“Victor…. is that really what you want?” Yuuri asks, eyes averted.
V ictor cannot see his husband’s expression as the younger male refuses to look him in the eye.
“ Let’s face it… we’re not happy anymore… this is not working for us.” Victor replies as he tries to calm down. “We’re just drifting away… can’t you see?” He insists as he continues to stare at his husband.
“Okay... “ Yuuri answers as tears started to fall from his eyes. “I'll sign the papers.” Yuuri then turns to leave the kitchen never once looking back at Victor.
Victor knew by then that he was making the biggest mistake of his life.
Victor eyes open as his alarm blares throughout the bedroom.
‘It was a dream then…’ Victor thinks as he feels tears slip as he closes his eyes.
‘Snap out of it Nikiforov…it’s been 2 years since you got divorced… this is what you wanted remember?'
He hears Maccachin's paws skittering on the hardwood floors as he runs into the room and jumps straight up the bed, whining at his master.
“Alright Maccachin! I know you’re hungry… I’m getting up now.” Victor answers as he finally gets up from bed.
‘I’ll be late for morning practice anyway if I don’t get up now.’
4-Time World Skating Champion Victor Nikiforov is now in his off-season trying to start the preparation for his routine for the next season.
‘Maybe that’s why I’m starting to dream of him again… this always happens when I’m getting some down time from skating season.’ Victor thought to himself as he was trying to cool down from his morning practice.
“Hey Victor, what’s eating you up?” Victor’s rink mate, Mila Babicheva asks as she sits by the sides, taking a break from her routine.
“Hey Mila.” Victor gives her a little smile. “I don’t know… I’m feeling a bit down I guess?”
“Nonsense! How can someone who just won the World Championships feel so down!” Mila exclaimed as she lightly taps Victor’s arm. “Speaking of which, why are you back here practicing anyway? Shouldn’t you be taking some time off?"
“It just feels wrong to not be doing anything at home…” Victor replies smiling a bit.
“Go out on a date or something! I have a friend who’s been dying to get your number….”
“Quit it hag!” Yuri Plisetsky interrupts Mila as he enters the rink. “You can’t force a heartbroken man to just forget… Trust me he already tried.” Yuri continues as he glares at Victor.
“Yuri.” Victor warns Yuri as he glares back. “Anyway. What I do is none of your business... Sorry Mila, I’m not looking for anybody right now.” He says as he exits the rink.
“What was that all about?” Mila asks Yuri as they watch the gold medalist walk out.
“That means he still can’t get over him.” Yuri answers as he removes his skate guards.
Hi guys~ This is my first fic for the Yuri on Ice fandom and my first angsty fic in my life. :)))
I'm usually a fluffy or crack fic writer so please bear with me!!
I don't have a beta so any constructive criticism or any comments, suggestions for improvement is very welcomed!!!
Thanks for taking time to read :)
Chapter 2: Regrets
More Victor Angst
I don't own anything or anybody!!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
‘Victor…’ A voice whispered into Victor’s ear.
‘Wake up love…’ Whispered the person as a hand pushed back Victor’s hair from his face.
Victor could feel the same hand caressing his cheek.
‘You’re going to be late… ‘ Victor can practically feel the smile on the other’s face as a soft pair of lips touched the side of his mouth for a sweet good morning kiss.
Victor jerked his eyes open as he woke up from his sleep. He looked at his alarm clock to see that it was 5:25AM.
‘How I wish it was still your face I see first thing in the morning…’ Victor mused as he forced his body off the bed.
‘Man… I guess I really need that vacation… I have so much time to think to myself these days.’ He thought as he reached for his phone. “Now where the hell is Chris lately?”
Christophe Giacometti is a busy man. But never too busy for a certain Victor Nikiforov who suddenly contacted him asking to meet-up.
‘That man has become a bit of a recluse during the past few years.’ Chris thought to himself as he waits for the arrival of the other man in the airport. ‘He must be really feeling troubled if he was willing to come all this way for a little bit of company.’
Chris knows that the last two years has been hard on Victor… well… for both of them. Yuuri was also his friend, and the surprising thing was that he has heard more from the timid man than the outspoken Victor.
He has been waiting for the other side of the story ever since the couple broke up. He was always willing to listen to Victor. Hell, he did not take sides during the breakup and just waited for both Victor and Yuuri to tell him what happened in their own time.
It was weird that Victor was trying to reach out. Maybe this time Victor will finally talk about his side of the story.
‘Did you have a good flight?’ A lovely voice asked as a hand reached over the car gear shift to gently grasp Victor’s own.
‘It was fine…’ Victor heard himself answer as he gently squeezed back the warm hand, looking towards the passing scenery outside the window.
‘Well I hope you’re hungry… I prepared all your favorite for dinner.’
‘Not really… I ate a bit on the plane, I’m just really tired right now.’ Victor answers as he continued to look outside, a distant look on his face.
‘Oh… well… we’re almost home. You can go straight to bed and we can just re-heat the food later.’
‘Yeah… sounds nice.’ Victor replies listlessly.
Why wouldn’t you look at him?
Victor was snapped out of his daydream as he heard Chris’ voice calling out his name.
“What’s wrong with you? I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past few minutes.” Chris whines as he drives from the airport to his hotel.
Chris is currently in Italy when Victor contacted him. He had an after-season exhibition skate program tomorrow and when Victor asked if they could meet, Chris suggested having a mini-vacation in Italy. And thus, Victor hopped on the next available flight to where Chris is currently staying.
“I’m fine… just feeling a bit sentimental.” Victor replied, still not looking at Chris.
“Man, that’s the understatement of the century…” Chris whispers as he continued driving the rental car. “You just hang in there until tomorrow okay? Then you can have all my attention. Especially my ears… honestly Victor, we have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Yeah… I’m just feeling really down lately.”
“You know I’m here for you right?”
“What do you think I’m doing here?” Victor replied, finally looking towards Chris with a small smile on his face.
‘Was it really that hard to look back at somebody?’ Victor thinks as he suddenly remembers all the time he didn’t look back at him.
All those wasted times… wasted opportunities… what good is it now when I lost out on the chance to fix things? Victor cannot help but ask himself as he thinks about his ex-husband.
In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.
Yuuri… what do I give to see your beautiful smile directed at me once more?
Well I got my thought process about the plot of this fic more err more in tact. But of course, comments, suggestions, critical criticism is always welcome, especially because I have not yet drafted the whole thing just the flow and necessary and important parts of the plot.
So if you guys have any request on err angsty scenes or fluffy scenes, comment away~ I will try to incorporate the ideas~ :))
Thanks for all the comments and kudos guys, I didn't think people will read this fic hihi <3
And i don't have a beta so please tell me if there are parts that is a bit weird or not clear or grammatical mistakes. :) Victor talks to himself too much so I'm also a bit confused lol.
Err and yeah, i did not mean to make an angsty fic on x-mas and victor's bday omg :)))) this plot has been playing in my imagination for the past few days and well some holiday equals a lot of free time LOL.
Happy Birthday Victor <3
Chapter 3: Time of my Life
Victor can never forget when he met the love of his life
I don't own anything!!! Not the songs, or the characters :)
I'm going to borrow Underneath this Sky by Cameron Ernst and The Man who can't be Moved by The Script for this chapter :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Victor was hanging out in front of the monitors near the main entrance to the rink.
“Are you sure you don’t want to sit inside?” Chris asks as he put a hand on Victor’s shoulder.
“Nah. I’m fine. I don’t want to distract the audience by randomly appearing inside the rink. And I honestly didn’t want to come to watch but since you were very persistent that I should watch your performance….” Victor trailed off as he returns his attention back to the screen.
“I’m pretty sure you’ll enjoy it. The piece I’m skating to this time is straight from the heart.
“You? Skating an emotional piece?”
“Yep. And I’m pretty sure you can relate.” Chris says as he claps Victor’s shoulder and headed into the rink.
Victor stares, puzzled as he watches his friend walk away. The announcement of Chris’ name that blares from the monitor snapped Victor’s attention back to the program.
“Next up… Christophe Giacometti from Switzerland.”
Victor sees Chris as he enters the ice and can’t help but notice the title of his program and the song that is currently being flashed at the side of the screen.
The Man who can’t be Moved by Yuuri Katsuki
There's a small twinge in Victor's heart as he saw the name of the composer of the music.
A smooth melody started to fill the rink and everything around Victor fades away.
We met 13 years ago. I was 14 years old… on the verge of debuting in the Junior division of the international skating competitions.
“Vitya… you got the technique down but there is still something missing… a certain level of connection between you and the music when you are performing.” Yakov Feltsman, Victor’s coach tells him as they discuss Victor’s preparation for international competitions. "It's like you do not really feel the story and the music when you are on ice."
“I don’t understand.” 14-year old Victor Nikiforov answers as he looks back at his coach. “How do you even develop something like that?”
“I have an idea… take a few days off and observe some music students in the academy. Let’s try to see if you can grasp better appreciation when you see them performing and making their music.” Yakov suggested as they finish the day’s practice.
Silence fills the halls as Victor walks around the local music academy nearby their training ice rink.
‘You would think this place should be filled with sounds or music or something.’ Victor thinks to himself as he wanders aimlessly inside the building.
‘I can jump, I can soar, and I’m not afraid~’
‘What was that?’ Victor suddenly hears someone singing.
‘Let the wind hit my face~’
Victor tries to walk to where the sound was coming from.
‘I can take on the clouds, they’re no longer gray~’
‘Take ‘em on any day~’
Victor was led to a small open-air courtyard in between the buildings, where he saw a black haired boy sitting by the lone tree in the middle of the open space.
‘I see it now so clearly where I couldn’t see before~’
‘Finally now it was worth the wait~’
The boy had his eyes closed. He was gently moving his head as he sings softly.
‘I hear my heart beat~’
‘Feel my wings take flight~’
A small smile appears on the lips of the boy as he continues singing and Victor cannot help but smile as well.
‘Everything is golden underneath this sky~’
‘Underneath this sky…’
The boy sighed loudly in what looks like frustration after he finishes the last line of the song. He suddenly gets up and opens his eyes.
And Victor sees the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes he has ever seen.
Victor cannot believe his eyes as he sees the composer of Chris’ music.
‘Is he back to composing now?’ Victor muses as sudden tears pricks his eyes as familiar melody fills the whole rink.
“Going back to the corner where I first saw you”
“Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I’m not gonna move”
‘Oh god…he even sings for this piece.’ Victor feels a couple of tears escape his eyes as he hears the familiar voice.
“Some try to hand me money, they don’t understand”
“I’m not broke, I’m just a broken-hearted man”
Victor can barely pay attention to Chris’ movements, as his eyes remain blurry from tears as he listens to the song.
“Cause if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me”
“And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be”
Nostalgia fills Victor's mind as an onslaught of memories with him fills his mind as the familiar voice and melody, obviously the signature musical style of his ex-husband, continues to fill the rink.
“Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet”
“And you’ll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street”
Chris successfully completes a quadruple salchow as the music starts to slow down.
“Going back into the corner where I first saw you”
“Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I’m not gonna move”
Yuuri Katsuki’s voice fades into the background as the rink became filled with cheers as Chris finishes his performance.
‘What was he thinking?’ Victor thinks furiously as overwhelming emotions starts to fill him.
“I know you must have a lot of questions for me.” Chris’s voice came from behind Victor.
Victor turns around and Chris gave him a small, sad smile. “Let’s go out for a drink?” The other man asks as he holds out his hand for Victor. It doesn't matter if its barely 2pm in the afternoon.
'Well it's 5 o'clock somewhere...'
“You are SO paying for drinks tonight.” Victor retorts as he stomped to the direction of the locker rooms.
Songs I used were: Underneath this Sky by Cameron Ernst and The Man who can't be Moved by The Script
I own nothing :)
Honestly the bulk of my time when planning this fic is actually listening to lyrics and music that I can use as Yuuri's songs :)) So yess Yuuri isn't a figure skater in this fic, he is a music composer (and a great singer too in my opinion). Victor fell for him on the first note :)))
Once again, I don't have a beta reader so if anybody spots an error or an inconsistent err anything that i've written please tell me :)
thanks to all those who've read this fic :)
Chapter 4: Spoiler
It is easy to remember those moments that truly hurt the most.
I own nothing.
I am borrowing Epik High's song, Spoiler for this chapter :)
Please listen to the song if you can while reading this chapter, and also, the english translation can help explain the reason why I chose that song to represent the emotions in this chapter.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chris watches Victor as his friend asks for another refill for his drink. After the event, the two went straight out for drinks and is currently sitting at the bar for the past hour, neither talking nor looking at each other, each just drinking their way through the night.
By Victor’s third glass of Vodka, Chris decides to break the silence. “We came here to talk. What’s going on?”
Victor looked back at him, a cold expression on his face. “You should be the one answering that question. How were you able to get Yuuri’s song?”
“We never stopped talking Victor. We always kept in touch even after the divorce… he’s my friend too you know.” Chris answers. "I asked him for any piece he can let me use because the event was last minute and I didn't have time to choreograph something from scratch. I asked him for any emotional piece because it would be easier for me to choreograph a program if I could really feel the music and lyrics of the piece." Chris explains fully.
Victor sat in silence, seemingly stunned at his explanation.
"Victor... you heard the lyrics of the song right? I was supposed to use the instrumental version of the piece but when you said you would come... I decided to use the full song." Chris says as he stares at his friend. "You do know that the song is about you right?"
"How can you be so sure?" Victor finally answers.
"I told you... we stayed in touch. I can clearly see he's also not over you."
Once again, Victor looked stunned.
“That’s great… I was worried keep himself from mutual friends after what happened.” Victor looks down at his drink as he tries to change the subject.
Chris decides to let it go as he lets his friend go through the issue in his own pace. “What actually did happen?”
“I guess I owe you the full story eh?” Victor smiles bitterly at his drink. “There wasn't really just one reason why we broke up you know… I could feel it… we were getting distant from each other… the relationship was falling apart.”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess it all started after I won my first Grand Prix gold medal, the drifting away… I was just always so busy. Advertisements, interviews, practice, events… name it all, and because of that I was barely at home too. And also, I did not only gain recognition in the sports industry but also in the entertainment industry.”
Victor pauses as he looks at the side, with a faraway gaze, seemingly remembering something.
Victor finally gets time to look at his phone after a long day of interviews and events.
16 missed calls. 23 messages.
‘Shit.’ Victor quickly checks his notifications and found out that they were all from his husband. He quickly called back and his husband accepted the call immediately.
“Victor! Where were you??” Victor could hear the irritation in his husband’s voice.
“Yuuri, hey, I’m sorry I couldn’t answer the phone. After my flight this morning, we had to quickly go to the station for an interview and after that it was schedule after schedule and I couldn’t really tend to my phone.” Victor explains.
“What do you mean your flight this morning?”
“Oh. Did I forget to tell you? They rescheduled my flight and I arrived at 9:45 A.M. rather than 5:30 in the afternoon.”
Victor heard his husband gasp. “Yes Victor… you forgot to tell me.” The other man suddenly became silent.
“Yuuri? Baby?” Victor knew his husband was still at the line because he can still hear his muted breathing through the phone.
“Yes Victor… you did forget to tell me…” Victor could hear his breathing become heavier and faster. “And you also forgot to tell me not to pick you up from the airport anymore.” Yuuri started sniffing and Victor could tell that the other man was trying hard to hide that he’s crying.
“Oh god, babe, I’m sorry.” Victor said as he closes his eyes in frustration. “Don’t cry, come on. I’ll be home soon, I’ll make it up to you.”
“Victor… I waited for you at the airport.” Yuuri was openly sobbing now. “I thought something bad happened to you… I couldn’t connect to your phone and even your manager wasn't answering his phone.”
Victor looked at the time. 10:25 P.M. ‘Don’t tell me….?’
“Yuuri… are you still at the airport?” Victor asks frantically as he realized how late it was.
His husband didn’t reply and just cried harder.
“I’ll see you back at home.” Yuuri finally replied and Victor heard the beep indicating that the call was cut off.
Victor could feel a hand on his shoulder as he was roused out of his thoughts.
“Victor are you okay?” Chris asked him, looking worried.
Victor realizes that he drifted deep in thought as he was remembering his problems with Yuuri.
“I… I just realized how much I hurt him Chris.” Victor looks back at his friend. “god… I was such a prick back then. The busy schedule was not the only problem you know. I let the fame get in my head too… I let it change me.” Victor says as he puts his head in his hands.
“You know what. Why don’t we head back to the hotel and finish the story there?” Chris suggests.
Victor could only nod miserably.
Yuuri Katsuki was tired. His best friend, Thai figure skater, Phichit Chulanont dragged him all over Seoul the entire day. The two just arrived in South Korea as Phichit just finished his skating season and was currently on break. He begged the composer to accompany him on a vacation to Seoul to really enjoy the much-needed break.
Yuuri agreed because he knew that he had been running himself thin through work and besides, he misses his friend as well. 'It's hard living alone...' He thinks sadly to himself.
And thus, the two found themselves running all over the city and is currently in a Noraebang (Karaoke) where the younger man was singing his heart out.
‘What was Phichit singing anyway?’ Yuuri thought as he started to search for the song. He was able to find the lyrics and english translation for the song, Spoiler by Epik High. ‘I didn’t even know Phichit can sing Korean, but the song and melody sure is nice.’
As Yuuri reads the lyrics of the song, he couldn’t help but remember his ex-husband.
‘Victor…’ Yuuri thinks as he feels the familiar sting of tears in his eyes.
너의 차가운 눈빛과 말투가 스포일러.
(Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler.)
너의 모든 행동 속에 우리의 끝이 보여.
(In your every action, I see our end. )
Yuuri wonders when Victor's beautiful blue eyes turned icy-cold and measuring.
아니라고 말해도 느껴지는 스포일러.
(I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler.)
끝까지 봐야 할까? 지금 떠나야 할까?
(Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?)
Yuuri remembers those times when his husband wouldn't even look at him anymore.
반전이 있을까 봐.
(What if there’s a twist?)
Yuuri had always wished that he didn't have to leave.
Yuuri looks at Victor as the other man was busy fiddling with his phone.
The couple was having dinner out for the first time in a long time as Victor’s schedule was filled to the brim. The thought of a date with his husband was enough to put a smile on Yuuri’s face that lasted the entire day. Well… until the actual date itself.
Victor was too busy managing his social media to actually have a proper conversation with his husband. Yuuri was debating on making his frustrations known but he knows they will just argue if he complains and he really does not want to ruin their night.
This is their first date in a long time…
"Victor... how was your day."
Yuuri sighed as all his efforts to start a conversation was always shot down with one word replies from Victor.
무슨 생각해? 두 번 묻자 날 봐.
(What are you thinking? Only after I ask twice, you look at me)
또 대답 아닌 대답을 해.
Once again, you give me an answer that’s not really an answer
"Yeah?" Yuuri looks towards his husband.
"I need to leave." Victor says as he starts to gather his things.
"But we're not finished eating yet." Yuuri protests. 'We've barely been here for 30 minutes.'
"I'm fine. I'm not that hungry anyway." Victor answers. "My manager just set up a sudden meeting with that endorser for the sports drink I've been eyeing for a while."
"But what about..." Yuuri stands up and grasps Victor's wrist.
"I'll see you later." Victor cuts as he goes around the table to kiss Yuuri's cheek. "I'll take care of the bill on my way out."
Yuuri watched in stunned silence as his husband walks out the restaurant.
'But what about me?'
난 크게 들려, 하지 않은 말도.
(I can hear it loudly, even words that aren’t said.)
애써 아닌 척 하지만 난 알고 있어.
(I tried to pretend otherwise but I already know.)
"Hey Yuuri are you okay?" Yuuri can feel Phichit sit beside him as he finished the song.
"I'm fine!" Yuuri answers as he scrubs away the tears and tried to smile at his friend.
"Did the song make you think about him?" Phichit asks as he grabbed Yuuri's hand.
Yuuri's smile disappeared as he nodded meekly. "I can never lie to you."
"Come on let's go." The other man answers as he pulls Yuuri up.
"Where are we going?"
"We are going to get wasted!"
"What! No! Wait Phichit!!" Yuuri can only protest as his friend drags him out of the Noraebang.
Three hours later, Phichit was currently wasted inside the bar and Yuuri had no choice but to call for err... reinforcements to be able to get back to the hotel they were staying at.
"Yuuri?" The said man turned around as he heard his name being called out.
"Hey! Thank you very much for answering my SOS!" Yuuri smiles as he catches the other person's gaze. "I was really in a pinch. I wouldn't be able to carry Phichit back home."
"It's no problem."
"Phichit and I will make it up to you tomorrow!"
"It's okay. Where are you guys staying anyway?"
"We're staying in Insadong."
"That's a bit far... My apartment is nearer, it's also in the Gangnam area." The person pauses. "Do you want to just stay at my place?"
"Which ever is more convenient." Yuuri smiles apologetically.
"My apartment it is then."
The two grabbed each side of Phichit's arms as they try to drag the drunk skater out of the bar.
"By the way," Yuuri started, as they finally exited the loud and crowded bar. "I'm really happy to see you again, Seung-gil." A bright and genuine smile graced Yuuri's face as he looked straight at the other man's eyes.
"Yeah... it was nice to see you too, Yuuri." Seung-gil answers as he looks away from the other man's gaze.
Yuuri didn't notice the small smile forming on Seung-gil's face.
Sorry for the long wait~ I was distracted by another fic :))) please check my other fic, Rehabilitation and Physical Wellness is the Key to the Heart erm Victor's heart if you need some good vibes after this angst filled chapter huhu
thanks for reading anyone~!!!
Please listen to Spoiler by Epik High... it's such a sad but beautiful song.
Please leave comments if you have any recommendations, constructive criticism or if some parts doesn't make sense or if you spot any grammatical error. I don't have a beta reader so I might have left some errors somewhere TT.TT and it's like 3:03 in my part of the world sooo I might have made an error somewhere huhu
Chapter 5: Heartache
Yuuri tells Seung-gil his side of the story
I own nothing.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Lee Seung-gil wakes up earlier than usual.
He contemplates on going back to bed but remembers he had some people over and decides to start some breakfast early for his surprise guests. As he walked out the bedroom, he noticed a figure with dark hair bundled up with blankets on the sofa. He walks closer to see the other person better.
“Yuuri? What are you doing up?” He asks as he approaches the sofa. “It’s still early.”
The other man seemed lost in thought but eventually noticed Seung-gil as he stood near the sofa. “Seung-gil! Hi! Good morning.” The man said with a slight smile.
“Is there something wrong? Why are you up so early?” He asks as he sat beside the other man.
“Just thinking about something… I couldn’t sleep very well because of it.”
“A penny for your thoughts?”
Yuuri gives him a soft smile. “I don’t want to impose further… we’re already imposing on your home, I don’t want to bother you with these things.” Seung-gil could tell that the other man was trying to force out a smile. “Besides its nothing, it's just me being silly.”
“It’s okay, I want to listen. You’re not imposing, I promise.” Seung-gil answers as he hesitantly put a hand on the other man’s knee.
The other man gasped as he felt the hand on his knee. Seung-gil was surprised at the reaction and tried to jerk his hand away but Yuuri’s own hand kept his in place.
“I’m sorry, I was just surprised.” Yuuri said, looking at their hands. “I appreciate the gesture, really... Well... I think Phichit would sleep for a couple more hours, can I borrow some of your time Mr. Lee?” He says with a smile, a genuine looking one, Seung-gil thought to himself.
“I’m all ears, Mr. Katsuki.” He answered as he squeezed the knee, he then gently turn his hand upward and caught the other man’s hand inside his slightly larger one.
“I… was just thinking about my marriage… my failed marriage at that.” Yuuri starts as he looks out the apartment window. “I’m pretty sure you’ve heard about the divorce?”
“Yeah… I’ve heard about it.” Seung-gil distantly remembers the news of the couple’s hasty divorce that slammed the media all over the community almost 3 years ago.
“I was just reminiscing if I could’ve done anything different you know.”
“Yuuri, can I say something honestly?”
“Yes, of course.” Yuuri looks at Seung-gil, a surprised look on his face.
“I think Victor was stupid to let you go.” He starts as he looks back at the other man intensely. “I saw the way you you were with him.”
“I started noticing you since a long time ago you know.” He continues. “I always thought that Victor was really lucky to always have someone beside him, always supporting him.”
“That’s why I was really surprised when I heard about your divorce. And honestly, I was really mad the next time I saw Victor.” Seung-gil paused for a bit. “He didn’t even look fazed after what happened. He seemed so normal and he even seemed happy…”
Yuuri seemed stunned as he heard Seung-gil’s thoughts. “I didn’t know you were so perceptive…” Yuuri says. “But honestly, I don’t blame Victor for being like that after the divorce you know…”
“What are you talking about? You guys were in love. Is it that easy to get over someone you loved for a long time?” Seung-gil says, voice rising. ‘I hate it that you think that you’re just something disposable.’
“Seung-gil, the thing is, you don’t know the whole truth. Believe me, Victor had the right to be happy to be rid of me… after what I did…” Yuuri says and Seung-gil sees the other man tearing up.
“Yuuri, you can’t think that way. You’re not just someone disposable! Victor should have known how lucky he was to have you by his side.” Seung-gil argues further.
“I’m quite happy you’re kinda defending my honor here.” The other man smiled bitterly. “But really, Victor was better off without me… after what I made him go through.”
“That’s just stupid.”
“It’s the truth. Please don’t just blame him for the divorce, I had my faults as well. And you don’t know everything, Seung-gil.”
“Then please enlighten me.” Seung-gil says as he looks at Yuuri straight in the eyes.
“Okay then.” The other man answered, resigned.
Everything was dark.
‘Where am I?’ Yuuri asked himself as he tries to open his eyes.
‘What happened?’ There was only confusion in his mind and he struggles to move his body.
He can hear beeping noises beside him as he tries to remember what last happened to him. ‘Am I in a hospital?’ He thinks, as he can smell the sterile scent around him.
‘Shit, why am I here? Think, Yuuri, THINK.’
It all came back to him now…
The party… drinking… I took something and then I didn’t feel well so I went home… and then… what?
And Yuuri finally opened his eyes.
The heart monitor that was attached to Yuuri beeped faster as the man regained consciousness. A doctor suddenly entered the room when the monitor readings spiked.
“Mr. Nikiforov. Glad to see you’re awake!” The doctor said as he checked Yuuri’s monitors. “What do you last remember?”
Yuuri just stared back at the doctor blankly.
“Don’t stress yourself, I’m sure everything will come back to you in a few hours. I’ll get your husband for you okay? He’s outside.” The doctor said and stepped out of the room.
‘Husband… Victor…’ Yuuri thinks as stared down at his hands, still trying to figure out what happened.
The door opened and Yuuri looked up. “Victor…I…” Yuuri couldn’t finish his sentence as he saw the man who just entered the room, looking back at him coldly.
“What were you thinking?” His husband asked him as he strides over to the bed. “How can you be so stupid!” The other man grabs his wrist, forcing him to look up at Victor.
“I don’t know.” Yuuri sobbed as his husband’s grip went tighter. “I don’t remember what happened.”
“Of course you won’t, you were fucking wasted, Yuuri.”
“I remember drinking, but why am I at the hospital?”
“Shit. You don’t even know what you did?" Victor laughed bitterly as he ran a hand through his hair. "You overdosed on something, that's what happened!” His husband said as he stared fiercely at Yuuri. "Imagine my surprise when my manager called me and told me my husband was rushed to the hospital and was having his stomach pumped because he overdosed on something.
“Overdosed?” Yuuri could only whisper feebly. “I don’t remember drinking any drugs!”
“This is why I said you’re stupid. Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to drink anything you didn’t know? And why were you even out partying? Did you even know anybody there?” His husband spat bitterly at him nonstop.
Yuuri felt helpless as he could only stare back at Victor in shock.
“It was a good thing that you were able to get yourself back home.” The other man continued. “What if you overdosed on the party itself?”
“What are you talking about?” Yuuri felt cold as he tries to understand his husband's words.
“Can’t you even think? If you passed out during that party then you going to the hospital would be made public. The media will be all over us, all over me specifically! What will that do to my reputation, Yuuri?” The other man spat coldly. “I’m an anti-drinking and anti-drug ambassador for goodness sake and I can’t even control my own husband? What does that make me?”
Yuuri couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Victor… should everything really be about you?” He asks, big fat teardrops dripping into the white hospital sheets.
“I almost died. Fuck. I’m in a hospital and all you can think about is your reputation? What about me? Aren’t you even happy that I’m awake and fine?” He sobs out as he tries to scrub the tears from his eyes.
“What I care about is you being so fucking careless. I built my reputation from scratch you know, who are you to just ruin everything I worked hard for? And for what? You acting out and partying and fuck when did you even learn how to take drugs?”
Yuuri’s eyes bolted open. ‘What?’
"Are you hearing what you're saying Victor? How can you even think that about me? It was an accident! I'm sorry I didn't know I took some kind of a drug. You know me! You know I won't ever do that." Yuuri tries to defend himself helplessly.
"Fuck what did I do to deserve this kind of burden?" His husbands says to himself as he sighed in exasperation.
"Burden?" Yuuri asks incredulously.
"Yes, Yuuri, burden! I thought you promised to support me and my dreams. And then this is what you do? You go on and create problems for us." Victor stated. "Honestly, I gave you everything you could've ever wanted in life, all your little whims and this is how you thank me?"
Yuuri could only stare back at Victor in stunned silence. "Who are you?" He asks as he tries to grasp what was happening.
'Where did the man I loved go?'
Yuuri was sobbing by the time he finishes his story. ‘Why does it still hurt even after all these years?’ He thinks as he hugs his knees, trying to hide his face from Seung-gil.
Yuuri heard the other man shifting and the next thing he knew, he was being enveloped into warm arms. “Cry all you want, I’m here.” The other man whispers into his ear and Yuuri couldn’t help but cry a bit harder.
'I haven't felt this safe for a long time...' He thinks to himself as he lets the warmth of Seung-gil's arms lull him back to sleep.
I'm sorry for the short chapter and that it seemed a bit anti-climatic in terms of angst compared to the last chapter at least. I needed a bit more of plot development lol
More erm Yuuri-Seung-gil heart to heart next chapter which will probably out in a day or two~
thank you for all the comments and kudos and response for last chapter <3 <3 <3 Honestly~ reading your comments made me happy <3 I love fangirling with other fans yay!
Chapter 6: Far Away
I made decisions that I regret, and I took them as learning experiences… I’m human, not perfect, like anybody else.
I own nothing.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chris couldn’t sleep properly last night. He has to admit that he knew that the issues that drove his two friends to split up must have been pretty serious but honestly, he still cannot believe the full story that Victor told him last night.
He couldn’t help but feel relieved that he did not take sides after the divorce, he was now quite sure that both his friends equally needed the support. But even after knowing the full story, he himself cannot be sure what was going on in their heads. Only those two could answer that.
But there is one thing that Chris is sure about. Both equally suffered during the past few years. Chris couldn’t help but remember what his Victor told him last night.
“So you just left Yuuri there?” Chris asks incredulously as he stared at his friend.
“Yes… And you may not believe me but I regretted my actions the minute I stepped out of that hospital door.” The other answered back.
“Why did you leave him then? Why didn’t you return? You could have apologized and fixed things you know.” Chris could feel his anger rising as he tries to imagine what Yuuri must have gone through.
“You don’t understand Chris.”
“Enlighten me then.”
“I was scared.”
Chris eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘Victor Nikoforov scared?’ Never has he heard his friend admit to such weaknesses.
“I was on my way home when my manager called me and said he rushed Yuuri to the hospital.” The other man explained with a far-off look in his eyes. “I just felt cold dread wash over me when I heard the news you know. I honestly did not know how to react. And when I got there… they were still pumping out the drugs from his stomach.” Victor paused for a bit and closed his eyes. “He was just so pale… and unmoving and I couldn’t do anything but just watch from the side… praying he’ll be fine. The doctors were able to save him and even after they told me that he would be fine… I touched his hand…they were so cold you know.” The man said, voice quivering.
“It was the scariest moment in my life… my Yuuri… my sunshine… so cold and still… I couldn’t comprehend what was happening… And then, he woke up and I just exploded you know? I wasn’t thinking clearly. All I could remember was the fear and anxiety I felt when I wasn’t if he’s going to be okay.”
Victor looked down at his hands. “I was just so scared and mad and I said things I did not mean… I was mad at him, and at myself… because how can he let that happen? How can I let this happen? Why was I not with him? I was so caught up in my own world that I didn’t even notice that I was hurting him more while I was saying those dreaded words.”
Chris could see his friend’s hands trembling as the other man relives the memories.
“My mind was filled with emotions… I was so confused… But I guess the strongest urge during that time was to just leave… I became defensive, I wanted to protect myself from the pain… And I said harsh words… I blamed him for something he could not control… I blamed him for my own weaknesses… I blamed him for something I should have protected him from.” Victor continued as he trailed off.
“I know that’s not an excuse. And in the end, I did a selfish act and left him… to protect myself from getting hurt. That night made me realize how dependent I was to Yuuri and that scared me too. What if he leaves me… what will happen to me? So I did a stupid thing and left… left him there.” Victor looks resigned as he finishes his story.
Chris was quiet for a couple of minutes and when he finally processed his friend’s story he cannot help but still be confused.
“Victor… if you knew you made a mistake, why did you stay away? You could’ve made an effort to fix everything… god knows how much Yuuri loves you, he would have forgiven you, especially if you made him understand your worries and fears… Yuuri knows you’re not perfect.” Chris said as he put a comforting hand on Victor’s shoulder.
“Believe me, I wanted to grovel back to the hospital the minute I got back home and was able to properly process my actions.”
“Why didn’t you then?”
“Because of Phichit.” Victor whispered and once again fell silent. “He made me realize that I was hurting Yuuri in more ways one could ever imagine. Honestly, leaving him was the best thing I could have done for him.”
As Chris finishes analyzing what was happening last night, he admits that he was surprised about Phichit’s involvement in the whole situation.
‘I think it’s time to have some heart to heart with Phichit.’ He thinks to himself as he rolls over to reach for his phone.
Phichit wakes up feeling like shit.
‘That Korean Soju really knows where to hit the spot.’ He thought to himself as he clutches his head. ‘I haven’t had a hangover for years!!’
Phichit reaches over for his phone to check what time it was and saw a notification from Chris.
‘Chris? That’s random.’ He opened the message and started to read through the message. ‘What… Now that’s interesting.’ He thought to himself as he tries to process Chris’ message.
‘He’s with Victor eh?’
Phichit knows he’s been though on Victor during the past few years. But could anyone blame him? That man stomped all over his best friend’s heart like it was nothing. But he has to admit, the man has been trying to set things straight during the past few years even and Phichit respects him a bit more for trying… Even if he knows that Yuuri wouldn’t know anything about what he was doing.
He has to admit that he feels sorry for Victor as well but in the end, Yuuri was his priority. ‘Yuuri deserves the world… after what he’s gone through.’ Phichit thinks to himself as he tries to analyze his friend.
Yuuri on the other hand has been reclusive about attention and generally from trying to move on from Victor. He might deny it but even a blind man can see that his friend is still not over his husband.
Phichit was not blind, he knows his friend and he can understand how he acts. Yuuri gets this faraway look in his face whenever he sees something that can even remotely remind him of his ex-husband. And his music… he can only seem to produce emotional and sentimental music… even Phichit could feel his heart ache whenever he listens to the music and lyrics of Yuuri’s work. Well at least he came back to writing music.
Phichit shakes himself out of his musings as he tries to get out of bed. The message from Chris has been a clear indication that Victor is also still hung up on his friend. He has been confused over the silver haired man’s intentions over the past few years. He didn’t know if he was trying to set things right because he was feeling guilty over what he did to Yuuri or if he still loves the man and was just genuinely trying to do something for him out of love. Either way, even though Phichit was reluctant to still keep in touch with Victor, he found the other man’s intentions to be pure. ‘He wouldn’t even let me tell Yuuri about what he was doing for him.’
Either way, everything is complicated enough as it is.
Phichit eventually gets up to try and find Yuuri but as he walks out to the living room he was surprised to see his best friend and Seung-gil cuddling on the couch.
‘What?! When the hell did that happened?’ He couldn’t help but ask himself in confusion as he stares at the two boys’ lying closely to one another. ‘And here I thought things couldn’t get more complicated.’ Phichit thinks as he resisted the urge to do a face palm. He put his phone on silent and took a quick shot of the two on the couch.
He quietly backed away and returned to his room. He shut the door and bounded over to the bed. He then sent the shot to Chris.
Victor was browsing through his instagram and couldn’t help but smile as his feed was filled with Phichit’s selfies. He navigated to the Thai skater’s main page and his heart fluttered as he saw several pictures of a certain black-haired man.
‘Yuuri… you’re looking well.’ Victor thinks as he touches his phone’s screen longingly.
He was honestly very thankful to Phichit as the other man still updates him on how Yuuri has been from time to time.
‘I haven’t been there for him for such a long time… I want to make sure that now, someone is always looking out for him.’
Even though Phichit warned him with bodily harm if he ever comes near Yuuri again, the Thai skater eventually gave in and let Victor check in on his ex-husband sometimes. He was thankful that Phichit was still even remotely friendly to him even after all the pain and problems he caused.
‘I was able to show Phichit the sincerity of my actions and intentions for Yuuri… my regret is why couldn’t I have treated Yuuri better when were still together?’ Victor thought sadly as he browses through more of Phichit’s pictures.
Victor knows that wallowing in self-pity would not make things right and he was glad that he was able to support his ex-husband in little ways unknown to him. He also has Phichit to thank for that.
He owes a lot to Phichit… he was the one who made him realize his wrong doings and now he was the one helping him out to try and make Yuuri’s life better. ‘I owe him that much… I don’t care if he doesn’t know… I just want to make sure he’s happy.’ The longing doesn’t decrease from Victor’s heart but now, he was just happy to see that Yuuri was doing better.
As he saw a picture of Phichit doing some sort of Muay Thai training, he couldn’t help but remember the night the Thai man set him in line after the incident.
‘That man sure can punch…’
“Victor Nikiforov! Open the fucking door!!”
Victor could hear someone banging on the door as he nurses his drink. ‘Now what?’ He couldn’t help but feel drained after everything that happened today.
“OPEN THE DOOR NOW!!” The banging doesn’t stop and Victor can feel the beginnings of a headache.
‘Shit. I can’t deal with this right now… I need to go back to Yuuri.’ Victor can feel nothing but regret as he though about his actions during the past few hours.
“I’M COMING, WAIT!” Victor walks to the door as the banging intensifies.
As soon as he opens the door, his jaw was met with a fist.
Victor was stunned as his hand went up against his stinging jaw.
“What the fuck, Phichit?!?!” He turned his head to look at the smaller man but Phichit’s expression made him stop.
The younger man was fuming and crying in frustration as his hands were balled up to fists at the side of his body. Victor could see that the other man was trembling in poorly suppressed anger.
“What the fuck did you just do, Victor? What the hell did you do to Yuuri!” Phichit started screaming and Victor took a step back.
“I know Phichit, I messed up. Please, let’s talk later. I need to go back to the hospital to explain and apologize for my actions.” Victor says as he tries to explain.
“Don’t even try, Victor. Get the hell away from my friend!”
“What the hell are you talking about, Phichit! He’s my husband and he needs me!” Victor says as he tries to bypass the smaller man to get to the door.
“Don’t you see, Victor??” The other man screams as he grabs Victor’s wrists.
“Stop it! I need to get back to my husband!”
“Oh so you’re playing husband now?” Phichit laughs bitterly.
Victor stills as he hears those words. “What do you mean by that?” He asks as he looks back at the Thai skater.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” Victor cannot see the other man’s expression as the other averts his gaze. “Drugs didn’t do this to Yuuri, you did!”
Victor gasped as he tries to find his voice to prove the other man wrong.
“The drugs isn’t the most harmful thing in his life at the moment, Victor, those were accidental, but you my friend, you’re the poison in Yuuri’s life right now.” Phichit says as he gazes back at Victor. “A girl at the party handed him the drinks with some sort of party drug mixed in it and he didn’t know. And from what I heard from Yuuri, you didn’t even let him explain his side, did you?”
“Wha… What?” Victor stutters as he tries to comprehend those words.
“Yep… you just bolted out of the hospital as fast as you can, didn’t you? Well… let me explain more on the behalf of my bestfriend… He was trying to get into the party scene, to understand your interests Victor! Can’t you see? You’ve changed… a lot.” Phichit continues. “ And Yuuri thinks he doesn’t understand what you do anymore so he wanted to try the things you were interested in lately… the whole glamorous, celebrity drinking party shit… or whatever it is you do lately.”
The younger man paused for a moment.
“But anyway that’s not the main issue here… He was trying to change himself for you like he always does. To accommodate your whims and desires!”
Victor could only gape back at Phichit as he tries to process what the other man was telling him.
“And with that gaping fish look you’re showing me, it’s quite obvious that you didn’t notice his efforts, did you? And while we’re at the subject, do you even know how much you’ve been hurting him Victor?” Phichit rages on as he pauses for a bit to hear what Victor has to say.
“What are you talking about? How am I hurting him? He didn’t say anything to me!”
“god Victor! How blind can you get? Does he really need to tell you that something is wrong? Honestly, you’re never here anymore, you don’t even have time for him anymore, you don’t even ask him how he’s been lately!” Phichit continues.
It was obvious how much Yuuri has been venting out his emotions to his best friend all this time.
‘Why couldn’t he have talked to me?’ Victor asks himself as he tries to understand why this was happening.
“Do you still love Yuuri?” Phichit’s voice breaks Victor out of his thoughts as he furrows his eyebrows to comprehend what he just heard.
‘When was the last time I said ‘I love you’ to Yuuri? When was the last time I did something for him... fuck… When was the last time I even saw him smile?’ Victor felt cold as he realized how badly he let this relationship deteriorate.
“I… of course I love him.” Victor knows that he loves his husband, otherwise he wouldn’t have felt that dread and fear when he heard what happened to Yuuri. But shit… all those months they we’re drifting apart. He couldn’t understand it at first but as he think back, he realizes how much he had neglected Yuuri.
“You do? Then get the hell away from him. You’re ruining him.” Phichit answers straightly. “You might say you love him… but it’s obvious how much you love your fame and stardom more.”
‘Bingo.’ Phichit couldn’t have said it any better. Victor knew he was guilty of prioritizing his career over his love. He was blind sighted by his success and fame. He was enjoying his time at the spotlight that he eventually neglected the person that has been with him since the start. ‘What is all this success for if the one that matters the most is just getting hurt by it?’ He asks himself as he tries to remember why he was so hungry for success in the first place. ‘It was all supposed to be for him… but look where we are now…’
‘I should have been there for him… I shouldn’t have prioritized fame and success… I shouldn’t have let fame change me…’ Victor can only regret as his thoughts are filled with all the things he should or shouldn’t have done.
“Just how much has Yuuri sacrificed for you, Victor? Please let him go. Let him live his life… He left his music program to be able to focus on your career… he married you to be able to take care of you and stay by your side always…” Phichit continues, tears leaking out of his eyes.
“Let him have his life back, Victor. Let him reach his own potential, his growth was inhibited to give way to yours.”
Victor knew that Phichit was right. His husband gave up his passion, his future and career to be able to give way to all his dreams. ‘And this is how I acted in return… by hurting him.’ Victor thought to himself bitterly.
“Phichit… what do I do? Please tell me… how do I fix this?” Victor couldn’t feel his legs anymore as he slides down to the floor.
“Leave him Victor, please. He loves you and because of that, he forgot to love himself. He needs to learn how to put himself first again, to prioritize his needs over yours… Let him go, Victor please.” Phichit begs as he sits down on the floor and grabs Victor’s hands, genuinely pleading for Yuuri’s future.
And Victor Nikiforov knows what needs to be done.
“I… I’ll call the lawyer tomorrow.” Victor closes his eyes as tears starts to leak out.
Yuuri could feel Phichit’s heated gaze on him as the two were walking to the nearest subway station. The two had just left Seung-gil’s apartment after a quick breakfast and was now making their way back to their hotel.
“Phichit, spill it. I know you want to talk to me about something.”
“What’s up with you and Seung-gil?”
‘He goes straight to the point, doesn’t he?’ Yuuri couldn’t help but giggle a bit at his friend’s antics.
“Nothing.” He answers as he sees the Thai’s eyebrow twitch.
“Really? I saw the two of you cozying up in the couch this morning!”
Yuuri could feel his face burn at the memory of this morning’s cuddle session with the Korean male.
“See! You’re blushing!” Phichit grabs Yuuri’s chin as he makes the other man look straight at him. “Yuuri, it’s okay to move on you know… If you want to try to be in another relationship, then please, go for it! Honestly, you’ve mourned enough for Victor.”
Yuuri tries to think of his friend’s words. ‘Love someone else?’ Was he really ready to give his heart to someone else? Yuuri walks away from Phichit as he tries to think.
“Hey! We’re not done talking!” Phichit protests as he tries to catch up.
Yuuri closes his eyes and tries to remember all the sensations he felt when he woke up in Seung-gil’s arms. The other man was filled with warmth and gentleness and yet, he still felt cold and alone. The only thing that was in his mind was how much he wishes that he were in Victor’s arms instead.
Yuuri’s eyes snapped open as he imagined his ex-husband’s face in his mind.
“Phichit… you know me enough…” Yuuri looks at his friend. “You know I could never stop loving him.”
Phichit sighed loudly and slapped Yuuri on the back. “Then stop leading poor Seung-gil on!”
“I’m not leading him on! I just fell asleep… but honesly Phichit… the warmth I felt in his arms feels nice… but I couldn’t help but wish I was in his arms instead…” Yuuri trailed off.
“You my friend is a lost cause!” Phichit threw his arms in exasperation as he walks off to the station. “You go and fix this with Seung-gil too, you hear me??”
Yuuri knew he was right… god knows he tried to get over him.
But Yuuri Katsuki knows that his actions were futile… everything still starts and ends with him.
Chris answers the phone as he saw Phichit’s name on the screen.
“Hey Phichit… what the hell is up with Seung-gil and Yuuri?” Chris asks in alarm.
“Apparently, nothing. I just asked Yuuri.” The other man answers.
Chris couldn’t help but let out the breath he was holding.
“Answer me honestly Chris… Do you think Victor still loves Yuuri?”
“No doubt about it, he still loves him.” Chris says confidently, seeing how the other man talks about his ex-husband. “He’s not even trying to hide it, you know, but he is adamant on keeping his space.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of my doing.” The other man pauses. “Although I’m not so sure if I did the right thing… Yuuri still loves him too.”
“What? Are you sure?” Chris couldn’t help but feel excited.
“Yes. I can see it through his actions… A lot of people are interested in him, but he just keeps turning them down. And also, he said that he still wishes it was Victor’s arms around him instead.” Phichit but the more important question is… “Are we going to do something about this?”
“Honestly Phichit, sometimes people need a second chance because they weren’t quite ready for the first.”
“When did you get so sentimental, Chris?” He could hear the other man laughing from the other end of the line.
“I have my moments…” Chris replied with his own laugh.
Things should get more interesting indeed…
Thank you very much to all the readers <3 I am sorry I wasn't able to update for a few days. Honestly chapter 6 and 7 has been drafted (in my mind lols) for a few days but ermm I'm kinda going to Phuket, Thailand in a few hours sooo I was barely able to find time to type this out :) Anyway the cat is out of the bag LOL most of it anyway. I still have tons of flashback to be able to explain some parts but now I'd be able to focus more on the character's present lives ;)
Thank you very much for all the comments in the last few chapters~ I really appreciated them <3 it made me change one or well a lot of things in how i'm going to write the next few chapters soo please bear with me <3 this story might be around 10 chapters long and I am still sticking to it being a fix-it fic :D
anybody from Phuket? lol <3
i'll bring the laptop in phuket tho for inspiration!