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Scout: The Aperture Science Test Subject

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“Why… the hell… does Spy hate me so much?” Scout asked himself, running as fast as he could away from the base. There were a good many answers to that question, but the most recent was the fact that he’d placed a bucket on the top of a door, ready and waiting for Spy to walk in the room and tip it over. He’d gotten original, and instead of water, had filled it with a combination of chili powder and orange juice.


After the man had gone to his room and calmly changed out of his suit and balaclava, he’d walked straight up to Scout (who was still rolling on the floor laughing) and pointed his blade at him.


“You have three seconds,” he’d said.


Scout didn’t know what the three seconds was for, but he ran, making sure to steer himself into a field with no roads anywhere nearby though he was a fast runner, the Spy had a sweet (if slightly keyed) sports car.


“Ahhh, crap,” he said as he realized he couldn’t see the base anymore. “Aww, crap, crap, crap .”


Scout didn’t know how long he wandered around, trying to find anything besides tall, yellow, swaying grass.


“Oh, thank god,” Scout mumbled to himself as he saw a building at the edge of his vision. It couldn’t have been much larger than a port-a-potty, but it was something. Even if it was just an outhouse, Scout really needed to pee, and didn’t trust the grass to not be hiding some sort of biting insect.


Scout really should have tuned out Sniper’s stories of the ferocity and diversity of Australian wildlife.


He saw the sign that said No Trespassing , and the other that said Shock Warning: Electric Shed .


Still, he reached for the door.


“What the hell’s an electric shed, anyway?”  was his last thought before everything went black.



He woke up in a room with an old, saggy bed in it.


“Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment and Testing Center.” A rather automated-sounding woman’s voice spoke. You are now ready to begin testing.”


The voice changed. It was still mechanical, still robotic, but now it flowed as though she it  whatever was actually talking. “I thought I’d stopped using human test subjects. But you , you dropped in here, waiting to be taken as a test subject. And, there is one thing that I need, the only thing that humans are good at: being unpredictable .”


Scout gaped all throughout this lady’s (he was sure it was a lady) speech. Then, he took a deep breath.


“Wait-wait-wait-wait-hold- up! So I’m your frickin lab rat? For what ? Am I gettin’ paid? Wait, didja kidnap me? That means I’m not gettin’ paid, right? Where the hell am I anyway?”


A long silence followed Scout’s loud, frenzied rant. Then:


“Congratulations. You are the first test subject to have spoken. I applaud you for being the first one to have language capacity surpassing that of a fetus. Now that you have demonstrated that you can talk, please do not do so anymore.”


“What the hell is that supposed to mean? And ya didn’t answer any of my questions! Where am I , ya crazy lady?”


There was another prolonged pause, then the voice changed back to the prerecorded message. “Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment and Testing Center. You are now ready to begin testing.”


“You said that already!”


“Please proceed to the door. It is in the far right corner of the Restoration Room you are currently in.” the recording continued.


“Oh, hey, ” Scout noticed for the first time that there was, in fact, an exit. He opened the door, to a long hallway, with a podium at the end.


“Now, please make your way down to the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, located at the stand at the end of the hall you are currently in.” the prerecorded instructions sounded like they were made for morons.


When Scout got to the podium, he looked carefully at the device on there. It was an odd looking thing, white and shiny, with claw-like attachments on the end surrounding a tube. That was glowing. A glowing tube.


“Pick up the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.” said the recording, “And proceed to the testing chamber.”


“No, nuh-uh. I ain’t pickin’ that freaky-deaky thing up. How do I get outta here?”


“Pick up the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, and pro” the recording was cut off by the robotic lady again. “Moron. Can’t you see that if you don’t pick up that gun and use it , you’ll be stuck standing there like an idiot for the rest of your natural lifespan?”


“This doesn’t look like a gun to me.” Scout said, peering into the glowing barrel. “If it’s a gun, then what does it fire?”


“Oh, for I made these recordings for morons like yourself. The world has sabotaged my idiot-proofing by creating you, a better idiot. It’s a portal gun, in case you didn’t hear it the last two times . You shoot it, and it creates a portal. You shoot with the other trigger, and it creates a different portal. Pass through one portal to get to the other one. There . If you have understood this, I can delete seventeen megabytes’ worth of useless directions. If you have not, I’ll incinerate your body and use the resulting heat energy to lower the electricity bill by a marginal two percent, judging by how scrawny you are.”


Scout carefully picked up the gun. “So I use this to shoot one portal, then the other, then I get to teleport between them?”


A loud screeching sound resembling nails on a chalkboard came from the speakers, making Scout jump.

“You deserved that. The first testing chamber is open,” the voice said, as a hidden door to his right revealed itself. “Good luck.”