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Na'au (Feelings)

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Danny helped Steve back to the camaro, the funeral was finally over for which Danny was grateful. Steve was in his dress blues but his complexion was pale. His colour changing eyes were sitting at a more grey than usual and apart from a slight shake, only Danny really could tell Steve was in more emotional pain than he was letting on.

Getting into the drivers seat, Danny briefly looked over at Steve, who appeared to be lost in thought “Catherine's parents wanted to meet up in their hotel bar, I told everyone we'd meet them after you changed.” Danny said to Steve
Steve nodded and looked out the window

Danny started the camaro and drove them out of the cemetery, down the highway finally arriving at Steve's house on Piikoi Street. Getting out and following Steve into the house, Steve made his way upstairs, while Danny went into the kitchen and grabbed a juice from the fridge. Thinking about everything that had happened since the team minus Kono (who was still with Adam Noshimuri in witness protection) had received the terrible news, Catherine had been killed in a car accident two weeks earlier. HPD were still investigating what had happened.

Steve had gone initially gone into denial, 'They must have made a mistake?' When the Navy had confirmed it was Catherine, he went on a bender. Danny found him slumped over the toilet with an empty bottle of bourbon beside him, plus the living room was upturned and several empty bottles of longboards were cast aside on the floor. Danny helped him up and into the shower that night, put him to bed then slept on the couch in case Steve needed him.

Since then Steve had been out of sorts that was the only way Danny could phrase it, not that he couldn't understand it. Catherine was Steve's girlfriend and she was gone. Danny couldn't imagine that kind of pain, losing a lover, yet here was Steve. Steve who thought he had lost his mother only for her to re-appear and leave again. His father had been murdered and now he'd lost his girlfriend.

A sudden noise from upstairs alerted Danny and he raced up to find Steve curled up sobbing on his bed. His uniform thrown on the floor and a pair of tatty jeans in there place. Danny sat down, unsure what he should do before deciding to man up and just get on with it. Putting a hand on Steve's shoulder he whispered “Let it out babe, let it out.” stroking the warm skin to soothe the normally strong Seal. “I'm so sorry Steve, I know how much you cared for her babe.”

Steve turned round, his body still shaking “You don't ... understand Danny” he said through hiccuping breaths “I called it off.”
“Called what off?” Danny asked confused but still stroking Steve's back
“Me and Cath, called it off.”
Danny looked at Steve before rubbing his own temple “You called it off with Catherine? Why Steve?”
Steve pulled himself up the bed and away from Danny, before turning and looking out the window “I told her I'm in love with someone else.”

Danny stood and walked over to the window “You broke up with Catherine cus your in love with someone else? Who?”
Steve sighed “You.” he whispered
“Me?” Danny repeated
“Yeah, you. ”
Danny sat down on the single chair in the bedroom “Wow.”

“I couldn't keep lying to myself or Cath, Danny but I've been in love with you for a while, look I understand if you don't feel the same or anything but I needed to let Cath know and she took it badly. Told me, she'd basically known for months but she assumed we were being careful. I told her you and I hadn't even discussed it and as far as I'm aware your straight. Also I hadn't cheated on her. She called me a liar, we got into an argument and that's the last I ….” Steve closed his eyes and he appeared to be recalling his last meeting with Catherine. Tears were rolling down his cheeks again
Danny walked back to the bed, sat down and rubbed his hand down Steve's neck “Steve, man. I had no idea.”
“I know.” Steve replied arching into the touch.

Danny's cell phone had several missed calls from Chin and Steve's from both Chin and Catherine's parents. Danny rang Chin back “Hey Chin, sorry we didn't make it back, Steve was worn out and extremely emotional, turns out this brought back way too may memories of childhood shit for him. Yeah, tell Mr and Mrs Rollins' we'll see them both tomorrow. What's that? Max has finished his autopsy report and? He wants to rule it as a suicide, holy shit, why? Jesus, is he sure? Fuck. Yeah, I'll tell him. Take care buddy.” putting the phone down from Chin, Danny sighed heavily and walked into the kitchen. The coffee pot had just finished so Danny poured a mug and took a seat at the kitchen table, Steve was asleep upstairs and Danny was exhausted, finishing his coffee, he washed his mug and went to settle on the couch.

Danny woke when he felt he was being watched, opening his eyes, he saw Steve looking at him “You okay there Steve?” Danny spoke quietly so as not to spook the man
“Didn't know where you'd gone.” Steve replied just as quietly
“Couch, where else babe?” Danny said while sitting up and stretched, checking his cell, 3.36am
Steve nodded “What did you tell Chin?”
“Told him you were exhausted and it had brought back painful memories of your childhood.”
“Thanks.” Steve smiled tightly
“You hungry or thirsty?”
Danny looked over at his best friend who was looking at him “What do you want then?” he knew what the answer was going to be.

Holding Steve tightly, Danny's arms wrapped around the taller man, pressing gentle kisses to his neck and shoulders, Steve shuddered from the tenderness. Both men were in Steve's bed, Steve wearing just boxers and Danny wearing just a pair of Steve's shorts. Danny now understood what Steve wanted, holding the Seal tight, after he'd finally broke down.

Sitting on the couch watching Steve, Danny's heart ached but he needed Steve to tell him exactly what he wanted. 'I loved Cath but I wasn't in love with her, we argued that night and that's what I told her. She said I was a lying cheating bastard and anyone could see I was banging you. I told her she was out of line and I would never cheat on her.' Steve's eyes were glazed over from the tears threatening to fall. Steve carried on 'She sneered at me and said had she realised I got a thrill from having a dick up my ass, she'd have worn a strap-on and is that how I got so far up the ladder, as I let the officers fuck me or was I their bottom boy? I called her a bitch and told her to leave. She retorted I wouldn't stay here if it was the last fucking place on earth and that blond short loud mouth was welcome to me. She slammed out of the house and I sat there and thought about you about how I could get the courage to let you know how I felt and that I loved you more than just being my work partner and best friend and how I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you. I then got the call and well you know the rest D.'

Danny then had told him what Max had said about it being ruled a suicide. She 'deliberately drove into the wall Steve, HPD couldn't find anything wrong with the car. Other road users reported her car being driven erratically. Max said she wasn't drunk and there were no drugs in her system, there were no pre-mortem injuries. There is no other reason babe. Cath decided to end her life.'

Steve had looked at Danny and shook his head, his eyes were blood shot red and swollen 'She killed herself because of me?'
Danny grabbed hold of him and shook him hard 'Listen here McGarrett, Cath decided to do this, not you. She got in her car after you guys had an argument, yes, but then she is the one who drove at speed and hit a wall. NOT YOU. Don't you fucking dare blame yourself. You told her the truth and in time she would have learnt to live with and respect your decision but she ultimately took a decision which cost her life. Are you listening to me McGarrett?'
Steve looked at Danny 'I hear what your saying D but I....I feel so guilty.'
Danny nodded his head 'I know babe but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe you should consider going to see a therapist, help you through this as this is one burden you don't want to be carrying around as it will eat you up and screw up any relationship you may start in the future.'
Steve looked at him with hopeful eyes 'You mean maybe us?'

“Get some sleep Steve, I'll still be here when you wake.” Danny whispered into his ear as he kept his arms firmly round the leader of 5-0.
Steve brought Danny's palm up to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on it “Thank you.” he whispered in return
Feeling Steve's breathing even out, Danny knew the exhausted man was finally asleep, he pulled Steve's back tightly against his chest “Not going anywhere babe, not going anywhere.”