I was an idiot. Always have been and always will be. Curling into myself, I tried not to disturb the sleeping werewolf beside me. This relationship, it was everything I wanted yet, it left me empty. Little did Derek know that I am breaking when he falls asleep, that the memories of a tangled embrace haunt me. Picking myself up piece by piece was hard, time consuming and painful. I love Derek, I honestly do, but love shouldn’t be this painful.
Love shouldn’t be this one-sided.
Crying would wake Derek, his heightened senses would easily pick up on my distress. So instead I try to hide. If Derek was really trying to pick up on my sorrow, he would have by now which only reinforced my belief.
This relationship was falling apart.
In all honesty, I should have jumped ship months ago but I just couldn’t leave Derek. Something about him captivated me, drawing me near even though I knew I was only going to be burnt. The first mistake, I forgave and forgot. The second mistake, I forgave. The third, the third mistake fucked me up but still I cannot leave him. Was I that sick that I now liked the pain?
This town has turned me into something I hated. It turned me into the person content with being entrapped in a loveless embrace. And all because of fear. Fear that I cannot keep myself safe. Fear of loneliness.
Staying with Derek left me feeling dirty.
When it first began, this relationship felt like magic. Happiness filled me to the core, a sense of contentment. A glow resonated within my chest, tingling to the tips of my fingers. It didn’t matter what horror this town threw at us anymore, Derek was there to help me out of it. But there was one horror I couldn’t forget, one burnt into my mind and Derek couldn’t help me through it. And that tormenting action was repeated, displayed to me time and time again.
With a love so bright, it wasn’t any surprise that we burnt out too fast.
Every time Derek touched me, I could feel my very skin grow contaminated, every sweet word he whispered to me became thorns in my mind. Laying in this bed left me feeling…empty.
No, what I really felt like was a toy. Something Derek could use and throw to the side. The fact I didn’t care made me sick. The fact that I was glad he would sometimes look at me was depressing. Who cares about my emotions anyway? Everyone I have ever known has played with me until they were bored. Scott did, Malia did, so why not Derek. Right now, I don’t even care that Derek is breaking me. I cannot leave him. As pitiful as it sounds, I don’t want to leave him.
I fucking love him. I love him to the point it hurts.
When I am no longer useful, Derek secretly throws me away. I wonder if he has even noticed that he does it. Derek only has heartfelt conversations, hell, he only ever smiles after we make love. Can I still call it making love?
After tonight, I will be put back in the corner, the only place a human can stay safe in a wolf pack. After saying yes to Derek, my fate has rested in his hands. Derek pulls the strings and I don’t even fight it. I can give my whole world to Derek, but will he take it?
If love is a joke, then use me ruthlessly. I don’t care anymore. The pain of trying, I don’t want it anymore.
What am I to Derek, or am I being too greedy by even asking that? Should I be content with what he has given me? Another lie to tell my dad, another wall to hide behind.
It doesn’t matter, I can’t take a single step out of Derek’s world. The supernatural has ensnared me, and I would rather not face it alone. I can’t tell Derek anything anymore, the accusations fall silent on my lips.
Turning, I tried not to wake Derek. When I was positive he wasn’t going to wake, I just stared. The way the moon highlighted his face left my heart aching. He was mine, yet so far out of reach.
We can never be equals. To me, Derek is the only one, but to him, I am just one of many. Loving Derek was like lighting a candle right before a gust of wind. But I can’t stop. I don’t want to ever leave Derek. So instead I will lay awake at night, picking myself up piece by piece as I silently fall apart. These wounds never heal, but that is the price of being at war with love.
Do I still really love Derek?
Reaching out, I ghosted my hand along Derek’s, watching as he retracted his hand away from me. He used to hold me for hours after making love, now this distance crushes me. By the way my body craved to be held by him no matter how dirty it made me feel confirmed my beliefs. I still love him. It hurts, but I still long for Derek.
The worst part of it all is I know why Derek was pulling away but still holding on so tight. It was my own stupidity. My idiotic ways messed up something that could have been beautiful.
I was holding back for the fear that Derek would change his mind, and now we were falling apart.
At some point I must have fallen asleep. Waking to an empty bed was not new, neither was the loneliness dwelling in my chest. Humiliation crept along my skin. I felt dirty. Dirty and used. Sitting up, the sheets spilled around my frail body, almost as if they were trying to put my shame on display. My bare skin was exposed to the cold, a shiver refusing to race down my spine.
Straining my ears, I heard no movement throughout the loft. Derek was long gone. Finally I could fall apart. I could let go of every barrier, I could let my frail walls crumble to my feet. I didn’t register the first tear. Instead, I stood swiftly, grabbing a change of clothes before walking to the shower. The filth on my skin had to be washed away. Where Derek held me, I could still feel his hands like a brand. I had to wash it away. Desperation tore through my stomach, curling it with the need to be clean again. Locking the door behind me on instinct, I took a deep breath in. This time I noticed my tears.
Feeling my cheeks tear apart, I punched the door weakly. I hate this. I hate what I have become. Stepping away, I went to the shower. Turning on the water, I didn’t bother testing the temperature. Feeling the water hit my skin, the feeling of being dirty grew. Grabbing the soap, I choked on a sob.
There must be a fault in my code somewhere.
I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, like there was something wrong with me. I want to stop. And it was all my fault. If I was better, then Derek wouldn’t have done what he did.
Dropping the soap, I screamed in frustration. Gripping my hair, I felt myself on the verge of a breakdown.
Why did I have to see it?
It was all my fault.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
It was all my fault.
What did I do wrong?
It was all my fault.
It was my fault Derek cheats.