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A Very Abridged Potter Musical

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SONGS

-"Hedwig's Theme"                                                        *CHOIR

-"Lily's Last Lullaby"                                                      *LILY

-"Going Back to Hogwarts" (dancing)                        *STUDENTS and DUMBLEDORE

-"Different As Can Be" (insert "Evil Plans")                *QUIRRELL and VOLDY

-"Granger Danger"                                                       *RON and DRACO

-"To Dance Again" (dancing)                                       *QUIRRELL and VOLDY and DE

-"Voldemort is Going Down" (dancing)                     *STUDENTS

-"Not Over Yet" (dancing)                                           *LUCIUS and DEATH EATERS

-"Double Trouble"                                                       *CHOIR

-"Not Alone"                                                                *CHOIR

-"Legends Never Die"                                                  *CHOIR

 

SCRIPT

(while auditorium is filling up HEDWIG'S THEME ON DO )

 

DIRECTOR: For the past many months, we've been working on perfecting this musical by honoring STARKID, the original writers of A Very Potter Musical, and still making this performance our own.  We've written in totally different scenes and cut out a lot from the original, which you can find on YouTube.  The link to their website is in your programs.  And before we move on with the show- I want to say thank you so much to these guys and their hard work.  None of this would be possible without their support and dedication.  I hope you all enjoy this performance.  [Raises wand.]  Nox.  [Lights turn off.]

 

STAGE MANAGER: At this time, Hogwarts staff and students would like to ask for you to please silence your cellphones and other electronic devices causing light and/or sound.  Anyone causing disruptive sounds such as a crying child will be asked to leave the auditorium as we are recording this performance.  We are authorized to hex you.

 

ACT 1 PART 1:

(Scene opens up with LILY holding HARRY, seated on a stool. JAMES rushes in)

 

JAMES: Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go, run! I'll hold him off-  [Light dims as they run offstage, J to SR & L to SL.  Light brightens slightly to reveal LILY lifting Harry into a cradle as loud noises thump in background.

 

LILY'S LULLABY:

Hush my child, the darkness won't last for long.

Hush, your father will keep us safe from all harm.

The night will pass to reveal a new day, sleep.

None shall harm you as long as I love you.

 

VOLDY: (strolls in) Stand aside, silly girl.

 

LILY: No, not Harry! Please, no, kill me instead! Not Harry! Have mercy...mercy..."

 

VOLDY: (laughs) [With a wave of VOLDY's wand and a flash of green, LILY crumples to floor. Another flash of green and a wave of VOLDY's wand - VOLDY screams, lights flash white to darkness. Silence.]

 

ACT 1 PART 2:

[Spotlight slowly reveals HARRY sitting on trunk with a yearning expression]

 

HARRY:

Underneath these stairs

I hear the sneers and feel glares of

my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.

 

Can't believe how cruel they are

and it stings my lighting scar

to know that they'll never ever give me what

I want.

 

I know I don't deserve these

stupid rules made by the Dursleys

here on Privet drive.

 

Can't take all of these muggles,

but despite all of my struggles,

I'm still alive.

 

I'm sick of summer and this waiting around.

Man, its September, and I'm skipping this

town

Hey, it's no mystery, there's nothing here for

me now

 

[stands] I gotta get back to Hogwarts,

I gotta get back to school.

Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,

where everybody knows I'm cool.

 

Back to wizards and witches, and magical

beasts,

to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.

Its all that I love, and it's all that I need.

HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm

going back--- [grabs suitcase and goes SL]

 

I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry

take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky

NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and

it's gonna be totally awesome

 

I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand

defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!

and do it all with my best friend ron, 'cuz

together we're totally awesome

 

RON: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally

awesome! [enters SR]

 

RON: Did somebody say Ron Weasley?  (manly embrace)

 

HARRY:  Hey, what's up buddy?

 

RON: Hey man, sorry it took me so long to get here, I had to get some floo powder.  So get everything you need and let's get going!

 

HARRY: Where?

 

RON: To Diagon Alley, of course! 

 

HARRY: Cool!

 

Together: Floo powder power, floo powder power, floo powder power... [CS-upstage half stage circles.  Harry drops suitcase off UL. 

 

RON: It's been so long, but we're going

back don't go for work, don't go there for

class

 

HARRY: As long as were together--

 

RON: -- gonna kick some grass

 

HARRY & RON:

... and its gonna be totally awesome!

This year we'll take everybody by storm,

stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm

 

HERMIONE: [comes through back curtain, UC.  Grabs shoulders and pushes in b/w H and R.] But let's not forget that we

need to perform well in class if we want to

pass our OWLS!

 

RON: (spoken) Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?

 

HERMIONE: (spoken) Because, guys, school's not all about fun and games. We have to study

hard if we want to be good witches and wizards!

 

HERMIONE:

I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart

check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start

what I lack in looks well I make up in heart,

and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome

This year I plan to study a lot...

 

RON: That would be cool if you were actually hot.

 

HARRY: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only

friends that she's got!

 

RON: and that's cool...

 

HERMIONE: ... and that's totally awesome

 

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:

Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!

[Students start entering through SR and SL to snap in wide circle upstage.]

We're sick of summer and this waiting

around

it's like we're sitting in the lost and found

 

HERMIONE:

don't take no sorcery

for anyone to see how...[students fly arms out of circle]

 

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:

[H,R,He head SR, circle of students head SL]

We gotta get back to Hogwarts

We gotta get back to school

[DR] We gotta get back to Hogwarts

Where everything is magic-cooooool

 

[Students exit SL with random movements] Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts

It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at

Hogwarts, Hogwarts

 I think we're going back...

 

 

 

GINNY: Ron! [bursts from SR, going past He, H, to grab Ron.] You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's and use those sickles that mom gave you for my robe fitting!

 

HARRY: Who's this? [steps behind G, peering down at her after she blows past him.  Hermy stands awkwardly, Ron cuts in front to smack G.

 

RON: Uh, this is stupid little dumb sister Ginny.  Ginny, this is Harry.   Harry Potter.

 

GINNY: You're Harry Potter.  You're the Boy-Who-Lived!  [He, G, H, R]

 

HARRY: Yeah...and you're Ginny.

 

GINNY: It's Ginevra.

 

HARRY: Cool.  Ginny's fine.  [at some point, H, He, R, G.  They are mid L and C.]

 

RON: Stupid sister! (slaps her and she squeals) Don't crowd the famous friend!

 

HERMIONE: Do you guys hear music or something?

 

HARRY: Music?  What are you talking about?

 

RON: Yeah, someone's coming. 

 

CHO'S POSSE: [Lav, Padma/Pansy, Cho.  Enter SL and from DL to R, dance thing.]

Cho Chang

Domo arigato, Cho Chang

Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang

Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang

 

GINNY: Who's that? 

 

HARRY: That's...that's Cho Chang.

 

RON: Yeah, that's the girl Harry's been totally in love with since first year.

 

HERMIONE: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her.

 

RON: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl that you like her; it makes you look like an idiot!


GINNY: [walks C to R, up to Lav] Konichiwa, Cho Chang.  It is good to meet you.  I am Ginny Weasley.

 

LAVENDER: Girl, I ain't Cho Chang! [major sassiness needed]

 

RON: That's Lavender Brown!  (slaps her and she squeals) Racist sister!

 

CHO: [walks in front of posse, C.] Oh, that's all right.  I'm Cho Chang, ya'll.

 

HARRY: She is totally perfect.  [Order onstage: Posse, G, Cho, H, He, R]

 

RON: Yeah, it's too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory. [steps forward.  it's fine if Hermy is covered a lot]

 

HARRY: What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?

 

RON: He's that guy, you know, he's just like you except...

 

CEDRIC:

Oh, Cho Chang

I am so in love with Cho Chang

From Bangkok to Ding Dang

I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang  [dances off with Cho SR]

 

HARRY: Ugh, I hate that guy. I hate him.

 

RON: So are we gonna get those robes or not?

 

GINNY: Okay, all right, let's go!  [H, R, He, G run offstage L. Posse follow Cho.  they walk back in SL, rack of robes sliding with them.  SR, C/G and Draco sort through another rack of robes.  Lights are dim, with a spotlight on GINNY, who is DC.) 

 

GINNY: Harry.  Harry. Why can't you see what you're doing to me?(Hermy grabs G's arm to show her a robe, interrupting moment. Nev walks in SL, looking down.  C/G walk up to engage NEVILLE while D is trying on robe and admiring himself.  Nev accidentally runs into C/G.)

 

GOYLE: Present your arm, nerd!  (He grabs Nev's arm and curses it)  Indian burn hex! (Neville falls to the ground with a groan, holding his arm.)

 

CRABBE: Yeah!  (he jeers)  (HARRY and the others arrive)

 

HARRY: Ugh.  Crabbe and Goyle.  [walks forward]

 

GINNY: (rushes to NEVILLE) Oh no, are you okay?  (She helps him offstage)

 

HARRY: Hey, why don't you just leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?

 

GOYLE: Well, well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter.

 

CRABBE:  You think because you're all famous, you can boss everyone around! 

 

HARRY: I just don't think it's cool for guys your size to be picking on guys like Neville!

 

GOYLE: Oh, well you know what I think?  I think glasses (he grabs HARRY'S glasses) are for nerds! (he breaks them.  Harry is reaching out, lost without his glasses.)  We hate nerds!

 

CRABBE: And girls!

 

HERMIONE: All right, everyone just calm down!  (HERMY, RON, and GINNY are seen.  HERMY walks up to HARRY and fixes his glasses) Oculus Reparo!

 

HARRY: Woah, cool!

 

HERMIONE: Now let's leave these baby childish jerks alone!

 

DRACO: (He rolls into view) Did someone say Draco Malfoy?

 

RON: What do you want, Draco?

 

DRACO: Crabbe, Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you?  So, Potter!  (starts circling the group)  Back for another at Hogwarts, are you?  Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard.  (dramatic flair)

 

HARRY: (Puts his arm around HERMY and RON) Listen, Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world.  I wouldn't trade them for anything (GINNY tries to get in on it, but RON pushes her away.)

 

DRACO: Have it your way.  (Notices Ginny.)  Wait.  Don't tell me.  Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion: you must be a Weasley. 

 

RON: Oh my Rowling, lay off, Malfoy! (Steps forward threateningly) She may be a pain in the butt, but she's my pain in the butt. 

 

DRACO:  (Steps back) Well, isn't this cute.  It's like a little loser family.  Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs.  Luckily, next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!

 

 

DRACO: This year you bet, I'm gonna get

outta here. The reign of Malfoy is drawing

near. I'll have the greatest wizard career,

and its gonna be totally awesome!

Look out world, for the dawn of the day

When everyone will do whatever I say

And that Potter won't be in my way, and then

I'll be the one who is totally awesome!

 

GOYLE:

Yeah you'll be the one who is totally

awesome.

 

(train whistle)

 

HERMIONE: (spoken) Guys, c'mon, we're going to miss the train! (they rush into train formation)

 

ALL:

Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?

Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow

 

HARRY: Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!

 

RON: Oh no, that be WAY too awesome

 

ALL:

We're back to learn everything that we can

It's great to come back to where we began

And here we are, and alakazam! Here we go,

this is totally awesome!

Come on and teach us everything you know

The summers over and were itchin' to go

 

NEVILLE: I think we're ready for- Albus Dumbledore!

 

DUMBLEDORE:

Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts

I welcome all of you to school

Did you know that here at Hogwarts

We've got a hidden swimming pool?

Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts

Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools

Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts

Id like to go over just a couple of rules:

 

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken) My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster at Hogwarts.

You can call me Dumbledore. I suppose you can also call me Albus if you want detention. Nope, I'm just kiddin', I'll expel you if you call me Albus.

 

ALL:

Back to wizards and witches, and magical

beasts

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts

It's all that I love, and all that I need.

at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

 

(CANDY LADY runs through audience a

couple times, tossing redvines and yelling

"Candy from the trolley!")

 

ALL:

Back to spells and enchantments, potions

and friends,

To Gryffindors!

Hufflepuffs!

Ravenclaws!

Slytherins!

Back to the place where our story begins

Its Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

 

DUMBLEDORE:

I'm sorry, what's its name?

 

ALL:

Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

 

DUMBLEDORE:

I didn't hear you kids!

 

ALL:

Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

 

 

 

HARRY: Man, I'm glad I'm back! (Lights off, benches get pushed on by crew.)

 

ACT 1 PART 3:


(Students are seated on benches in the Great Hall.  DUMBLEDORE walks back and forth in the middle of them while he talks.)


ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts!  And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter!  (Whoots from Gryffindor)  He killed Valdemort when he was just a baby!  He's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it.  And a very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny- 'scuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley!  

 

GINNY WEASLEY: Um, yeah, I'm a girl and um, also, (slowly stands up) aren't I supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?  (giggles nervously)


DUMBLEDORE: Well, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat.  He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference aren't going to be back until next year.  (Ginny sits down)   Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin (hisses), and the other two can go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care.  


CEDRIC DIGGORY: (Stands up proudly, grinning) Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!


DUMBLEDORE: What the hell is a hufflepuff?  (Cedric continues to grin, shrugs, and sits)  Anyway, it's time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape! (Voices and groaning from the crowd: Aw man!)


RON WEASLEY: That Snape, I'd hoped they'd fired that guy!  


GINNY: Why, what's wrong with Professor Snape?


RON: (in a "duh" kind of voice) Uh, nothing, he's just, uh, evil!


(SNAPE enters, grimacing, and holding his cape around him, giving little nods to the crowd.)


HARRY: C'mon Ron, he's really not that bad, I don't know what you're talking about-"


SEVERUS SNAPE: Harry Potter...detention! [flails out of DC - back curtain]


HARRY: (stands up angrily) What?


SNAPE: [sneers over shoulder] For talking out of turn. Now, before we all begin, I'm going to give you all your very, very first...pop quiz!  (Everyone groans except for HERMIONE.  She grins readily.)  Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?  (HERMIONE raises her hand eagerly and says, "oo!")  Yes, Miss Granger...? (LC. Annoyed)

[During pop quiz, Snape looks to Students for answer, notices HERMY, rolls eyes to audience as piano plays Jeopardy. Annoyed, he finally calls on her.]


HERMIONE: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touched it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter! (All in one breath) (RC)


SNAPE: Very gooood...now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?  (Hermione raises her hand and waves it around.)  Yes, Ms. Granger.


HERMIONE: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.  (All in one breath. Sighs in satisfaction when finished.)


SNAPE: Perfect. And remember, a portkey can be a sort of simply harmless object, like...a football, or a dolphin.  (Dumbledore is nodding in agreement.)


LAVENDER: Professor?  Can, like, a person be a portkey?


SNAPE: No, that's absurd!  Because then if a person were to touch themselves...(looks at Ron, who is dumbfounded.  Ginny is laughing.)...they would constantly be transported into different places.  A person can, however be a horcrux."


HARRY: What's uh, what's a horcrux? [dismisses piano Jeopardy, which slams keys, waking Ginny who had begun to snore]


SNAPE: I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough. [Lights fade and benches are arranged into Voldy's bed.]

 

ACT 1 PART 4:

(Lights. QUIRRELL enters.  No music.)

 

QUIRRELL: Fools!  They're all fools.  They think they're safe.  They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts.  Little did they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses.  Or should I say...on the back of their heads?  (turns around and rips the turban off)

 

VOLDY: (GRAGH, which turns to coughing) I can't breathe in that damn turban!

 

QUIRRELL: I'm sorry, My Lord, it's a necessary precaution.  For if they knew that you lived, that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on...

 

VOLDY: Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the forbidden forest, eating bugs and mushrooms and -ugh- unicorn blood. 

 

QUIRRELL: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.

 

VOLDY: Yes...nobody must know any of that. (they nod) Now, Quirrell. Get me some water. [stage hand rushes out, produces water] Now, Quirrell.  Pour it in my mouth!

 

QUIRRELL: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my Liege.

 

VOLDY: Yes, yes, yes, I'm done with the water!  (tapping noise. waves wand, owl enters.)  What is that?

 

QUIRRELL: My Lord, it is an owl!

 

VOLDY: I know that!  Just go get that letter, you swine!  And wash that turban!  It tickles my nose.

 

QUIRRELL: Yes, my Dark King.

 

OWL:  Letter for the Dark Lord!  Letter for the Dark Lord! [caught by Quirrell grabbing her wing]

 

QUIRRELL: It is a letter for you, My Lord!

 

VOLDY: I know, Quirrell.  I hear everything you hear!  And relax it with all this Dark King, okay.  I watch you wipe your butt daily.  You can call me Voldemort. We're there, we've reached that point.

 

QUIRRELL: Yes, yes my-Voldemort. [owl staggers off]

 

VOLDY: Now, Quirrell.  Read it to me!

 

[Bed is in between RC and C but closer to UR. Owl enters SL, flys counter-clockwise and is caught DL. DE sneak out UR -> UC, exit UR "Evil plans...we are making evil plans...evil plans!"]

 

QUIRRELL: (Opens letter. He starts to read.) My- my Dark Liege, in your absence, your faithful- (his voice fades and BELLA overlaps.  She is sitting in a chair writing the letter on a desk, reading as she writes.)

 

BELLATRIX: Your faithful Death Eaters have been bitterly watching Mudbloods and Muggles prance about and they grow restless.  The dirty-bloods slipping out of their rightful place is unacceptable! We must condition them for your return, (chorus of Death Eaters begin singing "Evil Plans") for the day they bow down to you.  Allow me, your most faithful love, to make the evilest of plans to crush these fools!  Then you'll take total control, and we'll be together again.  Those fruity cocktails on the beach, Shakespeare in the park, murders in the schools; all shall be as it was before.  You do remember what purple flowers symbolize? (Lavender rose = enchantment?) With all my love, XO-

QUIRRELL: (he finishes reading.)  -XOXO, your Bella. 

 

VOLDY: Er.  (pause) Now, ah...Quirrell...get us ready for bed.  We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter.  (QUIRRELL moves the turban from the bed to the chair, and plumps the pillow.)  Tonight in the Great Hall, he was so close, I could have touched him.  Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. (QUIRRELL drinks Listerine) I can taste it!  It tastes like...cool mint!

 

QUIRRELL: That's our Listerine, Voldemort.

 

VOLDY: Yes...excellent. (They stand sideways to the bed.) Well Quirrell...goodnight, Quirrell.

 

QUIRRELL: Goodnight. (He lays on his back- which is Voldys tummy.)

 

VOLDY: .........Okay, okay, I can't do this. You gotta roll over, I can't sleep on my tummy.  (muffled voice)

 

QUIRRELL: I'm sorry, I always sleep on my back, I have back troubles, it's the only way I'm comfortable!

 

VOLDY: You roll over right now!  Or I'll...I'll eat your pillow!  You'll be having a dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow but really you'll wake up and your favorite goose feather pillow will be missing!  

 

QUIRRELL: (rolls over so they're on their sides) Fine, we'll compromise.  We'll sleep on our sides. 

 

VOLDY: Okay, I guess I can do this.

 

QUIRRELL: Well, goodnight.

 

VOLDY: Goodnight, Quirrell. (Silence.  He stares at clothing on chair.) ...Hey, Quirrell.  How long have those robes been on that chair?

 

QUIRRELL: I think they're from last night -I just put them there for now. 

 

VOLDY: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What's your plan for these?

 

QUIRRELL: I think I'll just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the morning, okay?

 

VOLDY: Wha- no!  No-no, that's not okay!  I can't go to sleep knowing there are dirty clothes on that chair!  The chair is going to start to smell like dirty clothes!

 

QUIRRELL: Look, I promise I'll put them away in the morning!

 

VOLDY: You put them away. Right. Now! I command you to get up and- fold them, at least!  Make it into a neat pile! (they sit up with a grunt)

 

QUIRRELL: Look.  If we're going to be in this situation for a while, we're going to have to learn to live with each other.  Now I've been single for all my life, and I have some habits.  And sometimes I leave laundry around.

 

VOLDY: Well, I believe that everything has its place.  Muggles have their place.  Mudbloods have their place. And so do your clothes!  Namely, a dresser! 

 

QUIRRELL: Well! Aren't we an odd couple!  (Puts hands on hips)

 

 

 

DIFFERENT AS CAN BE

QUIRRELL:

You won't sleep on your tummy

 

VOLDEMORT:

You won't sleep on your back

 

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree

 

QUIRRELL:

We share some hands and fingers

 

VOLDEMORT:

And yet the feeling lingers

 

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

We're just about as different as anyone could

be

 

VOLDEMORT:

You like plotting a garden and I like plotting

to kill

 

QUIRRELL:

You think that you should rule the world, I

think books are a thrill!

Sipping tea by the fire is swell

 

VOLDEMORT:

Pushing people in is fun as well

I like folding all my ties

 

QUIRRELL:

And you have no friends, hey that's a

surprise.

 

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

I guess it's plain to see

when you look at you and me

we're different

different

as can be

 

VOLDEMORT:

You're a sissy, a fool, a girl! I'm the darkest

of lords!

 

QUIRRELL:

I'm the brightest professor here, I've won

several awards.

 

VOLDEMORT:

My new world is about to unfold

 

QUIRRELL:

You got beat by a two year old.

 

VOLDEMORT:

I'll kill him this time through and through

 

QUIRRELL:

Or you might just give him another tattoo

 

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

You really must agree

when you look at you and me

were different

different

as can-

 

VOLDEMORT:

I'll rise again and I'll rule the world

But you must help me renew

For when our plan succeeds

 

QUIRRELL:

Prevails!

 

VOLDEMORT:

Part of that world goes to you

 

QUIRRELL:

When I rule the world I'll plant flowers

 

VOLDEMORT:

When I rule the world I'll have snakes

And goblins, and werewolves, and giants,

and thestrals,

a fleet of dementors, and all my Death

Eaters!

(QUIRRELL: And Jane Austin novels)

 

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!!

 

 

BEANS


 

When they say every flavour,

They mean every flavour.

Put your hand in,

Who knows what you're getting,

Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour beans,

They are a risk with every mouthful.

 

Coleslaw, and cracker and hot waffles with jam

There's also caviar, and pigeon and peter picked a peck of pickled peppers

And green ones you'd only try if you're Godric Gryffindor,

With your eyes closed, when you're much too sick to smell a thing,

And cocoa, and milk and chile sauce and Branston pickle,

You could try that grey one,

But rather you than me 'cause I'm a Slytherin…

 

When they say every flavour,

They mean every flavour.

Put your hand in,

Who knows what you're getting,

Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour beans,

They are a risk with every mouthful.

 

 

 

 

ACT 2 PART 1:

(scene opens up to Great Hall filled with students in Yule Ball clothing. Couples twirl in the background.  RON comes in and makes his way to HARRY, who is off to a side.)

 

HARRY: Hey, Ron.

 

RON: Hey, man, have you seen Hermione anywhere?

 

HARRY: No, why?

 

RON: Oh, it's nothing.  It's just, I heard Padma tell Lavender she had seen Hermione in the girls bathroom, crying her eyes out in a stall.

 

HARRY: Crying?

 

RON: I know.  Isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard?  I mean, I don't know.  It was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that nobody would like her. 

 

DRACO: Hey, you two over here talking about Granger?

 

HARRY: Get out of here, it's none of your business. Why don't you go dance with Pansy over there?

 

DRACO: Oh...(Pansy walks over) Hey, go get me some punch!

 

PANSY: Okay...I should tell you, there's Squirt in it...

 

DRACO: Squirt?  Nevermind, I'll stay dehydrated! (Harry and Ron give him horrified looks. They both love Squirt. Pansy comes over and tries to dance]  Go powder your nose or something!

 

PANSY: But I just fixed my make-up a little while ago.

 

DRACO: Trust me.  You need more powder. (Pansy walks off) So anyway, at least Granger's not around here.  No one would be able to keep their food down with that ugly mug of hers darting about.

 

RON: Why don't you just give her a break for once, okay Malfoy?

 

DRACO: Why defending her, Weasley?  Have a crush? 

 

RON: No!  (shakes head frantically)  Why all the insults, Malfoy?  Covering up a crush?

 

DRACO: Oh!  Right, right, like I could ever have a crush on that stupid-

 

LAVENDER: Oh, my Rowling! (HERMIONE has just entered, spotlight on her.)

 

CHO: She looks beautiful, bless her heart!

 

(spotlight on HERMIONE fades and highlights RON.)

 

Ron sings.  (HERMIONE is seen wandering crowd.  Spotlight fades and highlights DRACO)  Draco sings.  (Spotlight highlights DRACO and RON) Ron and Draco sing.

 

 

 

GRANGER DANGER

RON:

Here I am face to face

with a situation

I never ever thought Id see

Strange how a dress

can take a mess

and make her nothing less than

beautiful to me

I feel like my eyes have been transfigured

something deep inside has changed

they've been open wide, but hold that trigger

this could mean . Danger

I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in

love

I could be falling in love, falling in love,

falling in love

with Hermione Granger.

 

DRACO:

WHAT? what the hell is this?

You expect me to sing about her?

don't care about her.

It's just a little make up-

Draco, wake up

I'm mistaken

She- is the hottest girl I've ever seen

Now- because she's like a girl I've never

seen

don't know why- I'd ever be so mean!

This could mean DANGER!

I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in

love

I could be falling in love, falling in love,

falling in love

With Hermione Granger.

 

MALFOY & RON: I wanna let her know....

 

MALFOY: I feel so queezy...

 

MALFOY & RON: But I can't let it show...

 

RON: She'd laugh, poor Weasley,

Come on, Ron!

 

DRACO: Draco!

 

TOGETHER: You gotta let it go, you gotta

let it go...

 

At the same time-----

 

MALFOY:

What? What the hell is this?

I want to sing about her

sing about her,

I want to make up

Granger, wake up

I've been mistaken

She-is the hottest girl I've ever seen

Now- because she's like a girl I've never

seen

don't know why... I'd ever be so mean, this

could mean danger!

 

RON:

Here I am face to face

with a situation

I never thought I'd see

Strange how a dress

can take a mess

and make her nothing less than

beautiful to me

I feel like my eyes have been transfigured

something deep inside has changed

they've been open wide, but hold that trigger

this could mean....Danger

 

TOGETHER:

I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in

love

I could be falling in love, falling in love,

falling in love

With Hermione Granger.

With Hermione Grander.

With Hermione Granger.

Danger!

 

(Stage lights normally again.)

HARRY: Wait a second!  Wait a hot second, I know what's going on!  (He looks over at HERMY and points at RON) You've got a crush!  (Ron starts to shake his head and then he started nodding.) You should go over there and tell her how much you care about her, okay?  Maybe you should ask her to dance.

 

RON: No!  Then she'd know that I liked her!  And you never tell a girl that you like them because it makes you look like an idiot!

 

HARRY: I know you'll look like an idiot.  That is inevitable. But listen, it's something you have to do!  You have to move forward if you ever want her to like you back.  And what have you got to lose?  We look like idiots anyway, I mean seriously, look at our robes.  If we dressed like this in the muggle world, we would get our asses kicked.  You have nothing to lose, absolutely nothing.  (starts looking over at Ginny)  You just gotta give her a chance.  And you'll see something you've never even seen before, yeah? (Starts walking over to girls) Maybe find something special like the whole time you just really hadn't the guts to say anything.

 

RON: Harry, where are you going?  I'm still mad and sad.

 

HARRY: Hold on!  (holds up finger) HP is going to take his own advice now. (to GINNY) Hey, Ginny, you wanna dance?  It's the whole point of the evening. [Ron pouts and goes to stress eat]

 

GINNY: Wowee!

 

HARRY: I gotta warn you, I learned all my best dancing moves from Hagrid, so I'm not that great.  (he twirls her around.)

 

GINNY: I'm sure you'll be fine.  Wow.  Harry Potter.  I don't care what anybody says, you're the best dancer that ever was! 

 

HARRY: Well, I got a confession to make, Ginny.  These shoes here?  (they look at his shoes)  They're magical enchanted dancing shoes.

 

GINNY: Wowee, Harry Potter!  (he twirls her again)

 

HARRY: I'm just messing with you.  I'm just awesome at dancing. (they spin)  I'm feeling kind of dizzy.

 

GINNY: It's from all this spinning, huh? (they stop spinning.)  Maybe we should stop spinning.

 

HARRY: We have stopped spinning.  (stare into eyes) Wait, no!  I can't do this. You're my best friend's little sister, you're Ron Weasley's sister, (looks disgusted) I'm sorry Ginny, I can't do this.  (Ginny looks heartbroken and runs off crying.  Harry winces and turns) Hey, Cho, c'mon, dance with me; I'm Harry Potter.  (He pulls her from Cedric's arms and she resumes the same position.)

 

CEDRIC:  Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady. (Hands on hips, still smiling)

 

HARRY: Yeah, I know, and I'm (makes noise) cutting in.

CEDRIC: Well, I FIND that to be very rude.

 

HARRY: Alright Cedric, why don't we FIND out what the lady has to say about it.

 

CHO: Oh, boys. There's no need to fight over little old me!

 

CEDRIC: Oh, Cho-

 

HARRY: That is it, Cedric, we are dueling!

 

CHO: Oh, Godric's Hollow, all this excitement is makin' me thirsty!  (smiles expectantly)

 

HARRY: Oh, Cho, I can get you something to drink! I'll get you some punch!

 

CEDRIC: No, I'll get the punch.

 

HARRY: No, I'll get the punch!

 

CEDRIC: Fine.  Have the punch!  (punches HARRY)

 

HARRY: (grabs punch ladle) Cedric Diggory, I'm going to kill you! 

 

CEDRIC: (puts hand in front of him to block the ladle. They are both holding onto ladle and spinning around, lights flashing around the portkey.  Students exit.)

 

DUMBLEDORE: OMG, the punch ladle is gone.

 

SNAPE: Hmm, then how are we supposed to drink it? [Gives pointed looks stage left. Meanwhile Ron has been stress eating and pokes up behind punch table with a straw, and ninja-like slurps some punch. The Punch Line.]

 

SNAPE: Then how are we supposed to DRINK it? [Another pointed look. Death Eaters from the side of the stage rustle, and Snape holds curtain open for them.]

 

DEATH EATER: That's the cue word! [Death eaters rush on stage, chasing students off. Ron hides under punch table, Draco clings under a bench.]

 

 

 

 

ACT 2 PART 2:

(CEDRIC and HARRY fall and then get back up in the Graveyard.  A tombstone is propped up)

 

CEDRIC: Ah, where are we?

 

HARRY: I don't know, Cedric, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed up! 

 

CEDRIC: Well, it seems clear to me that the punch ladle was a portkey!  And now, thanks to you, we've been transported to some mystery location!

 

HARRY: (stares for a tic) Brilliant, well you're a Hufflepuff, why don't you FIND a way out of this place, okay? 

 

CEDRIC: Harry, I think I found something! (points to tombstone)  It appears to be a headstone!  We must be in some sort of graveyard.  Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thoms Riddle.  Riddle me this, eh, Potter?

 

HARRY: (looking around) Cedric, I don't know about this place; I think we gotta get out of here. 

 

CEDRIC: Harry, you're a Gryffindor, where's your sense of adventure?

 

HARRY: (throws his arms in air) Rowling, Cedric!  You are so annoying, okay?  You're like this guy, who's around all the time when I don't need a guy around.  You're this spare guy, all the time. This spare dude.  You're such a spare!

 

VOLDY: Kill the spare!  Avada Kedavra!  (HARRY falls over, but CEDRIC stands)

 

CEDRIC: (falls) So many regrets!  I'm dead! (He dies.  HARRY looks horrified.)

 

HARRY: Oh my wizard god!

 

QUIRRELL: Not so fast!  Petrificus totalus!

 

HARRY: Professor Quirrell, you just killed Cedric!

 

QUIRRELL: Not I, Potter.  But perhaps you'd like to see who did?  (turns around.)  He's dying to see you. (pulls off turban)

 

VOLDY: GRAHH!  Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived! It's good to see you again.

 

DEATH EATER TONY: (brings out cauldro n with SNAPE's help.)  The cauldron is ready my Lord!

 

HARRY: Cauldron?  What are you guys gonna do, eat me?

 

VOLDY: Ah, as delicious a dish as I'd think you'd make, Potter, I'd need a stomach of my own to digest you.  And I haven't got one of those...yet!  (QUIRRELLMORT walks behind cauldron.  QUIRRELL plugs his nose and dives into it. DEATH EATER TONY throws a bone into the cauldron and SNAPE pulls out a knife and cuts off his hand.)

 

SNAPE: AHHH!  OWWW!  (continues being very dramatic.  DEATH EATER TONY walks over to HARRY with knife and slices his arm.)

 

HARRY: Pain!

 

SNAPE: Detention, Potter!

 

HARRY: Detention? This guy must be as big of an douche-canoe as Snape is.

 

(Cauldron emits loud noises.  QUIRRELL leaps out, flailing. He pumps a fist in the air when he lands.   Evil cackling is heard from cauldron.  VOLDY rises.  He has trouble standing when he jumps out of cauldron. When he steps forward, it is obvious he wears tap shoes.) 

 

TO DANCE AGAIN

VOLDEMORT:

When I was a boy

An orphan boy

I'd love to move my feet

I'd hear a tune and start to swoon

My life would seem complete

The other boys would laugh and jeer

But I'd catch 'em tappin' their toes

Cause when I'd start to sway, they'd get

carried away.

And oh, how the feeling grows...

I'd take my foot

My little foot

And with that foot

Oh, how I'd start to shake

I'd take two feet

Two tiny feat

Hey look! That's neat!

it's coming true

I finally get to dance again! Wahoo!

To dance again

I've been waiting all these years

To dance again

Now, at once, a chance appears

to hear that beat, so on your feet

Its time to dance again!

(spoken) C'mon potter! Imperio!

You take your foot

Your little foot

Hey look! Your foot!

See how it starts to shake!

 

QUIRRELL:

Ooh try his arms!

How bout a twirl!

He's like a girl!

How overdue!

I finally get to dance again with you!

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:

To dance again!

I've (you've) been waiting all these years

To dance again

Now at once a chance appears

Its lovely swaying, and the music's playing

So come on! Let's dance again!

 

VOLDEMORT: Everybody!

DEATH EATERS:

I take my foot!

(VOLDEMORT: You take your foot)

My little foot!

(VOLDEMORT: Take that little foot!)

And oh my foot!

(VOLDEMORT: Lemme hear it now!)

Look how it starts to shake

Oh, Voldy's back

(VOLDEMORT: Hello world!)

For the attack

(VOLDEMORT: I'm gonna getcha!)

Hell take over the world, it's true

But first there's something he's gotta do

 

ALL:

He'll dance again!

He's been waiting all these years

To dance again

Now at once a chance appears

 

VOLDEMORT:

Everybody make way for a pas de bourre

 

ALL:

It's time to dance

It's time to dance

Its time to dance again!

 

 

 ACT 2 PART 3:

(A few students run from a threatening group of Death Eaters that pushes through the crowd and knocking several down. The rest, exhausted, fall down in defeat. Light fades and spotlight center stage on VOLDY.)

 

VOLDY: (slaps wand on ground and clears throat) People of Hogwarts! It's me. Harry Potter is dead. He was killed while running away, trying to save himself while you laid down your lives for him. Dumbledore and Edward Cullen are also dead. The battle is won! My Death Eaters outnumber you. Continue to resist and be slaughtered. Come out of the castle! Kneel before me, and you may be spared. (slaps wand against ground)

 

RON: Alright, uh, you guys, barricade the door! Cho! Um, you, you see if Neville's dead. (CHO checks. RON points to the rest of STUDENTS.) You guys go get snacks. Oh, crap, we barricaded the door...me, I will quit, um well there's only one thing we need to do. We need to fight.

 

DRACO: (groans) Come on, I'm tired! (lays on floor) Can't we just be Death Eaters?

 

RON: No! No, we can't just be Death Eaters. (nudges fallen MALLOY on ground with foot) We are gonna fight, okay? And we are gonna fight so hard (slaps DRACO with wand) that we are gonna win.

 


VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN

 

RON:

He thinks that were finished

He thinks that were done

He thinks that its over

His battle is won-Ha!

He thinks that its finished

but we aren't through

stop and think my friend

what would Harry do for you?

 

HERMIONE:

Harry never gave up the fight

Harry stood up for what is right

So now it's our turn

 

RON & HERMIONE:

Our turn

Make a joyful sound

Voldemort is going down

 

RON & HERMIONE:

We must unite

so we can fight

turn the battle around

times running out

its time to shout

Voldemort is going down

 

HERMIONE:

Cant you feel a fire burning

now its time to be a man

a great big muscley super big super hot man

 

RON & DRACO:

Aaa!

 

ALL:

We wont be pushed around anymore

well be a force you cannot ignore

well be an army for Dumbledore

For Dumbledore

(DUMBLEDORE struts

around on side of stage)

We must unite

so we can fight

turn the battle around

times running out

its time to shout

Voldemort is going down!

 

HARRY: (speech) Hey guys, I'm still alive!

I figured out what that horcrux crap was all about- it's completely random and totally out of the blue, but we can defeat Voldemort!

Everybody follow me! We're going to

beat him!

 

ALL:

We must unite so

we can fight

turn the battle around

time's running out

its time to shout

Voldemort is goiiiiiing

(We must unite

so we can fight

Voldemort is going down!)

 

 

 

ACT 2 PART 4:

[Opens in a meeting place in Knockturn Alley. Lucius stands and waits as Yaxley rushes in.]

 

LUCIUS: You're late.

 

YAXLEY: Late! What's it matter? Look at this morning's Prophet. "The Boy-Who-Lived Does it Again. The Dark Lord Dead For Good.  I knew it! We backed the wrong side. Again!

 

LUCIUS: Calm yourself, Yaxley. Do you have what I sent you for or not?

 

YAXLEY: Yeah, I got it. I had to break into the Ministry, but I got it. [pulls out a time-turner.] Not even a day after the Dark Lord's death and they've already got wizard cops out after us.

 

LUCIUS: Damn those wizard cops! Well, none of that matters as long as we have this. (holds up time-turner)

 

YAXLEY: Who do you think you are? We don't stand a chance against those wizard cops, not even you, Lucius Malfoy!

 

 

NOT OVER YET


LUCIUS:

Don't ever tell me what I can't do

I'd watch my tongue if I were you

for all we know, you-know-who

could be watching us

 

YAXLEY:

[spoken] "He can't be, he's dead!"

 

LUCIUS:

You think that's stopped our plans before?

You've no idea what I have in store!

You really think that you'd be at my door

if we had nothing to discuss?

He may be gone, but that is just as well...

So come inside, don't you fret

for it's not over yet! 

 

[exit off stage]

 

DEATH EATER CHORUS:

[DE enter onstage]

Evil plans!

We are making evil plans!

Evil deeds with evil hands!

We love making evil plans!

 

DEATH EATERS:

[spoken] Why have you called us here, Lucius? We have no future anymore.

 

LUCIUS:

I know it seems impossible, we've been thrown off our track.

But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back?

Friends and companions of evil and sin:

Think not of loss, but a new way to win.

For what is present without a beginning

to start it all?

 

YAXLEY:

[spoken] "Go on..."

 

LUCUIS:

There is a boy that everyone knows;

The plan is simple: I propose that

we choke cut the weed before it grows

up and ends it all

Do you follow me?

 

DEATH EATER #1:"No."

 

LUCIUS:

The Dark Lord

Would have survived, had they never met...

 

DEATH EATER #2:

[spoken] "So you're saying that he wouldn't be destroyed?"

 

LUCIUS:

He'd be alive, what don't you get?

 

DEATH EATER #3: "Still not understanding..."

 

LUCIUS:

With Potter gone, the future will be set!

 

DEATH EATERS:

[spoken] "Aaahhhhhh!"

 

LUCIUS:

... So it's not over yet!

 

DEATH EATERS:

Evil plans!

What a brilliant evil plan!

Malfoy, you're an evil man!

We love making evil plans!

Our history is nothing more

than what the losers settle for

 

LUCIUS:

So look alive, and don't forget

that's it's not over

 

ALL:

It's not over,

No, it's not over yet!

 

HARRY: Uh, yeah it's totally over.  Clear the stage, guys.

 

[Prepare for jam session w/ original Wrock as well as a couple songs that were cut and/or from AVPS.]

 

NOT ALONE

 

I've been alone

Surrounded by darkness

I've seen how heartless

The world can be

 

I've seen you crying

You felt like it's hopeless

I'll always do my best

To make you see

 

Baby, you're not alone

Cause you're here with me

And nothing's ever gonna bring us down

Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you

And you know it's true

It don't matter what'll come to be

Our love is all we need to make it through

 

Now I know it ain't easy

But it ain't hard trying

Every time I see you smiling

And I feel you so close to me

And you tell me

 

Baby, you're not alone

Cause you're here with me

And nothing's ever gonna bring us down

Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you

And you know it's true

It don't matter what'll come to be

Our love is all we need to make it through

 

I still have trouble

I trip and stumble

Trying to make sense of things sometimes

I look for reasons

But I don't need 'em

All I need is to look in your eyes

And I realize

 

Baby I'm not alone

Cause you're here with me

And nothing's ever gonna take us down

Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you

And you know it's true

It don't matter what'll come to be

Our love is all we need to make it through, ooh

 

Cause you're here with me

And nothing's ever gonna bring us down

Cause nothing, nothing, nothing can keep me from lovin' you

And you know it's true

It don't matter what'll come to be

You know our love is all we need

Our love is all we need to make it through.

 

DRACO: [wanders out] Uh, I just wanted to say, that song you guys just sang was really beautiful. I was backstage working out my (sings high note) but you wrapped it up before I could chime in there. Maybe if you do a reprise, I could have a go at it? [Stares]

 

 

DOUBLE TROUBLE

 

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Something wicked this way comes!

 

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

lizard's leg and owlet's wing.

 

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Something wicked this way comes!

 

In the cauldron boil and bake,

fillet of a fenny snake,

scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,

witches mummy, maw and gulf.

 

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Something wicked this way comes!

 

LEGENDS NEVER DIE


 

HARRY:

I can still remember when I was ten

 

HERMY:

And the owl came that the teachers had sent

 

ALL:

The green ink on the letter, inviting me

Into a world where the impossible happens.

 

HERMY:

And now I'm seventeen watching the castle fade,

The train is taking me home for the last time. 

 

ALL:

Remembering the magic within those walls

Will they last, these memories of mine?

I don't want to leave this place,

 

RON:

where I spent the best years of my life.

 

ALL:

My childhood was perfect here,

Creating magic with all my friends,

And it feels so wrong that all along

I never realized how great Hogwarts was, and now

 

HARRY:

It's time to say goodbye...but legends will never die.

 

ALL:

Riding the train eating chocolate frogs,

Playing music to calm the three headed dog,

Quidditch games, flying on a broom,

And parties in the common room

And all the time I spent, laughing with my friends

And all the dangers that we had to face.

The magic in my heart when I looked at you,

And the things I wanted to say!

 

I don't want to leave this place,

where I spent the best years of my life.

My childhood was perfect here,

Creating magic with all my friends,

And it feels so wrong that all along

I never realized how great Hogwarts was,

 

CEDRIC:

And now it's time to say goodbye...but legends will never die.

 

ALL:

And though I will grow old, in my dreams I'm still there

Though gone from its stone embrace,

I've never truly left.

 

HARRY:

The legend of the Boy-Who-Lived has been completed at last

 

ALL:

But through the page or movie screen,

Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you back.

 

I don't want to leave this place,

where I spent the best years of my life.

My childhood was perfect here,

Creating magic with all my friends,

And it feels so wrong that all along

I never realized how great Hogwarts was, and now

It's time to say goodbye...

...but legends will never die

 

EMILY:  Don't forget to grab your sponsored Bertie Botts bean on the way out!  CANDY LADY will be selling numerous items right outside the auditorium to help raise money for our club, so please help out and buy something totally awesome!