"Cause loving nobody
It's breaking my heart
But you'll never know this
Wherever you are"
He would never tell her. About how he took hours, instead of minutes, to 'move out' of an appartment he'd never had a chance to even move into.
He'd never tell her about the nights spent sorting her belongings into organised boxes, like a sickening photo album that made his throat tighten uncomfortably.
Or about how he prolonged the inevitable. Took his time telling their friends about the breakup. He'd waited two days to open up about it to Winn. He hadn't even had the guts to tell him, waiting until Kara told him before talking about it. Winn had only nodded knowingly.
A week had passed before he worked up the courage to call Lucy. He'd chatted nervously for ten minutes, before Lucy finally became fed up with his useless smalltalk. "What's this really about James?" The question had made his stomach drop. "We broke up." It came out as a whisper, that hung on the static that crackled in the pause. "I'm sorry," she'd eventually replied, voice strong and real. "Thank you," another whisper, full of all the unspoken things that lingered between them.
He'd never let her know how long it took for him to tell Clark. Somehow, telling him seemed like the final nail in the coffin. Like their fate would be set in stone if he did. He would never breathe a word of how many stuttered attempts it had taken, of how many tears had been shed. And neither would Clark.
No-one would ever know of the endless bottles used to forget, to not feel, for just a few peaceful minutes. No-one would ever know how much it hurt, hurt with the knowledge that their love was found in a hopeless place and that couldn't be changed.
Most of all, she would never know about his desperate wish. His hope that, if he could just make time slow down, make them last just that bit longer, maybe, maybe she'd stay. Maybe if she realised how much she felt for him. Maybe she would love him too.
"Well maybe I don't give up easily
Oh but I know this is hard to see
But I know time won't slow down
So I can keep your heart in my hands
Oh but maybe if you stay a little while
You might feel like I do for you"