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Halloween Vs. the Were-Monster

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Despite being nicknamed ‘Spooky’, special agent Fox Mulder rarely celebrated Halloween. Most years he simply forgot as a result of either being buried in work or on the run and not wanting to attract attention to himself. This year however, was slightly different. Scully was coming over for the night and they planned on watching the entire Saw franchise. Scully’s choice of movies. He suspected this was revenge for making her watch every single episode of ‘Ancient Aliens’ with him last time she was over.
Scully had informed him that she was bringing snacks over but for once, his fridge and pantry were not empty. Mulder had a case of beer and a bottle of vodka in the fridge, as well as bags of microwave popcorn ready to cook and slice and bake Halloween cookies that only slightly resembled charcoal briquettes. The house was as clean as it was ever going to get. Even the aquarium was somewhat less green and his fish were swimming happily, or as happily as fish could swim. It was going to be a peaceful movie night with his partner. Or so Mulder thought until his doorbell rang.
Standing at his front door was a lizard-man. But it was not just any lizard-man…
“Guy? Is that you?” Mulder took a step back in disbelief.
“I’m afraid so Mr. Mulder, it appears my hibernation was interrupted and I had no idea what to do so I came here. Anything exciting happen in the past few months?”
“The world almost ended.” Mulder thought back to his almost dying several months ago.
“Ya, glad I slept through that.” Lucky bastard.
“But what happened? How was your hibernation interrupted? How did you get here?”
“Well, it all started when I was happily hibernating in the woods until something tripped over me. I believe the thing was human, it looked mostly human but of the most terrifying variety. It had large shoes and wore spots and ruffles, it wore a sort of camouflage on its face and had red frizzy hair. It also carried a machete.”
“Oh, those are called clowns, they were originally designed to be funny and entertain children at birthday parties but more people are terrified of them than anything else. Recently people have been dressing up as them and harassing people. We’ve had several cases of this down in the X-Files department.”
“You humans are sadistic, do you know that?” Guy Mann glanced at him in disgust.
“And people wonder why I’ve spent most of my life looking for life on other planets,” Mulder sighed, “what happened with the clown?”
“The damn thing woke me up! I hissed at it and spat blood out of my eyeballs. It soiled itself and ran off somewhere.” Mulder couldn’t help but chuckle. “Unfortunately the damage was already done. I tried for weeks to get back to sleep but alas…I kept waking up every few days. But then I remembered when I was at the motel one of your bills had fallen out of your bag or something and it had your address. Us lizard-people have excellent memories for documents so I remembered it. I noticed that trucks were passing through on the highway so I hopped into one and hoped for the best. After that I fell asleep or several days.” Guy sighed and scratched the scales on the side of his face.
“So you just slept until you got here?”
“Not exactly. I woke up at some point and crawled out of the back of the truck. There was a car with sirens and some very unpleasant law enforcement officers that were harassing the truck driver for no apparent reason. I made a point to sneak up on them. Thankfully I have yet to turn back into a human so I’m comfortable in my body again. The law enforcement officers, just like the clowns, soiled themselves and ran off when I hissed and spat blood out of my eyes. The driver was grateful, and offered to take me wherever I wanted to go after he finished his delivery. We were both going to Washington so it worked out well. So now I am here.”
“That is quite the trip-”
“Mulder?” Mulder and Guy were interrupted by Scully as she parked her car. She stared at the lizard-man in disbelief. “Please don’t tell me Skinner lost a bet and you shoved him a lizard suit.”
“Don’t worry Scully. Remember that were-monster case we worked on back in Oregon? This is Guy Mann, he came to visit.” Scully bit her lip and raised an eyebrow.
“Since it’s Halloween I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.” Scully pulled several bags out of her car as Dagoo hopped out of the back seat. Scully had dressed him in devil horns with a red cape ending in a pointy tail and a tiny pitchfork attached to his collar.
“Dagoo!!” Guy exclaimed, the dog ran towards him.
“Sorry Mulder, it was really loud in my building so I brought him with me.”
“That’s okay Scully, you’re entitled to a trick to go with the treats you brought, happy Halloween.”
“Halloween? Is that the source of all these horrifying decorations?” Guy looked around the street. He pointed at a fake poof of white spider web. “That is terrifying?”
“The spiders?” Asked Mulder.
“No, the insect nest! I have lost many friends to those little green insects, they come out at night, swarm you, and spin you up in one of those nests as they feast on your fluids!”
“I remember those, Mulder took us on a nice trip to the forest and they almost ate us.” Mulder smiled sheepishly as Scully reminisced.
“And those pumpkins,” Guy poked at a neighbour’s jack-o-lantern, “they’ve been gutted! But this,” he kicked a scarecrow, “this is worst of all horrifying creatures. They’re taking over! I watched some television over the past day or so and the leader of these monsters is running for president and planning to take over your country!”
“He has a point you know,” Mulder whispered into Scully’s ear and she couldn’t help but giggle.
“Nothing in this world makes any sense!!!!!!!!!!!” Guy yelled in the street as trick-or-treating children stared at him nervously.
“Welcome to humanity, let’s go inside.” Mulder opened his front door, Guy, Scully, and Dagoo all went in.
“I’m going to need 20,000 years to hibernate this off.”
“We’ll start with a movie. Maybe we’ll save the horror ones for later.”
“My neighbour keeps going on about how great the new ‘Ghostbusters’ movie is so she leant me a copy.” Scully fished the DVD out of her purse.
“What exactly is a ghostbuster?” Guy scratched the scales at the back of his head in confusion. Scully put her bags on the counter revealing veggies and dip as well as a tray of uncooked nachos ready to go into the oven.
“How about we watch and find out?” Mulder smirked as he set up his television. Maybe Halloween wasn’t so bad after all.