It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever. -Jane Siberry
Allen was lying in bed, listening to the thunder and watching the flashes of lightning split open the sky. The rain was running down the windows in rivers and he snuggled closer to Kanda, wanting more of the warmth his lover's body provided. Kanda was still asleep but he unconsciously moved towards Allen, wrapping his arm around Allen's waist, pulling him into a comfortable hug.
Allen was leaving today but he didn't even want to get out of bed. Sighing quietly so as not to wake Kanda he sank down under the covers and closed his eyes, hoping for just a little more sleep. It was going to be a trying day any way he looked at it.
"Even in this?" Kanda nodded towards the kitchen window, the rain still coming down in buckets.
"I should have left earlier…" but I couldn't bring myself to leave until the last possible moment. "I won't be gone long," Allen reached for Kanda's hand and squeezed it gently.
"There's no guarantee of that," Kanda said, a slightly pained look in his eyes as he stared out the window.
Kanda looked at Allen, his dark eyes searching his partner's, and nodded. This would be the first time they'd be separated since moving here and it was opening old wounds in a way neither of them had expected.
Allen had received a letter not long ago reminding him about the annual gathering of survivors of the war. He'd written back that he'd be attending, as usual, but had made no such commitment for Kanda. After speaking to him about it Kanda merely grunted in acknowledgement but had said nothing since. When Komui wrote back it was to let Allen know that he'd be sending someone to pick him up. They would be arriving early this afternoon.
"There's no need for me to go again. I've said my goodbyes and there's so much to take care of here, including this one." Kanda placed his plate on the floor, letting Sumi pick at the remnants of his breakfast.
"This is the last time for me, too." Kanda glanced up at Allen as he said this. He squeezed Kanda's hand once more and this time Kanda returned the gesture.
"Do you need help packing?"
"It won't take me long, but I'd better get to it." Allen got up from the table, bending over to pet Sumi's head for a moment, and she rubbed back against his hand. He left the kitchen, calculating what he'd need to take with him as he walked to the bedroom.
Kanda watched him walk away and sighed as he pushed back from the table. He collected their dishes and left them in the sink, not really feeling like cleaning up right then. Sumi followed him as he went to the living room to start a fire going. The weather was much warmer now but the house felt damp today because of the rain and it made his joints ache. He sat on the sofa and laid his head back as Sumi joined him, climbing onto his lap, and he listlessly stroked her fur.
When Allen was finished packing he left his suitcase by the door. Sumi jumped down when she saw Allen walk in the room and went to him, brushing up against his leg. She'd picked up on the tension in the air and tried her best to diffuse it the only way she knew by lavishing each of them with her affections, but since that wasn't working too well she went to curl up on the hearth rug instead, leaving the two men to each other.
Allen kneeled down in front of Kanda, who gazed at him with a strange look in his eyes. Allen's hands touched Kanda's cheeks, sliding up into his hair, pulling him closer.
"I'll be back before you know it," he said quietly.
Kanda looked like he was about to say something but then just shook his head. He was feeling too much, not even knowing where to start. He didn't understand why this was so difficult. Allen was just going away for a short while and then he'd be right back, so why did he feel so unsettled?
Even in these tranquil times memories of the war still lingered. The uncertainty of when, or if, they'd ever see each other again as they were sent out to fight. He realized how many things he took for granted now and his own words came back to haunt him. There were no guarantees in life. Anything could happen, at any time, and there were some things that should never be left unsaid.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Allen Walker," his voice cracked as he spoke Allen's name.
Allen's eyes widened.
"I just…needed you...to know that," Kanda murmured, resting his forehead on Allen's shoulder.
Allen said nothing, not trusting himself to speak. His emotions were so close to the surface he knew he'd fall apart once he started talking and it would make his departure all the more complicated. He needed to hold himself together right now, so he let his fingers trail through Kanda's hair, uttering a small "Mmhm" and hoped Kanda would understand.
The sound of Allen's ride pulling up in front of their home broke the moment, Kanda rising with Allen as he stood, and they made their way to the door.
Allen donned his coat and fastened the buttons, felt hands on his shoulders turning him, and he was pulled into an embrace. Kanda's lips were on his, kissing him passionately, his hands clutching almost desperately at the back of Allen's coat. Allen kissed him back just as hard, tears starting to form in his eyes before he pulled away, the two of them gazing at each other for one long moment.
Then Allen bent down and scooped up Sumi, who'd quietly followed along, petting her briefly before handing her over.
Kanda looked out at the rain, which had lessened but was still coming down steadily. "You'd better not get sick again…"
"…or I'll never hear the end of it," Allen smiled lightly. "Take care of him, okay, girl?" and stroked Sumi's fur again.
He turned up the collar of his coat, picked up his suitcase and they went outside, Kanda remaining on the porch as Allen walked quickly to the waiting cab. He climbed in the back and looked longingly out the window at his whole world: Kanda, Sumi and their home. Allen waved as they pulled away from the house and Kanda lifted Sumi's paw, waving it back for the two of them until Allen was out of sight. He shivered, looking up at the dark clouds in the sky, a storm brewing inside his mind, also, and turned to go back in the house. Which was all it was now. It wouldn't become a home again until Allen returned to them. The chill in the air was deeper and he made his way to the fire, seeking the only warmth that was left to him for the time being.
As Allen was riding further from home his mind thought back. Their first meeting wasn't the best start, but it had morphed into a grudging acceptance and respect the longer they were forced to work together. When that had turned into desire they had played it off as merely a way to deal with the stress of the job, but they couldn't quite put a finger on when it had become something deeper than lust.
They were both seriously lacking in the communication department, unless it was through their verbal and physical sparring when people would give them a wide berth while they were going at it. They found themselves wanting to continue the physical part in private, but the emotional aspect wasn't there yet.
The war had worsened and their feelings had deepened as a result, but they never felt a need to voice them, because when they were together, on the battlefield or off, they were in perfect sync. They just knew, and now here they were, living in this little piece of England they called home.
A few tears fell that he'd been holding back. This wouldn't do. He wasn't even through the town and he was already feeling homesick. He wiped the tears away and asked the driver to stop at a restaurant they frequented so he could get a box lunch to take with him on the train. They made him an extra large one and he exchanged brief greetings with a few people who'd braved the rain before getting back in the cab to be on his way.
They made good time getting to the station but the trains were running late because of the bad weather so Allen idled away the wait inside the building, playing card games with himself. When the train finally arrived he wasted no time boarding, finding a quiet corner of the car to occupy. It seemed to take forever for them to be under way and by the time the train got up to speed he was a ball of nerves so he decided to try some meditation.
Allen had been sitting in sessions with Kanda for a little while now and the sight was an amusing one. Kanda, trying to keep himself calm while offering terse suggestions on how to sit and breathe. Allen, with his fidgeting until he could settle down and do as he was instructed, and Sumi sitting between them doing her cat version of the practice.
Allen closed his eyes, the repetitive sounds of the moving train helping him to relax as he started to sink deeper. During their sessions Kanda had corrected Allen's misconceptions of what meditation was all about. While concentrating on the all important breath, it was more about allowing random thoughts to pass by, looking at them in a detached way and then letting them go, rather than just thinking about nothing. The trouble was, all his random thoughts were about Kanda right now, so he tried to set those aside to hopefully make room for something different to show up. In this way the time passed by, his mind mimicking the actions of the train as it took him further away from where he wanted to be.