundings.

"You’re right, it is beautiful.” He said softly. “But we can make it even more so.”

You raised an eyebrow at him as he stood and held his hand out to you. You took it though, trusting him. He led you to the edge of the lake, before turning to look at you in silence.

“This place, although beautiful, it must be desecrated. We must desecrate it with your laughter. Your joy and your light. We must restore happiness and meaning to it otherwise its only use is to be remembered.” He stroked your cheek gently with his thumb. “Follow me.”

“Oh come on have you never heard of fun?" 


"Well then you should join us! Come on it’ll be great, I promise you’ll love it.” You pleaded, following Tauriel around as you moved through the armoury, shocking every weapon rack.

“I have work to do.”

“Everyone has work to do some of us just chose to ignore it every now and then.” You smiled, grabbing her hand and giving it a small tug. “Look I know it’s hard and you put a brave face on and try to forget but you can’t. Please, this’ll help.”

She thought over the truth of your words before rolling her eyes at you. 

“Fine. I’ll come. But if Thranduil-”

“He’s coming too. He’s the one that thought up the idea.” You smiled at her frown and pulled her towards the door. “Come on, we’ll be late!”

It wasn’t a particularly long trip to the Long Lake, going by horse made the journey quicker and easier as well as leaving less room for Tauriel to ask questions. You eventually reached the mouth of the river and slowed your horses down whilst entering the short forest that acted as a border around the outskirt of the lake.

“You’re late.” Thranduil emerged beside you with a smirk at your excitement and Tauriel’s eye roll.

“Blame her not me.” You grinned pointing to Tauriel who tried to hide a smile but failed at your optimism. “Besides, technically you are also late seeing as you are not taking advantage of the event and was, instead, slinking around in the forest.”

“I was not slinking.”

“Uh huh sure. Now come on I did not get up early for this!” You grinned and ran to the lake and increasing social noise and laughter.

When you emerged out of the tree line you were faced with what could only be described as a beautiful memory. Elves were dancing and gliding across the ice, chatting and laughing, finally letting their hair loose after certain past events. The lake had lost its melancholic expression and was reflecting the early sun in a blur of red and orange, almost a tribute to the flames that had been there. You stood in awe at the overall happiness, forgetting that you wanted to join in and instead spectated.

“I thought you said you wanted to skate again.” Thranduil stood beside you and your grin spread to him as he gently squeezed your hand. He nodded his head in the direction of your makeshift rink as he led you to it.

“Woah.” He slipped backwards on the ice but you caught him before he fell and you shared laughter with him for the first time in forever for the serious king. He replied by playfully pushing your shoulder, causing you to do the same as he did but ending up on the floor.

“Hey that’s not fair!” You grinned and when he went to help you up the imbalance and lack of grip caused him to tumble on top of this. “Okay fair enough. How are we going to get up now?”

“We could skate around on our backs?” He suggested with a smirk, the close proximity between you not fazing him as the more graceful elves skated around you.

“Or I could help you two up.” Tauriel stood above you with a sly smile, holding her hand out to you.

“See I knew there was a reason I bought you along.” You smiled, grabbing her hand as she pulled you both to your feet with a wobble.

“Thank you Tauriel.” Thranduil said sincerely, he had made a point of looking after her after the battle and her personal loss as well as the loneliness she felt after Legolas left. She smiled and skated away leaving the two of you to bite your lip and attempt to slide your feet across the ice.

After a few near falls and a lot of shuffling, you both managed to get the hang of it and were gliding around with the rest of the elves. It was like dancing, only easier and more graceful. You and Thranduil split up as he left to chat with someone important and you left to mingle and eat, but you never missed an opportunity to send glances at each other and sweet smiles.

“I have never in my life seen someone eat as much Lembas bread as you just did.” You turned around, a guilty look spread across your face at your stuffed cheeks.

“I’m hungry. Exercise is hard work.” You tried to say between chewing, your hand covering your mouth the whole time in an attempt to be dignified in front of your king.

“Well I think it’s time you got back to work.” He smiled.

“Why? Everyone’s leaving, its night time.” You pointed out, looking at the navy sky dotted with sparkling dots. The party had come to a close and only a few elves remained as they slowly migrated home. Tauriel had waved goodbye an hour before but she seemed happy enough so your job was done there.

“Exactly.” He smirked, taking both of your hands in his and walking backward onto the ice.

You followed him, finally getting his message as the moon shone of the ice with a pale glow. You slowly skated together, drinking in the moment of peace. The lonely mountain was only a shadow in the distance, its darkness not reaching you. Thranduil leaned down slowly, and you stopped in anticipation your breath quickening. Your lips met gently, the passion a dull thud as the buzz spread from the silent kiss. You pulled your hands up to wrap around his neck and pushed your body towards him, deepening the kiss.

Despite the cold winter, you were on fire. You had desecrated your king with desire.

Chapter Text


You were still yet to return to your original, and frankly preferred, body. Although you had made yourself at home with the temporary body that belonged to Kili.

At first it was weird, Nope it was still weird, seeing yourself across the camp, seeing yourself hiking through the countryside and you realised how much all the exercise had done to your body. Dang you looked God, if a little sweaty. It was like your reflection had come to life.

But whilst Kili got to bask in your feminine body, you got to bask in his masculine one, and despite the immediate shock, you couldn’t help but secretly thank Gandalf for doing what he did.

“This was your plan all along. Wasn’t it?” Thorin asked turning his head to Gandalf with a smirk as the two of them watched you and Kili flirt with your eyes.

“Maybe.” Gandalf replied, also smirking at you and Kili.

“I still can’t tell who’s who.” Dealin walked up to stand beside Thorin and the wizard, joining them in their observations. The three of them chuckled slightly under their breath and remained mumbling to each other in the corner of the camp, studying you like zoo animals.

“How long have they got left in each other’s bodies?” Thorin asked after a while, showing a little concern for two of his company members.

“How should I know?” Gandalf only shrugged with a sheepish grin at his lack of understanding over the matter.

“You… Magicked them!”

“They’ll have to work it out themselves. But it’s okay, I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“Hey.” You heard your own voice behind you from your position beside a small stream.

You had been tasked with washing up after dinner so you headed down to a small nearby stream, looking forward to some time to mull things over. Not much mulling was actually happening, but it definitely wouldn’t be now.

“Oh! Hi.” You smiled back, the masculinity of your voice still surprising you. “You come to help me clean the dishes?”

“No.” Kili replied to your teasing. “I came to… Pick up where we left on.”

“Ah, before we were so rudely interrupted by your Uncle.”


“Well what a coincidence! I had the same idea, it’s like we’re connected or something.” You joked, putting the bowl in your hand back onto the pile so you could stand up.

Without meaning to, you reached him in three strides and snatched him in your arms. His joyous laugh tickled your ear as you lifted him off his feet. Urgently your mouth roved across Kili’s face with rough kisses that stung his cheek, his chin, his forehead. Kili gave into it, gave all to it, a moment’s madness where body ruled mind and blood roared over reason.

Despite the initial dream-like feel of your own body pushed against you in a burst of passion, you couldn’t help but sink into the soft curves of your own body, which was temporarily unowned by you.

You slip your hand under Kili’s cotton vest and his body spasms and slackens as you cup his cold breasts in your hands and feels the hard pearls of his nipples, like tiny secrets, against the barked palms of your hands. You feel the gradual winding down of his dying heart as he moans against you, shivering once more.

Kili moaned against your lips, his hands running up and down your sides, gradually lifting his own navy tunic further up your chest. You copied his movements and the two of you broke apart momentarily to thrown the irrelevant garments to the floor along with reason and patience.

Your hands roamed his body, feeling the soft skin prickle at your touch as you reached around to undo the all too familiar bra strap, which, after years of practise, fell away at your fingers.

The two of you gradually move to rest on the floor, but Kili breaks away to run and grab your tunics to create a blanked above the pine needles. In the heat of the moment and with help from an adrenaline rush you pick Kili up, sliding your hand under his knees and manoeuvre him carefully so that his bottom rests in the middle of your makeshift bed.

You slip your fingers underneath the worn elastic of his pants that are strung across the points of his hips, slips them to his ankles and softly draws apart his knees, negotiating with the ties of your own trousers. Kili just lies there, squirming, his eyes closed in anticipation, letting himself be the passenger and waiting to feel anything and everything from the different perspective he found himself in.

You didn’t know much about what a man had to do exactly when having sex, but so far everything looked correct downstairs and you knew what was supposed to happen from your experience of being a female in similar situations. You look at your own spread out body, deliberating slightly over what to do, but soon you forget the rule book and you slip a hand under Kili’s waiting bum and enter him slowly, adapting to the feel.

You thrust once, cautiously. You thrust again, and you’re gone, you’re off careering into nowhere. Kili’s moans and heavy breath as his muscles spasm and clean house beneath you only fuel your fire. You both live for seconds in that soaring agonizing perfection. Kili squealed, writhing as his back arched, thrusting his chest in your direction, fisting the ruckling tunics that he lay on. You felt your orgasm bubbling up inside you and suddenly remembered Kili. Reaching a hand down you began to rub his clit, building up speed to meet your thrusts and his moaning and squealing grew louder as both of your bodies began to come undone at the others touch. You jerked your cock violently for a brief couple of seconds, hoping to elongate the bliss you felt. Your bodies seemed to freeze at the point of orgasm, both spilling whilst you remained stuck, trembling.

You collapse next to him, yourself, oh you don’t even want to think about the complications of a body swap! The two of you panted heavily like a couple of dogs for a short while, letting the sweat slide off of you.

“This is like next level masturbation isn’t it.” Kili pointed out, turning his head to face you like you were looking at your reflection.

You both burst into a fit of giggles at the truth of his statement and you leaned in too kiss him again, more gently, with love and care.

“I could get used to this you know. It’s quite nice being a girl really.” He said, turning back to look at the stars. “I mean sure there are pros and cons, but sex? Feels great.”

“Well it’s not too bad from this point of you as well.” You shrugged and shuffled in your positions.

“Although I am looking forward to being back to my normal self.” Kili stated and a pause of silence followed as you hummed in agreement, too tired to reply.

“I guess we should get dressed.” You mumbled reluctantly, not wanting to leave the heaven you had entered.

The first thing you became aware of upon waking up, was Kili’s arms wrapped tightly around you. That was funny. Had you switched places in the night? When you looked up to see Kili’s sleeping face, it didn’t seem strange at all… But that was when you realised what was different.

It was actually Kili’s face you were looking at, not your own. The familiar stubble, hollows and dimples. Laughing, you leaned up to kiss him.

“Kili! Kili! Wake up! It’s over! We’re back to normal!” You shook the dwarf until he woke with a groan. For a moment, nothing seemed to sink in, but then Kili blinked several times and realised what he was looking at.

“Mahal Praise!” Kili cried out as he pulled you towards him, kissing your mouth and both cheeks.

The kissing deepened after then and you may have well gotten back to fucking right there and then had Dwalin, Thorin and Bilbo not been woken up.

“What’s all the ruckus now? Some of are trying to get some shut eye y'know.” Dwalin said indignantly.

“Uncle! Uncle! The spell is broken!” Kili shouted, laughing, as you and him got up to receive hugs only to be rejected.

For several minutes, Thorin glanced between you and Kili before shrugging in resignation. He was not quite feeling up for the task of sorting them out all over again. One mix up had been traumatic enough.

“Well, whoever you are, good for you. If you must have celebratory sex please do far away. I don’t want to be able to hear it again. Breakfast will be ready soon and I would much rather eat without the unavoidable mental image of one of my ‘proud and noble’ heirs and one of our company members shagging each other.” He growled before striding away.

“Where’s my 'proud and noble compliment?” You mumbled at being dismissed as just a 'company member’.

“We may just have to take you up on that, Uncle.” Kili chuckled.

“Well I’m not gonna turn it down.” You moved in for another kiss, anticipating your celebratory sex.

“Bye.” Bilbo said bluntly before quickly running away.

“Gees O Pees, give my ears a break!” Dwalin shouted but you took no notice of his rant as he stomped away.

You chuckled at him through the kiss but couldn’t bring yourself to do anything else as Kili was already laid above you. At least you’d stopped bickering.

Chapter Text


“Alright, we have entered the Shire!” You called from within the map in your hands. Kili let out an excited whoop next to you and you giggled turning to watch his hands jiggle in the air in celebration.

It had been a long trip just from the Blue Mountains so you were dreading how long the journey to Erebor would be after you collected your burglar. Luckily though you were travelling with your best friend and partner so it wasn’t so bad and had actually been fun with the two princes around. It was a miracle you had been allowed to come but unlike what you expected it wasn’t Thorin that had the difficulty of accepting you into his suicidal company. Fili had always been protective over you and it was double the amount of coddling with his brother, they had wanted you to stay behind to keep you safe and even their mother, who you got on with like a house on fire, advised against you going. But who were they kidding? You’re a dwarf, and you’re a stubborn one.

“So… how much further?” Kili half whined, coming down from his initial high and popping the same question that’s been rolling out of his mouth on repeat for the last week.

“Is the only time you’re ever going to talk to me is to know how long your stumpy legs have to walk for.” You smiled and he grinned rolling his eyes, he sidestepped towards you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder shaking you slightly in a tight half-hug.

“Of course not sis.” You rolled your eyes at the nickname, tempted to give the same protest every time he used it about how you were not actually his sister in law yet because you and Fili weren’t married. Although you couldn’t wait for the day when the nickname would be true. “I would also like to know what’s for dinner.”

You pushed him away and giggled slightly, poking him in the chest before playfully retorting. “Well that,” another poke hit his chest as you spoke “would be on your to-do list.”

The two of you shared a couple more jokes and teasing when you realised that Fili had been awfully quiet and had seemed to have disappeared from your trio completely. Stopping your jesting, you turned around mid-step to see Fili along way down the path, crouched down and seemingly completely engrossed with something.

You flashed Kili a quizzical glance and you began to jog down the path towards the blonde, his body blocking whatever it was that had interested him. However the cooing sounds gave you reason for loving concern.

“Um, Fili?” you asked, hesitant as to whether you wanted to disturb him or not. But he flicked his head around to greet you with a lazy grin before turning back around. “You alright?”

“What’ya got there?” Kili chimed in, trying to lean over his brother’s shoulder to look at the mysterious item.

Fili chuckled lightly under his breath and slowly stood, bending over before standing to his full height and then turned around to face you, opening up his furs to reveal an animal. Upon closer inspection of the head peeking out of Fili’s jacket, you saw that it was a cat. It was beautiful, a bit scraggly but beautiful none the less. The bright leaf green eyes scanned you warily but they soon seemed to soften as your hand tentatively reached out to gently stroke it between the ears. Her fur was a rich copper gold with dark spots to decorate and, assuming it was wild, to add camouflage. It purred at your soft touch and you found yourself smiling at the small creature, well you could only see its head but judging by the bulge it was not a ‘killer cat’.

Eventually, you pulled away from the fur ball. This was partly because you feared it was going to hypnotise you with its eyes, and partly because Kili kept tapping and pushing you in an attempt to move you out the way. You stood back to let the brunette do his own cuddling with the animal whilst you looked at Fili’s beaming face with a raised eyebrow and a suspicious glare.

“And why do you have the cat?” He pulled his gaze away from the animal nuzzled within his coat to look at you, his face still grinning lazily.

“I found it.” He answered, returning his focus to the cat and giving its head a short ruffle. You huffed and threw out your arms knowing exactly where this was going and turned around to continue your hike through the Shire.

“You know you can’t keep it.” You called a smile appearing on your face at the exclamation and protest that came from behind you.

“What! Why not?!” Kili shouted back but you continued to walk, calling to them from over your shoulder.

“Well first of all Thorin wouldn’t let you. Second, it’s a cat. And third, it’ll be a burden.” You called, not exactly happy about leaving the cute thing behind but in reality it wouldn’t be practical to have a cat following you across the world to face a dragon. The poor thing would catch a cold.

“Come on, leave the cat and let’s go!”

“I still can’t believe you kept that cat.” You muttered and turned your head in the grass to look at Fili.

“I’m very persuasive.”

He grinned, gently stroking the purring animal that was led on his chest. It seemed to enjoy the warmth and the breathing rhythm coming from the dwarf and so he had been unable to do anything since it placed itself there, leaving you and Kili to do all the work around camp. Or more precisely, leaving you to do all the work around camp because all Kili was doing was sneaking bits of food to said animal.

The night was young and a pink glow filled the sky, mixing with the orange of the fire. The once vibrant grass had faded in colour, along with the sky, to become a dull dark green carpet, the breeze gently whistling through it. You lay on your back, watching at the last clouds drifted by and the buzzing lights filled your small camp. Comfortable quiet was surrounding you as small insects mixed with the purring and occasional Kili noise. You liked the quiet, it was peaceful and laid beside Fili made you feel more relaxed than a cushion. Feeling the gentle rose and fall of his chest, despite its new resident, his permanent smile, his smell his… Well his everything. 

The calm felt good. And then the calm ended.

“So what are you gonna call him?” Kili said, although despite the forests silence breaking his voice was soft and undisturbing.

“Her. She’s a girl Kee.” Fili corrected, tilting his head to look at his brother who had given up on sharpening a knife and was instead marvelling at the fireflies floating above him.

“And I think I’m going to call her Cara.” He smiled, stroking the new ‘Cara’ again and earning a nuzzle from her sleepy eyes. Kili ‘oohed’ at the name, seemingly agreeing with it whereas you groaned and covered your eyes with a hand.

“What? Got a problem with Cara?” Fili teased, nudging your shoulder from his place next to you on the forests grass rug.

“Yes. You can’t name it!” Fili pouted so you continued with an explanation “because when you name something you get attached. And we're not keeping it, remember?”

Fili furthered his pout and you were met with two pairs of puppy eyes and you groaned again, chuckling slightly

“Oh fine then.” You agreed in exasperation although a smile lingered and you reached a hand to ruffle with her fur. “I guess she is kind of cute.”

Kili grinned and stood, his eyes seemingly widening in infatuation with the glowing insects and he reached out to touch one like a child. 

“Like you.” Fili whispered, placing a light kiss to your forehead, before turning to watch the fireflies.

It would’ve been a beautiful moment, romantic even, watching the fireflies gently float around above you, but of course that couldn’t happen when you had Kili with you. You loved the younger prince with all your heart, well most of it, and even in his lowest moments he bought a smile to your face. It was a fact that there would be no better memory than the one you were creating. Laid beside Fili and a purring cat, watching the fireflies, whilst Kili ran around like a madman trying to touch and hold them. 

There was something about the glowing insects and the way they walked on air that they seemed magical, and you loved to watch them in the summer as they went along finding their own love, much like you had. 

They danced around Kili as he attempted to claim one, you giggled at his shenanigans and snuggled closer to Fili, eventually letting your eyes close to the sight of mini flying lanterns.

What a way to wake up. A cat tentatively licking your face awake was not exactly what you had in mind but it bought a smile to your face none the less. 

You stroked Cara in return and she hopped off you to go on her own adventure around the camp. You slowly sat up and out of Fili’s shoulder, stretching your arms and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. The small fire was sporting a column of light smoke as the flames had become glowing ash within the rock borders. 

You looked over to where Cara was. She wasn’t as small as Fili’s coat pocket made her out to be and she actually had rather sharp fangs and claws. You shrugged thinking nothing much of it but continued to watch the cat anyway. Her front half had all but become the ground and her eyes twinkled slightly at the unsuspecting badger bustling about in the bracken. 

PfftGirl step away. It’s a badger, you’re a cat. It’s not gonna happen.

You watched closer as the badger bustled about, unaware of the cat lurking in the grass, preparing an attack. It came from nowhere and you were not prepared. 

Cara, had leapt onto the badger, with more force than you thought her neat feline body was capable of, and landed on its striped muzzle. It tried to thrash about and knock her off it but before he could complete the action she had clawed its eyes out, leaving them to fall onto the floor in a grotesque fashion.

Now you had seen some shit in your life when it comes to death and gore, but that took the biscuit. When you fought something you slashed but never really watched because you were busy rucking around with adrenaline so you never saw your actions in their completion. But watching, what you thought was a cute and innocent cat, claw out a badgers eyes? No.

You stared in stunned silence as the badger screeched from its painful blindness and fell limp from the blood loss and the slash that the came to its neck. Just as you thought it couldn’t get any shocking or bizarre, Cara then proceeded to hop of the mauled badger and clean her paws like nothing has ever happened.

“Holy fuck.” Kili uttered from next to you. His sudden presence would’ve normally made you jump, but what you just witnessed was so abnormal that you slowly turned your head to face him with a dropped jaw.

Cara having heard his voice, looked up from her blood stained paws and sweetly trotted over to Kili. He scrambled backwards, falling slightly, to get away from the cat and she cocked her head in confusion at the rejection. You managed to pass a giggle at his fear of the cat but realised that, after the show she had just performed, you would’ve reacted in the same way.

“Don’t let mother hear you say that.” Fili smirked and you turned to him in calm surprise at his awakeness. Kili just stared at him like he had gone mad.

“I’m sorry, did we see the same thing? That cat is mental!” He spluttered, waving a hand at the offending animal who had gone back to absentmindedly washing itself.

Fili only chuckled and looked to Cara with a smile.

“I knew there was a reason to keep her. See, she’ll be useful.“ 

"Yeah, she’ll rip your eyes out when you’re asleep." 

"If she was going to do that she would’ve done it last night, and we’ve all still got our eyes haven’t we.”

“Yes but it seems you have lost your brain.” Fili gave you a short glare a as you and Kili bombarded him with reason, but he stood by what he thought anyway.

“Anyway what’s for breakfast?” He asked, trying to change the subject.

“Badger eye anyone?”

“Are we just going to ignore the fact that he is keeping a literal nightmare with him?”

“Shush Kee, eat your badger eyes, they’re good for you.”




“At your service.”

The three of you bowed to the seemingly startled hobbit, accidentally bashing your head on the door frame when unfolding yourself. 

“You must be Me Boggins.” Kili exclaimed excited to meet a new person, in particular a hobbit. He’d never seen one before. Said hobbit only whimpered at the puppy like dwarf.

“Baggins. Baggins Kee. You’re hopeless sometimes.” You lightly smacked him round the head and Bilbo watched in exasperation.

Eventually you got past the hobbit and after Fili had dumped a whole armoury on the poor man you went through to the hallway.

“Ah Fili, Kili come on. We could use some help.” Dwalin said heartily, slapping them each on the back as they walked through to the dining room.

“Y/N!” He greeted and pulled you in for a short hug. “How’ve you been? Babysitting those two cant be easy.”

“Fili’s adopted a demonic cat. So pretty standard really.” You shrugged grinning to your old friend.

“That does not surprise me. Come on, let’s get some ale in you.”

The evening merriment carried on much to the horror of your host as Bilbo watched on in panicked disdain. Food was chucked and alcohol was chugged before he arrived. 

You and Thorin got on well and had spent a lot of time together since you had begun courting Fili. You, him and Dwalin worked the forges, sparred together and you managed to crack a smile from the two older, more serious dwarves.  So it was refreshing to see him again after spending such a long time with your nephews.

It was not that you didn’t love Fili, or his brother as a brother, but often you enjoyed being calm with Thorin as Fili and Kili’s energy and enthusiasm was sometimes hard to keep up with.

“Gandalf.” He muttered under his breath when the door swung open to reveal him. “I thought you said this place would be easy to find, I lost my way, twice." 

You rolled your eyes at his complete lack of direction as he rambled on about the mark on the door, causing Bilbo to appear.

"So this is the hobbit.” He mused, looking down at Bilbo, once again your eyes rolling, this time at his pride. However his judging gaze faltered when a curse was uttered within the crowd of dwarves and a cat appeared at his feet, an evil glint to its green eyes.

“What is this.” He said plainly, Bilbo having a more bothered reaction.

“I’m allergic!” He exclaimed jumping back and you and the brothers pushed to the front of the crowd, gaining a small smile from Thorin.

“You should be terrified as well Bilbo.” Kili smiled warily to the hobbit who looked even more fearful.

“Fili rescued a cat that launches on things, claws their eyes out and jumps off like nothing happened. You have to see it. How are you?” You said quickly, showing your slight exasperation for your One, but a smile tinted your voice.

“What?” Was all he said, turning his attention to Fili with a blank expression.

Well this was just dandy. Less than a month into your travels and you had already been attacked by trolls and put into smelly bags.

“We don’t have parasites! You have parasites!” Kili screamed at Bilbo who was bravely standing up and talking to the three Giant idiots whilst half the company twirled on a spit in front of him.

“I’m going to die surrounded by idiots.” You muttered, giving Thorin a kick who passed it on to Kili, sending him into realization.

“I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!” Oin called, making you chuckle at the clueless dwarves.

“I’ve got the biggest parasites! I’ve got huge parasites!”

This was when you noticed how much extra wiggling Fili seemed to be doing as a smaller item was bumbling around with him. You knew it was Cara, even more so when her head appeared out of the head hole next to him and squeezed out of the small gap.

Okay a Badger is understandable. I mean it’s quite small and was completely taken by surprise. But a mountain troll? Let alone three. Surely not. 

Much like you did with the badger, you watched the cat go about her attack. This time she choose to slink up a tree and perch on a branch. Even the fact that she easily scrambled up the tree left you a little speechless. She positioned herself above the troll turning away from the dwarves and repeated her posture. Front end ducked to prepare to pounce. Pouncing commencing in three, two one…

What am I seeing? This cannot be real.

But once again you were baffled by the cats reckless savage as it flung itself from the branch, effortlessly landing on the trolls grey head. And much like with the badger, clawed its eyes out whilst it flailed around beneath her. The troll screamed and began running around blindly, its eyes now oozing holes at their camp turned into chaos.

The dwarves ripped from their sacks, suddenly finding energy from the opportunity. Cara was flung from her perch to land, somehow on her feet, and swaggered up to the now free Fili, jumping on his shoulder and once again acting as if nothing happened whilst the panic frenzy continued around her.

“The dawn will take you all!” Gandalf appeared, staff at the ready to crash down on a rock, turning the trolls to stone.

Suddenly everything seemed to freeze as everyone glanced around in shocked silence as the scenario replayed in their heads.

“Literally, what the fuck just happened.”

Everyone turned to Fili, watching the cat in utter confusion as it washed itself.

“You are keeping that cat if it continues to save our arses.”

And that’s when Kili fainted.

Chapter Text


“Dadda’s home!” Estelle, your eldest child shouted joyfully from the next room, accompanied by a few unsure but happy claps from her younger brother, Lexi.

You smiled and continued to roll out a  slab of pastry, now covered in so much flour you couldn’t care less if it dressed you up to look like a snowman. It was your fourth Christmas with a child and three with two children. Last year it had snowed and they waited up as long as you would allow to toddlers to, glued to the window, staring intently at the sky as if snowflakes would fall and dust the ground with the power of their tiny minds.

The door opened and the children cried out in excitement. They ran across the floor as fast as they could to get to the door and jump into the waiting arms of their father who would spoil and flourish them in hugs and greetings as well as a small gift from time to time. But today was different. It was tree day today.

“Has it snowed yet?” He asked eagerly in his child voice, entertaining them with true interest.

“No yet but it will now you’re home!” Lexi, who still struggled with some words, said, jiggling in anticipation of snow and decorations and gingerbread and presents and of course, tree day.

“Dadda! Dadda! I drew you a picture!” Estelle exclaimed and practically dragged him out of the front room and into the kitchen.

Thorin smiled at you but his attention was stolen when Estelle presented her drawing to him as dramatically as she could, the paper hiding her face with only her eyes peeking over the top and her small fingers curled around the side. The picture was of four stick men that represented each family member stood around a Christmas tree with big smiles and there was a sad fish in the corner for no apparent reason.

“It’s amazing Estelle thank you very much!” He smiled and gave her another fight hug.

“I want another hug!” Lexi announced with a stubborn tone and a frown on his chubby face.

Thorin obliged to the hug and stood up from the floor, taking the picture and putting it carefully on the table.

“Off you go and play now.” He smiled and they tottered off together.

You looked up from your baking and smiled, leaning in to give him a short, but sweet, kiss. He crashed down on a chair with an exhausted sigh, and stretched out, shedding himself of his coat.

“How was the meeting?” You asked softly, picking out a knife and cutting a small star out of the pastry.

“Boring, although we managed to discuss a lot so I guess it was worth while.”

“And the Pine forest?”

“Better. Much better considering that bastard dragon charred the earth they grow on.”

You gave him a look which said ‘do remember we have young children in the house and the word bastard is not entirely appropriate even though that bastard dragon was in fact a bastard’.

“So you found a tree then?”

“Yeah the boys are just bringing it up now.”

“You trusted Fili and Kili with transporting a pine tree all the way through Erebor?” You asked with humorous concern, knowing that your nephews were good hearted if a bit troublesome and ditsy.

“It’s alright, Dwalin’s supervising them.”

“Well that makes it all the better doesn’t it.” You smiled, shaking your head.

The two of you spent a sweet moment of silence, well near silence, the kids made it almost impossible for pure silence but this was family silence and it felt warm, less cold and scary then pure silence. But even the noisy silence of that moment could be broken, by two dwarves that didn’t know the meaning of ‘peace and quiet’.

There was a loud concert of knocks on the wooden door engraved with gems that led into your home within Erebor; however, the musicians did not wait for any response and decided to burst in, faces flushed and bright grins stapled to their faces.

“Uncle Fee! Uncle Kee!” The two dwarflings screamed and once again ran to the door to plaster their victims in hugs and kisses.

“Hello you two.” Fili smiled, kneeling down and gently scuffing them on the head with his fur gloves, giving Estelle a tight squeeze. Kili meanwhile, had found entertainment in squeezing Lexi’s cheeks until his brother gave him a whack on the arm.

After a few more seconds of cheerful greetings and cooing too the young children, the two boys peeked round the corner to greet you, with a less high pitched tone.

“They do know we’re not their Uncle’s, right?” Kili said first, pointing his thumb behind him.

“Of course they do it’s just easier for them to say ‘uncle’. How are you?” You brushed the flour from your hands onto your apron and hugged the younger nephew, whilst the eldest appeared and you repeated the action.

“We’re well, as I hope you are too Auntie Y/N.” Fili said after the embracing ended.

“What’s that smell?” Kili jumped in, sniffing the air like a hunter dog and clearly switching into food, or as you both called it, ‘Bombur mode’.

You laughed slightly at his keen open and gestured to the slightly ajar oven door. “Gingerbread. They’re not done yet though, so no, you cannot eat them.” The three of you laughed for a moment at Kili’s expense, but then Thorin’s brow furrowed and he turned on his nephews.

“Where were you at the meeting today?” He raised an eyebrow at the two of them and Kili’s expression instantly became sheepish and guilty as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish trying to think up a plausible excuse. Luckily, his brother was a master at improvisation and dragged them both out of the shit.

“We got called out to deal with a small pack of orcs travelling on the western road. We dealt with them, found the source cave and cleaned it out. However we got lost on the way and found ourselves South of Dale so we thought it an ideal time to pick up a few bits and pieces before we returned home.” It was strange, how one dwarf could have such a talent for acting that anything that came out of him mouth seemed like a truth. Fili had a gift for words and a gift for lying.

Thorin snorted in acceptance of the lie but still quirked an eyebrow. “And how come you failed to mention this when we were getting the tree?”

“I had almost forgotten about the tree! It was the sole purpose we came up here, we should probably go get that shouldn’t we Fee. We left it outside, it won’t take a minute.” And of course, Kili’s knack for ignoring certain information and creating a leeway out of a tricky situation worked perfectly and the two of them scurried out of the room with stupid grins on their faces, giggling like monkeys.

Approximately two hours later, and after the annual Tree Day argument; which luckily did not escalate as much as previous years with Thorin only muttering under his breath and sulking off after Kili tried to put heaviest decoration at the top of the tree, you sat, swirling hot chocolate around a glass and smiling at your two children who had fallen asleep in front of the fire like two aloof cats.

Your two nephews sat in opposite arm chairs, staring thoughtfully into the fire. Kili, for once, looked wise maybe even brooding and mysterious. It was odd to see Kili looks serious, it was like he had taken Thorin’s face and plastered it onto his own. It was odd.

Soon enough your eyes became too heavy to keep open, and they slowly closed, the aroma of mulled spices sending you into a peaceful sleep, the fires crackling giving comfort within the otherwise silence, and the snoring coming from your already asleep nephews made you feel like you were back on the quest, it made you feel at home.

The next morning you woke up to a seemingly empty living room, a slight clipping noise coming from somewhere else in your chambers.  Slowly you stretched out your limbs and turned around in your chair, jumping in surprise. Thorin had his face right up to yours, he must’ve sneaked up on you, and was holding a branch of mistletoe above your head, smugly grinning.

You rolled your eyes at him and obliged to the festive rule, pressing your lips softly to his, brining your arm up to wrap around his neck over the head of your armchair. You smiled, your teeth grazing against his and pulled away slightly.

“I never should’ve told you about mistletoe.” You grinned, your eyes rolling over the contours of his face.

“I’m going to line the ceilings with this plant just for you.” You giggled and leaned back in too his chapped lips, your thumb drawing patterns on the back of his head.

“Uncle! Y/N! Estelle and Lexi stole our clothes and won’t give them back!” Kili ran into the room, looking like a distraught child in only his pajamas. You could hear Fili demanding the clothes back, still managing to keep a soft tone.

You could only laugh at him, and rolled your eyes, but reluctantly you let go of your husband and went to the aid of your nephews.

“And who do you think they learnt that trick from then?”

Chapter Text


“The stars are bright tonight.” Kili mused as he lead on his back in the grass next to the crackling fire.

His brother, Fili, was smoking his pipe to relax but took the time to gaze at the constellations ready to make a smart remark but got lost in the beauty of the night sky.  

“Yes they are.” Fili replied with sincerity, smiling at the sky.

The two had been on watch for almost an hour and frankly, they quite enjoyed it. Although the two princes were manic and constantly getting into trouble, they liked the peacefulness that surrounded the night and basked in having the time to think without worrying or trudging up a hill. Which was in some ways the opposite of what they were supposed to be doing on watch; worrying and anticipating a possible ambush from any and every direction.

But they simply sat, listening  to a barn owl’s call.

Fili took his eyes away from the hypnotic stars and back to the fire, watching it dance and flick. His eyes swung the flames out of focus from fatigue and settled on the object behind them. He let his eyes linger on the figure for a while, deciphering it, before standing up and slowly walking over to it.

Several strands of her hair fell across her olive skin and her shoulders were bunched up to her neck. She was clutching her thin blanket tightly in her fists, pulling it as tightly around her as she could. Her legs were pulled to her chest but one foot had slipped down and had emerged from her attempt at warmth. 

Fili squatted down next to her and gently brushed her hair from her face, tucking the strands behind her ear. Carefully, he placed his hand to her shoulder and a violent shiver broke through the small shakes. Her legs seemed to recoil into we at his light touch and the cold so he stood and walked over to his bedroll.

“What are you doing?” Kili asked, pulling his pipe out of his mouth to question.

“She’s shivering. I knew we should’ve stopped in Bree to pick her up a proper blanket.” Fili muttered as he rummaged through the he pile of dumped stuff that was his sleeping area.

He eventually found the woollen blanket his mother had made for him and pulled it out of the bag, un-scrunching it as he walked over to her.

“Hey, it was my idea.” He hissed at Kili who was just about to lay his own childhood blanket over her. “Go give yours to Bilbo or something.”

“Fee she’s freezing. She might as well have both of our blankets.” Kili reasoned smiling at Fili’s obvious want to impress and be kind to the girl, meaning that no one else could.

“I guess your right.”

The two of them carefully lay the blankets over her and she immediately responded to the extra weight and warmth, a small hum of thanks passing through her sleeping lips. Fili couldn’t help but smile at her and his hand reached out to gently caress her arm. 

“You know what would make her extra warm?" 

"Careful Kee.” Fili warned at his younger brothers obvious innuendo. 

“Ew no. I don’t want to see anything like that including you.” His face screwed up in disgust but a grin reined victorious over his facial muscles. “Why don’t we sandwich her. I mean be like her pillow or something. I don’t mean anything sexual, just cuddling her.”

“I don’t know, what if she doesn’t want that?” Fili but his lip, glancing down at her now content face, doubt in his thoughts of her feelings towards him and if they were the same as his. 

“Fee she told me she liked you. Now stop being a drama queen and get under the blankets.” Kili rolled his eyes and walked off. “I’ll go wake Dwalin." 

Hesitantly, Fili lifted a corner of the blankets and scooted under them, being careful not to wake her, and gently slid his arm over her. Much like before she responded accordingly and pushed into his chest and the warmth that flowed from him to her. He lifted his chin above her head and gently kisses her.

He closed his eyes and relaxed into the position, gently pulling her back into him instinctively. Then without warning the blanket was lifted from the other side and a loud shuffling was heard in front of him. Fili raised his head to look at the intruder who was making himself comfortable on the over side of her.

"Kili! What are you doing?”  

“Getting comfy." 


“Because we’re keeping her warm remember? Sandwich?”

“No I’m keeping her warm. Not you.”

“Hey she’s my friend too. Beside I’ve always wanted to be

Chapter Text


Everything you did in life seemed to have its pros and cons. For example, joining the company of Thorin Oakenshield. A pro in this instance would be meeting the love of your life, and the con would be that you and him almost died in a variety of creative and terrifying ways.

This then led to you marrying Thorin. A pro of this being that you got to marry him and became the Queen of Erebor, a con would be having to put up with his nephews charming antics.

And finally this led to your current circumstance. You were pregnant with Thorin’s child.  The pro? You were having a child, starting a family, everything you wanted in life was happening. And the con? You felt like you had tiny knives stabbing your internal organs until you gave in too your cravings.

Thorin’s sister, Dis, had become your wise old wizard for your pregnancy. She answered any and all queries you had and was always free to give you advice and help you walk up certain flights of stairs that went on for, in your opinion, a very unnecessary amount of time. 

The whole kingdom had celebrated the announcement of a royal baby. It seemed to be the talk of the mountain. You were slightly concerned about Fili and Kili, seeing as they were no longer the heirs and held no great importance in the line of Durin anymore, but when it came to talking to them about it you couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome.

“So you’re sure you’re okay with all of this? I don’t want you hating me.” You smiled, sitting across from the pair that rolled their eyes at your repetitive caution.

“Yes! How many times do we have to tell you? I can’t wait to have a baby cousin!” Kili grinned, his mind coming up with all sorts of trouble he could get into with a toddler.

“I’m quite glad if I’m going to be honest.” Fili stated. “Now I don’t have too much responsibility it feels great. And I’m so happy for the two of you.”

You grinned ear to ear at their love and support, thanking every god there was for gifting you with such wonderful nephews and friends. You pulled the two in for a tight hug but they didn’t want to squash the baby so they only leaned in gently.

“I love you two.” You smiled.

“Can we baby sit?”

“Absolutely not.”

You groaned as you fidgeted in bed, attempting to toss and turn but finding it hard with the extra weight in your belly. You had been awake for hours, craving all sorts of things but you had not had the heart to wake Thorin.

Each week it was a new craving taking over your body. Ice, tobacco, salmon, ruby’s, cake… the list went on. Dis said that all she craved was cake and that your selection was quite bizarre, but they complied within reason.  

“Thorin.” You whispered, not being able to take it anymore. “Thorin wake up.”

He mumbled something incoherent and turned over to face you, a look of concern on his face.

“What is it? What’s wrong love?”

“It’s my cravings. I can’t sleep.” He gave a small, but loving, sigh and gently placed his hand over your bump, spreading his fingers in a soothing motion. 

Several moments passed between each retraction and spread of his gentle fingers, keeping you in the edge of sleep and fully within comfort. Eventually he found the words to speak to you, keeping his voice at soft whisper so as not to startle the moon.

“What is it? It’s not rocks again?”

“No not rocks. I, I don’t know; I just know I need something.” You replied, trying to work out the rubix cube your brain was throwing at you. All you could work out from the complication was that your desire was thin and whispy, maybe a little earthy as well, like it was part of a living thing.

“Have you no idea? You know I want to insure your rest and will get whatever it is you need as quickly as I can.” He assured you as your facial muscles worked wonders in creating a contorted frown. 

You waited, matching as many o the clues up as possible and gradually you began to move forward in your investigation. It was situated far away from Erebor, but the company had began their journey there. It matched the description of a hair and your brain began connecting the dots to that of an animals, specifically a farm animal, one that you distinctly remember blankly chewing grass on your way out of the hobbits home.

“Oh!” You cried in excitement at the solving if your hormones puzzle. “I know!”

Thorin shuffled closer, eager to hear what it was that his wife craved.

“Do you remember that cow in Hobbiton?” He raised an eyebrow at you with doubt at where your discovery was going. “Well it had really soft fur and-”

“Wait, your craving cows hair? Specifically from a cow halfway across the world from here?” You smiled and nodded at his understanding. “Y/N, you can’t be serious. I can’t get that? It’s ridiculous!”

“But Thorin, I’m craving-”

“You’re craving a cows hair. I mean it was weird enough with the gems and the tobacco ash but cows fur? Why aren’t you craving normal things like cake or actual food? Not coal of animal hair!”

“It’s not like I choose what I’m craving! Besides you promised you would provide everything I needed during my pregnancy!”

“I didn't promise anything!”

“Oh that’s right, I forgot you never stick to your word! So I’m just like the people of Laketown am I? Just another empty promise?”

“That was a low blow, and of course not! I love you-”

“Well it doesn’t sound like it! If you truly loved me you would get me that cow hair!”

Silence followed at your accusation and you stared at each other in a screenshot of tension, waiting for the next move.

“Is everything all right in here?” Kili has knocked on the door but you hadn’t heard it underneath your screams so he took it as an invitation to blunder in. “It’s just you’re pretty loud-”

“YES!” You and Thorin shouted together not sparing a glance to Kili who stood still for a moment before promptly exiting with apologies.

Next came the tears. You began uncontrollably sobbing at the thought of not having your cravings fulfilled. It was like your body was being ripped apart, you might as well be dead. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted.” Thorin immediately apologized for the argument and pulled you in for a hug. “I’ll set out for the Shire in an hour, we’ll be back as soon as possible. I’m sure Bilbo wouldn’t mind a visit.” He smiled as he pulled you out of the hug and held your shoulders, lifting one finger to gently wipe your eyes.

“I’m sorry too.” You mumbled, your voice slightly cracking. You leant back into his arms, resting your head against his chest and closing your eyes at the kiss pressed to your head.

“Come on, you should get back to bed.” He pulled the covers over you and quickly pulled on his travelling gear and armor.

Thorin shut the door as quietly as he could and walked to Kili’s door, gently knocking on the engraved wood. The brunette opened the door with a confused look but clearly his rude dismissal hadn’t had much of an effect on his spirit.

“Fancy going to see Bilbo?” Thorin asked awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck in guilt.

“What now?” Kili asked hesitantly, but after the nod his face brightened up. “Yeah!”

After Kili had gotten dressed and fallen over in the rushed process the two of them went to Fili’s door and knocked. After no reply Thorin tried knocking harder and eventually a shuffling could be heard within the room.

“What?” Fili groaned as he swung the door open to his beaming brother and his slightly grumpy uncle.

“We’re going to see Mr Boggins!” Kili blurted out and Fili only glared at him for the loudness of his answer so early in the morning.


“Uncle and Y/N had a fight over her cravings and now we’re going to the Shire to get some hair from a cow.”

“Kili!” Thorin chided.

“You had a fight?” Fili asked more concerned and awake.

“You really are a deep sleeper.” Kili commented and Fili shot him a small glare.

“Yes. Are you coming or not?” Thorin rubbed his brow at his nephews and the thought of the argument.

“Um sure why not. Are we bringing the rest of the company?”

“Yeah why not. It’d be fun like the quest. But I’m not going to be the one to interrupt Dwalin’s beauty sleep.”

“Kili, the quest was not supposed to be fun. It was supposed to a serious matter that turned out to be very dangerous.” Thorin corrected him in his serious parent voice, but then changed to one very similar to the younger brunette. “Although he’s right I’m not waking Dwalin up.”

Fili groaned at the responsibility of waking the dwarves dragon and rolled his eyes at his uncle. He had become much more relaxed though after they had reclaimed Erebor, so he didn’t really mind.

“Fine, let me get dressed.”

“Hey Bilbo! Mind if we stay the night? Thanks!” Bofur said as soon as the hobbit had opened the door and they began piling past him.

Bilbo stated for a second but then shook his head and laughed at the dwarves.

“Well it’s lovely to see you too.” He grinned at the dwarves who clearly hadn’t changed and then at Thorin who waited for the rest of the company to enter before he did. “I’m guessing there’s a reason why you came?”

Thorin didn’t say anything but instead held up the handful of cow hairs and silently entered with a small smile of his own.

Thorin opened the door to his bed chambers as quietly as he could but the creaky hinge was loud enough to wake you up. You say up and rubbed your eyes before thinking about the early morning visitor who may or may not be an assassin coming to kill the Queen of Erebor and the future heir to the throne. But when you got round to looking at the person your face lit up and a surge of energy forced you awake as you jumped out of bed and ran towards Thorin, enveloping him in a hug. 

“I’ve missed you.” You spoke through his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you too.”

The months apart had been long but thankfully the company set out to help a pregnant woman were able to safely travel through Mirkwood with a squad of elf guards after the peace treaty between Thorin and Thranduil, and the rest of the journey had gone uneventful so they managed to get to the Shire fairly quickly.

“Here’s your drug.” Thorin smiled warily as he held up a small bag filled with soft brown cow hairs.

“Thank you.” You leaned up and kissed him on the forehead. “Although, I’m kind of over it.” You smiled and put the bag down.


“Well I’m not craving them anymore.” You replied simply, brushing it off.

“Are you telling me that I traveled all the way back to the Shire for some animal hair and you don’t even want it?!” Thorin stood, on the brink of bursting but your laughter only confused him.

“I was joking. Thank you, I appreciate it. Now I don’t know about you but I think it’s time to go back to bed.” You smiled sweetly at his bewildered expression.

“Mahal you’re as bad as Kili.”

“Now that’s just crossing the line.”

“Oh I crossed the line?”

“Shush.” You leaned up to kiss him gently, interrupting his rant however jokingly.“I love you.”

“I don’t. You’re a nightmare.”

“But I’m you’re nightmare.”

“Lucky me.”

Chapter Text


“We have an emergency!” Your older sister Dis burst in too your room, her face an angry red.

You giggled at her urgency for a moment before trying to calmly address the matter.

“What’s wrong now?”  You smiled and her frown faded to a smile similar to yours.

“Our brother is a pain in the arse.” She sighed but laughed as she walked into your chambers and sat down next to you. “The stubborn bastard won’t leave his meeting with Balin, which has been going on for two hours longer than it should’ve done.”

“What was the meeting on?” You inquired, you’d brother now being the King of Erebor out more strain and responsibility on your sibling bond but it was too be expected.

“War plans. We’ve already had a bloody war now they’re planning another one!” She exclaimed lifting her hand only for a second before slapping it back down on her forehead. “And not only that but Kili’s run off to Dale again to meet Tauriel in secret, he never was a good liar. And when I asked Fili to help me he only laughed and assured me he’d be fine!”

You couldn’t help but giggle at her exasperation. Luckily for you, being the youngest sibling had faired you well when it came to responsibility. Thorin was the most important of all being the King, but Dis had her sons who were the heirs to the throne and constantly caused her stress and worry with their mischief.

“Right well you go and relax and I’ll sort our family out.” You decided, standing to grab some shoes and more comfortable clothes then the corset you were stuck in. 

“If you’re going to get him drunk and set him up with some bimbo I swear to Mahal-”

“Do you want my help or not?” You grinned innocently.

“Fine but don’t get stabbed like last time." 

Much like Dis had to you, you burst into the council chamber with purpose. 

"You’re coming with me.” You exclaimed once you reached the end of the table, pointing directly at Thorin’s startled face.

“Y/N I’m in a meeting.” He tried to glare at you but he had always had a soft spot for you and ended up half smiling at your charm.

“Yes, but that meeting ended two hours ago. Now you’re just chatting.” You pointed out and his two advisors looked at him with small smiles at your truth.

“Go on Thorin, we’re all wrapped up here anyway.” Dwalin smiled, the security of the reclaimed Erebor had really softened the warrior dwarf.

“She obviously has something important for you.” Balin pointed out from his other side, throwing you a smile.

“Fine. But this better be important this time.” He gave in and stood up, stacking his paperwork.

“Meet me at the stables. Get changed and take that stupid crown off your head, you look like a twat.” You shouted as you left the over-embellished room.

“How did I get stuck with such wonderful sisters.”

“Another!” You slammed your hand down on the table with a grin. The empty ale glass next to you being snatched away.

“I still can’t believe this. Why do you insist on bringing me too Dale to get drunk and create a bad reputation for myself and our kingdom?”

“Because it’s fun. You never have fun anymore.” You began to swill the frothing sweet liquid around the mug, your tipsy state brushing over the fact that it was spilling down your arm.

Thorin on the other hand, had been sipping at his first one for an hour, trying his best to resist letting go. 

“Also, we have taverns and places to get drunk in Erebor. Why do you have to drag me out here?” He continued his string of pessimism and negative comments, adding an occasional sigh into the mix when he felt his point was lacking.

“Because we’re not your responsibility out here.” You necked the last half of your drink, wiping the foam from your lips quickly. “Don’t you want to not have responsibility for a bit?”

Thorin stared at the dark liquid in front of him before making any sort of move to answer your clearly rhetorical question. Eventually he answered by joining you and chugging the rest of it. 

“Let’s get hammered.” He decided smiling at you.

“What about her?” You pointed to another girl in the tavern, hoping to set Thorin up with someone to ‘make him feel good’.


“Why she’s great! She’s may have smaller tits but they still look fantastic to me!” It was not the size that mattered in your opinion, but what you did with them.

“I don’t know she’s…” He stumbled to find the right word to describe him preference without being disrespectful. “I quite like a… Bigger girl." 

"Fine what about her? The one with the great arse?”  You pointed to another girl, she was slightly more curvaceous, some people would describe her as fat, but Thorin clearly thought she was perfect.

“Yeah she’s beautiful. She’s got gorgeous eyes.” Unlike other males he looked at her face more then anything else. “But I wouldn’t be able to talk to her, I’m not confident enough.”

You rolled your eyes, disbelieving in his lack of gusto. His nephews had no issue talking to women.

“Fine what about her?”




“Okay but what about him? Come on he’s gorgeous.”

“No! Would you stop trying to set me up?”

“Fine… What about her though?”

12… No 15? You had lost count of how many drinks the two of you had consumed. The bartender didn’t even need to ask for your order after the amount of times you had chugged the same drink, only to slam your fist on the table and announce that you were having another. Being royalty they gave you everything but free of charge, which you obviously abused.

Thorin’s head had began to lull as he flopped it onto your shoulder with a stupid grin on his face. He went to put his mug to his lips but missed and ended up pouring the rest of his ale down his front which he made no move to fix. You both giggled like idiots at it like a pair of hyenas who had just discovered there voice boxes.

“I… you mummy.” He slurred, tightly wrapping his arms around your shoulder in a sloppy hug.

You giggled and placed your hands on his chest, pushing him hard to get him off you but instead your force made the bar stool you were sat on topple and you landed on your ass.

Another for of childish giggles overcame you and you embraced your position in the floor, curling up and murmuring to yourself.

“Slash!” Thorin shouted suddenly, lurching from his own stool and strutting towards the toilets, tripping over his own feet along the way.

However whilst falling forward in his drunk enough stupor, he found himself landing in a girls breasts. He seemed to rest there for a couple minutes, sighing in content at the cushion of the slightly confused girl before whipping his head up and smiling giddily.

'Thank you for the pillow!“ He then pushed past her and crashed into the swing of the toilet door.

You had lost Thorin about an hour ago, too busy with drinking all the alcohol you could find whilst sitting atop a gorgeous woman’s lap. You had never cared for social standards, or the transparent rule that same sex relations were not allowed under Mahal’s power. Frankly, she was hot and Mahal could stick his war hammer right up his godly arsehole. 

You had almost forgotten about the brother who had left for the toilet and never came back. Maybe he was just taking a shit, maybe he had been kidnapped, or maybe he too was getting some action. All exciting options, but luckily for him, he found himself propped up against a wall in the toilets being sucked off by the same woman that he fell on. 

Overall it was a pretty successful night in your opinion.

You turned around and straddled the girl, quickly leaning down to start a sloppy, alcoholic make out session, your hands finding their way to her sides. But midway through the Battle of the Tongues sequel a hand clamped down on your shoulder and pulled you off her. Next thing you knew you were tumbling out of the door and being banned from the tavern for 'heavy petting’.

You simply curled up in the dirt and hummed badly, more of a screech then a melody. Soon you heard another tussle in the bar and another dwarf being sent sprawling out the door.

"You will not perform porn in my respectful premises! Fuck off both of you!” The door slammed and you looked to Thorin, bursting into a fit of giggles.

Both of you began to stagger back through Dale, laughing and cheering when you either did, or didn’t make it up a step.

“Best night ever!” Thorin shouted whilst pissing on a tree. “I’m pissing stars!”

You were drowning. Well that’s what it felt like when a bucket of ice cold water was thrown over you to wake you up. You thrashed against it, sinking further into a hay stack. 

Opening your eyes you were met with a seemingly very angry farmer, so instead of facing him, you shut your eyes and pretended he wasn’t there. Thorin on the other hand had opened his eyes, and was staring at the farmer in confusion as to why the water was thrown as well as why his head hurt as much as it did.

“What the fuck have you two done with my cow?!”

Chapter Text


The stone walls were cold and soulless no more, whilst the feast raged on as fierce as the dragon that had temporarily lived there. Joy, purpose but most importantly pride had been restored to Erebor once the war had been won and the dwarves had returned with three, very much alive, royals to bring back the glory of their race.

Of course, this feast was one of many – but was by far the most significant with Thorin’s coronation marking the true reclamation of the mountain.

You sat at a table, your head beginning to increase in weight as it threatened to lull so immensely that it would fall from your hand and hit your plate, most likely sending cutlery and ale flying, almost definitely ending with a dead company member (it would be Kili as his head manages to get in the way of everything) and you would be thrown in the dungeons without question. This was all a theoretical possibility and it only proved that you had drunk one to many and partied a little too hard for one evening.

Dis looked at you sympathetically from the other side of the large dining table. Only the important members of the court got to sit with the royals and the new king, Thorin, had babbled on about how you were important because if it wasn’t for you the company, and once again his idiot nephews, would have died multiple times since leaving the Shire; not that it mattered since you hadn’t listened to a word he had said as you had been distracted by the pretty landscape, not his exceptionally pretty face…

A friendly hand slapped you on the back with more force then a sober mind would’ve put behind it and you looked up exhausted to see a grinning Dwalin.

“I bet you didn’t party like this back in Bree did you Y/N!” A healthy chortle danced out of his mouth, causing you to reply with your own giggle in acceptance of the truth of his remark.

“No one could hold their drink quite like me though!” You quipped back, the surreal rumble of drunk dwarves engulfing your words.

Before you could continue your conversation with the renowned warrior, his head whipped from side to side in a desperate effort to find something: that something being the only two royal dwarves that could be causing any sort of mischief, and rushed off to bash their heads together, leaving you sat alone to try and nurse your headache again.


You hadn’t even realised that your eyes had closed again when the soft voice forced them to open to witness the miracle that was a smile on Thorin’s face.

“Y/N you don’t have to stay, you can retire to bed if you want.” You just narrowed your eyes at his kindness, you should’ve got him drunk more on the quest if this was the result.

“Just because you’ve got a crown on your dumb head doesn’t mean you have to talk posh to me. Just scream at me to go to sleep like you used to.” You muttered and smirked at him for a brief moment before a groan took over at the pulsating pain in your head.

“Y/N maybe it’s the best that you do go to bed.” Dis smiled at you from across the table, why was she so effortlessly perfect whilst you struggled to walk down stairs and string a status appropriate sentence together?

You were going to nod and ‘retire’, purely from her ability to make people do what she says, but you were adamant at sticking through the whole night no matter how bad of a headache you got.

“Oi! Get up fatass let’s go!” Kili, somehow having managed to keep his head after his encounter with Dwalin, grabbed your hand and pulled you into the body of dancing dwarves, twirling and throwing you around with his permanent grin staying permanent.


“Ow, ow, OW!” You teetered down the hallway after Thorin, one hand on his shoulder for stability and the other clutching at your stomach to keep you from presenting your insides as a coronation gift.

He only chuckled at you and unlocked the key to his chambers, helping you through the door where you staggered and crashed onto a nearby sofa. You stayed peaceful for a moment, relishing in the plush comfort of the pillows but quickly shot up and began to claw at your back to release yourself from your corset.

Thorin stood watching your struggle with a fond smile on his face and a head shake.

“Are you gonna help or what?” You barked at him, a grin ruining your grumpy façade and he walked over to you cautiously as you presented your back, and a maze of laces, to him.

“You do realise that that is not how you speak to your king.” He quipped back, the smirk on his lips present in his tone,

“Oh shut up and get me out will you? And don’t worry ‘Mr Noble’, I’ve got a slip on underneath.” His fingers had picked up a rhythmic pattern and your ribcage was slowly being freed.

“That doesn’t matter, I’ve already seen you naked.” You attempted to shoot a glare at him over your shoulder but you only chuckled and sighed in pleasure as your red gown slacked off of your shoulders and eventually tumbled to the floor so you could kick it out of the way.

“That dress was probably worth more than you.” Thorin pointed out after your dress had been suitably, and aggressively discarded.

“Thorin, that dress suffocated me.”

He shook his head at you, ever since Gandalf had demanded that you tag along you had proved a challenge, refusing to back down from arguments and simply obey to his authority. A trait which had caused an attraction to you, ending up into a night so aggressively intimate it was unspeakable.

“Now help me out with my braids, they’re killing me.” You sighed, exhausted from the feast, and sat on the floor between his legs.

Silence fell over the two of you as he gently untied your braid, gradually unwinding the weave of twists and plaits that cascaded down your back. As your hair loosened you relaxed further from the pleasure of having someone else, let alone the king, play with your hair.

“Thorin?” He hummed an acknowledgement at you. “When are we going to get married?”

His hands ceased their work momentarily at your blunt question and you span around to face him, wide eyes looking up at his.

“Well…” He stuttered, trying to find the right words. Your face faltered and you smacked your head, muttering something about alcohol loosening your tongue.

“I forgot, I’m not suitable for a king am I?” You spoke quietly, disappointment clear in your voice. When he didn’t reply immediately, you stood up and walked to the door, slinging your dress over your shoulder. “Well, thanks for the help anyway. I can finish the rest myself.”

You gave a brief, sad smile and reached for the door handle.

“Y/N, if I didn’t want to marry you I wouldn’t have helped you untie your braids, considering that’s a dwarven courting ritual.”  

You turned around, eyes full of hope at his reassuring smile and somehow found yourself running into his arms sobbing like a child

“We’re such soppy bastards when we drink.” You mumbled from within his chest. Your sudden entrapment of Thorin took him by surprise but his arms quickly snapped back into action and hugged you back.

“This wasn’t the way I expected to see you cry for the first time.”

“Shut up.”


The two of you stood, embracing each other until eventually he pulled away to place a sweet and gentle kiss on your lips. It didn’t last long but it told you what you needed, and wanted, to know.

“So am I going to finish with your hair or what?” He smiled at you softly.

“You look cute when you smile.” You grinned, the alcohol still effecting your choice of words and which thoughts decided to present themselves.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Come on then, sit down.”

You sat back down in front of the love seat, watching the fireplace flicker as Thorin quietly began to hum whilst untying your braids. This moment was the ending of a fairytale, the ending you’d wanted since you were a little kid. The soothing motions from his fingers caressing your skin and sending you into a whirl of relaxation.

“Thorin, I thought you were only allowed to marry a dwarven princess though?” You asked quietly, the doubt still playing on your mind.

“Who’s the king?”


“And who makes the rules?”


“Exactly, so fuck them and their stupid rules. I don’t need a princess when I’ve got a queen.”

Chapter Text


“I’m bored.” Kili moaned, sitting and staring at the fire in the evening had gotten boring after doing it for six months.

“How can you be bored? We just got dumped off a bunch of eagles onto a cliff, do you not want to just sit down for a bit?” Gloin, almost scolded him for your comment.

“Do chores.” Dwalin suggested, in a gruff manner which was almost an order.

“I’ve already done all of that.” He whined, rolling onto his stomach to catch anyone’s eye for other, better, suggestions.

“I’ve got an idea.” You spoke up, and all eyes seemed to focus on you.

You stood up and walked over to the middle of the camp to ‘pitch’ your idea. How you’d got into this mess was beyond you, but coming from another world had it’s perks.

“Well there’s this game we play back home called Never Have I Ever.” Blank faces, clearly they had never heard of it. “It’s a drinking game.”

This got their attention, bastards.

“Basically the game starts with everyone getting into a circle. Then the first player says a simple statement starting with ‘Never have I ever’. Anyone who at some point in their lives have done the action that the first player says, must drink. Simple.”

Your hands patted your sides after explaining the rules and the idea seemed to mull around the dwarves combined child mind until they came to the conclusion that ‘there was nothing better to do so we might as well do it, mainly just to shut her and Kili up’. Well, at least they agreed.

“Bombur get the ale.” Bofur grinned and the camp moved to sit in a circle around the fire, next you’d be telling ghost stories and braiding their hair.

The large dwarf magically whipped a casket of Ale out of one of the packs and chucked mugs around to everyone before filling them, somehow all of their group actions worked like clockwork with you and Bilbo stood in the middle trying not to get hit. Eventually everyone was prepped and ready to play, except for Thorin but there was no surprise there. Balin had also decided to sit this one out, probably for the best really.

“Is Mr Grumpy Gills not going to play?” You teased Thorin and he only rolled over on his furs to show his back, truly a sulking dog.

“Right, Y/N, you know how to play this best so you can go first.” Nori decided, leaving you to think for a moment for an appropriate first statement.

“Okay, never have I ever: fallen in love at first sight.” That was safe, clean, you didn’t think you had so it was just time to see who had a drink.

Gloin, Bofur and surprisingly, Kili. You were going to question the younger dwarf further but Ori had already started his statement.

“Never have I ever: looked through someone’s bag without permission.” You didn’t drink but you knew two heirs of Durin that had almost certainly done and they cautiously drunk from their mug, making guilty eye contact with you the whole time as you glared them down.

The game continued and it had gone around the circle twice, meaning everyone was getting royally fucked – especially as half of you had to have refills to continue. Thorin was still being grumpy in the corner but he was seeming to take more interest in the game as a few secret chuckles came from his direction at the cheering of the rest of the company, generally at someone else’s expense.

“Alright I’ve got one!” Bofur stood up, an intoxicated grin on his face as his drink sloshed around from his swaying movements. “Never have I ever: had sex in public!”

The company roared in anticipation of the suspects, at this point you weren’t even trying to be discreet and you chugged the rest of your ale for everyone to see – creating a ripple of silence. Some members of the company looked at you in awe, a few in disgust, but most with the curiosity of a gaggle of teenage boys.

“What! I have big deal.” You grinned, presenting your mug to Bombur so he would refill it to continue the round. The eyes didn’t disappear though as they all continued to stare at you for an explanation.

“Well? Details?” Fili asked expectantly and you rolled your eyes but complied.

“It was my 18th birthday, so obviously I was going to go out and party, met a gorgeous boy and ended up fucking on a beach. I’m pretty sure we ruined some kid’s sandcastle too but y’know.”

That’s when something caught your eye. Bilbo, the innocent lovely hobbit that he was, had also drunk from his cup.

“Hey! Bilbo you sly dog! See I’m not the only one!” You pointed a finger accusingly at the hobbit who was slowly turning into a tomato at the inappropriate attention.

“I don’t like this game very much” He mumbled as the company laughed at him, some throwing arms over him from their merriment.

“I think it’s time we stop drinking.” Thorin plucked the drink from your hand, crashing the party “And get some sleep.”

You whined at him and attempted to take back your kidnapped ale, however he really took the cake when he drank it for you.

“You’re not very nice.” You mumbled, crossing your arms like an annoyed toddler, to which he smirked smugly.

“And you’re drunk.”

“Am not!” You shouted back when he walked away, leaving you to resume your sulk alone.

“Um Y/N?” You looked up to see Kili stood, his hand outstretched to help you up.

“Thank you, at least some of the Durin’s are nice.” You called out specifically so that Thorin could hear your spite.

“Can I ask a question?” You nodded your head at the archer, who seemed to be speaking so quietly and shyly as if it was a secret. “How gorgeous was the boy you had sex with?”

“Not as gorgeous as you honey.” You slurred and patted him a couple of times on the chest before staggering off to your bed roll.

“Hey Kili!” Fili smirked as he jogged up to his younger brother.

“Never have I ever looked like such an idiot talking to a girl, drink.” The blonde grinned as he threw a small cup of water in his brother’s face, causing a mild prank war to break out between the two.


“Yes Thorin?” The hobbit seemed exasperated, truly done with the dwarves and their culture.

“Did you really have sex in public?” Thorin was trying to seem uninterested, but he couldn’t help but be curious of their thief’s secret, and rather risqué double life.

“Oh leave off.”

Chapter Text


You were on a mission. Not quite a mission from God, but a mission from the King.

Being tasked with the delivery of the Arkenstone at Thorin’s coronation was a big responsibility, despite the only witnesses being the company members. The battle had ended and all the dwarves that were to move to Erebor had gone home to help with the migration, leaving only you, Bilbo and the company to enjoy the ceremony.

You were speeding through the stone passage ways, your short legs on steroids as you powerwalked. The Arkenstone was cupped in your hands in front of you, bouncing slightly at every straight stride.

“BOO!” You were turning a corner, eyes pinned to the stone not what was in front of you. Which at this current time was Kili.

You had never been good with surprises like this, and the young dwarf found constant excuses to make you jump and this was no exception. You leapt into the air, bringing one knee to your chest in defence, a hand shot the Arkenstone at a wall whilst the other slammed into Kili’s chest from reflex. After the adrenaline died down and you took note of the situation you were in it became apparent that not only was your attacker not an attacker, but the one thing you were tasked with now lay shattered on the floor.

“What the hell were you thinking!” You shouted trying to be stern and angry but failing miserably.

Both of your eyes glanced at the broken King’s Jewel, it’s swirling light fading.

“I’m blaming you.” You blurted out with a laugh.

“You were the one that chucked it!” He retorted also with a smile.

“Well if you hadn’t jumped out at me we would be fine!” You giggled, forgetting your responsibilities. “I ain’t gonna be the one to break the news though.”

“What news?”

“That one of Thorin’s heirs has no brain.”

Holy hell I actually wrote a lot. I think the time pressure gave my fingers super speed or something and I typed really fast.